The most common misconception on demisexuality, and my random thoughts about it

[ithaca]

So, recently I've picked up writing again, and it feels good. I'm writing something about the ace-verse in my own language so that I may use it for visibility in the future.

Today I was writing something about the gray area, and when I wrote down what 'demisexual' means, I've just went on writing about how demisexual people are often 'accused' of being just 'normal people who want to wait to be with a long-term partner before having sex'.

The point of my paragraph on this was to highlight why this is a wrong opinion:

1. Demisexual people are, most of the time, just like aces, so calling them 'normal people waiting' is already wrong if with 'normal people' they mean 'sexuals'
2. It is not guaranteed that a demisexual person WILL experience sexual attraction towards their partner: it may never happen, or they may feel sexual attraction for someone who is NOT their partner
3. It's not to be assumed that demis won't engage in sexual activities before developing sexual attraction (just like many aces do), or that they will engage in sexual activities after developing it (they may not be in a relationship with the person of their interest, they may be sex-repulsed or celibate or what have you).

Anyway, as I said, just some random thoughts.

[RoL34]

Considering a sexual person who is celibate by choice and "saving themselves" for marriage and/or the right person, and a demisexual doesn't even experience sexual attraction until the right person comes along, yeah, that's a pretty dickish thing to say to a demisexual.

It's kind of like demisexuals are in a catch-22. They keep being told that they have to have sexual attraction, and when they finally do they're afraid to say so because some idiot will say "see!?! I knew all along you were wrong/lying!"

[Lady Girl]

I also think about myself here and how people have said so many things I say sound demisexual. Personally I feel the term should apply to both sides of the sexual asexual spectrum and catch some people on both sides of that not even visible line. It's personally amazing to me how many sexual people I know do not look at people and think "sex with them, hmmmm, yeah". It's just not as simple as we would like it to be.

[Aspiecat]

I feel I am a demi (both -romantic and -sexual) as I have never been attracted to anyone on a romantic nor sexual level until meeting my SO. Not only that, I always felt that I *could* feel either or both (preferably the romantic side, that just seemed nicer) if the right person came along.

Other than that, I was looking forward to spending my life along after becoming single again.

When I *did* meet the right person, it came from out of the blue, as I wasn't searching for anyone. We clicked and as most people reading this may now, we are now engaged [insert happy noises]. And to be sure, we are open to a sexual side of the relationship, but it's not important, or at least if it works it won't be about the act of sex itself; it'll be about having yet another way of connecting with each other that we could never, ever connect with anyone else.

Maybe that is one thing that defines a demi-sexual as opposed to someone who is celibate (ie consciously choosing to abstain from sexual activity) - the fact that the asexual in us is at the forefront unless the right person comes along and even then, the intellectual and emotional aspect is the most important part of the relationship.

[Aspiecat]

I also think about myself here and how people have said so many things I say sound demisexual. Personally I feel the term should apply to both sides of the sexual asexual spectrum and catch some people on both sides of that not even visible line. It's personally amazing to me how many sexual people I know do not look at people and think "sex with them, hmmmm, yeah". It's just not as simple as we would like it to be.

I get what you mean, Lady. After all, sexuality as a general term is a spectrum unto itself, no matter how sexual or asexual one is. So even if someone is sexual, they're not necessarily looking at everyone else as a sexual creature. That is why it's best to regard people as just that - people - first and foremost. I believe too many great relationships - platonic and otherwise - are lost because many people use pigeonhole others too easily.

[RoL34]

But some people DO look at everyone and think "yeah, I'd tap that" There are varying degrees of sexuality yet all are considered "sexual" so it stands to reason that there can be varying degrees of asexuality without being considered sexual.

pigeonholeing is annoying only because people don't understand enough about sexuality. People used to think gays were deviant, and then bisexuals were just "confused" and now the alternate sexuality acronym is like HALF THE ALPHABET so people will understand us more, eventually. We just have to be more loud and annoying. >=D

[Electric Barbarella]

Yeah, you nailed it, Ith. Demis catch a lot of flake (just as bisexuals do) for not being just one way or another. It can be pretty upsetting. That said, most of the time I do feel pretty asexual, so the deminess only becomes an issue once the possibility of liking someone for real happens. Then if you get a crush on someone it's all sorts of annoying, but in a different manner. Always wondering if how you view that person will change or not. Imagine a demi falling in love with an ace... and then becoming sexually attracted to them. Hey - wouldn't that be fun? ...not. Or a demi getting together with a non-ace and then NOT feeling attracted to them. Pffft. Annoying.

[RoL34]

Yeah, but at least a demi would understand and not be offended if their asexual partner was all like "seriously, please no".

I dunno, even if I did find out I was demisexual I could still go the rest of my life quite happily without sex.

[Electric Barbarella]

Yeah, but at least a demi would understand and not be offended if their asexual partner was all like "seriously, please no".

I dunno, even if I did find out I was demisexual I could still go the rest of my life quite happily without sex.

Sure, I would be. Still wouldn't change how I feel and I guess it'd make a bit miserable. I suppose my partner wouldn't be too happy with that either. =/ (Just conjectures, mind. I'm not speaking from experience here, thank heaven.)

As it is know (and as I am demi), I feel pretty okay with not having sex as well, hahaha. But then again, I'm not dating anyone. Who knows about the future.

[Aspiecat]

It really all boils down to being individual people. We all have varying levels of sexuality, no matter what label we may or may not put on ourselves or others.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

The most frustrating thing about it is how some people just don't understand that it's actually possible to simply not know if you'll find someone sexually attractive or not, eventually.

For "straight" guy-on-girl attraction, this concept completely blows people's minds. The other way around it seems to be a bit more complicated, as LG says.

[Janus the Fox]

I also think about myself here and how people have said so many things I say sound demisexual. Personally I feel the term should apply to both sides of the sexual asexual spectrum and catch some people on both sides of that not even visible line. It's personally amazing to me how many sexual people I know do not look at people and think "sex with them, hmmmm, yeah". It's just not as simple as we would like it to be.

But some people DO look at everyone and think "yeah, I'd tap that" There are varying degrees of sexuality yet all are considered "sexual" so it stands to reason that there can be varying degrees of asexuality without being considered sexual.

These are a good example that different localities will result in different alternating views, differing customs and cultures and such, never say never, never say always... No idea why I felt the need to point that out...

[RoL34]

Because people have a tendency to view things in black and white. We know the world doesn't work that way, but it's easy to think like that