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songsofadistantshore

Living with an asexual/low sexual wife

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songsofadistantshore

Hi.

This is my first post on these forums, though I've been lurking a while. This seems to be one of the few sites that handles asexuality with respect for both the asexual and sexuals who might find themselves in relationships with an a-sexual. I've been thinking about some things a great deal and feel this is an ok forum to get some things off my chest and to have a chance to organize my thoughts. My apologies, for this might be a little long.

I am a sexual man in his late 30's. I've been married for nearly 7 years now but had been living together for several years prior to that. I have 2 children from my first marriage who are in their early teens. For the first 4 or 5 years of our relationship we had solid, regular sexual relations. This slowly started tapering off to the point that I'm surprised if something occurs more than about once ever 2 months. She says she enjoys sex once we get into it, and from her responses I do not doubt her there, though she is often very passive during the whole process. She also says she does find me attractive. Its just that sex doesn't interest her. To her, it feels like far more work than it is worth.

She's aware of the concept of asexuality and we have discussed it in general terms. I've never asked her if she considers herself asexual, much less discussing what that might mean for us as as a couple. I get the impression that she is uncertain or reluctant to apply the label to herself. I do strongly get the impression though, that the sex we do have is a unspoken form of the compromise that is often talked about here to try to meet the needs of both parties in a sexual/asexual relationship. She might also have some doubt has she had been on anti-depressants 3 or 4 years, and only recently has gone off them (something I honestly discouraged her from doing as she has bouts of deep depression and the medication did make those valleys much less deep). I know some people who had depressed libidos due to antidepressant medication sometimes recover their former sex drive and sometimes do not. So perhaps there might be change in this area eventually. I'm not holding my breath, though.

I've mentioned above that I think our current level of sexual contact is an unspoken compromise. I try not to pressure her often and I think she's trying to meet me part-way. To be truly satisfied I would really want much closer to once a week (though that wouldn't always have to intercourse) but would really like to see much closer to once a month. I hate the idea of compromise sex though. Even if it is by mutual agreement, and even if it is done out of a desire to meet my needs, I still feel she is doing deeply personal with her body that she would rather not. There is also the element of me needing to be desired sexually, to have her want to be with me, that is an element that is missing. I do meet my own needs sometimes, and that helps, though it certainly isn't the same. I have used porn, though I find it distasteful, even if I can get pleasure from it, its not something I want to be involved with (not to judge those who do enjoy it though). The so called third option is not on the table. I have a sister who is in a poly-amorous marriage. We have discussed this and length, not because we were considering such, but because we were trying to understand how to properly be supportive of her and her husband. Both of us fully admit that while we are ok with their choice, it would be something that we can't understand. Certainly wouldn't work for us.

The thing is, after all this is said and after I admit that I am deeply frustrated at the moment, that I have no desire to dissolve our relationship. She is my best friend, my confidant, someone who I am intimate with emotionally and physically in nonsexual ways. I trust her deeply and admire her. We have very similar senses of humor, and can still hold long conversations after nearly a decade as a couple. Sure, she has flaws, but we generally work well together in many, many areas. She's also a wonderful step-mother to my children (for more of a mother to them than their biological mother ever has been). There is also the simple fact that I love her, deeply. Yes, lack of sex is a problem. Every relationship is going to have its issues though. There is so much right with this relationship that I wouldn't want to end it. Yes, I might find a situation where my sexual needs would be met much more fully. But I doubt I would be as happy with anyone else as I am with her. If lack of sex is the price I have to pay to be with this women, then I am more than willing to do so. Doesn't mean I won't be frustrated at times, but this is something I can deal with.

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BlueRaven

I GREATLY applaud you for your loyalty, and your willingness to try to keep away from porn you are a very rare species of man if I may say so myself. I had a problem like that with my boyfriend recently where I didn't want to do it much while he would like to do it all the time.

If it's the anti-deppressants causing her low libido I'm not sure what advice I can give except see if there's a safe herb/food to eat that is known to raise it.

Otherwise, has the manner of the sex changed around the time she didn't like it as much? Or maybe she's scared of getting pregnant?

Or she doesn't like the concept that it illustrates (key jabbing into lock) But that's just my input bc like my description says i'm not that ecstatic that I was born a female. I'm just saying it could be possible she may have developed a dislike for her body because she sees only the negative aspects. Idk if you think that could be a part of it let me know and i'd be happy to talk about the conflicts I had with myself that made me very inclined to being asexual, how it caused some problems in my relationship, and how I started to reach a compromise.

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LolaH

Hey Songs! Welcome to AVEN! :cake::cake::cake:

I'm in the same boat as you- the sexual with an asexual. I don't have any answers for you, but I really think that reaching out to this community is helpful. It's a difficult situation and it's helped me very much to hear others share their stories here. Still, I'm not doing great lately, but understanding the issue helps somewhat. I hope you find some peace here... this is a safe place.

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samoht2223

I am also living with an asexual. I think that I have come to terms with it but she hasn't. The simple fact is that for the most part she does not want to have sex. So every so often it is ok with her. For the most part what happens is that we go for weeks or even months without sex. After this long dryspell , she senses that this is a problem. At that point, she reluctantly decides to have sex. We might have sex two or three times that week. Mentally, she now seems to have filled her quota for a while and she goes into a mode where she sees how long we as a couple can go with no sex again. It is kind of like when your car's empty light just goes on. Some people fill the tank when they see it. She pushes the envelope each cycle.

This cycle has repeated itself in some form or another for 17 years. The internet has gotten me through it. However, it has caused a huge strain in our relationship because I don't feel connected to her as a lover because she has made it very clear that she has sex reluctantly. So during the dryspell a few different things always occur. What used to occur is that she would look for flaws in me and point them out. It didn't really matter what the flaws were, and I am not perfect. This situation wherein she is critical of me has fallen off greatly since she went to therapy. The therapist told her that she should cut me some slack. (Also, she never mentioned the sexual issues between us to her therapist). Now there seems to be more of a trade off. If I don't push for sex during a dryspell, she won't criticize me. Now, I have thick skin and don't mind being criticized. Also, I have a good sense of fairness so I would calmy stand up for myself anyway. What I realized is that her being critical of me was a way of justifying not having sex me to herself. But I want to express that this has lessened greatly.

We have talked openly about this whole issue before. On one occasion she outright told me that she just does not need to have sex anymore. After this many years I believe that now and am at the phase of acceptance. So recently I decided to have an open discussion with her. I said "Look, I would prefer to have sex between 3 and 5 times per week. You reluctantly have sex with me for maybe a couple of days out of each month if that. So putting my desire at a conservative 3 times per week we are talking close to 160 times per year. You are more in the range of 24 times per year and much of that is because you don't like the tension that builds up during dry spells. Also you have told me in the past that you just don't need to do it anymore. There is no way to bridge a gap that big through compromise. We could both compromise and we would both still be unhappy with the arrangement. Plus, I don't want to have compromise sex. So I want to have sex with other people. I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to more times than you want to. I love you, but I not only need to have sex but I like having sex. This doesn't mean other things have to change. I am not talking about divorce. I think this would be best for both of us and our the best thing for our relationship." She cried and didn't sleep that night and had a rough couple of days. After we talked some more we had sex three times that week. Perhaps the following week we even had sex again which was a change. I mentally, dropped the issue of having sex with other people. Then the cycle started again.

She thinks there is something wrong with her. I don't think that there is. Sometimes I think couples like us get divorced. Sometimes I think one party cheats and the other party ignores it. Sometimes I think they have an understanding. Society is way too judgmental. This is what is really causing the problem. Anyway, I am trying to introduce her to this again through a Psychology Today article which discusses alternatives within a marriage. I am not sure how she will react to this. She has not seem to accept that this is who she is and this is who we are and that leaves us with the following alternatives. I tell her there is nothing wrong with her and she doesn't seem to accept that. What I am realizing now is that this won't happen overnight either. Throughout the next year either there will be an arrangement or she will end up telling me that she can't live like that and she wants a divorce. I guess it is possible that I will drop the issue and things will go back to their old pattern. Or we could just stop talking about it and I will do what I would like and she will do what she likes and if it becomes a problem we will deal with it. What I want to end is the pattern. The pattern itself feels like it is choking me. Maybe I will return here and let you know how it turns out. But I shared this for only one reason. People need to stop judging other people and couples. It makes people and couples feel like they are damaged. So the next time someone is going on and on about someone cheating or calling someone a slut or a pervert or a prude metaphorically tell them to shut the f up. Remind them that we are all different with different circumstances and personalities and that people should stay out of other peoples bedrooms and stop judging everyone for their sexual preferences.

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JDP

Some courageous posts here. My heart goes out to you.

In my marriage, I'm the asexual and my wife is the sexual. From being here a while, I sense that it's usually the other way around in a mixed marriage, i.e. it's the wife that's asexual.

You're right that we shouldn't pigeonhole couples and their problems. It's different in every marriage.

To me these posts remind me of how intractable these mixed marriage problems are.

To a sexual person, sex on a schedule probably doesn't seem much better than masturbation.

To an asexual person, at least to me, masturbation is always better than sex with a partner.

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songsofadistantshore

I GREATLY applaud you for your loyalty, and your willingness to try to keep away from porn you are a very rare species of man if I may say so myself. I had a problem like that with my boyfriend recently where I didn't want to do it much while he would like to do it all the time.

If it's the anti-deppressants causing her low libido I'm not sure what advice I can give except see if there's a safe herb/food to eat that is known to raise it.

Otherwise, has the manner of the sex changed around the time she didn't like it as much? Or maybe she's scared of getting pregnant?

Or she doesn't like the concept that it illustrates (key jabbing into lock) But that's just my input bc like my description says i'm not that ecstatic that I was born a female. I'm just saying it could be possible she may have developed a dislike for her body because she sees only the negative aspects. Idk if you think that could be a part of it let me know and i'd be happy to talk about the conflicts I had with myself that made me very inclined to being asexual, how it caused some problems in my relationship, and how I started to reach a compromise.

Its not that she's worried about getting pregnant. I had a vasectomy after my youngest was born, back when I was with my first wife. I don't want to have other children and she doesn't want to have any of her own. She greatly appreciates the fact that no further birth-control methods are needed. Its been nearly 11 years since the procedure, so if something were to happen, it would truly be an act of God and we would deal. Its not a worry though.

She does have some serious body-image and self-esteem issues. She frankly doesn't understand how I find her attractive, to the point where it hurts when I tell her she's beautiful. She's been on the heavy side since she was young and she's very self-conscious of it. Her father would make disparaging marks about her weight from when she was little, or so I gather, and the harm that did has stuck with her. Thing is, I do find her really attractive. I just have to be careful how I tell her. She has a hard time seeing the good in herself in general. Which is sad as she has a lot going for her.

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Serran

Why is she against opening the marriage? Is it because she is afraid you will fall in love with someone else? Is it because she is monogamous? Is it because she thinks it means you don't want her if you want someone else? If you discuss it and her issues with it, she may be able to open up to it if it is just insecure. If she is truly monogamous though... well, some of us are mono and some are poly and that is all there is to it. I would rather my husband left than cheated, but some don't mind the turn a blind eye game. I would discuss this with her in more detail and see what her issues with it are in detail. We have many open/poly couples here, but they all believe in honesty being key to those being successful.

Hope you find something that works for the two of you.

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JDP

My wife would be crushed if I suggested she find someone to play with, outside of marriage. It would just confirm in her mind her worst fear, and she'd feel like shit. I know her very well.

I put the percentage of people who have the self-awareness and emotional discipline to make a poly relationship work at 0.00000000001.

We'd all like to believe that sex is just sex and that if two people really do love each other, sharing a spouse with a third person sexually ought to not be a problem. I believe in most cases it doesn't work out. It didn't for me, anyway, and I'm asexual.

Sexuals hold sexual intimacy in very high regard. It is easy for me to see why a passionate, intimate relationship with a third party would create problems for an asexual/sexual couple.

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Serran

I put the percentage of people who have the self-awareness and emotional discipline to make a poly relationship work at 0.00000000001.

That is kind of insulting to the poly community. Roughly 8% find it their ideal relationship model according to studies and roughly 20% have tried it in some variation. Poly is pretty common.

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JDP

Eight percent of what? Twenty percent of what?

I don't think it's nearly as common as you would imply. I'm talking about married couples involving outside sex partners.

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Serran

Populations. The 8% study was done in Finland and the 20% study was done in the U.S. ... you know, like the study says 1% of the world is asexual (though, I think the number is probably higher, it's an old study with a limited base).

And plenty of poly people are married and have outside sex partners. "Blumstein and Schwartz (1983, cited in Rubin & Adams, 1986) noted that of 3,574 married couples in their sample, 15-28% had an understanding that allows nonmonogamy..."

Oh and I was asking samoh why his wife wouldn't want open, since had asked her. :) If that was confusion. I didn't quote his post cause it's hard to quote long posts on my tablet. It makes the type section go wonky. :s

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JDP

Hmmm... I looked that up. The claim is that 2 percent, more of less, of marriages are actively open (as opposed to theoretically), but the study is 30 years old.

The study doesn't mention how many of these couples would actually do it again, after having experimented once.

I have no problem with polys. More power to 'em. I'm just saying it looks a lot better on paper than in actual practice, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who wasn't fully prepared for the consequences..

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Serran

Many relationships are not actively open at any time because... it's hard to find a partner that fits your criteria. *shrug*

And yes, no one should enter into it without research and understanding. But, to say the number of successful poly relationships is 0.000001 is simply being negative. We have multiple successful poly people on this board alone, if it's only 0.000001% of marriages, how'd we get so many of the small amount? ;)

Obviously, studies are not ever 100% accurate. They only study what they are specifically looking at. They rarely do follow ups. But, they give a general idea of something. I'd say the 8% from Finland was probably more accurate, since they were asking whether or not this is your IDEAL for a relationship model, not just "have you tried it?"

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JDP

to say the number of successful poly relationships is 0.000001 is simply being negative. We have multiple successful poly people on this board alone, if it's only 0.000001% of marriages, how'd we get so many of the small amount?

OK, so I used a bit of hyperbole, but I submit the percentage of all U.S. marriages (not Finnish) that are successfully poly (i.e. those that could be considered part of the poly "community") is less than one percent.

I could be wrong, of course. If you agree to non-monogamy, but would never actually do it, or have done it and regret it, are you "poly?"

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Serran

to say the number of successful poly relationships is 0.000001 is simply being negative. We have multiple successful poly people on this board alone, if it's only 0.000001% of marriages, how'd we get so many of the small amount?

OK, so I used a bit of hyperbole, but I submit the percentage of all U.S. marriages (not Finnish) that are successfully poly (i.e. those that could be considered part of the poly "community") is less than one percent.

I could be wrong, of course. If you agree to non-monogamy, but would never actually do it, or have done it and regret it, are you "poly?"

If you agree to non-monogamy and haven't done it yet because you haven't found a partner, yeah I would say you are poly as you have adopted a poly lifestyle. If you do it and regret it, no of course not, since you would then go back to the monogamous philosophy.

http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2013/6/19/when-three-or-more-is-not-a-crowd.html... that article says 4-5% and lists its sources (one of the rare ones that state a source, though I found a lot that state the 4-5%). Unfortunately, I can't find the actual study available without registering to download the 30 page document. And I really don't have time to go through a 30 page document to check it right now. Every article I have read keeps stating the same % for Americans happily in currently active non-monogamous arrangements, so it seems a popular study. When I have some time I will read it.

Those who are actually in the poly community may be able to give more resources though. Finding the scientific studies on asexuality is pretty difficult too, if you don't know what you're looking for. But, the community here keeps track of them. So, the poly community may do something similar.

My point is though that asexuals feel quite alone because the number 1% is daunting. To marginalize the poly community by purposefully naming a ridiculously small number, might make someone who is interested in that lifestyle feel bad about that interest. Since the people in this thread have stated an interest in non-monogamy, I see no reason to do such a thing. No, the lifestyle isn't for everyone. Personally, I cannot do it and doubt I ever would be able to. But, I know many members on this site have non-monogamous arrangements and are very happy with them. Many of those members didn't recognize their poly instincts though because of how negatively society views it. I see no reason to add to that negativity by saying a poly person has a very low chance of ever having a relationship work out.

But... anyway, we are totally derailing this thread.

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paradoxinabox

She says she enjoys sex once we get into it, and from her responses I do not doubt her there, though she is often very passive during the whole process. She also says she does find me attractive. Its just that sex doesn't interest her. To her, it feels like far more work than it is worth.

She's aware of the concept of asexuality and we have discussed it in general terms. I've never asked her if she considers herself asexual, much less discussing what that might mean for us as as a couple. I get the impression that she is uncertain or reluctant to apply the label to herself.

I've mentioned above that I think our current level of sexual contact is an unspoken compromise. I try not to pressure her often and I think she's trying to meet me part-way. To be truly satisfied I would really want much closer to once a week (though that wouldn't always have to intercourse) but would really like to see much closer to once a month. I hate the idea of compromise sex though. Even if it is by mutual agreement, and even if it is done out of a desire to meet my needs, I still feel she is doing deeply personal with her body that she would rather not. There is also the element of me needing to be desired sexually, to have her want to be with me, that is an element that is missing. I do meet my own needs sometimes, and that helps, though it certainly isn't the same. I have used porn, though I find it distasteful, even if I can get pleasure from it, its not something I want to be involved with (not to judge those who do enjoy it though).

The thing is, after all this is said and after I admit that I am deeply frustrated at the moment, that I have no desire to dissolve our relationship. She is my best friend, my confidant, someone who I am intimate with emotionally and physically in nonsexual ways. I trust her deeply and admire her. We have very similar senses of humor, and can still hold long conversations after nearly a decade as a couple. Sure, she has flaws, but we generally work well together in many, many areas. She's also a wonderful step-mother to my children (for more of a mother to them than their biological mother ever has been). There is also the simple fact that I love her, deeply. Yes, lack of sex is a problem. Every relationship is going to have its issues though. There is so much right with this relationship that I wouldn't want to end it. Yes, I might find a situation where my sexual needs would be met much more fully. But I doubt I would be as happy with anyone else as I am with her. If lack of sex is the price I have to pay to be with this women, then I am more than willing to do so. Doesn't mean I won't be frustrated at times, but this is something I can deal with.

Hi there,

I just wanted to chime in because you remind me so much of my partner (who also happens to be a sexual male) who I've been with for a little over a year and a half. I can very much relate to what your wife says about sex being more trouble than it's worth. It's not that I'm repulsed by it, but I tend to prefer to not rather than do. I can also understand her reluctancy to label herself because I was the same way for a period of time. It just seemed like a strange thing to do until I began hearing experiences of other asexuals, and realized how many common experiences we shared. I think the community and the stories could be helpful to your wife even if the term asexual is not.

It is also sad how you mentioned your wife has low self-esteem and body image issues because of childhood experiences and put downs. I can see how these issues, along with depression and (possibly) asexuality could greatly affect her intimate relationships with other people. I am guessing that she has been seeking counseling since she was on anti-depressants? Even without these psychological concerns, I can tell you that being asexual can still wreak havoc on your emotional well-being. I have fairly high self-esteem and believe that I am attractive, but years of feeling different and separate in terms of sexuality completely deteriorated my sexual confidence and increased my feelings of inferiority as a partner/lover/companion.

The sections I bolded are amazing to me because I feel like those EXACT words have come out of my partner's mouth. I want to thank you for being the second person I have heard express these types of positive feelings towards their asexual partners. Sometimes I find it almost impossible to comprehend that someone could love me so much that they would stay with me despite their sexual frustrations. I would bet that your wife feels the same way sometimes since it can feel very lonely being asexual. I too commend you on realizing that all of the benefits of your relationship outweigh the sexual cons; I know it is not easy to do sometimes.

I hope everything works out for you and your wife. Your relationship gives me hope that my relationship can continue to work into the future.

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songsofadistantshore

Hi there,

I just wanted to chime in because you remind me so much of my partner (who also happens to be a sexual male) who I've been with for a little over a year and a half. I can very much relate to what your wife says about sex being more trouble than it's worth. It's not that I'm repulsed by it, but I tend to prefer to not rather than do. I can also understand her reluctancy to label herself because I was the same way for a period of time. It just seemed like a strange thing to do until I began hearing experiences of other asexuals, and realized how many common experiences we shared. I think the community and the stories could be helpful to your wife even if the term asexual is not.

It is also sad how you mentioned your wife has low self-esteem and body image issues because of childhood experiences and put downs. I can see how these issues, along with depression and (possibly) asexuality could greatly affect her intimate relationships with other people. I am guessing that she has been seeking counseling since she was on anti-depressants? Even without these psychological concerns, I can tell you that being asexual can still wreak havoc on your emotional well-being. I have fairly high self-esteem and believe that I am attractive, but years of feeling different and separate in terms of sexuality completely deteriorated my sexual confidence and increased my feelings of inferiority as a partner/lover/companion.

The sections I bolded are amazing to me because I feel like those EXACT words have come out of my partner's mouth. I want to thank you for being the second person I have heard express these types of positive feelings towards their asexual partners. Sometimes I find it almost impossible to comprehend that someone could love me so much that they would stay with me despite their sexual frustrations. I would bet that your wife feels the same way sometimes since it can feel very lonely being asexual. I too commend you on realizing that all of the benefits of your relationship outweigh the sexual cons; I know it is not easy to do sometimes.

I hope everything works out for you and your wife. Your relationship gives me hope that my relationship can continue to work into the future.

Thank You. Its good to know that there are people in this world besides myself and my wife trying to make these type of relationships work. Until I found this forum I felt very alone. Just knowing there are others who share similar struggles helps a great deal.

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joesantus

Just musing here...My wife did not describe herself by the label, "Asexual" until recently, although she realizes that she's always been Asexual. During our 33 years of marriage, she and I have struggled both to understand and, until a few years ago, solve our acute sexual disparity (I am a Sexual). We researched high and wide during our decades together, and consequently gathered a great deal of information about things sexual.

Lack of interest in sex could very well be because a person's orientation is Asexual. However, not everyone who might seem to be Asexual is.

What are termed Onset Hypoactive Sexual Desire and Situational Hypoactive Sexual Desire do develop in Sexuals. For example, my wife and I are best friends with a couple, both Sexuals, of which the wife actively desired sex about five times per day throughout the first 25 years of her now 32-year marriage, but, in her case due to perimenopausal hormone changes, suddenly realized she had become completely indifferent to sex. Psychological surfacings -- body-image issues being one -- can also result in Onset Hypoactive Sexual Desire.

Situational Hypoactive Sexual Desire happens when a partner, for various reasons, often at least seemingly relational, ceases to feel sexually attracted to a partner for whom they formerly did feel sexual attraction -- and, unfortunately, while they may no longer feel attracted to their present partner, they can find themselves sexually attracted to others. In the case of longer-term couples, it's common for the one who has ceased to feel attraction to struggle with how to deal with the situation and often (sometimes intentionally) give the impression that they have no desire for sex at all, in order to conceal what they're truly feeling.

So, while this certainly complicates the question for any couple seeking to know what thy're addressing, it does seem necessary to figure out whether the issue is Asexuality as an orientation, or, a radical change in the sexuality of a Sexual.

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JDP

I would expect a complete reversal of sexual interest after having sex so often for so long. I would imagine that is quite normal, or even desirable.

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joesantus

I would expect a complete reversal of sexual interest after having sex so often for so long. I would imagine that is quite normal, or even desirable.

Actually, my wife and I know other just-as-long-long-term couples and past-age-50 individuals who have not experienced such reversals. Not all Sexual women experience the same sexual changes in perimenopause -- some, in fact, become more sexual. Our friends' "100-mph-to-zero" experience isn't at all common; I merely used it as an example of Onset Hypoactive Sexual Desire which I knew.

As far as "normal"... IS there such a thing in the spectrum of sexuality and sexual behavior, outside of textbooks? And, "normal" isn't always "desireable" -- for instance, eyesight and physical capacity "normally" decline as we age, yet loss of physical stamina or eyesight isn't usually considered "desireable".

And as far as "desireable" -- I know that, in our Sexual friend's situation, she badly misses how she used to be, and has seriously sought solutions such as hormone replacement therapy (a tricky thing to get right) to regain her libido, even if partially. I think "desireable" is in the eyes of the beholder -- some of us really do still like the same flavor and amount of cake (well, in my case, pie!) as they liked thirty-plus years ago.

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JDP

Hoo boy, not me. I don't ever want to be young again. Fuck THAT.

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joesantus

Hoo boy, not me. I don't ever want to be young again. Fuck THAT.

Heheheh...IFffffffffffffff I could have the proverbial ideal of my wisdom(?!)-of-years in the physical-plant-of-my-youth, I'd definitely wanna. But -- I guess that's just wanting to have-my-cake(PIE!)-and-eat it too, lol.

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JDP

I've lived a hard life. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

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joesantus

I've lived a hard life. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

*HUGS*, fellow joe. Yeah...

If I could have back only the what I call "points of pleasure" (sex being only one of the things that gives those to me), I'd redo mine, but, then again, all those points strung together wouldn't amount to a blip relative to my overall lifetime..

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Martin de V

I am a sexual man in his late 30's. I've been married for nearly 7 years now but had been living together for several years prior to that. I have 2 children from my first marriage who are in their early teens. For the first 4 or 5 years of our relationship we had solid, regular sexual relations. This slowly started tapering off to the point that I'm surprised if something occurs more than about once ever 2 months. She says she enjoys sex once we get into it, and from her responses I do not doubt her there, though she is often very passive during the whole process. She also says she does find me attractive. Its just that sex doesn't interest her. To her, it feels like far more work than it is worth.

The quotes on this forum and I don't get along, so I'm improvising. :)

Anyway, while I don't have anything profound to offer on your situation, I wanted to join in those admiring your loyalty, and to tell you that I know a lot about how you feel, because the paragraph above very accurately describes things with me and my wife, Jo. Especially with the "more work than it is worth" remark. That really rang true to me.

Good luck to you.

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mysoulisdiein

I have to say that this post has helped me quite a bit. I'm new here as I didn't know about this community till I reached the desperation point, which I'm somewhat stepped back from after reading. I've gotten to the point where I've made an appointment with a psychotherapist who deals with sex therapy, as I am trying to figure out how to kill my desire. I'm tired of the frustration of my life and figure that if I learn how to become asexual as well then things will be easier than the thoughts that I have been having as of late. When I get some time to formulate my thoughts I will post my story to the best of my ability.

Thanks

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Lady Girl

I've gotten to the point where I've made an appointment with a psychotherapist who deals with sex therapy, as I am trying to figure out how to kill my desire. I'm tired of the frustration of my life and figure that if I learn how to become asexual as well then things will be easier than the thoughts that I have been having as of late.

Welcome to AVEN! I just wanted to mention that it's not really a matter of 'becoming' asexual...I don't know that you should want to kill your desire, but perhaps being able to ignore it or diminish it somewhat would be helpful enough for you. Hopefully the therapist will be able to give you some ideas about how to deal with frustration. Please post your story when you have time. :) :cake:

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thoughtitwasjustme

I'm not sure if I belong here, but my story sure does match those that were outlined by other men here.

My wife was never into it, even from the start. We never had that honeymoon period. I was a very shy and introverted guy who never had success with women, but always had a very high drive. My wife was my first in my mid 20s and I was so happy to finally find a woman who was interested in me. Only, I was then disappointed to find that she wasn't a very sexual person. She was for a brief time at the start, but it very quickly diminished. Even when we wouldn't see each other for weeks at a time she wouldn't want to. To be honest, I did want to break up with her at the time, but I liked her otherwise and she was the only woman I had been with so I accepted things as they were and plowed ahead.

So here we are over a decade later with some children and quite a happy life, but emotionally I struggle daily now. When we were done having children, our bedroom went very very cold, for a long time. She was actually repulsed by me even hugging her for quite a while. This sort of snapped me out of my haze and I confronted her for the first time (ya, took over a decade for me to tell her how unsatisfied I was the whole time and I felt very guilty for that, although I didn't put it in those words obviously). Things didn't improve. You can't talk someone into having a sex drive. I sort of thought I could at the time though, but that was years ago and I was naive.

Anyway, things have improved somewhat. We are back to once or twice a month, but it is as the others have described. It's short and to the point. She seems to enjoy it well enough, but I do get the feeling that it's something she does more out of duty. I have never once felt desired by her to be frank. I don't think she's capable. She has described herself as 'broken' in the past when I asked her to tell me about it. She won't really open up though. She says she's always been this way. She doesn't need it or think about it and never has, even when she was younger. I believe her. Her drive for it comes mostly out of fear for our relationship I believe, but she won't admit it. She says she enjoys it and that it's important, but I always get the feeling she says that like she's trying to convince herself. Also, after years of trying to get her interested, I've mostly given up on that pursuit, which I think makes her insecure. I think she enjoyed that I was always so eager to seek her affection and intimacy, but I no longer do. She will basically initiate once a month or so, but it's more of a logical transaction: "We should do it because it's been a long time". That's how she says it. That kills my desire for it. She also describes anything other that quick vanilla as gross. That also kills my drive. She is very healthy both mentally and physically and has no trauma in her past. I looked into all of that trying to explain this.

It led me to some depressing places at times. I internalized it a lot. I tried to become a more attractive 'manlier' man for her. I tried to spice things up. I figured it was my fault for not being the man she needs. I'm not big enough, or handsome enough, or confident enough, or whatever. It put it all on me and it led to some self loathing. Although in the end some of it was good because I did use it to improve many areas of myself. In the end, it didn't have much of an effect on her, although other women did respond, which made things more difficult still (and I never indulged of course).

So, here we are. We do it, like a transaction, and it's not bad. She seems to enjoy it, but there isn't much of an emotional connection between us. I don't get much out of it because I don't feel like it's real for her. She's a great woman. She wants to be that woman I need, but she doesn't know how. That's how our relationship feels now for me. It's like very good roommates. It's like we are forcing each other to be something we aren't. Without the emotional bonding I don't feel the same about her and I don't think she does about me either. This is evidenced by a recent emotional affair I found she was having. It was mild, but evidence that she wasn't getting from me what she needs either.

It's a bit of a mess. I love her and we have a great life together for the most part, but I always have felt like I missed out on passion and intimacy. I married someone who has never needed it. It makes me feel like a paycheck and 'nice guy friend', even though I'm sure she loves me in the way that means something to her. How did two people so far apart in what they need, end up like this? I fear for our future though. I want to make it work, but I know the little bit of drive she has now will diminish more with time as we get to middle age. I try and hold back the thoughts of me being unattractive and pathetic, but they persist. I don't feel like a man if that makes sense. I can't attract my own wife in a real way. She has to force herself out of some duty.

I suspect she's either asexual or extremely low libido, but I don't know if realizing that helps me or her.

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Lady Girl

I suspect she's either asexual or extremely low libido, but I don't know if realizing that helps me or her.

It can both help and hurt both of you...in a manner of speaking. I suppose it's sort of like talking about it all too much. It starts to take away any natural feelings each person has for the other. It makes it seem like less anyone's fault, but it also makes it clearer that there's a big difference in desires.

I do think talking helps more than hurts...but while you're in the talking stage it can be difficult. Then the time will also come when you need to accept the reality and just get back to living. It's between the two of you how you want to work through it.

Welcome to AVEN. :)

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trapped.within.limbo

I'm not sure if I belong here, but my story sure does match those that were outlined by other men here.

My wife was never into it, even from the start. We never had that honeymoon period. I was a very shy and introverted guy who never had success with women, but always had a very high drive. My wife was my first in my mid 20s and I was so happy to finally find a woman who was interested in me. Only, I was then disappointed to find that she wasn't a very sexual person. She was for a brief time at the start, but it very quickly diminished. Even when we wouldn't see each other for weeks at a time she wouldn't want to. To be honest, I did want to break up with her at the time, but I liked her otherwise and she was the only woman I had been with so I accepted things as they were and plowed ahead.

So here we are over a decade later with some children and quite a happy life, but emotionally I struggle daily now. When we were done having children, our bedroom went very very cold, for a long time. She was actually repulsed by me even hugging her for quite a while. This sort of snapped me out of my haze and I confronted her for the first time (ya, took over a decade for me to tell her how unsatisfied I was the whole time and I felt very guilty for that, although I didn't put it in those words obviously). Things didn't improve. You can't talk someone into having a sex drive. I sort of thought I could at the time though, but that was years ago and I was naive.

Anyway, things have improved somewhat. We are back to once or twice a month, but it is as the others have described. It's short and to the point. She seems to enjoy it well enough, but I do get the feeling that it's something she does more out of duty. I have never once felt desired by her to be frank. I don't think she's capable. She has described herself as 'broken' in the past when I asked her to tell me about it. She won't really open up though. She says she's always been this way. She doesn't need it or think about it and never has, even when she was younger. I believe her. Her drive for it comes mostly out of fear for our relationship I believe, but she won't admit it. She says she enjoys it and that it's important, but I always get the feeling she says that like she's trying to convince herself. Also, after years of trying to get her interested, I've mostly given up on that pursuit, which I think makes her insecure. I think she enjoyed that I was always so eager to seek her affection and intimacy, but I no longer do. She will basically initiate once a month or so, but it's more of a logical transaction: "We should do it because it's been a long time". That's how she says it. That kills my desire for it. She also describes anything other that quick vanilla as gross. That also kills my drive. She is very healthy both mentally and physically and has no trauma in her past. I looked into all of that trying to explain this.

It led me to some depressing places at times. I internalized it a lot. I tried to become a more attractive 'manlier' man for her. I tried to spice things up. I figured it was my fault for not being the man she needs. I'm not big enough, or handsome enough, or confident enough, or whatever. It put it all on me and it led to some self loathing. Although in the end some of it was good because I did use it to improve many areas of myself. In the end, it didn't have much of an effect on her, although other women did respond, which made things more difficult still (and I never indulged of course).

So, here we are. We do it, like a transaction, and it's not bad. She seems to enjoy it, but there isn't much of an emotional connection between us. I don't get much out of it because I don't feel like it's real for her. She's a great woman. She wants to be that woman I need, but she doesn't know how. That's how our relationship feels now for me. It's like very good roommates. It's like we are forcing each other to be something we aren't. Without the emotional bonding I don't feel the same about her and I don't think she does about me either. This is evidenced by a recent emotional affair I found she was having. It was mild, but evidence that she wasn't getting from me what she needs either.

It's a bit of a mess. I love her and we have a great life together for the most part, but I always have felt like I missed out on passion and intimacy. I married someone who has never needed it. It makes me feel like a paycheck and 'nice guy friend', even though I'm sure she loves me in the way that means something to her. How did two people so far apart in what they need, end up like this? I fear for our future though. I want to make it work, but I know the little bit of drive she has now will diminish more with time as we get to middle age. I try and hold back the thoughts of me being unattractive and pathetic, but they persist. I don't feel like a man if that makes sense. I can't attract my own wife in a real way. She has to force herself out of some duty.

I suspect she's either asexual or extremely low libido, but I don't know if realizing that helps me or her.

Ya'know, dude, 'duty calls' sex is far from the worst thing in the world. I actually *wish* we could have that (again) - we did for a while.

I never realised it at the time, to be fair, but I do now. Now that we haven't had sex for so long, I can understand how much I got from the 'duty calls'. Sure, I miss the passion of the early days (that I now know to have been a lie. A lie for the very best of intentions and I'm thankful I fell utterly in love with her before I had a chance to 'reject' her). I miss feeling desired in that way. However, I have realised that, most of all, I just miss having sex.

I/we haven't figured out how to deal with that yet.

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