I think,but I'm not sure. Either Way I feel Horrible

[decktilex]

I never thought about anything sexual in high school, and even in the beginning of college it didn't interest me. It all felt stupid, or at least it did before I met my current girlfriend. She felt the same way that I had though out my life, and for some reason we began to click. We fell for each other. At first we couldn't stop touching each other, but it gradually faded. I began to feel physical desire for her, but she only wanted to cuddle with me, and occasionally kiss, but not french kiss. I began to think it was me, because she was Muslim and saw guys as attractive (I'm a girl) I thought it was because I couldn't please her that she lost interest. She would even point out guys that she thought were attractive. When I asked her if I wasn't enough she said that she was still in love with me, but she wasn't interested in anything physical.

To make a long story short, it's been about a year and a half, and we fight all the time. I'm always the one to initiate, and I practically have to beg for it. When she does reciprocate physical things it feels so forced on her part, and it really hurts me. I've tried to do it myself, but that can only get me so far. I've even thought of having just a physical relationship with someone else, but all I can think about is her, and I know that it would kill her if I was touched by someone else. On top of that she thinks that I'm too emotional when I break down. It really drives me crazy. On top of that, because I ask for it and crave a physical relationship, she thinks that I only like her for sexual things.

I've recently watched the documentary (a) sexual, and it reminds me a lot of what she says. I believe that I've been pushy and a bit insensitive to what I believe her sexual orientation may be, and it makes me feel hopeless. Even worse than that, I feel like an asshole. I'm looking for someone to agree or disagree with my thoughts on her sexuality, and solutions/reassurance that we can make it because I really do love her. I just feel trapped.

[Naosuu]

Hi Deck. First, welcome to AVEN!

As you've probably read around, I just want to say that what you're going through is not uncommon. You're not alone and a lot of people whom come to AVEN go through similar feelings. You're not an asshole for trying to work out a compromise with your partner, nor for wanting something you need in a relationship.

I think the first thing you guys need to do is have a very frank conversation. As it is, your girlfriend thinks you're only with her for sex, but sex is a manifestation of how you feel about her. You just need to express those feelings to her: how having sex is not really about the actual acts, but the fact that you're doing it with her. It's equally important to understand that her not wanting to have sex with you does not mean she loves you any less. It simply means that her love for you does not include sexual intimacy. It'll be challenging for both of you to adjust to these ideas.

Next thing I think you need to do is figure out what works for you as a couple. Some people aren't very touchie-feelie, but if she understands that physical touch is important to you then I'm sure she'll try a bit. One important thing to be explicit about is whether physical intimacy will lead to sexual intimacy - that's a common reason why some asexuals pull away from their partners. If both of you establish some understanding that physical intimacy does not necessarily lead to sex (such as cuddling on the couch), maybe your partner would be more open to that.

For your sexual intimacy, it might be difficult depending on how open she is to it. You can talk about what you're both comfortable with and see what works. Usually, for most mixed couples, dialling down the frequency and drawing clear boundaries for physical/sexual intimacy (as mentioned in the previous paragraph) helps a lot.

I hope this helps, OP. Good luck, a mixed relationship is a difficult beast to tackle.

[jojo2003]

Hi Decktilex!

If you read through some of the threads on this forum, you will notice you are not alone.

I think Naosuu has mentioned a lot I agree with. It is important to talk about the issues you (most likely both) are dealing with alone at this moment. Being a sexual in a mixed relationship I know it is hard to understand that our partners do express their feelings differently.

You ask us to agree or disagree with your thoughts on the sexuality of your partner. It is hard to do so from a distance. But if you feel that this might be the issue, discuss with your partner. Try not to blame eachother and be open minded about the possibilties.

I know how it makes you feel unattractive if you do not have physical contact. Express that feeling towards you partner, but also be open to her point of view. Have you tried to inform her about this forum?

Naosuu is right in that sometimes the asexual partner will refrain from intemacy because of fear that it will lead to more. I keep telling my partner that it does not have to be that way and that most of the time I am perfectly happy with just being close.

Mixed relationships have their good and bad times, as does any relationship I guess.

Good luck to the both of you.