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Hello, married to a demisexual (TMI)


aligerous

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I’ve been visiting this site off and on for over a year now and finally decided to post. I’m a bisexual female with a high sex drive, and I’ve been married to a demisexual male for nearly seven years. He was a virgin before we met, and while sex was awkward at first, I assumed it was simply due to his inexperience. I love him very much, and he is my absolute best friend.

Our first son was born about three years into the relationship (we have two sons now), and it was only afterward that my husband initiated sex for the first time (previously it was always me and I had to take a “hands on” approach). It was as if we had to know each other that well, and have that much history before he became interested in sex. I looked my worst at that time, but attraction seems to have nothing to do with physical appearance for him.

It was around this time that I discovered the definition of demisexual, and I shared it with him. He agreed that it described the way he felt. We talked a lot about our different sexualities and discovered some huge variances:

· When looking at an unclothed, attractive person on TV I get all “tingly” while he feels nothing.

· He is unaffected by pornography, but finds it questionable due to worker’s rights issues, portrayal of women, possible drug abuse, et cetera, whereas I watch it on a regular basis.

· He masturbates only a few times a year, but doesn’t really like it. I, however, can’t sleep without it and do it up to four times a day (which is about the limit before injury, lol).

I’m glad, for the most part, that we’ve discovered a term for this. It's a great relief to know that the reason he isn’t particularly interested in sex isn’t due to some massive defect in one or the both of us. It’s also nice to know that he would be just as happy with me if I were just a brain in a jar. Likewise, he seems glad that he isn’t the only man who views sex the way he does.

So now for the problem. Since learning of his demisexuality, he has stopped faking certain sexual behaviors (I had no idea he was doing this) such as arousal. Sex is 100% emotional connection for him, with physical pleasure just a side effect. While, obviously, I don’t want him to pretend with me, it's making it difficult since I’m the complete opposite. In order for me to enjoy sex I need to be able to focus on the physical aspects more than anything else. I don’t like a lot of emotional intimacy in bed. He keeps trying to “gaze deep into my eyes,” and it makes me completely uncomfortable. I think part of the reason for that is because there is no arousal in his look, just pure love, and it makes me feel like a pervert for having carnal thoughts. Almost like I'm trying to get down and dirty with an angel—if that makes sense?

I’m not really attracted to him anymore, although he’s physically gorgeous. I think it’s because there is no passion (lust? Attraction?) in him for me to respond to. We have sex about once a month now. He initiates, but neither of us is getting what we want out of it. I dislike kissing him because it’s all affection but no passion. I don’t feel swept up in it so I end up wondering what the last thing he ate was, or if he remembered to brush his teeth that morning and suddenly it becomes gross. I feel like I’m kissing a relative—it feels wrong.

I have zero desire to leave the relationship. But I need to reconfigure our sex life. The kissing thing bothers me a lot, as does my lack of interest in him physically. I feel so lucky (as a sexual) that he turned out to have any interest in sex at all, but I still want him to look at me like he wants me, not just cares about me.

I hope someone else can relate to this, or has some insight to offer. No one I talk to seems to have any idea what this is like.

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Hi! I was just wondering if you had heard of PSAS/PGAD? I think I read in one of your other posts that you experience arousal up to 100 times a day. That seems like a lot to me. I don't experience it spontaneously at all. I suppose if it doesn't bother you, no big deal. I just wondered if you had explored this possibility.

It may seem unrelated to your post and question, but I think if you check into it, perhaps it could resolve some of the other issues. The gazing into eyes and affection seem highly desirable to me.

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Hi! I was just wondering if you had heard of PSAS/PGAD? I think I read in one of your other posts that you experience arousal up to 100 times a day. That seems like a lot to me. I don't experience it spontaneously at all. I suppose if it doesn't bother you, no big deal. I just wondered if you had explored this possibility.

It may seem unrelated to your post and question, but I think if you check into it, perhaps it could resolve some of the other issues. The gazing into eyes and affection seem highly desirable to me.

I had never heard of this before--thank you for mentioning it. My sexuality has always seemed odd compared to others, and this might actually fit more than the other thing I was reading about, hypersexuality. I don't really have a drive to have sex all the time as much as I just want relief. I strongly dislike foreplay or any kind of below the belt touching on me because I find it painful/too sensitive, which seems to be one of the symptoms. Huh, thirty-one years old and my body is still such a mystery.

Most of the time it doesn't bother me. I'm kind of used to it. When I was a teen I used to try to stop it and was really paranoid that other people could tell. But it would be nice to lower the frustration level a bit and be more patient with non-orgasmic physical contact.

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Hi! I was just wondering if you had heard of PSAS/PGAD? I think I read in one of your other posts that you experience arousal up to 100 times a day. That seems like a lot to me. I don't experience it spontaneously at all. I suppose if it doesn't bother you, no big deal. I just wondered if you had explored this possibility.

It may seem unrelated to your post and question, but I think if you check into it perhaps it could resolve some of the other issues. The gazing into eyes and affection seem highly desirable to me.

I had never heard of this before--thank you for mentioning it. My sexuality has always seemed odd compared to others, and this might actually fit more than the other thing I was reading about, hypersexuality. I don't really have a drive to have sex all the time as much as I just want relief. I strongly dislike foreplay or any kind of below the belt touching on me because I find it painful/too sensitive, which seems to be one of the symptoms. Huh, thirty-one years old and my body is still such a mystery.

Most of the time it doesn't bother me. I'm kind of used to it. When I was a teen I used to try to stop it and was really paranoid that other people could tell. But it would be nice to lower the frustration level a bit and be more patient with non-orgasmic physical contact.

That is what I thought also, based on reading your posts. It seemed more like what you are describing, especially after someone mentioned it, and I looked it up for a read through. It would definitely be good to be able to lower the frustration level.

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