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Unable to fall in love?


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Someone Else

I am generally content with the fact that I don't have the ravenous sexual urges of so much of the rest of the world. It hasn't really upset me at any point. But... I've also never fallen in love, never even had a crush, never gotten gooey, mushy, head over heels, etc. And that worries me. Of course people always say "of course you can fall in love, just wait." Waiting........................................................ and I think I'm old enough to start to think that more waiting isn't working.
Could not being able to fall in love be an aspect of some kinds of asexuality? I fear that the answer is "yes." That does bother me, and I don't think one can fix it, if that is the case. I suppose... more waiting. :p

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SpadeofAces

Fear not. I have never been in love either.

But I don't think it's necessarily an aspect of being Ace, though obviously some Aces are "aromantic". I have always desired a really strong friendship. That would be sufficient.

Maybe that's the case with you too?

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My best friend, who passed away 3 years ago, starting in the late half of the 1980's used to tell me "darling, there will always be a grandppapy for a grandmommy, he will come". The 90's went by, the 00's, the 10's... so as time has passed, I've realized that maybe he probably meant LITERALLY a granddaddy...

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Only ever been in love once...had it thrown back in my face and the girl said she only thinks of me as a friend, as Wolverine1979 said i'd just much rather prefer a lifelong partnership

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Some people fall in love quickly and easily. Others take their time and will only start falling for others at a later age. Others don't really fall in love at all.

But it doesn't depend on their sexuality, at all. Sexuals and asexuals have the same romantic capabilities. I would think an aromantic person (whatever their sexuality is) is at a disadvantage, but even aromantics are capable of loving people very deeply, even though they don't love them in a romantic way. In my opinion, those who want to fall in love will fall in love at some point or another. There's no need to stress over it. And if you don't want to fall at all, then that's okay as well.

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Someone Else

I certainly can love in some ways, like family, and possibly friends, but that's not "falling in love," like I'm referring to. If it turns out that I'm some degree of aromantic, the revelation is going to devastate me, but at this age, it's starting to look like it... there's very much a reason to stress over it. Although perhaps I'm unique, in that most people who can't fall romantically in love also don't care, don't miss it.

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No, you're definitely not the only one bothered by inner aromantical...ism. I've never fallen in love, never had a crush, never really felt anything resembling romantic love towards anyone (or anything). Yet I somehow yearn for a close, special partnership which is "something more", even when I don't really want to be close physically or romantically. I've tried to figure out do I REALLY want to have a Significant Other or is the desire coming from the social pressure and culture all around me that tells that it's something everyone wants, the only real way to be happy or something. I have no idea, but the desire to have someone special and the fact that I'm probably never going to find anyone fitting that position, since I can't feel anything special towards anyone, is truly pretty devastating.

I'm still young enough to think "well, maybe I've just never found the right one", even though I don't really believe it. I wouldn't otherwise, but it gives me some way to escape the scary mental image of eternal loneliness. Which I don't actually dislike either... yes, it is complicated.

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Someone Else

I should have at least had some kind of crush by now, as they aren't always rational or based on compatibility, but I've never even been close. Always saw people crushing or flipping out high on love with a "huh? what?" but still also been envious, wanting to try it, even though I have a hard time picturing and understanding it to that degree. I am still trying to tell myself, that just _maybe_, it's because I've never had a chance to be in a serious relationship with a romantic asexual woman. But... at my age it's a little hard to believe that it's a matter of the right person, because, yeah, love happens supposedly when you're not expecting it, and it's not always rational. So... I don't know. It's distressing. My lack of a ravenous sex drive seems liberating to me. An inability to fall in love would feel almost like a disability, one that I would not cope very well with.
Edit: By the way, just in case, I'm not saying that other people, if they can't fall in love, should feel devastated or disabled -- each to their own, if it works for you, cool. ;)

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That is something I could have written, even though I'm a lot younger and I've NEVER been in a relationship. I'd really want to try it, but how the heck is that going to work when I don't feel anything special towards anyone? How can you initiate your desire to have something more when you certainly don't want to have it with the people you have met so far?

You don't "try" relationships, that's something I see very clearly. It would be lying to the other one in a terrible, hurtful way and that's something I can't do to anyone. When "love" is usually seen as the most important, the most fulfilling part of life or even the purpose of living, being unable to feel it, unable to take part in all those things people always talk with such a fondness and you can see everywhere, it certainly feels like a disability.

I'm certainly in no position to give any advice or judge anyone in any way, but I still wish to say that I don't want to think there's anything wrong with being like this. It's agonizing as hell but I don't know any other way to cope with it, because seeing yourself as if something is broken or needing to be fixed will only cause more agony.

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Someone Else

It's hard, really hard, to give up on the notion that I just have to meet the right person in order to fall in love, despite the fact that it's looking less likely.
And yet, it's really easy to ignore it (or even get annoyed at people) when they say "You'll want lots of sex as soon as you find the right person."
I'm not quite sure what to make of that contrast, if anything.

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Love... For me it's not a part of sexuality in any way. You can have different priorities in life and if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of love, then nobody is pushing you towards it. At the same time I think you should be open, and if there'll be someone that you'll fall in love, then enjoy that. And, to be honest, we never know what may come next, and quoting a british TV series I used to watch, "when you find someone, you've got to cherish it".

I know how waiting feels. Not exactly when it comes to love, because I'm still very young (although yes, I'm unpatient), but in general. I'm the unpatient type. What you need to do is take care of yourself. Maybe change diet, experiment with hobbys, travel, listen to new types of music, start working on your personality, try to develop empathy towards the world, and love will come in its own time and in the most unexpected way. But you can't run after it, because people see what they want to see, and most of the times it turns out to be not something you wanted. It turns out to be not what you've expected it to be. It's actually not that suprising, since we automatically search for love, because we, human being, place such a big emphasis on the idea of love.

I guess that's why we live. To learn, to develop, to evolve, to help each other, and if this special so called "The One" comes along, that's going to be the greatest gift ever.

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Someone Else

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm pretty sure I'd like it if I were in a good relationship and she said, "I love you," but it feels guilty or somehow not right if I can only respond with "Uhm... I don't love you. But I'd like to." Ok so I wouldn't be so awkward as to use those words, but I mean something like that. I liked being loved beyond a platonic level, maybe? I'm still working this out. Maybe I'll make more sense of it later on.

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Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm pretty sure I'd like it if I were in a good relationship and she said, "I love you," but it feels guilty or somehow not right if I can only respond with "Uhm... I don't love you. But I'd like to." Ok so I wouldn't be so awkward as to use those words, but I mean something like that. I liked being loved beyond a platonic level, maybe? I'm still working this out. Maybe I'll make more sense of it later on.

Believe me, if you find the right person (and now I'm going to sound like the other billion people in the world), you'll want to not only tell them "I love you" all the time, but most of all show them in any way possible, to the degree when you'd prefer to suffer so they could be happy. I know it sounds very typical to say, but I truly believe in that. Maybe because I'm a helpless romantic, or maybe because my intuition kicks in when it comes to some topics and I just say what feels right to me.

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Someone Else

As I understand it, there are aromantic asexuals for whom this isn't the case. I think. I mean, I don't want to speak for anyone. So now I just have to decide if I am within that category. It's a tough call, as of now.
It sounds, I think, very selfish to say that I want someone to be in love with me, knowing that I might not say it back, so... I probably need to work on that. ;)

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Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm pretty sure I'd like it if I were in a good relationship and she said, "I love you," but it feels guilty or somehow not right if I can only respond with "Uhm... I don't love you. But I'd like to." Ok so I wouldn't be so awkward as to use those words, but I mean something like that. I liked being loved beyond a platonic level, maybe? I'm still working this out. Maybe I'll make more sense of it later on.

Believe me, if you find the right person (and now I'm going to sound like the other billion people in the world), you'll want to not only tell them "I love you" all the time, but most of all show them in any way possible, to the degree when you'd prefer to suffer so they could be happy. I know it sounds very typical to say, but I truly believe in that. Maybe because I'm a helpless romantic, or maybe because my intuition kicks in when it comes to some topics and I just say what feels right to me.

As a side-note, that is actually the thing I too fear so much. Not that I'm incapable of feeling what you described towards someone (which seems likely though, as even all my non-romantic relationships are somehow weak and I just seem to be unable to show strong affection even when I really do care), towards anyone, but that I can't find someone like me to be with. Because it means if I ever have any kind of romantic relationship, I'd either have to lie to the other or I just wouldn't be able to respond as strongly as they'd deserve. And I don't wish to hurt someone by being the... affection-less person I am.

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Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm pretty sure I'd like it if I were in a good relationship and she said, "I love you," but it feels guilty or somehow not right if I can only respond with "Uhm... I don't love you. But I'd like to." Ok so I wouldn't be so awkward as to use those words, but I mean something like that. I liked being loved beyond a platonic level, maybe? I'm still working this out. Maybe I'll make more sense of it later on.

Believe me, if you find the right person (and now I'm going to sound like the other billion people in the world), you'll want to not only tell them "I love you" all the time, but most of all show them in any way possible, to the degree when you'd prefer to suffer so they could be happy. I know it sounds very typical to say, but I truly believe in that. Maybe because I'm a helpless romantic, or maybe because my intuition kicks in when it comes to some topics and I just say what feels right to me.

As a side-note, that is actually the thing I too fear so much. Not that I'm incapable of feeling what you described towards someone (which seems likely though, as even all my non-romantic relationships are somehow weak and I just seem to be unable to show strong affection even when I really do care), towards anyone, but that I can't find someone like me to be with. Because it means if I ever have any kind of romantic relationship, I'd either have to lie to the other or I just wouldn't be able to respond as strongly as they'd deserve. And I don't wish to hurt someone by being the... affection-less person I am.

I want to say, you're a very smart and honest person because of that. :) I too wouldn't like to be in a romantic relationship with someone when "I love you" are simple words, when they don't have a true meaning and aren't powerful at all, and that's how "I love you"s should look like, I think. They should make your heart skip a beat. I too don't want to find myself in a situation when I'm dishonest towards someone that loves me. I'd really hate that. When someone starts developing romantic feelings towards me, I runaway. It hurts me enough to realise I'm not able to feel the same way, not mentioning when I'm giving them hope by spending even more time in their company.

What I've previously said is probably a result of watching too many romantic comedies, but on the other hand I guess I'd really like to find that someone. Ugh, but reality is different than imagination, isn't it?

Unfortunately, we all have doubts. :/

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No, you're definitely not the only one bothered by inner aromantical...ism. I've never fallen in love, never had a crush, never really felt anything resembling romantic love towards anyone (or anything). Yet I somehow yearn for a close, special partnership which is "something more", even when I don't really want to be close physically or romantically. I've tried to figure out do I REALLY want to have a Significant Other or is the desire coming from the social pressure and culture all around me that tells that it's something everyone wants, the only real way to be happy or something. I have no idea, but the desire to have someone special and the fact that I'm probably never going to find anyone fitting that position, since I can't feel anything special towards anyone, is truly pretty devastating.

I'm still young enough to think "well, maybe I've just never found the right one", even though I don't really believe it. I wouldn't otherwise, but it gives me some way to escape the scary mental image of eternal loneliness. Which I don't actually dislike either... yes, it is complicated.

The mental image of loneliness has never been scary to me, I've never been really left alone. Sometimes I have even told my family and friends (seriously) I love them much, but having a couple of weeks totally by myself would be a great gift from them to me. In my lifetime loneliness is something to strive for.

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Maybe my opinion is unpopular regarding romantic attractions but here is what I think:

I truly and honestly believe that there is no such thing as falling in love. There's infatuation, there's commitment, and there's love. There is no falling into any of those.

What people will call falling in love is what I call infatuation; and that's the one that people tout in this society. That's the one that blinds you to their faults, which is a wrong thing to do.

Really loving someone is realizing they have a lot wrong with them, but because you want the same good life for them as you would for yourself, you've decided those faults don't matter. Commitment is that you stick with them despite the fact that you really could care less what happens to them.

If you are devoid of infatuation, you are miles ahead of the game.

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I certainly can love in some ways, like family, and possibly friends, but that's not "falling in love," like I'm referring to. If it turns out that I'm some degree of aromantic, the revelation is going to devastate me, but at this age, it's starting to look like it... there's very much a reason to stress over it. Although perhaps I'm unique, in that most people who can't fall romantically in love also don't care, don't miss it.

I should have at least had some kind of crush by now, as they aren't always rational or based on compatibility, but I've never even been close. Always saw people crushing or flipping out high on love with a "huh? what?" but still also been envious, wanting to try it, even though I have a hard time picturing and understanding it to that degree. I am still trying to tell myself, that just _maybe_, it's because I've never had a chance to be in a serious relationship with a romantic asexual woman. But... at my age it's a little hard to believe that it's a matter of the right person, because, yeah, love happens supposedly when you're not expecting it, and it's not always rational. So... I don't know. It's distressing. My lack of a ravenous sex drive seems liberating to me. An inability to fall in love would feel almost like a disability, one that I would not cope very well with.

Edit: By the way, just in case, I'm not saying that other people, if they can't fall in love, should feel devastated or disabled -- each to their own, if it works for you, cool. ;)

" at my age " " but at this age " My dear someone else: Seniority has nothing to do with hopelessness. In my family we had a wedding of our 79 year old aunt with her one true love, whom she met al the young age of 78. They had a good 2 years of companionship and love, because we know sex was out of the picture. (he was paraplegic) So don't overthink it! like Capt. Jason Nesmith said in Galaxy quest: Never give up. Never surrender.

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Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm pretty sure I'd like it if I were in a good relationship and she said, "I love you," but it feels guilty or somehow not right if I can only respond with "Uhm... I don't love you. But I'd like to." Ok so I wouldn't be so awkward as to use those words, but I mean something like that. I liked being loved beyond a platonic level, maybe? I'm still working this out. Maybe I'll make more sense of it later on.

Believe me, if you find the right person (and now I'm going to sound like the other billion people in the world), you'll want to not only tell them "I love you" all the time, but most of all show them in any way possible, to the degree when you'd prefer to suffer so they could be happy. I know it sounds very typical to say, but I truly believe in that. Maybe because I'm a helpless romantic, or maybe because my intuition kicks in when it comes to some topics and I just say what feels right to me.

That is assuming he is capable of romantic love as hasn't found the "right" person yet.

Personally, I've been in the situation the OP described: in a long term relationship, and my boyfriend would always say he loved me, and I didn't want to lie. I was fond of him, but I wasn't "in love" with him, even after 5 years. Eventually I started lying about it, but he still needed to pretty much as me to say "I love you," because I don't like lying, and I'm not a great liar.

It is a possibility, but I think some people, even those capable of relationships, are unable to do the whole "infatuation" part of a relationship, the falling in love, the getting all giggly around someone and having butterflies in the stomach. I don't know how things will work out for the OP, or if he is aromantic or not, but I don't think it necessarily works, saying "if you find the right person..." because I'm not sure all people are capable of those feelings, even when in a relationship with a seemingly compatible person.

What people will call falling in love is what I call infatuation; and that's the one that people tout in this society. That's the one that blinds you to their faults, which is a wrong thing to do.

Really loving someone is realizing they have a lot wrong with them, but because you want the same good life for them as you would for yourself, you've decided those faults don't matter. Commitment is that you stick with them despite the fact that you really could care less what happens to them.

If you are devoid of infatuation, you are miles ahead of the game.

I agree with most of this, except I do take issue with the last line, but only because a lot of people really value that part. I don't get infatuated with people, but from observing others, I consider it like a drug high,because that's how people act. I think if people weren't blinded to the other person's faults and strongly, irrationally attracted to them, you'd have a lot more single people. I mean, I know people in their 30s who switch partners every 6 months. That's how long the infatuation phase supposedly lasts. That's the part of the relationship they like. I don't envy them, but I mean, I think a lot of people would disagree that skipping it is a good thing.

because we know sex was out of the picture. (he was paraplegic).

Being paraplegic doesn't mean a person can't have sex. Just saying.

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Someone Else

Philosophically, I'm not sure that there's actually any way to know for sure which it is -- am I incapable of falling in love, (which does seem to be a possibility) or have I just not met the right person? (Certainly possible since I haven't known any asexuals in real life to my knowledge, and I am careful to not get too attached to sexual people -- not that crushes tend to care about that.)
But yeah, I don't seem to get the butterflies, or the infatuations. I'm pretty sure I want a romantic relationship, I just don't know that I'll ever go from really liking to madly in love. No way to know other than to just find out. ;)

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It is a possibility, but I think some people, even those capable of relationships, are unable to do the whole "infatuation" part of a relationship, the falling in love, the getting all giggly around someone and having butterflies in the stomach. I don't know how things will work out for the OP, or if he is aromantic or not, but I don't think it necessarily works, saying "if you find the right person..." because I'm not sure all people are capable of those feelings, even when in a relationship with a seemingly compatible person.

I think that is definitely possible since that's probably the way I am, though I'm unsure am I even capable to be in a relationship at all. I'm "stone-cold" in a some odd way. For example it took me way over a year to actually start liking my dog, which I had raised from a nine-weeks-old puppy - and I get really easily attached to animals compared to people. "Love at first sight", yeah right, I've never really got that concept.

It takes years to get know me in a level I start to like people enough to actually enjoy being in their company, and yet their faults and quirks still bother me on some level and I keep certain distance - if they don't actively seek to be in contact with me, I won't either. That applies to my close relatives too, sadly. Still I don't dislike them and I feel guilty of being unable to answer their feelings as strongly I as I should (which works as indicator that tells me I indeed am fond of them). I guess I'd really be a sociopath or something if I didn't have even that guilt and thus would be unable to care about hurting others.

Yet for some reason I still yearn for a Significant Other... I don't think I seek any traditional, romantic relationship, I wish to have something a bit different and yet I don't really know what. Someone to live with that I'd be able to actually like enough to not feel that guilt?

I don't know. It's easy for me to feel alienated, as I see strong affection between others all the time, yet do not have the luxury to feel that myself. It's like everyone else is eating cake around me and talking how good it is, and I don't even know where that cake is and thus can't taste it even though I have some vague memory of eating something similar, and people just look at me weirdly when I ask them where they got it. "You just have to figure that out by yourself" :P

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I've realised how what I've written sounds like. When I wrote "fall in love", I didn't mean the infatuation phase, since for me it doesn't work either. I mean when you come to the terms with someone's bad sides and good sides, and value them for both faults and positive qualities. Everyone has a different definition of "love", but in general it's "wanting someone's happiness". If someone is capable of romantic love, doesn't matter. I think the "romantic love" is just as strong as the parents' love for a child or something similar. That's what I meant. At least that's what I call "to fall in love". The moment when you realise you want to be around someone. And I certainly didn't mean "love at first sight". :)

There's a wise quote: "Immature love says: I love you because I need you. Mature love says: I need you because I love you"

I guess the immature one is based on infatuation, and mature based on experience shared.

Some people can have problems with or don't feel an urge to be in romantic relationship with someone/be "in love". That's fine. At the same time, like I've said, I want to believe in "The One", because if I didn't, I guess there wouldn't be something that would help me get out of the bed in the morning. Of course I don't mean crushes or anything. I mean the best friend, a companion. Doesn't matter if you have sex or not, sex and love are different things for me. That doesn't need to apply to everyone. I wanted to implant some hope in author's heart. :]

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Someone Else

I've been thinking -- I know in my heart that I am not ever going to be interested in, for instance, hairy masculine men, and I know in my heart that sex isn't something I'm going to pursue, and I don't need it, and that won't change. But I _don't_ apparently know for sure if I'm aromantic.
Is that normal? Do other aromantics sometimes wonder if they are, or are not? I certainly don't wonder about the first two things that I mentioned, so why this? Why aren't I as sure about love as I am about sex and men? If it's part of my orientation, and I've had plenty of time to think about it, why don't I feel it in my heart as surely as I know I'm not gay? It is different?

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Hello Someone Else,

Well, I myself don't know it I'm some sort of aromantic ;) I'm scared that I could be.

I consider myself incel ("involuntarily celibate"), because I just don't seem to fall in love, and I'm not interested in having casual sexual relations, so I just ended up having nothing ;)

However, there are a few important things I need to point out:

A great many people have a problem of this sort, and very many have gotten out of it. Incel always seems hopeless and weird, but it really isn't, if you look at the facts. One truly excellent resource is http://incel.myonlineplace.org/forum/ So many people get out of it even in their 30s I have lost count, just look at the success stories on that forum.

(What many people seem to misunderstand is that incel is not just about not having sex, but for the vast majority of us, it is about not being able to have romantic relationships, which, from what I understand, also applies to you.)

Secondly, I personally actually started panicking about my seeming inability to fall in love at some point at age 22 (this year), but I managed to fall properly, madly in love only a few months later (too bad it turned out to be unrequited love ;) But hey, that's massive progress for me.) I can't say with certainty what changed or what I did to achieve this, but I think the most fundamental issue is that incels "get used" to their non-romantic status, and subconsciously do not even consider that romance could possibly happen to them... It just becomes part of their self-image. Last year I have deliberately started questioning and changing my attitudes, deliberately trying to see opportunities where I would not have considered them before, and... IT WORKED!!!

I think a lot of this could be the Placebo effect and self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think you won't fall in love, your subconscious will make sure that you won't. If you convince yourself that you can, get your thoughts out of your usual comfort zone (and read the success stories ;) ), it is likely to happen. Sounds silly, but since it actually worked for me, I have to give this advice.

These are my thoughts anyway. That is also why I chose this username ;)

No Fate

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Someone Else

"I consider myself incel ("involuntarily celibate"), because I just don't seem to fall in love, and I'm not interested in having casual sexual relations, so I just ended up having nothing ;)"
That's a good way of putting it. I'm not sure it's exactly me, but... I am not really interested in completely platonic, or casual -- and yet, I think I need the right feelings to get really close. If I can't feel the feelings that I need to experience the kind of intimacy that I'd like to have, I'm in trouble. ;)
I'm hoping that meeting more asexuals will be enlightening, emotionally, as I won't have to feel guarded against "getting too close" to someone who will want what I'm not likely to give.

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I think most aromantics have an "aha!" moment when they learn of aromanticism, but there are certainly plenty who had or still have periods of questioning. I'm one, for example. I spent several months when I first came to AVEN assuming I was heteroromantic, and then a few more stubbornly arguing with myself over whether or not I was "aromantic enough". I've always been aromantic, but while I'm okay with being so, I'm not okay with the idea of never having a romantic partner because I'm aromantic.

The vast majority of aromantics would prefer platonic partnership or no partners at all, but that isn't true for our minority-in-a-minority.

I've seen some suggestion that aromantics who desire romance are actually demiromantics who haven't "met the right person yet", and I do hope this is true for myself, but I still think the idea is rather flawed. At the very least it doesn't seem to match the experience of most demiromantics.

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Someone Else

Yep, here's to hoping then that I'm either demiromantic or somehow end up ok with not being that. ;) Some people have told me that I "need to get over myself," and stop taking relationships, at least in their beginning phases so seriously. "You're not married to them, it's just dating!" "Have some casual fun with your romances, stop being so intense!" I do tend to treat romance potential with a high degree of gravity, I suppose, rather than just some "light hearted romp" or something.

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Yep, here's to hoping then that I'm either demiromantic or somehow end up ok with not being that. ;) Some people have told me that I "need to get over myself," and stop taking relationships, at least in their beginning phases so seriously. "You're not married to them, it's just dating!" "Have some casual fun with your romances, stop being so intense!" I do tend to treat romance potential with a high degree of gravity, I suppose, rather than just some "light hearted romp" or something.

While, from what you are describing, you are not necessarily incel, I have to point out that what you are describing are textbook incel problems, which I have been dealing with also. Essentially, a number of very widespread incel thought patters include:

-Overanalysis / Paralysis by Analysis. This is EXTREMELY common among incels. Thinking way, way, too much. I am so guilty of this.

-Thinking way too far ahead.

-Trying to come up with reasons why something would not work. "Taking counsel of one's fears."

Last year I have deliberately attempted to minimize these inside my own mind, which led me to get a mad crush for the first time, with butterflies and all. Never had that before, and I was 22.

So really, it seems to me that if aromanticism is part of one's personality, it is possible at least in many cases to try to fix that and to have progress. Many people other than me have accomplished this as well. We shouldn't view our personality as fixed in stone, especially if we're not happy with it.

Hope this is of some help,

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