Renly Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I'm not sure I want to come out to my parents. I don't know why I'm so scared to even tell them. My best friend knows and is completely accepting. My mom thought I was a lesbian a few years back and was supportive then (even though I told her I wasn't, and am not) they are very open minded and non judgemental people... But I just don't feel comfortable with them knowing. For some reason I feel like they won't accept asexuality as a real sexual orientation, because it's not very well known at all, and because I feel like they would think something is wrong with me. On the other hand, I hate holding it up inside me. It's like a big stupid secret that I hate keeping inside because I feel like I'm not being myself if I don't let people know it's a part of me. But there's no way in hell I could tell them... If you did. How did you come out to your parents/friends/families? Link to post Share on other sites
katnya Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I've told my mom about my asexuality, but she's oblivious about it. When I tell her, she usually just says, "oh okay" and sometime after, in a conversation she'll randomly say, "just wait till you have kids..." etc. And it's like she's never actually listening when I tell her about it. I've told friends and my very best friend is completely accepting and understanding and I love him for that. Some other friends, and my ex, didn't give me good responses. They just said I'm scared, just saying it because I haven't had it yet, and so on. Tell your parents whenever you're ready. There will be a day when you are. You don't have to rush it at all. Don't stress about it too much. You'll know when you're ready and it'll make you feel much better knowing that you are. Best of luck :) Link to post Share on other sites
Ravako Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Didn't and won't ever come out to my parents. It's none of their business anyway. When you don't live with your parents this sort of thing kind of falls into the piles of "stuff I don't care for my parents to know about me." Link to post Share on other sites
Renly Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 Didn't and won't ever come out to my parents. It's none of their business anyway. When you don't live with your parents this sort of thing kind of falls into the piles of "stuff I don't care for my parents to know about me." Yes, I'm very close to moving out and will be doing so this summer. I think I could just wait until I'm ready, if I'm ever ready. If not, well you're absolutely right. It's none of their business. They already know I plan on adopting children when I get ready to settle down, and that I don't want to have kids by my own body. Link to post Share on other sites
Robotic Emu Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I don't think it matters to be honest. I tell a lot of my friends at college (who are all queer, mostly my brothers in the queer frat) to raise visibility or when they ask how I identify. I just explain it a bit...queer folks seem to get it and are like "whatever" or "I'm kind of like that" (I'm pretty sure that guy is grey-a) or ask questions at times. Sometimes I wonder if I will regret coming out as ace, since I just experienced sexual attraction for the first time...I'm grey-a. It's not their business...but I might say I am if they ask or share that they think you're a lesbian. It's also convenient if they worry about you getting pregnant...I have a feeling that mine will worry about pregnancy if I start dating a guy before Testosterone kicks in for me. My parents thought asexuality was a medical thing caused by hormonal issues when I came out...and I was almost put on birth control because of it. They were relieved overall The brief verson: Explanations/bluntness make coming out easier...If anybody says anything that prompts the urge to come out, just do it! your folks will probably be relieve Link to post Share on other sites
I Shot the Serif Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Haven't discussed it with my dad. My mother knows because my sister told her. Strangely though, I don't think my mother believed it. This surprises me because a) Mothers know a lot and b) she is the sort who would be accepting of different sexualities. I almost want her to bring it up, now that I have a boyfriend and all. I think I could convince her. Link to post Share on other sites
I Shot the Serif Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 (I suppose the reason people don't want to come out as asexual is that it's a weird and unknown thing. Same reason I never liked telling people about how I didn't eat anything with artificial colors and flavors, seemed awkward. Not a thing that people do.) Link to post Share on other sites
Mezzo Forte Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I haven't informed either parent about my sexuality. I don't try to actively hide my sexuality either. I'm pretty sure they can tell that I'm not really interested in romance or sex, or at the very least, that I care about percussion and my future career much more than dating at the moment. They've never pressured me to date or anything, and my parents were always kind of uncomfortable talking about sex for some reason, even though they're super open minded and supportive of gay marriage and whatnot. I know for a fact that they would support me no matter what, and I think they would take me seriously if I told them why I consider myself asexual, but I just have nothing to gain from that conversation. If they ever downright asked, I would never lie, but coming out would just be a hassle that would not really do anything. That's partially why I don't come out to most people. People don't tend to prod me about sex and romance, and even then saying that I'm not really interested is easier than explaining the concepts of asexuality, romantic orientations, and aromanticism to someone. I don't feel like I'm in the closet either, since I'm not exactly trying to hide anything. I'm just not using the label unless I know that using it won't create unnecessary confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetDreamsMyLove Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I told my mom about 3 years ago after a doctors appointment where her and my doctor discussed how I haven't started dating. I just told my dad last week after he tried having a "one day you will want to go farther with a guy" talk. My mom appears more accepting, but both say its just a phase, that I will grow out of this either with time or with the right person. Kind of hurts me knowing my family still won't fully accept me and my orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
N7_Paladin Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Told my old man and my older sister a few weeks back don't really know what my old man made of my revelation and still don't as I haven't confronted him since about it, my aszumption though is that he'll probably just say i'm repressed or haven't found 'the one' yet, my sister seemed to be more accepting of my orientation that said though I have always had a close relationship with my sister but she also said she thinks i'm being too rash and should think this through...well i've thought it through, what woman would want to go out with a 23 year old guy who has never even been in a relationship? Let alone kissed a girl?! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I left them a letter right before I left on holiday, back in August 2011. It was a brief explanation of asexuality and included the fact that I was asexual. When I came back from the holiday, discussion was of course in order. They didn't really understand and tried to "fix me" through a psychologist, but eventually understood that I was fine being ace and stopped nagging me about it. I'm pretty sure they still don't believe it's a valid orientation and they're probably convinced I'll change my mind someday... but yeah, at least I know they know, and besides, my mother was patient enough to hear about AVEN, the fact that I administrate the Italian part of it, and that I've met people through the site. She was surprisingly glad and said something along the lines of, "Cool! I'm happy you get to meet other people like you, I hope it'll help you find an asexual partner someday" :lol: A typically mother-y reaction, I know! Link to post Share on other sites
I Shot the Serif Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 Today my mother told me that she thinks either I'm just immature or "haven't found the right one," and that true asexuality is extremely rare. I'm skeptical. And I really don't think it can be the "just haven't found the right one" explanation, because from what I hear, sexuals are attracted to lots of people, if only the tiniest bit. And I would have noticed. Link to post Share on other sites
katnya Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 Today my mother told me that she thinks either I'm just immature or "haven't found the right one," and that true asexuality is extremely rare. I'm skeptical. And I really don't think it can be the "just haven't found the right one" explanation, because from what I hear, sexuals are attracted to lots of people, if only the tiniest bit. And I would have noticed. It's a typical response for someone that doesn't understand asexuality. Don't listen to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Wyrmcraft Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 I doubt my parents would understand, my dad would say I know just enough psychology to screw myself up or just laugh and say something like "good women are trouble anyway" and my mom would try to explain to me in the nicest way possible that I just haven't met the right person. Which is true to an extent, as I haven't met the right person. However, my feelings for whoever that wonderful girl turns out to be would be romantic. I want to make her happy without crossing my own lines. Link to post Share on other sites
banana monkey Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 What woman would want to go out with a 23 year old guy who has never even been in a relationship? Let alone kissed a girl?! Sounds pretty good to me! :) Ive never been in a relationship (or kissed a guy either) and for some reason, I think it would be nicer to have a relationship with someone who's first SO was me as well as them being my first relationship. I dont know why though. Im sure there are plenty of others here to whom it makes no difference particularly if you know you happen not to like kissing much. (I dont know if i do as i have never had the experience but would imagine i wouldnt.) Link to post Share on other sites
you*hear*but*do*you*listen Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 I made a video on my personal feelings/advice about coming out to parents. Particularly dealing with them possibly being are butts about it after you come out. http://blip.tv/homoromanticace/when-your-parents-say-that-doesn-t-exist-6326215 Link to post Share on other sites
Safire Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 I wouldn't suggest this, but I literally just popped it out at the dinner table one night because I was mad at her. She was going on and on about how I should get a boyfriend, I should enjoy my teenage years, blah blah blah. So I just blurted out "I'm asexual. I'm not attracted to guys, I'm not attracted to girls, I'll probably never have sex, and newsflash, I'm not popping out a kid just to keep you happy either." (grandkids are very important to her--she told me she'd be okay with me being a lesbian, as long she got grandkids. It's okay, though, my bro knocked a girl up. Everybody wins!!) Link to post Share on other sites
nothereanymore Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 I've sort of dropped the hint a bit by telling them that I'm not interested in a sexual relationship, but I don't feel the need to sit them down and tell them outright. They don't need to know about my sex life (or lack of). Link to post Share on other sites
JO-EY Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 My mother just said, "Ohh, that'll change. One day." And that was it. *shrugs* I guess it wasn't that huge a deal to me to begin with, but I do wish she could have at least thought about it a bit, but... my mother is rather conservative and believes sex is a natural part of society and human nature. Link to post Share on other sites
Jini.Mango Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Hi there, I recently told my step mom - she seems to be understanding of it, but I don't think she fully gets what asexuality is. But she was not judgemental. I haven't told my dad..I actually asked my step mom to tell him for me. See, my parents are now talking to me about marriage and how I should settle down in a couple of years.. but I am VERY reluctant because I feel that it is hard to find someone who is also an asexual.. so this has pushed me to tell my step mom. Link to post Share on other sites
Taylor024 Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 Since I do not live with them, my orientation (?) does not have an acute effect on their lives. It is something I would only tell people very close to me today.I do think I can sympathize with someone with their parent in much closer proximity. I think it would be the way I have felt with peers, were me being asexual being was a big thing to hide. I know that can be very tiring. Hopefully anyone in this situation has a receptive audience. Link to post Share on other sites
JDP Posted August 7, 2013 Share Posted August 7, 2013 I think parents prefer their children to be gay rather than asexual. The latter is just too much for most of my generation. I agree with the others who say the sexual orientation of children is no business of parents. And I'm a parent. Link to post Share on other sites
skymessenger Posted August 8, 2013 Share Posted August 8, 2013 I came out to mom after staying quiet for so long. She's open about other sexualities and though she didn't know what asexuality is, mom would be ok if I was that (and it certainly explained some things). It hurt a bit at the end that she thinks it's just a phase but she isn't against this and I am satisfied with that. As for dad, didn't talk to him about it. If I did, it'd be over phone. While he's on a business trip several states away. And I won't see him for a long time after it due to those meetings & life. No idea how dad feels about asexuality though I'm not sure if a religious guy like him would be supportive. Still, I do have an argument. I'm catholic. And asexuality means no sex. So in a way, I am (sort of) like a catholic nun. Link to post Share on other sites
panladea Posted August 17, 2013 Share Posted August 17, 2013 i know my parents would be fully accepting, once they'd learnt what it is and googled it a bit and understood what im saying to them. but i think the real issue, with any sexual orientation, is that parents (or elders) always seem to pass it off as a phase (especially if you're anywhere near being a teenager - say age 21 and lower?) i was reading a post on tumblr about someone being scared to come out as a lesbian even though she had gay relatives and her family were fine with it, and then i realised - its because we (as the lgbtqa+ community) get constantly patronised, until we marry someone of the same sex (or whatever), and then everyones like "ohhh okay... maybe its not just a phase!" and yes its really fucking annoying!! (pardon my french.) but i think i would be more likely to come out when my mam hints that ive had sex with my future partner (which she did to my older sister just the other week) and i'd have to be like "...no we dont have sex" and if she kept pushing, i'd explain. but i dont really think its a big deal for parents to know, as they arent your partner or your friend and have no business knowing about your sex-life... Link to post Share on other sites
slant Posted August 17, 2013 Share Posted August 17, 2013 When I was 15/16, I used to go around telling everyone I was asexual. Due to this, for a long time my life was a battlefield. It gets exhausting defending your right to your own sexuality. Society thinks they have the right to tell you if you can be gay, straight, bi, asexual, etc. and so most people feel like they need to defend society's norms in order to be considered "good" or "adequate" under the societal law. Most people don't even realize they are doing it nor do they realize they are hurting other people by trying to define other people's sexualities. I don't think that my parents believed me. Sometimes they would hint at me being a lesbian and other times my mother and sister would try to include me when they were critiquing men. At about 17 I gave up on establishing or explaining my sexuality to my family and friends. Most people think I am bisexual. I'm not sure if it's a cop out to do this or not. In the end I think it's what you are comfortable with. I was not comfortable with exposing my sexuality because people thought they had the right to ask intimate personal questions- if I masturbate, if I watch porn, if I've ever had sex- and then make up justifications for why my sexuality wasn't valid given my responses to their questions. I just got sick of it, and now that I am not insistent about my sexuality, no one feels like they have the right to question me. Link to post Share on other sites
Plus Posted August 17, 2013 Share Posted August 17, 2013 I wouldn't suggest this, but I literally just popped it out at the dinner table one night because I was mad at her. She was going on and on about how I should get a boyfriend, I should enjoy my teenage years, blah blah blah. So I just blurted out "I'm asexual. I'm not attracted to guys, I'm not attracted to girls, I'll probably never have sex, and newsflash, I'm not popping out a kid just to keep you happy either." (grandkids are very important to her--she told me she'd be okay with me being a lesbian, as long she got grandkids. It's okay, though, my bro knocked a girl up. Everybody wins!!) You are just a boss. I would pay so much money for a picture of her face directly after you screamed in her face like that. Sorry for your brother, but everybody wins! Link to post Share on other sites
born_in_darkness Posted August 17, 2013 Share Posted August 17, 2013 I haven't said anything yet. My sister once hinted that my cousin might be asexual and my mom keeps saying he'll find a girl and such. My dad is CRAZY against lgbta+ yet he doesn't exactly want me having sex. He'd probably hear that I'm not the average heterosexual gal and freak out. I figure ill just keep nodding my head when my mom talks about her future grandkids. Link to post Share on other sites
Haruhi Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 Yes, I'm very close to moving out and will be doing so this summer. I think I could just wait until I'm ready, if I'm ever ready. If not, well you're absolutely right. It's none of their business. They already know I plan on adopting children when I get ready to settle down, and that I don't want to have kids by my own body. Ah I'm in the same boat as you, my parents know I want to adopt, etc. If you still want to tell them, do what I'm going to do and say "There's another reason I'm going to adopt" and tell them about it. Link to post Share on other sites
simplymaya Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 yeah i don't k now if this will help or not but I don't really plan on telling my parents (really anyone unless they get me upset) about my orientation. I just want to keep it to myself just like I don't screaming around that I have never been on a date/first kiss/had sex blah blah (well I guess I am doing that now...) but I have dropped hints around to lots of people especially like that I don't want to be with anyone, that I rather be by myself. I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids (or if I do purely adoption/foster). i have told people that I won't date in college, that I have no interest in dating. So I think people get the general gist of what I am saying without announcing asexuality. However, I do feel it is important to come out because we are so unknown that coming out will help with our visibility, unfortunately I just don't want to have to deal with questions/concerns/comments about me and my lack of sexuality. I just rather keep everyone guessing haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Anime Pancake Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 Renly, I think I can totallyyy relate to how you feel.Yesterday I told all my friends via social network that I'm asexual... but I still haven't told my parents.Thankfully alot of my close friends were really positive in their responses. (I'm not sure what other people thought, that probably read what I said but didn't reply)I really want to tell my mom about it... because I respect her and can relate to her alot in some aspects, but it's just so uncomfortable talking about something like that, that I can't really imagine bringing it up Link to post Share on other sites
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