Stopping the Blame Game

[Haematite]

On 4/25/2013 at 11:53 PM, RoL34 said:

I don't see how this is such a problem. If you need sex to make a relationship feel complete, then that is your perogative. If sex is something you can never deal with, then you shouldn't feel like you have to do it. A relationship only works if both people are happy, and if people would just be up front about that sort of thing, there wouldn't be so many bitter and broken relationships. It's like wanting kids vs not wanting kids. Even though child rearing is supposed to be a natural desire of humans, nobody blames a person for never wanting to have kids.

I think where a lot of bitterness from avenites comes from though is not partners who need sex to make their relationships work, but people who feel entitled to sex. This is a special kind of sleazebag who thinks their self-worth is tied to how many people they bang, and that anyone who doesn't want to sleep with them are either playing hard to get or have something wrong with them. And this message is shoved down our throats in the media every day. You should WANT to be sexy and bang a lot of chicks or make guys want you, and if you don't, well, you're weird. That kind of attitude is something I really can't forgive.

Unfortunately every partner I have ever had has felt entitled to sex, and has expressed that entitlement.  It is just seen as normal in the vast majority of relationships (pre-Aven discovery!), and to not be super-enthusiastic is the crime.  It is also seen to be the grandest compliment to be told 'you're so sexy' - it has always made me just feel like a piece of meat to be told that though, I hate it.

[Haematite]

On 5/21/2013 at 4:20 PM, KittenPuff said:

Lydian, thank you for this post. Everything you've said--and said so eloquently, gracefully, and humbly--is right on target. Well done!

I've seen a lot of shaming and blaming. There's plenty enough of that in the real world. We are all here looking for a safe place to talk about ourselves. We should also strive to provide a safe place for sexuals to learn how to understand us. After all, that's usually why they end up here.

I'm on my phone, so don't think I can post pictures, but lots and lots of cake to you for bringing this up!! And cake for Mysticus, too, for suggesting it be pinned.

Possibly the shaming and blaming for many comes from the initial stages of discovering asexuality and that they fit into that category.  Suddenly they feel validated, and the balance of emotions swings from feeling like a victim to a sexual's insistence on having sex and the resentment that has caused, to standing up and saying no and justifying that decision within themselves which can cause an outpouring of righteous anger against the sexual.  I would have thought that most asexuals after having some time to adjust feel that everyone is entitled to their own place on the asexual-sexual spectrum.  But many or perhaps most sexuals do not even know that the spectrum even exists.

[Haematite]

On 6/26/2013 at 5:52 AM, Anajna said:

Definitely all of that, both posts, but it has also to do, I think, with those type of males in truth often having insecurity issues, and a rejection rattles them badly.

My last partner constantely told me what a hunk he was, and how he could have any female, and he'd get extremely angry and verbally abusive towards me, as his deep inside insecurity could not handle that I didn't wish to have my hands between his legs 24/7. He'd force it there, I think in the expectation that just feeling 'how big he was' (something he also constantly demanded reassurance on), I'd pounce on him. The fact that I didn't, gave him real problems, and while he honestly believed that all this was part of 'love', in truth it was just about his ego, and him needing that reassurance to feel like 'a man'.

Totally, my ex was also outraged and insulted that I wasn't constantly 'fondling' him

[anisotrophic]

This is just a note to say, please remember that sexuals aren't all entitled and abusive. Nor are all mixed couples in an ace-female / sexual-male configuration.

 

Another common pattern is for sexuals to lose all interest in sex with their asexual partner when that partner comes out. To be eaten up with guilt regarding consent; they feel like they discovered they had been sexually abusive -- and the ace partner is in a position of trying to assure them this isn't true. Asexual partners may struggle because they may see a partner's sexuality really did come from a place of love, and the loss is a deep and painful one. Sexual partners struggle with shame about their desire being a source of stress, for making an asexual partner feel inadequate.

 

Neither group is the only home to villains. Bad behavior is a human quality that transcends orientation, and we are all entitled to protecting ourselves from people that don't treat us with respect and caring. But many times there is no simple "bad behavior" narrative, because life is complicated and hard: there are situations where both partners show deep caring and respect, where both may be struggling with shame and guilt for causing each other pain.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

This is just a note to say, please remember that sexuals aren't all entitled and abusive. Nor are all mixed couples in an ace-female / sexual-male configuration.

I don't think that this was ever said. 

It seems to work a little like the 'Not All Men' hashtag that was the response to the Me Too stories. When women tried to tell stories that had been hidden and suppressed for years, men constantly interrupted to say that not all men were like that. They struggled to understand that it wasn't about them. The conversation was for women to finally be able to speak out about their reality, but it felt skewed because men were used to having the narrative revolve around them, to owning the floor and taking up space.  They just weren't prepared to concede any of that space.

 

Edit: 'Nor are all mixed couples in an ace-female / sexual-male configuration' again, people were just talking about their own experiences, which just aren't the same as yours.

Personally, I suspect that most of the problems with entitlement etc happen in an ace-female/sexual-male configuration due to wider societal issues, so most of what people in these relationships say will not apply to you. 

 

And what is said on this site, and who is allowed to say it, does mirror what goes on in society as a whole. It's not particularly enlightening in that respect.

 

FURTHER EDIT: sorry, just don't want to keep making new posts. 

If at all interested in where I'm coming from, look up the concept of privilege. 

[Margazer]

On 6/26/2013 at 4:58 AM, daisylove said:

Ive already mentioned this a number of times in the very very brief time that I have been a member here, but as someone who has "compromised" by having sex because it was expected/wanted/requested,however you choose to phrase it, it was never a good or bonding experience.

When you see asexuals react, I think its important to note that many of us feel that it is and always will be US that are expected to compromise, otherwise we would basically be with another asexual.

This is what I dont get about asexuals that choose to have sex. You're basically rendering your asexuality moot. To me its almost like a gay person forcing themselves to be with the opposite sex because there arent many gays in their area/vicinity.

Sorry if that offends anyone. Its not intended to. 

To some asexuals the act isn't unpleasant or completely meaningless, there just isn't a drive for the asexual person to do it. Some people do get pleasurable physical sensations. Like, not many people have a 'drive' to receive footrubs or think about them but they're still nice? If they're not into receiving footrubs, maybe they would give one to a partner because the partner's enjoyment is pleasurable in some way? I think about it like that. As long as everyone is honest and no one's being coerced I don't see anything wrong with it. The act itself doesn't make the asexual person any less asexual than another person who doesn't enjoy engaging with sex at all. It's just a case of people being different with how they feel about it. 

[anisotrophic]

3 hours ago, Just, No said:

Personally, I suspect that most of the problems with entitlement etc happen in an ace-female/sexual-male configuration due to wider societal issues

I think you eventually came around to seeing one of my points here: bad behavior on the part of men may be more about learned behaviors and social constructs men learn and perform. Sexual pressure/entitlement is nasty, regardless of the sex/orientation of the people involved (and it's also a great way to kill sexual desire if someone *is* capable of it). And... I don't think you need to tell someone transitioning away from being female after four decades about privilege. 😉 

 

The apparent "not all men / not all sexuals" sentiment on my part reflects the purpose of this topic: recognizing that there's a lot of shame and guilt that is *not* attributed to anyone's bad behavior. I'm suggesting we return this to that point; there are other spaces in AVEN to reflect on abusive and toxic relationships.

 

My marriage is really happy now. It takes two and can't always work -- I'm not encouraging self-sacrifice, sometimes a partnership is bad; everybody deserves to be treated with respect and caring.

 

The single biggest piece of advice I can give any mixed couple is to say: Our sexual orientations are part of who we are. Everyone should feel loved by their partner for who they are, and that includes their sexual orientation.

[Guest]

54 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

 

 

there are other spaces in AVEN to reflect on abusive and toxic relationships.

 

 

No, there aren't. Anywhere this gets mentioned on AVEN it is instantly shut down by sexuals.  

 

I'm glad your marriage is happy and wish you all the best. 

[Guest]

55 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

I think you eventually came around to seeing one of my points here: bad behavior on the part of men may be more about learned behaviors and social constructs men learn and perform. Sexual pressure/entitlement is nasty, regardless of the sex/orientation of the people involved (and it's also a great way to kill sexual desire if someone *is* capable of it). And... I don't think you need to tell someone transitioning away from being female after four decades about privilege. 😉 

 

 

This is really patronising. You did not anywhere explain this point. You are refusing to allow anyone to speak about the effect of the behaviour of men, and you wish to return the conversation back to your experience. 

[anisotrophic]

@Just, No I've done my best to speak to the original topic of this particular post: stopping the blame game.

 

I'm sorry you saw me as patronizing or sticking to talking about my own relationship, but I've seen a lot of relationships go through here -- I've been around a while now. I certainly don't need to be told about "privilege". My spouse is not the only ace I know in real life. Most mixed relationships won't work, and most of the time failures aren't about orientation per se, but often about a failure of empathy for each other's orientation. If partners can't respect each other for their orientations -- be that sexual or asexual -- then they shouldn't be together.

 

It seems to me this thread was pinned to help people build the bridges, if they have a partner they believe in.

[Guest]

Just now, anisotrophic said:

@Just, No I've done my best to speak to the original topic of this particular post: stopping the blame game.

 

I'm sorry you saw me as patronizing or sticking to taking about my own relationship, but I've seen a lot of relationships go through here -- I've been around a while now. I certainly don't need to be told about "privilege". My spouse is not the only ace I know in real life. Most mixed relationships won't work, and most of the time failures aren't about orientation per se, but often about a failure of empathy for each other's orientation. If partners that can't respect each other for their orientations -- be that sexual or asexual -- then they shouldn't be together.

 

It seems to me this thread was pinned to help people build the bridges, if they have a partner they believe in.

The thread has been about people challenging the assumptions in the OP. You are treating the OP as if it is some kind of gospel or lesson that we all must learn, and if we challenge it we are going off topic. 

 

I still think that you were interrupting a conversation between two women discussing their own experiences, redirecting the conversation, and you did not need to do this. 

 

There may be particular attitudes that AVEN wishes everyone to fall in line with, I don't agree with them all and I don't see why I can't challenge them. I have asked for my account to be deleted and I am going to find more constructive ways to spend my time than to comment on here, but a part of me also thinks that it's important for others who come on here not just to see this monolithic, one-sided viewpoint. 

 

Just because you are not priveleged in some ways doesn't mean that you never have to 'check your privelege' in situations where you have more power, and I personally think you should do so in relation to being sexual on this site. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Just, No said:

Just because you are not priveleged in some ways doesn't mean that you never have to 'check your privelege' in situations where you have more power, and I personally think you should do so in relation to being sexual on this site. 

PS, I didn't mean this to sound so personal, I have never met you but I feel like if I did we would get on (well, I would probably like you anyway). You're just expressing views I hear a lot and don't agree with, and I can't just let it go because it's important to me. 

 

If I'd read some of these types of threads when I was in an abusive relationship I'd probably still be there, 'compromising' and needing large amounts of medication to get out of bed in the morning. 

[Guest]

On 8/4/2019 at 10:53 AM, Margazer said:

To some asexuals the act isn't unpleasant or completely meaningless, there just isn't a drive for the asexual person to do it. Some people do get pleasurable physical sensations. Like, not many people have a 'drive' to receive footrubs or think about them but they're still nice? If they're not into receiving footrubs, maybe they would give one to a partner because the partner's enjoyment is pleasurable in some way? I think about it like that. As long as everyone is honest and no one's being coerced I don't see anything wrong with it. The act itself doesn't make the asexual person any less asexual than another person who doesn't enjoy engaging with sex at all. It's just a case of people being different with how they feel about it. 

Been thinking about this one, and what springs to mind is this:

 

I worked for a while as a manager of a research ethics committee; so they would check a research study before it could go ahead, to make sure it was ethical and that the treatment of research participants would meet a certain standard. 

 

So, one of the biggest issues would be informed consent. Before agreeing to take part in the research, was the participant aware of what it would involve and did they give their consent freely - no coercion, intimidation etc - was the person taking consent in a position of power, ie did the participant think they wouldn't be prioritised for medical care with that doctor if they didn't join in with the doctor's research? There are all sorts of ways to avoid coercion and the Committee would talk about this for a while. I hope you get the idea. 

 

I can tell you that if the research involved a procedure with the foot (foot rub, even an injection into the foot) the scrutiny of the Committee in relation to the consent process would be a lot less than if the research involved more intimate parts of the body. Just food for thought...

[Pheedre]

On 4/25/2013 at 5:44 PM, Lydian said:

Sometimes it wont and that's nobody's fault and it doesn't meant one person or both just 'didn't try hard enough'.

I've been accused of for not caring or not trying hard enough...doesn't help that I've become sex repulsed so, not much room for compromise...

[cynjo]

The solution to this for me is to just not date a sexual. I have only been in relationships with sexuals and it was very hard for me. For them it can be just as hard to not have sex ever, but I don't want to make them do that. Also, even if I find a guy who doesn't mind celibacy for me, I would be afraid he would end up resenting it, so my new plan is to never be in a relationship with a sexual, because it can cause strain no matter what.

[Sky Mountain]

On 7/22/2013 at 1:27 PM, JDP said:

OK, I thought so.

I'd like to hear from sexual women if they feel the ego needs of men are greater than, less than or equal to, those of women.

As a man, I would think if a wife said to her husband, "I'm not attracted to you, but you can have sex with me any time you want," he would probably say "OK, I can live with that."

Somehow if the shoe is on the other foot, it's different.

JDP, I wish I had seen your post years ago! I'm a sexual woman married to an asexual. He has very little ability or desire for introspection and has not explored his sexuality. It makes him totally anxious to think he doesn't fit in to societies norms of manhood and has learned how to act as if he is sexual. He has not come to grips that he is asexual as that doesn't fit societies narrative. He knows all the buttons to push and is a great sexual and romantic partner early in the game of love. Then, after some time (in our case 2 months) he begins to pull back, frequency drops until nothing. I'm not the first nor may I be the last where this scenario plays out.

 

To your question about ego needs of sexual women being in a committed and loving relationship with an asexual man. For me personally, I would say in general it is equal if not greater assuming your definition of ego is the same as mine. "a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance." 

 

As a sexual woman or my self-esteem and self-importance to remain in tact, I feel a need to be desired sexually by my mate. To know that they find me attractive physically, emotionally, spiritually. At early stages of a relationship, the expression of physical desire is enough for me to get my "ego boost" to take things to the next level of truly connecting on an emotional and spiritual level. The sexual attraction and desire requirement for me has always been there. And it seems like a natural human animal behavior frankly. Thus why I have never been in love with a friend where this desire attraction is non existent. It is required to opening me up to coupling and eventually to commitment and monogamy. Without knowing that I am sexually desired by my mate, the emotional and spiritual connection is not enough. My "ego" is shattered. In my current 7 year relationship with now discovered asexual, I have compensated unconsciously by giving up an essential part of me that is sensual, flirtatious, confident and feminine, the very essence of what makes me attractive to begin with, even to my asexual partner. It isn't the sex that's important; it's the being desired if that makes sense. Sex is just the icing on the cake for me.  

I am no longer willing to do without this important piece of my personal being. I love that part of me that makes me feel alive and healthy. I love myself enough to get it back. I'm hoping that my asexual partner will grow to understand, take the journey with me out of the deep love we have for each other. The roadmap is now evolving for me as I gain better insight to his asexuality, my needs, his needs. One thing is clear. The status quo is not going to work for me. We are discussing and my intentions are clear. He must do the work and gain better insight into himself. He must overcome the anxiety he gets when he no longer fits into the preconceived notion/narrative of what is acceptable to society. Without this insight, I'm left to draw the map myself and it will be a solo journey. 

[Whore*of*Mensa]

4 hours ago, Sky Mountain said:

, the emotional and spiritual connection is not enough

that's what is very sad for an asexual. Speaking for myself here..I always hoped that what I am, the emotional and spiritual connection, would be enough, But it never has been. 

 

Try to imagine that for a moment, that you can never be enough. 

 

I'd say just leave, if you can't find a way to love each other exclusively. The other solutions I've seen on here just sound like slow torture for the asexual, and I really think it would be kinder to just end it. 

[alibali]

Yes I decided a while back that I would never be valued in a couple relationship so I will be on my own for the rest of my life.  I am valued by my friends for who I am, but naturally their partners take priority. I don't resent it, but it doesn't feel very nice. 

 

Still better than being married to someone who ended up treating me as less than a human being because I didn't want sex. It was like being in jail.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

So true. Not a great choice between 'less then human' and lonely - but better lonely, definitely. I do not want some kind of pity/charity relationship where I'm allowed to stick around while my partner finds fulfilment elsewhere. I'd rather die.

[Sky Mountain]

1 hour ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

that's what is very sad for an asexual. Speaking for myself here..I always hoped that what I am, the emotional and spiritual connection, would be enough, But it never has been. 

 

Try to imagine that for a moment, that you can never be enough. 

 

I'd say just leave, if you can't find a way to love each other exclusively. The other solutions I've seen on here just sound like slow torture for the asexual, and I really think it would be kinder to just end it. 

Yes, I CAN imagine that feeling of never being good enough as that's exactly how I feel at the moment. No matter how hard I try I may never be good enough to invoke desire from my husband. Being good enough and accepted is at the heart of basic fear all us humans have. It is not unique to any one's sexuality. You are fortunate you have an understanding of your asexuality and can seek out other asexual's who meet your needs. Perhaps even a sexual who does. Because you can give voice to those needs. My husband is not at your level of insight. 

 

Many of us in this asexual with a sexual partner situation entered, or are in, a relationship where one partner is not in touch with their sexuality. Thus they enter into a relationship without this knowledge and the schism occurs. It feels like "bait and switch" in my case but I know this is unfair given my husband did not intentionally get into our committed relationship with the knowledge of what makes him tick. 

 

While I respect your comment about leaving if not exclusive I will remain open to alternatives. Some have been successful in making polyamory, taking a lover, remaining celibate, or acting as if sexual work. I will remain tenacious and hopeful.

 

Thanks again to all participating in this enlightening and helpful forum!

[Whore*of*Mensa]

I’m resigned to being alone I think it’s very rare to find a partner who will accept a non sexual relationship.

 

It is probably easier to find a sexual partner as the majority are sexual. 

 

I understand its difficult to be with an asexual. From the other sub forum (the one for sexual partners etc - this is the asexual sub forum) I hear that many sexual people are happy in open relationships. We don’t tend to hear from the asexual in this situation so I couldn’t say if they are happy or not. Personally I know that I would not be but it is just that - my personal viewpoint.

 

Thankyou for respecting my views on this - it’s a moot point anyway as I’m not in a relationship and I’m not likely to be in future! 

[Sky Mountain]

48 minutes ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

I’m resigned to being alone I think it’s very rare to find a partner who will accept a non sexual relationship.

 

It is probably easier to find a sexual partner as the majority are sexual. 

 

I understand its difficult to be with an asexual. From the other sub forum (the one for sexual partners etc - this is the asexual sub forum) I hear that many sexual people are happy in open relationships. We don’t tend to hear from the asexual in this situation so I couldn’t say if they are happy or not. Personally I know that I would not be but it is just that - my personal viewpoint.

 

Thank you for respecting my views on this - it’s a moot point anyway as I’m not in a relationship and I’m not likely to be in future! 

I hope you don't give up hope if coupling is important to you. My husband (most likely asexual although hes not convinced he is) is not at the moment open to an open relationship. I respect his position. But our roadmap is still being drawn and destinations to be defined. Who knows where the road leads but I'm sure it will take us to beautiful places. It has always in the past!

[Whore*of*Mensa]

21 hours ago, Sky Mountain said:

I hope you don't give up hope if coupling is important to you. My husband (most likely asexual although hes not convinced he is) is not at the moment open to an open relationship. I respect his position. But our roadmap is still being drawn and destinations to be defined. Who knows where the road leads but I'm sure it will take us to beautiful places. It has always in the past!

Honestly, the more I read on here the less positive I feel about coupling. I see nothing but pain down that path, for me (and for any asexual who ends up in a relationship with a sexual). 

 

I've felt utter contempt from partners in the past, when I've not wanted to have sex, and when I read what people write on here it all comes into horribly clear focus for me. 

 

I wish you and your husband well, and I do hope that it works out for both of you, whatever you choose to do. 

[Sky Mountain]

20 hours ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

Honestly, the more I read on here the less positive I feel about coupling. I see nothing but pain down that path, for me (and for any asexual who ends up in a relationship with a sexual). 

 

I've felt utter contempt from partners in the past, when I've not wanted to have sex, and when I read what people write on here it all comes into horribly clear focus for me. 

 

I wish you and your husband well, and I do hope that it works out for both of you, whatever you choose to do.

Coupling isn't always an important need. I rather liked being alone, and not lonely, for 7 years before my husband and I met. I was not seeking a relationship and was focused on healing after the breakup from a 30 year dysfunctional marriage.

 

The more I read in this forum, research the topic of asexuality and discuss with my therapist, the more I understand that many asexuals are closeted or haven't identified as asexual.  And there are more asexuals self identifying daily the more it is discussed openly and not treated as some disorder.

 

This forum is particularly useful in bringing light to asexuality and as it becomes more openly discussed, socially acceptable and normative, more closeted asexuals will be outed into the "pool of fish". Those desiring a healthy coupling will find like kind partners much easier.

 

 

Edited November 25, 2019 by Sky Mountain
Typo

[Whore*of*Mensa]

@Sky Mountain thanks for taking the time to reply. 

 

I've been single for 5 years but now am getting close to my ex again; this is causing me some dilemmas as it turns out I do still have a lot of feelings for him, which I can't imagine having for anyone else. Hence why I am trying to work out what kind of possibilities there are, in the most rational way I can manage. 

 

I agree with you about increased visibility, it can only be a good thing; the less stigma the better. 

 

 

[alibali]

11 hours ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

@Sky Mountain thanks for taking the time to reply. 

 

I've been single for 5 years but now am getting close to my ex again; this is causing me some dilemmas as it turns out I do still have a lot of feelings for him, which I can't imagine having for anyone else. Hence why I am trying to work out what kind of possibilities there are, in the most rational way I can manage. 

 

I agree with you about increased visibility, it can only be a good thing; the less stigma the better. 

 

 

I have a good relationship with my ex, but that's partly because we have (adult) children and that keeps us communicating.   We still help each other out not just because whatever happens to us has an impact on our children but because we were together for over 20 years and care about each other. I don't want to be part of a couple with him though and nothing would ruin our shared concern for our children even another relarionship on his side.  I think he would always help me. I am currently helping him with vet expenses for his cat!

[Sally]

12 minutes ago, alibali said:

I have a good relationship with my ex, but that's partly because we have (adult) children and that keeps us communicating.   We still help each other out not just because whatever happens to us has an impact on our children but because we were together for over 20 years and care about each other. I don't want to be part of a couple with him though and nothing would ruin our shared concern for our children even another relarionship on his side.  I think he would always help me. I am currently helping him with vet expenses for his cat!

That is such a nice thing to hear!

[Whore*of*Mensa]

@alibali that sounds perfect. I do think that having children together can mean a very strong and lasting bond.

 

The problem I have with my ex is that he can’t be around me without trying to touch and hug me. He says he’s more attracted to me than he’s ever been to anyone else, which is so ironic and just my luck really. I guess I’m sensually attracted to him, I love how cuddly he is - just not the other stuff that goes with it. But I also have never felt so attracted to anyone.

 

For that reason I’ve avoided coming face to face with him for a long time. But would like to have contact/friendship, as would he. Though I suspect he might be toying with me a little bit right now.

[Whore*of*Mensa]

On 11/23/2019 at 7:35 PM, Sky Mountain said:

JDP, I wish I had seen your post years ago! I'm a sexual woman married to an asexual. He has very little ability or desire for introspection and has not explored his sexuality. It makes him totally anxious to think he doesn't fit in to societies norms of manhood and has learned how to act as if he is sexual. He has not come to grips that he is asexual as that doesn't fit societies narrative. He knows all the buttons to push and is a great sexual and romantic partner early in the game of love. Then, after some time (in our case 2 months) he begins to pull back, frequency drops until nothing. I'm not the first nor may I be the last where this scenario plays out.

 

To your question about ego needs of sexual women being in a committed and loving relationship with an asexual man. For me personally, I would say in general it is equal if not greater assuming your definition of ego is the same as mine. "a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance." 

 

As a sexual woman or my self-esteem and self-importance to remain in tact, I feel a need to be desired sexually by my mate. To know that they find me attractive physically, emotionally, spiritually. At early stages of a relationship, the expression of physical desire is enough for me to get my "ego boost" to take things to the next level of truly connecting on an emotional and spiritual level. The sexual attraction and desire requirement for me has always been there. And it seems like a natural human animal behavior frankly. Thus why I have never been in love with a friend where this desire attraction is non existent. It is required to opening me up to coupling and eventually to commitment and monogamy. Without knowing that I am sexually desired by my mate, the emotional and spiritual connection is not enough. My "ego" is shattered. In my current 7 year relationship with now discovered asexual, I have compensated unconsciously by giving up an essential part of me that is sensual, flirtatious, confident and feminine, the very essence of what makes me attractive to begin with, even to my asexual partner. It isn't the sex that's important; it's the being desired if that makes sense. Sex is just the icing on the cake for me.  

I am no longer willing to do without this important piece of my personal being. I love that part of me that makes me feel alive and healthy. I love myself enough to get it back. I'm hoping that my asexual partner will grow to understand, take the journey with me out of the deep love we have for each other. The roadmap is now evolving for me as I gain better insight to his asexuality, my needs, his needs. One thing is clear. The status quo is not going to work for me. We are discussing and my intentions are clear. He must do the work and gain better insight into himself. He must overcome the anxiety he gets when he no longer fits into the preconceived notion/narrative of what is acceptable to society. Without this insight, I'm left to draw the map myself and it will be a solo journey. 

I think you have to be true to yourself. The first step is to know what you need/want and to be clear - and then ask for it. It sounds simple but can take a lifetime to learn!

 

I think that the feelings are the same from either side of the conundrum.

 

i hope you work it out.

[Sky Mountain]

Amen! And exactly what I'm doing.