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Demisexuality and the asexual spectrum


lunaw0lf

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So, I have a question for everyone, and I have searched for a bit but have not found something that entirely answers my questions or really helps me to straighten my thoughts.


So my questions is, why is demisexuality seemingly completely separated from asexuality?

I understand that by definition asexuals have no sexual attraction, but to me, it seems that demisexuals don't really experience "sexual attraction."


I believe in secondary attraction, and while I believe I experience it, I do not have any need for sex, but I reach a certain "comfort" level I suppose where if I was with a sexual partner, I might be okay with intercourse every once in a while. But that only occurs if I have a legitimate secondary attraction as well as romantic feelings for the person. But it's not a "want" it's more like a compromise, almost a chore.

To me demisexuality is like Asperger's in Autism. It's a form of autism that just works a little different.

This has been bothering me a lot today because on tumblr some aces are absolute SMASHING demisexuals into the ground. Some people have even said things like "demisexuals just want an excuse to be called asexual and be allowed into our club." It's horrendous. Asexuality isn't a club, it's a way for us to describe ourselves so that people can understand who we are.

I see demisexuals as being asexual but having the ability to be slightly sexual, just like even some autistic children can develop one definite understandable bond with one or a few people. The familiarity is comforting. So to me it seems like demisexuals are extremely comfortable with the idea of sex, but that they don't necessarily "desire" it. It's an option in their day to day lives that can help them connect. But is that really "attraction" then? To be okay with doing something and to want it are different. If a demisexual thinks that maybe he/she will be closer to their partner by being sexually involved with one another, that's also not "sexual attraction." I mean, I can't really think of that happening any time that I know of, but what if it did? A lot of sexuals claim that sex makes them feel closer to their partner, what if someone wanted to try that as well to see if it really made them closer?

Thanks for any thoughts or ideas.

[/Luna]

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I understand that by definition asexuals have no sexual attraction, but to me, it seems that demisexuals don't really experience "sexual attraction."

Demisexuals do experience it. I'm demi and I've experienced to quite strongly for only 2 people.

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Kitty Spoon Train

People don't like anything that isn't black and white and simple.

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Here are some (shortened) definitions from what I've gathered so far (though, everybody may define it differently):

To be demisexual means that a person can feel sexually attracted to a person they have already formed a bond with.

Greysexuals seem to be able to feel sexual attraction, but not as often as sexual people. Demisexuals would be a subcategory of greysexuals.

An asexual person on the other hand feels no sexual attraction at all no matter how deep the connections with another person is.

However, any person - as long as no disability prevents them - is physically able to involve themselve in a sexual interaction with another person. Some do so willingly out of various reasons whether it's to be closer to another person, to make the other person happy, because they are curious and so on. Some people are also be totally and utterly repulsed by it. Having sex does not have to overlap with sexual attraction and it can - does not have to - overlap with asexuality, greysexuality, demisexuality and any other sexual identity you may think of. There are still discussion going on whether greysexuality and demisexuality really "belong" to asexuality or any other sexuality. I'd say it's all scattered on a spectrum of sexuality.

And (a-)sexuality is a matter of whom someone is sexually attracted to and not of with whom they are (not) having sex with. In my definition, I would describe you as asexual rather than demisexual. Does not mean that you have to see it like that too.

In the end, they are all just labels to make it easier to describe to others what you feel, so in the very, very, very end it's a matter of what you feel and where you want to belong to. Not where somebody else wants you to belong to.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you what sexual attraction feels like, because I haven't experienced it so far. I think somewhere on AVEN is a thread about the difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire, but I found it rather confusing. I'll just go for: If I have ever felt it, I apparently never realised it. ;)

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Electric Barbarella

I believe in secondary attraction, and while I believe I experience it, I do not have any need for sex, but I reach a certain "comfort" level I suppose where if I was with a sexual partner, I might be okay with intercourse every once in a while. But that only occurs if I have a legitimate secondary attraction as well as romantic feelings for the person. But it's not a "want" it's more like a compromise, almost a chore.

[...]

I see demisexuals as being asexual but having the ability to be slightly sexual, just like even some autistic children can develop one definite understandable bond with one or a few people. The familiarity is comforting. So to me it seems like demisexuals are extremely comfortable with the idea of sex, but that they don't necessarily "desire" it. It's an option in their day to day lives that can help them connect.

I call myself a demisexual and this is exactly how I feel. Some other people could identify more clearly with the original definition of demisexuality, but that's not my case. So, if nothing else, at least you know there's someone out there who feels like you. :)

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Kitty Spoon Train

I guess for me, what it mostly comes down to is that I'm just incapable of realistically thinking of partnered sex as a thing in itself. I've never looked at a stranger, no matter how good looking, and immediately had any thought of wanting to tap that.

Now, of course, you could say that a lot of "sexuals" are restrained about upfront interest in sex as well, or uncomfortable with sex without an emotional connection. But for me it seems like I literally can't even grasp it. I find it weird to even think of myself as heterosexual, because anything physically attractive I can possibly see in females upfront is purely non-sexual affection and/or aesthetics. So it's actually misleading to talk about being "sexually attracted to females" as a general theme with me, directly anyway.

Of course, I do agree that this is a bit of a semantic game, and I can see why some people (who have a more firm orientation, of any kind) get annoyed at it. I personally agree with what Lady Girl has often said about demisexuality - that it's sort of more like an inclination which can apply to people who identify as either sexual or asexual underneath it.

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So here's a tricky one which is where I kind of fall of track with the definition of asexuality.

If demisexuals have sex after being in a relationship for a long time or bonding or feeling a certain something, like for example love, is that technically a sexual attraction? When I think of a sexual attraction I think of people who look at other people and instantly get aroused. So to me a demisexual is ace because the attraction isn't sexual, it's emotional. It's like, you love the person, not the body....but I don't know if I'm identifying that correctly.


Btw, I don't identify as demi, I identify as an ace, I am trying to help someone with their definition of themselves and to get others to understand it isn't so black and white.

Guzica, can you explain or give an example of the last phrase of your reply? I'm not sure I understand it.

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Kitty Spoon Train

Guzica, can you explain or give an example of the last phrase of your reply? I'm not sure I understand it.

There seem to be a lot of people who are basically sexual, but can't handle sex for it's own sake. To the point where it's almost like they're demisexual, but they can feel just enough sexual attraction and desire to be tempted into casual sex - and then regret it.

I think this is made of similar psychological stuff to the "asexual version of demisexuality". As in, they ultimately experience sex as something that's part of a larger dynamic of bonding with another person, but they can also tempt themselves to see it as something that can be taken out and enjoyed by itself. This is where it all gets very murky and technical though - because there are probably very few sexuals even who can enjoy totally casual sex with absolutely no complications and no desire to emotionally bond with their partners.

I think this is part of what annoys people about demisexuality. Many sexuals can probably relate to it to some degree, so they don't see it as a clearly unique "thing". And really, it probably isn't, as such. But when you're very far towards the asexual end of it, then it becomes quite a significant force - especially in today's highly sexualised culture.

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omg. ;( Luna, you've just put into words exactly how i feel about my own demisexuality. i'm glad to see that i'm not alone in feeling this way.

i wish i could comment on your question, but honestly i've been asking myself the same thing. some of the crap that i've seen re: demisexuality both on Tumblr and elsewhere really frustrates me as well.....

i will definitely be following this discussion. thanks for starting it. :)

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It's not a club? So why have I had £30 taken from my bank account every month? ;p

I don't understand anyone bashing anyone else (apart from Justin Bieber fans) as we all have to live on this planet together. It's cowardly to hide behind a keyboard and troll people because they don't have to see the reaction to the awful things they are saying. It's low self esteem, and it pisses me off that they're giving asexuals a bad name by being such bitter, hateful people.

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So here is what I'm sort of concluding from what I have gathered so far from this discussion.

I find that demisexuals are not asexual as I previously would have mentioned. I remember reading here on AVEN that sexuality can be fluid.


Demis are our fluid members. They are asexual until they realize they are not, because of course, demis can't know they are demis until they find that proper relationship.

They truly are technically waiting for "the one" even if they don't know that yet.

I am satisfied with what I have found and with the opinion I have formed, but of course, keep discussing, it's always interesting to read and discuss :)

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So here is what I'm sort of concluding from what I have gathered so far from this discussion.

I find that demisexuals are not asexual as I previously would have mentioned. I remember reading here on AVEN that sexuality can be fluid.

Demis are our fluid members. They are asexual until they realize they are not, because of course, demis can't know they are demis until they find that proper relationship.

They truly are technically waiting for "the one" even if they don't know that yet.

I am satisfied with what I have found and with the opinion I have formed, but of course, keep discussing, it's always interesting to read and discuss :)

i agree with you in part. i agree that demisexuality is fluid. my demisexuality, at least, is fluid. but for me my sexuality does not go from being asexual to sexual, if that's what you mean by "fluid". i'd say i'm asexual the majority of the time (EVEN when in a relationship with someone that i love) and am at most semi-sexual the rest of the time. and by "semi-sexual" i mean that i am merely open to the possibility of having sex for the reasons that you said above. i never get aroused at the sight or thought of my partner, nor do i ever wish to initiate sex other than the few times i feel like my partner wants it but is holding back from asking for it. to me, that doesn't sound like the description of a sexual person at all.

as for waiting for "the one", i don't know about that. of course i can't speak for everyone demisexual, but i don't think demisexuals are waiting for anyone any more than any other romantically inclined person is. i, personally, would be just fine in a platonic relationship just like a romantic asexual person may be.

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So here is what I'm sort of concluding from what I have gathered so far from this discussion.

I find that demisexuals are not asexual as I previously would have mentioned. I remember reading here on AVEN that sexuality can be fluid.

Demis are our fluid members. They are asexual until they realize they are not, because of course, demis can't know they are demis until they find that proper relationship.

They truly are technically waiting for "the one" even if they don't know that yet.

I am satisfied with what I have found and with the opinion I have formed, but of course, keep discussing, it's always interesting to read and discuss :)

i agree with you in part. i agree that demisexuality is fluid. my demisexuality, at least, is fluid. but for me my sexuality does not go from being asexual to sexual, if that's what you mean by "fluid". i'd say i'm asexual the majority of the time (EVEN when in a relationship with someone that i love) and am at most semi-sexual the rest of the time. and by "semi-sexual" i mean that i am merely open to the possibility of having sex for the reasons that you said in your 2nd post. i never get aroused at the sight or thought of my partner, nor do i ever wish to initial sex other than the few times i feel like my partner wants it but is holding back from asking for it. to me, that doesn't sound like the description of a sexual person at all.

as for waiting for "the one", i don't know about that. of course i can't speak for everyone demisexual, but i don't think demisexuals aren't waiting for anyone any more than any other romantically inclined person is. i, personally, would be just fine in a platonic relationship just like a romantic asexual person may be.

But now I'm confused again. :( If you have sex for the sake of your partner, you're just asexual, because it's like you're making a compromise. There is no sexual attraction. What makes you demisexual? Also, semisexuals are only open to the idea, but won't do it unless prompted??

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So here is what I'm sort of concluding from what I have gathered so far from this discussion.

I find that demisexuals are not asexual as I previously would have mentioned. I remember reading here on AVEN that sexuality can be fluid.

Demis are our fluid members. They are asexual until they realize they are not, because of course, demis can't know they are demis until they find that proper relationship.

They truly are technically waiting for "the one" even if they don't know that yet.

I am satisfied with what I have found and with the opinion I have formed, but of course, keep discussing, it's always interesting to read and discuss :)

i agree with you in part. i agree that demisexuality is fluid. my demisexuality, at least, is fluid. but for me my sexuality does not go from being asexual to sexual, if that's what you mean by "fluid". i'd say i'm asexual the majority of the time (EVEN when in a relationship with someone that i love) and am at most semi-sexual the rest of the time. and by "semi-sexual" i mean that i am merely open to the possibility of having sex for the reasons that you said in your 2nd post. i never get aroused at the sight or thought of my partner, nor do i ever wish to initial sex other than the few times i feel like my partner wants it but is holding back from asking for it. to me, that doesn't sound like the description of a sexual person at all.

as for waiting for "the one", i don't know about that. of course i can't speak for everyone demisexual, but i don't think demisexuals aren't waiting for anyone any more than any other romantically inclined person is. i, personally, would be just fine in a platonic relationship just like a romantic asexual person may be.

But now I'm confused again. :( If you have sex for the sake of your partner, you're just asexual, because it's like you're making a compromise. There is no sexual attraction. What makes you demisexual? Also, semisexuals are only open to the idea, but won't do it unless prompted??

sorry for confusing you again! didn't mean to. :( keep in mind that everything i'm saying doesn't necessarily apply to everyone who identifies as demisexual. i'm sure not everyone feels the way i do.

to me, what makes me demisexual is this: even though i had been friends with my partner for 4 years prior to starting a relationship with him (the last 2 out of those 4 was actually as close friends), it still took months of being close to him in a romantic way for me to become sexually attracted to him. when that happened, i really do think that what i experienced was sexual attraction. however, that actual sexual attraction has weakened a lot since then (we have been together for 4 years now) to the point that i'm not entirely sure it's appropriate to say that i am sexually attracted to him anymore. however, it is the memory of the sexual attraction that i once had combined with the romantic attraction that i still have which makes me comfortable with the compromising that i do now. sometimes i really do see sex as a boring compromise, but other times i really do do it to try and be closer to him emotionally. does that make sense....?

re: semisexuals, when i used the term "semi-sexual" i really was just using it to describe what i see in myself as being "semi-sexual". i think i have seen people actually identify themselves as semisexuals here on AVEN, but their use of the word really has no connection with my use of the word. hell, i'm admittedly ignorant as to how exactly they use the word. :unsure:

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My goodness, the tumblr discussion that's going on right now is driving me absolutely NUTS and is actually kind of getting me down. :/ It's really nice to see that the community at AVEN is more accepting of demis/grays.

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purplesapphire13

I think this is made of similar psychological stuff to the "asexual version of demisexuality". As in, they ultimately experience sex as something that's part of a larger dynamic of bonding with another person, but they can also tempt themselves to see it as something that can be taken out and enjoyed by itself. This is where it all gets very murky and technical though - because there are probably very few sexuals even who can enjoy totally casual sex with absolutely no complications and no desire to emotionally bond with their partners.

I think this is part of what annoys people about demisexuality. Many sexuals can probably relate to it to some degree, so they don't see it as a clearly unique "thing". And really, it probably isn't, as such. But when you're very far towards the asexual end of it, then it becomes quite a significant force - especially in today's highly sexualised culture.

This. I consider myself demisexual because I've been attracted to maybe 5 people in my whole life, and the emotional bond is part of it. Sure, I think many sexuals can relate to the emotional bond aspect to some degree, but they've most likely been attracted to a lot more people than this. I think this is what people have a hard time understanding.

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asexuality =/= no libido
asexuality =/= sexual repulsion

I don't feel like my libido and lack of repulsion exclude me from what a useful label "asexuality" has become for me. Neither should anybody else who has some self-respect :)

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No one should smash anybody whether they be Demi, semi, grey or what. That's just a complete lack of respect and empathy for another person.

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This discussion upsets me for many reasons. There's a lot of stuff here which seems to clash with my perception/understanding/experience of demisexuality. I'm not going to multiquote because I'd just be here all night picking apart people's posts and that's not nice.

To me, if you're in a relationship where you don't experience sexual attraction towards your partner (and assuming you haven't to anyone else before) then I don't understand how you can call yourself demi. Experiencing (secondary) sexual attraction is in the definition of demisexuality, so if you don't experience it, what is your identity of demisexuality based on? Electric Barbarella's post seemed to give this impression.

For demis, sex isn't a chore or a compromise. Sexual attraction is what makes sex desirable and the exact opposite of a chore. To me, if you reach a certain point of closeness where you're just ok with sex with your partner, that sounds a lot more ace than demi.

Regarding fluidity, I believe it refers to how sexuality is fluid and you shift from one label to another over time. For a demi finally having a strong emotional connection and starting to feel sexual attraction is not what I'd call fluidity. They were demi before and they're still demi now. I used to be repulsed by anything homosexual and homoromantic (involving myself) and I've started being more open to the idea and even had a squish/crush on a guy for a short while. So I've shifted from exclusively hetero-romantic to slightly biromantic and that's what fluidity is about.

A lot of the confusion surrounding demisexuality is how new the term is and how loose the definition is. Unlike grey-sexuality, it isn't meant as an umbrella term to capture a variety of sexual identities which don't belong to asexual or sexual. Demisexuality is used to denote those who only experience secondary sexual attraction and NOT primary sexual attraction. That last part is the part that makes us distinct from sexuals, even if they don't like admitting how often they experience sexual attraction and somehow demisexuality seems "purer". The emotional connection is usually romantic, but doesn't have to be. I currently experience sexual attraction towards my best friend, which only started happening 4-6 months into our friendship.

Something which I have a big problem with (and I realise this is an overreaction) is essentially asexuals calling themselves demi because they like the idea of experiencing sexual attraction towards their partner someday. Up until the point where the actually do experience it, there is no difference between an ace and a demi. They have neither experienced primary or secondary sexual attraction. Once that happens, then they can be sure they're demi. I dislike how elitist I sound when making this point, but I do believe has some validity.

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Electric Barbarella

Riiiiight. So now it falls on my shoulder to defend my views. How annoying. Well, let me start off by saying that I was merely agreeing with the original poster, and I wasn't the only one who agreed with that they mentioned. That said, I think it comes to what you think primary/secondary sexual attraction is. In my mind, liking and trusting someone doesn't make me want to jump in bed with them, it's not as if one day I suddenly start seeing them differently. I see the strengthening of the bond/relationship as opening a possibility for a sexual relationship as a means to express feelings, of being closer. That kind of thing. It's because I love and trust that I find it possible to have sex with someone - that's how I see secondary sexual attraction. (Basically it means I generally wouldn't be the one initiating things, but I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to it either.) I guess you could say I'm more ace than anything, but then again, there are levels to anything. Maybe I'm just a demi that falls closer to the ace side, whereas someone else could actually be the type to develop those, say, sexual urges regarding their partner (after some time) and therefore be more of a sexual-demi than anything else. I think being upset about this is very silly, really. This discussion is merely a way for people to see things differently. Since asexuality is all about "sexual attraction" and no one can really come up with a good definition for that it's only natural that we have some leeway with the definitions of terms. On a somewhat-related note, I see my demisexuality as I see my bisexuality. I use those terms because they are more encompassing and they define my past and present self. Even though I'm more interested in girls I've date boys in the past, so bi fits me, and likewise I don't generally feel sexually attracted to anyone, but I might after a while, so that's why I call myself a demi. For me, these terms define the possibility rather than the what is actually happening in my life. Otherwise I might as well call myself an aro ace, because right now I'm interesting in nothing with no one.

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Argh, that's not what I meant to do, sorry. I wasn't trying to pick you out or make you justify yourself. This is why I shouldn't post when I'm having a bad day :/

I do often tend to assume that the way I experience sexual attraction is the way all demis do, which is probably the flaw in my argument. But the way you phrase it really doesn't match up to the way it feels for me. You say you wouldn't necessarily be opposed to sex, that seems very neutral and detached to me. I have a hard time linking that to attraction. For me, sexual attraction is quite strong and distinct and I would never describe it like you did.

The reason I'm getting worked up over this is that if you're right and that's how demisexuality is, then my stronger reactions to certain people would make me sexual? I don't like that idea.

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Wineblood, something I have been struggling to understand I guess is essentially if a demisexual is still "asexual". That is why I mostly started this topic. Because a Demi without that certain someone to experience that closeness is pretty much asexual and a Demi that has yet to experience that is asexual. I guess I am still having difficulty understanding why some people are up in arms about demisexuals being part of the asexual community. Because in my eyes if you form a connection with someone and experience sexual attraction it is more because of the connection and not just because you randomly have sexual attraction. So it is secondary attraction which to me isn't sexual attraction... But some people say that just because it is a form of sexual attraction they are nowhere near asexual. But if a Demi gets dumped they are asexual again. Although your idea of fluidity makes sense to me how you explained it.

I'm not sure if I expressed myself correctly.

On a different note, I didn't mean to say demis just wait around for their knight in shining armor. They don't know they have the ability to experience sexual attraction so that's not possible for them to do.

I think I am back to square one.

Sorry about any errors, wrote this from my phone.

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As to whether demis are asexual before they experienced sexual attraction, it's really awkward. I'd say I was demi all along, even if I or anyone else didn't know and couldn't tell. The opposite would be saying "I was ace then someone made me demi", that just sounds so off. I think because demis can experience sexual attraction so reliably for so long kind of makes them seem like sexuals to the ace community. I've not been in a relationship but I suspect I would be a lot closer to a sexual than an ace then, but it would only apply to one person. The point is, at the moment, even though I am sexually attracted to one (or two, complicated) person/people, I have a lot more in common with asexuals in general. The sexual attraction does stem from the connection, but I actually can't decide whether it is innately sexual or a sexual manifestation of platonic feelings. The sexual attraction I feel for two people are quite different. One is very strong and clearly sexual at its core whereas the other... I really have no idea.

I do understand your point about "the one". It did take one special person for my deminess to come out and for me to realise it.

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Electric Barbarella

It's cool, Wineblood. We all have bad days. :)

Hm, I don't think it means your stronger reaction is a sign that you are sexual. If you feel that the reaction is from a secondary attraction rather than primary, than demi fits you well. As I said, I think it just means there are also levels of sexual attraction and yours would just happen to be a more overt one. Mine is more low-key, I guess. That's why I said I do behave more like an ace than anything else, even when I have feelings for someone and feel close to them. But I don't necessarily feel that partnered sex is bad. For me it's just... another way to show affection, I guess. Which is why I don't come off as a "strong" demi, hahaha. (Oh wow, this just reminded me of different types of atheist. LOL. I'm "weak" there too.)

Sorry to confuse you lunaw0lf. I still think the definition of demisexuality can stand on itself. And you are quite right about most (all?) demis being aces until they are not. But how that "not" manifests itself can have varying levels, I guess. Which is basically what makes me and Wineblood different types of demi.

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Different levels of demi... this is something I've not actually seen discussed before. Learn something new every day :D

As for the definition, it can stand on its own for demis and aces, but I do feel it needs to be a bit more explicit for the sexuals who don't tend to pick apart sexuality like we do. After all the tumblr stuff I saw a few days ago, I would prefer a definition people can't break down easily simply because they don't like the idea of demisexuality.

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Electric Barbarella

Ahahaha, yes. But I guess it's not a huge stretch to say things like that. Saying asexuality is an spectrum already gives us the freedom to not be so rigid in our views and definitions of terms.

As for people who don't necessarily analyze things as we do, it becomes highly improbable that they'll be "convinced" without first adjusting their own opinions a bit. As long as they don't outright deny the existence of aces/demis, with time they can understand better our point of view. I think it's more a matter of being persistent than consistent, sometimes. If you think about what homosexuals go through too, it's not like still to this day people don't go and say nonsense to them, or deny them the right to exist. There will always be someone who doesn't want to understand, unfortunately.

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I've posted my thoughts on demisexuality here. Lots of people seem to take it for granted that once a demi falls in love with someone, they experience sexual attraction. That is not always the case. And it's not even about simply having sex (lots of aces have sex, and demis before experiencing sexual attraction). Well, my post is in that link, no need to repeat myself :)

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Riiiiight. So now it falls on my shoulder to defend my views. How annoying. Well, let me start off by saying that I was merely agreeing with the original poster, and I wasn't the only one who agreed with that they mentioned. That said, I think it comes to what you think primary/secondary sexual attraction is. In my mind, liking and trusting someone doesn't make me want to jump in bed with them, it's not as if one day I suddenly start seeing them differently. I see the strengthening of the bond/relationship as opening a possibility for a sexual relationship as a means to express feelings, of being closer. That kind of thing. It's because I love and trust that I find it possible to have sex with someone - that's how I see secondary sexual attraction. (Basically it means I generally wouldn't be the one initiating things, but I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to it either.) I guess you could say I'm more ace than anything, but then again, there are levels to anything. Maybe I'm just a demi that falls closer to the ace side, whereas someone else could actually be the type to develop those, say, sexual urges regarding their partner (after some time) and therefore be more of a sexual-demi than anything else. I think being upset about this is very silly, really. This discussion is merely a way for people to see things differently. Since asexuality is all about "sexual attraction" and no one can really come up with a good definition for that it's only natural that we have some leeway with the definitions of terms. On a somewhat-related note, I see my demisexuality as I see my bisexuality. I use those terms because they are more encompassing and they define my past and present self. Even though I'm more interested in girls I've date boys in the past, so bi fits me, and likewise I don't generally feel sexually attracted to anyone, but I might after a while, so that's why I call myself a demi. For me, these terms define the possibility rather than the what is actually happening in my life. Otherwise I might as well call myself an aro ace, because right now I'm interesting in nothing with no one.

exactly! i, too, view demisexuality as being similar to bisexuality.

as ithaca pointed out, some people assume that once a demi has fallen in love they keep experiencing sexual attraction towards the person that they love, just as people assume that because someone is bisexual they must experience attraction to males and females all the time. this is not the case. bisexuality is considered to be "fluid" (just as i consider demisexuality to be fluid) because sometimes a bisexual may find themselves more at the homosexual end of bisexuality where they generally prefer someone of the same gender. at other times, that same person may find them more at the heterosexual end of bisexuality where they generally prefer gender(s) different than their own. there are also people who find themselves on one side of the "fence" the majority of their lives, however they are still open to the possibility that they may be attracted to the other side. "bisexual" is used to describe the possibility of being sexually attracted to more than one gender; it doesn't necessarily mean that the actual attraction itself to more than one gender is always present, just that possibility always is. similarly, there are demisexuals such as myself and Electric who find themselves more on the asexual side of demisexuality and then there are demisexuals like Wineblood who is more towards the sexual side. "demisexual" can be used to describe the possibility of developing sexual attraction towards someone once a strong bond is formed; it doesn't necessarily mean that one always develops sexual attraction once such a bond is formed. it also doesn't mean that the sexual attraction is always there once developed or that the developed attraction will always be strong. it just means that the possibility of developing sexual attraction is always there.

....did i even explain that in a way that makes sense to anyone but myself?

of course, i'm sure there are those who would disagree with this, but that is how i see demisexuality and why i refer to myself as demisexual.

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there are demisexuals such as myself and Electric who find themselves more on the asexual side of demisexuality and then there are demisexuals like Wineblood who is more towards the sexual side. "demisexual" can be used to describe the possibility of developing sexual attraction towards someone once a strong bond is formed; it doesn't necessarily mean that one always develops sexual attraction once such a bond is formed. it always doesn't mean that the sexual attraction is always there once developed or that the developed attraction will always be strong. it just means that the possibility of developing sexual attraction is always there.

....did i even explain that in a way that makes sense to anyone but myself?

of course, i'm sure there are those who would disagree with this, but that is how i see demisexuality and why i refer to myself as demisexual.

It makes sense to me and resonates with the different experiences I've seen demis report. I think that, before my relationship, I thought of myself as being on the asexual side of demisexuality---I thought that, with the right person, I might enjoy sex in a weak way and mainly as an expression of closeness with my partner. My experience with my partner has shifted me more toward the sexual side, though. I don't think that I experience primary sexual attraction, but my secondary sexual attraction to my partner is very strong, to the point where I have a high sex drive and initiate sex as often as my partner does. On the other hand, because we live a few hours away from each other, we can go weeks without getting together, and during the time that we're apart, I go back to not having a sex drive. It's kind of bizarre. I guess I have an unusually strong sense of secondary sexual attraction and only with my partner, with whom I had a close friendship for years before we started dating and became sexual. So I personally had a sense of being demi before I was in a relationship, but I didn't know where I would fall on the demi scale of sexuality until I was in one.

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Hmm, interesting stuff here. And again I realise my view on demisexuality in general were too rigid. I found ADP's post to be my favourite explanation of it, that our scale of demisexuality (more asexual or more sexual) refers to how strongly we experience secondary sexual attraction and it might not be the same for everyone. When I experienced it, it was unbelievably strong to the point where not getting a sexual release was actually uncomfortable and painful. I just found it hard to get my head around other demis describing it as "not minding sex". Anyway, I think I get it now.

As for explaining to sexuals and getting them to accept it, I do think that we need to prioritise being consistent over persistent. Even though there is a wide range of experience between us, we should have a concise way of explaining it to people. If different demis use different terms, it could come across that we're not actually experiencing the same thing and just using demisexuality as a way to feel special. That seems to be the current criticism of it at the moment.

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