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"Coming out" as Demi?


bsmithi

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Hey people! I would really like some help with "coming out" to my friends/partner as demisexual

I mean I know that most of the will understand, but I would really like to know a solid way to tell and help explain to them my demisexuality.

Right now I am in a wonderful relationship with my girlfriend of 2 months, who knows me as pansexual (since that is what I first "came out" as). However I would really like to tell her that I have recently discovered myself as demisexual

Help?

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I've never felt the need to come out, so I've only mentioned it to one person. I think he thought I'd just made the term up! Or googled 'obscure sexual orientation' and picked one that no one's ever heard of! :P

I reckon if you can come out as pansexual, demisexual should be a breeze! :lol:

(I feel there should be a 'did you find this useful' button on here so you could click 'no'. Don't worry though, someone will come along with something a bit more helpful!)

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sound_the_bugle

It could just be me, but I think demisexuality is really well accepted because all it really means is that we're far less likely to engage in any sort of one night stand, but will still want to have intimate physical contact (to use the most vague term for sex I think I ever have) with the one we love. I think the best way to tell your friends and partner is just to say, "Well, I don't find people I don't know attractive. Once I'm close to them, maybe I'll be sexually or physically attracted, but until then, I just don't notice them in that manner at all."

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Kitty Spoon Train

I've come out as demi to a particular group of friends before. But it wasn't really a big deal to them. They were mostly an Asian crowd from cultures where on paper it's still taboo to have sex before marriage, so even to this day things are quite conservative and most people assume that a relationship has to be at least very serious (possibly engagement) before you'd do it anyway (ie Which basically mimics how demisexuals behave, even though it's via different motivations).

After explaining it better, they understood the difference, but still didn't see it as a huge deal - precisely because it's so close to what is normal behaviour for them anyway.

But anyway, this is what made me feel that "coming out" as demi is sorta pointless. To many people it won't be a big deal, and to others it might trigger a Tumblresque "that's not a real orientation" response, so I mostly just can't be bothered any more.

Coming out on a need-to-know basis to individual people makes sense though. :)

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I wasn't sure if I was demisexual or just a a highly principled sexual! :unsure: But as I'm 49 years old and have only ever found 4 people sexually attractive, that would probably make me a bit TOO principled! :P

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I don't really feel the need to "come out" to people. My parents, and most of my family, don't know. The only people who do know are my boyfriend, one brother, and a few people at my college's lgbt center. The only reason these people know is because my sexuality directly affects my relationship with my boyfriend, and my sexual orientation came up at the lgbt center last week as a sort of "oh yeah, we don't know what you are, you could be lesbian, straight, anything." thing.

So, my only advice is, do as much research as you need to to feel comfortable explaining and defining demisexuality, and answering any questions people may have. And don't "come out" to people you don't feel you need to. If your girlfriend is already okay with you being pansexual, demisexual should be a breeze. :)

Best of luck!

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Queer As Cat

It could just be me, but I think demisexuality is really well accepted because all it really means is that we're far less likely to engage in any sort of one night stand, but will still want to have intimate physical contact (to use the most vague term for sex I think I ever have) with the one we love. I think the best way to tell your friends and partner is just to say, "Well, I don't find people I don't know attractive. Once I'm close to them, maybe I'll be sexually or physically attracted, but until then, I just don't notice them in that manner at all."

I've come out as demi to a particular group of friends before. But it wasn't really a big deal to them. They were mostly an Asian crowd from cultures where on paper it's still taboo to have sex before marriage, so even to this day things are quite conservative and most people assume that a relationship has to be at least very serious (possibly engagement) before you'd do it anyway (ie Which basically mimics how demisexuals behave, even though it's via different motivations).

After explaining it better, they understood the difference, but still didn't see it as a huge deal - precisely because it's so close to what is normal behaviour for them anyway.

But anyway, this is what made me feel that "coming out" as demi is sorta pointless. To many people it won't be a big deal, and to others it might trigger a Tumblresque "that's not a real orientation" response, so I mostly just can't be bothered any more.

see.... when i hear people saying things like this, it makes me rethink identifying as demisexual because to me, my demisexuality is more than that and it certainly isn't as simple as becoming sexually attracted to someone once i'm close to/in a relationship with them. explaining it that way seems to only further the really annoying stereotype/assumption that once i fall in love with someone i become a "normal" sexual person-- that i'll inevitably become/always will be sexually attracted to someone once i form a strong romantic bond with them and this is totally not the case with me, even if it is the case for some demisexuals.

maybe i really am asexual or gray-asexual, but either way (to me) coming out as demisexual to someone would certainly not be pointless or a piece of cake compared to coming out as pansexual. if i felt it important enough to come out as pansexual to someone, i certainly would feel that coming out as demisexual would be just as important. actually, coming out as demisexual would probably be harder than coming out as pansexual for the very reason i said above. if people really, REALLY understood my demisexuality, i don't know that they'd think it was any less of a big deal than my pansexuality.

.....maybe that's just me.

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sound_the_bugle

Well of course you aren't always going to be attracted to someone with whom you've generated a romantic or friendly relationship. It's just that you can't be attracted to anyone until then. At least, that's how it is for me; maybe you're different. I can't assume that.

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Queer As Cat

friendly relationships...? those don't even qualify (for me).

i get what you are trying to say, though. i was commenting on other people's assumptions, not necessarily your own.

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Kitty Spoon Train

Well of course you aren't always going to be attracted to someone with whom you've generated a romantic or friendly relationship. It's just that you can't be attracted to anyone until then. At least, that's how it is for me; maybe you're different. I can't assume that.

Yeah, this....

In fact, I'd say my most common way of becoming interested in someone is for something along the lines of a romantic friendship. Sexual attraction is not guaranteed by any means. But yeah, if it does eventually happen, it can be fairly close to "normal", I guess.

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Queer As Cat

....mmmm, i'm reminded again of what was said in another thread about some demis leaning more towards asexual while others lean more towards sexual in regards to their sexual attraction. still, i think i'm leaning more towards identifying as gray-a again. :wacko:

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Yeah, for me, I identify as demi 'cause I've only felt sexual attraction to my partner. I don't feel that way about anyone else, even if i've known them forever. So I think I would be leaning more to the asexual side of the spectrum then the sexual side :?

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Queer As Cat

Yeah, for me, I identify as demi 'cause I've only felt sexual attraction to my partner. I don't feel that way about anyone else, even if i've known them forever. So I think I would be leaning more to the asexual side of the spectrum then the sexual side :?

mmmm, it's not just that that i'm referring to.

see this thread, especially the later posts by Electric Barbarella, ithaca and myself.

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Yeah, for me, I identify as demi 'cause I've only felt sexual attraction to my partner. I don't feel that way about anyone else, even if i've known them forever. So I think I would be leaning more to the asexual side of the spectrum then the sexual side :?

mmmm, it's not just that that i'm referring to.

see this thread, especially the later posts by Electric Barbarella, ithaca and myself.

thanks! that thread was really interesting, and I think i understand more now

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