Marriage in trouble and needing support....

[HisWife]

Hi. I just stumbled onto this forum, and maybe there are answers here, idk. I am married to a wonderful man, who is handsome and loving and affectionate and emotionally plugged in (or at least seems to be?), but I live in a sexless marriage, and it is not by choice.

The sexual issue has been there since we were dating, there is a timidness about him sexually, and I always (always!) felt like he was being "compliant" , rather than really being "into it". I married him, because I loved him so deeply...and thought that I could deal with mediocre sex every 2 weeks, and maybe it was something we could work on....but alas, every 2 weeks became once a month, became 3 times a year, became never. I should say too that he has ED, and I thought that perhaps there was shame on his part due to that, and that he was putting tremendous pressure on himself.

I have cried, begged, pleaded with him to get help, figure out why he is that way (He consistently maintains that he DOES want to have sex, he just gets all hung up...?). He has seen a doctor, (blood and semen analysis), and physically he is fine. We are caught in this cycle where we go for months with no sex, I try just go on with life for the sake of peace and harmony for our daughter, but then I explode, cry, freak out, he makes a hundred empty promises that he has never once followed through on, and then I go back to dealing with my own private hell until the next time I freak out.

He says he loves me, wants to be together, and that he has no idea why he does this. From where I sit, the pain is almost insurmountable....after all, its sex with someone you claim to love....! The rejection and damage and hurt are all consuming for me. Clearly, not for him. I am a very sexual person....but I have become sad, bitter, depressed and miserable. I feel like the sex issue is the tumor, and that cancer has spread to every other area of our relationship....I cannot look beyond it.

I have had friends of his tell me that he never even comments on women, looks at women, joins in conversations about sex or raunchy talk.....which they think is nice, but I think is just odd. I used to think it was because he was so devoted to me, but now I'm thinking something else. My mind runs the gammut (sp?)....is he gay? Is he asexual? Does he have a madonna/whore syndrom happening? Is it mostly about ED? Does he secretly not want to be married?

And at the end of the day, I realize that I spend more energy thinking about this and stressing about this than he ever has. We have gone 3 years without sex. 3 years. He enever once brought it up, never once said he was unhappy about it, never once talked about it, or seemed to notice. Meanwhile, I can think of little else.

I adore my husband. This is killing me. And the very thought of selling our house and splitting up, the DEVASTATION that would cause our daughter, it is almost too much to bear. I have no idea where to turn....no idea what to think. I honestly cannot believe that this is my life.

[Nevyn]

It's ok. I couldn't begin to say whether or not your husband is an asexual but he sounds like many of us here. There is a support group for families, spouses, etc of asexuals here: http://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies/. Maybe some reading will help you come to terms with what you're both going through. Open and honest communication is always a start as well. I hope you find something to help.

[Lady Girl]

Moved from Welcome Lounge to For Sexual Partners, Friends, and Allies.

Lady Girl, Moderator

[jojo2003]

Jee HisWife, I am very sorry to hear this.

We can not judge what the reason is your husband acts the way he does. But anyhow, I guess I know a bit of what you are going through. Before we decided my partner was asexual (in fact sexually repulsed), I had many scenarios in my head as well. I use the term decided deliberately, because at this point it is what my partner feels matches the most.

What I mean to say is that is might be possible your husband does not know the reason why he acts like this either. It is difficult to understand why someone is not acting to what we consider to be a normal standard.

But you must really try to talk to him and explain what you have just written down. From what you are writing I understand that you are really loving and not trying to break him down. That tone of voice should work. You can always show him this website, maybe he'll recognize something. Discovering asexuality has brought our relationship in less stormy water.

Although we still do not have sex, at least we can now discuss a compromis without feeling guilty on any account. It is no one's fault, it is just the way we are and the way our loved ones are.

Good luck and please let us know if you need more support or advice. There are a lot of people down here who have helped me as well.

[Lia]

I really wish that I could understand what you are feeling, because my heart breaks for you and your obvious sadness at your situation. I want to give you advice and help you to feel better about your situation, but the feelings that you write about are just over my head I suppose and I can only offer you words of encouragement to try to re-open the lines of communication with your husband, and I wish you luck in finding a compromise that allows you both to be happy and healthy.

[Einy]

I don't know how to help you, I just wanted to say that I've been in a sexless relationship for three years too, so I can imagine how you feel, I feel the same pain. My partner also doesn't seem much worried about it. We're going through the therapy right now, hoping that we'll improve communication. I know it's much more difficult when the kid is involved but consider if you really want to live in such marriage for the rest of your life.

And yes, my boyfriend constantly claims that he wants sex too.... but every time I try to initiate some physical contact he turns me down.. So I no longer do anything.

[pickles.]

...but then I explode, cry, freak out, he makes a hundred empty promises that he has never once followed through on, and then I go back to dealing with my own private hell until the next time I freak out.

It doesn't sound like they were "empty" promises so much as promises made under pressure to try and make you happy. I'm an asexual married to a sexual, so I can relate. I didn't make promises (because my husband does not ever freak out, cry, beg, etc.), but I did try awfully hard to please him. Sex once or twice a month was our compromise, until almost a year ago when I said "No more." I am much happier now, my body being my own rather than shared so intimately (I still love to snuggle).

What I mean to say is that is might be possible your husband does not know the reason why he acts like this either.

Well, if someone is asexual, it's not about "acting like this," it is about being her/himself.

[HisWife]

But he isn't being himself....or at least he says he isn't...? He says he doesn't want to be this way, that he has no idea why he is...he even says he *wants* to have sex....which is so hard to hear because I feel like....well, if you want to, then just do it!

We agreed a few months ago to a "date night" of sorts...he felt that because we hadn't been intimate in so long, we needed to jump over the uncomfortable hurdle, even if scheduling seemed unromantic. I said ok, and we did have sex that first date night. The next week, he made an excuse (it had some validity, but at the same time, I felt like if I were him...it would have to be a 911 emergency to mess this up on the second week!), and the next week, we both were legit sick with the flu...really sick.

He says he is reading, thinking, trying to figure out why he has allowed this to happen. I find that so strange....and hard to believe. If I were doing something that threatened my marriage, yet didn't know why I was doing it? I'm not sure I have ever "not known why" I am doing something...? Especially something so destructive to the relationship I claim to cherish....?

I'm not sure he has sexual feelings. I'm not sure if he masturbates....I'm not sure. He is very closed off. I have never worn lingerie with him, it seemed like everything was very taboo from early on....which was a huge departure from my prior relationship, and it hurts like crazy. It has torn me up as a woman, has decimated my self esteem and confidence.

[Guest]

Try not to think of it as something wrong with you. Obviously he loves you, or he wouldn't be trying at all. He seems to want to get to the bottom of it, so he understands it is hurting you and probably is hurting him as well. It's hard to say WHY we have hang ups about things sometimes. Humans don't always know the basis for their emotions. I have sexual hang ups and I can't say why exactly. I have social hang ups I also can't pinpoint why. But, just because he may not know why, doesn't mean he can't work on it, I have overcome many of my social hang ups without ever figuring out why I have them.

If he wants sex and desires it, he may not be asexual, but you can ask him to check things out and see if he thinks anything here fits him. If he isn't looking at other girls, it isn't YOU though so don't feel bad about yourself. He may have a fetish he hasn't discovered, he may just be shy and uncomfortable with the idea of doing that, it's hard to say. Only he will be able to tell you whats up, once he knows. But, I think getting him to be a bit more open with discussion would be good. Be gentle, but you could ask him if experimenting with different things would be OK - more touch, more kissing, less touch, less kissing, role play, lights on, lights off, have him tell you what makes him the most comfortable and be willing to back up and stop if he gets uncomfortable.

A therapist may also help, if he WANTS to have sex this is not the same as an asexual who doesn't care about sex and is happy without it. This is probably distressing him as well, if he's reading so many books etc on the subject. A professional sex therapist may be able to help him figure it out.

[HisWife]

Thank you for that. (((hug)))

He SAYS he wants sex....I am not so sure he is being truithful. He may be too scared to tell me the truth, which is that he just isn't into it. I'm not sure I believe him when he says he "wants to"....because to me that is so simple...yk? If you want something, then do it! I just don't understand.

I don't know if he has sexual feelings or thoughts....he *says* he does....but he has never, ever, in 12 years, showed me any evidence of that. He honestly would never bring this up, ever. Ever. I think he could be celibate forever. He says he doesn't want that, no way.....but UUUGGGHHHH....that is what he is DOING!

I agreee a sex therapist is in order.....but we have NO mental health coverage...and I know we can't afford it.. :(

[Pulsewave]

Some people who say they want sex say it because they are confused about themselves and think having sex is what other people want or expect of them and not necessarily that they do want it.
He may say he wants to have sex because society expects it of him but deep down he doesn't want it. So maybe he doesn't want to have sex because there is no physical desire to but mentally he wants to because he's feeling like he's letting other people down.
Sometimes there is an internal battle between conforming to what is expected by society and staying true to oneself, in this case possibly being asexual.

You can lead a horse to water but if it's not thirsty it isn't going to drink. You shouldn't take it personally on yourself, you shouldn't feel responsible for any of it if he is asexual. Without speaking to him and getting his side of the story it's going to impossible to make any suitable suggestions on dealing with this situation.

He needs to research asexuality and if it turns out he feels that's what he is then at least that's something to go on.

[Sally]

A sex therapist may have no idea about asexuality

Some people who say they want sex say it because they are confused about themselves and think having sex is what other people want or expect of them and not necessarily that they do want it.
He may say he wants to have sex because society expects it of him but deep down he doesn't want it. So maybe he doesn't want to have sex because there is no physical desire to but mentally he wants to because he's feeling like he's letting other people down.
Sometimes there is an internal battle between conforming to what is expected by society and staying true to oneself, in this case possibly being asexual.

You can lead a horse to water but if it's not thirsty it isn't going to drink. You shouldn't take it personally on yourself, you shouldn't feel responsible for any of it if he is asexual. Without speaking to him and getting his side of the story it's going to impossible to make any suitable suggestions on dealing with this situation.

He needs to research asexuality and if it turns out he feels that's what he is then at least that's something to go on.

I agree with this. He probably knows that you are very upset about this and the only thing he may be able to say is what you want to hear: "I want sex". It might be impossible at this point for him to speak frankly, or even determine just what he wants, except that he probably doesn't want to lose you.

It isn't necessarily the case that a sex therapist would help. Generally they work with people who do definitely want sex but have some problems in their sexual relationship. That doesn't sound like that's the case in your situation.

This isn't your fault, but it isn't his fault either. You two are simply very different in your feelings about sex. It would be just as difficult (actually, impossible) to "engineer" him into actually wanting sex and finding it pleasurable than it would be to make you not want sex.

[Guest]

At some point I remember yelling at my partner to stop saying she wants to have sex, because she very obviously doesn't. If she wanted to have sex, we'd have sex. Obviously I realize that I shouldn't tell her how she feels, etc, but these are things that happen during fights. In my opinion, she wants to want to. And that is very, very different.

OP, like you, I go through the same cycle of not caring, then feeling personally tormented, then freaking out and crying, then I feel appeased briefly by whatever nonsense "solution" she's come up with... and the cycle starts again. My partner has repeatedly said that she just forgets about it because she's happy in the relationship and assumes I am too. In other words, in my relationship, she seems to expect that one day I'll just wake up feeling asexual and everything will be fine. It'd be awesome if that happened, but I'm not holding my breath.

[HisWife]

I have so much to say. My head is spinning. I am sobbing....on Valentines Day. Lovely.

Listen....I didn't sign on for a celibate life, but I have been living just that. Why? Because I love him, because we took vows, because we are a family, because I don't want to leave. BUT...at the same time....12 years of this...and it is me who has sacrficed and given up having things the way *I* want them.....so why, oh why, can't he, just sometimes, sacrifice HIS ideal wishes, for the sake of the relationship? Why can't HE go out of HIS comfort zone, just occasionally.....instead of making ME live so far outside MY comfort zone, full time 24/7/365? Where the eff is the love in that? The regard for our family? The kindness, even? I am suffering so deeply.....and he can't step out of whatever issue he has....just to ease the pain that he is causing? Just to save our family from devastation?

And yes, I have asked him all of that....he says "I don't know what to do.".....which I find just so, so weak. Forgive me....but he is 47 years old.....you don't know what to do? How about spending 1/100th of the time *I* spend trying to figure this all out and look for a solution?!?!?

[< retired >]

And yes, I have asked him all of that....he says "I don't know what to do.".....which I find just so, so weak. Forgive me....but he is 47 years old.....you don't know what to do? How about spending 1/100th of the time *I* spend trying to figure this all out and look for a solution?!?!?

Back in my day, I tortured plenty of lovely sexual women with my low libido. Trust me, it's not about you.

I think that your hubby's uncertainty is valid, because there may indeed be nothing that modern science can do for him. However, this hypothesis can only be tested by having modern scientists take a crack at him, which your particular circumstances may not permit.

Your marriage is not necessarily doomed even if hubby can't be 'fixed'. You would want to find a marriage counselor rather than a sex therapist in this case. A neutral third party may re-frame your problem in ways that you never considered, leading to a solution that you can live with.

Good luck!

[Sally]

OK, HisWife, I'm going to be a bit...well, not terribly delicate.

You are miserable. You don't want to leave. However, your husband is the way he is. Maybe you don't want him to be, but he is. You've had 12 years of what you feel is sacrifice.

Tell me why you don't want to leave. Tell me why you want to continue to live this life that makes you miserable. And I don't remember if you have a child, but believe me, having your father and mother living separately is not quite as bad as having your mother constantly being miserable and upset with your father, and vice versa. That is not a happy environment for a child.

So what are YOU going to do? You can't make him do anything, because what he does or doesn't do is up to him. So what are YOU going to do?

Think about that before you answer.

[Down in Texas]

I am a highly sexual female and though I have been married to my Gray Asexual for 40 years I can honestly say I have never gone as long without sex as you have. However, I do understand all of the feeling you describe and have experienced them myself.

Before finding AVEN, I talked to my GYN asking most of the questions you also have expressed and have gone to the Dr. with my husband on many occasions to try to determine what his problem may be. The one thing we did discover with my guy was that his Testosterone levels were extremely low. He has been on hormone replacement therapy for close to twenty-five years. However, if you want more children you do not want to do hormone replacement yet, I was told it would lower his sperm count even if it raises his hormone levels. Yet that was mostly all done before I found AVEN. While looking for answers I read many, many books, none of them seemed to address my problem, because none of them talked about a woman that did not get the sex she needed. All of the books I read were written about the man not getting the sex they needed. Therefore, I will save you the time and trouble of reading books on sex hoping to find answers. The one book that did me the most good and furnished the most information was The New Complete Book on Male Sexuality. It gave me the most information to try to help my MAN. In addition, when he would tell me something, I would look for or had already read and knew the answer to either help or debunk his ideas or fears.

Communication will be the key to helping both of you find a place you can be comfortable with and it will take time to maneuver through the hurt to find that place of harmony and balance. Read some more of the post and take a bit of time to digest what you read. Know also that if you show him this site it may take him months to actually read any of it or except the fact that you are not labeling him but trying to help him. However, only he can determine if what you have found here and how much of it applies to him. What or how much he can tolerate or enjoy also is his choice ... Until the time comes that he becomes comfortable enough with reading the information and digest it for himself about all you can do is be patient and learn as much as you can about asexuality from AVEN. The main thing you have to do is NEVER approach the topic while in pain; there is no good that will come from trying to communicate while deep in pain. The pain will always cause you to say something you really do not want to say.

Another very important thing is that there are as many shades of GRAY on both sides of sexual / asexual spectrum as you can possible imagine. You must also know that you will get information from all angles on AVEN; some will come from pain, some from inexperience and some from fear. Know also that Heterosexuals and Homosexuals all experience the same degrees of pain in a mixed relationship. Everyones intentions are based on trying to help, some will try to get you to understand the asexuals side and others know the same pain you do. You will have to know which ones you can use and which ones you need to discard or save for another discussion. However, NO ONE has a right to tell you what you should or should not do. You and your husband are the only ones that can make decision that will affect the both of you.

Do not be afraid to post questions or message whomever you feel the most comfortable with that way if you wish to keep some things private you can. Best of Luck to the both of you. I know he is most likely in pain knowing you are in pain they just show it in different forms sometimes.

OK, HisWife, I'm going to be a bit...well, not terribly delicate.

You are miserable. You don't want to leave. However, your husband is the way he is. Maybe you don't want him to be, but he is. You've had 12 years of what you feel is sacrifice.

Tell me why you don't want to leave. Tell me why you want to continue to live this life that makes you miserable. And I don't remember if you have a child, but believe me, having your father and mother living separately is not quite as bad as having your mother constantly being miserable and upset with your father, and vice versa. That is not a happy environment for a child.

So what are YOU going to do? You can't make him do anything, because what he does or doesn't do is up to him. So what are YOU going to do?

Think about that before you answer.

Go easy on her Sally her pain is fresh and she is new here. I have come to value your opinions very much and you have taught me a lot.. Just go easy on her. She is her to learn just like the rest of us.

[Lydian]

While I can't say for sure that it is because he is asexual, I want you to take a moment and see things from the point of view from someone who is. I'm an asexual and my boyfriend is very VERY sexual. We haven't had sex yet but we both agree it is important to understand where the other is coming from. I can't speak for your husband but in many cases it can be very hard on someone to force themselves to have sex for the sake of another. Just as it is hard on you to not have sex, maybe it's hard on your husband to have it often. I've talked things over with my boyfriend and while I'm willing to try, he's also accepting of the fact I will never be "into it" and the possiblity that if I absolutely hate it he's going to do some 'self-evaluation' as he calls it.

If you really love your husband, it's important to try to understand him as well. I found it very difficult because I had people tell me I was selfish for not wanting sex. Here, people say he's selfish for trying to make me have sex. In the end, it's selfish for either side to expect to have things their way or if they disregard their partner's feelings. Asexuality isn't something we choose for ourselves any more than you choose to be sexual and it can be really hard sometimes for us to understand why sex is so important to you when we would be fine or even prefer to live without it.

All I can say is if your husband is asexual, there is nothing wrong with him, you can't 'fix' him and you're going to have to make some kind of choice about whether your sex drive takes priority over your relationship because he isn't going to change. Whatever you do though, don't take it as something against you personally. If he IS asexual and is pushing himself for your sake you should know that means he must care for you a lot.

[Sally]

Go easy on her Sally her pain is fresh and she is new here. I have come to value your opinions very much and you have taught me a lot.. Just go easy on her. She is her to learn just like the rest of us.

I understand what you're saying, Down, but sometimes the self-protective why oh whys have to be cut through. Others have said the same thing, albeit a little more kindly: "you're going to have to make a choice because you can't change him."

Everyone on AVEN has to decide for themselves what they're going to do (and commenters decide what they're going to say).

[Guest]

Hiswife it is HARD to have sex if you don't want to. It sometimes and not saying he feels this way, but it may be a reason he avoids it so often, can feel like rape if you force it. It can be traumatizing. I am not saying you are wanting him to feel that way, but it is important to understand how hard sex can be for some. And yes it isn't easy for you either. A compromise of some sort seems needed.

But the issue with compromise is... there needs to be open and honest discussion. If he HONESTLY wants sex, he needs to work with you, his partner, to figure out how to make that happen. If he just wants to want sex because it would make you happy, then he needs to explain his feelings and you two need to work out some way to make you both happy. Open relationship? Sexual compromise? Breaking up?

The problem seems to be in his lack of communication. Confusion is normal and expected in any sexual issue, but yes you can't wait forever for his confusion to clear up. Be gentle but don't let him go another 12 years without discussion.

And yes as Sally says if he is asexual, a sex therapist usually won't help. They don't know about us and think we neee fixed, in general. But orientations can't be fixed. So, therapy would only help if he genuinely wants sex and just needs to work on hang ups etc.

[BJvirgin]

HisWife, your situation seems to be very similar to mine, and also many other sexuals that have posted here. So many of us are experiencing the same thing. **HUGS**

I don't have answers yet either. I'm trying to understand too. I have a few thoughts though, which I hope helps you.

Perhaps your husband would like to want sex, which is very different to wanting sex. My wife wants to want sex, but she just doesn't

I struggle with the exact definition of asexuality. From this site: An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. However if you ask an asexual they will tell you it is their orientation, had it from birth, can't fix it, and DO NOT TRY to fix it. If you ask a sexual they *might* think it's a dysfunction, and that you *should* try to fix it. Or at least investigate it to know if it's something that can or can't be fixed. You've already done tests on hormones, so that's ruled out. But maybe you can explore WHY he doesn't want sex. Is there something preventing him enjoying sex. But all of us sexuals have to accept the fact that for many this is who they are, and they can't/won't be fixed, or is just too damn hard to fix even if it were possible.

I want to believe that I can fix the problem, as I need to have some light at the end of the tunnel. Otherwise I might just give up and stop trying. I just don't have any confidence that I can find a solution, so I guess I'm lying to myself to avoid the painful truth

For me, the good thing about AVEN is learning to understand what is going on in my life. But the bad thing is I realize that sex with someone who doesn't want/like it is not what I want or need.

Good luck. I hope you find a solution.

[has left the building]

To the OP, like Sally, I am not known for being delicate and while tone and inflection get lost in cyberspace, know that the cold, hard truths I'm about to point out are done so with compassion. I'm just not one for the "...poor babys..."

When you say you didn't sign on for a celibate life, you are not being honest with yourself. All the signs were there when you were dating (as your OP indicates). You chose to ignore them hoping it would all change down the road (as did my wife). To quote one of my mentors, Iyanla Vanzant, "If you want to know how it will end, look at the beginning."

When I disocverd the name for what I am, I told my wife that I could not hold her back from seeking what she wanted if I was not providing it to her. Thankfully, she decided she didn't want anyone but me and we have found a way to make our marriage work. Key to that was her finally believing that my lack of desire was not a reflection on her womanhood or my love for her. I have known TONS of men who will have sex with a woman while holding them in nothing but contempt - so sex does not equal love.

As I've said in other places, if sex is super high on your list of prioriteis, you have a decision to make. Having a daughter certainly complicates that (we have one also). Also complicating it is the voices and input of well-intentioned friends. If your husband is aware that your sharing his "problem" with others, that will only fuel his shame. You need to stop that.

Finally, my wife and I made a commitment not only to ourselves but to our daughter. We are committed to raising her in a loving, supportive environment and that is what we are doing. When/if she marries and moves out, my wife and I will probably revisit our sexless status and see if it still suits us. Sometimes we don't make the right decisions but we then have to make the decision right. At the core of our being is the belief that children thrive in two-parent households (if anyone reading disagrees that's fine, I don't need to hear about perfectly wonderful single parents). But they can only thrive if two conditons are met: the parents are sometimes willing to sacrifice their needs in favor of the child's; and, the children are NEVER made aware of those sacrifices.

Don't know if that helps but best of luck to you.

[jojo2003]

>What I mean to say is that is might be possible your husband does not know the reason why he acts like this either.

Well, if someone is asexual, it's not about "acting like this," it is about being her/himself.

I do understand ms. trish and I do wish people would stop taking lines out of my posts en putting them out of proportion. If you read the entire post you would have noticed that my partner still is not sure that our incompatibility is due to asexuality. I do not want to go into detail about what other reasons may cause this, because that is personal.

I have not and will never imply an asexual is acting in the sense of playing a part or role. Acting is a normal description for display of behaviour and does not intend anything else.

Please refrain from these remarks if you do not take the whole post into account.

Go easy on her Sally her pain is fresh and she is new here. I have come to value your opinions very much and you have taught me a lot.. Just go easy on her. She is her to learn just like the rest of us.

I understand what you're saying, Down, but sometimes the self-protective why oh whys have to be cut through. Others have said the same thing, albeit a little more kindly: "you're going to have to make a choice because you can't change him."

Everyone on AVEN has to decide for themselves what they're going to do (and commenters decide what they're going to say).

HisWife,

I can relate to what Sally is saying. It might seem very hard at this point, but if you try to consider why you are not leaving your husband, you are focussing on the positive and can try to spin the situation around a bit.

I noticed at some point in time that the negative elements in my relation were becoming all consuming, whereas I did not leave. By focussing on the positive, I try to get myself back on track before getting into discussions with my partner. It sometimes helps (and other times it doesn't), but it makes the hurtfull feelings get less.

Furthermore, I might seem strange for a man his age, but I genuinely think he does not know what is happening and maybe even in his mind wants to have sexual relations with you, but does not know why another part of his brain blocks it. What I mean to say is that I discovered through the course of time, that it is a two way struggle.

Best of luck!

[Lydian]

I struggle with the exact definition of asexuality. From this site: An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. However if you ask an asexual they will tell you it is their orientation, had it from birth, can't fix it, and DO NOT TRY to fix it. If you ask a sexual they *might* think it's a dysfunction, and that you *should* try to fix it. Or at least investigate it to know if it's something that can or can't be fixed. You've already done tests on hormones, so that's ruled out. But maybe you can explore WHY he doesn't want sex. Is there something preventing him enjoying sex. But all of us sexuals have to accept the fact that for many this is who they are, and they can't/won't be fixed, or is just too damn hard to fix even if it were possible.

I want to believe that I can fix the problem, as I need to have some light at the end of the tunnel. Otherwise I might just give up and stop trying. I just don't have any confidence that I can find a solution, so I guess I'm lying to myself to avoid the painful truth

I can see were you're coming from but would appreciate if you didn't talk about 'fixing' a 'problem'. We're not BROKEN there's nothing WRONG with us and we don't need to be FIXED. We're just DIFFERENT. Would you like it if we were all "oh sexuals wanting sex is a problem, they crave it so much there must be something wrong with them. Maybe we can have them fixed"? Probably not. The only thing that needs 'fixing' is the relationship in question, NOT the person. Maybe you never though about it this way, but it's really hard being talked about like there's something wrong with you or you're not good enough as you are. We're people too, just like you are. I'm sure you know that, but just keep that in mind next time you talk about asexuality like something to be 'fixed'.

[Lady Girl]

I agree with the above sentiment, and also feel that not all sexual people feel it's something to be fixed. I view it as something that each partner needs to decide if they can adjust to. It's not so much a problem as a situation of sorts...you figure out how you're going to approach the issue of one partner wanting sex and the other partner not wanting sex. You don't fix desire. You accept that love comes in many forms other than sex (try to pay closer attention to this aspect).

It often does come down to both people in the relationship deciding how far outside of their ideal sexual comfort zone they are willing to reside.

[BJvirgin]

We're not BROKEN there's nothing WRONG with us and we don't need to be FIXED. We're just DIFFERENT.

You misunderstand my point. People come here with a problem. Their partner is non-sexual or hyposexual. They don't know if they are asexual, or suffering from some dysfunction. So they want to find out how to deal with their relationship problem. Is their partner asexual and therefore can't be fixed, or is there a problem that can be investigated. They don't know. You don't know. I don't know. Probably their partner doesn't know for sure. How do you find out?

[< retired >]

I struggle with the exact definition of asexuality. From this site: An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. However if you ask an asexual they will tell you it is their orientation, had it from birth, can't fix it, and DO NOT TRY to fix it. If you ask a sexual they *might* think it's a dysfunction, and that you *should* try to fix it. Or at least investigate it to know if it's something that can or can't be fixed. You've already done tests on hormones, so that's ruled out. But maybe you can explore WHY he doesn't want sex. Is there something preventing him enjoying sex. But all of us sexuals have to accept the fact that for many this is who they are, and they can't/won't be fixed, or is just too damn hard to fix even if it were possible.

I want to believe that I can fix the problem, as I need to have some light at the end of the tunnel. Otherwise I might just give up and stop trying. I just don't have any confidence that I can find a solution, so I guess I'm lying to myself to avoid the painful truth

I can see were you're coming from but would appreciate if you didn't talk about 'fixing' a 'problem'. We're not BROKEN there's nothing WRONG with us and we don't need to be FIXED. We're just DIFFERENT.

I am definitely BROKEN from the point of view of a woman with high libido who is unable or unwilling to compromise. I think it's healthy to embrace this perspective rather than live in a state of denial. However, as you correctly point out, the reverse is true as well: the high libido woman is BROKEN from my perspective if I'm unable / unwilling to compromise. Perhaps the BROKEN / FIXED terminology is a bit harsh, but you are certainly free to employ whatever euphemisms you find more gentle instead. I do agree that it's better to concentrate on the relationship than slapping labels on the participants. :)

[Lady Girl]

We're not BROKEN there's nothing WRONG with us and we don't need to be FIXED. We're just DIFFERENT.

You misunderstand my point. People come here with a problem. Their partner is non-sexual or hyposexual. They don't know if they are asexual, or suffering from some dysfunction. So they want to find out how to deal with their relationship problem. Is their partner asexual and therefore can't be fixed, or is there a problem that can be investigated. They don't know. You don't know. I don't know. Probably their partner doesn't know for sure. How do you find out?

I personally think the best way to find out is to listen to what the two people say. Present the options, find out which route they want to go (to a doctor or not...medical or otherwise). Communication is the only way to find out. If the partner doesn't know for sure, maybe they need some time to think about it, maybe they'll know the truth the minute they read the definition (which is a guidepost, btw). If they say they're not interested in sex, they're not interested in sex. If they say it's not you, it's not you. If they say they want to be with you and love you, they do. If that's not enough, it's not. It's not always easy that's for sure.

[Guest]

Ugh. No. Just no.

IMO, people who seriously consider their partner "broken" should just break up with them, rather today than tomorrow... no matter what orientation they have. I see their relationship as broken, most likely beyond repair, the moment such verbiage comes into play between partners, and nothing could convince me that it could be worth staying in a loveless relationship with someone who's that incompatible. Every day stayed longer is probably a day gone wasted.

(Edit for clarity... the reply was to CYB's post, not to LG's.)

[DeadandLovely]

Marriage doesn't need sex and if you are unhappy than leave (as bad as that sounds). Why try and change someone? Even is they changed would they really be themselves? Im sorry to say but I hate this about people, as you stated, you knew (sort of) what you were getting into when you first married him and yet you thought that you could change him. Ever consider that this is him. It might bother you that he doesn't want sex but ever stop to think that every time you ask for sex it bothers him? He is not broken and neither are you. You are just two people with separate desires. I'm sure that he loves you and wants to want to have sex just because you want it or its "normal". All Im saying is take his feelings into consideration. It really sucks when someone you love is constantly asking you to do something you are not comfortable with. Also if sex is something you definitely need then why stay with someone who doesn't want it? I'm sure it's something you need since you are looking for answers but maybe there are other things that can make you feel loved: emotional connections, talking, cuddling, kissing, etc. People overlook these things for a night in the bed. Which to me means nothing. I could take a walk with a loved one hand and hand and feel more of a connection that way. Also this is all probably very distressing for him as he is a man and not to be sexist or anything but that can be harder emotionally on a man in this society where it is so taboo for a man to not be sexually driven. If anything I think you need to compromise with him as much as you want him to compromise with you. Take a step back and think hey maybe this isn't all about me!