Guilt about wanting sex

[Lion1983]

I'm new to this forum, so Hi everyone!

I've decided to come here because I have a specific issue I don't feel I can talk to my partner about.

She is asexual, I am not. While she works hard to make compromises for me (foreplay, ect...) we have not had sex. This is obviously difficult for both of us but it is something we are working through together. I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression, we do talk about this and are very happy as a couple in every other aspect of our lives. We may have a complicated relationship in regards to the physical side of things, but I wouldn't want be with anyone else.

My problem is that I feel guilty for wanting more. I work hard to not harass her about sex, but I often find my libido, desire, lust (or whatever else you may call it) gets the better of me. I have read on here some people asking what it means to feel sexual attraction. For me it is like hunger, and while I can make it go away for a while myself, it comes back and builds up to extreme frustration.
When my partner does do things for me, I know she is not enjoying it, in fact I know she finds it an extremely difficult thing to do. She is doing it for me, not her. This makes me feel rotten at times, and the fact that I want more makes it all the worse. I know how hard she tries for me and I feel I should be able to stop my own desires getting the better of me as much. While I can talk with her about these things to a certain extent, this particular issue is different. When I tell her about these feelings of guilt it makes her feel as if it's her fault, which it isn't, and I do not want her thinking it is.

I know myself that the answer is finding the right balance, between what she is willing to do for me and how much I can keep my desires in check. But I still wanted to come on here to see if anyone else has ever felt the same way, or maybe if anyone who is asexual has experienced anything similar or had any thoughts about this.

[Lady Girl]

Hi and welcome to AVEN! I think that might be a fairly common problem...an asexual partner might feel guilty for not giving enough of what they know their partner might crave, and for myself (like you) I feel guilty for even wanting it. Communication can only go so far where this is concerned, sometimes there seem to be 'just getting through it' times. For some people there will never be enough sexual interaction and for their partner it will always seem like far too much. It definitely depends on the individuals involved. This thread in Asexual Relationships might help too. Working through these times of having strong feelings about the relationship seem to be part of compromising.

[LolaH]

I know exactly how you feel, Lion. I'm very sexual and my husband is asexual. He's such a great person, but there's this part of me I'm not allowed to be bc it makes him uncomfortable. I've got no advice to offer as we're currently still trying to find our 'happy place' with each other, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone... and there's no guilt in being a sexual person- needing and wanting- just like there's no guilt in being an asexual. It's just who we are. The rest is figuring out how to make everyone satisfied... and that, unfortunately, has been the hardest part for me.

[Down in Texas]

Like others on this site I too am a highly sexual female married to a Gray A by his own admission. There is not fix you just learn to deal(compromise) or you leave. I have been dealing for 40 years now. Others chose to leave. The choice has to be yours and yours alone, no one has a right to tell you which choice to take. You can find my story in lots of places on this site. However, I only found out about Asexuality a little over a year ago. Learn what you can and know you are not alone if we can be of any help feel free to ask, just know that you will get advise from all sides and only you will know what you can use and what you can not. You will have to filter the advise to fit your needs just don't let anyone make you fell bad for your choices. We sexuals can not change who we are any more than the asexuals can change who they are. We must just learn how to compromise if we chose to live in a mixed relationship. However, if you can not no one has a right to judge that either.

Best of Luck to both of you as you try to navigate your way through your personal maze and find your own happiness.