A Frustrated "Sexual"

[Down in Texas]

Please don't tell me what I don't feel.

I reiterate: it is not appropriate for anyone on AVEN, sexuals or asexuals alike, to talk about "saving" someone. No one is anyone's child here.

Oh but they could be some are younger than some of my grandchildren.

" No one is anyone's child here" this part of Sally's comment was all I was refering to.

[Lady Girl]

We aren't here to save people regardless of anyone's age. This is an educational online community. We try to be open and honest, but it's about sharing experiences and opinions in a respectful way.

This is what it's about...from the Front Page:

Welcome to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. AVEN hosts the world's largest online asexual community as well as a large archive of resources on asexuality. AVEN strives to create open, honest discussion about asexuality among sexual and asexual people alike.

[Down in Texas]

So Lady if I had used the word REDUCE instead of SAFE are you saying we would not be having this discussion. If so go back in as an administer and change the word the meaning is the same. It changes nothing as far as my intentions are concerned. Or even MINIMIZE. Yes some of the other words may need grammatical changes but the intent is the same.

[jojo2003]

We aren't here to save people regardless of anyone's age. This is an educational online community. We try to be open and honest, but it's about sharing experiences and opinions in a respectful way.

This is what it's about...from the Front Page:

Welcome to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network. AVEN hosts the world's largest online asexual community as well as a large archive of resources on asexuality. AVEN strives to create open, honest discussion about asexuality among sexual and asexual people alike.

Thanks LG!

Let us not steer away from the questions at hand. Someone new here asked about coping with the incompatibility in her relationship. And got involved in a wordfeud :).

As you can see undergoingmitosis, there is not one specific way or path to follow in understandig your partner. Keep in mind that although it sometimes is difficult, most of us in this discussion have been or are in long term relationships. Keep on dating and find out if there is enough common ground to built your relationship on. Keep communicating, but not in the way this discussion went, but nice and quiet and you'll find out whether it will work or not.

And let's not forget have fun dating eachother!

[Guest]

Everyone has valid experiences. But, each experience is unique to the individual. Some aces will pull back sensual/emotional intimacy due to fearing sex, or just not feel the need for it. Some will be more inclined to continue sex throughout the relationship on a regular basis, some will not. There is no guarantee with us, just as there is no guarantee with anyone. It probably is more common that dating an asexual will mean a sharper decline in sex than not, that is true. But, like for my boyfriend his "sharp decline" in sex between us was going from 1-3 times a day to 3-6 times a week. Still a reasonable amount by any standard. And the lack of other intimacy is because HE doesn't enjoy it in most cases, he is not a very touchy feely type of person and has never liked me "pawing" at him as he calls it when I try to get too huggy or something, so he gave me a "sharp decline" in physical intimacy as well. Is there sexual frustration in our relationship? Assuredly. He doesn't like that he can't have sex or oral sex daily, nightly, on lunch break and I no longer want to be woken up at 2-3am when he gets a mid-sleep urge. But, not all of us "give up" on that part of our relationships after a while. Granted, I am not the normal ace and I am very sex neutral, but we exist so a mixed relationship isn't always a life of celibacy in the end (not that I am saying you guys are saying that Down and Jojo and Lady, was more a remark about the other poster who said we always "give up").

Best way to figure out what the future may hold is simply to talk and talk and talk again with your ace or suspected ace partner. If your partner is fairly sex-neutral, compromise seems pretty easy in a lot of cases. If they are repulsed, it's the hardest. In between it varies based on which side of the spectrum they are closest to.

[Sally]

My feeling -- i.e., my opinion -- is that AVEN does not offer therapy or answers or agreement with peoples' posts. It offers discussion and support.

In that sense, no -- neither saving, nor reducing, nor even miminizing others' discomfort is salient here.

I'll repeat, for Down's information, that I had relationships with sexuals for 40+ years, and I am over 60. As such, I'm old enough to be some AVENites' greatgrandmother. But on AVEN, I'm simply another member, as we all are. I state my opinions and my personal experience. If I tell people what to do or not do, then I need to be called out on that.

[jojo2003]

Dear Sally,

Please don't quote yourself as an "old asexual" (saw the change in status :)).

I agree AVEN does not provide for therapy, but can in some way offer support and therefore minimize discomfort in relationships albeit in an indirect way. I myself have had very much reassurance in posting of you amongst many others, which lead to me discussing things in a much clearer way with my partner and therefore much less discomfort.

I do however agree that we do not "save" people. But think it is semantics that got in the way there.

Please note that all input is appreciated as far as I am concerned, yours specifically since we seem to be on the same line of thoughts many times. However, at almost 40 and almost 20 years of living with an asexual I am afraid I am no longer "savable". I am hooked on my partner (and happy in doing so most of the time)... all around!

[Lady Girl]

So Lady if I had used the word REDUCE instead of SAFE are you saying we would not be having this discussion. If so go back in as an administer and change the word the meaning is the same. It changes nothing as far as my intentions are concerned. Or even MINIMIZE. Yes some of the other words may need grammatical changes but the intent is the same.

Since I know the intent is the same, no you don't need to change any of your words. There is no word feud or issue with semantics here. The sentiment that we can somehow prevent/spare young people from experiencing pain in a relationship was not lost on me and I happen to disagree. I personally think young people are going to do what they want to do. Say they are embarking on a relationship and they both know asexuality is part of it (big advantage already...am I right?), they might come here and ask, "What's it like for you in your mixed relationship?" They will and should get a variety of responses because as we have all said a gagillion times, we are all different.

The fact is, people sometimes share different life stories and my point was and still is that they are all valid (no one was invalidating another person by sharing a different experience...perhaps the order in which they were shared made it feel this way?). My main disagreement was with 'warning' people. This is just my take on some of this conversation so far.

[Percivel]

My feeling -- i.e., my opinion -- is that AVEN does not offer therapy or answers or agreement with peoples' posts. It offers discussion and support.

In that sense, no -- neither saving, nor reducing, nor even miminizing others' discomfort is salient here.

I'll repeat, for Down's information, that I had relationships with sexuals for 40+ years, and I am over 60. As such, I'm old enough to be some AVENites' greatgrandmother. But on AVEN, I'm simply another member, as we all are. I state my opinions and my personal experience. If I tell people what to do or not do, then I need to be called out on that.

AWWWWWW!! RATS, Sally! I pictured you as a young beautiful woman who was wise beyond her years!

[Tender Yoshi]

To the original poster:

It sounds to me like your partner loves and cares for you very deeply, and his desire for sex is fuelled by a desire to ensure you both get out of the relationship what you want. In his case, sex is not the top of that list for him, but so long as you find the sex with your partner enjoyable, fun and part of the overall bonding experience, there is no cause for worry. Please try not to worry or obsess too much about whether your partner is happy. He's happy. If he wasn't, he would tell you. So, as best you can, enjoy your experiences together - sexual and non-sexual - and you can both be incredibly happy in this relationship.

From my own personal experience, the sexual differences between a couple in a sexual/asexual relationship, only matter if one partner is not getting all they want in terms of sexual activity, or because they are projecting and wanting their partner to feel or want things. It sounds like you're both getting what you need and want out of the relationship. If I was to offer any advice, I would say to let your partner know his own needs and then satisfy them to the best of your ability, and he can do the same for you. In his case, that might mean lots of vigorous sex, and in your case it might mean overdosing on romance and surprising him with thoughtful gifts.

The secret to any successful relationship is a desire to make your partner happy, and that means both understanding their needs and then fulfilling them. Don't complicate matters by adding in needs a partner doesn't have and then trying to force them to feel those needs. That is where relationships can start to go wrong, and it's entirely avoidable.

The above is just my view - others may disagree - but I would just aim to make your partner happy in every way you can, and let him make you happy in every way he can. Then you can both be happy and enjoy the relationship without complicating things.

Good luck, and take care.

[Sally]

My feeling -- i.e., my opinion -- is that AVEN does not offer therapy or answers or agreement with peoples' posts. It offers discussion and support.

In that sense, no -- neither saving, nor reducing, nor even miminizing others' discomfort is salient here.

I'll repeat, for Down's information, that I had relationships with sexuals for 40+ years, and I am over 60. As such, I'm old enough to be some AVENites' greatgrandmother. But on AVEN, I'm simply another member, as we all are. I state my opinions and my personal experience. If I tell people what to do or not do, then I need to be called out on that.

AWWWWWW!! RATS, Sally! I pictured you as a young beautiful woman who was wise beyond her years!

I was a young, interesting-looking woman, but I was pretty dumb then. :P

[strawberryflipflops]

I'm a straight woman dating a self-identified asexual man.

I don't really know what I thought about his asexuality at the beginning. I really didn't think it was real. We had a pretty standard highly sexed early relationship. He initiated, I initiated, he seemed happy, I was happy--I nearly forgot about his weird two a.m. pre-relationship outing speech. Then he started to talk about how sex with his ex had become a chore, and how much strain that put on his relationship. He started to initiate less, and I was suddenly afraid to, for fear I was burdening him with my sexuality or some such nonsense.

We talked, he said that he liked sex because I liked it, and he liked to make me happy. That I shouldn't worry, that he wouldn't let it get to the point where sex seemed like a chore.

I'm still not really understanding this whole asexuality thing anyway. The way he's been talking just seems like he has a low sex drive and seeing a woman get off is an important part of whatever sex drive he has--which was definitely fine by me. He certainly hasn't acted like someone who doesn't like sex at all, and yet he *says* he doesn't like it. He insists that when he's initiating it's not "charity"--it's because he legitimately wants to have sex, but what he gets out of it is seeing me enjoy myself. But...isn't knowing your partner's needs are being fulfilled a large part of many people's sexualities? How can he claim to not be sexual if he likes having sex (if not as often as I would like)? Thus, my first reaction was to dismiss his "asexuality" as just a word he chose to describe his relatively low sex drive. Still, he kept bringing it up, and I started to believe him, that he was different, that he really wasn't enjoying sex the same way I was, the way I wanted to share with him.

The rest of our relationship has been a dream, but I'm iffy about the bedroom. I'm still nervous about initiating, because he *does* get frustrated when I ask for too much, despite his assertions to the contrary. Mostly, though, I'm finding that I don't feel as good about the sex we do have, because I don't like the feeling that he's not getting as much out of our life in the between the sheets as I am. Which in turn is lowering *my* sexual satisfaction, which is lowering *his*...It doesn't make for a very fulfilling sex life. I've never thought of myself as the kind of person who *needs* sex--I've been single for long stretches of time (over a year) without really missing sex. This is the first time I've really had to decide if sex is a thing that I need *in* a relationship, and I think I'm falling on the side of yes. And I really want the sexual component of our relationship to be mutually fulfilling.

How do you other "sexuals" deal with...well, sex? I'm really just looking for someone who has felt similarly in the past, or is maybe feeling this way now. I'm also still a little fuzzy on this whole asexuality business in the first place--I'd heard of it before somewhere, and I had blindly accepted it as something real. Now, though...I watched the documentary. I've talked about it with my boyfriend. I've read a little on these forums, and the more I look the more I'm convinced that asexuality as I had imagined it to be, in that you don't feel *any* sex drive or sexual attraction or derive *any* pleasure from sex is EXCEEDINGLY rare. I really, really don't want to offend anyone here, and I'm really not trying to invalidate anyone's identity (sexual or otherwise)--I'm just trying to understand. This whole gray area where you sometimes have and enjoy sex doesn't really seem "asexual" to me, but my boyfriend insists that he's different from "sexual" people, and that he doesn't feel the same as other people do when they have sex, and he doesn't experience sexual attraction in the same way. But how does he know how other people feel during sex? How does he know how other, "sexual" people experience sexual attraction?

While I recognize that he's found peace in this identity, has made me feel guilty about wanting sex for the very first time in my life (quite a feat, considering my catholic, no-sex-before-marriage upbringing). I feel like I'm betraying myself a little in this relationship--I'm having sex with a person, who by his own admission, does not find me sexually attractive and does not like having sex with me. The fact that he asserts that does not have those things with other people is not making me feel better in practice.

I really want to reiterate that except for the sex, this is a great relationship. I'm hoping that some of you will have some much needed perspective that will untie these mental knots I've been tying over the last few months.

This sounds a lot like how my relationship was for about 5 years. I hope I can shed some light on your situation for you :)

When I was asexual (I am now grey) I developed a deep appreciation for sex. That sounds strange, doesn't it? ;) But it isn't as strange as you might think.

I liked a moderate (very moderate) amount of sex with my partner. But I wanted it all to be focused on him, and not me. I enjoyed watching him get off. I enjoyed helping him get off. Here is the rub; I had no desire for that for me. I had no interest in self-pleasure during sex. The feelings I got from him getting off were all sorts; I am a physical person so the physical closeness made me feel warm and fuzzy. I enjoyed the ego boost I got from being desireable. I found it fun to do sexual things with him, because it made me - in non-sexual ways - feel good. It didn't mean I was sexually aroused. He might even get an erection; that is a physical response, it doesn't mean he is feeling the sexual tension in his muscles and arousal in his mind that sexuals do (90% of sex is mental, and that is where the disconnect is for most sexuals).

My boyfriend had trouble understanding as well. The best way to describe why I enjoyed sex as an asexual was it was fun, in the same that it is fun to share other activities with my partner. But it was special because it made me feel desirable, wanted, pretty and I got to be very physically close with him.

Perhaps he is similar, it sounds similar. If you are OK pursuing this relationship, you might need to give up on the idea of him wanting you to reciprocate. It sounds strange to most sexual people, but perhaps he enjoys if sex is rather "selfish" and centered around you. Are you OK with that? If you remove the pressure for him to want to have acts performed on you, perhaps you two can reach an agreement and understanding that works for you both. For most sexuals, their partner wanting them sexually and desiring them sexually is part of the arousal. This can be frustrating since he wants/likes to have sex with you, but for reasons that don't turn you on. And if you aren't enjoying it, then it removes all enjoyment that he gets from it. Perhaps embrace receiving and not having to give much? ;)