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Stopping the Blame Game


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On 6/26/2013 at 1:28 PM, daisylove said:

Ive already mentioned this a number of times in the very very brief time that I have been a member here, but as someone who has "compromised" by having sex because it was expected/wanted/requested,however you choose to phrase it, it was never a good or bonding experience.

When you see asexuals react, I think its important to note that many of us feel that it is and always will be US that are expected to compromise, otherwise we would basically be with another asexual.

This is what I dont get about asexuals that choose to have sex. You're basically rendering your asexuality moot. To me its almost like a gay person forcing themselves to be with the opposite sex because there arent many gays in their area/vicinity.

Sorry if that offends anyone. Its not intended to.

Look, I’ve been reading these posts to gain some insight into your world. I am married to an asexual man and we’ve been together over 20 years and if sex was all our relationship was comprised of it would’ve been over long ago, but as a sexual woman, sex is important to me. It’s part of my nature just as not wanting or needing sex is part of yours. 

I can see there are many different relationship dynamics on here, some asexuals are quite accommodating to their sexual partner and some sexual partners are fine with not having sex three times a week. I don’t believe the compromise is all yours however. As I said I can see there are many variables but for my relationship it was me who had to compromise the most. I would have to go months and months and months without having sex and he would only make the effort when I threatened to leave. I absolutely agree with you that no one, either sexual or asexual, should ever be pressured or forced to do anything they don’t feel comfortable with, and this certainly wasn’t how I wanted to get my husband to meet my needs.

you seem very protective of your sexuality, proud of it even, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing but I would say if that’s how you feel then don’t get involved with a sexual. It’s completely natural for a sexual person to expect sex in a loving relationship, why shouldn’t we?? That’s our nature. I didn’t know my husband was asexual for 17 years and neither did he.  it’s never talked about in society. Most people don’t even know what asexuality is let alone understand it. 

I find it interesting that you believe that for the asexual partner to give in on occasion and have sex with their partner is somehow a betrayal to the asexual community or ethos. I think it’s just part of being in a relationship of any kind, and if sexuals and asexuals are going to be together long term then it’s going to take giving in on both sides. 

Thanks for letting me say my piece, and I hope I didn’t offend anyone. I think there’s still a lot of misconception on both sides and I just hope that I’ve maybe shed a little light on how the other side feels. 

Its so important that we listen and respect instead of judge and blame.

peace to all

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I dont  feel less like an asexual because I had and even occasionally enjoyed sex.  I've never thought about sex other than when someone else has wanted it, and have tried to find something positive about it in the sea of my own indifference and later repulsion when it's been necessary.

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I'm an ace woman married to a sexual man, and I'm having a hard time not blaming myself for the tension in our marriage and the possibility that it won't last.

 

I didn't know what asexuality was until recently. Before we were married, I spent a lot of years trying to overcompensate for what I thought was my shortcoming. I wasn't feeling what I thought I was supposed to feel about sex, so I tried everything I could to make it right, and as a result, I've had a lot of sex with a lot of people. None of it went very well. By the time my husband and I were getting serious, he noticed that I didn't want sex as much as he did and that I was generally drunk when we did have it. This was me continuing to overcompensate by hiding how much I DIDN'T want sex and forcing myself to for his sake. We had a conversation about it, and I was as honest as I could be at the time. I didn't yet know what asexuality was and hadn't really come to terms with my own feelings and my discomfort with everything about sex and was continuing to push myself into making our relationship as "normal" as I could. I tried a lot of things (switching antidepressants to something that was supposed to amp up my libido [spoiler: it didn't work], introducing whatever kinks I could tolerate, reading erotica, masturbation, and the list goes on).

 

Four years of marriage, two kids, and a lot of frustration later, I stumbled upon you fine people and learned a LOT. I was so relieved that asexuality was a thing and that I wasn't just broken or malfunctioning. But it also gave me a sense of release, a feeling that I didn't have to push myself so far beyond my comfort zone just to please someone else's idea of what "normal" was. A lot of tearful conversations followed, and here we are today, in a sort of uncomfortable waiting period to see how this all shakes out.

 

We're having a lot less sex. He's frustrated and irritable because he sees sex as a demonstration of love, an act of intimacy, and he now feels like we're more distant. Physical intimacy is one of his main love languages, and that's always been a problem for me, but now that I feel like I can be a whole person without it, I feel like I can say no more often, though I do give what I can when I can. And I feel like I'm depriving him. But it's put a strain on our marriage. He gets moody and irritable. I feel ashamed that I can't be what he wants me to be.

 

I sort of want to separate. I want to live my life without the stress of sex hanging over us. I want to let him find someone who can meet his needs. But we still love each other very much beyond anything sexual. And we have small children, and honestly, it's just a lot easier to raise them as a team. Time will tell what comes of our marriage. But in the moment, in the day to day, as we figure this out, it's hard.

 

I feel like it's all my fault. And though he doesn't say it, I fear that he feels the same way. I'm working on it. All of it. But it's hard.

 

Tl;dr: Marriage is really hard, especially since I figured out my sexuality after we were already committed, and I'm working on not blaming myself for everything.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa
On 1/27/2019 at 12:57 PM, Ilovecake said:

Blaming someone is pointless. Blame only creates hatred, hatred leads to arguments, arguments lead to war. If there’s children involved, war is the last thing you should want. What’s important is that if and when you discover who you are, you are no longer able to be together, you work together regardless to find a solution. Even if that solution is separating.

A Jedi! Welcome!😊

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On 2/14/2019 at 10:55 AM, abbacadabra said:

I'm an ace woman married to a sexual man, and I'm having a hard time not blaming myself for the tension in our marriage and the possibility that it won't last.

 

I didn't know what asexuality was until recently. Before we were married, I spent a lot of years trying to overcompensate for what I thought was my shortcoming. I wasn't feeling what I thought I was supposed to feel about sex, so I tried everything I could to make it right, and as a result, I've had a lot of sex with a lot of people. None of it went very well. By the time my husband and I were getting serious, he noticed that I didn't want sex as much as he did and that I was generally drunk when we did have it. This was me continuing to overcompensate by hiding how much I DIDN'T want sex and forcing myself to for his sake. We had a conversation about it, and I was as honest as I could be at the time. I didn't yet know what asexuality was and hadn't really come to terms with my own feelings and my discomfort with everything about sex and was continuing to push myself into making our relationship as "normal" as I could. I tried a lot of things (switching antidepressants to something that was supposed to amp up my libido [spoiler: it didn't work], introducing whatever kinks I could tolerate, reading erotica, masturbation, and the list goes on).

 

Four years of marriage, two kids, and a lot of frustration later, I stumbled upon you fine people and learned a LOT. I was so relieved that asexuality was a thing and that I wasn't just broken or malfunctioning. But it also gave me a sense of release, a feeling that I didn't have to push myself so far beyond my comfort zone just to please someone else's idea of what "normal" was. A lot of tearful conversations followed, and here we are today, in a sort of uncomfortable waiting period to see how this all shakes out.

 

We're having a lot less sex. He's frustrated and irritable because he sees sex as a demonstration of love, an act of intimacy, and he now feels like we're more distant. Physical intimacy is one of his main love languages, and that's always been a problem for me, but now that I feel like I can be a whole person without it, I feel like I can say no more often, though I do give what I can when I can. And I feel like I'm depriving him. But it's put a strain on our marriage. He gets moody and irritable. I feel ashamed that I can't be what he wants me to be.

 

I sort of want to separate. I want to live my life without the stress of sex hanging over us. I want to let him find someone who can meet his needs. But we still love each other very much beyond anything sexual. And we have small children, and honestly, it's just a lot easier to raise them as a team. Time will tell what comes of our marriage. But in the moment, in the day to day, as we figure this out, it's hard.

 

I feel like it's all my fault. And though he doesn't say it, I fear that he feels the same way. I'm working on it. All of it. But it's hard.

 

Tl;dr: Marriage is really hard, especially since I figured out my sexuality after we were already committed, and I'm working on not blaming myself for everything.

Not married but in a LTR with a sexual man. This just really hits home (especially the stress and needing to sort of take the edge of sex off with drinking) I completely understand the feeling of not wanting to deal with the stress of sex, and then feeling of "waiting to see how things shake out." I feel very similar to you right now, and I'm not married, so I feel that maybe things with myself and my SO aren't going to work out in the end due to differences. If you knew before you were married that you were asexual, would you still have gotten married? 

 

Also feel free to DM me in case this is taking over the thread. 

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  • 1 month later...

I’m not sure if this make sense, but I’ve found myself playing the “blame game” on my own asexuality. My boyfriend knows of and respects my orientation, always making sure I’m okay with whatever we do. However, I’m sex-repulsed, particularly when it comes to viewing or touching the male organ. He knows this and never pushes me, though I know that he wishes I was willing to do other things with him. 

 

We agreed that if/when we get married, I’ll try sex with him. I’ve never tried it at all and I believe in the “don’t knock it till you try it” idea, but sex is something I’m too terrified to even try. Giving him that promise, even saying that I might be neutral towards it enough to be willing to occasionally have more sex later on, feel like false promises. False hopes. Constantly telling him “no” or “not yet” makes me feel selfish. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I feel this way and I wish I were different. It would be so much easier to be sexual like him, or even be with someone who was asexual like me. But I love him and it feels worse to break it off with him just because of my insecurities. 

 

Maybe its because I’m still young. I’m only in my early twenties after all. 

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3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It may not be too sensible to wait till you're married to try sex, because it sounds like there's a decent chance it will turn out that despite genuine best efforts from both of you, the relationship could in the end not be tenable. Nobody's fault, but despite the romcom trope, love sometimes isn't enough. It'll be less hard to deal with that if you're not married (let alone bought a property together or had kids); otherwise you could both end feeling horrible and maybe coming to resent each other for years and years.

Yeah, but we both have a firm belief of remaining celibate until  marriage. Partially due to religious reasons and partially because of how we were raised. 

 

I suppose I could talk to him about this...it’s something thats been on my mind recently, and we talk a lot, so hopefully we can clear things up between us. 

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Måskemigselvetsted
8 hours ago, Redrose55x said:

Yeah, but we both have a firm belief of remaining celibate until  marriage. Partially due to religious reasons and partially because of how we were raised. 

 

I suppose I could talk to him about this...it’s something thats been on my mind recently, and we talk a lot, so hopefully we can clear things up between us. 

Then maybe it's a good idea to talk about if he's still in if it turns out you are never going to be okay with having sex. When you are not okay with it now (and not just because of religion) I wouldn't build my future on the assumption that you are going to be.

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I think it takes a hell of a lot to make a relationship work when one is ace and one isn’t. From my own experience I think that eventually the non ace will grow weary of no sex, but then there’s so many different variables. For me personally love wasn’t/isn’t enough. I think each relationship has to be kinda on it’s own, I don’t think there’s point in looking at other ppls relationships. But again that’s my view and everyone is entitled to their own views. For me breaking up with my partner was a relief but it’s also caused a lot of stress. If I could go back to pre- relationship knowing what I know now, I would stay well away. But tbh right now I’m pretty mucked up in my head with my own shit. But also @Redrose55x uh listen to what people have replied to you! I agree @Telecaster68  alright that’s my part said. 

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Uh just read my own post, sorry if it makes no sense. Not good at the best of times explaining stuff. I dunno ignore what I said argh. Sorry was trying to help :(

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  • 1 month later...
On 7/20/2018 at 6:36 PM, IronHamster said:

I like the idea of stopping the blame game.  Asexuals married to sexuals should not blame sexual people for getting what they need.  In fact, I think it is a fair trade.  Am I a cuck?  I want my asexual wife to hold hands with the asexual husband of my affair partner and watch as we fuck the shit out of each other.  

I’m gonna hazard a wild guess......

 

 

banned!

 

 

😂😂😂

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  • 1 month later...

So a few things have happened in my relationship lately, aside from recently finding out my girlfriend is asexual a few weeks ago, leading on from this and alot of research later she is now depressed, off work and a completely different person. This isn't something that has come on directly from her recent discovery (she says its always there on the inside, its now come out, so to speak) but more because of the fact she feels broken/ empty and alone because she cant experience the same feelings a sexual person does. 

 

Now here is where the blame game comes in, i feel like by proxy this is partly my fault she is depressed by just being around, being sexual and needing hugs, kisses (yes needed) and occasionally sex its constantly reminding her of things she cant give me, reminding her of that empty feeling as well as feeling guilty because she is preventing me from all these emotional connections i find bonds a couple bringing them closer together. 

 

In no way shape or form am i trying to brush past the fact she is depressed right now, its real and no one really understands how that person is feeling (not entirely anyway) and she is taking necessary steps to deal with this. If i was to be selfish for a moment, i would say its killing me and i dont know what to do. I have been really understanding and respectful of the asexual discovery, we have looked into ways to make this work and then we get hit with the "D" word and it resets all our progress. Another major factor in this mix which i feel i should mention is i have a somewhat erratic and paranoid tendency lately thinking she feels this way because i am not providing what she needs, i am not good enough and she is seeking her sexual needs elsewhere. I say this because i have found sex toys around the house i didnt know about and my brain automatically goes to "oh she is doing things online, getting her kicks on there with other folk".  I know this isn't true? and its all in my head but then small things eat away at me and i over analyse things i find, see and come across and it just makes me worse. 

 

How do i stop blaming myself for everything? is it partly my fault? am i making things worse by being around? 

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AspieAlly613

The one piece of advice I can offer is from this video:

 

 

 

Sometimes people just need/want a comforting "That sucks. I'm sorry to hear that."  

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Sam Sunshine

This thread is very helpful. I've been married for over 20 years now. I am asexual and my husband is sexual with an extremely high sex drive. I have always been asexual but didn't know it was 'a thing' until 2015. After having sex for pretty much 15 years to please my husband I got to the point where I just couldn't do it any more. I find the situation all very difficult and blame myself for being unable to do this act. My husband does not make demands on me but it's the knowing how much sex is important to him that causes me mental anguish. The thing is I am now pretty much sex-repulsed and historical sexual, physical and emotional abuse has caught up with me as it so often can. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression. We are very open and communicate well. He assures me he loves me and that is enough. I am struggling to accept that this is true and my mental well-being is not too good. How does one accept that they cannot and will not be fixed? I am asexual, I wish I had a sex drive for my husband but I don't. I am exhausted from having sex when I didn't want to and now I'm exhausted trying to accept what I am and what I have done to our marriage. Any advice would be so welcome.

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11 hours ago, Sam Sunshine said:

This thread is very helpful. I've been married for over 20 years now. I am asexual and my husband is sexual with an extremely high sex drive. I have always been asexual but didn't know it was 'a thing' until 2015. After having sex for pretty much 15 years to please my husband I got to the point where I just couldn't do it any more. I find the situation all very difficult and blame myself for being unable to do this act. My husband does not make demands on me but it's the knowing how much sex is important to him that causes me mental anguish. The thing is I am now pretty much sex-repulsed and historical sexual, physical and emotional abuse has caught up with me as it so often can. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression. We are very open and communicate well. He assures me he loves me and that is enough. I am struggling to accept that this is true and my mental well-being is not too good. How does one accept that they cannot and will not be fixed? I am asexual, I wish I had a sex drive for my husband but I don't. I am exhausted from having sex when I didn't want to and now I'm exhausted trying to accept what I am and what I have done to our marriage. Any advice would be so welcome.

Hi Sam welcome to the forums. 

 

I cant say that I have any advice for you as such but I am in the same situation as you and in your husbands shoes. Have you discussed poly at all? It's a very difficult situation to be in but just know it's not your fault and it is what it is. I hope you can find something that works and if you do have any solutions/ work around please share them with me if you dont mind and I of course will do the same. I hope we both find something that works soon because its emotionally draining me. 

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Sam Sunshine
On 5/25/2019 at 7:34 AM, OpenAlex said:

Hi Sam welcome to the forums. 

 

I cant say that I have any advice for you as such but I am in the same situation as you and in your husbands shoes. Have you discussed poly at all? It's a very difficult situation to be in but just know it's not your fault and it is what it is. I hope you can find something that works and if you do have any solutions/ work around please share them with me if you dont mind and I of course will do the same. I hope we both find something that works soon because its emotionally draining me. 

Hi Alex

Thank you for replying. Poly is something I would never agree to but we have discussed separating. I have said to my husband many times that he can leave me and find someone else. He doesn't want to and says I am his sunshine. The thing is we love each other deeply, we adore one another and want to be together. We both hope things will change as time moves on. We've have 20 years together, most of which during much of that time we did have a pretty healthy love life on and off. It's really been the last 5 years that I have regressed pretty much completely. If you're a lot earlier in your relationship I could see where it could be difficult to work at. 

My advice to you is that communication is key, you must tell each other how you feel as much as possible, it really is the only way to keep going. I have finally learnt that my husband is not a mind-reader. If I don't to him then he won't know and I have to push him to talk about his feelings to me so I can put my busy mind at rest too. 

Sam

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  • 2 weeks later...
AceMissBehaving

@OpenAlex I suffer from depression, and I’m the asexual in a very long term asexual/sexual mixed relationship. Every person is different, but I’ve perhaps been in a similar place to where your girlfriend is right now.

 

While she has, like she said, always known how she felt, suddenly having a label, and all this information has probably brought a whole lot stuff to the surface which has been packed down over the years, and now she’s suddenly finding herself looking at all of it all at once, and having to deal with, and make sense of it all. 

 

On top of that, you don’t know what you don’t know, so suddenly realizing that there’s this whole world people around you are experiencing, and you’re not is can be a pretty startling eye opener, so she may have to process this feeling of “loss”. I read an article lately about how people can experience grief over more than just the loss of a loved one, the feeling of loss about a sense of identity etc for example can lead to the same pattern of feelings. 

 

The bad news is you can’t hurry this along. The good news is it can be worked through, and there is a sense of peace at the end of it.

 

However, you are of course dealing with your own struggles about this. Depression is awful for the person going through it, but it’s also really hard, and scary for the person on the outside. She probably can’t be your emotional care giver if she’s in a really dark place, and that’s hard, but I can do my best as a total stranger to maybe offer a bit of light on the things you say you are feeling...

 

First off the question of sex toys. You say you realize that your worries on that front are most likely unfounded, but things eat away at you. It’s not easy but when these things come up on your mind, trying to check in with that rational thinking, and not watering those anxious seeds can help stop them growing and taking over. I’m not a professional, but I know there are techniques people can try to help with that. (I’ll admit, it’s something I’m personally bad at myself)

 

How do you stop blaming yourself for

everything? By remembering you both are how you are, it’s no one’s fault, it’s just something that was always going to need working through. 

 

Is it partly your fault? No. This is about her feelings and coming to terms with things about herself. Wether she found the asexual label or not she was already dealing with it. 

 

Are you making things worse by being around? Also no. The thing here is you can’t take another person’s depression personally. It can feel like it’s about you, but it’s not. Remember, she just had this bombshell realization about herself, and that’s what she’s unpacking.

 

You can’t take this pain away from her, you can’t problem solve it (the depression), but you can help her through it by listening to her. I don’t know what things she finds comforting, for me non sexual touch like hugs and being heard help. This isn’t true of everyone, especially in this community. But find out what her needs are, if she says she doesn’t know, she doesn’t know. But being there for her, being accepting, will help. 

 

I’m assuming by “she is taking the necessary steps to deal with it” you mean she is in therapy? How about you? Sometimes something like talk therapy can help you deal with your own struggles that come from caring about a person going through this kind of thing. If you are committed to this relationship long term, it could probably helpful with dealing with some of the struggles that come with figuring out how to balance an asexual/sexual mixed relationship.

 

It’s hard. You are not a bad person for

needing the things you need, she is

not a broken person for needing the things she needs, but untangling all the feeling around what this discovery means is the first step. I wish you both the very best, and I’m so sorry that you are both currently suffering through all this. Depression is the worst, but it really does get better, and it will get better.

Edited by AceMissBehaving
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On 6/7/2019 at 6:04 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

@OpenAlex I suffer from depression, and I’m the asexual in a very long term asexual/sexual mixed relationship. Every person is different, but I’ve perhaps been in a similar place to where your girlfriend is right now.

 

While she has, like she said, always known how she felt, suddenly having a label, and all this information has probably brought a whole lot stuff to the surface which has been packed down over the years, and now she’s suddenly finding herself looking at all of it all at once, and having to deal with, and make sense of it all. 

 

On top of that, you don’t know what you don’t know, so suddenly realizing that there’s this whole world people around you are experiencing, and you’re not is can be a pretty startling eye opener, so she may have to process this feeling of “loss”. I read an article lately about how people can experience grief over more than just the loss of a loved one, the feeling of loss about a sense of identity etc for example can lead to the same pattern of feelings. 

 

The bad news is you can’t hurry this along. The good news is it can be worked through, and there is a sense of peace at the end of it.

 

However, you are of course dealing with your own struggles about this. Depression is awful for the person going through it, but it’s also really hard, and scary for the person on the outside. She probably can’t be your emotional care giver if she’s in a really dark place, and that’s hard, but I can do my best as a total stranger to maybe offer a bit of light on the things you say you are feeling...

 

First off the question of sex toys. You say you realize that your worries on that front are most likely unfounded, but things eat away at you. It’s not easy but when these things come up on your mind, trying to check in with that rational thinking, and not watering those anxious seeds can help stop them growing and taking over. I’m not a professional, but I know there are techniques people can try to help with that. (I’ll admit, it’s something I’m personally bad at myself)

 

How do you stop blaming yourself for

everything? By remembering you both are how you are, it’s no one’s fault, it’s just something that was always going to need working through. 

 

Is it partly your fault? No. This is about her feelings and coming to terms with things about herself. Wether she found the asexual label or not she was already dealing with it. 

 

Are you making things worse by being around? Also no. The thing here is you can’t take another person’s depression personally. It can feel like it’s about you, but it’s not. Remember, she just had this bombshell realization about herself, and that’s what she’s unpacking.

 

You can’t take this pain away from her, you can’t problem solve it (the depression), but you can help her through it by listening to her. I don’t know what things she finds comforting, for me non sexual touch like hugs and being heard help. This isn’t true of everyone, especially in this community. But find out what her needs are, if she says she doesn’t know, she doesn’t know. But being there for her, being accepting, will help. 

 

I’m assuming by “she is taking the necessary steps to deal with it” you mean she is in therapy? How about you? Sometimes something like talk therapy can help you deal with your own struggles that come from caring about a person going through this kind of thing. If you are committed to this relationship long term, it could probably helpful with dealing with some of the struggles that come with figuring out how to balance an asexual/sexual mixed relationship.

 

It’s hard. You are not a bad person for

needing the things you need, she is

not a broken person for needing the things she needs, but untangling all the feeling around what this discovery means is the first step. I wish you both the very best, and I’m so sorry that you are both currently suffering through all this. Depression is the worst, but it really does get better, and it will get better.

Thanks for your reply @AceMissBehaving , i do take alot of comfort from some of your comments however i feel as though i have spectacularly messed up our relationship now. Whilst we had been looking to the idea of Poly the opportunity came up for me to try this and with no rules/ boundaries set, not knowing how to go about it i went ahead with it anyway (drink had alot to do with this).

 

I was honest with her about this and now she feels betrayed and that i did this on purpose as a revenge thing for everything going on lately. I was so dead set on trying to make things work in the relationship that i was prepared to do just about anything so we stayed together. I cant justify what i did, the timing was all kinds of wrong and i have made her situation worse and put fuel on an already volatile situation. 

 

If anyone can take anything from my above comment and are considering Poly, please please please for the love of god don't approach it how i did, set boundaries up, research research research, go to meetings, talk to other Poly folk and always let your partner know whats going on, its so important. 

 

Now i will go sit and watch my relationship/ family slowly fall apart in front of my eyes knowing that nothing i can do or say will save it, and that's on me :(

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AceMissBehaving

@OpenAlex are the two of you in couples counseling at all? If not that might be something that could help salvage things. I’m not gonna say it’s easy, but I have known people work things out even from what can look like a point of no return.

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21 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

@OpenAlex are the two of you in couples counseling at all? If not that might be something that could help salvage things. I’m not gonna say it’s easy, but I have known people work things out even from what can look like a point of no return.

The only counselling at the minute is for her depression, i may suggest that tonight and see what her thoughts are on it. We both want different things from the relationship from personal points of view and neither of us can give each other this. The only common ground we have at the minute is we both want what is best for the children, if thats something to work to then it could be a start but ultimately should we really be staying together for just the sake of the kids? how selfless should we be? 

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 2/7/2018 at 11:51 AM, James121 said:

Ok....so this is really the first explanation that makes sense and I can now see how in some cases, someone may not know. I do believe in other instances, people have known or suspected before marriage takes place and not acted or disclosed the issue which is something that irritates me greatly.

In the various accounts that I have read Aven, everyone has omitted that particular detail which only leads me to conclude they they knew as it would seem very reasonable for it to have been included as part of their story. Maybe I am just a little cynical though.

 

So in your situation, I do have a question. I know that rape victims can completely shut off sexually after the tragic event.  I would imagine that their negative sexual experience and mental trauma has a massive mental impact but I can’t explain the exact science behind it.

Do you think, that given your initial curiosity, which led to repeated consensual but unwanted and therefore negative sex, your view/mindset on sex was adversely impacted? 

What I’m referring to is that your journey has been through curiosity to sexually active and eventually to repulsion.

 

I know it’s been awhile but I’d like to answer this thread.

 

Trauma does indeed influence the situation. Trauma complicated things immensely. In 2 ways - to partners and the self. 

 

Eg. being assaulted as a young teen Virgin, already having asexual traits. Possibly said assault was a ‘corrective rape’ arranged by bad crowd of friends. 

 

Result: spending years with a husband trying to overcome trauma to have a ‘healthy’ sex life and not having any education about asexuality. The rape victim carries the shame, the blame, the sexual pressure and the feeling that therapy is not working. Trying to be something that’s completely unrelatable. 

 

The sexual spouse feels rejected and sexually unfulfilled. But both stay in said marriage because they love each other so much, and both want to have a happy life. 

 

End of story: yes, it can take awhile to figure it out. All I ever got told is there was something wrong with me for not being sexually active - even before said trauma. I know that if trauma didn’t happen - I would’ve figured it out earlier. I appreciate the connection a relationship provided for both of us. It was always about more than s*x. 

 

I am divorced. I only figured out the asexuality after the divorce! I think if had I figured it out during the marriage - it would’ve ended sooner. The sexual aspect was fairly horrid - not only was I going against my nature, it was doubled by PTSD triggers that physically actually can make you ‘sick’.  Periods of abstinence were like mental healing. It was easier to get back into that bed willingly, after a break from it. But it’s like the more pressure to have sex you’re given, the less inclined you become to do so. 

 

This was a great thread that brought up ‘entitled sex’ in relationships and how to deal with it. Thanks to all who responded! 

 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Finding out about asexuality has really helped me and my husband specifically because there was this blame/resentment/insecurity/hurt going on between the two of us. He felt that I didn't find him attractive because I didn't initiate and he had this sense that I felt sex was a chore, that I was reluctant, and the more I denied it, or if I responded with a kind of, "Okay, let's have sex now, then", it sort of negated my attempt to provide the thing he just said he needed. And I always felt like this meant the sex that I engaged in with him didn't count or didn't matter, so there wasn't any point in putting in the effort of having sex with him if he wasn't going to appreciate it. I felt inadequate, he felt like scum, and it is NOT the way to spend the first 2 years of your marriage.

 

Being able to tell him that I just don't feel that kind of attraction has helped us so much because now I have terms and vocabulary to tell him the ways in which I DO find him attractive, and the things I do want to do with him. I was worried he would take it personally, but he's been really understanding and supportive. It's opened up a whole new plane of communication between us.

 

Like last night we were talking about the fact that a lot of the sensual/romantic/affectionate stuff I enjoy is often just a preamble to sex, or even a sort of currency, where if I asked for cuddles, sex was expected afterwards, and there have been instances where I asked for cuddles, and he asked if there would be sex, and I said no, and he didn't come in to cuddle. And it was hurtful because it was confirmation that if I didn't do the sex, I wouldn't get the cuddles. He apologized, like, without trying to explain why he'd done it or anything, and that was really good for us. 

 

We also talked about, like my dad being very honest with me growing up about his desire for my mom (needing her so bad he couldn't breathe sometimes) versus my mom's sort of dismissive eye-roll reaction to my dad's description of the almost rapey compulsive nature of men's sexual urges. I personally try not to be outright dismissive or sarcastic about other people's needs, even if I think they're overblown or exaggerated for dramatic effect or scare factor (i.e. when adults felt the need to scare me off of sex as a teenager), but I still harbored that attitude of ... "Get over yourself" or "Oh, grow up" early in our marriage when my husband came to me in a spirit of sincerity and vulnerability because he couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't find him sexually attractive or fulfilling, or that I didn't love him because I wasn't pursuing him sexually and he was deeply hurt ... and I was interpreting it as "You aren't giving me enough sex, I need more sex and that trumps you feeling uncomfortable or actually being in physical pain."

 

It was so liberating and healing to be able to tell him that is what was going on in my head and express regret for that attitude. We've been able to work out a system where I can ask for cuddles and specify if I am open to sex during these cuddles, and he can ask for sex in exchange for cuddles and I can say, "Possibly" and I will still get cuddles out of it. It's been really great and I wish I'd known all of this sooner.

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Hi all, I too find this thread fascinating. This is the first time I have actually  commented here, so forgive me if I get the process wrong. This may also be long, but there is a long history and story to tell. Firstly I am thrilled that I can see commonality here and a real sense of connection. So thank you for that. I too have only just realised VERY slowly over the last 5 years that I too am asexual. I am 50 years old and a mother of 3 young adult children and have been with my partner for over 30 years. Looks very traditional from the outside doesn’t it... My partner and I have had a very long journey to get here, the fact that we have a mildly disabled son has also created a great deal of stress. The fact of the matter is I now know that I have always been asexual now that I know what it is.( there was no internet for me growing up).  The hard part is I now also know that I really wanted a family, am incredibly maternal and also hetero romantic with a strong aesthetic attraction to men. This combination means that you kid yourself into believing what looks to be normal must be normal. In my mind sex was just the thing you had to do to keep your partner happy and as I love him it was worth it. It also was something that happened to ensure all of the other great things about a relationship stayed on track. I am not repulsed by it at all, just completely indifferent. I could completely take it or leave it as long as someone else did all of the work as it required a lot of energy on my part. My partner however was also suffering and now we know  why he has always had a sense of confusion why I didn’t initiate or enthusiastically participate And I then in turn wondering why he wasn’t just grateful for my love in the way I was able to show him sexually. Of course over many years this Disconnect becomes toxic and led to him having an affair and being dishonest about this part of his life. 10 or so years and lots of lots of tears and conversations later as well as a sense of “ hang on , our  relationship is incredibly functional and loving and works on every level except for sex.” Why would we destroy that. As he has over years discovered and investigated the concept of polyamory and as he sees himself as demisexual, this works for him. We now have a very clear realisation and understanding and more importantly acceptance ( which takes a jolt to your ego) that no one can be everything all of the time to one person and why should they have to be. it took me a bit longer to “ get it”, and it is an incredibly painful and long journey to unlearn what society tells you is normal and then Create what works for you and your relationship. It currently works for us although as with everything it will always be a work in progress and involves painfully open and honest communication. It is also a relief to know that we can still be together but I now dont ever have to pretend again to really want sex or even have it cross my mind. I genuinely want him and me to be happy with who we are. I am also now free without any guilt or concern to have the type ofrelationships I want with anyone I feel add to connection in my life. The most useful thing I found was to understand the sense of compersion......please look it up, it is a wonderful kind and giving concept. That is incredibly hard to do but very rewarding if you can.  I hope this helps with the discussion, but would love to hear if there is anyone else in this forum who has discovered a way around living in a mixed sexuality relationship.

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Yours could have been my story except that the toxicity remained and my ex did not and i doubt if he would have sought sex elsewhere.  He also didnt want me to leave, but "preferred" to be unhappy. I left because of the toxicity and i am free to never feel guilty again.

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I just find the OP horrendous. I just read it thinking, would I ever want my daughter to feel like she had to give sex in order to make a person happy? NO. Are these progressive views? Absolutely not, and I'm glad lots of people pointed that out. 

Am I shaming sexuals for wanting sex? Absolutely not. Are they selfish for wanting non consensual sex (because sex under pressure is not consensual sex)? Yes they are. Polyamory is a solution as suggested above, there are many solutions that do not involve violating another person's boundaries and invading their most intimate spaces. 

Having unwanted sex chips away until it leaves lasting damage. Nobody has the right to insist on sex in this situation. Of course they must leave or find another solution. As I said I'd rather die than imagine my daughter in this position.

Me Too has happened. Even the law has changed to encompass the concept of enthusiastic consent rather than just the absence of a no. Thank God the world is changing and these regressive attitudes will soon be no more.

I simply cannot get on with the ethos of the site however lovely the people on here are. It's just wrong. It's done my head in.

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None of us condone non consensual sex, but many asexuals like me have gone along with things to avoid confrontation.  It was a choice i certainly made on a lot of occasions. I dont think the whole of the site is like the OP states.

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On 5/24/2019 at 8:04 PM, Sam Sunshine said:

This thread is very helpful. I've been married for over 20 years now. I am asexual and my husband is sexual with an extremely high sex drive. I have always been asexual but didn't know it was 'a thing' until 2015. After having sex for pretty much 15 years to please my husband I got to the point where I just couldn't do it any more. I find the situation all very difficult and blame myself for being unable to do this act. My husband does not make demands on me but it's the knowing how much sex is important to him that causes me mental anguish. The thing is I am now pretty much sex-repulsed and historical sexual, physical and emotional abuse has caught up with me as it so often can. I have PTSD, anxiety and depression. We are very open and communicate well. He assures me he loves me and that is enough. I am struggling to accept that this is true and my mental well-being is not too good. How does one accept that they cannot and will not be fixed? I am asexual, I wish I had a sex drive for my husband but I don't. I am exhausted from having sex when I didn't want to and now I'm exhausted trying to accept what I am and what I have done to our marriage. Any advice would be so welcome.

Oh God, I hope you are OK. Personally, for me, having sex when I didn't want to damaged my self esteem and my self respect and I only felt better when I stopped doing it, and got out of the relationship. I would read some feminist literature to stop feeling guilty and to reclaim some sense of pride and ownership of your own body and respect for your body. That's what works for me. All of this 'compromise' stuff makes me feel like death just to read it let alone to live it....You have a right to your own body, and not to have your body and boundaries violated. You haven't 'done' anything to your marriage, you've sacrificed your own body to save the marriage and it's still not enough.. You're worth so much more than this. Take care of you. 

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On 8/2/2019 at 10:03 AM, alibali said:

None of us condone non consensual sex, but many asexuals like me have gone along with things to avoid confrontation.  It was a choice i certainly made on a lot of occasions. I dont think the whole of the site is like the OP states.

Well, yes, going along with things to avoid confrontation is not nice at all. I would go further and say that it's psychologically damaging. I've done the exact same thing myself, I've had sex for various reasons ranging from I did not want to die, to I did not want to upset or anger someone. And it made me feel worthless. 

 

A choice made under duress is not quite a choice is it? Personally I just had to reclaim my self respect and feeling of self worth and self esteem. Because those things matter. And they should matter to you too, you are worth it. That's what I would like to say. Everyone is worthy of feeling good and right and strong in their own body. Please, people, take care of yourselves, because you matter as much as anybody else. 

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On 7/31/2019 at 8:35 AM, alibali said:

Yours could have been my story except that the toxicity remained and my ex did not and i doubt if he would have sought sex elsewhere.  He also didnt want me to leave, but "preferred" to be unhappy. I left because of the toxicity and i am free to never feel guilty again.

I am happy to hear you left and escaped the toxicity, take care of you. 

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7 hours ago, Just, No said:

Oh God, I hope you are OK. Personally, for me, having sex when I didn't want to damaged my self esteem and my self respect and I only felt better when I stopped doing it, and got out of the relationship. I would read some feminist literature to stop feeling guilty and to reclaim some sense of pride and ownership of your own body and respect for your body. That's what works for me. All of this 'compromise' stuff makes me feel like death just to read it let alone to live it....You have a right to your own body, and not to have your body and boundaries violated. You haven't 'done' anything to your marriage, you've sacrificed your own body to save the marriage and it's still not enough.. You're worth so much more than this. Take care of you. 

I resonate so much with both of these - the having sex just to please and because it is expected, and the regaining of my own self respect and feeling so much better once I realised and decided that I would no longer do it and got out of the relationship. 

 

Ever since my very first sexual experiences as a teenager I have always had a strong sense of 'this is MY body not yours, and why should I have to allow someone else control what I do with it', but at the same time, without knowing that being asexual was a thing, making those compromises and self-sacrifices because that is what is 'normal' and expected in a 'loving relationship'. 

 

It now feels soooo  good to know that I don't have to let anyone dictate what I do with, or what is done to, my body that I live in.  It's mine.  It is sad when relationships break down because of this, but the reality is that the relationship was formed and maintained on illusion ... the illusion of the sexual partner that the sexual feelings are reciprocated, and the illusion of the asexual partner that they have to maintain the facade and sacrifice themselves for it.  I am so grateful to have found Aven and this group of people, who feel as I do, as it has truly set me free.  And it feels great.  It feels so empowering.  I finally own my body 100%.

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