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Demisexuality and the asexual spectrum


lunaw0lf

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I am still confused about the primary/secondary sexual attraction

I guess I could say I never realized I was demisexual until I had a partner (reminder, I am still only 16). I realize now that all of my past crushes have been purely romantic, and I have had no sexual attraction at all until now, and even now it's rather weak (once again, my age and how long we've been going out probably factors in that).

But yeah, could someone please explain primary/secondary attraction for me?

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I am still confused about the primary/secondary sexual attraction

I guess I could say I never realized I was demisexual until I had a partner (reminder, I am still only 16). I realize now that all of my past crushes have been purely romantic, and I have had no sexual attraction at all until now, and even now it's rather weak (once again, my age and how long we've been going out probably factors in that).

But yeah, could someone please explain primary/secondary attraction for me?

I find it helps to start with secondary attraction first. Secondary sexual attraction emerges from an emotional bond or a sense of personal compatibility. The classic case of "I didn't find him attractive at first, but then he wooed me with his humor, charm, etc." Secondary sexual attraction is stimulated by "getting to know the person." It's not an "at first sight" or "spotting a stranger from across a crowded room" level of sexual interest (although they might be objectively very attractive, you simply do not FEEL attraced to them.)

"At first sight" sexual attraction is primary sexual attraction. You don't have to know anything about the person or feel anything emotional towards them to find them sexually attractive. Meaning, you find the idea of having sex with them exciting.

And, being 16, your sex hormones only started working four years ago, and squeakily at best. And in everyone's development they lag behind the onset of romantic crushes. So I would give it all some time to work itself out before you start weighing the evidence.

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sofarlo is right. 16 is really too young to know how things are going to work out. I know that I didn't know what was going on when I was your age. I used to be a major flirt when girls would talk to me so people just assumed things. But in reality, I was just being nice and most of my flirtatiousness was really just me trying to have fun.

For me I don't hardly find myself attracted to anyone except for my ex girlfriend because I've always found that my attraction to someone gains momentum over time and it takes a very long time to lose that. We're still good friends and stuff, but we have to have a lot of ground rules because she understands how I am. I've known her for almost a decade now and we only started dating like 3 years ago. But even then it takes time.

Secondary attraction is the only thing I've really known so it's hard for me to make a comparison to Primary sexual attraction. I know that when I hear people talk about how they find people attractive in that way it makes me kind of sad to think that it's possible to love someone for something other than who they are. I don't know how someone could solicit any form of relationship based on sheer physical attributes. I feel like that's disrespectful to them as a person, no?

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