Jump to content

What asexuality is not.


Recommended Posts

Hello,


We have, on AVEN, FAQ and info threads saying what asexuality is, which is awesome. First and foremost Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction.

I thought I would make a thread to clear up some of the most common misconceptions in regards to what asexuality is NOT.

Asexuality is not any of the following :

• A hatred of sex

• Sexual repulsion

• The inability to become aroused or to feel sexual pleasure

• A feeling of discomfort during acts of intimacy or sex
• Feeling nervous or fearing sex

• Lack of libido
• Chastity, Celibacy or Abstinence
• Disinterest in sex

I will note however these things can and do run in parallel for some asexuals; however they are not determining factors if someone is asexual or not: this means that you CAN be asexual and hate sex and/or feel discomfort during intimacy. You CAN be asexual and celibate or abstinent. But being celibate/abstinent, sex-repulsed or nervous during intimacy does NOT mean, on its own, being asexual.


See what I mean? You can be celibate without being asexual. In fact, you can be asexual and NOT be celibate: many asexual people, especially if in a relationship, have sex. Some even like it, for many different reasons. This, in fact, is an important point: asexuality has nothing to do with behavior.


Many people think that "not having sex" or "not being interested in sex" is the key of asexuality. While it's true that many asexual people don't have sex, and while it's very likely that most asexual people have no interest in sex, there are also sexual people who have little to no interest in sex because they prefer other aspects of relationships, even though they feel sexual attraction. You can see this in some mixed asexual-sexual relationships where the non-asexual partner decides to give up sex in order to stay with their loved one, or in many cases of celibacy/abstinence.


So, while "being not interested in sex" is easily a consequence of asexuality, it's not the cause nor the key of it, because there's also sexual people who aren't that interested in sex, even though they may not be the majority.

Many people think asexuality means not having a libido: this has been proven incorrect. Many asexual people have a libido, they just don't feel the need to share their sexuality with other people.

So, to sum things up:

- If you do not experience sexual attraction to anyone, and you also experience any of the listed factors: you still fit in the "asexual" label
- if you do not experience sexual attraction and you do not experience any of the listed factors: you still fit in the "asexual" label
- If you experience sexual attraction, but you experience any of the listed factors: you technically do not fit in the "asexual" label.

I hope this will help clearing up some confusion and help people find their own sexual orientation in an easier way, adding a different perspective from which to look at asexuality.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How do you define sexual attraction? What are it's components? Does it mean being sexually drawn towards a particular person? Prostitutes may have sex with people they are not sexually attracted to, but that doesn't make them asexual does it?

The reason I ask is not because I disagree with your above assessment, I would just like to hear your views on those particular questions.

Link to post
Share on other sites

After the whole someone calling us all sexuals cause we were talking about masturbating, it isn't the lack of desire to watch porn either.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How do you define sexual attraction? What are it's components? Does it mean being sexually drawn towards a particular person? Prostitutes may have sex with people they are not sexually attracted to, but that doesn't make them asexual does it?

The reason I ask is not because I disagree with your above assessment, I would just like to hear your views on those particular questions.

All sexual orientations are defined in terms of sexual attraction. Heterosexuality is sexual attraction towards the opposite gender, homosexuality towards the same, etc, therefore asexuality, if we want to consider it an orientation, should follow along the same lines. Most people in the world have a grasp of what sexual attraction is because they experience it, asking asexual people is like asking color blind people to describe the difference between certain colors That's why we have a pinned thread to discuss it. Defining sexual attraction specifically is, in my opinion, like trying to define love, since it hinges on feelings. Still most people share a common meaning of "love" without being able to give a technical definition.

You also raise a very important point that helps with what I posted above: asexual people CAN have sex with a partner, even though they're not attracted to them, and it's nothing unusual. There are many sexual people who have sex with people they're not attracted to (in your example, prostitutes): this again proves that behaviour and orientation are not always aligned.
Link to post
Share on other sites

I have also read numerous places that sexual orientation is the direction of one's sexual interest. Orientation seems to be defined by attraction and direction of sexual interest.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't like it if this thread turned into another debate on what sexual attraction/orientation means on a semantic level. This thread was written by Doppel and myself as a tool for all new and/or confused people in order to help them understand what asexuality is not. This is not to say the attraction/orientation debate is not important, just that there are many other threads in which it can be brought, leaving this simple and clear :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mostly Peaceful Ryan

I wouldn't like it if this thread turned into another debate on what sexual attraction/orientation means on a semantic level. This thread was written by Doppel and myself as a tool for all new and/or confused people in order to help them understand what asexuality is not. This is not to say the attraction/orientation debate is not important, just that there are many other threads in which it can be brought, leaving this simple and clear :)

So if there is any disagreement with Doppel's and your assement, we should make another thread about or post it as a comment? :huh:

Link to post
Share on other sites

There's already threads about sexual attraction. Doppel linked one, and there's others (search function helps). You can post there and PM the person you want to talk to asking to join you there, or make a new thread about what sexual attraction is. This thread is about what asexuality is not, not about what sexual attraction is. We're only asking not to go off topic :)

For any other comments along these lines, please PM.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mostly Peaceful Ryan

I have a question, how would someone be disinterested in sex, but still sexually attracted to someone (desire sex from that other person)? I can't see someone both desiring something or craving it and still being disinterested in sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Asexuality is not any of the following :

• A hatred of sex

• Sexual repulsion

• The inability to become aroused or to feel sexual pleasure

• A feeling of discomfort during acts of intimacy or sex

• Feeling nervous or fearing sex

• Lack of libido

• Chastity, Celibacy or Abstinence

Agreed with all of this...

• Disinterest in sex

...but here it gets more complicated. What does "disinterest in sex" mean in your list, and how does it differ from "not being sexually attracted to anyone"?

Edit: Looks like Ryan shares my exact same confusion at the exact same time... :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites
Disinterest in sex is the lack of wanting to engage in sexual activity. There can be many reasons for this. To name a few: Depression, Anxiety, Illness, Tiredness, Chastity, Celibacy, Abstinence, Low Libido, etc.


Whilst you can still feel sexually attracted to a person. For the reasons listed above and many more you may not feel interest in engaging in sexual activity. I've seen a good number of people say that they found their partner sexually attractive but didn't want to have sex with them. Not wanting to have sex is often a consequence of asexuality, but it's not enough in itself to define asexuality, if someone still finds others attractive on a sexual level.


Some of the things listed above can be "fixed" sometimes, giving back an interest in sex: after treating depression or anxiety or something else, some people found that they had an interest in sex (again, or for the first time). To repeat again, this does not mean that all depressed people are not asexual: if they do not feel sexual attraction, they are.


Asexuality will not change after someone treats depression, anxiety or else.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think a review of what sexuality is would help everyone. There are ABC's of sexuality and they are these... Attraction, Behavior, Cognition, Desire. Asexuality is not about attraction only, because sexuality isn't and never has been.

Link to post
Share on other sites
chair jockey

Asexuality is defined as lack of sexual attraction by the AVEN website only, not by any scientist or other person who has hard evidence of what asexuality is. AVEN's motivation for defining asexuality that way is so that it can ally itself with the LGBT movement in order to increase visibility (and the political power of AVEN's administration). Someone else could define asexuality as love of lemon gelato and the definition would be just as valid (or invalid) as AVEN's from a factual and concrete point of view. Fact is, what the OP expressed above is political dogma and doctrine rather than anything that has any connection to fact. It serves only to confuse uninformed people further by implicitly purporting to be based on a concrete understanding of asexuality, which is what newcomers to this website often actually seek.

In fact, asexuality is not a sexual orientation. It's the absence of sexuality, which lies on a totally different axis. In a similar way, gender identity is on a totally different axis from sexual orientation, and the T in LGBT are allied with the LGB purely for political purposes rather than because being trans means diddly when it comes to whether a transperson is hetero, homo or bisexual. A transperson can easily be any of those things, but isn't necessarily any of them. Similarly, an asexual person can easily be transgendered, but the two do not necessitate each other. What an asexual person, by pure logic, can't be is hetero, homo or bisexual simply because she is not sexual in any way at all.

But I realize that I am expressing a minority viewpoint when I say this. We'll see how AVEN admins treat real minorities such as myself. Chances are this post will be deleted and I'll be banned for not toeing the party line.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mostly Peaceful Ryan
Disinterest in sex is the lack of wanting to engage in sexual activity. There can be many reasons for this. To name a few: Depression, Anxiety, Illness, Tiredness, Chastity, Celibacy, Abstinence, Low Libido, etc.
Whilst you can still feel sexually attracted to a person. For the reasons listed above and many more you may not feel interest in engaging in sexual activity. I've seen a good number of people say that they found their partner sexually attractive but didn't want to have sex with them. Not wanting to have sex is often a consequence of asexuality, but it's not enough in itself to define asexuality, if someone still finds others attractive on a sexual level.
Some of the things listed above can be "fixed" sometimes, giving back an interest in sex: after treating depression or anxiety or something else, some people found that they had an interest in sex (again, or for the first time). To repeat again, this does not mean that all depressed people are not asexual: if they do not feel sexual attraction, they are.
Asexuality will not change after someone treats depression, anxiety or else.

Sexuality changes, how long must someone go without being sexually attracted to anyone before they are asexual?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Disinterest in sex is the lack of wanting to engage in sexual activity. There can be many reasons for this. To name a few: Depression, Anxiety, Illness, Tiredness, Chastity, Celibacy, Abstinence, Low Libido, etc.

Whilst you can still feel sexually attracted to a person. For the reasons listed above and many more you may not feel interest in engaging in sexual activity. I've seen a good number of people say that they found their partner sexually attractive but didn't want to have sex with them. Not wanting to have sex is often a consequence of asexuality, but it's not enough in itself to define asexuality, if someone still finds others attractive on a sexual level.

Some of the things listed above can be "fixed" sometimes, giving back an interest in sex: after treating depression or anxiety or something else, some people found that they had an interest in sex (again, or for the first time). To repeat again, this does not mean that all depressed people are not asexual: if they do not feel sexual attraction, they are.

Asexuality will not change after someone treats depression, anxiety or else.

To expand on Doppel's post, it's important to understand that this is not to say that most people don't discover their own asexuality because they're disinterested in sex. They do. We even have a pinned thread in Welcome Lounge to support this.

It's like most people who are intolerant to gluten (pardon the bad analogy) will discover it because they have a stomach ache. But not all people who have a stomach ache will be intolerant to gluten.

Sexuality changes, how long must someone go without being sexually attracted to anyone before they are asexual?

Sexuality can be fluid for some people. No one established any rules on time or else, that I know of, like there isn't any in regards to identifying with any other sexual orientation: it's a matter of auto-determination. If they feel like they are not sexually attracted to anyone anymore, they can choose to identify as asexual. If they feel like the label won't fit anymore, they can drop it. This is also explained in the FAQ here, with a suggestion to visit a doctor if the drop is sudden.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Invisible Pumpkin

Mind you the question and the ignorance about the topic, are we now subscribing to what scientific research have said about this topic? -even if it's a little and not conclusive- Because I can be a bunnysexual if I want and we can all agree in that, we all can decided to be labeled as bunnysexuals and to create a community, to establish a set of characteristic that we will share also a set of characteristic we will not hold and exceptions to those rules for more bunysexuals to feel accepted or for other proposes I want to clarify I'm not stating an opinion about OP post, I'm not saying I agree or not, I'm just concerned about where do we take information to elaborate criteria to help others in general. No need to add that creating this kind of threads and other strategies to help newbies and/or confused people have been something I value a lot and have always needed (as I can fit in the confused ones many times).

I don't feel asexy anymore, not because I want sex or because I feel sexual attraction suddenly. Could be just that I don't relate anymore...

Been said that, I'm sorry if one consider this expression as off topic, that make ugly this thread or that it's nonsense (if any or all of those) move the post to another thread or just delete it as may be needed.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Disinterest in sex is the lack of wanting to engage in sexual activity. There can be many reasons for this. To name a few: Depression, Anxiety, Illness, Tiredness, Chastity, Celibacy, Abstinence, Low Libido, etc.

Whilst you can still feel sexually attracted to a person. For the reasons listed above and many more you may not feel interest in engaging in sexual activity. I've seen a good number of people say that they found their partner sexually attractive but didn't want to have sex with them. Not wanting to have sex is often a consequence of asexuality, but it's not enough in itself to define asexuality, if someone still finds others attractive on a sexual level.

Some of the things listed above can be "fixed" sometimes, giving back an interest in sex: after treating depression or anxiety or something else, some people found that they had an interest in sex (again, or for the first time). To repeat again, this does not mean that all depressed people are not asexual: if they do not feel sexual attraction, they are.

Asexuality will not change after someone treats depression, anxiety or else.

Well, in that case I disagree with the last point of the list. The one explanation of that fuzzy term "sexual attraction" that clicked to me was "sexual attracted to someone == desiring to engage in partnered sexual activity with someone".

So, no, you can't be disinterested in sex without being asexual, or vice versa, because being disinterested in sex is being asexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites

All sexual orientations are defined in terms of sexual attraction. Heterosexuality is sexual attraction towards the opposite gender, homosexuality towards the same, etc, therefore asexuality, if we want to consider it an orientation, should follow along the same lines. Most people in the world have a grasp of what sexual attraction is because they experience it, asking asexual people is like asking color blind people to describe the difference between certain colors That's why we have a pinned thread to discuss it. Defining sexual attraction specifically is, in my opinion, like trying to define love, since it hinges on feelings. Still most people share a common meaning of "love" without being able to give a technical definition.

I have some criticism/feedback for this, specifically the bolded bits.

I've noticed, on a university level, that some fields don't have a set definition. For example, I'm taking a course about leisure in Canada and the following are three examples of how leisure is defined:

  • Leisure is the activities someone does when they are not engaged in paid work.
  • Leisure is an activity to promote social justice and create equality among social classes.
  • Leisure is when someone is fulfilling their inner values and beliefs through certain activities or to compensate the lack of value in their working life.
My prof also wrote, "None of these choices provides a perfect definition, as you will see. Part of the difficulty in getting leisure taken seriously as an academic phenomenon is this lack of a clear, cohesive definition."

I know Ithaca doesn't want to make this a semantic discussion, but I think it ultimately boils down to that. If you can't define sexual attraction and you're trying to gain the attention of an academic audience, you're going to be largely ignored and not taken seriously.

I personally don't understand why sexuality hinges completely on "attraction". I totally understand that it's a favourite since attraction is less influenced by external factors, however, saying it makes-or-breaks certain sexualities is dangerous. As LG said, sexuality isn't just one facet... asexuality should revolve about those ABCs as well: attraction, behaviour, cognition and desire.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Vampyremage
Disinterest in sex is the lack of wanting to engage in sexual activity. There can be many reasons for this. To name a few: Depression, Anxiety, Illness, Tiredness, Chastity, Celibacy, Abstinence, Low Libido, etc.
Whilst you can still feel sexually attracted to a person. For the reasons listed above and many more you may not feel interest in engaging in sexual activity. I've seen a good number of people say that they found their partner sexually attractive but didn't want to have sex with them. Not wanting to have sex is often a consequence of asexuality, but it's not enough in itself to define asexuality, if someone still finds others attractive on a sexual level.
Some of the things listed above can be "fixed" sometimes, giving back an interest in sex: after treating depression or anxiety or something else, some people found that they had an interest in sex (again, or for the first time). To repeat again, this does not mean that all depressed people are not asexual: if they do not feel sexual attraction, they are.
Asexuality will not change after someone treats depression, anxiety or else.

I think this is a point that may need some further clarification. There is a difference between disinterest in sex due to external reasons and disinterest in sex sometimes as opposed to all the time. External reasons may be things like wanting to be abstinent or celibate. Temporary reasons may be low libido, illness or tiredness. These sorts of things, of course, do not make an individual asexual.

However, there is another level regarding disinterest in sex and that pertains to a persistent long term and internal disinterest. One might be disinterested in sex because, quite simply, one doesn't feel the draw towards it. Would this not constitute being asexual? As others have mentioned all ready in this thread and others, there are some issues in the definition of what is sexual attraction and how does sexual attraction relate to sexual desire. While it is true that orientations are traditionally worded based on a sexual attraction model, in all other orientations part of the implicit definition of sexual attraction encompasses sexual desire. Thus, how can sexual attraction be entirely removed from the concept of sexual desire? I don't think that it can be.

Link to post
Share on other sites

After the whole someone calling us all sexuals cause we were talking about masturbating, it isn't the lack of desire to watch porn either.

I don't want to get into this shit show of a debate again, but I just want to say that a lot of people outside of AVEN consider arousal from porn to be sexual attraction. In fact this belief has been brought up on AVEN as well by skullerymaid and Naosuu (probably others too). It seems that sexual attraction means something completely different on AVEN than it does to the rest of the world. There's been a number of sexuals on here that say there is no tangible difference between what asexuals call aesthetic attraction, physical attraction, or sensual attraction and sexual attraction, but people who apparently experience no sexual attraction keep insisting that they are different. It seems as though as long as you call whatever sexual feelings you have to be just arousal, sensual but not sexual, or merely physical attraction, you can be accepted as asexual. However, if you think like the majority of the world does, and call it sexual attraction you get tossed overbaord into the gray sea and/or sexual ocean.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Forget sexual attraction, I can be attracted by someone's explosive personality and not to mention I totally enjoy cuddling with someone that's okay with my poking the mess out of them at random points in a day...it's a part of my form of romance. Anyone who can handle my quirks....well I can compromise on some of their quirks too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Vampyremage

After the whole someone calling us all sexuals cause we were talking about masturbating, it isn't the lack of desire to watch porn either.

I don't want to get into this shit show of a debate again, but I just want to say that a lot of people outside of AVEN consider arousal from porn to be sexual attraction. In fact this belief has been brought up on AVEN as well by skullerymaid and Naosuu (probably others too). It seems that sexual attraction means something completely different on AVEN than it does to the rest of the world. There's been a number of sexuals on here that say there is no tangible difference between what asexuals call aesthetic attraction, physical attraction, or sensual attraction and sexual attraction, but people who apparently experience no sexual attraction keep insisting that they are different. It seems as though as long as you call whatever sexual feelings you have to be just arousal, sensual but not sexual, or merely physical attraction, you can be accepted as asexual. However, if you think like the majority of the world does, and call it sexual attraction you get tossed overbaord into the gray sea and/or sexual ocean.

This very much gets to the route of the problem of a definition based purely upon an attraction model especially without having an underlying universal understanding of what attraction(s) actually mean. When the definition of sexual attraction is used differently upon AVEN than within most of the rest of the world, there is going to be a major barrier in understanding.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Vampyremage

Dude, I only look at furry porn.

I'm not sexually attracted to animals.

Thanks.

I don't think that's really the suggestion. However, it may be suggested that there's something about the furry porn that does attract you. What that something is might very from person to person who is into furry porn, but I don't think its unreasonable to assume that there's something you likely do find attractive about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OPPRESSION.

:|

I do not want to have sex with them, because I am not sexually attracted to them.

Stop discussing my porn habits and get back to Dopp's post. It's weird.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest member25959

DOPPEL COME HERE SO I CAN HUG YOU I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING AND WHY ISN'T THIS THREAD PINNED OMG

But yeah, holy shit I cannot emphasize how true everything in the OP is, if it were my decision tis thread would be a permanent announcement

But yeah, I'm one of those asexuals who shows a great deal of interest in sex and I cannot tell you how much it pisses me off to see people claim that a disinterest in sex is a key factor of asexuality. Just because it's a common characteristic shared by the majority (of the minority), it doesn't make it a requirement to fit the label

We need to keep in mind that sexuality is incredibly varied, it will always apply in different ways to different people. Asexuality is probably one of the best examples of this

I have a question, how would someone be disinterested in sex, but still sexually attracted to someone (desire sex from that other person)? I can't see someone both desiring something or craving it and still being disinterested in sex.

Doesn't that happen all the time? I'm pretty sure my parents are in that situation since they're in their late 40s and 25 years of marriage now
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mostly Peaceful Ryan

Disinterest in sex is the lack of wanting to engage in sexual activity. There can be many reasons for this. To name a few: Depression, Anxiety, Illness, Tiredness, Chastity, Celibacy, Abstinence, Low Libido, etc.

Whilst you can still feel sexually attracted to a person. For the reasons listed above and many more you may not feel interest in engaging in sexual activity. I've seen a good number of people say that they found their partner sexually attractive but didn't want to have sex with them. Not wanting to have sex is often a consequence of asexuality, but it's not enough in itself to define asexuality, if someone still finds others attractive on a sexual level.

Some of the things listed above can be "fixed" sometimes, giving back an interest in sex: after treating depression or anxiety or something else, some people found that they had an interest in sex (again, or for the first time). To repeat again, this does not mean that all depressed people are not asexual: if they do not feel sexual attraction, they are.

Asexuality will not change after someone treats depression, anxiety or else.

To expand on Doppel's post, it's important to understand that this is not to say that most people don't discover their own asexuality because they're disinterested in sex. They do. We even have a pinned thread in Welcome Lounge to support this.

It's like most people who are intolerant to gluten (pardon the bad analogy) will discover it because they have a stomach ache. But not all people who have a stomach ache will be intolerant to gluten.

Sexuality is not black or white and it's very difficult for people to say they don't feel sexual attraction when they don't know what it is. "Asexuality is lacking in sexual attraction" is too simple of a response to a very complex and difficult question. If someone were to ask me "Why do you feel that you are asexual?" I would say "I am disinterested in sex and even at some parts scared of it." If I wouldn't say it is because I lack sexual attraction because sexual attraction is like a foreign language to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
We need to keep in mind that sexuality is incredibly varied, it will always apply in different ways to different people. Asexuality is probably one of the best examples of this

So why are you guys so vehemently opposed to people calling themselves asexual because they don't desire partnered sex? Why is there such opposition to changing the definition to does not feel sexual attraction and/or does not have desire for partnered sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Asexuality is defined as lack of sexual attraction by the AVEN website only, not by any scientist or other person who has hard evidence of what asexuality is. AVEN's motivation for defining asexuality that way is so that it can ally itself with the LGBT movement in order to increase visibility (and the political power of AVEN's administration).

that allegation sounds a bit like conspiracy theory to me.

And no one gets banned from AVEN because they express a minority opinion. If that were the case, there'd be no AVEN members left and the site wouldn't exist.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Notte stellata

Sexuality is not black or white and it's very difficult for people to say they don't feel sexual attraction when they don't know what it is. "Asexuality is lacking in sexual attraction" is too simple of a response to a very complex and difficult question. If someone were to ask me "Why do you feel that you are asexual?" I would say "I am disinterested in sex and even at some parts scared of it." If I wouldn't say it is because I lack sexual attraction because sexual attraction is like a foreign language to me.

Yeah, I think it's important to take the descriptive definitions (i.e. how asexuals describe themselves) into consideration. Every time I gave an asexual lecture, I introduced both the standard definition and the alternative one suggested by many people here, "lack of an internal desire for sexual interactions". I'd explain some asexuals (including myself) feel the second definition is easier to understand and fits them better, but it doesn't mean the first one is wrong. I think if you're not sure if you experience sexual attraction or not, the definition based on sexual desire may help you to determine if you're asexual.
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...