Stopping the Blame Game

[Rain dancer81]

8 hours ago, Sally said:

That's not going to happen.  Sexuals who are involved with asexuals will always have a place here.  

Agreed. It’s the people with no link to asexuality at all (neither a partner or asexual) whose input I find really off putting.

[Ceebs]

10 minutes ago, Juniper Lily said:

Agreed. It’s the people with no link to asexuality at all (neither a partner or asexual) whose input I find really off putting.

I can't actually think of any non-ace members who've never had a connection to asexuality who are on here tbh. Maybe there's someone, but I can't think of who. There are definitely a decent number of currently active members who once identified as asexual or wondered if they might be and that's how they found their way here, but now they know they're not. Not gonna single anyone else out because sometimes people don't want attention or to be tagged, but I'm in that category myself. There isn't a rule that you have to leave if you discover you're not ace, and people who've previously questioned themselves can sometimes provide some insight for others who are currently uncertain of their sexuality. And then there are people who were partners of asexuals or suspected asexuals but have since split up, but they found some aspect of the community that they liked so they stuck around. I can't actually think of anyone who's active too much now, but there was a member over a decade ago whose ex-boyfriend was asexual (I think she joined after they broke up, actually; perhaps she was looking to understand things that had happened in the relationship after the fact) and she was a very regular poster who seemed to make a lot of friends here. My current partner was in that category for a while after he split from his ex-wife, although he's not around anymore. There are a few people who've been vague about their stories, but seem to have hinted at a past relationship. And I'm also in the category of people with asexual exes, as my ex-husband is ace. Sometimes I see people join even though they're not a partner of an ace, but maybe a friend or a parent or a sibling instead and they're looking to understand better. Then there are academic researchers, people doing sexuality studies at universities and the like.

 

But I don't think I actually see many people at all who just join for the hell of it with literally no connection to asexuality at any point in their life. There's generally no reason to. The ones who do that seem to be trolls looking to cause problems and they're not that common and generally get banned quickly.

[Rain dancer81]

@Ceebs not referring to you FYI ❤️🙂. There was a gay man on here, who claimed to *know* someone loosely who *might* have been asexual… it  about 6 months ago who was like a fly buzzing in my ear saying all sorts of nasty things. I forget his name, he appears to have left because there is no one on this site currently who is blatantly rude to people like he was. Perhaps you know who I mean, maybe not. He’s the singular reason I stopped posting. He even took to messaging me and harassing me 

[Ceebs]

@Juniper Lily Ahhh yes I do recall now. Gotcha. 😬

 

I believe that... membership... ended in a ban.

[Speeedy01]

Yes, I see a lot of blaming in the asexual and sexual worlds. Everyone is entitled to have their wants/needs/desires or lack thereof met. Neither is wrong. It just means that you need to find someone who suits those needs you have or don't have. I'm not a very sexual person and I wouldn't be having sex for fun.. it's not my thing. But it is something that i'd occasionally want to do with a partner, just so I could feel as physically close to them as possible. It makes it difficult for me, because i'm not sex driven and I want to have that closeness for an entirely different reason. 

[misk.]

@NotRocket I don't know how to share posts very well this is the first thing that came to mind

[NotRocket]

20 minutes ago, misk. said:

@NotRocket I don't know how to share posts very well this is the first thing that came to mind

hi what exactly are you trying to share. the whole topic-?

[misk.]

Just now, NotRocket said:

hi what exactly are you trying to share. the whole topic-?

Yes, my love. I thought it could be useful. I've been finding many topics I'd like to share, though I'm sure you've seen them. 

[NotRocket]

Just now, misk. said:

Yes, my love. I thought it could be useful. I've been finding many topics I'd like to share, though I'm sure you've seen them. 

hh alright thats fair. thanks hh ♥♥

[misk.]

Just now, NotRocket said:

hh alright thats fair. thanks hh ♥♥

Of course! Not that I think we're doing any blaming, don't misunderstand. Have it anyways! ♥♥

[NotRocket]

Just now, misk. said:

Of course! Not that I think we're doing any blaming, don't misunderstand. Have it anyways! ♥♥

hh got it. ill read through it, cheers ♥♥

[misk.]

Just now, NotRocket said:

hh got it. ill read through it, cheers ♥♥

Cheers! Heehee ♥♥

[Jonny1548]

On 4/25/2013 at 2:44 PM, Lydian said:

So recently, I've come across a number of posts, old and new, that really bothered me. Some were from fellow asexuals and others from sexuals. Often times these posts have already been responded to, but I felt I really wanted to make a thread addressing it. I'll warn you I tend to ramble on and this might be long. I may return and revise it later.

 

So what is the 'Blame Game'? Basically, it's when you blame someone for following their sexuality. I think it's really easy to do, especially if you don't have a good understanding of how the other side feels, or why they feel the way they do. I would like to point out that not everything I am going to say is going to apply to every sexual or asexual, it's merely an example of a situation that can often arise.

 

Often for someone who is asexual, it can be difficult to understand why sex is something necessary in a relationship, especially since we could easily go without. I've encountered it several times where I've heard people blaming the sexuals for their need for sex, shaming it, treating it as though the only thing sexuals want from a relationship is sex. It's seen as unfair that they should expect sex when their partner doesn't. For many people who are sexual however, a lack of sex can cause feelings of frustration and resentment for being denied. While there may be some who really are ok with becoming celibate, forcing someone into celibacy is likely to leave them downright miserable.

 

For many it is more than just a physical urge, but also a desire for closeness with their partner. Relationships are about making each other happy and if you're unhappy with a lack of sex, you should have every right to say so, to ask for a change and to not be blamed for your feelings. There is NOTHING wrong with expecting sex in a relationship, and you should never feel like you are at fault for feeling this way. You have a right to be happy in your relationship. Keep in mind this does not mean you are entitled to sex from your partner. It just means that you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting or asking for it within reason.

 

On the flip-side, for someone who is sexual, it seems like it can be difficult to understand why someone would refuse sex. Even upon coming to the understanding of someone not wanting it, to refuse to give it can, and often is, seen as being selfish. The feelings mentioned before are likely to surface and it's difficult to understand, despite how you feel, why your partner still refuses sex. Outside a relationship, asexuals may be considered to be 'prudes' for expressing that they never want to have sex. If sex is so important to sexuals, is it fair to deny them?

 

For many people who choose not to have sex, pushing themselves to have sex can lead to feeling frustrated with having to do so, resentful towards their partner for making them and just downright miserable. This sounds strangely familiar, doesn't it? If having sex, or having too much sex, is going to make someone unhappy they have every right to say no. Many asexuals will be willing to compromise and can be happy despite it, but it has to be their choice. Just because the feelings of the sexual are seen as the 'norm', doesn't mean they over rule the asexual's feelings. They are not wrong to feel this way and should not be blamed or shamed for it. It doesn't mean they don't care about your feelings, but they have the right to be happy in a relationship too.

 

When you love someone, you want them to be happy. It's up to both people in a relationship to understand their partner's feelings, and work together to find something that can work without making anyone miserable. Neither person is wrong to assert their desires. It's up to you to decide how far you're able to compromise with your partner before making yourself or your partner unhappy. Asserting your own happiness of course, is not the same as refusing to work with your partner at all. If you really love them and want to make things work, compromises will need to be made. Frustration may happen and things might not be easy, just don't ever blame your partner for the way they feel. Always be honest with your partner about how certain things make you feel, they can't read your mind, but also try to be wary of when your partner seems like they might be pushing themselves to try to please you.

 

Edit: I'd like to add one small thing as well, in case it was misunderstood. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to make it work. Sometimes it wont and that's nobody's fault and it doesn't meant one person or both just 'didn't try hard enough'. Sometimes people just wont be compatible (which can be caused by a lot of things not just sex) and that's ok. You're never under pressure to stay in a relationship that does more harm than good for you and it doesn't mean you just 'didn't love your partner enough' or that they just didn't love you enough if they can't make things work either. It's ok to try and fail and learn and grow from the experience.'

 

Edit 2: Some advice from an older, wiser but still growing Me. Don't feel like you HAVE to 'compromise' in any way that makes you less than happy. Someone dear to me told me "I don't want you to be Fine. I want you to be Happy." I have been trying to take these words to heart. A compromise you're not thrilled about but are 'willing to deal with' isn't good for you and eventually it's going to come out. Also when I say it's ok for sexual people to "ask for sex" that doesn't mean when you ALREADY KNOW your partner is not ok with it. If you absolutely need sex in a relationship, then this relationship is not for you.

 

tl;dr

Sexuals have the right to ask for sex, and asexuals have the right to refuse and neither should be blamed.  (Edit: Not if you already know your partner is not ok with sex at all. Communication is ongoing, but please don't ask someone for something you know they're not ok giving. If your needs aren't being met, it may be time to move on. It's not anyone's fault.) One orientation does not 'overrule' the other. Everyone has the right to be happy and if you love someone, you'll be willing to work to find something that keeps you BOTH happy while understanding that your partner's feelings are just as valid as your own.

---

If something is unclear, or you think I should change/add something, let me know. If you can come up with a better way to word something GO FOR IT, I'm not that good at this whole putting together of the words thing. I'll possibly revise this as I said to make it shorter and more concise....I tend to ramble first time through.

I think your wording was perfect. I spent my life trying to be who I thought I haded to be and it did major damage. If more ppl looked at relationshis this way, and if I was honest with myself a long time ago I would be better off now. But forcing myself to "act" sexual Beacus as a man I thought that's how I was sapos2 be I am now at a point ware I can bearly stand physical contact with another person.

 

Honesty and communication are very important. Forcing yourself or someone else to do something can lead to major pain and resentment down the line. Even if it comes from a posativ place you need to be open with who you are. If you don't tell someone you are asexual how can you blam them for not respecting boundaries they don't no you have.

[Jonny1548]

I am very new just found this place about 3 days ago. I am thinful to have a place to help me navigate life as am now that I am done pretending to be someone I am not.

[Mel0001]

On 4/25/2013 at 5:10 PM, MXC said:

I think that sex can be very important on an intimacy level for sexual people, and the reason why they can get resentful is not because they only care about sex but probably because is like negate them the level of intimacy their "emotional relationship" needs to feel close to the other person. in a way is like keeping them on a distance.

on the other side putting pressure in an asexual partner can kill the joy or desire they may get from sex when they decide to go for it. if you know your partner will respect your choice on the moment you'll feel more relaxed, while if you feel every attempt to intimacy like a "war" you have to fight, always been on a defensive mode it will only make intimacy uncomfortable.

finding the right balance is really hard and probably love is not enough. giving someone else the blame never helped in any kind of relationship, it is always 50/50, and sometimes no one is to blame but life.

hope it makes sense

Thank you for this! I've been very confused about my sexuality since I was young. I knew I was bi but I'm now learning I maybe grayasexual. My husband and I recently had a hard talk just about this, the "blame game." I was hating the feeling sex being expected of me and he hated always having to ask. And it was a tough convo that really had me questioning, why didn't I want to have sex. Was it trauma? Low libido? What is it? Still trying to figure out.. but understanding both his and my feelings help us to understand that we still deeply love and respect each other. It's just our sex drives are on different levels right now 

[Self-Titled]

Thanks you for posting. This struggle never ends for me, and I needed to hear this!

[Sandraw]

This is my first time posting and I did not mean to post in this thread

Edited June 30, 2025 by Sandraw
First time

[frexploring]

On 4/26/2013 at 11:27 AM, Mapleleaf said:

Good post. ^_^ I agree with what you've said. And really, relationships are about compromise. If you're in a mixed relationship and find that you can't compromise if your partner does/doesn't want sex at a certain time, then that relationship probably isn't for you. I know that for me, I am going to have to compromise to have sex on a somewhat regular basis, because my husband is sexual and will need that. Do I have some resentment over that? Yeah, a little, because I don't want sex. But my love for him and desire for his happiness trumps that little bit of resentment. From what I understand, sexuals often need the physical release that sex brings (at least, men - and some women, but it's rarer among women, I think, or at least, not as strong of a drive). I know that if we never had sex again, my husband would be very unhappy in our relationship and would struggle with showing me love in the ways that I like having love shown to me, because his needs are not being met and... yeah. It could be a vicious cycle.

TL;DR ~ good post, and I agree with what you have to say. We need to look at the issue of sex from both perspectives, and accept each perspective as a truth for that particular orientation (or at least, truth for the majority of that orientation, since not all sexuals need sex and not all asexuals dislike sex).

I wonder how do you deal with the feelings from having sex when you don't want to though?

Even if i love someone, if i am not enjoying having sex with them, i can't force myself. My body would hate me for it and i migh fall into depression.

Maybe if at least the partner tries to make sex as enjoyable as possible for me and i don't feel pressure from them (which i actually have never experienced from being in a relationship with sexual men) then that could be ok.

For me, when my partner would come, i would feel very used and angry. 

We broke up today actually. 

He just could not understand why i didn't want sex

 To be fair, he was also quite pushy and not very skilled depsite being much older than me.

I don't really understand how his ex wife stayed with him for 20 years with that kind of sex. But then again, everyone is different. Maybe she was just happy with that.

 

I find it hard not to go into resentment and blame towards people needing sex in relationships. But i think it is probably because i feel sad that the options are so limited for people who are not that into sex or want a deep emotional connection but no sex.

 

I also don't get why sexual people would want to get sex from someone they know doesn't really enjoy it. It doesn't seem very loving or caring to me.

 

I just feel sad that I might have to give up on relationships because everyone puts so much pressure on sex.

Like sometimes i might be ok with having it if it is a very connecting, mindful experience and if I don't feel pressured to do it.

But so far, i haven't really been able to come across this.

It is already so hard to find someone i am interested in. Adding the sex or no sex part makes everything harder.

 

I guess i find it hard to accept.

[luxuryspacecommunist]

I just recently got out of a very brief relationship with a guy who is hypersexual and had a really hard time with the amount of time that I would need to be comfortable having sex. It's really hard because being hypersexual and being asexual are both valid and it's hard for me to find partners anyway due to many other things. But I realized that what I really need and crave most is romance and affection but with no sexual expectations, which is something he just couldn't give me. 

 

But I am sad because once again I am alone, and I was alone for so long before this. 

[Kim Playing]

Great post, love it. Would be glad to pin it.

 

I want to tease out one thread of the conversation that has bubbled up here and there, in comments about allosexuals feeling entitled to sex, or that sex is necessary to feel close to your partner. But I don't think it has yet come out clearly and it's an important part of this conversation.

So I want to mention the range of beliefs and conditionings we and sexuals (allosexuals) have about intimacy. We have a tendency to call something a need when it may actually be an expectation set by society. Many allosexuals don't look much further than sex to fulfil their needs for intimacy. This is not healthy for anyone-- a relationship may start with strong sexual energy but it needs to start incorporating the many other ways human beings are attracted to each other, otherwise the relationship probably won't last.

I'm talking about aesthetics, emotional bonds, shared intimate activities, touching, boundary setting, even the act of communicating beautifully with each other and exploring each other's needs, wants and loves tenderly-- loving the "jizz" of a person, the adventure and gestalt of them as a whole, complex, multi-faceted being.

 

The Allo and Ace podcast does a pretty good job of deconstructing the "intimacy hierarchy" which puts sex at the pinnacle and finds it hard to imagine a relationship based on any other desire or bond. But the truth is that, over time, every relationship is based on many things and sex is only one of them. As we age, it's not even the most important for many allosexuals. We aces are here saying that sex is optional, or rare, or off the table entirely. And to think and feel this is to live outside the box and sometimes to free both ourselves and allosexuals from the sometimes tyrannical focus on sex in the mainstream culture.

Sex is like a starter, the tinder box for a deep relationship with another person (or people, if you're poly.) It isn't only a starter-- it can be a pair-bonding experience for much or all of an allosexual person's life.

 

You can see sex as a need for allosexuals. But that is a huge leap over the expectations we're all marinaded in, the conditioning that makes us think entitlement to sex in a relationship is about a need when it is, at least in part, a prejudice, a failure to see clearly, deeply and widely into intimacy-- and not least, a tyranny.

Ace people already know that deep, intense relationships do not need to involve sex. We have that to teach allosexuals, and allosexuals who learn it will find their experience of relationship deepened, whether it's with an ace partner, or because an ace friend has helped them deepen and broaden their ideas of intimacy with their allosexual partner. Or partners if you're poly.

[DramaticAce]

I agree with the OG post. I think that it is so well balanced. 
I had a situation last night and I am looking for advice on how to explain my ace experience of it to my queer non-ace housemate. I suppose I’m also looking for some reassurance that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

 I set the boundary that I did not want to be in our flat when they have their partner over for physical intimacy. of course they can have them over, I just didn’t want to be there. Partially due to logistics (you can hear everything and anything no matter where you are in the flat) and because as an ace person, I find it far more than just being uncomfortable being there when these situations come up. 
I asked them to give me a heads up when they come over so I can organise plans. My friends were busy and so I decided to go for a walk. I wasn’t told that they were going out later, so I assumed it was a night in for them together but I couldn’t stay out all night. I was out for an hour and a half when I needed to get back. I am prediabetic and needed to eat something as my blood sugar started to drop. My phone was running out of charge and it was getting colder as it was the evening. I messaged and said I’m heading home when my housemate said they were going to “lie down” and I can come back but they didn’t want me to be “uncomfortable” and they’re going out for dinner after. I said my situation. I said that it’s not okay for them to not tell me plans as I would have organised myself better and to not do this to me again. And was ignored until after they were done. 
I was so angry I started to cry and shake from my condition. I had to stay out for another 45 minutes as it was darkening, cold and without a phone charger. I walked to a pub and they had a phone charger I could use. I stabilised my blood sugar and ate out - knowing I had food at home I couldn’t access. And money is very tight for me. This was an expense I did not have budget for. I am also female and in London. Contextually, I never feel safe in darker hours, alone and with low phone battery because I’m a woman. 
my housemate said I never asked you to leave, and they felt I had been unfair to them by saying it was not okay what they did. I could have gone in to the flat, gotten food and a charger and gone out again if they waited like ten minutes. 

How do I explain that not only did they completely disregard my safety and wellbeing for sex in the moment. But that, as an aro-ace person, I’m continually reminded that I’m not as important as a sexual or romantic partner no matter how close or longstanding our friendship is? That our society literally throws it in my face that I’m “other” for not wanting sex or romantic relationships and others will always prioritise the sexual/romantic partner even (apparently) at the cost of my wellbeing? And just how much that hurts me, and the aloneness I feel from that. I feel like it’s a real ace problem of feeling broken or alone. And non-ace people don’t seem to be able to recognise just how often and how much this happens and affects us. Or am I the only aro/ace person who reacts like this? 
 

I just needed a time frame e.g be out between 5-8pm and I’d have been fine. I’m not asking for too much here am I? 
 

sorry for long post. I just need to talk to others like me. I have no in person ace friends who might understand. 

[LateToAce]

@DramaticAce I am so sorry you had that experience. The feeling of being disregarded and made to feel “less than” based on attraction and sexuality is certainly corrosive, and pops up all the time. It sounds like you made good decisions to take care of your needs in the moment, so good job! 
 

Regarding your roommate, some of how to approach it is what kind of relationship you have. If you two share your feelings with other, explaining how all of this impacted you (using “I” statements, of course) seems like something that might start a conversation about how to handle the future. If that is not a part of your relationship with this person, sharing with them that you just need a time frame that (hopefully) does not change would be a great way to handle it. Perhaps your roommate can hear you better if it is just put out there as “This is something I need that seems reasonable. Okay with you?” rather than hearing they did something wrong and getting all defensive. 
 

I have very rarely had the experience of having a roommate I talked to about feelings, so issues tended to get addressed pretty concretely with a request or negotiation for a specific solution. Personally, I think letting a roommate know you will be using the space for something you know they’d want to avoid is reasonable. If one roommate wants to have a game night with friends or a cocktail or dinner party, it’s just considerate to let the other know so they be out if they wish. 
 

You might run into some friction if this is a very frequent situation, or if your roommate feels too constrained with having a window for sex. Of course, you two will have to think about whether there are other solutions, or if this is a deal breaker and you need to go your separate ways. 
 

Again, good job in taking care of yourself and in navigating an allo world that just doesn’t get it.