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A welcome post and my confused story


heyzeussantiago

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heyzeussantiago

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here. To be honest I do not know if this is really the right place for me but I would like to share my situation and get some input as I am feeling pretty down about the situation.

First of all I am a 30 year old man, and I have never had sex. I have a brilliant girlfriend of 10 years (stunning as well!) but I have never been able to have sex. Previous girlfriends I didnt have sex either. Outwith this issue I am a very confident guy, sociable, and not in any way nervous, stressed, or anxious.

My confusion arises from the fact that while I feel attractive to females (only females) it is very much in the context of fantasy. I masterbate regularly using fantasy but if an opportunity arose for the real thing it is near 100% that I would get no reaction. I very much feel broken. But this is something that has lasted my whole adult life. I certainly am not asexual in the sense that I have no recogisable drive, but it a drive that seems so distant from the real world and having real sex. While I could fantasise all day about women, if presented with the chance to have sex, I have never taken it - both because I cannot seem to perform, and I am not sure if I actually have any interest in it. Does that make sense?

I read the Q&A on here and this part felt the most applicable to my situation:

"The distinction between sexual and asexual people is that, if asexuals think about other people during masturbation (many asexuals don't think about anything specifically sexual) it is only as fantasy. If they actually were given the opportunity to be sexual with that person there would be no attraction, or the drive would be so low as to be completely ignorable."

That is my issue. Whenever I have had the opportunity in the past I just get no reaction. And this has lasted my whole life. But left on my own I feel like a totally normal heterosexual man.

(TMI)

I have tried cutting out masterbation and after 30-40 days I feel about to burst (excuse the disgusting imagery!). I will regularly wake up with errections and pretty ladies will regularly catch my eye.

As yet even at this stage, if given the chance for sex (and with a girlfriend this would be easily available) I still get nothing.

This may just be a anxiety thing, but it is something I have lived with my whole adult life and as I say I am not an anxious person. I actually struggle to even conceive anxiety as I just dont feel it in most day to day situations. It is more like a brick wall in my brain that seperates real world sexuality from the fantasy world. And while I am very interested in the fantasy side of things, I seem to lack any ability or enthusisam for the real act of sex.

I am also as close as can be to my girlfriend though this is just something we have come to ignore in our relationship. I really dont think it can be 13 years of errectile disfunction can it? I have decided to order some erectile disorder pills to see how that works - if they can offer a kind of kick start to my system that can help me break down the gap between fantasy and reality. I am not at the stage of life where this can no longer be ignored - as my friends get married and have babies it makes me so sad to think may not be able to do this with my girlfriend. To be honest the idea of being asexual makes me very depressed, but at the same time probably no more so than the current feeling I have of just being totally broken.

Anyway, thank you so much for reading this - it means the world to know there are communities out there supporting people. please let me know what you think and any questions feel free to ask.

Regards

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I'm not a guy so probably have no idea what I'm talking about, but perhaps consulting a psychologist or psychiatrist who specialises in sexual issues can help. As you have described your problem being primarily due to fantasy (therefore mental not physical) you may benefit from cognitive behaviour therapy, which is basically training your mind to identify specific problem thought / behaviour patterns, arresting these patterns and learning to gradually amend them.

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Breathing Notes

Welcome to this board, I'm new here as well. Have some cake! :cake:

It confuses me that you have a girlfriend of 10 years and can't have sex with her, how does she react to that for 10 years?

If anything, you should feel comfortable in her presence with no anxiety at all, so you're right it's confusing. :)

Some guys can masturbate on their own, but have no desire to have sex with a woman. Myself included. I don't feel any sensation "down there" when I'm with a woman I find physically interesting/attractive, or any desire to have sex with her. It might be different if I get to know the person intimately, but I don't know (yet).

One positive thing: you're not alone with this, and I hope you find some clarity.

Silmaril's suggestion about cognitive behaviour therapy is definitely something you may consider.

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heyzeussantiago

Thank you both for your replies - they mean a lot.

As regards my girlfriend, the issue is just something we ignore. Hugely embarrassing to say but it has just become an issue in otherwise great relationship we ignore. She was sexually inexperienced before me so I guess she has never known anything difference, but it still cuts me up to know she must be craving something I cannot give her (at least not so far).

I have given serious thought to a psychiatrist - but I dont really know how I would go about finding one. Certainly worth looking into.

Breathing Notes, if you dont mind, can I ask a few questions:

When you masterbate do you fantasise about women? Is it the case (like me) that you dream, think, and fantasise about sex, it is only "real world sex" that you are not interested in? The thing is I still wake up in the mornings with erections, and I still dream about sex. I still want to have sex but I am not sure if this is to do more with wanting to "be normal" rather than a genuine urge.I mean I can go to sleep, dream about having sex with a woman, wake up with an errection, turn over to see my beautiful and wonderful girlfriend, and then it goes away! It is madness and I am really struggling to determine if I am not interested or if I am interested but just paralysed by fear or just broken somehow.

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Breathing Notes

Heyzeussantiago,

I don't masturbate much these days, but when I was younger I masturbated to the thoughts of a girl I was somehow attracted to (knowing her personality).

(TMI)

I never found porn and seeing some chick getting pounded by a guy interesting to watch.

I've had "wet dreams" in my sleep if I've been around women I've found interesting romantically, so at some point earlier in my life I've had a desire I guess, without ever having a need to "stick it in", but I don't have these dreams anymore.

Sometimes I get morning erections, but I've read that's normal for a healthy guy, and not related to sexual desire.

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heyzeussantiago

Breathing Notes,

Thanks again for responding. It really helps me articulate my own feelings.

What confuses me most is that for years I used porn (I dont anymore). I still get turned on in the brain by an attractive woman, still masterbate, still dream about sex, etc. In this sense I seem to be far more sexualised than people on here. But when it comes to the actual act itself I just feel broken and the whole thing seems alien to me. I deperately want to do it - but I am not sure if I have a biological urge to do it or if it just comes from wanting to act normally and make someone I care about happy.

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Guest Invisible Pumpkin

Welcome to Aven! :cake: If you think you will be better off going to a doctor, you should then, maybe they can suggest you something for anxiety and to see how you react after the medication, I don't think you have ED as you do masturbate (but I'm a girl, with no idea about this :blush:).

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Hi and welcome to AVEN. There are a lot of asexuals who masturbate...that does not determine if you are asexual. Also, take a look at my signature. :) It is tricky to figure out sometimes, but I think you are on the right path. Have a little CAAAKKKKEEE!!! First we have kitty cake...nyace.gif

Our traditional slice... :cake:
Purple...purplecake.gifpurplecake.gifpurplecake.gif
Rainbow colors...xHQK9.gifcGK2W.gifbtb0q.gifXZ856.gifkEktO.gif Yellow cake with pink frosting...cake2_zps5226d0c9.pngcake2_zps5226d0c9.pngcake2_zps5226d0c9.png
This delightful carrot cake...1Kfbi.gif1Kfbi.gif1Kfbi.gif
and all these delectable desserts...
apieceofcake.gifpixel_cake_by_Okiedoke.gif6fbdbdb7e383d44ead85a88be3893e0a.gifcc07fc50d1ed16615f3336bb4895a98a.gifstrawberry_chocolate_cake_icon_by_milkbuKawaii_Cake_Icon_by_CrisAvatars.gif

cake-smiley-emoticon.gifgraphics-cake-244464.gifcake_cg-1.pnggraphics-cake-244464.gif6102c6759d2f6fca2604d2d5190dfdae.gifgraphics-cake-244464.gifcake-smiley-emoticon.gif

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Hi and welcome to AVEN and have some greetings :cake:

I can perform the act with a partner, it is just not pleasurable for me, a bit like going shopping with her, physically I can do it but not really an experience I enjoy or look forwards,

In regards to doing the act on my own, I find it to be a physical relief, i.e. something that the body says you need to do that creates space and releases chemicals that your body thinks it needs. I do not fantasize or watch porn or have fetishes, I hope my perspective helps without breaching the TMI rules :o

I have never had any traumatic experiences regarding sex or consider myself abnormal and my sister is a psychiatrist and as far as I am its the way I am an I have been very comfortable with the way I am.

I think your circumstances are very preferable an many on here would wish for the same set-up, please do not sacrifice any of that to try and find a cure for something that may not be curable.

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What confuses me most is that for years I used porn (I dont anymore). I still get turned on in the brain by an attractive woman, still masterbate, still dream about sex, etc. In this sense I seem to be far more sexualised than people on here. But when it comes to the actual act itself I just feel broken and the whole thing seems alien to me.

Don't know how much you relied on porn back in the day but I suspect this may be one of the key factors underlying your current difficulties. IMHO porn creates unrealistic expectations in the mind, which are strengthened by repetition and go on to affect sexual responses in a Pavlovian manner (for want of a better analogy) when these expectations are not met in real life.

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Breathing Notes

Heyzeussantiago,

I'm browsing this site these days, and learning so much from others posts, and I remember a girl (sorry, can't remember her username) writing about how she's having the SAME confusion as you; she *thinks* she has a sexdrive, she thinks about the act of sex, and she WANTS to have sex with her boyfriend, but when the act starts she will suddenly lose ALL interest, libido, lust, and all that. Reminded me of you. :)

I think there are different "levels" of sexuality, and some people might just not be interestet in HAVING SEX while they can perfectly masturbate and have thoughts/fantasy about it. It's not that "they're broken", it's just how their sexuality is.

Your quote touches the issue:

"The distinction between sexual and asexual people is that, if asexuals think about other people during masturbation (many asexuals don't think about anything specifically sexual) it is only as fantasy. If they actually were given the opportunity to be sexual with that person there would be no attraction, or the drive would be so low as to be completely ignorable."

Silmaril has a great point about porn 'playing tricks with your mind', but it seems you're not using porn as much anymore.

Maybe it did create a "fake" libido for you, if you know what I mean?

If you haven't already tried you can stop masturbating altogether, and see if your bodily responses to your girlfriend "wakes up" after a couple weeks/months maybe. Just don't "feel broken" if they do not.

edit: I see in your OP you've already tried that.

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  • 3 weeks later...
unsurebrokenalone
Hi everyone,

This is my first post here. To be honest I do not know if this is really the right place for me but I would like to share my situation and get some input as I am feeling pretty down about the situation.

First of all I am a 30 year old man, and I have never had sex. I have a brilliant girlfriend of 10 years (stunning as well!) but I have never been able to have sex. Previous girlfriends I didnt have sex either. Outwith this issue I am a very confident guy, sociable, and not in any way nervous, stressed, or anxious.

My confusion arises from the fact that while I feel attractive to females (only females) it is very much in the context of fantasy. I masterbate regularly using fantasy but if an opportunity arose for the real thing it is near 100% that I would get no reaction. I very much feel broken. But this is something that has lasted my whole adult life. I certainly am not asexual in the sense that I have no recogisable drive, but it a drive that seems so distant from the real world and having real sex. While I could fantasise all day about women, if presented with the chance to have sex, I have never taken it - both because I cannot seem to perform, and I am not sure if I actually have any interest in it. Does that make sense?

I read the Q&A on here and this part felt the most applicable to my situation:

"The distinction between sexual and asexual people is that, if asexuals think about other people during masturbation (many asexuals don't think about anything specifically sexual) it is only as fantasy. If they actually were given the opportunity to be sexual with that person there would be no attraction, or the drive would be so low as to be completely ignorable."

That is my issue. Whenever I have had the opportunity in the past I just get no reaction. And this has lasted my whole life. But left on my own I feel like a totally normal heterosexual man.

(TMI)

I have tried cutting out masterbation and after 30-40 days I feel about to burst (excuse the disgusting imagery!). I will regularly wake up with errections and pretty ladies will regularly catch my eye.

As yet even at this stage, if given the chance for sex (and with a girlfriend this would be easily available) I still get nothing.

This may just be a anxiety thing, but it is something I have lived with my whole adult life and as I say I am not an anxious person. I actually struggle to even conceive anxiety as I just dont feel it in most day to day situations. It is more like a brick wall in my brain that seperates real world sexuality from the fantasy world. And while I am very interested in the fantasy side of things, I seem to lack any ability or enthusisam for the real act of sex.

I am also as close as can be to my girlfriend though this is just something we have come to ignore in our relationship. I really dont think it can be 13 years of errectile disfunction can it? I have decided to order some erectile disorder pills to see how that works - if they can offer a kind of kick start to my system that can help me break down the gap between fantasy and reality. I am not at the stage of life where this can no longer be ignored - as my friends get married and have babies it makes me so sad to think may not be able to do this with my girlfriend. To be honest the idea of being asexual makes me very depressed, but at the same time probably no more so than the current feeling I have of just being totally broken.

Anyway, thank you so much for reading this - it means the world to know there are communities out there supporting people. please let me know what you think and any questions feel free to ask.

Regards

Hi I am new to this forum, I only found info on this today, and I am exactly the same as yourself except the female version without the partner. Again, I am unsure if I come under the asexuality clause as well, but cannot find anything else to help. I would be interested in any outcomes you come across in your tracks.

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Hi there, welcome! I am afraid I have no answers for you, but I can offer some more cake: :cake::cake::cake::cake::cake:

You are definitely a welcome member of this community and I hope that you find the answers you are seeking.

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  • 2 months later...

As a guy I can say I feel very similar to your story. I watch porn ( hetrosexual only) and my body does function it just doesn't create any "click" in my brain between seeing the action on the screen and feeling any sort of interest or desire to perform the same acts in real life with a girl. As far as waking up in the morning hard I think that happens with all men regardless of sexual desire...just a natural function of the body...I also have on a rare occurrence a dream that involves sex but it never is about an actual person just a figment of my imagination. I find that if you don't regularly masterbate it is more common to have dreams involving sex...sort of the bodies natural way to refresh supplies. Since that is a very awkward feeling to have to deal with I find masterbating once in a while to help stop it from happening. It is tough as a guy to not think about sex or be reminded about it. I hope this helps a little bit...it does seem like being an asexual male can be tough at times but it sounds like you have a nice caring partner. Best of luck!

Mark

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I truly wish I had some cheerful welcoming normalcy for you, but unfortunately all I am able to sincerely do is recommend that you call for a medical appointment. This will give you the best result for your situation.

Please let us know how things are proceeding for you, by way of updates. You are a member of AVEN and we all care about how your life is progressing. :cake::cake::mellow:

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