KAGU143 Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/05/dear_prudence_i_m_too_pretty_for_my_fiance.html?wpisrc=newsletter_rubric 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ithaca Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 (edited) Dear Prudence, I feel like a complete oddity, but I am a male who hates sex. I feel dirty and gross during and after the process. When I’m with a partner I do my best to help satisfy their needs and desires, but I almost always have to rush to the shower afterward. Some times I simply can't even be touched without jerking away and having a panic attack. But I do love going on dates, making dinner together, snuggling while watching movies. I've tried therapy and anti-anxiety meds, but two years of seeing a psychiatrist hasn't helped much and the meds just make me feel even more disconnected. Help! —Asexual Romantic Dear Asexual, About half the husbands who write to me with marital problems would say their wives are looking for a guy just like you. Someone who wants to help in the kitchen! Someone who wants to get cozy during a movie! Someone who wants to get into bed in order to read and fall asleep! It’s interesting that while you recoil from the sex act, and sometimes even from another’s touch, at other times you are happy to cuddle. Given your distress about your situation, of course I would have suggested therapy. But you’ve been in it for two years with no improvement. You went to your doctor with a specific goal, and when it became clear no progress was being made the plug should have been pulled. Not every problem can be fixed, but it might be worth it to at least try a therapist with a different approach, one who will agree to a treatment timeline. But let’s say that whatever you do, you remain repelled by the physical act, yet desirous of a warm, loving partnership. I think you should take a look at the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network and see if it speaks to you. Humans are infinitely variable, and you may simply be someone who for whatever reason falls on the far end of the sexuality spectrum. AVEN even has a Meetup Mart, for people to connect (within limits!) to others who share their perspective. It may be a relief to you to no longer have to please partners whose needs so profoundly conflict with your own. —Prudie This is great ^_^ **goes baking a cake while waiting for him to join** EDIT: Dear Prudence was already linked in World Watch in 2003, and I have to say it's improved :lol: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/1543-dear-prudence/ EDIT 2: I just found also a column from 2004: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/6082-prudie-im-ashamed/ Neither of them mention asexuality explicitly, but they're still interesting! Edited May 31, 2013 by Lt. ithasha Yar 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vega91 Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 Awesome, glad to see some more mainstream (I think?) press mention asexuality. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kellam Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 Hey, I was going to post this! :P (I'm kind of addicted to Dear Prudence...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kazoo Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 Favorite line: "AVEN even has a Meetup Mart, for people to connect (within limits!) to others who share their perspective." :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 Oh gosh, I thought it was in the first letter they sent to Dear Prudence and I read the story about that girl/woman complaining about her fiancé's income and the fact she's too pretty for him. Faith in humanity: destroyed <_< Prudie's answer was something really awesome, though. I'm glad AVEN was linked and I do hope this person joins. I'd be really curious about his life story. I wonder what he'll think if and when he sees this thread... :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asexual_romantic Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Well, this is what I get when I do something crazy like send an email to Emily Yoffe without considering the consequences. Who would have thought that sending Dear Prudence a letter would get a response and get me referred to a whole community of Aces. So ah, that's me, Asexual Romantic. I go by William in the world. I didn't realize this would happen, but I'm rather happy it did. Hello everyone. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ithaca Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Well, this is what I get when I do something crazy like send an email to Emily Yoffe without considering the consequences. Who would have thought that sending Dear Prudence a letter would get a response and get me referred to a whole community of Aces. So ah, that's me, Asexual Romantic. I go by William in the world. I didn't realize this would happen, but I'm rather happy it did. Hello everyone. Welcome to AVEN, William! ^_^ I was waiting for you, and I baked a cake in the meantime =P 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asexual_romantic Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Oooh, and it has chocolate! Well, clearly you've been reading up on my secret (hahahahahahaah no) weakness! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debaser Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Welcome to AVEN, William. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asexual_romantic Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 Oh gosh, I thought it was in the first letter they sent to Dear Prudence and I read the story about that girl/woman complaining about her fiancé's income and the fact she's too pretty for him. Faith in humanity: destroyed <_< Prudie's answer was something really awesome, though. I'm glad AVEN was linked and I do hope this person joins. I'd be really curious about his life story. I wonder what he'll think if and when he sees this thread... :P Oh man, life story? That's complicated. I guess I can give it a try. So I was raised in a household that started out generic protestant with some catholic influence (mom's family were irish and swedish catholics), but gradually got more religious over time, ending up in baptist fundamentalism round the late 90s. We moved around a lot, in order I've been to: born in South Carolina, moved to California where my brother was born two years later, then to Virginia for a bit, then Panama, Italy, Alabama, Maryland, Arkansas, Alabama again, then Virginia for eight years, with a couple of years in Florida and Chicago for college. I was always kind of shy - I don't understand people or social situations. I don't have conversations so much as feel like I'm one room over listening to some idiot that sounds like me make an asshole of himself. I struggled in school because I just couldn't understand why people didn't want to hear me talking about all the cool science and literature things I liked. I was self-absorbed, clueless, and utterly in love with geekery. Dungeons and Dragons, video games, Oscar Wilde, Star Wars, Tolkein, LeGuin, all of it. By the time we got to VA in 2000, I was starting to grow out of my "so christian it's making jesus uncomfortable" phase because of some hard questions I was being forced to ask. Then mom got cancer, and life just went weird. My parents were convinced I was going down a bad road, so they packed me off to a couple of Christian schools, one of them the hyper strict Pensacola Christian College in Florida, which was quite literally the most evil place I have ever been short of my visit to Dachau when we lived in Europe. The mentality was awful there, just the death of reason and the ironic mind. Mom died in 05, after what was one of the worst weeklong declines I've ever seen in a person. I kind of went into neurotic breakdown around that time, because I barely remember anything til 06, when I went to Chicago to go back to school. I left a couple of years later, moved out and have been moving around the US ever since. I lived in North Carolina with a friend for a while, then I got my own place, then I got in touch with some like minded people out in California, so I moved out here. Things are still rough, the job market is crappy and I'm getting by on a min wage, but I do like California. Hoo, what else. I was in two pretty disastrous relationships during this time. Before mom died, I was with a guy for about three years, and it was lovely if stressful (try keeping that kind of relationship from baptist parents - it is a nightmare of neurosis). We broke up during my emotional shutdown phase - we were both argumentative and abusive, partly because of my asexuality. I just couldn't be what he needed, and he couldn't understand that this wasn't me disliking -him-. I dated a long time friend of mine a year later, but that didn't really go anywhere for long. We had a nice year, but it just wasn't working for her. About a year ago I dated someone I didn't really know, on a whim more or less. We hit it off at a convention and started seeing eachother. She didn't take to the asexual thing either. She'd say she understood, but then one day I found her trying to force my hand down her pants when I was trying to frantically pull away without hyperventilating. That ended a few days later too. I don't know what it is. I just can't seem to combine intimacy with romance, and it hurts. Well, this took a morbid turn. Vanilla coke with our cake anyone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asexual_romantic Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 Oh god. I read some of the comments to that slate piece. It's like having 4chan diagnose you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 18, 2013 Share Posted June 18, 2013 Oh my. I had no idea it was you. :( I'm really sorry to hear you had to go through all of this, and that part of it was due to lack of acceptance of your own orientation. Nobody can change the past, but I do hope that AVEN helps you brighten your future a bit, however little. Don't know what else I should say here. Oh, right: welcome! Apologies, I suck at comforting people. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparky9738 Posted June 19, 2013 Share Posted June 19, 2013 Yayyyyyy!!! This thread right here restores my faith in humanity. High fives to everybody and welcome, William! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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