Considering an Open Marriage. Advice is Welcome.

[KittenPuff]

My husband of 9 years (we've been together for 12) has asked me if we can open our marriage. He is hyper-sexual and I am asexual (didn't know what I was until recently; I thought I had something wrong with me that could be fixed, but I don't and it can't). I've never understood sex and he's been interested in it since he was about 7 years old--add to that his proclivity for BDSM, and we have the entirety of the single, solitary problem in our relationship. It's a fairly large problem, but otherwise we are really great together and love each other very much, which is why we got married even though we were aware of this unevenness in our sexualities from the start (and I thought I could be "fixed").

I have secretly wished for several years that he would be able to get his sexual needs met outside our marriage, but I was also afraid he would eventually leave me. We have joked about shopping for a sister wife. He has said he also needs an emotional relationship with this other person, but (for now) insists that he wants to remain married to me. I hope that is true, but we will see how things pan out. I just know we can't continue to make each other miserable over sex. He has met someone online with whom he thinks he can get what he doesn't get from me.

I am struggling with how to approach this. I am slow to understand what I'm feeling and have a hard time predicting how I might react to situations. I have never been a very jealous person, but I do tend to blame myself and see myself as not good enough. These are the feelings I've been having since our discussion a few days ago. The only boundaries I have felt I want to put on this situation are 1) when he's home with me, I want him home with me--not texting, talking, or messaging her; 2) don't get her pregnant (we have been unsuccessful in that department and I might completely lose my mind, and it would be completely unfair to the child who never asked to be part of this confusing situation). Are these reasonable requests?

My other concerns are:
1) We live in a pretty small city where I like to say there are 3 degrees of separation, so everybody doesn't know everybody, but they know somebody you know. We frequently run into people we know when we are out and about. If he is dating this girl, which is what he wants to do, they will be seen out together. I don't know how much I want anyone else to know about this.

2) How much contact, if any, do I want with her? She has expressed her desire to not ruin our marriage and I think would like to meet me. Can I handle that? I feel like I should try. I think more of a "sister-wife" relationship would make me and her more comfortable with sharing my husband. Of course, I also feel the need for my status as "first wife" to be respected. I've clearly watched too much "Big Love."

3) He has a guy friend he can talk to about this and will possibly have a girlfriend to talk to as well. None of my friends would understand. I feel very alone when I think of that.

4) His past history with women is littered with crazies. Will she try to burn my house down? With me in it?

5) I'm also a little sad that he is getting the thrill of a new relationship and I am not. It doesn't feel like a lot of sadness, but when he starts seeming happy and twitterpated, I think I might be more than a little jealous of him (not of her, oddly).

Who can say what will come of this? Still, I feel we've exhausted all other possible solutions to our dilemma. I don't know what else to do. If it works it works and if it doesn't it doesn't. It won't be the end of the world and, like every other disappointment in my life, I will survive it. I just can't continue to have sex when I don't want to and deprive him of sex when he wants it. Neither of us is happy with things the way they are.

[Guest]

Well, that's a deal of awkward to deal with. I feel for you for having to go through this :(

I believe your requests are more than just reasonable, you're not even asking him much of anything aside from some due attention when you two are together, and avoiding step children. Wouldn't know what to say about other people - if anyone actually asks, I'd say going for the truth would be the best; seeing how you and your husband agreed on this should peace everyone out. Maybe meeting up with this person would be a good idea; the fact she said she doesn't want to ruin your marriage makes me think she's not the kind of person who does things behind other people's back, and that should help. You might even get some help and company from her. You cannot know from the start whether she's crazy or not - give people a chance :) good luck

[The Great WTF]

My pet and I have an open relationship with the option of polyamory if we find someone that we can both agree on. Given the fact that I'm an introverted, antisocial bitch, we probably won't end up with a full-on three way relationship any time soon, but I'm more than open to having some kind of at least acquantianceship (is that a word?) with any partner he might choose. I'd be more comfortable knowing them and knowing a little bit about them if for no other reason than we both know my partner is a horrible judge of character.

I wish I had some advice to give, but the pet's never found someone suitable for anything more than a one night stand. We haven't had to exapand beyond that, but there are peple here on AVEN that hopefully will be able to give you a little bit of insight. The best I can tell you for now is to be completely open and honest with both of them if you can. If you start to feel uncomfortable, make it known and keep an open mind when trying to work through it with him, or them, if needed. If you think you're not getting enough time with him, tell him. If she's doing something that worries you, make it known.

[sound_the_bugle]

If it makes you happy, I say go for it. Of course, you've obviously got some (totally acceptable) anxieties to work out. I myself would be concerned with my partner having an intense emotional connection to his extramarital partner, but if you're okay with it, then you are.

I otherwise agree with Silver up there. They made a lot of very good points that I totally agree with.

In any case, I wish you luck, and help from people more helpful than me.

[LaFemme]

Maybe you can try to find an asexual man.

This is maybe also a pleasurable experience for you creating a platonic relationship, deeply friendship with an asexual man.

And it would be more fair, balanced.

Otherwise I wish you an happy (tr)end. ^_^

[Calla]

I think your two primary boundaries are valid. Researching polyamory, rather than open marriages, might lead you in insightful directions. Also consider that this might open the door to new relationships for you, too (they don't have to be sexual).

Regarding people in your small town seeing your husband out with his new interest, here are some options to consider: just don't care what others think/say (can be easier said than done), consider a boundary about public displays of affection between the two, so that from the outside it just looks like friendship, consider a boundary of them going out in a different physical location (I have friends that opened their marriage and all that activity happens about an hour away from their hometown).

Regarding not having anyone to talk to about this, see above point about new relationships for you. Also, your current circle(s) of friends might be more supportive than you think. Start with one person and see how it goes. The people that have approached me with similar news have sometimes surprised me, but it's NEVER changed our friendship.

As a side note, when I'm facing a big change that is causing me anxiety, I try to keep reframing it as an adventure, to help me go with the flow.

Welcome!

[Guest]

I don't have much to add, except in regards to being jealous of him - do you have the open option of finding a romantic/emotional secondary ? If so, you could maybe look into that if it's something you two want to do.

[KittenPuff]

We live in a geographically largish metro area in the semi-southern (conservative, nosy, and judgmental) US. Going an hour in any direction would be either farmland or the other side of town. The nearest other city is one where a good friend of his lives and I have some friends there, too. He does have female friends who he hangs out with that aren't romantic interests. He has brought "dates" to my concerts (I sing in a choir) and has someone I've dubbed his "gun girlfriend" (she's into shooting more than I am). He also has a shitload of sense and decency, so I imagine he will keep the PDA to a minimum. We are not super affectionate in public, but I always assumed that was down to me not being very affectionate in general. I guess my fear that people will see them together is really kind of silly and paranoid, since I have no problem with these other women. Of course, I know them, too, which is why it might be good for me to meet this chick and maybe we can be on friendly terms. I mostly don't want people to see them together and assume I don't know and then feel sorry for me. On the other hand, I don't really want to make this public. We both have many acquaintances who we see around. I probably could tell people close to me, but it's these acquaintances that I guess I'm worried about. As I indicated in my post, "Big Love" is my main point of reference here... both in how to handle polyamorous relationships and the fear of being found out.

I don't know if I want to pursue a secondary or just have more time with my girlfriends. I find it difficult to believe there would be anyone nearby interested in such a thing and have no idea how to go about finding them. It would make things easier if I had something fun to do while he's on dates with her, though.

Thank you all for being so welcoming and supportive! I'd found this site several years ago, but was in denial about my asexuality in an effort to fix this between him and me so I didn't spend a lot of time here. Now that we are trying something new, I feel like I can claim it and figure out what it means for me. I will probably be spending a lot of time here now.

[Notte stellata]

The only boundaries I have felt I want to put on this situation are 1) when he's home with me, I want him home with me--not texting, talking, or messaging her; 2) don't get her pregnant (we have been unsuccessful in that department and I might completely lose my mind, and it would be completely unfair to the child who never asked to be part of this confusing situation). Are these reasonable requests?

Yeah, these seem very reasonable. Besides pregnancy, STD is another thing to think about. You may want your husband to have protected sex with the other woman, or make sure she's clean and doesn't have other partners.

1) We live in a pretty small city where I like to say there are 3 degrees of separation, so everybody doesn't know everybody, but they know somebody you know. We frequently run into people we know when we are out and about. If he is dating this girl, which is what he wants to do, they will be seen out together. I don't know how much I want anyone else to know about this.

I second callandora's suggestion above. I don't think going an hour away is necessary - they can just do intimate things in private, like at her place or in a hotel room.

2) How much contact, if any, do I want with her? She has expressed her desire to not ruin our marriage and I think would like to meet me. Can I handle that? I feel like I should try. I think more of a "sister-wife" relationship would make me and her more comfortable with sharing my husband. Of course, I also feel the need for my status as "first wife" to be respected. I've clearly watched too much "Big Love."

It's up to you. Some poly people try to befriend their metamours, some don't want to meet them at all. Personally I think it's better to at least meet her and get to know her a bit, because you may get into a situation in the future where you need to talk to her about things in your poly relationship.

3) He has a guy friend he can talk to about this and will possibly have a girlfriend to talk to as well. None of my friends would understand. I feel very alone when I think of that.

Again, as callandora said, you'll never know if you don't try. :) I have monogamous friends who totally support my choice to be poly. Even if your friends really can't understand, you can still talk to us here on AVEN. :)

4) His past history with women is littered with crazies. Will she try to burn my house down? With me in it?

From what you said about this woman, she seems quite reasonable. If you worry about the kind of partners your husband chooses, there's another reason you'd better meet and get to know them. Also keep an open and honest communication with your husband. State your concern as it arises.

5) I'm also a little sad that he is getting the thrill of a new relationship and I am not. It doesn't feel like a lot of sadness, but when he starts seeming happy and twitterpated, I think I might be more than a little jealous of him (not of her, oddly).

As others have said, you have the freedom to have other relationships too. It's not easy for two people in an open/poly relationship to find other partners at roughly the same time. If you want to look for other partners, you may try poly-friendly dating sites like OkCupid, but speaking from personal experience, dating as a poly ace is extremely difficult. The best approach is not intentionally looking IMO. Spending more time with your friends and/or making new friends is a good option. Sometimes love grows out of friendship when you're least expecting it. :)

[Guest]

I could post something, but I'd just end up repeating starry and callandora... :D

From your opening post, it seems like your starting position is hopeful enough - communication between you looks good, you have a reasonably clear idea of your hard-limit boundaries, and you both want to open the 'ship. Wishing you, your hubby, and whoever else you choose to invite into your love tapestry all the best!

[TG-G]

I guess it's just because of my age, but if I were in your position, I would ask for a divorce. It would be very insulting to me if my spouse were sexually active with someone else or multiple partners.

However, I'm extremely open minded when it comes to others' situations. If you truly love him, I think you should work it out. I do think it will be difficult, but if he's worth it, then just try.

[KittenPuff]

I guess it's just because of my age, but if I were in your position, I would ask for a divorce. It would be very insulting to me if my spouse were sexually active with someone else or multiple partners.

However, I'm extremely open minded when it comes to others' situations. If you truly love him, I think you should work it out. I do think it will be difficult, but if he's worth it, then just try.

I hear what you're saying. I'm in my 40s and was raised with very traditional values. My parents are still married and living in the house I grew up in. When we said our vows, we both meant "'til death do us part." Neither of us is interested in a divorce. We are very happy together except for the sex thing. Sex is so unimportant to me that I don't feel any different about him seeking it elsewhere than I do with him pursuing other interests that we don't share. I am more concerned about him wanting to leave me altogether. If it comes to that, we will deal with it then. Until then, I want to be happy and I want him to be happy. I do better in a relationship than I do on my own. It took a long time for me to find someone I click with so well on ever level except the one I will not be able to click with ANYONE on. We are a good balance to each other. We are really good together.

If he could have unattached sex with a stranger, it would make me feel better. But he needs an emotional attachment, so I support him in that. If it keeps him happy and keeps me from having to do things I really don't want to do, I'm willing to try it. For years I've been going through the motions and neither of us is happy. Our communication hasn't been great, but I think this will force us to be more open. Now that we've talked about our situation and been honest about who we are, I think we can move forward in a healthy and mutually beneficial way. If divorce is in our future, then it is. But I want to exhaust all other options before even considering that one.

I don't think it's fair for me to insist that he continue to deprive himself of something that is so much a part of who he is so that I can feel safe. I have felt so much guilt and anguish about my disinterest in sex and I am ready to not feel that way anymore. I think I've wanted this longer than he has. I'm tired of dreading him touching me because I know where it will lead. I'm tired of feeling like I can't touch him because I know where it will lead. I'm tired of shutting him down all the time and knowing that I am hurting him for my own comfort. He has endured a lot of rejection and pain and only rarely has he talked to me about how hard it is for him. It's time for a compromise that doesn't make me feel sick and make him feel miserable all the time. If this doesn't work out, at least I will know we tried everything.

[Amedot]

I recommend listening to Dan Savage's Savage Lovecast, a podcast that addresses sex and relationship problems. He has some great advice about opening up marriages.

Why don't you try a swinger's club? Swinger's clubs are normally filled with married (normally hetero-) couples in the 30s-40s, who want to have sex outside the marriage but don't want emotional entanglement and drama. Many people prefer to have regular partners to swing with... They can build an emotional connection (more of a friends-with-benefits scenario), but still have their marriages as a top priority. It's less risky compared to seeking a single lady for sex, who might have ulterior motives and want to disrupt your marriage.

[Sally]

. It's less risky compared to seeking a single lady for sex, who might have ulterior motives and want to disrupt your marriage.

Or actually fall in love and want to be a couple, which is probably more typical than simply wanting to disrupt a marriage.

[Amedot]

. It's less risky compared to seeking a single lady for sex, who might have ulterior motives and want to disrupt your marriage.

Or actually fall in love and want to be a couple, which is probably more typical than simply wanting to disrupt a marriage.

That is what I meant... I have difficulties with my words sometimes.

[KittenPuff]

Why don't you try a swinger's club? Swinger's clubs are normally filled with married (normally hetero-) couples in the 30s-40s, who want to have sex outside the marriage but don't want emotional entanglement and drama. Many people prefer to have regular partners to swing with... They can build an emotional connection (more of a friends-with-benefits scenario), but still have their marriages as a top priority. It's less risky compared to seeking a single lady for sex, who might have ulterior motives and want to disrupt your marriage.

He's not interested in non-emotional sex. He's actually starting to think he's capable of polyamory. He's already found someone he might be interested in. She really doesn't want to be a home wrecker and wants to meet with me to be sure he's not lying to her about my blessing on this arrangement. I would much rather get to know her and be friendly with her myself than have him meeting strangers out at who knows where. *His* greatest fear in this is that *I* will get fed up and leave him. We both understand that the two of them may fall in love and want to be together--which may or may not count me out of the equation. The remotest possibility of her possibly wanting to have a kid with him in the far, far future put me over the edge last night (I mentioned above my issues with that particular scenario). I have gone over and over the potential consequences and I really feel like anything is better than how it's been. Even if that means my life with him is irrevocably altered or even over.

My attitude about this has me wondering if I might have connection issues. I like being in a romantic relationship, so I don't think I'm aromatic, but I've always been able to let go of relationships pretty easily. My attitude has always been, "If he doesn't want to be with me, why dwell on it? I can't fix that, so it's best to move on." I'm unhappy about it. I miss the guy. I feel alone. But I'm not going to spend too much energy on trying to get him back. Of course, my husband has been my life for a lot longer than any boyfriends ever have. And those other guys chose to leave me over the lack of sex. My husband wants very much to stay. So much so that he is willing to take this frightening step, the potential consequences of which fill him with dread. Of course, he also has hope. And he's been cheerful and happy the last few days in the flush of new relationship possibilities, which I have mixed feelings about. We have had some difficult--but very good and much needed--conversations.

We talked last night and I referred him to the Partners/Friends/Allies section of this site. We had a very honest discussion about our sexualities. We are on opposite ends of the libido spectrum. He could go 5-6 times a day. I would find 5-6 times a year excessive. He has the additional quirk of being kinky and into BDSM, which makes trust and honesty extremely important between him and any sexual partner. I feel like we are in a very specific and unusual situation here. He's been talking to this prospective girl online and via text for several days. She sounds very stable, intelligent, and thoughtful. They are meeting face-to-face for the first time tonight. I was hoping to be able to meet up with my girlfriends tonight and tell them a little bit because things are bound to get back to them somehow, with us living in a smallish community and connected even more with people in town through Facebook. So he may not know someone he sees when he's out, but they may know me and know what he looks like. He has already discovered that her best friend is a babysitter for some of our friends. So no PDA for them. We definitely don't want our families to know. This modern age is so marvelous and complicated...

Anyway, back to my girlfriends. I asked for girl time. I will be getting girls-and-their-kids time. Can't really have this conversation with the kids around (aged 6-14). :( I don't know what to do. I really don't want to have this conversation over Facebook messaging or text or 5 separate telephone conversations.

Thank you all for your support and insight. You really are helping me figure out what my expectations and needs are here, as well as helping me hash out my feelings about all of this! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

[Arctangent]

I don't have any advice for you, but I want to say I really admire the thoughtful, open-minded, and reasonable approach you're taking to all this. It seems to be an unusual and difficult situation. I sincerely hope you're able to work out a suitable arrangement that meets both you and your husband's needs. :)

[KittenPuff]

Now my most immediate concern is about this evening. My friend's daughter (we basically have an aunt/niece relationship) found out today that her favorite teacher was arrested today for sexual abuse. They found her in a car in a park with a 14 year old boy who is her student. She is 24. This will probably be the focus of conversation tonight and I am really not looking forward to steering things from that to my situation. I really do not understand why sex is worth ruining lives and careers over.

My husband is nervous about his date. It's actually kind of cute if I don't over-analyze it.

[Guest]

Now my most immediate concern is about this evening. My friend's daughter (we basically have an aunt/niece relationship) found out today that her favorite teacher was arrested today for sexual abuse. They found her in a car in a park with a 14 year old boy who is her student. She is 24. This will probably be the focus of conversation tonight and I am really not looking forward to steering things from that to my situation. I really do not understand why sex is worth ruining lives and careers over.

My husband is nervous about his date. It's actually kind of cute if I don't over-analyze it.

Usually with predation like that it isn't about sex so much as power. I doubt your friends will link the two events at all if they are both discussed in a night.

[KittenPuff]

The friends thing went well since of the 4 I contacted, only 2 responded and the one who wouldn't understand didn't show. My best friend not only showed up physically, but emotionally and spiritually, too. She is the BEST person I know. I love her so much. She texted me this morning to see how I was feeling and to say, "I'm there for your till the day I die." <3 My husband was worried she would hate him and sent her a message thanking her for being such a good friend to me. She responded kindly to his message and said she loves us both. That all went really well. Another friend who I think will be really supportive lives out of town and I will see her next weekend. I think I will only tell these two friends.

So my evening went well. My poor husband, however, got cancelled on so after all his nervousness about meeting her, it didn't happen. He was so upset and I felt bad for him. I'm touched that he's comfortable coming to me with his disappointment and surprised at my calm and supportive responses. He's still nervous and couldn't eat today. I am really really surprised about how not jealous I am about this right now. I'm doing my best to cheer him up and take his mind off it, but it's not easy. He's having a hard time. I'm kind of proud of myself for how I'm handling it. I hope I don't melt down later, but I'm pretty sure I'm being honest with myself about how I'm feeling. I think I feel okay.

You all are awesome!

[Notte stellata]

I'm glad that your friend is so supportive and you're handling the whole thing very well so far! You should be proud of yourself.

I don't know if you've heard of the concept "compersion", which is basically the opposite of jealousy. It probably sounds crazy to most people, but it's possible to achieve, and definitely a beautiful feeling.

[KittenPuff]

I don't know if you've heard of the concept "compersion", which is basically the opposite of jealousy. It probably sounds crazy to most people, but it's possible to achieve, and definitely a beautiful feeling.

Yay! I love learning new words and expanding my vocabulary! Thanks. :D

[KittenPuff]

Compersion is also much nicer than schadenfreude.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I'm glad that your friend is so supportive and you're handling the whole thing very well so far! You should be proud of yourself.

I don't know if you've heard of the concept "compersion", which is basically the opposite of jealousy. It probably sounds crazy to most people, but it's possible to achieve, and definitely a beautiful feeling.

To give you an idea of how far this can go...

I had a dream last night that I met someone who was in a relationship with someone else, and we got along great and she told me she was falling for me and considered leaving her relationship to be with me. Then I felt sad about that and encouraged her to stick with it, because I could tell it was bringing happiness to her life, and it felt wrong to me that she has to throw that away to be with me. It felt right to me to want her to keep that source of love, as well as get love from me too.

Of course, yeah, logistics and all, for sure, in real life there is a lot of stuff to work out in these kinds of relationships. But the mindset is what really counts. Defeating that internal knee-jerk jealous urge to grasp romantic love exclusively. It can be done. Eventually it becomes first nature. Then it all comes down to the logistics. :D

[Arctic Fox]

I don't know if you've heard of the concept "compersion", which is basically the opposite of jealousy. It probably sounds crazy to most people, but it's possible to achieve, and definitely a beautiful feeling.

I had a dream last night that I met someone who was in a relationship with someone else, and we got along great and she told me she was falling for me and considered leaving her relationship to be with me. Then I felt sad about that and encouraged her to stick with it, because I could tell it was bringing happiness to her life, and it felt wrong to me that she has to throw that away to be with me. It felt right to me to want her to keep that source of love, as well as get love from me too.

Awww, you guys are gonna make me cry. I love this.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I should add something: what I'm talking about personally is actually based more on "mudita" meditation. So it's not necessarily about romantic love and about partners, but can be directed at pretty much anyone - and at anything that makes them happy. Friends, family, pets, random people and animals, etc.

Obviously, you have to be very careful with stuff like this when applying it to romantic and sexual relationships. I mean, if you take it as some kind of completely open "free love" ideology it can get irresponsible and messy very easily.

But yeah, it's useful in the abstract emotional sense. Of overcoming negative jealous and possessive internal reactions. Even if you don't actually go out and do anything "sexually open" about it.

[Thecatlady]

The idea of an open marriage to me doesn't sound necessarily bad. If I ever found somebody who could actually deal with my lack of sexual orientation, I wouldn't mind that idea. It isn't that I would be jealous of my partner's relationships outside of marriage. But like you said, what if somebody gets upset at it, pregnancies outside of marriage might be an issue, and also STI status. I'd consider seeing someone (a counselor or whatever) to help you make this decision. A counselor might be helpful with getting another opinion and honestly exploring whether or not there is a problem outside of the bedroom because in my opinion, if this is become such a huge issue to the point that an open marriage is being considered despite the various risks.

[TAK]

Hi, I'm new here, but just wanted to let you know that your situation is very similar to mine. I'm choosing not to label myself since my hubby and I are working on things but we've done the open marriage etc. So I can totally relate. Sometimes it's just nice to know your situation isn't just your own.

[TheNaughtyNeutrois]

I have a very shaky negative view on anything with the word "open" attached to it - you name it, marriages, relationships, the whole shebang.

I had an online relationship with my ex for 4 years, then I made the decision to visit her in U.S.A. (I live in Australia) and stayed with her for two months. We were engaged, the first month was great, we were happy, but then I think she started to realize I didn't meet her expectations, she kept insisting that there was no "spark" in the relationship. I told her that we've spend the majority of the relationship online, that of course, it's going to be a bit awkward now that we're face-to-face because we're getting used to the physical aspects of our relationship. She didn't seem too pleased with that answer but shrugged it off.

We attended an anime convention and she met one of her friends that she had been wanting to meet for a couple of months now. They hit it off and she spent nights awake talking to this girl while I had to sleep in a motel inn bed alone. It was sobering, and shortly after the convention weekend, she told me she wanted to date the girl, and turn the relationship into an open one. I agreed because I wanted to make her happy, because somehow, I knew I wasn't meeting her expectations - I didn't know it then but I believe my asexuality was hindering the romantic and sexual connection between us.. thus the "spark" she couldn't feel.. My ex reassured me that she still loves me but the amount of time she spent with her new girlfriend proved otherwises. She would light up whenever she talked about her, she would talk to her on the phone and laugh with her in my presence. However, when she was alone with me, she would get angry and end up snapping at me. I got the gist that she had been lying and that she no longer loves me in a romantic sense.

I moved back home and a couple of days, she insisted that we would be better off as friends, that she is no longer romantically attracted to me like she is with this new girl - she officially broke things off with me then. I felt betrayed and led on, I'd rather she had been honest up-front about her feelings and broke it off with me before dating this girl, instead of using me and a "open relationship status" as a launching pad from one person to the next.

I feel its very easy for "open" relationships to become a "gentle" way of being able to date another person and let the original partner go. I'm still emotionally recovering from that ordeal because I ended up deciding to cut her off completely for the sake of my mental health. In return, she has decided to demonize me completely, spreading complete untrue lies online about me, that I'm mentally "unstable" and in need of "dire professional help" despite that she is living in a house with her new girlfriend and apparently "happy" with her. I was completely confused by her behaviour, if she is happy, why would she waste her time trying to bring me down?

Just be *very, very* cautious and make sure the lines of communication are open and honest at all times. I would be devastated if someone went through the exact same thing as me. It devastated me but at the same time, it has made me realise I am asexual and I am so, so grateful that I am able to leave a negative experience with such a positive self-discovery about myself.

I understand that my experiences are my own and that because open relationships haven't worked for me doesn't mean it won't work for you. I wish you all the luck and I hope things work out smoothly.

[Guest]

Sadist - That is indeed one pit fall and the reason why most the poly people on here recommend not trying to use it as a bandaid. It should be only used as a broadening of a relationship, built on mutual love and trust. It's a tricky situation to navigate. It sounds like your ex didn't feel with you what people call "chemistry" and it was important to her, so she found it with this girl and was too afraid to just break things off. For some reason, some people find the need to make their ex seem horrible to make themselves feel better about the breakup (especially if they are a major cause of it), don't take it personally. Sounds like you two were incompatible and she handled it poorly, instead of just saying "hey, this isn't working for me".