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I think my patner is asexual


Fran27

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Hi, I think I'm depressed. When I was young, sex was something bad. Now that a I have 24, I think that is a important (and a great one) part of our lives. I love everything about the subject, I even want to study gender studies. I don't know why I say these, maybe because I want to understand my situatition in a theorical way. Anyway, I think my partner is asexual. I live with him and we have almost a year and 1/2 together. He NEVER EVER starts sex and when we have it, if feel almost if I rape him or something. I try to talk many times with him and he never open up. I even talk to him of asexual person like I talk normally of this subjects (because of studies) and he seems "normal" with the subject, he does not react. I'm sure that he is not gay. I know that something bad happend before he know me (her sister told me) but i don't know what and if this is the problem for sex. I love him to much but i'am getting really frustated. Please help me.

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Lady Girl

Hi and welcome to AVEN. Maybe you could just try showing him the website. If you have had lots of talks and already brought up asexuality and he doesn't respond, you really can't make him. I'm sorry things are like this for you but he's really the only one that can decide if he is asexual. I wish I had better advice, but talking is the start of understanding...if that's not possible the only thing left for you (besides leaving) is to accept him this way and realize he won't talk about it. I'm sorry I don't have better advice.

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Hey Fran, thanks for posting. I am an asexual male, and have been I think pretty much my whole life. I have been in a 'sexual' relationship before now, and, like your partner, never once initiated sex. At the time I had no idea or concept of what asexuality was, and I thought that I was some kind of freak, that I was less of a male. I wanted to have sex to keep my partner happy, but it was something I felt entirely uncomfortable, almost alien, doing. I felt clumsy and awkward, and so I let her take the lead, and when things didn't 'go to plan' so to speak (i.e I was unable to get aroused) it resulted in me feeling horrible, her feeling horrible and the whole thing caused so many negative feelings.

I can't say if your partner is asexual or not, but I know that when I discovered AVEN, when I did my own research and read into it a bit more, that it made a lot of sense of a lot of things. I avoided the subject of sex with my girlfriend because it made me feel less of a man, and that by ignoring the problem it would eventually go away. I didn't understand how important sex was to her. Maybe you could direct your partner to AVEN? Let him know that there are other men like him out there.

And if he is asexual it doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. There are many asexual/sexual relationships out there. Unfortunately mine didn't work out but we had a great three and a half years together, and my girlfriend was very understanding when I told her (and I was still able to do other things to 'satisfy' her, without going into too much detail!) as I'm sure you will be understanding. Men are rubbish at opening up, that is the problem. I know because I am one and lived in denial for years!

Sorry, there's probably not much in the way of advice of what you can do next, but you know your partner better than anyone. You can even put him in touch with me if he wants to ask any questions to a fellow male!

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Love I'll tell you some advice that has served me well and will help you marvelously with every kind relationship you have and will ever have:

"Use your words."

Tell him how you've been feeling, tell him your concerns. Its uncomfortable but you must trust him enough to share how you feel when you two are in the sexually entament. Don't say he is this or that or grill him on his human-nomenclature.

But I think Ze Frank can speak to your situation better than I, here is the vid that I think you might be of help to you:

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