Three Links (and question for avenguy)

[VivreEstEsperer]

1. http://www.icanonline.net/news/fullpage.cf...nce/article.cfm (Check new link below)

Advice column with positive affirmation of asexuality.

2. http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality (Clicking here you may have an idea of what Wikipedia on Asexuality was like in 2003)
dictionary w/ asexuality in it, which linked me to a BOOK with asexual characters, Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detai...=glance&s=books Distress By Greg Egan
which someone gave the following interesting review about:
One problem I do have with this and another of his books (Diaspora), is his use of asexual characters (although their use in Diaspora is more understandable), and the "V" pronouns that he uses for them. It seems to me to be an uneccessary convolution to an already complicated story. I "get" the point he is trying to make about relationships, etc, but I found it dehumanizing nonetheless. I don't think people would ever choose such a path in the forseeable future. Now that I've read it in two of his books, I think the idea is getting silly

and finally...

3. http://lists.riseup.net/www/info/asexuality (New Link)

Avenguy has some posts here. Can you tell us more about this place avenguy? And will you please post the memoir, for lack of a better word, that you wrote there about realizing you were asexual here? It was great. Or else give me permission to and I will. But you should.

Kate

Edit: oh, i guess the first one is already listed on the links page of the site, oh well.




2013 Mod Edit: The first link is not active anymore, but clicking here you will find an archived copy - thanks to Lord Happy Toast for his big help finding this. For future reference:

Consider asexuality as a lifestyle choice

Q: I realize that there is a lot more attention being given to sexuality and disability these days, but I'm not sure I find it worth the effort for me. People I'm attracted to usually don't consider me a potential partner. I need help with transfers, I'm self-conscious about my weak bladder and I'm aware of so many things I wish I could feel that it's hard to enjoy myself. Is there something wrong with just letting go of the whole thing?

A: Absolutely not. Asexuality is an option and you have every right to choose it. Plenty of people -- with or without disabilities -- make that decision, and would tell you they have very fulfilling lives. They love and are loved by their families and friends and their community, have satisfying activities in their lives and are at peace with a lifestyle that does not include sexual activity.

But there are some important questions for you to consider: Do you continue to be aware that you're not having sex and wish you were? Do you feel an underlying sadness in your life from a lingering sense of unmet need? Do you experience depression and loss of energy related to unexpressed sexuality? Does the decision to just give it up leave you with a sense of feeling defeated? In other words, asexuality may not be such a great answer if it results in other internal pressures and frustrations. This is not just about letting go of the physical activity of sex, it's about achieving an internal sense of acceptance about it. Are you perhaps overemphasizing the physical aspect of sexuality?

This is not just about "having sex," but about a rich, intimate experience with a loving partner -- sexually, and in every other quarter of life. I wonder if rather than giving it up altogether you might think instead of remaining open to meeting such a person by focusing on optimal health, taking care with your grooming and clothing and by relaxing into your true self and allowing your personality to shine. These are the qualities that attract meaningful partners, including those people for whom your disability will not be an automatic disqualifier. This way, rather than feeling that having a sexual partner is a requirement, you can be integrated and active in your own life while still being open to someone when the opportunity might present itself.

The fact is that plenty of people with disabilities as significant as yours are having such relationships, and having sexual experiences they find gratifying. They probably felt the same way you do at some point in their experience. It's also a fact that plenty of people have reached the point you are at, decided they would just do without sex for the rest of their lives, and then got a big surprise with the arrival of someone who truly loves them. Whatever you choose, don't close yourself off to the possibility.

That said, expressing your sexual identity doesn't even have to involve a partner. It's a typical recommendation in disability and sexuality circles that you should explore masturbation and self-stimulation. Many people with disabilities don't take the time to discover what kinds of pleasurable sensations they can accomplish on their own, sensations that can relieve stress and affirm the sexual aspect of our nature.

It's our human nature to be sensual, and it would be a shame to give up that aspect of your true self. We can experience the world around us in a sensual way every day - the beauty of nature or art, the sensuality of comfortable clothing, the richness of tasting your favorite food well prepared and beautifully presented, feeling the sensual quality of another person without thinking we should be having sex with them! Please don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

But I'm not so naive as to think that there aren't considerable emotional forces at play here. Remaining open to the possibility of a partner involves a lot of fear and risk. Masturbation might satisfy in the short term, but can also amplify the desire for more sturdy fare with another real, live human being. And I realize that the beauty of a flower or a tree, or sipping your favorite cup of tea is no replacement for true erotic experience. I'm simply urging you to take some time to consider the dynamics surrounding your decision to be asexual, so that you do it with full awareness of its meaning for you. If it ends up being the choice you make, then don't let it be a symbol of loss and defeat, but rather a source of peace and clarity.

Source by Gary Karp, June 11, 2001 - iCan! Inc. �2001

[AVENguy]

Yeah, the list on riseup I started back in the day when AVEN was on my wesleyan webspace and all the talking went on on the Haven for the Human Amoeba. As you can imagine with only one discussion thread things got complex, so I made the second list as a sort of V&E deal.

[VivreEstEsperer]

cool...but you should post the story that you posted there here. it was good.