Jump to content

Sometimes I still feel insecure about his low (none existent?) libido is. How do I cope?


Caligo_Heart

Recommended Posts

Caligo_Heart

A few months ago I posted this topic:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/85514-please-help-me-to-understand-my-so-he-is-possibly-asexual-and-i-am-so-confused-by-it/#entry2378548

You guys were incredibly helpful, so I'm coming back for help again in hopes that maybe someone will be able to help me work through this.

From the previous post: I met an amazing guy, I love him to pieces but we have major disconnects when it comes to sex. I'm a very sexual person who was completely unfamiliar with asexuality so I took his complacency towards sex as disinterest in me. When in reality he loves me very much and just shows his affections differently then what I expected. You guys gave me a lot of insight and perspective into what he was feeling (and what I was feeling) and you helped assuage a lot of my worry and my guilt.

Since then: Our relationship has blossomed since then. We've actually had sex a couple times, which he seemed to enjoy if only because it made me so happy. We've also had a couple conversations about the cuddling and intimacy that he shows me vs. his friends. A few of you picked up on how I felt I wanted something special in terms of physical intimacy that would set our relationship apart because he was so extremely affectionate with his friends but not sexual with me. We talked and we came up with a compromise for boundaries in that regard. I honestly didn't mind him cuddling with his friends but the level of intimacy he was sharing with previous crushes made me uncomfortable and made me feel less special in his eyes. I've also been trying really hard to work on my insecurity and show that I love him regardless of sexual activity and I make sure to always show him affection especially when the sex i want doesn't happen.

Lately: So overall things are working quite well between us and as we're approaching our one year anniversary soon I'm starting to envision a real future with him. He is the best thing to ever happen to me and he becomes more and more beautiful to me as time progresses. I know things are not set in stone and the things could change in the future, but I'm starting to feel like he could be "the one". And as happy as that makes me, it also makes me feel a little afraid. I'm starting to think am I really okay with all of this? Can i give up the feeling of being sexually desired for him? Can i be okay with initiating every single time? Can I give up rough, blood boiling, passionate love making for just intimate sex with someone I love?

He says he loves me, that I'm the most beautiful person he's ever known, that he's attracted to me, that he enjoys what sexual contact we do have and he doesn't feel pressured to do things he doesn't want to. But Is all that enough? Am i being unreasonable feeling insecure when my lover won't attempt to engage me other than for a few quick pecks and a few cuddles? Am i unreasonable for feeling neglected when he won't so much kiss me in public but wants to be able to cuddle his close friends? Am I being unreasonable losing confidence when he says how hot he finds this fictional character or this sports star when I no longer feel sexy at all? Am i being unreasonable losing desire to sleep with my boyfriend because I know he doesn't desire the same?

I know a lot of these issues are tied into my own confidence issues, and I know regardless these are things I'll have to discover by myself but any insight you could offer would be most appreciated. Is there any advice you could give me? Any advice you would give him? Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites

First off: no, you're not unreasonable. Nothing you did is. You seem genuinely concerned about your relationship and very respectful of your partner's boundaries. That's a very good thing.

I can't answer the other questions, though - none can but you. Do you feel like being sexually desired is important to you? Will you be able to go without that for a lifetime, if you spend it with this person? Will you be okay with how he displays, or doesn't display affection?

As a side note, some sexuals don't like kissing in public, and not all people (whether sexual or not) enjoy cuddling. He's one of those people who probably feels more secure sharing affectionate gestures in private, that's all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas

If sex is important to you, you must know that he most likely will not change. Yes you can compromise on a lot from time to time. For though the years things will shift and change and the compromises will have to continue if you wish to become a couple. However you need to know most likely the best it will ever be is in the beginning when the relationship is new. For in MY relationship the longer it goes the more relaxed MY asexual partner has become in our relationship. To the point of basically nothing left but a few cuddles that now feel very empty because they now feel routine and done out of habit.

I am sure there are some that will try and tell me I should not view it this way. However this IS how I feel after having been married now for over 40 years. After you have been married as long as I then you can tell me how I should feel. Sex has always been an issue in our relationship right from the day we married when it took him three days and my crying before we ever had sex for the first time. So if you can live with always wanting sex or more cuddles then only you will know if it will ever be enough.

Link to post
Share on other sites
NotTypicallySexual

Part of this sounds like typical male-ness. The lack of tons of affection probably has little to do with his apparent asexuality.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...