Iloveyou0410 Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Sometimes I feel like giving up on sex. I am married. It's only been 5 months. And my wife came out as gray sexual. But it was after marriage. She is the only person I have been with. But I feel like I am forcing her ans that kills me. I don't want are sex life be an agreement. I want it to be normal and when ever. I fell hurt when ever I want it and she don't. I know it's not really me. But it feels that way. I think I would rather go with out then make her do it and her not want to. But I love sex. I never thought I would tell I was with her. She says she would be fine with never having sex again. For me that's a huge turn off. But it's hard because when we got together she used to always tell me, that that's how you show your love. And now you don't want to. It's confusing to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Grey-A people generally aren't completely averse to sex, if at all. Maybe she just needs to wait for the right time to want to be sexual with you? I know some people have set "dates" with their asexual/grey-A partners, and the sexual counterpart lets the asexual spectrum person decide when to have sex. It works for some people. You shouldn't feel bad about wanting sex, as she doesn't feel bad about not wanting it. You just have different preferences, and it's completely okay. You're a couple, and if you love each other deeply and want to stay together, I'm sure you can work on a compromise. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Iloveyou0410 Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 We are trying the compermise. But she doesn't want to set a date for sex. We are supposed to do it 2-4 a month. But last month it was two and at this rate. It will be two at this rate. She's not repulsed by sex witch is nice. But she says she has no desire to start it. But it's not bad after it starts. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Hi, I am in a very similar situation. I also have trouble with how I think about the whole 'agreement' issue. However, I am trying to realize that he does love me and that is why he is willing to compromise...I think it's really important to focus on that, instead of overanalyzing the situation. As for the specifics of your compromise, you may be correct that twice a month is better for her. I think paying attention to how the compromise is working, making little adjustments here and there, and also being willing to be flexible is best. We were trying for twice a month and it seemed to create tension so we had to go back to once. I have definitely felt like giving up on sex, but it really doesn't work. I end up wanting it eventually. My main trouble involves giving into recurring thoughts that he doesn't really love me. Link to post Share on other sites
LolaH Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Intellectually I have my head around this problem- my s.o. being the grey and me being the sexual. Problem is, there's pretty big part of me in mourning over the loss of my sexuality. I assume I'll hit menopause eventually and I'll just start wearing track suits and being sexually invisible to society, but.... right now I'm 40 and I feel like 'the end' of my physical appeal is close. I'd like to be physically admired and desired. I'd like to feel wanted that way. We've considered the open marriage thing and it's not off the table- but it seems terribly complicated and difficult to find a third person who can respect me/my s.o., understand & respect the situation and also make me feel comfortable enough to let myself be uninhibited with. Fifteen years of being sexually rejected does play into my insecurities- so I'm probably a bit of a sexual basket-case at this point. Fun times. :( Link to post Share on other sites
Iloveyou0410 Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 Hi, I am in a very similar situation. I also have trouble with how I think about the whole 'agreement' issue. However, I am trying to realize that he does love me and that is why he is willing to compromise...I think it's really important to focus on that, instead of overanalyzing the situation. As for the specifics of your compromise, you may be correct that twice a month is better for her. I think paying attention to how the compromise is working, making little adjustments here and there, and also being willing to be flexible is best. We were trying for twice a month and it seemed to create tension so we had to go back to once. I have definitely felt like giving up on sex, but it really doesn't work. I end up wanting it eventually. My main trouble involves giving into recurring thoughts that he doesn't really love me. That feeling of not being loved is so hard. I always hits me when she turns it down. Once a month was so very hard for me. I am kinda new to sex so my sex drive is high. I have learn to just do it my self lol. She doesn't. Mind. How long have you Been compermising? Intellectually I have my head around this problem- my s.o. being the grey and me being the sexual. Problem is, there's pretty big part of me in mourning over the loss of my sexuality. I assume I'll hit menopause eventually and I'll just start wearing track suits and being sexually invisible to society, but.... right now I'm 40 and I feel like 'the end' of my physical appeal is close. I'd like to be physically admired and desired. I'd like to feel wanted that way. We've considered the open marriage thing and it's not off the table- but it seems terribly complicated and difficult to find a third person who can respect me/my s.o., understand & respect the situation and also make me feel comfortable enough to let myself be uninhibited with. Fifteen years of being sexually rejected does play into my insecurities- so I'm probably a bit of a sexual basket-case at this point. Fun times. :( That must be really hard. I don't know how you did it for that long. I'm going on one year and I already and so confused on how to feel. I agree on the wanting to be admired and desired. I feel like being married your s/o would find you irrastable but to be rejected every night and promised and then back out. Because of a head ache or a bad mood or don't feel good. When really it's just because she don't feel like. Sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
LolaH Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Intellectually I have my head around this problem- my s.o. being the grey and me being the sexual. Problem is, there's pretty big part of me in mourning over the loss of my sexuality. I assume I'll hit menopause eventually and I'll just start wearing track suits and being sexually invisible to society, but.... right now I'm 40 and I feel like 'the end' of my physical appeal is close. I'd like to be physically admired and desired. I'd like to feel wanted that way. We've considered the open marriage thing and it's not off the table- but it seems terribly complicated and difficult to find a third person who can respect me/my s.o., understand & respect the situation and also make me feel comfortable enough to let myself be uninhibited with. Fifteen years of being sexually rejected does play into my insecurities- so I'm probably a bit of a sexual basket-case at this point. Fun times. :( That must be really hard. I don't know how you did it for that long. I'm going on one year and I already and so confused on how to feel. I agree on the wanting to be admired and desired. I feel like being married your s/o would find you irrastable but to be rejected every night and promised and then back out. Because of a head ache or a bad mood or don't feel good. When really it's just because she don't feel like. Sucks. I moved into my own room- which actually helps bc I'm not laying there every night feeling invisible while he reads or whatever. We didn't really understand it was asexuality until a few months ago- so it was YEARS of feeling like it was me being rejected. Now I understand it's not about me, which makes it easier (though not easy). I'm not angry anymore, but I still feel a bit sexually neglected and irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 That feeling of not being loved is so hard. I always hits me when she turns it down. Once a month was so very hard for me. I am kinda new to sex so my sex drive is high. I have learn to just do it my self lol. She doesn't. Mind. Have you two ever talked about the possibility of opening your marriage? As in, would you be okay with having sex with other people when your wife doesn't want to give you sex, and would she also be okay with it? If it works, it might actually be the solution to all of your problems (both yours and hers). Not saying it's the only solution, of course, but you may want to think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Iloveyou0410 Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 We did discuss that, but I am not ok with sex with out feeling. And she doesn't want me to either. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 We've been married for 27 years so in a way we've always been compromising, but for two years now we have actually been trying this agreement we have. Prior to finding AVEN, I had sex outside the marriage (that was a long time ago)...he didn't want me to but I did it anyway and then regretted it. We have also tried sleeping separate and I have to say I'm really glad we don't do that anymore either, and we also tried actually splitting up and living apart with a possible divorce on the table. Thankfully we got back together. I got married really young so I feel like it is way to soon for my sex life to be over. Link to post Share on other sites
Iloveyou0410 Posted June 17, 2013 Author Share Posted June 17, 2013 We've been married for 27 years so in a way we've always been compromising, but for two years now we have actually been trying this agreement we have. Prior to finding AVEN, I had sex outside the marriage (that was a long time ago)...he didn't want me to but I did it anyway and then regretted it. We have also tried sleeping separate and I have to say I'm really glad we don't do that anymore either, and we also tried actually splitting up and living apart with a possible divorce on the table. Thankfully we got back together. I got married really young so I feel like it is way to soon for my sex life to be over. I really like seeing story's of married couples that have been doing this a long time. I hope I can go as long as you. My wife is so against divorce. I couldn't imagen sleeping or living separately. She is about to go to her home state for her best friends wedding and I don't like that. Only because I just hate being away at night. It does suck being young had thinking you sex life is over already when I just started. Link to post Share on other sites
sm1992 Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 Darling (Iloveyou0410) I found you :) Don't give up love were still working on everything. We will get to a place where were both comfortable its just going to take time. And there is no way I'm letting you sleep separate I NEED my night time cuddles. I love you Smoochie Link to post Share on other sites
Iloveyou0410 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Share Posted June 18, 2013 You weren't supposed to find me :p . I know but you know sometimes it's hard. I hope it don't take long. I don't want to sleep alone lol. I need your cuddles at night. I love you two big head. Link to post Share on other sites
Down in Texas Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 Intellectually I have my head around this problem- my s.o. being the grey and me being the sexual. Problem is, there's pretty big part of me in mourning over the loss of my sexuality. I assume I'll hit menopause eventually and I'll just start wearing track suits and being sexually invisible to society, but.... right now I'm 40 and I feel like 'the end' of my physical appeal is close. I'd like to be physically admired and desired. I'd like to feel wanted that way. We've considered the open marriage thing and it's not off the table- but it seems terribly complicated and difficult to find a third person who can respect me/my s.o., understand & respect the situation and also make me feel comfortable enough to let myself be uninhibited with. Fifteen years of being sexually rejected does play into my insecurities- so I'm probably a bit of a sexual basket-case at this point. Fun times. :( Possible TMI Don't count on Menopause to be the cure. I am well into menopause and my sex drive has not dropped off at all, in fact it has gotten stronger in many ways. Yes, it is different than in my youth but the emotional bond that comes with the good times lingers and is a constant reminder of what could have been in my case. My husband has been dealing with low T for well over twenty years and now for the last ten years has been battling E.D. The sad thing is E.D. is winning and I have no control over it. For my Grey A each sexual attempt must stand on it's own merit and he cannot get his mind past the chance that he may not be able to function. I have no problem getting him hard even thought it takes quite a bit more effort on my part but he questions his hardness and does not believe he is hard unless he can see it for himself. Therefore, the function is brief and only last as long as he can see that he is hard. Our attempts have gotten further and further apart and what is an attempt has no emotion in it so it is very hollow and empty for me. I am getting to a point of not caring if we have sex or not. However, that does not satisfy my mind or body and masturbation is not a replacement for the intimacy I so long for. Yet it is the best I can hope for at this point in time. Link to post Share on other sites
Iloveyou0410 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 Intellectually I have my head around this problem- my s.o. being the grey and me being the sexual. Problem is, there's pretty big part of me in mourning over the loss of my sexuality. I assume I'll hit menopause eventually and I'll just start wearing track suits and being sexually invisible to society, but.... right now I'm 40 and I feel like 'the end' of my physical appeal is close. I'd like to be physically admired and desired. I'd like to feel wanted that way. We've considered the open marriage thing and it's not off the table- but it seems terribly complicated and difficult to find a third person who can respect me/my s.o., understand & respect the situation and also make me feel comfortable enough to let myself be uninhibited with. Fifteen years of being sexually rejected does play into my insecurities- so I'm probably a bit of a sexual basket-case at this point.Fun times. :(Possible TMIDon't count on Menopause to be the cure. I am well into menopause and my sex drive has not dropped off at all, in fact it has gotten stronger in many ways. Yes, it is different than in my youth but the emotional bond that comes with the good times lingers and is a constant reminder of what could have been in my case. My husband has been dealing with low T for well over twenty years and now for the last ten years has been battling E.D. The sad thing is E.D. is winning and I have no control over it. For my Grey A each sexual attempt must stand on it's own merit and he cannot get his mind past the chance that he may not be able to function. I have no problem getting him hard even thought it takes quite a bit more effort on my part but he questions his hardness and does not believe he is hard unless he can see it for himself. Therefore, the function is brief and only last as long as he can see that he is hard. Our attempts have gotten further and further apart and what is an attempt has no emotion in it so it is very hollow and empty for me. I am getting to a point of not caring if we have sex or not. However, that does not satisfy my mind or body and masturbation is not a replacement for the intimacy I so long for. Yet it is the best I can hope for at this point in time. I like sex because of the emotional aspect. I just wish we could go back to how it was. It wasn't always like this, sometimes I don't feel like she's trying with the compermises anymore. Not Inless I bring it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict1976 Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I moved into my own room- which actually helps bc I'm not laying there every night feeling invisible while he reads or whatever. We didn't really understand it was asexuality until a few months ago- so it was YEARS of feeling like it was me being rejected. Now I understand it's not about me, which makes it easier (though not easy). I'm not angry anymore, but I still feel a bit sexually neglected and irrelevant. I am thinking about doing this soon. I have had two very emotional conversations that involved promises of compromise. (more physical intimacy leading, hopefully leading to sex more than once a quarter) but the day after each conversation it was like all the promises and apologies never happened. I spend my last 30min to an hour feeling bitter and angry every night. I have told her this but nothing changes. I am hoping that waking up alone for a while will drive home my point. Intellectually I have my head around this problem- my s.o. being the grey and me being the sexual. Problem is, there's pretty big part of me in mourning over the loss of my sexuality. .... I feel like 'the end' of my physical appeal is close. I'd like to be physically admired and desired. I'd like to feel wanted that way. From the people I have talked to here the last week or so this is what aces don't seem to understand. It is not the act that we want so much as to be physically desired. So many well meaning aces say "why not compromise on a set number of time a week or month? That way you get some of what you want and they get some of what they want" The problem is that I am not getting what I want. I do not want to be a chore like mowing the lawn. I never want to do it but once I have the mower going its not so bad. I want my wife to desire sex with me to look forward to it. Thats what I thought I was getting when I got married. For you wonderful aces who are wiling to help you have to understand that sex for us is no some mechanical release that we just need your help with like moving the couch. I can compromise with a hooker I give up some cash and she will pretend to enjoy having sex with me. That is not what I want! Link to post Share on other sites
Tater Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 We know that our sexual partners want to be desired. It's just that that's the one thing an asexual can't do by definition. A lot of us can do sex, but that's as close as we can get. We desire our partners romantically, aesthetically, and for a good portion of us physically, too (for the purpose of sensual pleasure, not sexual.) Desiring another person sexually is the only thing that's completely off the table for every asexual, so we just kind of...exclude it when we're trying to come up with compromises (I do anyway. I suspect others do, too). We know it's an issue, though. Disclaimer: I haven't forgotten grey-a's! I just consider them mostly asexual, and gray-a's mostly default to not feeling sexual attraction, so my statements are applicable to them, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 From the people I have talked to here the last week or so this is what aces don't seem to understand. It is not the act that we want so much as to be physically desired. So many well meaning aces say "why not compromise on a set number of time a week or month? That way you get some of what you want and they get some of what they want" The problem is that I am not getting what I want. I do not want to be a chore like mowing the lawn. I never want to do it but once I have the mower going its not so bad. I want my wife to desire sex with me to look forward to it. Thats what I thought I was getting when I got married. For you wonderful aces who are wiling to help you have to understand that sex for us is no some mechanical release that we just need your help with like moving the couch. I can compromise with a hooker I give up some cash and she will pretend to enjoy having sex with me. That is not what I want! I know I mentioned compromise and how it sort of works. I happen to be the sexual partner in my relationship so I actually understand your wish, but the whole point is as Tater mentioned...that's not going to happen. We have to decide if we can live with them loving us in their way (if it's a chore, then at least it's one they do because they love us). I know that's not what you want...I'm sorry you feel so frustrated right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict1976 Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I know it might be the head space I am in or that I must be more strongly sexual than others but when you tell me you have learned to live with out that connection it is like you are speaking martian. Sex without that connection might as well be prostitution or rape. hearing that that might be the only way to stay with my wife makes me feel like the floor just dropped out from under me. It like saying "you can stay married but we are going to cut out your eyes or plug up your ears". I want a wife not a best friend I have one of those already. Link to post Share on other sites
Tater Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I get that you're frustrated, but on the same token, you're asking for something that can't be fabricated or dredged up from somewhere. Trying to do something of that nature it is hard and tends toward being very creepy and unsettling for the sexual partner in the equation when they really care like you do. You're gonna need to decide what you can and can't live with and talk to your wife throughout that process. Link to post Share on other sites
Iloveyou0410 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 Intellectually I have my head around this problem- my s.o. being the grey and me being the sexual. Problem is, there's pretty big part of me in mourning over the loss of my sexuality. .... I feel like 'the end' of my physical appeal is close. I'd like to be physically admired and desired. I'd like to feel wanted that way. From the people I have talked to here the last week or so this is what aces don't seem to understand. It is not the act that we want so much as to be physically desired. So many well meaning aces say "why not compromise on a set number of time a week or month? That way you get some of what you want and they get some of what they want" The problem is that I am not getting what I want. I do not want to be a chore like mowing the lawn. I never want to do it but once I have the mower going its not so bad. I want my wife to desire sex with me to look forward to it. Thats what I thought I was getting when I got married. For you wonderful aces who are wiling to help you have to understand that sex for us is no some mechanical release that we just need your help with like moving the couch. I can compromise with a hooker I give up some cash and she will pretend to enjoy having sex with me. That is not what I want! some times it just sucks. because benedict is right for me to its the connection not the act. some times cuddling isnt eungh. exspeicaly when she just wants to cuddle with the tv on.i hate that.but she doent like to just lay and talk. she has a hard time even just getting to the point of are nights that we have. i dont feel like thats a fair compermise,if shes not into it. then im just making her suffer. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I know it might be the head space I am in or that I must be more strongly sexual than others but when you tell me you have learned to live with out that connection it is like you are speaking martian. Sex without that connection might as well be prostitution or rape. hearing that that might be the only way to stay with my wife makes me feel like the floor just dropped out from under me. It like saying "you can stay married but we are going to cut out your eyes or plug up your ears". I want a wife not a best friend I have one of those already. Yeah, I'm very sexual. I have gone out on my husband (we didn't discuss if this was okay, I just told him I was doing it and did). I have had my own bedroom, which then led to a two year split. We failed at all these attempts but other people have had success where we did not. I didn't reach any kind of acceptance of this arrangement overnight and honestly still struggle with thoughts such as those you mentioned. The thing for me is this....knowing I don't want to be with someone else, or apart from him completely leaves me in the position of our compromise. Notice I said I don't want those other options. If I'm going to choose to be with him, I'm going to do my best to show him that I do love him as he also does for me. Being very sexual and not always having an outlet for it is something I have certainly struggled with...I'm not going to say it was easy or is now, but I'm also not going to pretend I'm not a happy person because overall I am. There are so many aspects of this and I feel each person has to decide how they will reconcile these feelings and thoughts. I try to support each person or couple as best as I can in their individual decision making. In the past couple of years I've talked to a few couples and not all of them choose compromise for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Iloveyou0410 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 Ladybird, you ever met a couple that have been compermiseing form befor they were married and many years later? I love that your story it really gives me hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Girl Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Ladybird, you ever met a couple that have been compermiseing form befor they were married and many years later? I love that your story it really gives me hope. I know of at least five couples from this sight (besides my own) that I can think of off the top of my head. In three of them the asexual partner knew and told their partner before they got together...these relationships are four to ten years old. In the other two and mine as well, we compromised without knowing we were doing that, increasingly became bothered by the situation and eventually found AVEN. Advice from the site helped us understand asexuality and increasingly enjoy other aspects about our partners instead of always focusing on missing being desired that way by them. Most of us have found that a somewhat flexible compromise is best and that expectations for our partner to feel something they don't hurts more than it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Iloveyou0410 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 I hope me and my wife can be one of thoes couples to. Hereing things like that helps. This is new to us. We're just starting the journey. Link to post Share on other sites
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