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Marriage in trouble and needing support....


HisWife

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*** I'm sexual and I'm not OK with a forum on AVEN for sexuals to rant about asexuals. There is the whole rest of the internet for that. I and others have found a lot of help and support here, and while I agree wholeheartedly that asexuals should be encouraged to post only if they have constructive relationship advice and can empathize with sexual perspectives... but let it be known right now that just because I'm sexual does not mean that I accept sexuals who are abusive toward asexuals.

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This is just a guess, but I assume that our partners have a hard time talking about sex because they don't feel they have a right to their feelings. If both people in a relationship believe that sex is a necessary component, then how can one of them ever say "I can't have sex with you"? Especially if they've tried once, years ago, and essentially got the message that their feelings are... inappropriate. My partner and I went through about 3-4 months of fighting about asexuality because she was certain... CERTAIN... that it was a trap. That if she admitted to it, then I would leave. And why wouldn't she think that?!

It takes work from the sexuals to make their partner feel secure enough to be honest. Some asexuals are out and proud and self-assured in their sexual preferences, but that's not true of most of the partners of the sexuals who find this site. I truly believe that if a sexual can't achieve an environment where their partner feels 100% safe voicing their feelings of sexual disinterest (or repulsion or fear or whatever), nothing will ever get better because nothing will ever be talked about openly.

I know it sounds like I'm putting the onus on the sexual partner, because I am. Because our asexual partners have spent their whole lives receiving the message that without sex, they'll lose the one they love, and that's really really scary. I think the least we can do is create a space where they can be honest without (too much) fear.

This is one of the kindest and most understanding things I have ever read.
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HisWife, I'm asexual, and I feel that it is the husband who is being unfair here. If you truly did talk to him on how much you need sex, and he still refuse, it is either he doesn't understand fully why sex is so important( a lot of asexuals don't understand what sex mean to a sexual) or he knows how important sex is to you but doesn't feel he needs to compromise with you at all. Which is utterly, utterly unfair to you. You compromise fully for him by being sexless for 3 years. That shows how much you wish this relationship can work. Your husband can't find it in him to have sex at least once a week or even once a month?! How is anyone here berating you when it is so obvious who here is much more committed to this relationship is beyond me.

Honestly, I can see why she reacted offensively here. She is the one who has been putting her feelings aside. She is the only one who is compromising in the relationship. Of course she wants an answer as to why her husband is this way. At least she is trying to find an answer instead of just leaving him like a lot of people would. She even came to this forum! Give the women some slack here. Is she going by it the wrong why by asking him to go a doctor. Well, how would she know that? In many cases where men are having a problem with their libido, it is common to talk to a doctor about it to see if anything is wrong. She is doing just that. You people are accusing her of trying to change him when all she is doing is try to look for answers. For goodness sake, that means she is TRYING to understand him. Is the husband trying to understand her? At the same time, she is suffering and is trying her hardest to put it aside to make this marriage work.

To HisWife, if he is asexual( and it sounds like he is), it is possible that he doesn't fully understand why sex is so important to you. To most asexuals, sex is not an expression of love nor is it something we need. Some asexuals are even repulse by sex and prefer not to engage in it. It has nothing to do with not loving you. We asexuals can love someone deeply and have no desire to have sex with them. In that way, it is confusing to us why sexuals need to have sex. I say you need to have a good, calm talk about both your feelings of sex. Try avoid crying or begging. Just a nice, clean talk. Tell him why sex is important to you and give him a chance to explain what sex is to him. It is possible that he is lying when he says he wants to have sex with you too because he is afraid if he tells the truth you might leave him. These mixed relationships( asexual/sexual) need to have compromise to make both the people happy. You may have to compromise by dealing with sex only once a week or a month. He ALSO needs to compromise by dealing with sex at all. You guys need to decide what you each can deal with. If he can't compromise at all to you, you need to leave him. It isn't fair for you to be so miserable, even if you have a child. As a child to divorce parents, believe me, we can adapt to it.

As far as this forum section goes, I say this isn't the only time where I thought some asexual posters had a hard time seeing the other perspective and ended up putting the blame all on the sexual person and that person felt unwelcome here. Not all the time but it does happen. This thread being a prime example.

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Down in Texas

HisWife, I'm asexual, and I feel that it is the husband who is being unfair here. If you truly did talk to him on how much you need sex, and he still refuse, it is either he doesn't understand fully why sex is so important( a lot of asexuals don't understand what sex mean to a sexual) or he knows how important sex is to you but doesn't feel he needs to compromise with you at all. Which is utterly, utterly unfair to you. You compromise fully for him by being sexless for 3 years. That shows how much you wish this relationship can work. Your husband can't find it in him to have sex at least once a week or even once a month?! How is anyone here berating you when it is so obvious who here is much more committed to this relationship is beyond me.

Honestly, I can see why she reacted offensively here. She is the one who has been putting her feelings aside. She is the only one who is compromising in the relationship. Of course she wants an answer as to why her husband is this way. At least she is trying to find an answer instead of just leaving him like a lot of people would. She even came to this forum! Give the women some slack here. Is she going by it the wrong why by asking him to go a doctor. Well, how would she know that? In many cases where men are having a problem with their libido, it is common to talk to a doctor about it to see if anything is wrong. She is doing just that. You people are accusing her of trying to change him when all she is doing is try to look for answers. For goodness sake, that means she is TRYING to understand him. Is the husband trying to understand her? At the same time, she is suffering and is trying her hardest to put it aside to make this marriage work.

To HisWife, if he is asexual( and it sounds like he is), it is possible that he doesn't fully understand why sex is so important to you. To most asexuals, sex is not an expression of love nor is it something we need. Some asexuals are even repulse by sex and prefer not to engage in it. It has nothing to do with not loving you. We asexuals can love someone deeply and have no desire to have sex with them. In that way, it is confusing to us why sexuals need to have sex. I say you need to have a good, calm talk about both your feelings of sex. Try avoid crying or begging. Just a nice, clean talk. Tell him why sex is important to you and give him a chance to explain what sex is to him. It is possible that he is lying when he says he wants to have sex with you too because he is afraid if he tells the truth you might leave him. These mixed relationships( asexual/sexual) need to have compromise to make both the people happy. You may have to compromise by dealing with sex only once a week or a month. He ALSO needs to compromise by dealing with sex at all. You guys need to decide what you each can deal with. If he can't compromise at all to you, you need to leave him. It isn't fair for you to be so miserable, even if you have a child. As a child to divorce parents, believe me, we can adapt to it.

As far as this forum section goes, I say this isn't the only time where I thought some asexual posters had a hard time seeing the other perspective and ended up putting the blame all on the sexual person and that person felt unwelcome here. Not all the time but it does happen. This thread being a prime example.

Thank you Kai99, for your understanding and compassion, if there were a few others like you that could look at both sides of the mixed relationship before making rash comments it would be a whole lot easier to get along...

Yes, after knowing all the facts about asexuality we can understand you! However, you must give the newbies the chance to learn first. Why is it so hard to ask that you other asexual, that are so quick to judge, cannot take a little bit of time to try and understand us? If we sexuals must learn that, you cannot change. Why can you not give us the same consideration and learn some things about us? I would love to meet somewhere in the middle. If we sexuals entered into a mixed committed relationship, thinking all was normal and there was sex in the beginning. Why should we be expected to have to be the only ones in the end that make most if not all concessions?

Compromising takes two and it means to come to an agreement that suits both not just one caving in to the wishes to the other. I was always taught that there are two sides to every coin and that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So why does it seem that all of the changes have to be made and excepted by us sexuals. If you feel you, can’t make or live with any form of sex why do you want to get involved with us to begin with? The easiest way to avoid having to compromise if you cannot is to not get involved with a sexual to start with. Plain and simple. Yet some feel the need to be involved with us sexuals to take the heat off the pressure put on them by society so that they appear to be more acceptable by appearing to be in a normal sexual relationship. Again, I am not talking about the GRAYS. They are a completely different aspect in this picture.

I also totally understand the GRAY shades of both sides and I am not talking to any of you. I am only speaking to those that are so insistent that we sexuals should not expect an asexual to have to perform any part of a sexual act. Please I beg you if you have NO experience in a commited mixed relationship to reframe from coming down on a newbie when they are in pain and looking for help. Just finding this site and realizing that there is no chance to change the situation they find themselves in is a hard enough issue to deal with without then being hit between the eyes with all the “you shouldn’t expect us to participate in sex we are ASEXUALS after all” type attitude. Once they have had the time to understand what they are dealing with and you can tell by watching how many posts they have participated in. Then if they are hard core and unreasonable I give you full permission to make post to try and get through to them but if you see they are new and their world is already on rocky ground and they come looking for help, Please I beg you think before you post. A common courtesy that seems to be getting lost in this day’s society.

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Why is it so hard to ask that you other asexual, that are so quick to judge, cannot take a little bit of time to try and understand us?

Down, I've been on AVEN for 5+ years. Over that period of time, I've responded in this type of thread to countless sexuals who are hurting. So have many other asexuals who are now on AVEN, some of whom have been on AVEN for almost as long as I have. I'm not responsible for anyone else who posts, but I'm certain that 99% of asexuals who respond have been considerate, sympathetic, and patient in explaining what may be going on, if indeed the sexuals' partners are asexual.

However, when someone's posts continue to be angry and blame-filled, on a site that is primarily for asexuals which means that many of our members will be hurt by that anger, one's patience wears thin. At that point, we reasonably enough say "OK, you're unhappy. Have you thought about what you will do if the situation doesn't/can't change? Because you may have to make a decision."

And as far as being understanding, some of us have been married to/partnered with sexuals for years. We understand what sex means to them, how important it is, and indeed how important it is to most of society. How could we NOT understand that? We're faced with it every day.

Give us a break. We're being expected to be counselors to people who sometimes insult us. Given that situation, I think we do pretty damned well.

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Thank you Kai99, for your understanding and compassion, if there were a few others like you that could look at both sides of the mixed relationship before making rash comments it would be a whole lot easier to get along...

Yes, after knowing all the facts about asexuality we can understand you! However, you must give the newbies the chance to learn first. Why is it so hard to ask that you other asexual, that are so quick to judge, cannot take a little bit of time to try and understand us? If we sexuals must learn that, you cannot change. Why can you not give us the same consideration and learn some things about us? I would love to meet somewhere in the middle. If we sexuals entered into a mixed committed relationship, thinking all was normal and there was sex in the beginning. Why should we be expected to have to be the only ones in the end that make most if not all concessions?

Compromising takes two and it means to come to an agreement that suits both not just one caving in to the wishes to the other. I was always taught that there are two sides to every coin and that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So why does it seem that all of the changes have to be made and excepted by us sexuals. If you feel you, can’t make or live with any form of sex why do you want to get involved with us to begin with? The easiest way to avoid having to compromise if you cannot is to not get involved with a sexual to start with. Plain and simple. Yet some feel the need to be involved with us sexuals to take the heat off the pressure put on them by society so that they appear to be more acceptable by appearing to be in a normal sexual relationship. Again, I am not talking about the GRAYS. They are a completely different aspect in this picture.

I also totally understand the GRAY shades of both sides and I am not talking to any of you. I am only speaking to those that are so insistent that we sexuals should not expect an asexual to have to perform any part of a sexual act. Please I beg you if you have NO experience in a commited mixed relationship to reframe from coming down on a newbie when they are in pain and looking for help. Just finding this site and realizing that there is no chance to change the situation they find themselves in is a hard enough issue to deal with without then being hit between the eyes with all the “you shouldn’t expect us to participate in sex we are ASEXUALS after all” type attitude. Once they have had the time to understand what they are dealing with and you can tell by watching how many posts they have participated in. Then if they are hard core and unreasonable I give you full permission to make post to try and get through to them but if you see they are new and their world is already on rocky ground and they come looking for help, Please I beg you think before you post. A common courtesy that seems to be getting lost in this day’s society.

I've been following this thread for a while now, and I'd like to thank everyone who participated. Everyone, to me, has just been trying to offer their advice to the OP on how to handle her situation. Since we're all different people, writing styles, ideas and experiences differ greatly. For many, the advice was "talk, talk again", for others it was "leave or take it as it is" and for others it was something else again. At times, especially when someone is new, it happens that suggestions that go against what we hope or what we feel can be hurtful and make us feel unwelcome. But that doesn't mean that the person who posted it intended to be accusing or discriminating or hostile. When someone posts "leave or take it as it is" it doesn't mean they're accusing the sexual part of anything: they may have likely been in the same or a similar situation, and, if asexual, maybe hoped their partner did just that instead of crying and begging for a compromise that was not feasible to them for some reason, making them feel guilty for making their partner unhappy. No one wants their loved ones to be unhappy because of somethine we do, but the solution is not always plain and simple "just give them some sex": it can sound hard, or weird, but it isn't simple at all. If sexuals are saying "take it as it is or leave it", they may have been through the begging and crying and want to suggest how to not be in that kind of painful situation because they had no happy ending personally. We are all, at times at least, influenced by our personal experiences.

As for why asexuals (not grays) enter relationships with sexuals, I think it's a bit unfair to say they're just trying to go with society's expectations if they cannot compromise on sex. It's, again, a more complicated matter: many many asexuals find that the way they feel has a name and that there's other people like them only after not one, but several relationships that can be considered hard on both sides, even after marriage. Why they entered them? For the same reasons the sexual partners did: they were in love, they did not know, they thought they could manage to find a solution, they thought this time would be okay or better, sex was not a problem at first, they wanted to have a family together, etc. Asexual people are not heartless human beings who only want to show off to society as being in a couple, or who want to hide their asexuality: they (we) fall in love just as sexuals, we care just as much as they do, we often try just as hard to make it work.

Not all asexual people are going to be fair with their sexual partner, just as not all sexual partners are going to be fair with asexual people. Does this mean we can write a blanket statement on one or both sides? I don't think so. It only shows that not all asexual people are the same, just as much as not all sexual people are the same.

I've met mixed couples, even married ones, for whom a sexless relationship worked perfectly fine, others for whom an open/poly was needed or compromise was happily found, and others for whom the best thing was breaking up even though they still had feelings for each other or had children. Eventually, none of us can tell any newbie what the best solution is for sure: we are not in their shoes, no matter how similar it can sound or how many bells it rings. Every relationship is different and what we all can do is just offer our best advice. I think this forum is working very well in that direction, and that Lady Girl has given it an extremely well direction with her moderating style and her good understanding of both sides, being a sexual partner in a long term marriage with an asexual. I remember how few sexual people used to come here when I joined, and it seems now we have newbies almost every day who are partners of asexuals or grays.

Many of them say they find this site useful, many of them stay for as long as they need to learn, understand, and get some advice. Some stay for longer. Some, also, will leave saying they feel unwelcome, or that people are being hostile to them: it's really sad when this happens, but it is my opinion it's also inevitable at times. The very same thing happens with the asexuals joining: many of them stay for as long as they need to learn, understand, and get some advice. Some stay for longer. Some, also, will leave saying they feel unwelcome, or that people are being hostile to them, or that they thought this was a sex-free zone or an anti-sexual site or a dating site, and many other reasons. We all see people saying they leave, almost every day. I believe it's part of life on a forum with so many members, it's not a small community anymore as it could have been 5 or 8 years ago. Since people are very different from each other, some will not have their expectations met on how the site or the people on it will be. Again, it's sad, but I don't think any group should particularly be blamed for this when it happens, nor we should add new forums to meet everyone's desires.

Sorry for the long post. Again, thanks to everyone for their posts. To HisWife for being here and trying to understand her husband, to everyone who offered their piece of advice, and to SkulleryMaid for one of the most heartwarming posts I've seen in my life. Thank you.

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Compromising takes two and it means to come to an agreement that suits both not just one caving in to the wishes to the other. I was always taught that there are two sides to every coin and that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So why does it seem that all of the changes have to be made and excepted by us sexuals. If you feel you, cant make or live with any form of sex why do you want to get involved with us to begin with? The easiest way to avoid having to compromise if you cannot is to not get involved with a sexual to start with. Plain and simple. Yet some feel the need to be involved with us sexuals to take the heat off the pressure put on them by society so that they appear to be more acceptable by appearing to be in a normal sexual relationship. Again, I am not talking about the GRAYS. They are a completely different aspect in this picture.

I also totally understand the GRAY shades of both sides and I am not talking to any of you. I am only speaking to those that are so insistent that we sexuals should not expect an asexual to have to perform any part of a sexual act. Please I beg you if you have NO experience in a commited mixed relationship to reframe from coming down on a newbie when they are in pain and looking for help. Just finding this site and realizing that there is no chance to change the situation they find themselves in is a hard enough issue to deal with without then being hit between the eyes with all the you shouldnt expect us to participate in sex we are ASEXUALS after all type attitude. Once they have had the time to understand what they are dealing with and you can tell by watching how many posts they have participated in. Then if they are hard core and unreasonable I give you full permission to make post to try and get through to them but if you see they are new and their world is already on rocky ground and they come looking for help, Please I beg you think before you post. A common courtesy that seems to be getting lost in this days society.

What comes to my mind is: what is count as a compromise is depending on the both parts! What exactly is a compromise? When I look at my relationship to someone from outside who is sexual it must look like the only one who is compromising is my honey, because I can't really sleep with him but feel fine touching him and being touched and satisfying him in oher ways - I don't need to force myself doing it. So I am not compromising, because he forces himself not to try to get "into me" (I'm sorry for the explizit parts) and I don't need to force myself?

The point is: If you are sexual and the compromise that would work for you is real sex, because in your eyes it may be equal suffering - that is hard. I couldn't do it, because I wouldn't just suffer, I'd even feel abused!

That just now was only a statement in general, I am not accusing anyone. I just want to explain my thoughts. So if it looks to you like the asexual part may not be compromising at all it may be like this, just because he can't, if he loves you he would really want to,but he can't - that could be the case.

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*** I'm sexual and I'm not OK with a forum on AVEN for sexuals to rant about asexuals. .

My suggestion was for a safe place to express the feelings they are going through, especially for those who are new to the site and new to asexuality and don't understand what is going on in their lives. It definitely wasn't a suggestion they we condone abusing asexuals at all. I have no interest in upsetting anyone.

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This is just a guess, but I assume that our partners have a hard time talking about sex because they don't feel they have a right to their feelings. If both people in a relationship believe that sex is a necessary component, then how can one of them ever say "I can't have sex with you"? Especially if they've tried once, years ago, and essentially got the message that their feelings are... inappropriate. My partner and I went through about 3-4 months of fighting about asexuality because she was certain... CERTAIN... that it was a trap. That if she admitted to it, then I would leave. And why wouldn't she think that?!

It takes work from the sexuals to make their partner feel secure enough to be honest. Some asexuals are out and proud and self-assured in their sexual preferences, but that's not true of most of the partners of the sexuals who find this site. I truly believe that if a sexual can't achieve an environment where their partner feels 100% safe voicing their feelings of sexual disinterest (or repulsion or fear or whatever), nothing will ever get better because nothing will ever be talked about openly.

I know it sounds like I'm putting the onus on the sexual partner, because I am. Because our asexual partners have spent their whole lives receiving the message that without sex, they'll lose the one they love, and that's really really scary. I think the least we can do is create a space where they can be honest without (too much) fear.

This is one of the kindest and most understanding things I have ever read.
Seconded. Not enough cake in the world for you, Skulls. :) :cake::cake::cake:
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Down in Texas


For starters, we are on AVEN under the section titled “For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies Are you a friend, relative or romantic partner of an asexual? Have some questions or need some support? Then this is the forum for you! You're welcome to use the rest of the board, as well, of course”. To me this is a thread for US sexuals to come to try to understand about asexuality. It is the ONE place on the ASEXUAL site we visit for help. Yes, we need the advice from you asexuals without it we would be spinning our wheels so to speak. Just to set a few things straight I was not directing or venting to ALL asexuals. My post was meant to be directed to those that are not in a committed long-term relationship such as marriage or those that have never been in such relationship.


Sally on a previous post if you will remember I thanked you for your input. I also told you that I thought you finally understood where I was coming from and before we go any further, I want you to know I am not upset with your last reply but ask you a question in return. You have commentated about having been in a marriage and you understand the needs of a sexual, so my question to you is do you remember the relief you felt when you discovered AVEN? If so then on my above statement can you not relate to the “I was always taught that there are two sides to every coin and that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction” comment I made. Would we not be the opposite side of your relief?


Hiswife was only on AVEN two days maybe three and the first thing she was hit with the first option she had from most was to leave. When you have been living in hurt and come to find this site and discover that the hurt most likely is not going to get any better IT is a punch in the gut, the opposite of your relief! All I was asking for was to walk her through a few days with the knowledge that brought you here. If you were in a marriage and you know the other side of her pain explain it to her. As you have to me once. She did not get any of that explanation. All she got was deal or leave. You asexuals that have experienced the pain on the other side need to remember that pain and instead of expecting all that come here to already be one the same page you are on without reading the beginning of the book and understand the story. Bring them up to speed by explaining the hurt you felt when you were in the relationship so that she or he who ever the newbie is has an understanding of what is going on in the mind of their partner or what may be going on in their mind... Instead, you have a tendency to think that all newbies should know your background and cut to the chase and just deal of leave. As it has been pointed out by ithaca that “Asexual people are not heartless human beings who only want to show off to society as being in a couple, or who want to hide their asexuality: they (we) fall in love just as sexuals, we care just as much as they do, we often try just as hard to make it work.” I know that I am married to one. However looking back I now know he was picked on and made fun of because he did not have a girlfriend and when he came home with makeup on his shirt they picked even harder. I did not understand at the time why he was asking me to stop wearing makeup but I did it for him because he asks. Then years later I meet some of his relatives and one ask, “So is this that one that got the makeup all over your shirt?” and my husband by then turned beet red from embarrassment. Therefore, it is from that which I make my reference to society from my own personal experience. Another thing pointed out by ithaca” I've been following this thread for a while now, and I'd like to thank everyone who participated. Everyone, to me, has just been trying to offer their advice to the OP on how to handle her situation.” It is my feeling that she did not come here for advice as to handle her situation she came here to learn about ASEXUAITY.

All I am trying to ask for is the acceptance of a newbie so that they can LEARN from the experiences of all of us. However, in a compassionate way so that they are given the feeling that brought you all to this site and armed with the knowledge that you can give with the emotions to explain WHY. Yes, I understand that it may bring up buried pain but it is that pain that a newbie needs in order to understand.

AVEN created the “For Sexual Partners, Friends and Alliesfor a reason. It is here that the sexual newbies come. Please find a way to help them and you cannot always “cut to the chase” sometimes you stumble to the finish line but you still make it there.

Just to insure that all understand I am not upset by the postings made after my previous post. I just felt it needed some clarification. Although my intentions were not to place
all under a blanket statement I can see how some may have thought that I had.For that I will apologize.

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You know what? In communication theory there is Grice saying that all people want to cooperate through communication and that you have to look at it from that point of view and what I believe is that we all want to help each other - sometimes it may not be expressed luckily but it is still a try to help.

Judy, I really love this idea and am interested in looking up this Grice person now, so thanks very much for this. :)

Last point: I am asexual and in the middle of my 20s. a week ago my dad told me on the phone to "just watch some nasty porn, so I may get horny" - some years ago I would have yelled at him for not understanding me at all, but he just wanted to help me (some like that doesn't help at all,but from a sexual point of view it must be worth a try) so today I get his intention. It is really not that hard.

I love this too. You seem so understanding for your age. It's an interesting shift, isn't it, when we can accept a range of responses from other people?

When my best friend (let's call her Elle) was killed in a car accident 26 years ago, her cousin (also a friend), said she felt relieved. Elle had been experimenting with alternative lifestyles and the cousin (a devout Mormon) was worried for her eternal soul. So, although it was incredibly painful to me to have her say Elle's death was a good thing, I understood that that was her honest response right then and I just listened, to give her that space.

Three years ago, the cousin (still my dear friend) lost her husband to cancer. In one of my trips to visit her, she remembered that conversation about Elle, and said she understood what pain I must have been in to have lost Elle. And we were finally able to talk about some of my thoughts about my friend and her experimenting, and that I hadn't worried about Elle making it through. The drugs, the sex, the rock and roll--it was a phase, and she would have been okay had she lived.

It was good to talk, and I love that we were gentle with each other through the whole process. So I would love to gentle this conversation too, and accept people where they are. I don't think anyone meant any harm--they were just expressing one or more small facets of their entire experience. "People are large. They contain multitudes" (to paraphrase Walt Whitman).

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All I am trying to ask for is the acceptance of a newbie so that they can LEARN from the experiences of all of us. However, in a compassionate way so that they are given the feeling that brought you all to this site and armed with the knowledge that you can give with the emotions to explain WHY. Yes, I understand that it may bring up buried pain but it is that pain that a newbie needs in order to understand.

I can provide a little more background with my posts, that is not an unreasonable request. It was 2:30am and I was on a touch screen tablet, so long posts can be hard sometimes. But, I will try to at least give a brief run down in the future.
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DowninTexas, I was actually not relieved when I found tha t there was a name for what I'd been feeling all my life. I was sad, because I knew I . was going to have to explain to my longtime partner (30+ years). When I visited AVEN and read some of the posts by sexuals -- many of whom were very upset and hoping that the problem with their partner could be fixed -- I knew what I would hear. I did indeed hear that, and I heard accusations that I had lied for years (I hadn't), that I had never loved him (I did love him and still do), and that I had now caused him to feel that I couldn't stand to be close to him (not true). It took at least a year to get through that phase, and we are no longer partners but trying to be friends.

During that year, I was essentially the counselor, patiently explaining what this did NOT mean, and what I had never been able feel, although I'd tried every way I could. It was extremely hard.

Perhaps you could look at some of the posts here with the knowledge that some of us have been through this sadness and yet are still trying to say things -- realistic things -- to help bring sexuals to a place where they can walk out of their anger and hurt and into a calmer place where they can make decisions. Some do not want to let go of their anger, and often those individuals show that immediately. After 5 years here, I'm beginning to think I can tell who will be committed to anger instead of knowledge. One of the ways to tell is that they start to insult commenters. When that happens, we respond as any human being would.

We are not mental health professionals. We are not doctors. We are not insult-proof.

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Down in Texas

All I am trying to ask for is the acceptance of a newbie so that they can LEARN from the experiences of all of us. However, in a compassionate way so that they are given the feeling that brought you all to this site and armed with the knowledge that you can give with the emotions to explain WHY. Yes, I understand that it may bring up buried pain but it is that pain that a newbie needs in order to understand.

I can provide a little more background with my posts, that is not an unreasonable request. It was 2:30am and I was on a touch screen tablet, so long posts can be hard sometimes. But, I will try to at least give a brief run down in the future.

Thank you, we are just trying to help the newbies and it is the vantage point of the asexual that we need the most information from when we sexuals come to the site new and in pain looking for answers.

I have been a member long enough now to understand but those that first come here as I did when I first found the site. We need to hear the feeling from the asexual side not just the deal or leave style attitudes we seem to get most of the time.

Again Thanks for understanding.. I know I have made mistakes in the past but I have learned and I try very hard not to blanket everyone under one set of standards. If I fail sometimes as I know I do please understand it IS NOT meant to hurt anyone. That is not the type of person I am.

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We need to hear the feeling from the asexual side not just the deal or leave style attitudes we seem to get most of the time.

That is not a fair description of what most often happens on AVEN.

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Down in Texas

DowninTexas, I was actually not relieved when I found tha t there was a name for what I'd been feeling all my life. I was sad, because I knew I . was going to have to explain to my longtime partner (30+ years). When I visited AVEN and read some of the posts by sexuals -- many of whom were very upset and hoping that the problem with their partner could be fixed -- I knew what I would hear. I did indeed hear that, and I heard accusations that I had lied for years (I hadn't), that I had never loved him (I did love him and still do), and that I had now caused him to feel that I couldn't stand to be close to him (not true). It took at least a year to get through that phase, and we are no longer partners but trying to be friends.

During that year, I was essentially the counselor, patiently explaining what this did NOT mean, and what I had never been able feel, although I'd tried every way I could. It was extremely hard.

Perhaps you could look at some of the posts here with the knowledge that some of us have been through this sadness and yet are still trying to say things -- realistic things -- to help bring sexuals to a place where they can walk out of their anger and hurt and into a calmer place where they can make decisions. Some do not want to let go of their anger, and often those individuals show that immediately. After 5 years here, I'm beginning to think I can tell who will be committed to anger instead of knowledge. One of the ways to tell is that they start to insult commenters. When that happens, we respond as any human being would.

We are not mental health professionals. We are not doctors. We are not insult-proof.

However, Sally it was not until you showed me this and allowed me to know your pain that I was able to realize that you were hearing me. It was not until then that I knew and not until you were able to tell me about your fears that I could then see some of those it fears in my husband. My husband did not communicate with me when ever I ask him a question the only answers I got were "I don't know" or "I dont think so" How can you NOT know if you were abused? Yet when I ask I got "I dont think so". It took realizing his fear for me to be able to change the way I looked at things.

However, not all people handle hurt the same way some lash out, other run and hid and yet others are able to face it face to face. Please your information is too valuable to those of us that truly need it. I beg you to reconsider your way in posting ONLY for newbies. I feel they need a bit of time to process what they are learning. As I have said recently there are many shades of GRAY and the tolerance and intolerance on all sides needs to be different for those that are finding out about Asexuality for the first time.

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We need to hear the feeling from the asexual side not just the deal or leave style attitudes we seem to get most of the time.

That is not a fair description of what most often happens on AVEN.

Will have to agree with Sally here. Most the time, yes leaving is put forward as an option. But, that is just an OPTION. Compromise is the most popular suggestion and communication, also what most asexuals tend to do in a mixed relationship. But, when one partner either cannot or will not communicate and it has been that way for many years, despite the other partners best efforts, leaving is something that must be seriously looked at. Without communication, mixed relationships are hard to keep going. And in this situation, her husband has put a road block in communication, which if it stays there I don't think it would be fair for her to remain waiting forever for him to figure himself out. I did suggest trying talking and suggest experimenting to find his comfort areas, but yes I put forward leaving as a perfectly viable option if he continues to make sex a taboo conversation and it distresses her so much.

I don't think anyone that has been part of a mixed relationship would ever say "deal with your partner not having sex with you or leave", anymore than they would say "just have sex and get it done with or leave". Both not having and having are things that can be emotionally damaging, depending on your feelings on sex.

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I beg you to reconsider your way in posting ONLY for newbies. I feel they need a bit of time to process what they are learning. As I have said recently there are many shades of GRAY and the tolerance and intolerance on all sides needs to be different for those that are finding out about Asexuality for the first time.

Down, as I said before, I think you should do a bit more research into posts by asexuals on AVEN on this mixed-relationship issue. You're making assumptions from very little data, and I really don't want to be told to reconsider my "way in posting".

I don't -- and I doubt if other asexuals on AVEN do -- make assumptions that all sexuals in mixed relationships are angry at asexuals, because I've seen many wonderful examples of loving, caring sexuals simply wanting to figure things out. The sexuals who lash out not only at their partners but also at AVEN posters are in the minority, as far as I can see.

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Go to counseling. If anyone here thinks that a sexual can wander into a therapist's office and just have a huge pity party and have all their anger affirmed by the counselor, they're nuts! A therapist is going to tell the sexual the same stuff that we do... you can't make someone have sex, you can't simply hope they will change, you need to take responsibility for your own actions and your own feelings. Therapy is a lot work, and it involves hearing a lot of information that is very unpleasant, and it entails forcing oneself to confront painful realities.

And really, isn't that what this is all about? Painful realities. Realizing that your sex life is never going to be "better", realizing that your partner really isn't just shy or scared but they really, truly, don't desire you... these are excruciatingly painful realities. It cuts deep. That pain of confronting reality is not the fault of AVEN posters, its not the fault of the therapist.... and continuing to have hostile discussion after hostile discussion about how some sexuals get bummed out by the answers is totally useless. It's the reality of asexuality that pisses people off. It's being told that they have to leave their partners alone and accept their sexual orientation that pisses people off. Unfortunately, that's reality and if it makes some sexuals leave, then so it is. I wouldn't expect anything different. There are always going to be people who get a diagnosis of cancer and insist on a second opinion... there are always going to be people who throw out bills without looking at them (me!) because the total is just too stressful... there are going to be parents who think their gay kid is just going thru a stage, and there are always going to be sexuals who refuse to accept that their partner cannot have sex happily and enthusiastically.

And I, for one, am sick of having thread after thread bitch about AVEN, when what is really going on is something far more banal, far more understandable... the stages of grief. Every sexual who goes thru denial or anger cannot be the catalyst for a widespread AVEN adjustment. It just means that that one particular person is grieving and coming to an understanding in their own way, at their own pace. and that's ok.

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Well, in any case, we still don't know for sure that HisWife's husband is asexual. My suggestion could be to show him some info, maybe the site, but I don't even know if HisWife will ever read the latest posts.

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*** I'm sexual and I'm not OK with a forum on AVEN for sexuals to rant about asexuals. .

My suggestion was for a safe place to express the feelings they are going through, especially for those who are new to the site and new to asexuality and don't understand what is going on in their lives. It definitely wasn't a suggestion they we condone abusing asexuals at all. I have no interest in upsetting anyone.

I agree with having a pinned thread where sexuals can express their feelings without argument or derision. Lady Girl and I exchanged some thoughts the other day about how sometimes I feel really ashamed, like a dirty animal, because of sex stuff. it would be nice to have a place just to express those feelings without asexual input. Venting is healthy and should be accommodated somehow.

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I have read this thread twice now and I do not see where HisWife has been hostile when it did not call for it. In fact, she has answered many people who have given out suggestions. Skullery Maid, you have accused her of not doing anything to change her sitaution. Really now? What is coming on this forum than? What is trying to talk to her husband about sex than? What is trying to go to therapy than? I don't see where you get that she isn't doing anything to help her sitaution. Or is it that you think that she should just leave him, and not doing that option means that she isn't doing anything about her sitaution. Honestly, where do you get the nerve to tell someone who is trying her darn hardest to help her marriage that she isn't doing anything?

Some do not want to let go of their anger, and often those individuals
show that immediately. After 5 years here, I'm beginning to think I can
tell who will be committed to anger instead of knowledge. One of the
ways to tell is that they start to insult commenters. When that
happens, we respond as any human being would.

HisWife only got angry when a commentor accused her of only caring about sex which, IMO, is very resonable. If someone said you only cared about yourself because you wont give sex to your partner, would that not anger you? I highly doubt it wouldn't.

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I have read this thread twice now and I do not see where HisWife has been hostile when it did not call for it. In fact, she has answered many people who have given out suggestions. Skullery Maid, you have accused her of not doing anything to change her sitaution. Really now? What is coming on this forum than? What is trying to talk to her husband about sex than? What is trying to go to therapy than? I don't see where you get that she isn't doing anything to help her sitaution. Or is it that you think that she should just leave him, and not doing that option means that she isn't doing anything about her sitaution. Honestly, where do you get the nerve to tell someone who is trying her darn hardest to help her marriage that she isn't doing anything?

Some do not want to let go of their anger, and often those individuals

show that immediately. After 5 years here, I'm beginning to think I can

tell who will be committed to anger instead of knowledge. One of the

ways to tell is that they start to insult commenters. When that

happens, we respond as any human being would.

HisWife only got angry when a commentor accused her of only caring about sex which, IMO, is very resonable. If someone said you only cared about yourself because you wont give sex to your partner, would that not anger you? I highly doubt it wouldn't.

I wasn't talking about HisWife, and I don't remember that Skullery told her. My ex-partner told me that exact thing after I told him about asexuality, and it didn't anger me; it made me feel sad because he hadn't understood.

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This thread has taken a turn towards personally attacking other member's posting styles. In addition to that, the OP seems to have left. The thread will stay locked until she comes back and requests to have it re-opened.

Lady Girl, Moderator

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