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Stopping the Blame Game


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Im a sexual man dating an asexual woman. In my case my girlfriend loves the feeling of sex and the intimacy within it. But she is not one to initiate it (though she has in the past) nor is she one to desire it. I am coming into terms with her being asexual and I do not love her any less. There are times when she comes over and tells me off the bat "I don't wanna have sex"...does this frustrate me? Absolutely but it doesn't make me an animal and I get over it pretty quick, especially since we still cuddle, kiss, hug, etc. Not all sexuals are animals/savages. YES we do crave and desire sex, sometimes more often than we should but as long as we are able to contain ourselves and learn to compromise, that is what will seperate us from sexuals who do act like animals and guilt their partners into sex for that sexual void fullfillment.

I'm an asexual and my husband is sexual and we are similar to this. I love being close to my husband and adore his body and everything about touching because I accept him as a whole sexual person (and because I've always been a touchy person). Yes sometimes it can feel overwhelming when a sexual person loves sex everyday, but people are forgetting that there are sex positive asexuals, who like me, actually like deriving pleasure from our own bodies because we are still capable of enjoying it and can see it as a form of romantic recreation. My husband puts so much effort into me eventually getting pleasure out of it even more than for himself sometimes, and it ends up meaning so much more to me. We have just as much intimacy in conversation as actual. I understand the urge of having sex and like that I can relieve stress from it. The biggest problem we have is that for one it is an immediate desire and for the other it is something that constantly has to be eased into and it can be very draining. But we are almost always in good terms when it comes to our sex lives. I just want people to understand that it is possible and that we can still fulfill each other.

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  • 2 months later...

I can not agree more with you. In fact. I'm in this situation right now. I don't feel right having sex with my partner anymore. I told him I'm asexual and also told him I don't want to have sex anymore. He didn't understand me at all. And he literally said: so? can't we be as we were before? (meaning having sex)

I don't want to! but he says I do that or I leave him. He can not take a relationship with sex.

Am I being selfish for denying him sex? Is he the one being selfish?

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I can not agree more with you. In fact. I'm in this situation right now. I don't feel right having sex with my partner anymore. I told him I'm asexual and also told him I don't want to have sex anymore. He didn't understand me at all. And he literally said: so? can't we be as we were before? (meaning having sex)

I don't want to! but he says I do that or I leave him. He can not take a relationship with sex.

Am I being selfish for denying him sex? Is he the one being selfish?

From the sounds of it, he is. But I can't imagine it must feel very good being told in the relationship that your partner is of a different orientation and that they don't want to have sex, which is something they crave, with you anymore just like not eating cake anymore when it's right in front you and not going to the cake store to buy another one until you stop craving cake in how many years that will take. Kinda prompts the "why me" reaction from what I understand.

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I can not agree more with you. In fact. I'm in this situation right now. I don't feel right having sex with my partner anymore. I told him I'm asexual and also told him I don't want to have sex anymore. He didn't understand me at all. And he literally said: so? can't we be as we were before? (meaning having sex)

I don't want to! but he says I do that or I leave him. He can not take a relationship with sex.

Am I being selfish for denying him sex? Is he the one being selfish?

From the sounds of it, he is. But I can't imagine it must feel very good being told in the relationship that your partner is of a different orientation and that they don't want to have sex, which is something they crave, with you anymore just like not eating cake anymore when it's right in front you and not going to the cake store to buy another one until you stop craving cake in how many years that will take. Kinda prompts the "why me" reaction from what I understand.

I see what you mean. He could not understand and it was hard for him. I ended up leaving him saying that I didn't love him anymore (a lie because I do love him). He would have agreed in the thing of not having sex but I'm not as selfish to allow that a person sexually active to stop having sex. In the end, I hurt him but it is better than keeping him at my side without sex (I don't know if it makes sense but I prefer him to be happy with someone else that can give him things I couldn't give)

Thank you anyway. Guys: you're the best :)

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anodyneinsect

Thank you for your post on this issue. I have been involved in a very close relationship with my SO for many years and we have worked very hard on boundaries and what works well for both of us. The way I see it is we are both living beings deserving of love and respect and we both want each other to be happy. Every relationship is different and there is no correct answer that works for everyone.

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  • 3 months later...

I'm sexual

My wife is asexual, but we have some sex!

If I masturbate 10 times:

8 times will be 'meh... It was ok, nice'

1 time will be 'OMG, how pathetic! Why can't we just have sex? I feel so lonely!'

1 time will be 'pfui! That was sooo good! I love my wife and she loves me, but good thing I have this! I might do this tomorrow again!..or if I'm really lucky she might do it with me!'

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  • 1 month later...
On the right track

Ive tried dating sites but only have recently identified that Im not interested in sex at all. So I stopped dating. Glad to find this site.

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greenflamingo

Often when I am on a date and I explain some of my issues with sex and intimacy, the guy comes back with the stereotypical "the guys you dated before were just pigs/using you for sex/blah blah blah." When I explain that I don't blame those men, and that I don't think they are bad people, I get these blank looks. It has been so hammered into us that "men want sex and women want love," that it is hard to get people to take my orientation seriously. People think that the only reason to refuse sex is the absence of love or respect, and that wanting sex when your partner doesn't is also indicates of a lack of love/respect.

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I guess my point is if you knew you were asexual before you met your husband then isn't it his right to know that while dating? If my wife had told me she was asexual when we first met I would have said I am not and moved on to someone else.

My wife never just laid on the bed and told me to stick it in and get it over with. She had orgasms, I don't think a woman that despises sex can do that.

Sex is a natural thing between two people and is important more so for men then women and that's what most of the asexual's on this board who are mostly women, don't or won't understand .

Lady Girl if you don't think sex is that important to a male in a marriage, then why do so many men look outside their marriage for it..

If only life were that simple. I was not a virgin when I got married, nor did I get married knowing I was asexual. I had had several "successful" relationships before I married, and had occasional "appropriate" responses to biological stimulation TMI. I thought I was a bit weird in that I didn't really want sexual contact or intimacy, but at the time, just thought I was yeah weird, and that men were just hornier than women, and that it was something I had to put up with to have a relationship. After 22 years of more or less infrequent and not welcome sexual contact, I called a day on the relationship. To be honest, the issues with sex probably fuelled the way we stopped communicating about anything other than household or children. As far as I am aware, my ex never strayed. It is only after leaving, that I have discovered this site, and a reason for my issues. However, my ex did not help, by withdrawing from any reasonable communication, when I withdrew from him sexually. I believe he is the kind of man who, if he had understood me to be asexual and we had discussed it, we could possibly have come to some kind of compromise. Instead he felt like he did all the compromising and I was at fault. I don't accept that me (probably) being asexual is something I should be blamed for. Yes it probably caused the rift, but both of us just thought I was being horrible and abnormal. It's just lack of knowledge, acceptance and communication that are rhe keywords, and those things can be applied to both of us. Before I start divorce proceedings I plan to put it all to him, just in case. We have had some terrible things happen to us as a family, and I would hate him not to know the likely reasons why it didn't work out, in case it could.

But no, i think people just don't realise that this is a valid sexual orientation, especially to a more middle aged generation like mine, driven by so much cultural expectation of what relationships should be about.

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Im a sexual man dating an asexual woman. In my case my girlfriend loves the feeling of sex and the intimacy within it. But she is not one to initiate it (though she has in the past) nor is she one to desire it. I am coming into terms with her being asexual and I do not love her any less. There are times when she comes over and tells me off the bat "I don't wanna have sex"...does this frustrate me? Absolutely but it doesn't make me an animal and I get over it pretty quick, especially since we still cuddle, kiss, hug, etc. Not all sexuals are animals/savages. YES we do crave and desire sex, sometimes more often than we should but as long as we are able to contain ourselves and learn to compromise, that is what will seperate us from sexuals who do act like animals and guilt their partners into sex for that sexual void fullfillment.

I'm an asexual and my husband is sexual and we are similar to this. I love being close to my husband and adore his body and everything about touching because I accept him as a whole sexual person (and because I've always been a touchy person). Yes sometimes it can feel overwhelming when a sexual person loves sex everyday, but people are forgetting that there are sex positive asexuals, who like me, actually like deriving pleasure from our own bodies because we are still capable of enjoying it and can see it as a form of romantic recreation. My husband puts so much effort into me eventually getting pleasure out of it even more than for himself sometimes, and it ends up meaning so much more to me. We have just as much intimacy in conversation as actual. I understand the urge of having sex and like that I can relieve stress from it. The biggest problem we have is that for one it is an immediate desire and for the other it is something that constantly has to be eased into and it can be very draining. But we are almost always in good terms when it comes to our sex lives. I just want people to understand that it is possible and that we can still fulfill each other.

That's all very well but what if the asexual does not recognise the sexual in the same way, i.e. sexuality in the partner does not turn them on and therefore any form of intimacy will be a trigger in which ultimately the feeling of 'togetherness' will always fail? My wife is asexual but does not want to confront it in the possible fear that I will leave her. We have been married for over 30 years and we are still together BECAUSE I love her as a person.

HOWEVER, I am the one who is compromising in terms of sex and she doesn't get any intimacy BECAUSE that would give out the wrong signals as far as she (and me) is concerned. You would be surprised at the number of things that affect a relationship like this: we don't watch any films together involving sex, intimacy and rom coms for example. Okay, I know that to some people this is pretty sad but it was because of certain things that happened in our lives that led us to our present situation. It's really, really difficult to have a sexual/asexual relationship.................just read all the things on these forums that people say! It's best that sexual and asexual people do not have a relationship in the first place,in my view. Let the two identities be separate forever and save the anguish and pain on both sides.

Just as an aside, for people born of a certain generation, there was no information about asexuality. If a woman didn't like sex she was deemed to be 'frigid'. I was told by my mother on meeting my first love(I was about 13 at the time) that I should look for all the things that a relationship should be about, except sex. She was right in a way because my relationship is still going and my wife ticks all those boxes. But at a cost. If only we both knew who we were when we met and talked about it. :(

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  • 2 months later...
Phantasmal Fingers

What about banning "The Banning Game" in Aven Arcade?

It's a disgusting, deeply offensive thread which should be locked immediately! The worst troll on it is called mole.

Personally, I can't believe the mods have allowed this thread to go on for as long as it has.

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What about banning "The Banning Game" in Aven Arcade?

It's a disgusting, deeply offensive thread which should be locked immediately! The worst troll on it is called mole.

Personally, I can't believe the mods have allowed this thread to go on for as long as it has.

I'm not quite sure how this is related to the thread, but perhaps you would have better luck bringing this complaint to a mod?

Edit: I'm honestly more confused by the fact that when I went to see what the game was, you seem to frequently play yourself. I'm going to assume if your complaint was serious (which honestly I can't tell at this point), your concerns have since been addressed.

Edited by Lydian
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I agree it isnt fair to forcce sexuals into celibacy. I know the women I dated felt hurt, rejected and ugly when I didnt want to have sex with them. I did for their sake because it isnt fair of me to demand that of others. Sometimes we need to remember that like 98% of the world are sexuals of some persuasion

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Great post, I really helps to understand the relationship from both sides.

Something I'd like to point out is that sometimes even if you compromise with your sexual partner's needs, it is not enough. And like the post said, even if you love them and are willing to make an effort it doesn't mean it will work. 

For a sexual, sex is much more than a physical activity in a relationship it carries a lot of emotional weight as well and for some, knowing that their partner doesn't feel that way is too much to handle and they shouldn't be shamed nor blamed because of that.

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Phantasmal Fingers

There's no way I'm stopping the blame game all by myself. In any case it's all your fault for starting it!

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I agree with most everything the OP said. However I think it is important to point out that if anyone is pressuring you to have sex with them, saying that you need to because you're in a romantic relationship, they are not your friend. That is not consent. 

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  • 1 month later...

This reply may not be popular but I feel it's a fair comment to make. The post says a sexual has the right to desire and ask for sex, an asexual has the right to refuse. I don't advocate non consensual sex in any way shape or form but.. when you begin a relationship there is an absolute right to expect it to contain sex.  A sexual would never enter a relationship knowingly if it wasn't going to contain sex. It is perfectly normal for relationships to equal a sex life. Sex is normal, perfectly healthy and generally enhances a relationship. Is it not a little unrealistic and somewhat unreasonable not to unveil this from the start of the relationship or the second you become aware of your asexuality so as to give some the right to look for another lifestyle? Is it not a little bit like entering a relationship or worse, marrying someone and then reducing the time you spend together down to nothing or once in a blue moon? Leaving your partner wondering and worrying over why doesn't this person have any time for me and justifying by saying "I'm simply not built that way and have the right to refuse you my time". I'm struggling to identify the difference.

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On 22/11/2016 at 11:38 PM, Eligrace52 said:

I agree with most everything the OP said. However I think it is important to point out that if anyone is pressuring you to have sex with them, saying that you need to because you're in a romantic relationship, they are not your friend. That is not consent. 

You are quite right. However, if you are in an adult relationship and you do nothing but refuse because you are averse to sex, you are not their friend either. You shouldn't expect to enter a MATURE relationship and expect it to remain forever sexless or sexual once in a blue moon. You have to be honest from the word go about who you really are otherwise that is also not true consent either as I for one wouldn't knowingly enter a sexless relationship!

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Anthracite_Impreza

@James121; Not everyone knows they're ace. Most of us have gotten the 'you need to find the right person/activity', even by doctors. Asexuality is still obscure and was even less know before the millennium, so it's not really fair to expect every ace to know they aren't compatible with most people. 

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Just now, Anthracite_Impreza said:

@James121; Not everyone knows they're ace. Most of us have gotten the 'you need to find the right person/activity', even by doctors. Asexuality is still obscure and was even less know before the millennium, so it's not really fair to expect every ace to know they aren't compatible with most people. 

Most people know whether they are gay, bi or straight in their teens. There may be a period of denial which adds delay and in the case of an ace there maybe additional years of delayed identification as it can be explained away as 'slow to sexually mature'. However, the second you enter a mature relationship and you find that you are constantly avoiding sex, you must be able to identify a problem. Maybe not give it a label such as 'asexual' but a problem none the less. 

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On 25/04/2013 at 11:53 PM, RoL34 said:

I don't see how this is such a problem. If you need sex to make a relationship feel complete, then that is your perogative. If sex is something you can never deal with, then you shouldn't feel like you have to do it. A relationship only works if both people are happy, and if people would just be up front about that sort of thing, there wouldn't be so many bitter and broken relationships. It's like wanting kids vs not wanting kids. Even though child rearing is supposed to be a natural desire of humans, nobody blames a person for never wanting to have kids.

I think where a lot of bitterness from avenites comes from though is not partners who need sex to make their relationships work, but people who feel entitled to sex. This is a special kind of sleazebag who thinks their self-worth is tied to how many people they bang, and that anyone who doesn't want to sleep with them are either playing hard to get or have something wrong with them. And this message is shoved down our throats in the media every day. You should WANT to be sexy and bang a lot of chicks or make guys want you, and if you don't, well, you're weird. That kind of attitude is something I really can't forgive.

I need sex in my relationship. It's an important part of the unique connection I love about a relationship. Am I a sleaze bag?

I don't find it weird though for someone not to want sex. I find it weird that someone would want to hide the way they truly feel about sex with their partner which then leads to commitment under false pretences.

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Anthracite_Impreza
14 hours ago, James121 said:

Most people know whether they are gay, bi or straight in their teens. There may be a period of denial which adds delay and in the case of an ace there maybe additional years of delayed identification as it can be explained away as 'slow to sexually mature'. However, the second you enter a mature relationship and you find that you are constantly avoiding sex, you must be able to identify a problem. Maybe not give it a label such as 'asexual' but a problem none the less. 

It's a lot harder to identify a lack of something than having definite feelings. It's often the case aces who don't know they're ace will keep trying to 'fix' themselves even though it is indeed fruitless. Often the partner will try to 'fix' them too rather than split up.

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10 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

It's a lot harder to identify a lack of something than having definite feelings. It's often the case aces who don't know they're ace will keep trying to 'fix' themselves even though it is indeed fruitless. Often the partner will try to 'fix' them too rather than split up.

Ah I gotcha. Trying to fix something when you don't know what is wrong or even if something is wrong can take time. I can see that. I guess the main thing is that during that period you must but honest and it's probably not a good idea to marry someone.

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cosmicharvest

Amazing post... my partner and I just went through this. Communication and trust are super important in relationships, especially when it comes to things like this.

 

It can be extremely hard for both partners to wrap their minds around each other's feelings toward sex. But it is highly necessary to have the tough conversations about sex with them. Doing things you dont want to sexually can cause uneccessary resentment. And for some sexuals, a lack of sex can make them feel unwanted and unfulfilled. Like you said, they desire not just the physical aspect but also the emotional connection. That said, I like to try and find ways to connect in that way without doing anything that makes either of us feel uncomfortable. 

 

Communicating about these things can really fortify a relationship. Let your differences make you stronger.

 

Great read, thanks for posting. It really hit home.

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On 19/03/2016 at 7:51 PM, MrDane said:

I'm sexual

My wife is asexual, but we have some sex!

If I masturbate 10 times:

8 times will be 'meh... It was ok, nice'

1 time will be 'OMG, how pathetic! Why can't we just have sex? I feel so lonely!'

1 time will be 'pfui! That was sooo good! I love my wife and she loves me, but good thing I have this! I might do this tomorrow again!..or if I'm really lucky she might do it with me!'

What do you class as 'some sex' and when did she discover her asexuality if you don't mind me asking?

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19 hours ago, James121 said:

What do you class as 'some sex' and when did she discover her asexuality if you don't mind me asking?

I dont mind.

Some is scheduled to once every fourteen days, usually with an outspoken "I could use a 'date' soon" from me. (And back then it could feel more cold and full of 'no, please, dont touch me there, removing my hands...' and today it is a little bit like a utual agreement which is clearly for my sake, but when it happens within her accepted timeframe, then she can relax and enjoy the parts which she likes. Its just that we have to take out the lust and expectation out of the equation.

Before she realised/accepted her asexuality, it was much harder and frequency were less. Perhaps once every three weeks with some rejections in between. It took her 10+ years with me, before realizing. ...and I kept thinking other things were "wrong" (stress, worries about mortgage, kids migth wake up, neighbours, big day tomorrow, in love with someone else, me smelling, me stupid, me wrong...)

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On 6/25/2013 at 9:58 PM, daisylove said:

Ive already mentioned this a number of times in the very very brief time that I have been a member here, but as someone who has "compromised" by having sex because it was expected/wanted/requested,however you choose to phrase it, it was never a good or bonding experience.

When you see asexuals react, I think its important to note that many of us feel that it is and always will be US that are expected to compromise, otherwise we would basically be with another asexual.

This is what I dont get about asexuals that choose to have sex. You're basically rendering your asexuality moot. To me its almost like a gay person forcing themselves to be with the opposite sex because there arent many gays in their area/vicinity.

Sorry if that offends anyone. Its not intended to.

I don't think that's the same thing because most gays are homoromantic and homosexual, while most aces have split attraction. From what I understand, incompatible romantic orientation seems to be the big dealbreaker for mixed relationships, not incompatible sexual orientation. I read a really informative piece by a gay guy married to a straight woman who said the hardest part for him was not feeling like he could get the level of emotional intimacy he craved from his wife, and how she wanted more emotional intimacy from him than he really could feel for her. The fact that he wasn't sexually attracted to her seemed to be a secondary issue.   

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  • 2 weeks later...
On April 25, 2013 at 5:10 PM, MXC said:

I think that sex can be very important on an intimacy level for sexual people, and the reason why they can get resentful is not because they only care about sex but probably because is like negate them the level of intimacy their "emotional relationship" needs to feel close to the other person. in a way is like keeping them on a distance.

on the other side putting pressure in an asexual partner can kill the joy or desire they may get from sex when they decide to go for it. if you know your partner will respect your choice on the moment you'll feel more relaxed, while if you feel every attempt to intimacy like a "war" you have to fight, always been on a defensive mode it will only make intimacy uncomfortable.

finding the right balance is really hard and probably love is not enough. giving someone else the blame never helped in any kind of relationship, it is always 50/50, and sometimes no one is to blame but life.

hope it makes sense :)

Exactly! Which is why it's always frustrating for me to realize that I have a crush and actually scary when someone seems to reciprocate. Because I generally assume everyone is sexual unless they make it clear that they're not (not a great habit, but it's a coping mechanism). So I think about what would happen if we were in a relationship, and whether or not I'd be willing to have sex, and even if I would have sex for their sake it doesn't seem like it'd be enough of a bond for them, like I couldn't please them in the way that they deserve. (Not in that I'd be bad at the physical aspect, IDK on that part, I mean the attraction and excitement of sex would be absent). Moreover, and this might sound a bit dumb, but I never really paid much attention to all the advice adults/friends would give about relationships and sex, so jumping in blindfolded so to speak for my partner would be really scary on multiple levels. 

The thing that always depresses me about being asexual is that it's hard to communicate with allosexuals the isolation that I feel sometimes. I love my family and my friends, but the idea of a special someone is hard to reconcile with the knowledge that I might never be enough for them. And I can't just expect other people to understand my problem. Sure, it's not a big purposeful injustice like larger human rights issues for the LGBT+ community which get more attention because they are more straightforward (not easy, just straightforward) to combat by passing a policy. In my mind that's good because we set clear goals to accomplish so progress can be measured in milestones. But there's a hard uphill climb for day-to-day living because laws don't always define how people act. It's hard to live with being alone and invisible, knowing that no matter what you do your family or friends may never understand you or why you're unhappy. That's something tons of queer people worry about and live with every day, and that's why I think aces should always be counted as part of the LGBT+ community. Excuse my digression, please!

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  • 2 weeks later...

@Tirnanog

I feel exactly the same sometimes. 

Just like I will never understand how sex can be such a vital thing for most people, I know that my friends and family will never be able to understand how it cannot be. It's lonely and scary sometimes. 

And for me the worst thing about it is that my partner, who is sexual, will also never really understand. Yes, communication, compromise and respect can make a perfectly happy relationship but I think this is one thing we will not be able to fully explain to one another ever. 

 

I have to admit I feel guilty sometimes because of it, because I cannot understand this desire and because I cannot act on it. 

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came here specifically for this advice. thank you everyone! sometimes i find it hard to see outside my head and being reminded to bring it back to the basics is just what i needed. (:

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