Queer Platonic Life Partner

[LadyElain]

Not entirely sure how to go about this, but I have a few minor questions. To start I should say that I am in a semi-serious QP relationship with my best friend of ten years. We've been in the relationship for a little more than a year.

She is Asexual and Aromantic. She is also quiet and reserved about her feelings and what she wants. We've known eachother since we were kids and have stayed close even after I moved away from the small town we grew up in.

I'm not entirely sure what I am, I am sexual to some degree or another, but for many years I was asexual and have only recently (eight months ago) developed a libido. Eight months ago I entered a brief and dramatic sexual relationship that had me question who I was and what I wanted. During the relationship, and before my QPLP was extremely jealous of the person I was dating and he was extremely jealous of my QPLP.

Question number one; How do I show my QPLP that I am serious about our relationship without pressing too much on her? She’s awkward with feeling (as am I) and tends to clam up at the mention of them. Though we have recently got to the point where we both semi freely say ‘I love you’, I still don’t want to push her past her limits. I want her to know that she’s my #1 without it being a big spectacle that would make her uncomfortable.

Question number two; I would like at some point, in the distant future, to have a healthy sexual (maybe romantic) relationship with someone else. As we are in a nonsexual nonromantic relationship how would I fit that kind of relationship in without breaking her trust in me.

[R_1]

Can someone please tell me what the heck QPLP means?

[LadyElain]

Queer Platonic Life Partner- Queerplatonic – One type of non-romantic relationship where there is an intense emotional connection going beyond what is traditionally thought of as friendship.

[Toph]

A QPLP is what I hope to have someday. I think I can answer question one, two is outside of my understanding.

You could try bringing it up as a "by the way, I feel like this" sort of thing. Maybe have a day out together, with the focus being on something other than your feelings (kites, museums, termite social structure) and just come out and say it without much build up or prelude that might make her feel nervous. It might even be a good idea to mention what you've said here - that you don't want her to feel pressured, and you just want her to know how you feel.

[Guest]

Toph's advice on question one is good. I'm all in for expressing such feelings in unobtrusive ways. If you two can tell "I love you" to each other, then there should be no problem in adding "and you're always number one for me" to it.

Speaking of question two, I'd say once again talking is the key. If and when you find someone you want to be with in a sexual and/or romantic manner, talk with her about it. Make it clear you're not leaving her and that the two relationships won't overlap and neither of them will replace the other, or make it any less important. Same goes for your potential sexual/romantic partner. That should work :)

[LadyElain]

Thank you for the advise. I'm going to be visiting her on Saturday and staying with her for a few weeks. I'm really excited about this as we haven't gotten to spend much time together in the 10 months. I'm hoping that during this trip we'll be able to talk a bit more and maybe think more about the future. I’ll try to plan a date as it’s been awhile since we went on one. Hopeful that will be a good prelude to our conversation.

In actuality I don't know if/when I will be entering another sexual relationship. I've only ever been attracted to the one person in that way and our relationship was chaos. It was extremely dramatic and the attraction was intense but also short lived. I have since not felt attraction like that and have been largely uninterested in being with someone again. I don't entirely know what that person meant for/to me, but I'm going to give it more time before I reanalyze my sexuality.

[Guest]

Have a good date and be sure to have fun ^_^

You don't need to figure out what your sexuality is at any given time in your life, if you don't want to - go with what you feel is best for you. It doesn't have to be a committed relationship, if you don't want one. Many people are fine with having friends with benefits or just occasional sexual partners, if you would want something that doesn't have romance in it. Don't rush it, things will eventually settle down on their own.

[banana monkey]

i dont know if i can be of much help but i feel i should make a small point here. I dont know how but somehow you need to talk to her about what the boundaries of your relationship are. (maybe this will lead to how you feel about her but doesnt have to.) specifically, is she ok with you having another relationship as well as the one you have together. I only say that because whilst i have desired a QP relationship like the one you describe, I desire it as an alternative to another exclusive relationship. (ie, because I am asexual and aromantic I dont look for a sexual or romantic partner but if I am entering into a QP relationship the other person would be my partner and by that word indicate some exclusivity but i suppose I am monogamous and i know some people are polygamous so i suppose my question is, which is your QP. I do have QP feelings for one of my friends but we have not decided to be QP partners (ie be in a relationship) so therefore either of us are free to have relationships with others. We are more than friends but not in a relationship. I may get slightly jealous when my friend is in a relationship with another girl but im ok with it because i have realised through it that i dont want a relationship with him. I suppose my point in all my ramble is that if I find a relationship which is a queerplatonic ( rather than someone i have qp feelings for but am not in a relatonship with) the relationship for me would be my parallel to a romantic relationship and would carry just as much importance as such and therefore I would feel that it would be wrong for either of us to have other relationships/ partners and to do so would break our trust in each other greatly and therefore if my partner wanted another relationship to meet romantic or sexual need I would end our platonic relationship. (like i say though this is probably because i am monogomous and polygomous people probably have an entirely different viewpoint so you need to find out what your partners values on the issue are) Sorry, i know that probably is not what you want to hear or of much help to you but its my opinion.

[LadyElain]

@SilverKitsune

I agree completely. I rushed into a sexual relationship without even thinking about it and it wasn't what was right for me. If/when there is a next time I won't make the same mistake.

@banana monkey

To be honest that is not what I wanted to hear, but I'm glad you said it. I suppose there is more to the story then I have put here. I was the one that originally found an article of QP relationships. After finded it I did a fair amount of research trying to learn more about it as I thought it rather clearly defined my feeling for my at the time best friend. So I shared the article with her and she agreed and we half-jokingly agreed to enter a QP relationship. Over summer we spent a lot of time together as I had moved back to the small town we grew up in. During this time we went to a lot of family and community events and we both began to see it wasn't so much of a joke, as we pretty much acted like a couple. It wasn't until I began to date 'A' that I realized how much I wasn't joking about the QP relationship. At the point I am right now I don't know how serious my QPLP is about our relationship, but I do think that dating 'A' broke her trust to a degree (Though I have only recently looking back realized that). I guess to a degree I'm worried about putting myself out there and her not wanting the same things. In the past I've never had to put myself out there to be rejected and I'm damned scared of it for the first time in my life.

[Guest]

Was it because your QP partner didn't know you were dating that person sexually/romantically, or something else? Have you actually given for granted that your queerplatonic relationship could coexist with a romantic relationship on both sides? Some people actually want queerplatonic relationships to be exclusive, in that the partners should not be tied to anyone else on a deep level, just like it is in most monogamous romantic relationships. If she felt let down or hurt by that, then she probably cares about your relationship more than you think. Some talking is in order, I think, but fear not - everything should get fixed thereafter :)

[Philiarocks]

Hi LadyElaine,

I would like to reaffirm all that has been said above-- like in any other relationship, communication is key. Talk to your partner, and try to be honest. I know what it's like to be with someone who isn't the most comfortable talking about feelings, but it is important to get everything out in the open, even if it's hard. Be true to yourself-- nobody knows you like you do. If you're not honest, you can end up getting hurt. However, I also think you're doing the right thing by being so courteous of her feelings... It can pay to think before speaking, because you don't want to overwhelm her. And make it clear that is not your intention, and that it's ok if she doesn't want the same things you want. Does that make sense?

As far as maintaining romantic or sexual relationships... Like banana monkey said, I think it's important to be clear about boundaries and feelings. I'm happily married, but my wife knows that I only have romantic and sexual feelings for her. So she has no problem that I'm in a platonic relationship with my best friend: she knows that my love for my friend doesn't diminish my love for her. I've tried really hard to include my friend in my family, and it is working out beautifully, due to a lot of patience, understanding and love by all parties involved. Bringing my friend into our lives was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm not saying this to try to bignote myself, just to say that it is possible.

I wish you and your partner all the very best.