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HisWife

Marriage in trouble and needing support....

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Einy

Marriage doesn't need sex and if you are unhappy than leave (as bad as that sounds). Why try and change someone? Even is they changed would they really be themselves? Im sorry to say but I hate this about people, as you stated, you knew (sort of) what you were getting into when you first married him and yet you thought that you could change him. Ever consider that this is him. It might bother you that he doesn't want sex but ever stop to think that every time you ask for sex it bothers him? He is not broken and neither are you. You are just two people with separate desires. I'm sure that he loves you and wants to want to have sex just because you want it or its "normal". All Im saying is take his feelings into consideration. It really sucks when someone you love is constantly asking you to do something you are not comfortable with. Also if sex is something you definitely need then why stay with someone who doesn't want it? I'm sure it's something you need since you are looking for answers but maybe there are other things that can make you feel loved: emotional connections, talking, cuddling, kissing, etc. People overlook these things for a night in the bed. Which to me means nothing. I could take a walk with a loved one hand and hand and feel more of a connection that way. Also this is all probably very distressing for him as he is a man and not to be sexist or anything but that can be harder emotionally on a man in this society where it is so taboo for a man to not be sexually driven. If anything I think you need to compromise with him as much as you want him to compromise with you. Take a step back and think hey maybe this isn't all about me!

If someone doesn't want to have sex, they should just say it clearly. The partner of HisWife haven't probably said that. Then you can only guess what they really feel or want, but you're never sure. And when they constantly claim they want to have sex that makes you even more confused and lost. How are you supposed to know if it means - I want to want sex / you should try more/ I'm lying just don't bother me - you just have no way of knowing what it really means.

I don't see how HisWife should compromise more, they are not having sex, so what is his part of compromise?

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Lydian

If someone doesn't want to have sex, they should just say it clearly. The partner of HisWife haven't probably said that. Then you can only guess what they really feel or want, but you're never sure. And when they constantly claim they want to have sex that makes you even more confused and lost. How are you supposed to know if it means - I want to want sex / you should try more/ I'm lying just don't bother me - you just have no way of knowing what it really means.

I don't see how HisWife should compromise more, they are not having sex, so what is his part of compromise?

It's not always easy to figure out exactly what you're feeling. He might not be sure of what he wants either, and for an ace who doesn't know what they are it can be confusing and really hard when everyone is pushing you to be a certain way. When it comes to compromising, it sounds like neither of them are doing it. I think it would be a good idea to let the husband explore the forums and decide for himself if he is ace. The key is communication and understanding each other's needs. In my previous relationships, I didn't know why I didn't want sex and I didn't know how to explain myself to my partner other than knowing sex was something that felt very foreign and even disturbing to me. The difference between having a partner who understands this is what allows me to consider making a compromise because he knows it's hard for me and because of that it means so much more to him even if it isn't that great or I don't get into it. He also knows that it's not his fault or mine and doesn't take it as a personal insult that I'm not interested in having sex with him.

All in all, communication is key. I say sit your husband down and discuss the possiblity that he is ace, and then go from there. It's never going to be perfect, but it all depends on how far you're both willing to go to make things work.

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AwakenedGuy

I often ask the question, what if one of the people in the relationship actually had an accident and lost the ability to physically have sex (in this case the man loses his manhood in an accident), does that mean the relationship is now over because there can't be any sex?
Sex is just a method, one of many methods, that two people can use to express love. There are many other methods to express it though and sex isn't the only way.
May sound like TMI, but if someone has a big sexual desire but can't get any sex then they masturbate and that relieves and/or removes the desire until it reappears and you repeat the process.
I cannot comprehend how or why sexual intercourse is the maker or breaker of a relationship, love and relationships are meant to be based on love for eachother, not on our physicality.
When we move beyond this world and leave physicality behind is sex going to be what determines our love for eachother?

I think the problem here is 'intimacy' focused. So there is no sex but I believe the stress it's causing is probably creating such a rift that no other intimacy is being shared. Kissing, hugging, cuddling are all forms of intimacy. If you both stopped focusing so much on the sex aspect of the relationship I believe wholeheartedly that you can both begin to experience all other forms of intimacy and this will help mend the relationship.
When there is so much stress and focus on sex then he's probably too afraid to do anything at all with you because you're going to want it to lead further and he wont. As a result you're both losing touch with eachother.
Just stop this focus on sex and focus on ALL other forms of intimacy. you need to share and show eachother your love for eachother and just do it in ways that you can both be happy with. If cuddling, hugging and kissing is something you're both happy to do then make an agreement to do that and stop worrying about anything else.

If you want, see if although he doesn't want sex, see how he feels about pleasing you sexually in other ways that does not involve full intercourse. He might find this less stressful and worrying and you both get a decent and good level of sexual intimacy.

Stop thinking about 'full intercourse'. Star afresh and take it slow, agree to stop thinking or trying for inercourse and start by kissing, cuddling etc, maybe see if he's ok to move onto none intercourse pleasing and then stop there. If you compromise on no sex, perhaps he can compromise on sexual pleasing that's a step or two before intercourse and you can both at least find some intimacy.

I truly believe intimacy is all you need, the level and type of intimacy in the end likely doesn't matter so long as you get it and can both feel you love eachother.

So for me it would be:

STEP 1: Sit down together and tell him that full intercourse is a definite no go now. This will open him up, stop him stressing and worrying that if he tries anything with you it'll go all the way.

STEP 2: Enjoy the full range of other forms of intimacy without the stress and worry. Enjoy eachother in every other way and express yourself in every other way.

STEP 3: See how it goes, see if then he'd be willing to please sexually in none intercourse ways.

I can probably guarantee that in his mind he's going to be too scared, too clogged up emotionally and mentally over the fear of anything he does will lead to full intercourse that he wont do anything and remain wrapped up in himself. Remove his fear, let him know it's ok to do everything else and there is definitely no pressure and keep it at that and see how the relationship develops.

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Serran

Marriage doesn't need sex and if you are unhappy than leave (as bad as that sounds). Why try and change someone? Even is they changed would they really be themselves? Im sorry to say but I hate this about people, as you stated, you knew (sort of) what you were getting into when you first married him and yet you thought that you could change him. Ever consider that this is him. It might bother you that he doesn't want sex but ever stop to think that every time you ask for sex it bothers him? He is not broken and neither are you. You are just two people with separate desires. I'm sure that he loves you and wants to want to have sex just because you want it or its "normal". All Im saying is take his feelings into consideration. It really sucks when someone you love is constantly asking you to do something you are not comfortable with. Also if sex is something you definitely need then why stay with someone who doesn't want it? I'm sure it's something you need since you are looking for answers but maybe there are other things that can make you feel loved: emotional connections, talking, cuddling, kissing, etc. People overlook these things for a night in the bed. Which to me means nothing. I could take a walk with a loved one hand and hand and feel more of a connection that way. Also this is all probably very distressing for him as he is a man and not to be sexist or anything but that can be harder emotionally on a man in this society where it is so taboo for a man to not be sexually driven. If anything I think you need to compromise with him as much as you want him to compromise with you. Take a step back and think hey maybe this isn't all about me!

While this is true when a partner is asexual and has declared their disinterest in sex, Hiswife's partner has not done that yet. He says he wants it and if he does want it and it is distressing HIM as well as her to not have it, then it is a problem that should be looked at if he wants to. The issue with giving any solid advice here is he has not yet decided what he is, isn't, what he wants, or doesn't. Until then, it's a total guessing game for everyone involved.

I don't think it is unreasonable for her if he says he really wants to have sex, to ask him to see doctors etc to try to figure out why he can't. If he comes out and says "Yes, asexuality fits me, I don't really desire sex, but I desire desiring sex because it would make you happy and I love you"... well, then it's time to respect differences and see if any compromise can be made on both sides.

All one can do is take their partner at their word and trust they know themselves enough. He is still confused, so he needs to work through that, but what needs to be decided before any course of action can really be taken is his feelings on sex itself. Does he enjoy it? Does he miss it? Does he actually want to have it for his sake and not just his partners?

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Einy

I often ask the question, what if one of the people in the relationship actually had an accident and lost the ability to physically have sex (in this case the man loses his manhood in an accident), does that mean the relationship is now over because there can't be any sex?

It probably depends on how strong relationship people have and on many other factors? However, what bothers me the most is that my partner doesn't desire me sexually, that he just doesn't want it. (apart from the fact, he claims he does :-/ ) The lack of sex bothers me too but it can't be compared to the feelings of being undesired, at least for me.

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AwakenedGuy

I often ask the question, what if one of the people in the relationship actually had an accident and lost the ability to physically have sex (in this case the man loses his manhood in an accident), does that mean the relationship is now over because there can't be any sex?

It probably depends on how strong relationship people have and on many other factors? However, what bothers me the most is that my partner doesn't desire me sexually, that he just doesn't want it. (apart from the fact, he claims he does :-/ ) The lack of sex bothers me too but it can't be compared to the feelings of being undesired, at least for me.

If you don't mind me asking, do either of you use other forms of intimacy to show your desire for eachother? a passionate kiss is imo greater at transferring the feeling of desire than sex.

I can personally desire (love) someone in ways that aren't sexual and I can express that in none sexual ways.

I think in some relationships there's an underlying fear in the asexual person that if they do anything passionate or intimate that their partner is going to want it to go further so they stop even expressing their love or desire in other ways. I think it's very important in relationships between sexual and asexual people (certain types of asexual anyway) that the asexual person has their fears relieved and they are told it's ok to do everything else and that they don't have to fear it having to lead to sexual intercourse. I believe once the asexual persons fears are relieved they can open up more if not fully and a relationship can be experienced more intimately.

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Einy

I often ask the question, what if one of the people in the relationship actually had an accident and lost the ability to physically have sex (in this case the man loses his manhood in an accident), does that mean the relationship is now over because there can't be any sex?

It probably depends on how strong relationship people have and on many other factors? However, what bothers me the most is that my partner doesn't desire me sexually, that he just doesn't want it. (apart from the fact, he claims he does :-/ ) The lack of sex bothers me too but it can't be compared to the feelings of being undesired, at least for me.

If you don't mind me asking, do either of you use other forms of intimacy to show your desire for eachother? a passionate kiss is imo greater at transferring the feeling of desire than sex.

I can personally desire (love) someone in ways that aren't sexual and I can express that in none sexual ways.

I think in some relationships there's an underlying fear in the asexual person that if they do anything passionate or intimate that their partner is going to want it to go further so they stop even expressing their love or desire in other ways. I think it's very important in relationships between sexual and asexual people (certain types of asexual anyway) that the asexual person has their fears relieved and they are told it's ok to do everything else and that they don't have to fear it having to lead to sexual intercourse. I believe once the asexual persons fears are relieved they can open up more if not fully and a relationship can be experienced more intimately.

No, we don't even kiss or cuddle at all. I can understand the fears you're talking about, but I said to him that I will definitely not initiate anything sexual I also told him that we could try to be physically intimate again while sex would be off the table. It didn't help, he still doesn't even touch me and I'm very hesitant to start anything as I don't want to pressure him and I want him to want to touch me and not just because I want it. Maybe he's just kind of person that doesn't need much physical intimacy but he wasn't like this in the beginning. While it would be great to be physically intimate again, I'm afraid I would miss sexual intimacy even more then.

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AwakenedGuy

Maybe he's just kind of person that doesn't need much physical intimacy but he wasn't like this in the beginning.

Hmmm, if he was like it in the beginning maybe the relationship needs a respark? Sort of like taking it back to the beginning and doing things you'd have done when you first got together. Going for candlelit meals, go ice skating together and let him keep you from falling down ;) , go to the cinema and cross your arm around his and lean on him a lot. Then go outside where it's cold and where he'll have to hug ya to keep ya warm. Ya know, sparky things. :wacko:

I don't know, I'm just rambling. lol

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Einy

Maybe he's just kind of person that doesn't need much physical intimacy but he wasn't like this in the beginning.

Hmmm, if he was like it in the beginning maybe the relationship needs a respark? Sort of like taking it back to the beginning and doing things you'd have done when you first got together. Going for candlelit meals, go ice skating together and let him keep you from falling down ;) , go to the cinema and cross your arm around his and lean on him a lot. Then go outside where it's cold and where he'll have to hug ya to keep ya warm. Ya know, sparky things. :wacko:

I don't know, I'm just rambling. lol

Thanks, these are nice ideas, however, I'm quite afraid to start being more affectionate. I think he needs to start it. Next week I'm going with him to his therapist so I guess we will talk about it.

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Down in Texas

While I was writing the following post, which took me a while, since I was babysitting my 8-1/2 month old grandson. I read all the post that were posted while I was babysitting and still I see a lot of you posting as if she already knew about asexuality when she posted that she stumbled upon it in her first sentence.

What has happened to all the advice on the thread Sexual Compromise & Support? Where have all of you gone? Those that kept posting on how those of us in a Mixed Committed Relationship needed to learn to Communicate and Compromise? How are we to learn about asexuality if you do not give us a chance? Before you blast us for not being more understanding of what we did not know of in the first place. It was not until we came here and found there was an orientation we did not know about that we could then begin to understand. It was this type of postings, when I first found AVEN that made me leave for a long time. I did not feel anyone was listening to me and I didnot feel welcome. It was not until I read more and learned more that I began to understand and then returned. I feel you are doing the same thing to most newbies that comes here looking for help. If that newbie is asexual it is my (and I emphasize only MY) feeling that you welcomed them with open arms. However, if you are the sexual looking for help, then we are basically being told to suck it up you cannot change an asexual and you knew what you had or should have known before you became involved. On the other hand, you imply you have been lived with it long enough that you do not have a right to hurt, just deal or leave. Leaving is not that easy for many reasons, some financial and some emotional. Some of us DO LOVE our asexual mate but that does not stop us from hurting and longing for what we thought we were getting when we married. Especially for those of us where sex was a part of our relationship when we entered into it. What I feel a lot are forgetting is that there are MANY shades of GRAY and not ALL asexuals are black or white some have levels of tolerance and even enjoyment, even if it is at a lesser degree than that of a sexual.

Hiswife came to us for information and help! As I see it, SHE is in a committed mixed relationship. She is looking for answers! She already knows what she is dealing with as far as not having sex she just did not know that it had a name or that there is no “FIX” for her or anyone that is living with an asexual. That Asexuality cannot be “Fixed”. The thing is until you know about Asexuality you do not know there is NO hope or Limited hope if your asexual is in the GRAY area. Nor do you know that it cannot be “FIXED” only after learning about asexuality can one begin to understand just what one is facing and it is then that the decisions have to start to be brought to the surface and dealt with. For a sexual whose mind is wired for sex until you are exposed to the term and knowledge of asexuality, you think everyone is sexual to some degree. Therefor you look for “fixes” or “causes” for why sex is not what you expected and many of us sexuals blame most of the lack of interest on ourselves. We run through a whole gambit of “what if’s”. What did I do wrong? What if I looked better? What if I worked harder? What if I was better at sex? What if What if? and the list goes on and on. We do not start out blaming our asexual partner and we do not automatically stop LOVING them. Nor can we simply up and leave. It is my hope that we can find a way to welcome a newbie with a little more compassion. If that means to some that we handle them carefully for a period of time that allows them time to process what they are finding for the first time, so be it. Instead of punching them in the gut and then saying, what is wrong can’t breathe? Live with it! Just finding out that asexuality exist is a big enough punch to most of us for it takes away all hope and dreams of what we thought marriage would be. However, just because that dream is lost it does not mean we are looking for an easy out. As I have read from many sexuals that have posted here on AVEN, we all go through periods of pain and acceptance. It is just being in that period of pain that we sometimes post feeling of hurt and it is then that we need some compassion.

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HisWife

Dead and Lovely....YOU need to step back, actually. I find every word of your post offensive and appallingly presumptuous. For starters, I did NOT know what I was getting into when I got married....what I THOUGHT was that we had mismatched libidos, which was something I thought we could work on. He was every 10 days-2 weeks, I preferred once or twice a week. Not a dealbreaker. Celibacy is far different.

Secondly, I don't "constantly" "ask for sex"....what I do is approach my husband at neutral times to discuss WHY we aren't HAVING SEX. I have never asked for sex in my life.

I connect with my husband on HUNDREDS of levels. Just because I want to have sex, does NOT mean I don't appreciate hand holding, hugging, conversation, and kissing. Talk about being judgemental!!! Where do you get off taking that leap, that ALL I want is sex? OBVIOUSLY, there is more to my marriage then just sex...OR I WOULD NOT STILL BE IN IT. Is sex the most important thing...? NO......but the absense of it causes a ripple effect of rejection, insecurity and confusion. I don't "overlook these things for a night in bed"...and don't know who you think you are to say that.

And honestly..? How dare you say that I 'need to compromise with him..."!!!! *I* am the one who has fallen in line with HIS needs....while mine go unmet, so for anyone to say that I need to compromise is absurd...I am living a life of celibacy, and *I* need to compromise? More? Compromise is when one person gives a bit, and the other gives a bit....right?

The argumentative tone of some of these responses is making me think this isn't the place for me. For those of you who have helped shed some light on this and were supportive, I thank you. But some people need to have a lesson in compassion and kindness. Which is s shame, because if your aim is to help, then you need to create a NON JUDGEMENTAL atmospere for ALL, in an effort to move towards understanding.

For those of you who took the time to help, I thank you.

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HisWife

After posting the above, I realized that I had missed an entire page of responses. I read "Dead and Lovely's" hurtful and ridiculously presumptuous post and hit "reply" without seeing page 2. I thank everyone who posted after "dead's" post, and I feel alot better reading what some of you have posted since.

"Down in Texas".....bless you for putting into words what I was feeling. I agree with each and every word.

"awakened Guy"....I appreciate the time you toomk to write all of that. I feel it neccesary to point out that my husband and I adore each other. Which actually makes it harder for me. The thing is, he HAS asked if we could "just" cuddle or whatever....and that "maybe it would lead somewhere if we could both just relax"....and I GET that, I do. And many, MANY times, I would spoon with him and watch a movie, lay on his lap, whatever.....but please understand that I want him...I want him, I want him.....and those events never led anywhere. If they ended with sex even 20% of the time, ok. But he has a way of bringing it back to a brother/sister type thing....like, if I kiss his neck, he kisses my forehead, or he will call me a silly pet name....it's like he cannot HANDLE the closeness if there is ANY sexual undertone. Because of course in the 12 years we have been together, there has been many a night of snuggling, closeness....it just never ends with sex.

So am I ok with other kinds of intimacy? Yes...sure....they all just make me want him, and then I feel sad and sometimes angry. I can't have a make-out session that doesn't lead anywhere...! At least I can't do that all the time, I mean. And would I be ok if he just touched me, but we didn't have intercourse...? SURE! All day long, I would be ok with that. It would appear that all of it makes him uncomfortable.

I really like your ideas for approaching this with him. I honestly feel that I have not only compromised, but have actually 100% given in to HIS way of life.....and it is no longer acceptable for me. So something needs to change....and yes, I love him (and Dead & Lovelys absurd statement that one should "just leave" is ridiculous, and I wonder if she has ever taken vows), I love the family we have built. But the pain has become too much to bear, and I am no longer able to sacrifice such an important poart of myself for the someone else's sake. Compromise needs to happen.

Blees you again, Down in Texas....truly....thank you.

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Skullery Maid

Everything Down In Texas said is true... until we find AVEN, our mindset is completely different.... and most of us seem to have partners who continue to tell us they want to have sex, only to repeatedly fail to follow through on promises. I'm sure its a great perspective to be 20 years old, no long term, committed adult relationship experience, totally out and comfy with your asexuality... but that's the exact opposite situation as the one we are finding ourselves in.

Sally, IMO, wasn't harsh at all and I want to echo her sentiments. You can't make him do anything. you can call him weak and unmanly all you want, but you're only making the situation worse by doing so. Also, HisWife, I think you are greatly overestimating the satisfaction you'd receive from occasional coerced sex. Even if he does suck it up and bang you, it very well may make you feel shitty anyway because it'll feel so detached.

If you are miserable you need to change. You can sit around and blame him for your feelings, but at some point, it becomes your fault for failing to do something about it.

No one would blame you if your house suddenly flooded, right? That isn't your fault. But if you stayed in your house as water levels rise and rise, and you eventually drown... well, that's all on you.

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Sally

So am I ok with other kinds of intimacy? Yes...sure....they all just make me want him, and then I feel sad and sometimes angry. I can't have a make-out session that doesn't lead anywhere...! At least I can't do that all the time, I mean. And would I be ok if he just touched me, but we didn't have intercourse...? SURE! All day long, I would be ok with that. It would appear that all of it makes him uncomfortable.

His, the above puzzles me. I as an asexual in two long sexual relationships (in both of which I did not know anything about asexuality, and just tried my best to be what my partner wanted me to be) was increasingly wary of any touching, because I felt it would lead to sex. So I wonder if you are really OK with touching without intercourse? If so, you could communicate that with him, because he might be as wary as I was. But if you do -- as you say above -- have difficulty with a make-out session without sex, then realize that and try to determine just what you can do, and what you can't do, as far as compromise.

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HisWife

Sally....perhaps I need to be clearer...."intercourse" is one thing, other forms of sex are another....ANY or ALL of it would be ok with me. So while it's nice to make out with my husband, and it does in fact make me feel close to him, I also grew to find it incredibly frustrating because I get aroused and then...boom...have to just stop. It is incredibly difficult. You know, during the post-partum period, the woman is not supposed to have sex for 6 or 8 weeks....and yet so many women still do sexual things with their husbands in that time....and maybe this is what I mean....ok, so if you can't, you can't....but perhaps you could do *something*?

That said....I don't believe that this site is for me. I just fuind quite a bit of hostility, and it just isn't helpful.

Skullery Maid, I would ask you to go re-read "Down in Texas"" post. Then I would offer you this........If my house were flooding, and the water levels rising, I would expect that my husband and I would help one another, and our daughter, to get safely out of the house. As a family.

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Skullery Maid

So am I ok with other kinds of intimacy? Yes...sure....they all just make me want him, and then I feel sad and sometimes angry. I can't have a make-out session that doesn't lead anywhere...! At least I can't do that all the time, I mean. And would I be ok if he just touched me, but we didn't have intercourse...? SURE! All day long, I would be ok with that. It would appear that all of it makes him uncomfortable.

His, the above puzzles me. I as an asexual in two long sexual relationships (in both of which I did not know anything about asexuality, and just tried my best to be what my partner wanted me to be) was increasingly wary of any touching, because I felt it would lead to sex. So I wonder if you are really OK with touching without intercourse? If so, you could communicate that with him, because he might be as wary as I was. But if you do -- as you say above -- have difficulty with a make-out session without sex, then realize that and try to determine just what you can do, and what you can't do, as far as compromise.

Agreed. I'm sometimes surprised at the stuff my partner considers sexual pressure. I found out that whenever I give her massages, she thinks its some sort of "now you owe me sex" move... so I've started only touching her like that in completely non-sexual situations (fully clothed, not in the bedroom). I found out that any physical enjoyment I express when being touched is taken as "I'm ready for sex now!"... and truth be told, I probably am ready for sex, but that was never my intended communication. And, she says sometimes I look at her "longingly" and that makes her feel horrible. That one is the hardest to work on, but I've been trying.

HisWife, I'm not sure how open and honest your husband is willing to be, but you may want to talk to him about some of this. It took many, many talks with mine before she was willing to be open with me about it... so don't expect conversational miracles overnight, but maybe if you approached him with "I know my behavior and feelings make you feel pressured and anxious, and I want that cycle to stop. I don't want you to ever feel like you're letting me down.".

The guilt and anxiety that our partners feel is tremendous. He knows he's not fulfilling your desires and needs. I bet he thinks about it a lot more than you think he does. But he can't bring it up without being accused of creating the situation himself by not having sex with you. I imagine that to him, he doesn't feel like he has any option but to do the one thing he can't do. My best suggestion is that you need to find a way to take that pressure and guilt off of him so that he has the emotional safe space to open up to you.

Sally....perhaps I need to be clearer...."intercourse" is one thing, other forms of sex are another....ANY or ALL of it would be ok with me. So while it's nice to make out with my husband, and it does in fact make me feel close to him, I also grew to find it incredibly frustrating because I get aroused and then...boom...have to just stop. It is incredibly difficult. You know, during the post-partum period, the woman is not supposed to have sex for 6 or 8 weeks....and yet so many women still do sexual things with their husbands in that time....and maybe this is what I mean....ok, so if you can't, you can't....but perhaps you could do *something*?

That said....I don't believe that this site is for me. I just fuind quite a bit of hostility, and it just isn't helpful.

Skullery Maid, I would ask you to go re-read "Down in Texas"" post. Then I would offer you this........If my house were flooding, and the water levels rising, I would expect that my husband and I would help one another, and our daughter, to get safely out of the house. As a family.

In other words, unless he does exactly what you want him to do, you'd just sit in the house and drown. I'm sorry, but that's not good enough. your life, happiness, existence is not dependant on him, and you are putting waaaay too much pressure on your husband if you're willing to say "unless you save me, I'll just sit here and drown.". You're a grown woman, its time to learn to save yourself.

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Lydian

The guilt and anxiety that our partners feel is tremendous. He knows he's not fulfilling your desires and needs. I bet he thinks about it a lot more than you think he does. But he can't bring it up without being accused of creating the situation himself by not having sex with you. I imagine that to him, he doesn't feel like he has any option but to do the one thing he can't do. My best suggestion is that you need to find a way to take that pressure and guilt off of him so that he has the emotional safe space to open up to you.

It always makes me really happy to hear someone who isn't asexual realize how stressful it can be and how hard. I once had a 'concerned friend' butt his way into my relationship and try to tell me that 'everyone has fears to overcome. I have a fear of needles.' Ouch. I think it takes someone really amazing to accept their partner the way it sounds like you do and I want to tell you you have my total respect. Understanding each other is what relationships are all about, right? ^^

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Lady Girl

I've been following and contributed some to this thread. I don't think the contributors are being hostile, but offering their best piece of advice for you based on their experience in relationships and in some cases, simply as asexual people and how they feel about sex. Some of the comments may not have been received well by you, however, I don't think there was any ill intent here.

The bottom line is that you have three choices in this situation.

1) Leave

2) Reach a compromise that you both accept

3) Open the marriage to another partner for one or both of you

There just really isn't much else. I for one am sorry you feel bad...I've been there. You said a couple months ago you had date night and did have sex, after how long without? Is it possible that for him this feels like it only happened yesterday? I'm not trying to be sarcastic, I'm honestly just wondering.

My husband is asexual, and we've been married for 26 years...I have empathy for you but feeling sorry for you isn't going to help you in my estimation. Hearing what others have done and how they feel about it may seem hurtful, but if it's the truth, it will actually be helpful in the end.

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Serran

Sally....perhaps I need to be clearer...."intercourse" is one thing, other forms of sex are another....ANY or ALL of it would be ok with me. So while it's nice to make out with my husband, and it does in fact make me feel close to him, I also grew to find it incredibly frustrating because I get aroused and then...boom...have to just stop. It is incredibly difficult. You know, during the post-partum period, the woman is not supposed to have sex for 6 or 8 weeks....and yet so many women still do sexual things with their husbands in that time....and maybe this is what I mean....ok, so if you can't, you can't....but perhaps you could do *something*?

That said....I don't believe that this site is for me. I just fuind quite a bit of hostility, and it just isn't helpful.

Skullery Maid, I would ask you to go re-read "Down in Texas"" post. Then I would offer you this........If my house were flooding, and the water levels rising, I would expect that my husband and I would help one another, and our daughter, to get safely out of the house. As a family.

Intercourse and other sexual things can cause great anxiety in many asexuals and some others with other sexual concerns. So, while some things MAY be easier for him, they may not. You won't know until you discuss it with him and his feelings on each thing. His being reluctant will make it difficult. I personally find oral easier than intercourse many days, as long as I don't have to be touched myself. But, this took months of working out what I was ok with after I figured out I was asexual. And if he ends up being uncomfortable with ALL forms of sexual interaction, there will have to come a choice of leave or if poly/open relationship style is OK with you guys, that could be an option. You can't force someone to have sex, if they don't want to, so that is a possibility you must prepare for and decide what you want to do if that is the case.

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Rain Girl

HiWife,

Like you sex faded slowly in our relationship & we now have a celibate platonic romantic and loving relationship. I also did not sign up for that in the beginning even if there were signs. I also thought that it would change because I assumed everyone is sexual. I just had to try hard enough. And I tried very hard for years.

Like you, my partner is wonderful and there is so much more that binds us. Like your partner she kept telling me she wants me. Like you I noticed that her behavior was always so different to her intent / words. I think she would like it to be different, I now she cares but I think she means " I would like to be sexual and to want you but I don't really" my observation is that she would rather sleep, watch tele, stay up cleaning, all sorts of things than have sex. It does not cross her mind.

Years of angst,thinking and feeling more miserable I also feel it has to change. I know from just the plain evidence of how things have been that t won't change. We talk a lot and she is my favorite person but not having that intimacy is making me miserable, resentful and sad. You don't need to persuade me of the importance of being able to express love and desire physically, or how life affirming it is to have sex, pleasure, passion with the person you love and desire. Sure you can cuddle and thats great...but I also feel that that requires for me to 'edit out' a large part of who you are.

My partner and I had an open relationship the previous year. It was delicious to have a lover with her support. It really did confirm that she is asexual and reminded me of the energy and wellbeing that sexual intimacy can bring. But it has not addressed the feelings I have for her and unmet longing. Nor the feelings of being unwanted ...even if I understand more since being part if this forum.

Others can't tell you what to do but share what has worked for them. Its comforting for me to at at least hear your story and feel validated. It's good you have decided you need change. Do you know what you would like to be different?

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HisWife

Thank you Rain Girl. What I would like to be different? I would like to have a sexual relationship with my husband. That's really all. An open relationship is not in any way an option. I would find that to be morally wrong, against my religion, not to mention I have ZERO desire to be with anyone but my huband as of now. What else I would like to be different? For HIM to expend energy trying to figure out the whys and reasons why he is this way. If he expended 1/4 of the energy on it that *I* spend, we'd likely be able to heal our relationship.

I keep hearing all of you saying that I need to talk to him, I need to ask him, etc.....it's been 12 years. I have talked. I have asked. For more than a decade. Of course, what began as a gentle tap on the sholder and a "Hey babe....listen, is everything ok...? has grown into a very unhappy state of affairs. Lonely, sad, resentful, abandoned.

Yes, obviously I need to decide where this is going. But I am not in this marriage alone.

As I said in my OP, I did stumble here....in looking for some way to explain any or all of this. I have googled "sexless marriages", I have googled "latent homosexuality" I have googled "sex aversion". MInd you, my husband INSISTS that NONE of those are the case. The most he is able to be clear on is that he "gets all fucked up in the head" when it comes to having sex, and that he *thinks* that most of it is due to ED, and feeling ashamed and embarrassed. He feels he may put too much pressure on himself, hoping that sex will be ok, but most of the time just turns to avoidance. He doesn't say anything concrete, he just throws ideas around.

Ideally, we could come to a compromise. Not him having sex 3 times aweek, but also not me living a celibate life. I am willing and able to meet somewhere in the middle, and yes, it is something I plan on bringing to him this weekend when we have alone time to talk.

Having said that, this will be my last post here. You don't have to agree, but I find the enviornment with some members to be too hostile and confrontational and accusatory for me. The air of nastiness overshadows any air of kindness and compassion. 24 hours ago, I didn't know that "asexual" was even an orientation....so give me a fucking minute to catch up. Beating me up, telling me I'm pressuring him, even saying "even if he just sucks it up and bangs you..." Sorry, crude and uneccesary.

If you're interested in educating people on what asexuality is, then do so....but when someone comes in with an open mind and a broken heart, you might want to just maybe stop accusing and start having compassion.


I know what my choices are....and I think I have posted at least 3 or times that I want compromise. Yet some still want to tell me that I need to figure it out, I need to either accept him, compromise or leave.. I get it. I got it after the first time I said it. Leaving isn't as easy as all of you seem to think it is. I am in love with him....we have a child who we worship...we aren't 20 year olds who live in a studio apartment, who can just gather up our CDs and leave. We cannot "just" end it, any more than we can "just" fix it.

Skullery....your perception is fascinating. "unless he does exactly what I want him to"? Really? Where do you get that? In the analogy of the flooding house, I would see the water as OUR problem. I wouldn't run out without considering him, his safety, our daughters safety. I DON'T LIVE IN A HOUSE BY MYSELF. I HAVE OTHER PEOPLE TO CONSIDER. We are a family, I would see the water as something that was a threat to OUR FAMILY, and I would want us ALL to get out safely. And yes I would likely drown trying to save my husband and daughter....but saving them would absolutely be my priority. You are incredibly nasty.

If those of you who were harsh and rude feel good about how you represented yourself....great. But in my book, that is not compassion, that is not trying to educate, that is not helping your cause, which is, I assume, to promote understanding. ?? Try being respectful. I have been nothing but.

So while this forum was my introduction to the word "asexual person"....it will be my last interaction. I will gather some info and share it with my husband, with the hope that we can save our family. But this forum is absolutely not for me, and I will not be posting again.

Thank you to those among you who tried to be helpful.

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Sally

What else I would like to be different? For HIM to expend energy trying to figure out the whys and reasons why he is this way. If he expended 1/4 of the energy on it that *I* spend, we'd likely be able to heal our relationship.

His, on the chance that you will read this, I'm going to say something you won't want to hear, but it is not offered in a hostile manner. I offer it simply as reality, the reality that I've learned through 6 decades of life. Because no, I'm not a 20-year-old, and yes, I had two children, and I had a divorce, and I know how painful that is.

Here it is: you will get nowhere -- nowhere -- expecting him to figure out why he is the way he is. That's because he has just as much right to ask you to figure out why you are the way you are. If you don't look at this from an equal point of view, you will continue to feel oppressed, and he will continue to feel guilty, and neither of you will be happy, nor will your daughter thank you for staying unhappy together.

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Serran

Thank you Rain Girl. What I would like to be different? I would like to have a sexual relationship with my husband. That's really all. An open relationship is not in any way an option. I would find that to be morally wrong, against my religion, not to mention I have ZERO desire to be with anyone but my huband as of now. What else I would like to be different? For HIM to expend energy trying to figure out the whys and reasons why he is this way. If he expended 1/4 of the energy on it that *I* spend, we'd likely be able to heal our relationship.

I keep hearing all of you saying that I need to talk to him, I need to ask him, etc.....it's been 12 years. I have talked. I have asked. For more than a decade. Of course, what began as a gentle tap on the sholder and a "Hey babe....listen, is everything ok...? has grown into a very unhappy state of affairs. Lonely, sad, resentful, abandoned.

Yes, obviously I need to decide where this is going. But I am not in this marriage alone.

As I said in my OP, I did stumble here....in looking for some way to explain any or all of this. I have googled "sexless marriages", I have googled "latent homosexuality" I have googled "sex aversion". MInd you, my husband INSISTS that NONE of those are the case. The most he is able to be clear on is that he "gets all fucked up in the head" when it comes to having sex, and that he *thinks* that most of it is due to ED, and feeling ashamed and embarrassed. He feels he may put too much pressure on himself, hoping that sex will be ok, but most of the time just turns to avoidance. He doesn't say anything concrete, he just throws ideas around.

Ideally, we could come to a compromise. Not him having sex 3 times aweek, but also not me living a celibate life. I am willing and able to meet somewhere in the middle, and yes, it is something I plan on bringing to him this weekend when we have alone time to talk.

Having said that, this will be my last post here. You don't have to agree, but I find the enviornment with some members to be too hostile and confrontational and accusatory for me. The air of nastiness overshadows any air of kindness and compassion. 24 hours ago, I didn't know that "asexual" was even an orientation....so give me a fucking minute to catch up. Beating me up, telling me I'm pressuring him, even saying "even if he just sucks it up and bangs you..." Sorry, crude and uneccesary.

If you're interested in educating people on what asexuality is, then do so....but when someone comes in with an open mind and a broken heart, you might want to just maybe stop accusing and start having compassion.

I know what my choices are....and I think I have posted at least 3 or times that I want compromise. Yet some still want to tell me that I need to figure it out, I need to either accept him, compromise or leave.. I get it. I got it after the first time I said it. Leaving isn't as easy as all of you seem to think it is. I am in love with him....we have a child who we worship...we aren't 20 year olds who live in a studio apartment, who can just gather up our CDs and leave. We cannot "just" end it, any more than we can "just" fix it.

Skullery....your perception is fascinating. "unless he does exactly what I want him to"? Really? Where do you get that? In the analogy of the flooding house, I would see the water as OUR problem. I wouldn't run out without considering him, his safety, our daughters safety. I DON'T LIVE IN A HOUSE BY MYSELF. I HAVE OTHER PEOPLE TO CONSIDER. We are a family, I would see the water as something that was a threat to OUR FAMILY, and I would want us ALL to get out safely. And yes I would likely drown trying to save my husband and daughter....but saving them would absolutely be my priority. You are incredibly nasty.

If those of you who were harsh and rude feel good about how you represented yourself....great. But in my book, that is not compassion, that is not trying to educate, that is not helping your cause, which is, I assume, to promote understanding. ?? Try being respectful. I have been nothing but.

So while this forum was my introduction to the word "asexual person"....it will be my last interaction. I will gather some info and share it with my husband, with the hope that we can save our family. But this forum is absolutely not for me, and I will not be posting again.

Thank you to those among you who tried to be helpful.

On the chance you might read this - I understand you have talked and asked, as I said nothing can really be done to make it better until he is willing to OPENLY discuss it with you. I don't mean you aren't asking, trying to talk, but you mentioned his reluctance and until communications open in a relationship, issues are rarely ever resolved, sadly. I wish you luck in your next talk with him on compromising, maybe after doing some reading and such he'll be more ready to talk the issue over. And I get leaving is not easy as just get up and go - but staying for children and family when you are miserable is not healthy, no matter how much you love someone, so it is sometimes needed. My Mother stayed in a marriage that didn't work for her for over 20 years due to kids and money and it did no good for anyone involved, especially her children. If a compromise that makes both of you content, even if not perfectly happy, isn't reached then it is something that should be considered. I never said you were pressuring him, so hopefully you didn't take my comments on how hard forcing yourself to have sex can be as meaning that. I just know how hard it is sometimes to have sex, even with a compromise in place, when I simply would rather be doing something else.

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ms. mortricia

I also did not consider anyone's posts to be hostile, but that people had strong feelings and opinions on the topic, or that their personal experiences led them to respond to certain aspects of the topic.

As for myself, Id like to take a step back and express in a more general way how I feel.

I have deep compassion for those in a relationship where one or both people are sexually frustrated or unhappy. I have deep compassion for people who are in a loving, committed relationship but who, for whatever reason, find that they are mismatched sexually. I feel for both people, and realize how difficult the situation is for both. I think of sex as something that is vital to most people, as important as emotional connection, and my heart goes out to those who are not able to have that sexual connection with the person they love.

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Skullery Maid

Thank you Rain Girl. What I would like to be different? I would like to have a sexual relationship with my husband. That's really all. An open relationship is not in any way an option. I would find that to be morally wrong, against my religion, not to mention I have ZERO desire to be with anyone but my huband as of now. What else I would like to be different? For HIM to expend energy trying to figure out the whys and reasons why he is this way. If he expended 1/4 of the energy on it that *I* spend, we'd likely be able to heal our relationship.

I keep hearing all of you saying that I need to talk to him, I need to ask him, etc.....it's been 12 years. I have talked. I have asked. For more than a decade. Of course, what began as a gentle tap on the sholder and a "Hey babe....listen, is everything ok...? has grown into a very unhappy state of affairs. Lonely, sad, resentful, abandoned.

Yes, obviously I need to decide where this is going. But I am not in this marriage alone.

As I said in my OP, I did stumble here....in looking for some way to explain any or all of this. I have googled "sexless marriages", I have googled "latent homosexuality" I have googled "sex aversion". MInd you, my husband INSISTS that NONE of those are the case. The most he is able to be clear on is that he "gets all fucked up in the head" when it comes to having sex, and that he *thinks* that most of it is due to ED, and feeling ashamed and embarrassed. He feels he may put too much pressure on himself, hoping that sex will be ok, but most of the time just turns to avoidance. He doesn't say anything concrete, he just throws ideas around.

Ideally, we could come to a compromise. Not him having sex 3 times aweek, but also not me living a celibate life. I am willing and able to meet somewhere in the middle, and yes, it is something I plan on bringing to him this weekend when we have alone time to talk.

Having said that, this will be my last post here. You don't have to agree, but I find the enviornment with some members to be too hostile and confrontational and accusatory for me. The air of nastiness overshadows any air of kindness and compassion. 24 hours ago, I didn't know that "asexual" was even an orientation....so give me a fucking minute to catch up. Beating me up, telling me I'm pressuring him, even saying "even if he just sucks it up and bangs you..." Sorry, crude and uneccesary.

If you're interested in educating people on what asexuality is, then do so....but when someone comes in with an open mind and a broken heart, you might want to just maybe stop accusing and start having compassion.

I know what my choices are....and I think I have posted at least 3 or times that I want compromise. Yet some still want to tell me that I need to figure it out, I need to either accept him, compromise or leave.. I get it. I got it after the first time I said it. Leaving isn't as easy as all of you seem to think it is. I am in love with him....we have a child who we worship...we aren't 20 year olds who live in a studio apartment, who can just gather up our CDs and leave. We cannot "just" end it, any more than we can "just" fix it.

Skullery....your perception is fascinating. "unless he does exactly what I want him to"? Really? Where do you get that? In the analogy of the flooding house, I would see the water as OUR problem. I wouldn't run out without considering him, his safety, our daughters safety. I DON'T LIVE IN A HOUSE BY MYSELF. I HAVE OTHER PEOPLE TO CONSIDER. We are a family, I would see the water as something that was a threat to OUR FAMILY, and I would want us ALL to get out safely. And yes I would likely drown trying to save my husband and daughter....but saving them would absolutely be my priority. You are incredibly nasty.

If those of you who were harsh and rude feel good about how you represented yourself....great. But in my book, that is not compassion, that is not trying to educate, that is not helping your cause, which is, I assume, to promote understanding. ?? Try being respectful. I have been nothing but.

So while this forum was my introduction to the word "asexual person"....it will be my last interaction. I will gather some info and share it with my husband, with the hope that we can save our family. But this forum is absolutely not for me, and I will not be posting again.

Thank you to those among you who tried to be helpful.

You can continue to be mad at him, mad at us, mad at everything. If you haven't figured it out yet, being mad isn't working. You have been given a lot of good advice, I've personally given a lot of insight about what he may consider pressure. I'm sorry if it pisses you off that he may feel pressured, but too bad! He probably feels pressured! We've all come here having never heard of asexuality... but your statement that you've been nothing but polite... I'm sorry, but all you've done is bitch about people's responses. You haven't been even a little bit polite. I'm sorry if you think I'm nasty, but I stand by my statement... if you insist on doing nothing, changing nothing, then your unhappiness is on you. I know you've talked and talked and talked, but you've never been able to talk this way before... there are thoughtful posts about some of the various pressures he may be experiencing and how you can approach him about it, but rather than view it as helpful, you decided to view it as an attack. That's really too bad.

In my first thread here when I asked about my partner, I remember Lucinda saying something about how she probably feels anxious and trapped when there's a plan for sex. My response was something like "OMG that breaks my heart, but that's why I'm here... I never would have thought of this on my own".

HisWife, I know this stuff is hard. I know it sucks to find out that the things that you're doing to help are actually making it worse. But denying it and refusing to try a different approach... that's not going to help.

Nothing is going to change until you change. I know that's not the answer you want... you don't want to change, you want him to change. It's just that that may never happen.

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BJvirgin

I've been following and contributed some to this thread. I don't think the contributors are being hostile,

Several people did find some of the replies as hostile. Myself included. While I don't expect this forum to be asexual-free, I would like to see some guidance given on how to be helpful. It depends on what AVEN wants. If they are happy to push sexuals away, as has clearly happened before, then don't change anything. If you want this place to be welcoming of sexuals who are new to asexuality, likely to be very emotional and perhaps quite angry/upset about what is happening in their live, then there needs to be some changes.

I think Sally has given some fantastic responses. Helpful, but not attacking/offensive. I'd like to encourage other asexuals to look at her responses.

Maybe what we need is a forum for sexuals to have a rant about how bad they are feeling, where being attacked is not allowed. Sexuals need to learn that asexuals cannot be fixed, but how they are told, and how often they are told, is certainly something that needs thought.

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*Judy*

Thank you Rain Girl. What I would like to be different? I would like to have a sexual relationship with my husband. That's really all. An open relationship is not in any way an option. I would find that to be morally wrong, against my religion, not to mention I have ZERO desire to be with anyone but my huband as of now. What else I would like to be different? For HIM to expend energy trying to figure out the whys and reasons why he is this way. If he expended 1/4 of the energy on it that *I* spend, we'd likely be able to heal our relationship.

I keep hearing all of you saying that I need to talk to him, I need to ask him, etc.....it's been 12 years. I have talked. I have asked. For more than a decade. Of course, what began as a gentle tap on the sholder and a "Hey babe....listen, is everything ok...? has grown into a very unhappy state of affairs. Lonely, sad, resentful, abandoned.

Yes, obviously I need to decide where this is going. But I am not in this marriage alone.

As I said in my OP, I did stumble here....in looking for some way to explain any or all of this. I have googled "sexless marriages", I have googled "latent homosexuality" I have googled "sex aversion". MInd you, my husband INSISTS that NONE of those are the case. The most he is able to be clear on is that he "gets all fucked up in the head" when it comes to having sex, and that he *thinks* that most of it is due to ED, and feeling ashamed and embarrassed. He feels he may put too much pressure on himself, hoping that sex will be ok, but most of the time just turns to avoidance. He doesn't say anything concrete, he just throws ideas around.

Ideally, we could come to a compromise. Not him having sex 3 times aweek, but also not me living a celibate life. I am willing and able to meet somewhere in the middle, and yes, it is something I plan on bringing to him this weekend when we have alone time to talk.

Having said that, this will be my last post here. You don't have to agree, but I find the enviornment with some members to be too hostile and confrontational and accusatory for me. The air of nastiness overshadows any air of kindness and compassion. 24 hours ago, I didn't know that "asexual" was even an orientation....so give me a fucking minute to catch up. Beating me up, telling me I'm pressuring him, even saying "even if he just sucks it up and bangs you..." Sorry, crude and uneccesary.

If you're interested in educating people on what asexuality is, then do so....but when someone comes in with an open mind and a broken heart, you might want to just maybe stop accusing and start having compassion.

I know what my choices are....and I think I have posted at least 3 or times that I want compromise. Yet some still want to tell me that I need to figure it out, I need to either accept him, compromise or leave.. I get it. I got it after the first time I said it. Leaving isn't as easy as all of you seem to think it is. I am in love with him....we have a child who we worship...we aren't 20 year olds who live in a studio apartment, who can just gather up our CDs and leave. We cannot "just" end it, any more than we can "just" fix it.

Skullery....your perception is fascinating. "unless he does exactly what I want him to"? Really? Where do you get that? In the analogy of the flooding house, I would see the water as OUR problem. I wouldn't run out without considering him, his safety, our daughters safety. I DON'T LIVE IN A HOUSE BY MYSELF. I HAVE OTHER PEOPLE TO CONSIDER. We are a family, I would see the water as something that was a threat to OUR FAMILY, and I would want us ALL to get out safely. And yes I would likely drown trying to save my husband and daughter....but saving them would absolutely be my priority. You are incredibly nasty.

If those of you who were harsh and rude feel good about how you represented yourself....great. But in my book, that is not compassion, that is not trying to educate, that is not helping your cause, which is, I assume, to promote understanding. ?? Try being respectful. I have been nothing but.

So while this forum was my introduction to the word "asexual person"....it will be my last interaction. I will gather some info and share it with my husband, with the hope that we can save our family. But this forum is absolutely not for me, and I will not be posting again.

Thank you to those among you who tried to be helpful.

You can continue to be mad at him, mad at us, mad at everything. If you haven't figured it out yet, being mad isn't working. You have been given a lot of good advice, I've personally given a lot of insight about what he may consider pressure. I'm sorry if it pisses you off that he may feel pressured, but too bad! He probably feels pressured! We've all come here having never heard of asexuality... but your statement that you've been nothing but polite... I'm sorry, but all you've done is bitch about people's responses. You haven't been even a little bit polite. I'm sorry if you think I'm nasty, but I stand by my statement... if you insist on doing nothing, changing nothing, then your unhappiness is on you. I know you've talked and talked and talked, but you've never been able to talk this way before... there are thoughtful posts about some of the various pressures he may be experiencing and how you can approach him about it, but rather than view it as helpful, you decided to view it as an attack. That's really too bad.

In my first thread here when I asked about my partner, I remember Lucinda saying something about how she probably feels anxious and trapped when there's a plan for sex. My response was something like "OMG that breaks my heart, but that's why I'm here... I never would have thought of this on my own".

HisWife, I know this stuff is hard. I know it sucks to find out that the things that you're doing to help are actually making it worse. But denying it and refusing to try a different approach... that's not going to help.

Nothing is going to change until you change. I know that's not the answer you want... you don't want to change, you want him to change. It's just that that may never happen.

HisWife won't probably read that, what a pitty. because your right skullery maid...your way of expressing yourself may not be the best choice all the time. but you do have points in your saying and if hisWife can't take the heat, she really has to get out of the kitchen for some time and come back later to rethink everything. We are many different people in this forum and that not all of them are the 'sugarcoat-type' - writer, that happens.

You know what? In communication theory there is Grice saying that all people want to cooperate through communication and that you have to look at it from that point of view and what I believe is that we all want to help each other - sometimes it may not be expressed luckily but it is still a try to help.

Last point: I am asexual and in the middle of my 20s. a week ago my dad told me on the phone to "just watch some nasty porn, so I may get horny" - some years ago I would have yelled at him for not understanding me at all, but he just wanted to help me (some like that doesn't help at all,but from a sexual point of view it must be worth a try) so today I get his intention. It is really not that hard.

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Lyariage

I want to thank all of you for your responses here. This thread and HisWife have helped me understand a little more about how sexuals feel in relationships with asexuals. I feel that I can somewhat relate to HisWife's husband from what's been said. As the asexual in a sexual-asexual relationship where needs weren't being met, prior to finding out about asexuality, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I clearly didn't have the same type of feelings, but knew I couldn't compromise. And I didn't feel strong enough to honour my own feelings and express how I felt. I constantly felt the weight of expectation on me and my natural defence to that is to withdraw. We talked many times over most of our 2 and a half year relationship, but it was always centred around my 'intimacy issues'. I never questioned that - I'd always thought there was something wrong with me anyway. Even though they seemed to understand, I still felt pressured constantly. It got to the point where I couldn't even stand hugging, because I was so deeply afraid that that would be taken to mean I was ready for more. It took a long time to finally feel strong enough to leave the relationship. And another year to bring me here and more accepting of myself. Expectations from both sides in a relationship are never easy to deal with. I understand more now that it was neither one of our faults. I couldn't help how I felt anymore than they could.

It sounds like HisWife's husband is scared, and probably ashamed, of his feelings. He may not even know what his true feelings are anymore, buried underneath a huge pile of 'I-should-be-feeling's. He may still feel sexually attracted to his wife, but too afraid of not living up to expectations, whether his or hers. That is difficult. And a journey he needs to make himself. No one can tell him how he feels. Of course, I may be wrong, and don't profess to know all of the answers. Whatever the case, I feel for both HisWife and her husband. Yes, she was very angry, and yes, she probably didn't want to face the truth about what some of you were saying. She probably came here with expectations that weren't met. None of you should feel angry, hurt or frustrated. You all did what you could :)

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Lady Girl

I've been following and contributed some to this thread. I don't think the contributors are being hostile,

Several people did find some of the replies as hostile. Myself included. While I don't expect this forum to be asexual-free, I would like to see some guidance given on how to be helpful. It depends on what AVEN wants. If they are happy to push sexuals away, as has clearly happened before, then don't change anything. If you want this place to be welcoming of sexuals who are new to asexuality, likely to be very emotional and perhaps quite angry/upset about what is happening in their live, then there needs to be some changes.

I think Sally has given some fantastic responses. Helpful, but not attacking/offensive. I'd like to encourage other asexuals to look at her responses.

Maybe what we need is a forum for sexuals to have a rant about how bad they are feeling, where being attacked is not allowed. Sexuals need to learn that asexuals cannot be fixed, but how they are told, and how often they are told, is certainly something that needs thought.

People can't be forced to say certain things to new people...they can be warned for breaking the Terms of Service, and if you feel anyone has done that here or in other threads in this forum please push the report button. I personally feel everyone here was doing their best to understand and offer their view, albeit unwelcome as those views may have been.

This site is indeed for learning...from other people. We learn what asexuality is, how different asexual people feel in their mixed relationship, or about sexual pressures they may feel. The list of things to learn (especially if you do wish to stay together, compromise, and overall be happy about it) is kind of long, and sometimes it does take a few different questions and some more frustration before you get the useful answer, but basically with discussions like this, the talking gets to be done, or people start making remarks that aren't allowed and it gets locked. Would it have been better for it to be locked? I felt the discussion was primarily informative.

The thing is, most of us do not just imagine how bad people feel, we've been there and still go there, and we do say what we think will help. However, if you seriously think a special place for 'ranting only' should exist, it could be discussed...that would be something to bring up in Site Comments.

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Skullery Maid

This is just a guess, but I assume that our partners have a hard time talking about sex because they don't feel they have a right to their feelings. If both people in a relationship believe that sex is a necessary component, then how can one of them ever say "I can't have sex with you"? Especially if they've tried once, years ago, and essentially got the message that their feelings are... inappropriate. My partner and I went through about 3-4 months of fighting about asexuality because she was certain... CERTAIN... that it was a trap. That if she admitted to it, then I would leave. And why wouldn't she think that?!

It takes work from the sexuals to make their partner feel secure enough to be honest. Some asexuals are out and proud and self-assured in their sexual preferences, but that's not true of most of the partners of the sexuals who find this site. I truly believe that if a sexual can't achieve an environment where their partner feels 100% safe voicing their feelings of sexual disinterest (or repulsion or fear or whatever), nothing will ever get better because nothing will ever be talked about openly.

I know it sounds like I'm putting the onus on the sexual partner, because I am. Because our asexual partners have spent their whole lives receiving the message that without sex, they'll lose the one they love, and that's really really scary. I think the least we can do is create a space where they can be honest without (too much) fear.

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