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A Man Who Is Afraid of Sex...and Hopes He Isn't Alone...


havingtrouble

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havingtrouble

I could really use some help.

I'm 21 years old. Within those 21 years, I have tried with several women to have sex. Each time I try, I panic, and my penis becomes flacid. I will be into the moment, enjoying everything up until it is time for the act of sex to actually happen. Then, it dissipates. With more than one woman on more than one occassion, this has happened. Each time it has happened I have convinced myself it was because she wasn't the "right" one.

Now, I am dating a girl who I am thoroughly in love with. I could see myself marrying her someday. But, that love is of her personality, and how compatible we are as people. And still, like with the others, we can't have sex, and it's because of me. It just eats at me to think that I can't do it. It physically hurts to know that I can't make her feel that way, that I can't SHOW her how much I love her. I don't know what other word to use to describe my emotion, so I use fear. I believe I am afraid of sex.

I don't know why, or how, or what caused this. But I am wondering if I am asexual, or if there is a medical problem with me. The latter seems unlikely, since masturbation comes quite easy to me, and is actually my preferred method of sexual pleasure.

It's not that I don't find her sexually attractive; it's that I don't find ANYONE sexually attractive to the point that I want to have sex with them...usually. I'll see a girl who has a beautiful chest, or wonderful butt, and I'll become aroused. Hell, when I start hugging and kissing my girlfriend I become aroused. But I've never once in my life felt the drive to just jump someone and DO it.

Is there a soul out there who feels as I do? Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I even be on this website?

Any help or words of comfort will help. Anything at all will help. I'm really afraid right now.

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Sarcastic_Morteo

That sounds more like performance anxiety than anything else. Your penis is actually tensed up when flaccid and get erect during relaxation. Trying to overcome 'the butterfly' might solve your issue, but that's entirely up to you.

Its possible you're asexual but just as likely that you're not. You have to figure out if you want to have sex with her because YOU want to or out of obligation to her.

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Touchofinsight

I think the terminology your looking for is performance anxiety.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_60/79_love_tip.html

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/will-i-last-the-psychology-of-erectile-dysfunction/

Now no one can tell you are or aren't asexual. We can give you our opinions, and I think this may be the issue for you.

Best of luck to you sir

Touch!

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Glitter Spock
But I am wondering if I am asexual, or if there is a medical problem with me. The latter seems unlikely, since masturbation comes quite easy to me, and is actually my preferred method of sexual pleasure.

It's not that I don't find her sexually attractive; it's that I don't find ANYONE sexually attractive to the point that I want to have sex with them...usually. I'll see a girl who has a beautiful chest, or wonderful butt, and I'll become aroused. Hell, when I start hugging and kissing my girlfriend I become aroused. But I've never once in my life felt the drive to just jump someone and DO it.

I can't speak from personal experience because I've never suddenly lost sexual arousal during sexual activity, but I do know that it's possible for a person to have erectile dysfunction only in certain situations, such as only when with a partner. You do say you are sexually attracted to your partner and (correct me if I'm wrong) you seem to want to be able to have sex with her, if not have sex with her.

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passionatefriend61

Sounds like you're repulsed and/or a gray-asexual to me. If you're experiencing arousal in response to someone's body (not necessarily touch, but their appearance), that would qualify as sexual attraction, but if you don't actually want to have sex, that's pretty classic gray-asexuality. (Note: gray-aces experience their sexuality in a variety of different ways, but the presence of occasional or even regular sexual attraction that doesn't follow through to the act of sex is one of the more common types.) If you only get aroused in response to physical touch with a partner but never actually think of them in a sexual way, I'd say you're plain asexual, because arousal can be involuntary/disconnected from attraction. But given your post, you sound like a gray-a to me.

Wanting to want sex is not the same thing as wanting sex. You have to figure out which one you're feeling: wanting sex, only to be thwarted by your body, or not wanting sex at any point, thus causing you to wish that you did.

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havingtrouble

Thank you everyone who has replied so quickly. It really helps to know there are people out there who care and are willing to help.

Referring to Sarcastic_Morteo and TouchofInsight, I think performance anxiety seems to be the likely answer. First off, I did not know about that little fact concerning relaxation and stress. Beyond that though, it has always been the physical act of sex that scares me. I've never eaten a girl out either, but that's more from a disgust with the smell/expected taste than anything else. Maybe this is a stretch, but would overcoming that obstacle possibly help in my endeavor?

Responding to AgentGlitterboy, I think it's more of my wanting to be able to have sex with her. I really love her, and really want to make her happy. But honestly, that seems to be the major motivator behind my wanting to have sex with her: my wanting to make her happy. And based on what the general feedback from everyone is telling me, that isn't good. Still, I know I'm physically and sexually attracted to her. We have had many occassions where during foreplay I have been perfectly erect and even wanted to penetrate. But, when everything is undressed and the moment of truth is upon me, I panic. ESPECIALLY with the condom. I feel taken out of the moment every time I try putting one on, and it starts to shrink just from that. Any ideas regarding any of that?

And aceofhearts61, I don't know if I would qualify as a Grayace if my main problem is performance anxiety, but that's purely a terminology thing. Still, regarding what I said to AgentGlitterboy, I think it's my wanting to want sex. I feel this way largely because I don't want to let my girlfriend down, or make her feel unwanted. But, the truth is I don't want sex right now. I'm afraid of it; uncomfortable with it. Does this make me a GrayAce? And if so, is there any way to break from that mindset?

Again, I love and thank all of you for all the help you're giving me here. If any of you have any questions for me in return, feel free to ask. It's the least I can do after you've all put in the time to respond to my problem.

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If it is performance anxiety, maybe you could try pleasuring her with a sex toy or fingers while you work on overcoming it, if you guys are comfortable with that. That way, you can rest easy that her needs are being met. Hell, not having the pressure that it needs to happen with your penis might really help, because it takes some of that stress off of your shoulders.

Hell, even if it isn't anxiety and you are ace, you could still use hands or toys to meet her needs.

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Have you tried letting her put the condom on you? My ex used to struggle with them and the annoyance of stopping to put it on would cause his erection to go down, so I took over for him. I made a sort of tease game out of it and instead of being a distraction, it just became part of foreplay for him.

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< retired >

Now, I am dating a girl who I am thoroughly in love with. I could see myself marrying her someday. But, that love is of her personality, and how compatible we are as people. And still, like with the others, we can't have sex, and it's because of me. It just eats at me to think that I can't do it. It physically hurts to know that I can't make her feel that way, that I can't SHOW her how much I love her. I don't know what other word to use to describe my emotion, so I use fear. I believe I am afraid of sex.

At age 21, you don't need to make broad generalizations regarding your sexual capabilities / limitations - you're just starting out. So take a few deep breaths, and relax.

Sex therapists are specially trained to help folks with your problem. You do need an understanding and patient partner who is willing to work through the 'exercises' that your therapist will give you. You may want to first see a urologist so that all of your 'hardware' can be checked out before you begin work on any 'software' problem that may exist.

I don't recommend allowing your entire identity as a person to be tied up in your penis. It's fine to acknowledge that this particular organ isn't working as you'd like, but you are much more than your dick. Just sayin' :)

Good luck! 8)

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havingtrouble

Kaykwitch,

That's how we've been managing for our relationship up to this point. And we certainly have fun with it. It just stinks when she sometimes vocalizes in the heat of the moment that she wants me. She doesn't mean to taunt me by it, in fact she's trying to express how much she likes what I'm doing, but taunting is what it feels like. I know I'm in my head about this to a great extent, but that's what we have both agreed is the large portion of my problem.

As far as she goes though, she has told me more than once that she's not in this relationship for sex, but for me, and plans to stay with me and help me as much as I need. For that reason among others, I really think she might be someone I ask to marry someday, but that's a LONG LONG way off.

Serran,

I haven't actually tried that with her, and I think that's a great idea! The last time I did try that was with another girl, and that didn't work for a different reason which, if you can, I could use help with?

I know it's not necessarily a problem specific to this forum, and if you or anyone else doesn't know it's okay, but I'm having trouble finding a condom that fits me. I'm average length, but as far as width goes I'm a little thicker than most condoms can accomodate. Even larger sizes don't do much for girth, and it can get uncomfortable: one of the reasons I drop off whenever a condom is even in sight.

But, as far as your initial suggestion goes, I like it very much and I'll give it a shot! Thank you :)

ChooseYourBattles,

I know I shouldn't identify my identity with my sexuality. I just have a habit of it because of how important it has become in our culture. It makes me feel like less of a man honestly. As far as any therapy goes, I don't have the money to see anyone on my own being in college. And even if I wanted to see a doctor about it, I'd have to tell my parents about this; something I'm really not comfortable doing. My sex life has always been a subject kept quiet in our family, not because it's wrong, but because they just don't want to know. They've always told me as long as I'm safe, (which they trust me to be), I'm fine. And yes, I'm embarassed to go to them as well. So I guess for now doctors are off the table. :/

To everyone,

You have no idea how much I appreciate that there is even a single person out there willing to help. It warms my heart knowing I have people who are giving advice purely out of the kindness of theirs, and I won't forget it. Again, any questions any of you want to ask me in turn, regardless of how relevent it is to this website's purpose, just message me and I'll happily help.

I love you all, and thank you :)

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soMeRandoM670

OP, it seems your lucky man :) . You feel like a man when you provide for your women sexually,

You going have go down on her. at least get over fear doing that, and fingering and stuff. make sure she knows what she wants before attempting anything, if she doesnt know then you have no chance haha :), you dont need penetrate her, provide for her sexually, just yeah you as other said need get over fear. And also she does want it, so just work it out, but make yourself feel better. Provide for her in mean time while you working it out

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There are condoms for nearly every size, you could try Coripa custom fit if nothing else works, they are a tad pricey but they come in 55 different sizes of varying length / width. There are condom specific shopping sites that have them separated into sizes, measuring yourself will help you find one that fits. Alternatives are if you both are monogamous and get STD tested, you could use other forms of contraception if condoms are too much of a problem.

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havingtrouble

soMeRandoM670

Thank you for your confidence. I guess it really is up to my own personal self-esteem. I'm spending an extended weekend with her in a few weeks, perhaps I can try it then and see what happens. I do get nervous even thinking about it, but not nearly as nervous as I used to.

On a sappier note, I think I know the reason why. She told me she was officially in love with me a few days ago, and honestly I'm not scared. I'm thrilled. I even find myself smiling as I write this. So maybe...just maybe...this isn't about me being asexual at all. Maybe this is what Sarcastic_Morteo and TouchofInsight was referring to with performance anxiety, and maybe the reason I've had it is my nerves over not doing it with the right girl. I know in my heart she's the right girl, I just still tense up when I think about sex. But I think it's just my responsibility to get there, and now I think I have the confidence to do so.

Serran

I have googled and googled, and I NEVER heard of that company! It looks really cool, and may be just what I'm looking for!! Thank you so so so much for introducing me to them! I'll try ordering, and see what happens! Thanks again!!

To Everyone,

All of you have been more help to me than anything else I could have possibly found by far. I tear up knowing that a group of strangers across the planet were kind enough to give me the advice necessary to move forward, even though my problem seems to not even belong under this subject. I cannot thank you enough for your support, and I will once again reiterate my offer to help with other problems in return. Just because I struggle in this regard, does not by any means exonerate my wealth of knowledge I could provide about dozens of other topics. Just personal message me, and I will happily help. :)

I may post again if something new develops, for any who may still be interested. But for now, I am happy about what I have learned. I encourage all who are looking at this to take a lesson from me: sometimes all it is...is confidence.

I love you all, and thank you :)

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I just wanted to say that sex has NOTHING to do with love. Lust and love are two completely different things. Having sex with someone doesn't show that you love them.

You're perfectly fine the way you are. And you most certainly aren't alone. I may be a girl, but I know that you aren't alone. Whether it's anxiety or something else, don't worry about it too much. Everything will work out in the end. Best of luck.

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Touchofinsight

I just wanted to say that sex has NOTHING to do with love. Lust and love are two completely different things. Having sex with someone doesn't show that you love them.

You're perfectly fine the way you are. And you most certainly aren't alone. I may be a girl, but I know that you aren't alone. Whether it's anxiety or something else, don't worry about it too much. Everything will work out in the end. Best of luck.

Keep in mind that for many people it does :) I am not one of them but I feel like it should be noted.

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  • 3 years later...

You're not alone at all. I have a very similar problem and it worries me constantly. It brings down my confidence and I wish it just wasn't an issue. But if I were to post about the same thing you did, it would be almost word for word with your post, that's how exactly close my situation is to yours. I won't give the details because of how similar it is but seeing your post and all the helpful replies has relieved me so much. I feel embarrassed even when I am away from sex. I am very hard on myself about it and I know I should not be, and I think others would agree that can only make it worse. Others would probably agree that I shouldn't be so hard on myself but these things are very hard to talk about in person especially when you never expected it to happen to you. It's difficult to admit it to yourself because I thought it was just a confidence problem and I didn't want to admit to myself that is was performance anxiety, or else I thought it could never be fixed. But I'm not as torn by it as I used to be. It's just sex and I know I will be able to overcome it because I used to consistently have sex with my girlfriend. I know I can get over it and its this thread that keeps me positive about it.

It bothers me sometimes when the topic of discussion between people around me is sex, or I can tell that a girl is thinking about sex, because then I start thinking about the problem and it brings me down. I wish sex wasn't thrown around as between people because it is just lust. Sex is beautiful, but being on a college campus, sex is on everyone's minds and it bothers me because I genuinely don't care about sex as much as others.

I am not with my girlfriend from high school anymore, and she was my first. We went out for a year before we both split up, because we were to far from each other and decided that we started living different lives and should slowly break off a serious relationship. WE HAD A HEALTHY SEX LIFE, and this never happened with her, but the first time I had a "one night stand in college"(which i hate now) it happened once with a girl and I never got over it since. No one knows about it. So i just get so thrown off when people try to set me up with a girl or when they say a girl is into me, I never do well when someone tries to set me up. I get nervous. I would rather just talk to a girl myself and have it happen naturally, I appreciate my friends trying to set me up but I always have to tell them that I actually don' care about sex that much. They look at me weird but I don't care. even if I could have sex as much as possible, I just think one night stands are weird, maybe it's because I've never had a good one idk.

I apologize for the length of this but I just want you and everyone who acknowledged or replied to your post that putting your problem in words like this helps me and so many other in an insurmountable way. More people read this than you think and I know it helps them. Thank you man.

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Hi guys! This topic is an oldie so I'll lock this so it can rest in peace!

You are more then welcome to create a new topic incase you want to continue this discussion

Jayce

Asexual Relationships moderator

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