Charity sex - is it enough?

[Lady Girl]

I really appreciate your words Dexm. It's what I've always felt about this topic myself...I believe the sexual partner telling themselves it's charity, pity, etc. is our own undoing. I for one, would like to be able to just appreciate what he offers as a loving gesture towards me as just that. It's a loving gesture towards me.

[Guest]

So now, am I to assume that asexuals generally do not want to be loved as sexual beings? Do they generally not want to be made to feel sexy, desirable, beautiful? Because its in the script of many of us to dish out compliments like that, to make our partner feel good. Are sexuals making things worse if they compliment their asexual partner?

It will vary by person. I like being complimented in some ways. "You look nice" or something is fine, I am not really a fan of the overly sexual compliments though. "I just wanna do you now" is not at all a compliment I enjoy, it's more a *rollseyes is that all you can think about*. So, I don't mind being made to feel beautiful, but I don't really care to feel sexually desirable. Though, I know to sexuals the two are linked, to me they aren't.. I just like to LOOK good not make them imagine me naked. :s

[Lady Girl]

So now, am I to assume that asexuals generally do not want to be loved as sexual beings? Do they generally not want to be made to feel sexy, desirable, beautiful? Because its in the script of many of us to dish out compliments like that, to make our partner feel good. Are sexuals making things worse if they compliment their asexual partner?

It will vary by person. I like being complimented in some ways. "You look nice" or something is fine, I am not really a fan of the overly sexual compliments though. "I just wanna do you now" is not at all a compliment I enjoy, it's more a *rollseyes is that all you can think about*. So, I don't mind being made to feel beautiful, but I don't really care to feel sexually desirable. Though, I know to sexuals the two are linked, to me they aren't.. I just like to LOOK good not make them imagine me naked. :s

Lol! That imagining people naked again! A lot of us sexuals do not do that. :lol:

[Guest]

So now, am I to assume that asexuals generally do not want to be loved as sexual beings? Do they generally not want to be made to feel sexy, desirable, beautiful? Because its in the script of many of us to dish out compliments like that, to make our partner feel good. Are sexuals making things worse if they compliment their asexual partner?

It will vary by person. I like being complimented in some ways. "You look nice" or something is fine, I am not really a fan of the overly sexual compliments though. "I just wanna do you now" is not at all a compliment I enjoy, it's more a *rollseyes is that all you can think about*. So, I don't mind being made to feel beautiful, but I don't really care to feel sexually desirable. Though, I know to sexuals the two are linked, to me they aren't.. I just like to LOOK good not make them imagine me naked. :s

Lol! That imagining people naked again! A lot of us sexuals do not do that. :lol:

My partner does lol he comes home with "I've been thinking about you doing X all day at work" ... like thats supposed to be a big compliment to me. :P

[Lady Girl]

So now, am I to assume that asexuals generally do not want to be loved as sexual beings? Do they generally not want to be made to feel sexy, desirable, beautiful? Because its in the script of many of us to dish out compliments like that, to make our partner feel good. Are sexuals making things worse if they compliment their asexual partner?

It will vary by person. I like being complimented in some ways. "You look nice" or something is fine, I am not really a fan of the overly sexual compliments though. "I just wanna do you now" is not at all a compliment I enjoy, it's more a *rollseyes is that all you can think about*. So, I don't mind being made to feel beautiful, but I don't really care to feel sexually desirable. Though, I know to sexuals the two are linked, to me they aren't.. I just like to LOOK good not make them imagine me naked. :s

Lol! That imagining people naked again! A lot of us sexuals do not do that. :lol:

My partner does lol he comes home with "I've been thinking about you doing X all day at work" ... like thats supposed to be a big compliment to me. :P

I know you meant you. It just cracks me up, cause it seems to be the definition of sexual people sometimes...they either imagine people naked or imagine having sex with them. Some of us don't do either of those things ever. :D

[Guest]

So now, am I to assume that asexuals generally do not want to be loved as sexual beings? Do they generally not want to be made to feel sexy, desirable, beautiful? Because its in the script of many of us to dish out compliments like that, to make our partner feel good. Are sexuals making things worse if they compliment their asexual partner?

It will vary by person. I like being complimented in some ways. "You look nice" or something is fine, I am not really a fan of the overly sexual compliments though. "I just wanna do you now" is not at all a compliment I enjoy, it's more a *rollseyes is that all you can think about*. So, I don't mind being made to feel beautiful, but I don't really care to feel sexually desirable. Though, I know to sexuals the two are linked, to me they aren't.. I just like to LOOK good not make them imagine me naked. :s

Lol! That imagining people naked again! A lot of us sexuals do not do that. :lol:

My partner does lol he comes home with "I've been thinking about you doing X all day at work" ... like thats supposed to be a big compliment to me. :P

I know you meant you. It just cracks me up, cause it seems to be the definition of sexual people sometimes...they either imagine people naked or imagine having sex with them. Some of us don't do either of those things ever. :D

Hehe true, stereotype is every sexual to highly (possibly hyper) sexual. My stories about my partner probably don't help with that, half the time if I dress up nice he immediately tries to take all the clothes I just spent half an hour arranging properly off immediately. lol But, I have also been with guys who are more likely to imagine how a girl is at snuggling than how she looks without her clothes on. :)

[Lucinda]

Around here, you don't have to imagine people naked. Just go to the beach and alot of people are practically naked.

:)

Lucinda

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I have also been with guys who are more likely to imagine how a girl is at snuggling than how she looks without her clothes on. :)

Heh, put me down as being one of these guys. :lol:

Interestingly, even in intensely sexual relationships I never cared much for nakedness. Except totally in context. I definitely never daydreamed about it or anything.

One of my exs actually didn't like this about me in fact. I think she actually wanted someone who wasn't too snuggly, but rather more sexually aggressive and less affectionate. When I think back now, I think maybe she was a bit subby, but didn't want to admit that. But yeah, she definitely had issues with me being more affectionate than aggressively sexual. I think she didn't find it "masculine" enough. *shrug*

[DexM]

I really appreciate your words Dexm. It's what I've always felt about this topic myself...I believe the sexual partner telling themselves it's charity, pity, etc. is our own undoing. I for one, would like to be able to just appreciate what he offers as a loving gesture towards me as just that. It's a loving gesture towards me.

Thankyou L.G. :)

I would like to point out, that in no way was what I said meant to be a dig, and it certainly wasn't meant to be offensive. Thankfully, being able to understand both sides of this has helped me be more open to the emotional side of it all. I have a lot of respect for you and the other Ace/non-Ace partnerships. I have learned so much and in a way I have taken that all onboard, making my life far more easy to understand.

[test account]

A post.

[Guest]

Sometimes shared experiences, affection shown elsewhere, a feeling of security, happiness or anything else, can be enough for someone to see that sex from an Asexual isn't being cold or looking detached or that it wouldn't mean anything.

1. You guys are ridiculously sweet. I am so happy for you both!!

2. I can't have sex with partner during the times when I think of it as charity sex. That's why I don't initiate more often than I do... because if I think she doesn't really want me to, then I definitely don't want to. Being unwanted is not a turn on for me. Eventually I'll find myself in a mood where I don't feel like its charity sex... I feel like its something enjoyable that, although we may get different things out of it, is beneficial to both of us. It's only when I'm in that mindset that I can have sex with my partner.

3. Agreed on the quoted parts, for sure!

So now, am I to assume that asexuals generally do not want to be loved as sexual beings? Do they generally not want to be made to feel sexy, desirable, beautiful? Because its in the script of many of us to dish out compliments like that, to make our partner feel good. Are sexuals making things worse if they compliment their asexual partner?

It will vary by person. I like being complimented in some ways. "You look nice" or something is fine, I am not really a fan of the overly sexual compliments though. "I just wanna do you now" is not at all a compliment I enjoy, it's more a *rollseyes is that all you can think about*. So, I don't mind being made to feel beautiful, but I don't really care to feel sexually desirable. Though, I know to sexuals the two are linked, to me they aren't.. I just like to LOOK good not make them imagine me naked. :s

Lol! That imagining people naked again! A lot of us sexuals do not do that. :lol:

My partner does lol he comes home with "I've been thinking about you doing X all day at work" ... like thats supposed to be a big compliment to me. :P

OMG I would never tell my partner that. I've told her a few times that, as a general rule, I think about her sexually a lot, like many times a day... but I would never tell her about it in real time. I think it really bothers her to hear it. :/

[nina324no]

The term 'charity' sex is how I feel quite often. My husband is like the dog getting thrown the scraps. He knows I don't enjoy it, but I do try to enjoy it. This never works, 99% of the time ending in frustration (hurts, can't get into it, etc.) and pushing us apart rather than bringing us together as sex should. At this point, being married almost 3 years in, he knows he's not getting it often. He doesn't expect it more than a few times a year (which is sad, I admit) but honestly even that is too much for me. It's extremely frustrating and I wish there was something I could do to fix it. But aside from giving him more sex (which I do not want!), I don't know what there is to do.

[DexM]

Thankyou SweetyEx and Skulls

[Hungerwolf]

Sometimes shared experiences, affection shown elsewhere, a feeling of security, happiness or anything else, can be enough for someone to see that sex from an Asexual isn't being cold or looking detached or that it wouldn't mean anything.

1. You guys are ridiculously sweet. I am so happy for you both!!

2. I can't have sex with partner during the times when I think of it as charity sex. That's why I don't initiate more often than I do... because if I think she doesn't really want me to, then I definitely don't want to. Being unwanted is not a turn on for me. Eventually I'll find myself in a mood where I don't feel like its charity sex... I feel like its something enjoyable that, although we may get different things out of it, is beneficial to both of us. It's only when I'm in that mindset that I can have sex with my partner.

3. Agreed on the quoted parts, for sure!

>

So now, am I to assume that asexuals generally do not want to be loved as sexual beings? Do they generally not want to be made to feel sexy, desirable, beautiful? Because its in the script of many of us to dish out compliments like that, to make our partner feel good. Are sexuals making things worse if they compliment their asexual partner?

It will vary by person. I like being complimented in some ways. "You look nice" or something is fine, I am not really a fan of the overly sexual compliments though. "I just wanna do you now" is not at all a compliment I enjoy, it's more a *rollseyes is that all you can think about*. So, I don't mind being made to feel beautiful, but I don't really care to feel sexually desirable. Though, I know to sexuals the two are linked, to me they aren't.. I just like to LOOK good not make them imagine me naked. :s

Lol! That imagining people naked again! A lot of us sexuals do not do that. :lol:

My partner does lol he comes home with "I've been thinking about you doing X all day at work" ... like thats supposed to be a big compliment to me. :P

OMG I would never tell my partner that. I've told her a few times that, as a general rule, I think about her sexually a lot, like many times a day... but I would never tell her about it in real time. I think it really bothers her to hear it. :/

Given your avatar and name, I'll assume you're a lesbian for a moment. How would you feel if a man said to you what you say to your partner? Alternatively, what if she said "I want to watch you spit into a cup until it's full."?

The response is likely on a scale from revolted to flattered but uninterested. This is because she either finds sex, and therefore it's implication, revolting or irrelevant.

The spitting into a cup represents irrelevance, because you would likely not be thrilled to be asked that, and while you may be willing to comply to make your partner happy, you would likely find it strange, awkward, and may be embarrassed about whether or not you're even doing it "right" in the first place.

[Lady Girl]

OMG I would never tell my partner that. I've told her a few times that, as a general rule, I think about her sexually a lot, like many times a day... but I would never tell her about it in real time. I think it really bothers her to hear it. :/

Given your avatar and name, I'll assume you're a lesbian for a moment. How would you feel if a man said to you what you say to your partner? Alternatively, what if she said "I want to watch you spit into a cup until it's full."?

The response is likely on a scale from revolted to flattered but uninterested. This is because she either finds sex, and therefore it's implication, revolting or irrelevant.

The spitting into a cup represents irrelevance, because you would likely not be thrilled to be asked that, and while you may be willing to comply to make your partner happy, you would likely find it strange, awkward, and may be embarrassed about whether or not you're even doing it "right" in the first place.

Some of us are well aware of our partner's general attitude towards sex and even my husband who is losing interest by the minute would not consider me desiring sex with him similar to him asking me to spit in a cup until it's full. Also, after 26 years of marriage, I don't think he's wondering if he's doing it right anymore.

There are varying degrees of everything, including what one asexual will compare sexual activity to, what they are comfortable doing, how often, and how adept they are at it.

[BJvirgin]

I wish there was something I could do to fix it. But aside from giving him more sex (which I do not want!), I don't know what there is to do.

let him go find it elsewhere. its an option, and could improve your relationship by relieving the pressure. if you can't, let someone else. it's an emotive subject. of course there is risk. but what is essentially a sexless marriage, is that a greater risk in the long term?

[Member54880]

The term 'charity' sex is how I feel quite often. My husband is like the dog getting thrown the scraps. He knows I don't enjoy it, but I do try to enjoy it. This never works, 99% of the time ending in frustration (hurts, can't get into it, etc.) and pushing us apart rather than bringing us together as sex should. At this point, being married almost 3 years in, he knows he's not getting it often. He doesn't expect it more than a few times a year (which is sad, I admit) but honestly even that is too much for me. It's extremely frustrating and I wish there was something I could do to fix it. But aside from giving him more sex (which I do not want!), I don't know what there is to do.

Have you been able to talk about that with him? I'm afraid that the longer this sexual issue goes on without communication, resentment could build up, possibly on both sides. If there's no way you can enjoy sex, one option might be to ask him about an open relationship. That's a way he could get his sexual needs while taking the pressure off of you, but I don't know what significance sex has to him.

[Sally]

Finding sex somewhere with someone else may be an option, but it's unrealistic to speak of it as simply finding a component -- a product -- outside the marriage and plugging it in. The third person is a person, and I'd guess there aren't that many people who can promise not to engage in sex with someone without any emotions messing it up and wanting to be a partner also, not just a third wheel.

[Lady Girl]

Finding sex somewhere with someone else may be an option, but it's unrealistic to speak of it as simply finding a component -- a product -- outside the marriage and plugging it in. The third person is a person, and I'd guess there aren't that many people who can promise not to engage in sex with someone without any emotions messing it up and wanting to be a partner also, not just a third wheel.

This is a first good reason it can be a problem, a second is that the asexual partner might actually be left alone at times that used to be spent with their SO or spouse, and thirdly, the sexual partner might also find themselves struggling with emotions and fairness with time allotment.

If everyone is already in a poly frame of mind it's different. If it's an attempt at a solution to a problem...it's coming from a wrong place. Poly and Open aren't usually solutions, they are belief systems in a lifestyle in and of themselves.

[Notte stellata]

If everyone is already in a poly frame of mind it's different. If it's an attempt at a solution to a problem...it's coming from a wrong place. Poly and Open aren't usually solutions, they are belief systems in a lifestyle in and of themselves.

1000x this. I think it's okay to start considering open/poly due to the sex problem, but for it to work out smoothly, you have to reach the point where you both embrace the belief systems so much that you'd still be open/poly even if sex wasn't a problem anymore.

[Phantasmal Fingers]

Psychological TMI - masturbation joke - you can deal with it!

"Charity sex - is it enough?"

"Well... no. If charity begins at home, it's too much!"

[Guest]

Sometimes shared experiences, affection shown elsewhere, a feeling of security, happiness or anything else, can be enough for someone to see that sex from an Asexual isn't being cold or looking detached or that it wouldn't mean anything.

1. You guys are ridiculously sweet. I am so happy for you both!!

2. I can't have sex with partner during the times when I think of it as charity sex. That's why I don't initiate more often than I do... because if I think she doesn't really want me to, then I definitely don't want to. Being unwanted is not a turn on for me. Eventually I'll find myself in a mood where I don't feel like its charity sex... I feel like its something enjoyable that, although we may get different things out of it, is beneficial to both of us. It's only when I'm in that mindset that I can have sex with my partner.

3. Agreed on the quoted parts, for sure!

>

So now, am I to assume that asexuals generally do not want to be loved as sexual beings? Do they generally not want to be made to feel sexy, desirable, beautiful? Because its in the script of many of us to dish out compliments like that, to make our partner feel good. Are sexuals making things worse if they compliment their asexual partner?

It will vary by person. I like being complimented in some ways. "You look nice" or something is fine, I am not really a fan of the overly sexual compliments though. "I just wanna do you now" is not at all a compliment I enjoy, it's more a *rollseyes is that all you can think about*. So, I don't mind being made to feel beautiful, but I don't really care to feel sexually desirable. Though, I know to sexuals the two are linked, to me they aren't.. I just like to LOOK good not make them imagine me naked. :s

Lol! That imagining people naked again! A lot of us sexuals do not do that. :lol:

My partner does lol he comes home with "I've been thinking about you doing X all day at work" ... like thats supposed to be a big compliment to me. :P

OMG I would never tell my partner that. I've told her a few times that, as a general rule, I think about her sexually a lot, like many times a day... but I would never tell her about it in real time. I think it really bothers her to hear it. :/

Given your avatar and name, I'll assume you're a lesbian for a moment. How would you feel if a man said to you what you say to your partner? Alternatively, what if she said "I want to watch you spit into a cup until it's full."?

The response is likely on a scale from revolted to flattered but uninterested. This is because she either finds sex, and therefore it's implication, revolting or irrelevant.

The spitting into a cup represents irrelevance, because you would likely not be thrilled to be asked that, and while you may be willing to comply to make your partner happy, you would likely find it strange, awkward, and may be embarrassed about whether or not you're even doing it "right" in the first place.

I can tell you're chastising me for something, I just don't know what. For being aware that my partner prefers I don't say "hey, I was thinking of going down on you today", so I don't say it? Are you upset that I don't say things to upset my partner? Why?

You obviously don't know me and that's fine... as for your question about how I'd feel if a man said something sexual to me... I couldn't care less. My friends and I are sexually very open and I have a male friend who tells me all about his sex dreams about me. I find it amusing.

As for the spitting in the cup thing (wtf?!), I asked "hey baby, is having sex for you like spitting into a cup for someone's fetishistic enjoyment" and she laughed and said "AVEN's so stupid". So there ya go.

[Hungerwolf]

OMG I would never tell my partner that. I've told her a few times that, as a general rule, I think about her sexually a lot, like many times a day... but I would never tell her about it in real time. I think it really bothers her to hear it. :/

Given your avatar and name, I'll assume you're a lesbian for a moment. How would you feel if a man said to you what you say to your partner? Alternatively, what if she said "I want to watch you spit into a cup until it's full."?

The response is likely on a scale from revolted to flattered but uninterested. This is because she either finds sex, and therefore it's implication, revolting or irrelevant.

The spitting into a cup represents irrelevance, because you would likely not be thrilled to be asked that, and while you may be willing to comply to make your partner happy, you would likely find it strange, awkward, and may be embarrassed about whether or not you're even doing it "right" in the first place.

Some of us are well aware of our partner's general attitude towards sex and even my husband who is losing interest by the minute would not consider me desiring sex with him similar to him asking me to spit in a cup until it's full. Also, after 26 years of marriage, I don't think he's wondering if he's doing it right anymore.

There are varying degrees of everything, including what one asexual will compare sexual activity to, what they are comfortable doing, how often, and how adept they are at it.

I'm not sure I follow. Which one of you is asexual? Either way, the idea is that sex is something that asexuals have no drive for. It is something neutral, like spitting into a cup. Very few people would find it absolutely abhorrent, and very few people would find it incredibly interesting. Requesting sex from an asexual would be something akin to that, at least in my circumstance.

I used that as a way for sexuals to understand how we may find the act of sex irrelevant by using an analogy of something they may find irrelevant. Many of the arguments could also be converted fairly easily.

"Why are you so insistent I do this?"

"Well, I just really want it. Because it's just so... hot, and natural, and it's something I want us to share in our relationship."

Apply the above scene to both, and derive the feeling you get from that.

[Hungerwolf]

Sometimes shared experiences, affection shown elsewhere, a feeling of security, happiness or anything else, can be enough for someone to see that sex from an Asexual isn't being cold or looking detached or that it wouldn't mean anything.

1. You guys are ridiculously sweet. I am so happy for you both!!

2. I can't have sex with partner during the times when I think of it as charity sex. That's why I don't initiate more often than I do... because if I think she doesn't really want me to, then I definitely don't want to. Being unwanted is not a turn on for me. Eventually I'll find myself in a mood where I don't feel like its charity sex... I feel like its something enjoyable that, although we may get different things out of it, is beneficial to both of us. It's only when I'm in that mindset that I can have sex with my partner.

3. Agreed on the quoted parts, for sure!

data-time="1360436822">

>

So now, am I to assume that asexuals generally do not want to be loved as sexual beings? Do they generally not want to be made to feel sexy, desirable, beautiful? Because its in the script of many of us to dish out compliments like that, to make our partner feel good. Are sexuals making things worse if they compliment their asexual partner?

It will vary by person. I like being complimented in some ways. "You look nice" or something is fine, I am not really a fan of the overly sexual compliments though. "I just wanna do you now" is not at all a compliment I enjoy, it's more a *rollseyes is that all you can think about*. So, I don't mind being made to feel beautiful, but I don't really care to feel sexually desirable. Though, I know to sexuals the two are linked, to me they aren't.. I just like to LOOK good not make them imagine me naked. :s

Lol! That imagining people naked again! A lot of us sexuals do not do that. :lol:

My partner does lol he comes home with "I've been thinking about you doing X all day at work" ... like thats supposed to be a big compliment to me. :P

OMG I would never tell my partner that. I've told her a few times that, as a general rule, I think about her sexually a lot, like many times a day... but I would never tell her about it in real time. I think it really bothers her to hear it. :/

Given your avatar and name, I'll assume you're a lesbian for a moment. How would you feel if a man said to you what you say to your partner? Alternatively, what if she said "I want to watch you spit into a cup until it's full."?

The response is likely on a scale from revolted to flattered but uninterested. This is because she either finds sex, and therefore it's implication, revolting or irrelevant.

The spitting into a cup represents irrelevance, because you would likely not be thrilled to be asked that, and while you may be willing to comply to make your partner happy, you would likely find it strange, awkward, and may be embarrassed about whether or not you're even doing it "right" in the first place.

I can tell you're chastising me for something, I just don't know what. For being aware that my partner prefers I don't say "hey, I was thinking of going down on you today", so I don't say it? Are you upset that I don't say things to upset my partner? Why?

You obviously don't know me and that's fine... as for your question about how I'd feel if a man said something sexual to me... I couldn't care less. My friends and I are sexually very open and I have a male friend who tells me all about his sex dreams about me. I find it amusing.

As for the spitting in the cup thing (wtf?!), I asked "hey baby, is having sex for you like spitting into a cup for someone's fetishistic enjoyment" and she laughed and said "AVEN's so stupid". So there ya go.

Right, but would you consider ACTING on his sex dream? The point is to get you to understand sexuality. By being told something sexual by someone you don't want sex with, you can empathize with the idea of not wanting sex, even in a sexually charged situation.

The point wasn't what she actually wants you to do. I'm trying to get you to empathize here, so you understand the feeling. How would YOU react? I'm going to assume you're aspitinacup, of course. Replace it with anything you would find irrelevant. "I'd like you to rub this tire. I'd like you to pour milk between two jugs. I'd like you to punch this bag of cupcakes." whatever. The point is, I'm trying to get you to empathize with the idea of having a partner want you to do something that you have no desire to do.

[Lady Girl]

My point was, you don't need to tell us these absurd things you might compare sex to as an asexual. Many sexual partners (like me, and Skulls) on the site are very well aware of the lack of interest our asexual partners have in sex. My husband also thought the spit in a cup thing was really odd, he doesn't need to tell me something like that for me to know how he feels about it. Saying he's not interested pretty much conveys the sentiment. He also does understand why and what it means to me...it's not a matter of either of us trying to get the other to do something they aren't interested in doing. We both make an adjustment, not just him. Both must empathize.

[Hungerwolf]

My point was, you don't need to tell us these absurd things you might compare sex to as an asexual. Many sexual partners (like me, and Skulls) on the site are very well aware of the lack of interest our asexual partners have in sex. My husband also thought the spit in a cup thing was really odd, he doesn't need to tell me something like that for me to know how he feels about it. Saying he's not interested pretty much conveys the sentiment. He also does understand why and what it means to me...it's not a matter of either of us trying to get the other to do something they aren't interested in doing. We both make an adjustment, not just him. Both must empathize.

Right, but that doesn't really carry the weight of having a visceral scenario in front of you.

Maybe I'm used to hearing "But it's SEX!" when I say I'm not interested, and I got some of that vibe from above, when Skullery gives sexual compliments to her partner and seems dejected when she doesn't react. To be fair, I may be more replying to Sweet Golden Executioner who got wrapped up in a quotestorm, but still, I think having this kind of empathy would be a good exercise.

I really want you to FEEL the lack of interest and be in the same situation, not just know the words "s/he isn't interested in sex". I want you to feel the process we go through. You think it's odd? Your husband thinks it's odd? Exactly my point. To asexuals, sex is odd. In this instance, someone into spit in a cup would say "But it's SPIT IN A CUP!"

[Lady Girl]

My point was, you don't need to tell us these absurd things you might compare sex to as an asexual. Many sexual partners (like me, and Skulls) on the site are very well aware of the lack of interest our asexual partners have in sex. My husband also thought the spit in a cup thing was really odd, he doesn't need to tell me something like that for me to know how he feels about it. Saying he's not interested pretty much conveys the sentiment. He also does understand why and what it means to me...it's not a matter of either of us trying to get the other to do something they aren't interested in doing. We both make an adjustment, not just him. Both must empathize.

Right, but that doesn't really carry the weight of having a visceral scenario in front of you.

Maybe I'm used to hearing "But it's SEX!" when I say I'm not interested, and I got some of that vibe from above, when Skullery gives sexual compliments to her partner and seems dejected when she doesn't react. To be fair, I may be more replying to Sweet Golden Executioner who got wrapped up in a quotestorm, but still, I think having this kind of empathy would be a good exercise.

I really want you to FEEL the lack of interest and be in the same situation, not just know the words "s/he isn't interested in sex". I want you to feel the process we go through. You think it's odd? Your husband thinks it's odd? Exactly my point. To asexuals, sex is odd. In this instance, someone into spit in a cup would say "But it's SPIT IN A CUP!"

My husband is asexual, has no interest in sex, diminishing by the minute (that's a slight exaggeration). I understand this without him saying to me imagine if I asked you to spit in a cup. He doesn't necessarily think sex is odd...that's what I was trying to say before, not all asexuals think exactly the same about it, and for that matter, at times I think it's odd, but I still like it.

Him asking me to go without a sexual relationship requires just as much understanding of my feelings. It goes both ways. Neither of us need to use extreme examples such as these. Should I say to him, "Imagine never getting to take another shower in your life, ever...you have to use a washcloth only from now on with a little cup of water."?

You don't need to make me feel it...I have felt it for 26 years, believe me. I didn't understand it without the description of asexuality...that helped more than the strange comparisons (it's just not the same for everyone).

[Sally]

To asexuals, sex is odd.

I don't think it's odd. I don't think things that other people like are odd. I just don't like them.

[Hungerwolf]

My point was, you don't need to tell us these absurd things you might compare sex to as an asexual. Many sexual partners (like me, and Skulls) on the site are very well aware of the lack of interest our asexual partners have in sex. My husband also thought the spit in a cup thing was really odd, he doesn't need to tell me something like that for me to know how he feels about it. Saying he's not interested pretty much conveys the sentiment. He also does understand why and what it means to me...it's not a matter of either of us trying to get the other to do something they aren't interested in doing. We both make an adjustment, not just him. Both must empathize.

Right, but that doesn't really carry the weight of having a visceral scenario in front of you.

Maybe I'm used to hearing "But it's SEX!" when I say I'm not interested, and I got some of that vibe from above, when Skullery gives sexual compliments to her partner and seems dejected when she doesn't react. To be fair, I may be more replying to Sweet Golden Executioner who got wrapped up in a quotestorm, but still, I think having this kind of empathy would be a good exercise.

I really want you to FEEL the lack of interest and be in the same situation, not just know the words "s/he isn't interested in sex". I want you to feel the process we go through. You think it's odd? Your husband thinks it's odd? Exactly my point. To asexuals, sex is odd. In this instance, someone into spit in a cup would say "But it's SPIT IN A CUP!"

My husband is asexual, has no interest in sex, diminishing by the minute (that's a slight exaggeration). I understand this without him saying to me imagine if I asked you to spit in a cup. He doesn't necessarily think sex is odd...that's what I was trying to say before, not all asexuals think exactly the same about it, and for that matter, at times I think it's odd, but I still like it.

Him asking me to go without a sexual relationship requires just as much understanding of my feelings. It goes both ways. Neither of us need to use extreme examples such as these. Should I say to him, "Imagine never getting to take another shower in your life, ever...you have to use a washcloth only from now on with a little cup of water."?

I definitely support compromise in a relationship. It wasn't even really about the oddness, but the irrelevance. I've yet to get a solid answer. If your husband were into this, would you do it for him? And how would you feel while you did it? To have that feeling would be to have a general sense of how sex seems to an asexual.

[test account]

A post.