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Would you have made the same choices?


LolaH

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I guess this question may be irrelevant as "what's done is done" in my case... but I wonder sometimes if I had known that my sexuality would be completely off the table forever when I married my spouse if that would have changed my decision to marry him. Now that we've been together for so many years, get along otherwise and have built a family and a life that's fully intertwined, it seems like throwing 'all of that' away over my being sexually rejected is shallow and unfair of me. Before the children and commitments, would it seem so shallow and unfair to leave?



I'm wondering how many sexuals in a mixed marriage would have made the same decision to marry if they knew what they were getting into before the commitment. It feels like a horrible question to ponder, but I do wonder... it's so terribly difficult of a life and I can't help but wonder 'what if I knew beforehand?'



Would you have made the same choices?


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I would definitely like to think I would. We don't have kids (I had hoped for children when I was younger, but he told me before we married that he didn't want kids), and really not too many commitments keeping us together. We actually tried splitting up and failed at it, so I guess I feel like we belong together.

I was sad and mad for a lot of years and struggled with rejection too (I still get upset periodically). However, I feel like he is the best thing that ever happened to me in my adult life. I think some choices would be different if I could do it again, but not the one to be with him.

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No, LolaH, it's not unfair if you feel frustrated. Everyone deserves to be happy, and it's natural for a human being to seek happiness. It would have been easier if you knew from the start that your husband didn't want sex, but it's something you can't go back and change... so my suggestion is: if you really feel like it's time to break up, do so. It's not unfair to the kids, it would be unfair to them if you two kept the truth from them, in my opinion. Splitting up is relatively common and even little kids are used to seeing couples fall apart someday - it's become part of the custom. I'm a bit sad about it, but at least you don't have to be afraid about being judged for it.

As of commitment, deals can be broken for serious issues. What if you married a teetotal who later became a drunkard and beat up you and your children? That's an extreme case, of course, but you did marry your husband hoping for a regular sex life, right? If he isn't giving it to you, then it might be worth rethinking your relationship from scratch. What does he think about it?

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Dear LolaH,

That is a difficult question to answer and of course one that has been going through my mind in periods of frustration as well. But in the end I don't think I would have changed my decisions with regard to the relationship. As LG and her partner, we do not have children or other major commitments attaching us, so it would be "easier" to leave the relationship and still we are together after more than 15 years.

Our bond is, for me, more valuable than the lack of sexuality, which does not mean that every now and than I feel like giving up... But in general I would not want to change my relationship.

As for SilverKitsun, I would not want to compare an alcoholic with serious anger issues with an asexual partner. At no point do I feel abused in my relationship. I know what you are trying to say, but the comparison is to extreme for my liking.

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As for SilverKitsun, I would not want to compare an alcoholic with serious anger issues with an asexual partner. At no point do I feel abused in my relationship. I know what you are trying to say, but the comparison is to extreme for my liking.

To be clear, I am not faulting the OP's husband at all. It's neither his nor her "fault" if they are like this right now. However, as different individuals, they might want to think things over before deciding what to do with their relationship. The metaphor was meant to underline the fact that LolaH should by no means feel guilty about breaking a commitment. I can still remove it if she feels uncomfortable with it :)

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No worries! I appreciate the feedback and I know that there's no blaming going on. I'm frustrated bc it seems like a lot of my friends that get a bunch of sex end up getting divorced for various other reasons, and here I am married to this great guy and no sex.

Is it possible to 'have it all'? Is that so much to ask for? I really am lucky bc I don't think I'll ever find another person who can treat me like my husband does... however, the primal stuff really kills me sometimes. I feel like leaving is trading 'great relationship' for 'great sex'. Not that I don't think I can find another great guy, just not as great... Maybe I should stop being so greedy. :)

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I can relate to that thought as well Lola! I definitely believe that if we were with someone else there would be a different sort of problem or problems, there is no doubt in my mind actually...people and couples are not perfect. Life throws us curve balls and part of the curve in this one seems to be reckoning with that darn "greener grass" syndrome I think a lot of people in relationships experience. I get that same gut wrenching sadness, but most days it is really no big deal and as I mentioned...he's, well... let's just say :wub:.

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Notte stellata

Is it possible to 'have it all'? Is that so much to ask for? I really am lucky bc I don't think I'll ever find another person who can treat me like my husband does... however, the primal stuff really kills me sometimes. I feel like leaving is trading 'great relationship' for 'great sex'. Not that I don't think I can find another great guy, just not as great... Maybe I should stop being so greedy. :)

I believe it's possible to "have it all". Of course, it doesn't mean finding someone who fulfills 100% of your needs; it just means having your major relationship needs met, one of which is sex. I'm not a believer of "the one" or "meant to be". There are at least hundreds of people who could have been a great partner for each of us, although it may be hard to believe or imagine when you're already with someone very compatible. Granted, it may take a long time to find such a person, which is why many people worry "if I leave this one, I may never find another one as good as him/her", but there's also a chance they may find someone better...It's a hard decision indeed. If you feel it's worthwhile to sacrifice sex to maintain an otherwise perfect relationship, that's a totally legitimate decision; but if you want to leave in order to find a better relationship, that's also a totally legitimate decision, not unfair or selfish.

If you don't mind me asking...I remember seeing you posting in some threads about open marriage and saying you were considering it, so is it a possible approach for you?

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Kitty Spoon Train

Any mention of "The One", "meant to be", "soulmates", or anything like that - actually activates my gag relfex...

The only times I've seen people take that sort of stuff seriously is when:

1) They were teenagers or younger.

2) Under the sway of limerence.

3) Stalkers.

And number 2 is something I've personally experienced. Under horribly twisted and inappropriate circumstances, I might add. :lol:

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Any mention of "The One", "meant to be", "soulmates", or anything like that - actually activates my gag relfex...

I actually thought of you when I chose my words and concluded above that on some levels Mr. LG and I 'belong' together...I knew you in particular might want to throw up. I want to add to your list though, people can also be serious about it when:

4) They are older, have gone through a hell of a lot together and came through it still feeling a certain love for each other. They each have a kind of thankfulness for the things they have learned in this life because they were with that particular partner.

5) They are telling each other after umpteen years that they are glad they are married to the other.

6) Also, people who have broken up with someone may always and legitimately think of that particular person as the 'One', and not in a bad way...circumstances (more than the person) can often be a factor in the this.

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Kitty Spoon Train

I'm not sure if that actually "counts" for what I'm thinking really...

My biggest issue is actually when people project these expectations onto a blank canvas. Or a relatively blank canvas. That's when it very often stems from some kind of personal insecurity about "being alone", and wanting to latch onto someone in a very absolute way. Not even really regarding the other person's wishes necessarily. That's the feeling limerence used to induce in me anyway. And the most spectacular dramas I witnessed in others stemmed from that.

When applied backwards, over a long history like yours, I think it's quite a different story. Not to say that it's impossible for it to have some of the same elements, but I tend to trust that it's less likely to be totally toxic at least. Limerence doesn't last that long anyway. It does its damage and leaves in months, at most a few years.

In other words - I'm okay with the words if they represent a history of actual love, rather than some kind of limerent hopes for something that's not even there yet. Not even tested for real. :D

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Starrynight- the open marriage thing is still on the table, but what a pain in the ass. I'm not interested in lying and deceit and all the darker things that come with non-committed sex and I don't know how to find someone I'm interested in that's interested in me that understands the limitations of my circumstance. I'm at the point with it that feels like, 'if it falls in my lap, it was meant to be'. Trolling for some strange on the Internet isn't going to help my ego. Lol.

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Starrynight- the open marriage thing is still on the table, but what a pain in the ass. I'm not interested in lying and deceit and all the darker things that come with non-committed sex and I don't know how to find someone I'm interested in that's interested in me that understands the limitations of my circumstance.

Uhm... I don't get why opening up the 'ship would require any kind of lies or deceit. In fact, the only way I can imagine open and/or poly arrangements to work in a way that's healthy and non-hurtful for everyone involved is by everyone being completely honest to each other.

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Kitty Spoon Train

Starrynight- the open marriage thing is still on the table, but what a pain in the ass. I'm not interested in lying and deceit and all the darker things that come with non-committed sex and I don't know how to find someone I'm interested in that's interested in me that understands the limitations of my circumstance.

Uhm... I don't get why opening up the 'ship would require any kind of lies or deceit. In fact, the only way I can imagine open and/or poly arrangements to work in a way that's healthy and non-hurtful for everyone involved is by everyone being completely honest to each other.

Yep. :)

As a side note: this is why I don't like the idea of DADT open relationships. Because from the point of view of being the "third person", you have no idea if it's legit or not. And I don't like anything to be under the radar with anyone involved, even if via an agreement between certain parties which leaves other parties in the dark about the workings of the thing. Even about things that don't necessarily seem to directly concern them.

I'm a bit of a stickler for total consistency is all, which if why I prefer the idea of totally above-board polyamory. My thinking generally goes along the grain of: If you feel the need to hide something, it's probably a sign that it's not totally healthy.

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LolaH, if you're only looking for an occasional sexual partner to satisfy your desires that your husband can't meet, it could be an idea to resort to a friend perhaps?

I'm not sure how your husband feels about it, though. Some people feel safer when their partner has other sexual partners and they know and trust each other, whereas other people dislike that approach and may feel jealous about it, to the point of preferring their partner to have sex with total strangers.

Have you asked him how he feels about it yet?

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I'd never lie, the deceit I'm referring to is from my experience with others. There have been a couple of guy friends I've tried to initiate this with and no matter how much I stress that lying is an instant deal breaker- I find out after there was some amount of misrepresentation on their part.

My husband doesn't love the idea, but figures if we're going to die as a relationship, we may as well go down fighting and trying everything (and I agree). The problem for me is not that I just need to get laid, but I need to feel intimacy and appreciation. I need the recognition that comes from connecting with someone on that level. I need to feel wanted. This is why some random hookup cannot work for me- bc I'll just get all mental and think "Ok, so I can either have someone that loves me for who I am, or I can have someone who only wants to lay it to me and I'm nothing to him". This will only make me hate myself.

I've got weird sex issues. I was abused in my past and have a hard time rectifying that sex and love coexist together. It's actually pretty ironic that I'm in this situation, bc all my past relationships were sexually hot, but I always wondered if they wanted ME or wanted my skill set. Then I men my husband- who genuinely seemed to love me as I am with the sex being a side item... and it was refreshing. This is actually what attracted me to him in the beginning. Joke's on me bc now I got the guy that loves me for me and I never get to have sex!

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Sorry to hear about your bad luck with relationships. :(

I don't know what else to say here, but yes, if you two have agreed to try everything, then starting from "date nights" with a friend of yours may be a good idea. I suppose you'd get more emotional connection from sex with a friend than you'd do from sex with a stranger.

Hope things work out for you two :cake:

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This is such an impossible problem.. and so frustrating. There are no solutions- just acceptance of the situation or acceptance that it's just over. Right now I'm just in a hover pattern over my marriage. I'm hoping peace will somehow find me... and soon.

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Down in Texas

Answering only the question ask and not referring to any of the other comments. I would have chosen a different partner. I would love to have been able to share what I feel is the ultimate and most basic part of a marriage. There are so many things I had hoped to be able to share with the man I Loved that never happened. There were so many things in life that to me would be so much easier to deal with it you had a partner that was right there with you emotionally to either enjoy life or walk beside you when it was rough. Yes my current partner does some of this things but in a manner more like a brother than a lover. So my answer is yes I would have chosen differently. Hands down.

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songsofadistantshore

In answer to the original post, I would do it all over again, There are times that I feel hurt and frustrated about the rather minimal amount of sex in my marriage. I'm not going to deny that. Then I look at all the wonderful things in our relationship, how good a friends we are, how well we work together as partners, how supportive she's been of me during so many difficult times, how she finds so many other little ways to show she loves me, how wonderful a step mother she is to my daughters, how I still butterflies when she smiles at me, how marvelous it is to wake up to her next to me every morning, and if I had known where it was headed when the relationship started, I would still like to think I would still have done it. I wouldn't have wanted to walk away from all the good that has come out of this one because the sex would peter off to almost nothing. Almost every relationship has its problems, with this the good far out-weighs the bad.

Of course this is an individual decision. Lack of sex in a relationship for some is a deal-breaker. Those are choices each person has to make. Maybe my perspective is a bit different, having been previously married to a high sex-drive individual who left when she got bored with me. Lots of good sex is nice but in the long-term its not a balm that can sooth over other problems.

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  • 1 month later...

To LolaH's original question...let me put it this way. If a time machine could bring me back to the moments before I met my wife-to-be and the machine attendant send me out the door heading in a different direction so that I'd never met nor known her, I would choose that. But, in any scenario after meeting her, as far as for my own sake, I'd have made the same choice even foreknowing the sexual disaster it would be for me.

Now, as far as thinking of her happiness and wellbeing -- as Asexuals can testify, a long-term relationship with a Sexual equally means hurt and pain for the Asexual. My wife lives with the chronic heartache of knowing she is unable to fulfill some of my basic needs, and that has been as much hurt for her as not having a sexual partner is for me. So, for her sake, I would NOT have pursued a relationship with her if I could choose again.

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