Can sexual abuse cause asexuality?

[Cait12]

Don't get me wrong, I've always had a seemingly low sex drive. When I was in college, however, I did enjoy having sex with a couple people. When I was 19 I was raped and ever since then my already low sex drive was paired with a non-existent sexual attraction to anyone.

Could this have "caused" my more severe asexuality to appear? I've been through therapy for the rape and I'm honestly 100% ok with it, in that it doesn't affect me anymore. I've come to terms with it and have worked through all the mess it left behind.

So I guess I'm wondering if it's possible that the rape could still have that affect on me, even though I've worked through everything? Sorry if I'm confusing. I just discovered my asexuality today and I'm a little flustered to say the least.

[Someone Else]

From things I've heard, it sounds like, for some people, that certain abuses can lead to being sex-repulsed. Some, but not all abuse victims might be sex-repulsed, just as some but not all asexuals might be sex-repulsed. Sex-repulsion, then, can be caused by other things -- sometimes it's just part of the person's personal preferences and orientation. So... I guess "asexual-as-an-orientation-sex-repulsion" I'd say isn't caused by abuse.
Although it's not up to me to say for others... I'm just musing.

[KittenPuff]

I want to help, but not sure what to say. I have spent many years trying to figure out why I don't like sex. I'm not sex-repulsed, and although (like you) I've had some enjoyable experiences, to me it's always been just "meh." In fact, "been there, done that" is an accurate description of how I feel about it. I've gone over and over in my mind and with various therapists some upsetting experiences I'd had, though none of them were nearly as traumatic as rape. I don't think these experiences contributed to my asexuality; rather, I think my being ace is why they were upsetting. Please don't misunderstand--I would never suggest rape is more upsetting for an ace than a sexual--it's not about the sex; it is simply a violent attack on a person. Traumatic no matter who you are. I'm just laying out my experiences and what I think they mean for me.

All this to say that I've finally come to simply accept that I am asexual. It's part of who I am, but not all. I don't wonder why anymore. I think I wondered why because I thought if I could figure that out, I could figure out how to make myself sexual. It was part of thinking something was wrong with me and assuming I could and needed to be "fixed." But it doesn't work that way. I am who I am today. I may be different tomorrow, just as I was different yesterday. I may enjoy sex again, but it's not something I desire or feel I need to strive for.

Don't know if any of this is helpful or not. I hope someone has something that is.

[Cait12]

I've had some enjoyable experiences, to me it's always been just "meh." In fact, "been there, done that" is an accurate description of how I feel about it.

Yes! That describes it perfectly. I'm not sex-repulsed by any means, I'm just not sexually attracted to anyone. I can admit when someone is physically attractive, but I have no desire to ravish them or anything.

All this to say that I've finally come to simply accept that I am asexual. It's part of who I am, but not all. I don't wonder why anymore. I think I wondered why because I thought if I could figure that out, I could figure out how to make myself sexual. It was part of thinking something was wrong with me and assuming I could and needed to be "fixed." But it doesn't work that way. I am who I am today. I may be different tomorrow, just as I was different yesterday. I may enjoy sex again, but it's not something I desire or feel I need to strive for.

I don't think I've gotten there yet. I've always wondered if I was "different" and I've often wondered why I was this way. I too thought there must be some way to "fix" it.

You've been very helpful, thank you :)

[Hubris]

I could see where for someone who's already been rather "on the fence" or "meh" about sex, rape would just sort of make you desire it even less. I think it sounds like if you've already worked through the traumatic emotional and personal problems that rape leaves behind, it probably doesn't matter a whole lot how much it contributed to your asexuality? If you are now, just deal with it as it is. It's possible that you've transitioned from Grey-A to Asexual or something along those lines, and the rape just happened to occur within the frame of time that was happening, or perhaps it did contribute. Sexuality is fluid enough that it's probably going to be very difficult to determine how much your rape played a role.

All that said, I am very sorry that experience happened to you. I'm glad you were able to meet with someone who could help you overcome those hurdles, and get those negative feelings and experiences off your chest!

Since you're still new to the idea of being asexual, to the community as a whole, I encourage you to just look around and explore all of the options and possibilities that are out there. <3 We'd all be happy to help you out as best we can!

(And welcome to AVEN by the way!)

[Praxis]

First, I am very sorry that you were raped. :( And good on you for working through the aftermath.

Nobody can say if sexual assault caused you to be asexual. Nobody. Only you can say that with any credibility. What I would like to contribute to this process for you is:

All this to say that I've finally come to simply accept that I am asexual. It's part of who I am, but not all. I don't wonder why anymore. I think I wondered why because I thought if I could figure that out, I could figure out how to make myself sexual. It was part of thinking something was wrong with me and assuming I could and needed to be "fixed." But it doesn't work that way. I am who I am today. I may be different tomorrow, just as I was different yesterday. I may enjoy sex again, but it's not something I desire or feel I need to strive for.

This. A million times this. I hereby validate the **** out of this.

And welcome. :) Have some .

[Delta Wolf]

I truly believe that you can become asexual by being raped, because you may have hated it so much that you became sexualy repulsed by it. It is the same way that many people become homosexuals. For example, if a man rapes a boy, the boy may become gay because he enjoyed the feeling in some way. That same man may rape a girl, but the girl will become a homosexual by then finding men repulsive and finding girls attractive. For a very small number of people they are raped and lose their sexual drive. So it is possibly but very unlikely.

[KittenPuff]

All this to say that I've finally come to simply accept that I am asexual. It's part of who I am, but not all. I don't wonder why anymore. I think I wondered why because I thought if I could figure that out, I could figure out how to make myself sexual. It was part of thinking something was wrong with me and assuming I could and needed to be "fixed." But it doesn't work that way. I am who I am today. I may be different tomorrow, just as I was different yesterday. I may enjoy sex again, but it's not something I desire or feel I need to strive for.

This. A million times this. I hereby validate the **** out of this.

Thanks, Nictastic!

[Calligraphette_Coe]

In some of us, there lives that fragile space broken beyond repair by acts to which we did not consent when we were younger. I really think that what's been done TO us _can_ make us what we are, and just as we can't make those acts UNHAPPEN, we carry with us pain that passeth all avoidance.

For many people, sex is something you do _TO_ someone. How are we with the broken fragile places to react to this?

[Guest]

From things I've heard, it sounds like, for some people, that certain abuses can lead to being sex-repulsed. Some, but not all abuse victims might be sex-repulsed, just as some but not all asexuals might be sex-repulsed. Sex-repulsion, then, can be caused by other things -- sometimes it's just part of the person's personal preferences and orientation. So... I guess "asexual-as-an-orientation-sex-repulsion" I'd say isn't caused by abuse.

Although it's not up to me to say for others... I'm just musing.

Yeah, this. I'd reckon that abuse can easily create or intensify repulsion... but I kinda doubt it could turn someone asexual when they were originally sexual. Sex-repulsion and asexuality aren't the same - in neither direction.

[shockkkk]

The only truly correct answer is "I don't know." Having said that, I would guess that it could happen. The human mind is ridiculously complex, and it seems likely to me that things as innate as sexuality could be caused by anything and everything. People here will be uneasy with the idea that asexuality could be caused by sexual trauma because it undermines the idea that asexuality is a legitimate sexuality, and gives credence to the notion that asexuals are just broken individuals. However, I think it is a big mistake to dismiss what is a very plausible scenario.

[Mooncloud]

Hey Cait, firstly just wanted to say welcome to the forum :-)

I actually just posted recently about a topic which is almost the same as yours. I was sexually abused and have questions about how much of that has contributed to my asexuality, and whether I would have always felt this way if those things had never happened. But I guess it's impossible to say. Loads of people have said to me that it's not about 'labelling' yourself, but just accepting yourself the way you are now and knowing that your sexuality can be fluid throughout different times in your life.

I don't know if this helps, but feel free to check out my post on the subject: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/89196-identity-crisis/

Take care and I'm always open for a chat if you need :-)

[Sally]

I truly believe that you can become asexual by being raped, because you may have hated it so much that you became sexualy repulsed by it. It is the same way that many people become homosexuals. For example, if a man rapes a boy, the boy may become gay because he enjoyed the feeling in some way. That same man may rape a girl, but the girl will become a homosexual by then finding men repulsive and finding girls attractive. For a very small number of people they are raped and lose their sexual drive. So it is possibly but very unlikely.

I think you should ask a large number of homosexuals about this belief of yours before you state it as fact.

[Someone Else]

I already said this, but asexuality-the-orientation, is only one way that one might lose their sex drive. There are other ways. It seems that all sex repulsion, and not all loss of sex drives are the result of an orientation. It's a bit perplexing as to how this is so assuredly argued against by some.
But then, I see an orientation (any or all of them) as a cause that leads to an effect, and not an effect in and of itself. There's more than one cause of sex repulsion.

[Praxis]

hmm... I think I don't like the word "caused" being used in terms of anybody's orientation. It makes it sound like asexuality is something that happened to you.

[shockkkk]

hmm... I think I don't like the word "caused" being used in terms of anybody's orientation. It makes it sound like asexuality is something that happened to you.

It almost surely is to some degree. There's a reason identical twins can have different sexual orientations, and it's because of slightly different environmental factors and life experiences. You're orientation is going to depend on many environmental factors one of which could possibly be sexual abuse.

[Praxis]

hmm... I think I don't like the word "caused" being used in terms of anybody's orientation. It makes it sound like asexuality is something that happened to you.

It almost surely is to some degree. There's a reason identical twins can have different sexual orientations, and it's because of slightly different environmental factors and life experiences. You're orientation is going to depend on many environmental factors one of which could possibly be sexual abuse.

I agree that environmental factors and experiences play a big role in how a person thinks and behaves. But to conclude that somebody's orientation was caused by trauma assumes that their orientation is not healthy, that it is a symptom of their trauma, and they would otherwise be oriented a different way. While I will recognize that can be true for certain individuals, it is unfair to generalize that anybody with "x" orientation who has experienced sexual abuse has that orientation because of that abuse. To be clear, I am not saying I think that is what you said. Other people say that and it bugs the crap out of me.

[shockkkk]

hmm... I think I don't like the word "caused" being used in terms of anybody's orientation. It makes it sound like asexuality is something that happened to you.

It almost surely is to some degree. There's a reason identical twins can have different sexual orientations, and it's because of slightly different environmental factors and life experiences. You're orientation is going to depend on many environmental factors one of which could possibly be sexual abuse.

I agree that environmental factors and experiences play a big role in how a person thinks and behaves. But to conclude that somebody's orientation was caused by trauma assumes that their orientation is not healthy, that it is a symptom of their trauma, and they would otherwise be oriented a different way. While I will recognize that can be true for certain individuals, it is unfair to generalize that anybody with "x" orientation who has experienced sexual abuse has that orientation because of that abuse. To be clear, I am not saying I think that is what you said. Other people say that and it bugs the crap out of me.

Ok cool, and I definitely agree with you.

[unknown1234]

I am so sorry to hear what happened.

I was sexually abused when I was younger and I do not believe it made me asexual. I do, however, believe it made me sex repulsed and aromantic. I am healing, and working through my years of abuse. Maybe if I can heal, fully work through some of my deep issues and all, then maybe I would be open to something other then aromantic. But I think I will always be sex-repulsed. If you ever want to talk I am here.

[mindlife]

The answer to your question depends on how you define asexuality in the first place.

If it is an orientation, perhaps even partially genetic, then it really doesn't matter if you've been sexually abused or not. The orientation would become manifest any way, regardless of your experience.

If you do not define it as an orientation, but as a simple life choice, then sexual abuse might contribute to it.

Still, if the individual is sexual in orientation, I think that the choice of asexuality would change and the individual would eventually identify as sexual, even if he or she decided never to have sex.

[alison.wonderland]

I puzzled over this for years (though to my knowledge, I was never sexually abused) and finally reached the conclusion that I will never figure out the answer for myself. I just need to be okay with who I am. Hopefully - if I remain 100% confident that I'm okay - the right people and circumstances will materialize in my sphere when they're meant to be.

Welcome.