Do aromantics date?

[flingem]

Have they dated in the past? What did they get from it?

Do they think they will try to date someday? What would make the date a more comfortable experience?

Are they curious about dating? I know I am I have never dated and may never date.

[Naru]

I dated two guys before I realised I was aro ace. I broke up with both of them because (among other reasons, but this was the main one) I didn't feel that there was a real connection from me towards them like I saw in my friends' relationships. I dated a close friend after I found out my orientation/s for several weeks. He's demisexual, has (what seems to be) a high sex drive and really gains a LOT from romantic relationships. Our relationship didn't work out because we were looking for different things in a relationship (I'm looking for an emotionally intimate sometime-cuddle-buddy friend person, and he's looking for your typical romantic, sexual relationship), but we're still good friends.

I can't really see myself in a romantic relationship with anyone. I don't like being 'attached' to someone exclusively because it makes me feel trapped, and I find romantic relationships make me feel really stressed because I'm constantly monitering my feelings towards them, and my behaviour and their behaviour. It's just not-fun for me.

[Guest member25959]

Depends on what they're willing to call a "date"

[honor is all]

A question for Aromantics! YAY! The hard-core Aro typing this has never dated and doesn't intend to. To me dating in the mainstream form is silly, superficial and pointless (no offence to anyone just my personal opinion). I'm a relationship anarchist (and a general one at that) and dating is a social ritual aimed at ticking the other party's right boxes with the aim of becoming their life partner. As a bit of drifter with no need for life partners or any other sense of permamence I don't see the point of dating. Once someone said that they see dating as a "job interview" and I second that opinion. People dress up to the nines, fretting over how they phrase things and how much of themselevs they reveal on the first date (both physiscally and emotinally). It's silly. Also dating implies that after an extended period of doing it you'll be referring to the person you've been dating as 'boyfirend'/'girlfirend' with lumps you into a certain category with certain expectations/parameters. Since I don't like categories/presumptions and parameters (relationship anarchist streak) I don't want to refer to anyone as my 'date' coz they are not.

This, in addition to being polyamorous results in people I know (of all orientations) being baffled as heck while trying to relate to me (gold star for trying). They are like: so you 'third wheel' (not in a negative sense) with couples (means hang out with them without feeling awkward), sleep with your friends and have a NON-romantic "partner"? Me: precisely People: :o WTF?

The pure companionship aspect of relationships doesn't draw me either coz I'm a solitary person by nature and having someone around all day would get on my nerves (not to say I never wanna talk to or be with people just less so than average).

Nothing as such would make dating a more comfortable since it's not an uncomfortable occurence but rather a boring/unnecessary one, What makes you curious about dating?

Btw how and when did you realise you were aro? If you don't mind me asking are you an aro ace or an aro of a different orientation?

[Kellam]

So, while I was trying to figure out my sexuality I did have three relationships. Two very brief and one almost decade long. I had been curious to try dating because it was expected that I would date, I didn't have any other drive than that. The first two women, I didn't know very well so the couple dates I went on were very awkward, we were co-workers. I realy didn't know what was expected of me and I certainly had no expectations of them. I always felt obligated and tense. No surprise that those women didn't want to cary on. The third woman was a co-worker as well but she was also a close friend that I had known for a year or more. With all the interpersonal stuff covered by friendship and her own sex drive we ended up staying together. That sense of tense and un-wanted obligation followed me through all eight years of that relationship. I never knew what to do and she ended up with an intense sense of something lacking. My self esteem plummeted as a result.

Out of the closet and feeling very confident in myself for the first time in my life, I can tell you that I will never date again. I have no curiosity about anything anymore, all my answers are in and the data is irrefuteable. I prefer to not be bound to any one person in my life, even my friendships can feel like a hastle at times. I do need social contact and friendship though, I'm no hermit. So I put up with the percieved inconveniences because of the value of those social contracts, we cant have everything our own way. I tend to prefer hanging out with couples and being the third wheel, it makes me feel more comfortable to be around attached people. They could have any sexuality, I just feel safer when I know their libido has a contract and a direction.

Dating always seemed like a burden to me, something I was forced to do by society. It was in strugling to try to date again, over the last few years, that I was finally able to come to terms with my own views on sex. I've learned that I can handle the contractual obligations of friendship, even enjoy the burdens at times, but that it would be false of me to sign any other papers. I'm just a happy, stand alone Ase.

[TuesMorning]

Have they dated in the past? What did they get from it?

Do they think they will try to date someday? What would make the date a more comfortable experience?

Are they curious about dating? I know I am I have never dated and may never date.

Speaking for myself, I've dated lots of women. I guess it's another one of those expected things. I'm aesthetically attracted to women and enjoy attention so dating was the next logical step. And it went horribly wrong, every time.

What did I get from it? Anxiety, trouble, insults, sometimes physical abuse, more often verbal abuse, and sometimes, just maybe, birthday cards.

I also picked up some knowledge along the way about myself. I learned that I enjoyed being alone. And that I had much more fun eating pizza and watching baseball than I did with dating and sex. Of course being stubborn I refused to believe this and continued to date.

Do I think they will try to date someday? I think an individual who is unsure of his own sexual/romantic orientation AND who does not know that aromantics are actually real will date to try to figure it out. This is a good reason why asexual visibility is so important. Without the knowledge it exists it's like trying to solve a math problem without all the information. You'll never get there! You'll just keep banging your head against the wall..

What would make the date a more comfortable experience? Probably if it didn't exist from the get go. I have not had one good dating experience.

Are they curious about dating? I was curious. Like I stated above I was aesthetically attracted to women, so why not give it a go. But I'm curious about a lot of things.

All in all it was nothing but experiences where certain actions were expected of me and I could not fulfill these expectations. Because I could not fulfill these expectations the insults flew, I found myself trying to force myself more into a romantic individual. When that didn't work I tried faking it. Why I tried to save these relationships is beyond me considering the first time I saw a legitimate exit sign I took it. No one should have to do that.

[flingem]

Thank you naru & honor for your responses. Raccoon what do you consider a date? It could be different person to person and if anyone feels the need to clarify there meaning in a response, feel free.

I guess I'm curious because I never before was concerned about dating growing up. Sometimes I had a crush on a girl but I never made any gestures to indicate that. I have been coming to the realization that I may be aromantic for 2 days so not long I'm 25 now. I'm only aromatic and very sexualy frustrated as a result its not a good combination for a male. I'm glad there are people who like aromatic threads on this forum I'll be creating more over time.

[chair jockey]

Like many aromantic aces who have reached middle age, I misspent part of my youth trying to "be normal," so I did have dates and one girlfriend. Now, I focus on friendship and look to enjoying the time I spend with other people. To me, a date is really time spent with someone who either already is a friend or is looking to become a friend. Since we're not trying to get each other into bed, the whole sexual date mystique is absent, and the focus is enjoying each other's company and whatever activity we happen to choose.

The real bonus is that an aromantic ace can go on a date with ANYBODY--a member of the opposite sex or gender, a member of the same sex or gender, various types of transpeople, anyone in the age range of 18 to 1,800. There just has to be goodwill between us and an interest in having some platonic fun. The drawback is that, in such an arrangement, what people like to spend their time doing is accentuated, so that, for example, I wouldn't be willing to try snowboarding with a date partner who likes snowboarding, whereas a sexual man might try snowboarding because it's a way to build a bond and get his date into bed.

I haven't been on a date since 1995 and don't expect to go on a date any time soon, simply because my idea of a date is doing something fun with a friend or potential friend, which is not other people's idea of a date, and is really no different from what most people call "hanging out."

[flingem]

There has been a bunch of great responses in the last couple hours I may have some new questions forming. One related to this topic the others I'll make a new thread later or tomorrow.

Does the idea of sex after a date cause the uneasy feelings or is it more with just being with any human?

I can hangout with my dogs everyday i dont have to analize if i hurt there feelings or not if im in a bad mood or tired of them being near me. They will forget about it faster than i do but people like family and close friends the ones that live with me I walk on eeg shells. I try to avoid them becoming emotional because I don't want to deal with it and I just simply don't care. If something bothers them fine but don't talk to me because you may not want to hear my response. Most of the time I tell them sorry I just don't care if they no longer want to be friends i will not resist. I don't mind those who are calm and fun to be around but emotionality unstable people which is most people are a headache.

[Mezzo Forte]

I would answer this the same way I would answer the question "do asexuals have sex?"

Some do, some don't. Some are capable of enjoying it even if they do not experience the attraction, as attraction alone does not need to be the primary motivator to engage in such activities.

I personally am fairly apathetic about romance. I've been in romantic relationships before I knew that I'm aromantic, but I can't say I regret all of them, and some were even generally positive experiences. I don't date anymore because while I'm apathetic to romance, I am very sex repulsed, so there aren't enough potential benefits to outweigh the costs of being in a romantic relationship at the moment and I don't feel strongly enough about having a relationship to seek out an asexual partner.

[Kellam]

There has been a bunch of great responses in the last couple hours I may have some new questions forming. One related to this topic the others I'll make a new thread later or tomorrow.

Does the idea of sex after a date cause the uneasy feelings or is it more with just being with any human?

I can hangout with my dogs everyday i dont have to analize if i hurt there feelings or not if im in a bad mood or tired of them being near me. They will forget about it faster than i do but people like family and close friends the ones that live with me I walk on eeg shells. I try to avoid them becoming emotional because I don't want to deal with it and I just simply don't care. If something bothers them fine but don't talk to me because you may not want to hear my response. Most of the time I tell them sorry I just don't care if they no longer want to be friends i will not resist. I don't mind those who are calm and fun to be around but emotionality unstable people which is most people are a headache.

Yeah, the sex part was deffinitely part of the tension for me. But it isnt the act itself that makes me uncomfortable. I don't like to be seen in sexual ways so in the context of a date where that's the only way you are seen, the tension is two-fold. I get tense meeting new people and domesticated animals alike, but as long as everything stays friendly I tend to warm up fast. I do find unstable people difficult at times, but so do they, I find I want to help my friends who have issues. I enjoy listening to my friend's problems so I might offer some advice or at the very least, empathy and sympathy. I do like people.

[RazorEddie]

Have they dated in the past? What did they get from it?

I have never dated. I did ask a girl out once but she turned me down. To be honest I have no idea what I would have done if she had said yes.

Do they think they will try to date someday? What would make the date a more comfortable experience?

A traditional date? No. In the very unlikely event that I wanted a relationship with someone it would probably be a friendship that slowly became more.

Are they curious about dating? I know I am I have never dated and may never date.

Not really. It sounds rather stressful to me. Mind you I very seldom go out anyway.

I have a question for other aromantics - Do you have squishes/crushes? I've only had two in my life, one for a girl and one very mild one for a man.

[Kellam]

I suppose you could say that when I'm getting to know a new friend I sometimes experience a crush type feeling. I just get realy exited when I see them because I'v been having so much fun with them and they seem to enjoy getting to know me. That feeling subsides as the friendship grows but it can crop back up during poignant shared moments. I guess that's how I see love in general, enjoying life, sharing with people emotionally. And when people I care about drifft away, I don't lament, I just feel thankfull for the part of their life they shared with mine.

[Exdraghunt]

I've never dated, personally, and honestly don't even know how dates "work." I enjoy being around my friends, but I don't expect anything from them. I go out and do things like go get dinner or visit a museum with friends all the time, but it never feels like anything more than just hanging out and having fun.

On the subject of squishes and crushes: I don't think I've ever had one. -not sure exactly what one feels like :U -

[Phantasmal Fingers]

No, I don't date. But with hindsight I think I've been on outings that I think were a date for her but I didn't notice at the time - luckily.

Like for example one time almost 30 years ago now (I was 18 or 19 I think) when I invited a girl to go to the cinema with me because she'd expressed an interest in seeing the same film I wanted to see. We went down the pub afterwards and discussed what we thought of the film, which we'd both enjoyed. We got on really well, as I recall. After we left the pub I declined the offer of a coffee at her place on the grounds that it would 'keep me up all night' (!). I remember mentioning this the following day to a male friend who repeatedly insisted - to my bemusement and repeated protestations to the contrary - that 'perhaps' there'd been more to the evening than just seeing the film.

I seem to recall her being surprised that I hadn't bothered dressing up for this 'event' - after all it just a film to go and see - whereas I was surprised that she had actually bothered to get herself all dolled up. I think I remarked on this when I met her and seem to recall her being surprised, though I've completely blanked her face out of my memories - in addition to her name - and consequently have no idea who she was. All these years later I'm grateful I didn't notice what I've come to the conclusion a sexual would've noticed at the time, ie 'the obvious'!

The crowning irony is that although I've no recollection of who she was I still remember the film and have seen it a couple of times since. It was about Ruth Ellis (the last woman to be hanged in Britain) and was called 'Dance with a Stranger'!

You couldn't make this up really, could you?!?

[gilnokoibito]

I've dated one person in the past before I knew I was aromantic (and partly before I knew I was asexual as well.) Eventually I broke up with him because he wanted much more from the relationship than I did. What I got from it? Well, I got to hang out with someone, discuss things, share a hobby with them. That's what it was for me since all our dates we're basically just going to a movie or Wal-Mart (there's not much to do where I live okay. lol) I didn't let him kiss me and I didn't let him hug me much either. So, to me it was just fun hanging out time. *shrugs*

Considering that I think of dates as a fun time to hang out, talk, travel to fun places, etc....yeah I still would go on a date! Gladly! lol (I mean other than the kissy, sex stuff...isn't that what dating is? At least that's all I've seen it as with myself and my friends. O.o ) I'm also an aromantic who wants a platonic life partner so...that may have something to do with it. What would make it more comfortable? Well that they know I'm aro-ace ahead of time and truly respect that of course.

(Reading all the other responses makes me feel like the odd man---err girl out. >.<)

[flingem]

Odd girl out, I don't think so if anything I'm the odd one here. You would like a lifelong friend who wouldn't but events happen and for most a friend is not addicting enough to adjust for. Would you move and get a new job if your long platonic partner had a great job offer on the other side of the country?

[gilnokoibito]

Odd girl out, I don't think so if anything I'm the odd one here. You would like a lifelong friend who wouldn't but events happen and for most a friend is not addicting enough to adjust for. Would you move and get a new job if your long platonic partner had a great job offer on the other side of the country?

Well at the moment...I'm just a student! XD

If I was done with school and didn't have a job yet, or if I could find another job by moving to where they were going...maybe, it would have to be discussed in-depth. I'd have a harder time leaving my family and friends here though...I think I'd have that problem even if I wasn't aromantic or asexual though...I've always been raised in a place where almost all my friends and family are within a short driving distance, so leaving all of them would be difficult regardless of the reason.

[Arcovia]

I've never been on a date or had the opportunity to go on one. In the future, will I date? Yes, absolutely. Casual dating seems like a fun and enjoyable activity to me, provided my date understands it's not the same as courtship and doesn't expect anything from me. I also want a romantic partnership, and I'm fine with that involving dating and courtship rituals and other traditional things, as long as it's separate from the casual dating.

I'm also pretty equally fine with any kind of date, be it obvious Candlelight Dinner fluff, something that most would just call hanging out, or anything in between.

[.//]

As an aromantic, I avoid all romantic involvement. It doesn't appeal to me. No, I haven't been in any previous relationships or on a date. I've been to dances, hosted by our local youth group; I dislike them. Then again, my introversion is probably more to blame than my aromanticism. Probably a mixture of the two, I'd rather not have someone assume that I'm romantic and wish to go further.

[flingem]

If you have never been in a relationship do you regret it?

There was a dozen or so girls interested in me growing up and a few were asking me out as a boy, that's amazing to have a girl ask you out and what was my answers NO and that was it, they were sad and moped off from a simple two letter word. The other girls had friends come to me and ask i told them the same "NO" some didn't have spines and the girl would come up to me and say "so you like me and would like to date yata" and then i had to crush them, that was so mean of there friend to not tell the truth. I was left with regret after and thought about saying something to them when passing in the hall or sitting in a classroom. Just like the girls I liked and who seemed to have a bit of interest back I never did anything because I could not determine if they really were interested or just being nice. Even today i can go to the pet store to get feeder fish and the girl there might seem intrested in me to a point where it looks different from other workers but in my mind I'm not certain so I never say anything it would seem rude in my mind to hit on them. They are working and have to be nice to customers but sometimes it appers to heppen often and the intesity is deminished on repeat visits. I just tell myself your thinking into her words and actions to much forget about it and then i do nothing but stand there waiting to be served and leave. I don't know how obvious the intrest would have to be for my mind to say go but a real relationship is scary and I don't think I'll be able to maintain it. Now this is where I'm different from most users on this site if a girl wants to force herself on me I seem to let it happen at least in the moment. I have had two girls write a note and pass it to me in class requesting to give me a BJ but there romantic interest made my immediate answer "no but thanks" a messed up answer. What the hell is wrong with me if either girl had went about the request differently by getting me invited to a party getting me away from the others and not asking anything just putting there hands in my pants I would not have stopped them. I guess I like spontaneous sex not planned because Idk, how do I really know, or do i want to know. Thanks again for every user who posted there story a lot has been rolling around in my head.

[Tealeaf]

I dated in the past because I was lonely and thought it was what I was lonely for, since romance is painted as the pinnacle of human interaction. I never felt anything special and I never stopped being lonely, though. I only felt worse when the relationships ended, and all I could think about was how much I wished I could just remove the "relationship" from the time we spent together and be close friends so that I could have what I really enjoyed again.

I don't see the point of dating anymore. I have more close friendships now, and some of them are the same as my relationships except for sex and exclusivity. I mistook high levels of emotional intimacy for love. I mistook being afraid of being replaced as romantic jealousy. I mistook protectiveness as possessiveness. I mistook the odd feeling of sexual attraction as some kind of a mystical draw because sexuality is so abstract for me (nothing for people, a flicker for ideas). I mistook the desire to nurture for the desire to love. Why I was never happy makes a lot of sense now: I was filling my life with the wrong things. No regrets.

There's really no comfort to be added to dating for me. Bottom line is that I'm spending time and money on a stranger who is eventually going to expect something emotionally from me that I can't offer and something sexually that I struggle to offer instead of time and money relaxing in the company of someone I already know with no expectations except to be friendly and supportive.

I have a question for other aromantics - Do you have squishes/crushes? I've only had two in my life, one for a girl and one very mild one for a man.

I don't have either. On rare occasion I'm drawn to someone sexually because I identify as grey-A, but I never get butterflies in my stomach or blushing around someone for non-sexual reasons. I don't really understand the concept of a squish beyond an unusually strong desire to be friends with someone, which I rarely experience.

[Squeakbox]

I guess it depends? I'm Aromantic from past dating experience, but I am going to try dating again to see if I'm wrong about my orientation. I find myself closer to Panromantic since I'm non-biased about gender. I still find myself attracted to personalities of others, so I'll have to see if I just need to find the right one for me.

I think it's a matter of personal experiences in Asexuality. It's not like someone saying "I don't date because I hate relationships/have bad experiences", it's all about how someone figures out themselves.

I find myself happy with just friends, but sometimes I feel like I want to share a relationship with someone with no strings attached (no sex). For me, I could never date a demisexual because of how adversed I am to sex of any level.

In fact, I used to think as if I was a demisexual, then I tried to picture a relationship I could be in, and even in the right circumstances I couldn't get my mind around having sex. Even if it was good sex I still didn't feel comfortable with the idea. I tried putting myself in a relationship perspective with sex, and it doesn't work out for me. Aromanticism for me is my way of coping with the fact that I didn't know the possibility of dating another Asexual. I always thought that every relationship led to sex, even the ones that don't have it as frequently.

I just couldn't picture myself in a relationship because of society's standards, and common misconceptions about people who live alone, and whatnot, makes it more difficult for me to accept being without someone, but I can picture myself surrounded by friends a lot.

[flingem]

This has been a great topic the thread is getting to the point of having to many posts already, I don't know why there is a +1000 post thread that's alive.

I have never had a squish or probably a crush either. I'm different thought since I'm not asexual, I can lust over a girl but not to a point where I'll entertain the idea of a relationship or friendship. My friends have always picked me and if there was some benafit to me either a fun talk or help in my chores or whatever. I don't have many friends and zero close friends but that just seems to be the way I like it I guess, since that's what I have.

[TuesMorning]

Does the idea of sex after a date cause the uneasy feelings or is it more with just being with any human?

The idea of sex after a date caused a lot of anxiety for me. And I've sabotaged a lot of dates to ensure that wouldn't be the end result. Which is extremely ironic, I guess, seeing that I got into the situation to try to create that hetrosexual spark that I seemed to lack. I have no problems being with other people, any human at all. I love talking to different people about anything. Just as long as it stays that way and I get to go home alone.

I have a question for other aromantics - Do you have squishes/crushes? I've only had two in my life, one for a girl and one very mild one for a man.

After reading the definition (sorry didn't know it) I'm not sure if I have squishes. There are people that I've strongly admired either for their intelligence or their personality (or both) and have wanted to create something like a 'partner in crime' so to speak. I'd like to work with these individuals more closely and share thoughts and ideas. The desire is more of a working relationship kind of thing.

I know there are people (men and women) that I met in school that were fantastic at physics that I wanted to be around and hear everything that they had to say about the subject. But there was nothing romantic or sexual about it. I'm not sure if this is really a squish.

If you have never been in a relationship do you regret it?

Eh..... Yes and no. I'm always happy for the people that I've met and have shared time with. I'm happy that I was able to learn more about myself through the experiences we've had. I regret the emotions that I've put the women I've dated through. I talked about making that heterosexual spark and that's what a lot of these relationships were supposed to do. I feel like I spent most of my time experimenting on these women, not truly thinking of their emotions or feelings.

I was sure that one of these relationships would get my heart goin' and I'd be able to have a normal relationship. I would get into relationships with anyone really, I never did think of what she was emotionally investing. I just wanted to finally "wake up". I never did and sure enough, right as rain, I would start avoiding the kisses, the touching, the sex. Some women really did care for me and I couldn't give that back to them. I felt horrible during and after the inevitable break up. I really really regret causing the pain that I have. I regret not stopping sooner and, instead of constantly trying to put a square peg through a round hole, asking myself why am I going through this exercise to begin with.

[A Taste of Harmony]

-

[Kellam]

The three women I dated all picked me out too. I never would have gone on a date if they hadn't asked. Ok well, the third didn't ask directly, she was one of my two best friends and she had esentially asked my male best friend to tell me to ask her out. I went ahead with it to try to be normal. I also have felt bad about my interactions with women. Not just what I put my exes through. I've lost a lot of friends because they had crushes on me that I did not respond to, I was often not aware, and some of them were realy hurt over that. I was told once as a teen that I "s**t" on women. It would have saved everyone, or almost every one, a lot of grief if I would have just known myself better. Trusted my feelings. Eh, that's life. When I came out, I was able to save one such friendship. She seemed relieved, I think it had been a source of pining stress for her, now she seems more willing to just be my friend.

[Samael]

I've never dated in a romantic sense. I don't mind conversing with people so long as the interaction is kept civil and above all intelligent. Chit-chat, small talk and the like I can do but obviously they don't hold any great value to me beyond being mildly amusing at times. I have an introverted character, so all human interaction drains my mental energy. In the company of some like-minded people the drain is at best only trivial, but in the company of some others, like extreme extroverts, the drain is significant and quite taxing on me. I immediately want to get out of the vicinity of such people unless compelled to stay by circumstances.

[Azure.Providence]

Does having an emotionally intimate cuddly buddy count as dating? If so then I would consider dating.

[byanyotherusername]

I go on plenty of date-like activities with friends where it is mutually understood that there are no romantic feelings involved--just a shared meal and/or seeing a movie, and a lot of cuddling.

I have gone on outings the other person thought was a date, but I wasn't aware that I was agreeing to that at the time, haha. I also went on a few dates with this really rich guy I kind-of knew because he treated me to expensive restaurants I wouldn't have been able to go to otherwise. We both got bored, though--me of his personality, and him of the fact that I wouldn't put out. XD

I would be willing to go on dates someone who was already a close friend and wanted to pursue a romantic relationship, if I felt connected with them enough that I was willing to try that type of relationship. I don't feel romantic attraction, so I have no real motivation to date, but I'm not against it under the right circumstances.