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Stopping the Blame Game


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Rain dancer81
8 hours ago, Sally said:

That's not going to happen.  Sexuals who are involved with asexuals will always have a place here.  

Agreed. It’s the people with no link to asexuality at all (neither a partner or asexual) whose input I find really off putting.

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10 minutes ago, Juniper Lily said:

Agreed. It’s the people with no link to asexuality at all (neither a partner or asexual) whose input I find really off putting.

I can't actually think of any non-ace members who've never had a connection to asexuality who are on here tbh. Maybe there's someone, but I can't think of who. There are definitely a decent number of currently active members who once identified as asexual or wondered if they might be and that's how they found their way here, but now they know they're not. Not gonna single anyone else out because sometimes people don't want attention or to be tagged, but I'm in that category myself. There isn't a rule that you have to leave if you discover you're not ace, and people who've previously questioned themselves can sometimes provide some insight for others who are currently uncertain of their sexuality. And then there are people who were partners of asexuals or suspected asexuals but have since split up, but they found some aspect of the community that they liked so they stuck around. I can't actually think of anyone who's active too much now, but there was a member over a decade ago whose ex-boyfriend was asexual (I think she joined after they broke up, actually; perhaps she was looking to understand things that had happened in the relationship after the fact) and she was a very regular poster who seemed to make a lot of friends here. My current partner was in that category for a while after he split from his ex-wife, although he's not around anymore. There are a few people who've been vague about their stories, but seem to have hinted at a past relationship. And I'm also in the category of people with asexual exes, as my ex-husband is ace. Sometimes I see people join even though they're not a partner of an ace, but maybe a friend or a parent or a sibling instead and they're looking to understand better. Then there are academic researchers, people doing sexuality studies at universities and the like.

 

But I don't think I actually see many people at all who just join for the hell of it with literally no connection to asexuality at any point in their life. There's generally no reason to. The ones who do that seem to be trolls looking to cause problems and they're not that common and generally get banned quickly.

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Rain dancer81

@Ceebs not referring to you FYI ❤️🙂. There was a gay man on here, who claimed to *know* someone loosely who *might* have been asexual… it  about 6 months ago who was like a fly buzzing in my ear saying all sorts of nasty things. I forget his name, he appears to have left because there is no one on this site currently who is blatantly rude to people like he was. Perhaps you know who I mean, maybe not. He’s the singular reason I stopped posting. He even took to messaging me and harassing me 

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@Juniper Lily Ahhh yes I do recall now. Gotcha. 😬

 

I believe that... membership... ended in a ban.

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  • 2 months later...

Yes, I see a lot of blaming in the asexual and sexual worlds. Everyone is entitled to have their wants/needs/desires or lack thereof met. Neither is wrong. It just means that you need to find someone who suits those needs you have or don't have. I'm not a very sexual person and I wouldn't be having sex for fun.. it's not my thing. But it is something that i'd occasionally want to do with a partner, just so I could feel as physically close to them as possible. It makes it difficult for me, because i'm not sex driven and I want to have that closeness for an entirely different reason. 

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  • 1 month later...
20 minutes ago, misk. said:

@NotRocket I don't know how to share posts very well this is the first thing that came to mind

hi what exactly are you trying to share. the whole topic-?

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Just now, NotRocket said:

hi what exactly are you trying to share. the whole topic-?

Yes, my love. I thought it could be useful. I've been finding many topics I'd like to share, though I'm sure you've seen them. 

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Just now, misk. said:

Yes, my love. I thought it could be useful. I've been finding many topics I'd like to share, though I'm sure you've seen them. 

hh alright thats fair. thanks hh ♥♥

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Just now, NotRocket said:

hh alright thats fair. thanks hh ♥♥

Of course! Not that I think we're doing any blaming, don't misunderstand. Have it anyways! ♥♥

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Just now, misk. said:

Of course! Not that I think we're doing any blaming, don't misunderstand. Have it anyways! ♥♥

hh got it. ill read through it, cheers ♥♥

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Just now, NotRocket said:

hh got it. ill read through it, cheers ♥♥

Cheers! Heehee ♥♥

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 4/25/2013 at 2:44 PM, Lydian said:

So recently, I've come across a number of posts, old and new, that really bothered me. Some were from fellow asexuals and others from sexuals. Often times these posts have already been responded to, but I felt I really wanted to make a thread addressing it. I'll warn you I tend to ramble on and this might be long. I may return and revise it later.

 

So what is the 'Blame Game'? Basically, it's when you blame someone for following their sexuality. I think it's really easy to do, especially if you don't have a good understanding of how the other side feels, or why they feel the way they do. I would like to point out that not everything I am going to say is going to apply to every sexual or asexual, it's merely an example of a situation that can often arise.

 

Often for someone who is asexual, it can be difficult to understand why sex is something necessary in a relationship, especially since we could easily go without. I've encountered it several times where I've heard people blaming the sexuals for their need for sex, shaming it, treating it as though the only thing sexuals want from a relationship is sex. It's seen as unfair that they should expect sex when their partner doesn't. For many people who are sexual however, a lack of sex can cause feelings of frustration and resentment for being denied. While there may be some who really are ok with becoming celibate, forcing someone into celibacy is likely to leave them downright miserable.

 

For many it is more than just a physical urge, but also a desire for closeness with their partner. Relationships are about making each other happy and if you're unhappy with a lack of sex, you should have every right to say so, to ask for a change and to not be blamed for your feelings. There is NOTHING wrong with expecting sex in a relationship, and you should never feel like you are at fault for feeling this way. You have a right to be happy in your relationship. Keep in mind this does not mean you are entitled to sex from your partner. It just means that you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting or asking for it within reason.

 

On the flip-side, for someone who is sexual, it seems like it can be difficult to understand why someone would refuse sex. Even upon coming to the understanding of someone not wanting it, to refuse to give it can, and often is, seen as being selfish. The feelings mentioned before are likely to surface and it's difficult to understand, despite how you feel, why your partner still refuses sex. Outside a relationship, asexuals may be considered to be 'prudes' for expressing that they never want to have sex. If sex is so important to sexuals, is it fair to deny them?

 

For many people who choose not to have sex, pushing themselves to have sex can lead to feeling frustrated with having to do so, resentful towards their partner for making them and just downright miserable. This sounds strangely familiar, doesn't it? If having sex, or having too much sex, is going to make someone unhappy they have every right to say no. Many asexuals will be willing to compromise and can be happy despite it, but it has to be their choice. Just because the feelings of the sexual are seen as the 'norm', doesn't mean they over rule the asexual's feelings. They are not wrong to feel this way and should not be blamed or shamed for it. It doesn't mean they don't care about your feelings, but they have the right to be happy in a relationship too.

 

When you love someone, you want them to be happy. It's up to both people in a relationship to understand their partner's feelings, and work together to find something that can work without making anyone miserable. Neither person is wrong to assert their desires. It's up to you to decide how far you're able to compromise with your partner before making yourself or your partner unhappy. Asserting your own happiness of course, is not the same as refusing to work with your partner at all. If you really love them and want to make things work, compromises will need to be made. Frustration may happen and things might not be easy, just don't ever blame your partner for the way they feel. Always be honest with your partner about how certain things make you feel, they can't read your mind, but also try to be wary of when your partner seems like they might be pushing themselves to try to please you.

 

Edit: I'd like to add one small thing as well, in case it was misunderstood. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to make it work. Sometimes it wont and that's nobody's fault and it doesn't meant one person or both just 'didn't try hard enough'. Sometimes people just wont be compatible (which can be caused by a lot of things not just sex) and that's ok. You're never under pressure to stay in a relationship that does more harm than good for you and it doesn't mean you just 'didn't love your partner enough' or that they just didn't love you enough if they can't make things work either. It's ok to try and fail and learn and grow from the experience.'

 

Edit 2: Some advice from an older, wiser but still growing Me. Don't feel like you HAVE to 'compromise' in any way that makes you less than happy. Someone dear to me told me "I don't want you to be Fine. I want you to be Happy." I have been trying to take these words to heart. A compromise you're not thrilled about but are 'willing to deal with' isn't good for you and eventually it's going to come out. Also when I say it's ok for sexual people to "ask for sex" that doesn't mean when you ALREADY KNOW your partner is not ok with it. If you absolutely need sex in a relationship, then this relationship is not for you.

 

tl;dr

Sexuals have the right to ask for sex, and asexuals have the right to refuse and neither should be blamed.  (Edit: Not if you already know your partner is not ok with sex at all. Communication is ongoing, but please don't ask someone for something you know they're not ok giving. If your needs aren't being met, it may be time to move on. It's not anyone's fault.) One orientation does not 'overrule' the other. Everyone has the right to be happy and if you love someone, you'll be willing to work to find something that keeps you BOTH happy while understanding that your partner's feelings are just as valid as your own.


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If something is unclear, or you think I should change/add something, let me know. If you can come up with a better way to word something GO FOR IT, I'm not that good at this whole putting together of the words thing. ^_^ I'll possibly revise this as I said to make it shorter and more concise....I tend to ramble first time through.

I think your wording was perfect. I spent my life trying to be who I thought I haded to be and it did major damage. If more ppl looked at relationshis this way, and if I was honest with myself a long time ago I would be better off now. But forcing myself to "act" sexual Beacus as a man I thought that's how I was sapos2 be I am now at a point ware I can bearly stand physical contact with another person.

 

Honesty and communication are very important. Forcing yourself or someone else to do something can lead to major pain and resentment down the line. Even if it comes from a posativ place you need to be open with who you are. If you don't tell someone you are asexual how can you blam them for not respecting boundaries they don't no you have.

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I am very new just found this place about 3 days ago. I am thinful to have a place to help me navigate life as am now that I am done pretending to be someone I am not.

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