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Christian sexual married to an asexual


MightBeLosingIt

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I'm so grateful you shared your experience. I could have written that post myself (not as well, though), except that I'm a sexual man married to an asexual. We're both Christian.

My idea of Christian marriage isn't what reality turned out to be. We now sleep in separate rooms. We don't touch each other at all. No hugs, no kisses, no holding hands, nothing. A cold bed and a unbearable hunger for being desired isn't what Corinthians talked about. But my wife simply ignores that part of the Bible.

I don't know what to do either. My wife told me that she doesn't have any sexual desire. She seems repulsed by sex. This includes any intimate touching. In our wedding ceremony I didn't promise her that I'll be a celibate husband. She promised before God that she'll be a Christian wife, which implies sex unless otherwise agreed. She lied.

I wish I could tell you what to do, or give you advice. There are only two clear things for me about my relationship: what my wife is doing is wrong and she'll have to answer to God for this someday. Not because she's asexual - but because she refuses to compromise, keeps blaming me for our lack of sex and completely ignores the pain that her lack of honesty is causing me. She never mentioned she didn't like sex. I wouldn't have married her otherwise. And she should never have made promises she wasn't planning to keep.

The second thing clear to me is that I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a monk - I know this doesn't sound very Christian but I feel like I'm losing my mind lately.

Please keep writing about your experience.

Did your wife know she didn't like sex before she got married? Or did she discover that after the fact? She shouldn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to, hurting oneself to do that is not healthy and there is no obligation on anyone to provide it. But, if she knew before you two got married that she wouldn't be able to have sex, she should have told you. Hurting yourself by abstaining isn't healthy either and should have been an informed choice (IF she knew, many asexuals don't even realize until they get into a relationship that is sexual). It's a difficult situation, either way. Have you two tried counseling to try to come to a mutual understanding of each others feelings, without blame being thrown (by her to you, or you to her) ? A safe space to talk may be beneficial. Does your religion offer annulments under such situations, if she refuses to have sex and you need it?

That's a very good point - I don't know if she knew she didn't like sex. We met in our late 20s and she had never had sex before but I thought it was because she was a Christian (and so she said). Maybe she didn't know - but she should have realised that she had no sexual desire.

I agree in that she shouldn't have sex if that makes her uncomfortable. That's why I stopped asking for it. She also dislikes intimate touching, so I stopped asking for it too. I definitely don't want her to do anything she doesn't like. But the question is where does that leave me? if there's no room to compromise because she dislikes all sensual interaction, is she happy to deprive me of my sexuality for the rest of my life?

We haven't tried counselling. I wish I was brave enough to ask her to go together. The last couple of times we talked about sex, it didn't go so well.

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".... Maybe she didn't know - but she should have realised that she had no sexual desire."

Actually, no. It could be a case of not knowing that she had wrong ideas about her own sexuality.

Especially for women due to their much-more-complex biology, a person's sexual desire, or lack thereof, is not always apparent to him/her nor simple to recognize. It'd be different if each of us possessed identical sexual physiologies and psychologies, but those vary tremendously from person to person. And, since none of us is handed a comprehensive manual cataloging and describing all the possible varieties and combinations of sexual and romantic orientations, responses, desires, libidos, and needs, it's too easy to not even know which questions to ask ourselves to know our specific variety. Consequently, and unsurprisingly, we're uninformed and naive about sex and sexuality and often make assumptions about our own which are seriously erroneous.

For example, some women manifest sexual desire only after becoming emotionally connected to a partner; until sexual desire is generated by a relationship, they feel little to none. Therefore, a woman might simply assume she'll feel desire at some point after she's in a committed relationship/marriage only to discover she has none after experiencing marriage. Nope, not fair to her sex-desirous spouse -- but, unfortunately, due to misfounded assumptions by both partners, an all-too-possible scenario.

In your wife's case, a lack of desire in her could easily have been confused with and mistaken by her for her Christian beliefs and attitudes against premarital sex and toward sexuality generally. Christian beliefs may also have prevented her from discovering her sexual disinterest via sufficient premarital experiences.

I'm not insisting that your wife didn't know beforehand. Maybe she very well knew. Maybe she knew but hoped that somehow she would change after the wedding. But that she "should have known" is not factual. She may be as much a surprised victim of the sexual disparity as you are.

Did she state before you were married that she had sexual desire? Did you, in considering her for a spouse, ask her if she had sexual desire, or, simply assume she did?

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Thanks josesantus, it's really good to see things from a different perspective. I'm very new here, so I have a lot to learn about asexuality.

Christian beliefs may also have prevented her from discovering her sexual disinterest via sufficient premarital experiences.

This is a very interesting point. It's hard for me to speculate but it could be the case.

We talked about sex before we got married. She did say she desired me and that we'd have sex after marriage. I appreciate that she might have said that because she was afraid of losing me, for example, or like you said hoping things will change after the wedding.

I understand that she might be as much a surprised victim of her sexual disparity as you are. Although at the moment the situation is this: she doesn't have desire and doesn't want sex, and we don't have sex. I have desire and I want sex, but I don't have sex. This doesn't involve any sacrifice from her part - but a lot of sacrifice from my part.

Thanks again! :)

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I'm so grateful you shared your experience. I could have written that post myself (not as well, though), except that I'm a sexual man married to an asexual. We're both Christian.

My idea of Christian marriage isn't what reality turned out to be. We now sleep in separate rooms. We don't touch each other at all. No hugs, no kisses, no holding hands, nothing. A cold bed and a unbearable hunger for being desired isn't what Corinthians talked about. But my wife simply ignores that part of the Bible.

I don't know what to do either. My wife told me that she doesn't have any sexual desire. She seems repulsed by sex. This includes any intimate touching. In our wedding ceremony I didn't promise her that I'll be a celibate husband. She promised before God that she'll be a Christian wife, which implies sex unless otherwise agreed. She lied.

I wish I could tell you what to do, or give you advice. There are only two clear things for me about my relationship: what my wife is doing is wrong and she'll have to answer to God for this someday. Not because she's asexual - but because she refuses to compromise, keeps blaming me for our lack of sex and completely ignores the pain that her lack of honesty is causing me. She never mentioned she didn't like sex. I wouldn't have married her otherwise. And she should never have made promises she wasn't planning to keep.

The second thing clear to me is that I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a monk - I know this doesn't sound very Christian but I feel like I'm losing my mind lately.

Please keep writing about your experience.

Did your wife know she didn't like sex before she got married? Or did she discover that after the fact? She shouldn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to, hurting oneself to do that is not healthy and there is no obligation on anyone to provide it. But, if she knew before you two got married that she wouldn't be able to have sex, she should have told you. Hurting yourself by abstaining isn't healthy either and should have been an informed choice (IF she knew, many asexuals don't even realize until they get into a relationship that is sexual). It's a difficult situation, either way. Have you two tried counseling to try to come to a mutual understanding of each others feelings, without blame being thrown (by her to you, or you to her) ? A safe space to talk may be beneficial. Does your religion offer annulments under such situations, if she refuses to have sex and you need it?

That's a very good point - I don't know if she knew she didn't like sex. We met in our late 20s and she had never had sex before but I thought it was because she was a Christian (and so she said). Maybe she didn't know - but she should have realised that she had no sexual desire.

I agree in that she shouldn't have sex if that makes her uncomfortable. That's why I stopped asking for it. She also dislikes intimate touching, so I stopped asking for it too. I definitely don't want her to do anything she doesn't like. But the question is where does that leave me? if there's no room to compromise because she dislikes all sensual interaction, is she happy to deprive me of my sexuality for the rest of my life?

We haven't tried counselling. I wish I was brave enough to ask her to go together. The last couple of times we talked about sex, it didn't go so well.

It's not really as easy as "Oh, you always know if you want sex or not" ... especially in a Christian setting. Here are some pretty common thoughts asexuals may have:

You aren't supposed to want to have sex before marriage, so not wanting it before then is just because it's wrong.

I don't think about sex much, but that is because I am a woman.

Sex looks nice on TV, so it should be nice IRL, I guess.

I have a libido and I get turned on / want to masturbate, so that means I want sex.

I like porn, so I must want sex.

I find people beautiful/handsome, so that means I am sexually attracted to them.

I am just a late bloomer.

I just haven't had it yet, so I am nervous about it like any virgin.

All humans want/enjoy sex, so I must just need to find the right person for it.

I can't know if I like it until I try, but I like him/her so I am sure I will.

Etc etc etc...

It's really, really hard to figure out your own sexuality, ESPECIALLY if you aren't allowed to experiment with it due to religious beliefs.

For example: I always just assumed one day I would want sex, even though I have no libido really and never had any interest in masturbation or anything. But, I was human and sex is part of human relationships, so of course one day I would want it. Got into a relationship, enjoyed kissing/cuddling/making out, but sex was still not really something I thought about. After about 6 or so months, we had sex, I enjoyed the closeness with him but the sex part was just meh. I could have gotten the same "high" feeling from cuddling, I just liked being close to him. Few years of having sexual relationships, I got REALLY tired of it and bored and frustrated. Talked to my family (females) about it and they all said "Oh yeah, women don't like sex like men do. We do it for them. It's pretty normal to become bored/frustrated with sex in a relationship." Two of them preferred no sex in a relationship, the other enjoyed sex once a month at most. So, ok, I go along with it just assuming they are right and my feelings towards sex being so boring are perfectly natural and just part of the cost of having a relationship. Five years into my current relationship, I just literally could not take it anymore, he wanted it daily and I didn't want it at all.

So, I googled low libidos and how to "fix it" and ended up reading all these people saying how they REALLY miss wanting sex and want sex so much and enjoyed it and it was this huge pleasurable thing and I never felt that way. Kept googling, kept reading. Stumbled across an article from an asexual saying how sex never did anything for them, it was boring, a chore and they never felt an urge or desire towards it beyond pleasing their partner. I was like "BINGO! That sounds like me." So, I googled asexual. Ended up here. Realized all my excuses for why I didn't seem as interested as society made it seem I should were just that, excuses. It didn't mean I was broken, didn't mean I just needed a different partner or to experiment more, didn't mean I just needed to "discover my fetish", didn't mean I just needed to give it time, didn't mean I just needed to sacrifice for my man ... it meant I am just different than most people. I had been having sex since I was 15 at that point, I was 25 when I found AVEN.

People don't get told it's acceptable to NOT want sex. We get told we're broken and need to find the way to fix us, because EVERYONE wants sex. Or our partners are to blame, because they aren't "man enough" to please us and we need a "real man." We get told to stop being such prudes and let ourselves enjoy it. We get told we'll enjoy it in time and everyone is nervous/uncomfortable with the idea their first time, but you'll feel differently once you do it. This is why visibility is SO important for asexuality, to avoid situations where a person doesn't discover they are asexual until YEARS into a relationship when they run out of reasons on their list and go looking for more. So people don't feel broken for feeling differently than the majority. So people can get to know themselves much earlier.

So, yeah, it's very possible your wife had no idea. It's even possible she doubted herself and talked to someone and got assured she would love it once her honeymoon came around. Without talking to her, you can't know if she mislead you, or was mislead herself, or simply was too ignorant of her own feelings until it came down to actually having to do it. Her blaming you sounds like either she has talked to someone, or she's too scared to admit her lack of desire is part of her, because then she'd be broken and a horrible wife (that is one fear some of us have, admitting we failed at our relationship and are too broken for anyone to love... which isn't accurate, but it's how people can feel about it). It can be terrifying to finally admit you aren't like most people - especially if you're religious, because a lot of the religious communities do not accept asexuality any more than homosexuality.

As for intimate touch - if she enjoyed it before marriage, she may just be pulling away from that due to the expectation of sex or guilt over turning you on and being unable to deliver. I LOVE everything up to making out, just not sex, but I keep myself at arms length because my partner gets turned on by any of it and I know I am sexually frustrating him when I don't want to have sex, so I just don't do any of it. I don't enjoy the stress that comes from it.

You two need to have a pretty detailed, non-blaming discussion about sex and how she feels about it. Not an argument or a fight, just a discussion where you both agree to leave anger at the door and nothing said will be held against either of you. To do that, counseling may be needed, it's hard to not get hurt/angry when discussing such things. I know you don't feel like she is suffering from the arrangement, but most asexuals can tell they are hurting the person they love by not wanting sex and that causes a lot of shame/guilt/fear in some people. Being the cause of pain to the person you love and have chosen as a life partner is not easy.

YOU have a right to be happy. SHE has a right to be happy. You may not be compatible in the end, in which case I am unsure what your options are within your religion - but both of your feelings are perfectly valid. If you want it to work as a couple, you both have to admit responsibility for the incompatibility (meaning she either has to admit to being wrong, or misleading, whichever was the case), leave blame at the door and try to find some sort of middle ground. For me, I arranged a schedule for sex with my partner. Others are not comfortable with penetration, but may be comfortable doing manual stimulation and/or oral. It really depends on her feelings and without her being open, you won't know what those are. When communication is hard to get, it makes mixed relationships much, much harder. :( Open and honest communication is the only way to make the situation work, as far as I know.

If you go into another discussion, try to avoid any sentences that may force her onto the defensive. "I am not asking you to have sex with me, but I would like to know how you feel about sex. Are you repulsed by it, or simply disinterested? Is it all acts, or just penetrative sex?" Instead of "Why don't we have sex?" for example. Or "I am not saying you lied, I understand you may not have known this about yourself, but could you explain to me what made you sure you don't want sex?" Instead of "Why did you say you wanted sex, but now you don't?"

Note: I am not saying you are doing anything wrong when you talk to her, I don't know you or how you converse with your wife. I am just giving some advice on ways that might help open discussion, since she seems against discussing this with you in any way that can make you understand.

And one more note: Until she adopts the label asexual herself, we can't know if that is her issue with sex. It could be any number of things causing lack of sexual desire. So, again talking to her is really important to understand why.

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Serrans' detailed account of her personal experiences mirror much of my own Asexual wife's, and of my wife's and mine as a couple, as well as echo what my wife and I came to realize about Asexuality and all-things-related as we dealt with our sexual disparity through three decades. Read and re-read her post!!!

One main reason my wife and I remain together is because we did manage to openly, albeit painfully, communicate exhaustively. That took time, and was an ongoing process for many, many years. Through the honest communication, we eventually understood how the disparity affected each of us.

As Serran indicated, the Asexual partner may not be hurting from unfulfilled needs of sexual intimacy, but will inevitably be hurting under the realization of being unable to fulfill a major need of the Sexual partner loved. Earlier in our marriage, after surrendering her "I-don't-want-to-accept-this-problem-exists" denial mode, my spouse suffered depression and even suicidal thoughts because of her inability to fill my need. My wife eventually came to accept herself and our relationship (and I came to accept myself and our relationship, by the way), yet even now, thirty-three years accustomed to our situation, she still struggles with feelings of guilt and failure at times. So, realize that, "... at the moment the situation is this: she doesn't have desire and doesn't want sex, and we don't have sex. I have desire and I want sex, but I don't have sex," doesn't mean shes not suffering in her own way.

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As Serran indicated, the Asexual partner may not be hurting from unfulfilled needs of sexual intimacy, but will inevitably be hurting under the realization of being unable to fulfill a major need of the Sexual partner loved.

My partner and I also wrestle with this. Our lack of sex life has weird side effects. I feel totally useless as a partner because its like "if you don't want to have sex with me, what's my value?", so I do waaay more than my share of work around the house, and often wait on her hand and foot just to prove my nonsexual value. That makes her feel weird, so she'll try to help out, which makes me freak out that she's trying to displace me. Since she can't satisfy me sexually, she'll come up with things to "help" me which are almost always kind of insulting (but I appreciate the gesture!!).

Anyway, yeah. Both partners have their own cross to bear.

ps, thanks Joe for recommending Serran's post... it should be required reading in this forum.

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wait on her hand and foot just to prove my nonsexual value

I wish my wife would do something like that. She doesn't need to prove her non-sexual value at all, of course. But at least it would show that she's fighting for me somehow. For my wife, all carries on as normal, except for the small detail that we have no sexual contact at all.

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wait on her hand and foot just to prove my nonsexual value

I wish my wife would do something like that. She doesn't need to prove her non-sexual value at all, of course. But at least it would show that she's fighting for me somehow. For my wife, all carries on as normal, except for the small detail that we have no sexual contact at all.

I'm the sexual in the relationship, btw. :)

I think the tough thing is to find the right balance. She and I get caught in a codependent cycle every now and again that's not healthy, because like you said, no one actually should have to prove their nonsexual worth. Little gestures that show you care about the person AND their role in your life are key, but taking it too far, like my partner and I sometimes do, raises its own problems.

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Personally, I think if you can find a way to make your relationship work without sex, then that will make your relationship stronger. Sex shouldn't be the foundation of a relationship. This is coming from an asexual, true, but a relationship shouldn't need sex to thrive

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Personally, I think if you can find a way to make your relationship work without sex, then that will make your relationship stronger. Sex shouldn't be the foundation of a relationship. This is coming from an asexual, true, but a relationship shouldn't need sex to thrive

You are forgetting that to sexuals, sex is sometimes a NEED for emotional well being. To you and I, sure sex is just some thing people like to do. To other people, it is something they can't help but need and if it is denied them, they feel terrible all the time, no matter how great their life is otherwise. It's like taking meaningful conversation away from someone who needs that social interaction to thrive, or telling a person they can never even touch another human being if they are very tactile. Just because someone needs sex in their lives, doesn't mean they base their relationships on it. It's just a part of the relationship, but an important part to some.

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You are forgetting that to sexuals, sex is sometimes a NEED for emotional well being

I absolutely agree. For me it isn't a "choice", it just something that I need in the same way that I need food. I can go without sex for a certain period of time, but that has all sorts of consequences for me. I need sex for my emotional well being.

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Personally, I think if you can find a way to make your relationship work without sex, then that will make your relationship stronger. Sex shouldn't be the foundation of a relationship. This is coming from an asexual, true, but a relationship shouldn't need sex to thrive

As a still-highly Sexual married 33 years to an Ace, and as someone who's "shared notes" with a few other couples we know (Sexual-Sexual couples as far as I know) who've stayed together as long as my wife and I have, I do agree that sex cannot be the foundation of any successful long-term (and by that, I mean longer than 25 years) relationship. If sex was the foundation of my marriage, then my marriage would have ended long ago.

For a Sexual, sex is an essential without which a tremendous emotional and psychological as well as physiological strain is often continuously experienced. However, all I've ever found indicates that if sex is the foundation upon which the relationship is built, that relationship is headed for an inevitable crumble. Even in the most-ideal-at-the-start Sexual-Sexual relationships, sexual intimacy for one or the other partner substantially changes, seriously wanes, is obstructed by many of the other responsibilities and problems of a life together. For an extreme example...one of those couples we know were both highly Sexuals for about twenty-five years, until perimenopause so radically altered the wife's hormones that her libido dropped from desiring sex literally five times per day to ZERO; nothing medical has been able to change that for her since. Although he is still as sexual as ever, she has zero interest in sex. But, they're still together eight years later because, as important as sex is to them both, sex was not the foundation of their relationship.

Yes, sex is essential for a Sexual...but if sex is the foundation on which a relationship is built, in my experience and observations, it's built on sand. All I've witnessed is that when a Sexual is involved, a relationship without sex might not thrive and may possibly disintegrate; but a relationship founded on sex almost definitely will disintegrate.

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wait on her hand and foot just to prove my nonsexual value

I wish my wife would do something like that. She doesn't need to prove her non-sexual value at all, of course. But at least it would show that she's fighting for me somehow. For my wife, all carries on as normal, except for the small detail that we have no sexual contact at all.

That's because she doesn't care about you or your feelings, needs, or desires.

She did say she desired me and that we'd have sex after marriage.

So why don't you hold her to that? It really sounds like you're having trouble standing up for yourself and your own needs.
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wait on her hand and foot just to prove my nonsexual value

I wish my wife would do something like that. She doesn't need to prove her non-sexual value at all, of course. But at least it would show that she's fighting for me somehow. For my wife, all carries on as normal, except for the small detail that we have no sexual contact at all.

That's because she doesn't care about you or your feelings, needs, or desires.

One possibility, sure. Among other possibilities, another is that she's overwhelmed at this point by something she never expected herself and is paralyzed in a "how-do-I-handle-this" confusion. Only a mind-reader can claim to know her reasons for certain.

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She did say she desired me and that we'd have sex after marriage.

So why don't you hold her to that? It really sounds like you're having trouble standing up for yourself and your own needs.

Relationships would be as straightforward as operating an unfeeling machine if they didn't involve people whom we love and whom we don't want to hurt even when they may be hurting us, wouldn't they? We could just coldly give our partners a good hard kick whenever they weren't functioning the way we believe they should, and not be concerned how it feels to them.

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"....She did say she desired me and that we'd have sex after marriage."

Relationships would be as straightforward as operating an unfeeling machine if they didn't involve people whom we love and whom we don't want to hurt even when they may be hurting us, wouldn't they? We could just coldly give our partners a good hard kick whenever they weren't functioning the way we believe they should, and not be concerned how it feels to them.

Right? And god forbid if a human grow, learn, or change during their life.

In all seriousness though, when my partner tells me we're gonna have sex later, I know with 100% certainty that we won't, I think because the pressure she feels about performing builds until she's crippled by it.

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She did say she desired me and that we'd have sex after marriage.

So why don't you hold her to that? It really sounds like you're having trouble standing up for yourself and your own needs.

How precisely do you hold someone to an agreement to have sex, without raping them, if they don't want to have sex ?

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wait on her hand and foot just to prove my nonsexual value I wish my wife would do something like that. She doesn't need to prove her non-sexual value at all, of course. But at least it would show that she's fighting for me somehow. For my wife, all carries on as normal, except for the small detail that we have no sexual contact at all.

That's because she doesn't care about you or your feelings, needs, or desires.

I personally don't think we can make these kinds of statements about someone we don't know and who hasn't spoken for herself on the site. It's a possibility, yes, but not a certainty by any means.

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wait on her hand and foot just to prove my nonsexual value I wish my wife would do something like that. She doesn't need to prove her non-sexual value at all, of course. But at least it would show that she's fighting for me somehow. For my wife, all carries on as normal, except for the small detail that we have no sexual contact at all.

That's because she doesn't care about you or your feelings, needs, or desires.

She did say she desired me and that we'd have sex after marriage.

So why don't you hold her to that? It really sounds like you're having trouble standing up for yourself and your own needs.

I can't talk my way through a 'cure' for my wife because she isn't ill. Asexuality is part of her identity. I'm very upset about this situation but I know there's no fix. She doesn't have sexual desire. She could 'pretend' but that doesn't change the fact that she doesn't desire me. That and the fact that she refuses to compromise makes this situation very, very hard.

I dont want my wife to do things that make her suffer, like having regular sex would. I'd like a compromise, but she's disgusted even by touching me intimately. I feel there's no solution to a problem that is making my life miserable and getting worse every day.

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My long time ace wife finds sex very distasteful and yet continues to provide regular sex. Even though, for her, sex with anyone is like a straight guy having sex with another guy. It's very hard to make that appealing in any way. So I settle unhappily for "tablescrap sex" and she unhappily provides. It's a sad, hard situation but it keeps us together and keeps us loving each other. Both of our sacrifices are acts of love.

The harder part for me is that my wife also lacks the ability for intimacy. She doesn't seem to be able to be intimate in sexual or any other sense of the word. My labido seems to be generally in check but the absence of what I know as intimacy drives my struggle.

As practicing Catholics, divorce was always pretty much off the table (though it would have been justifiable) even though I entertained the thought many times over the years. Learning about asexuality two years ago helped greatly. Life became a little less hard. What I also do that makes life a little bit less hard is offer up our suffering to God. It helps keep me going and puts value to our suffering. Our married life continues to be very difficult because of our situation and each week we have highs and very lows, but we have chosen to accept our lot and to make the best of it. If we accept our suffering and offer it up to God, He will do great good with it. Those of us who are not christians may have trouble understanding this.

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She did say she desired me and that we'd have sex after marriage.

So why don't you hold her to that? It really sounds like you're having trouble standing up for yourself and your own needs.

How precisely do you hold someone to an agreement to have sex, without raping them, if they don't want to have sex ?

The same way you hold someone to any other agreement, without force:

You remind them of the agreement. You explain how important it is to you. You keep bringing it up. You write them letters or emails and have regular conversations. You offer compromises and explain the consequences to them not keeping the agreement. You realize that people frequently stall or make excuses to get out of agreements, and you don't let that happen. Instead, you carefully notice and point out when they're stalling or making excuses.

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She did say she desired me and that we'd have sex after marriage.

So why don't you hold her to that? It really sounds like you're having trouble standing up for yourself and your own needs.

How precisely do you hold someone to an agreement to have sex, without raping them, if they don't want to have sex ?

The same way you hold someone to any other agreement, without force:

You remind them of the agreement. You explain how important it is to you. You keep bringing it up. You write them letters or emails and have regular conversations. You offer compromises and explain the consequences to them not keeping the agreement. You realize that people frequently stall or make excuses to get out of agreements, and you don't let that happen. Instead, you carefully notice and point out when they're stalling or making excuses.

Wow. That sounds like a lot of fun for two people to be involved in: one person constantly "chasing" the other with reminders about the contract; the other person finally trying to get away from the person chasing them. A great marriage consisting of constant emotional turmoil.

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You are forgetting that to sexuals, sex is sometimes a NEED for emotional well being

I absolutely agree. For me it isn't a "choice", it just something that I need in the same way that I need food. I can go without sex for a certain period of time, but that has all sorts of consequences for me. I need sex for my emotional well being.

I don't know you at all, but I've seen people in similar situations and counseled them.

I don't think you are taking care of your emotional well-being. Taking care of your emotional well-being is your most important duty.

I think you have trouble standing up for your needs and wishes, whether they're sexual or nonsexual. I think you have trouble asking for things or getting your fair share. I think you might typically end up in unbalanced relationships or friendships, where you're making most of the effort and not being treated fairly.

I could be totally wrong, but this is a pattern I've seen.

Question for you: if there were something as important to her as sex is to you, would you make an effort for her? If you didn't make any kind of effort for something important to her, how do you think she would react?

I don't know her at all. All I know is the little you've said, but from that, I don't think this is a problem about asexuality. The problem is not that she's an asexual, the problem is that she does not appear to care about you.

I would think most asexuals would decry the way she's acting! Most asexuals are not selfish people! She gives asexuals a bad name...

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She did say she desired me and that we'd have sex after marriage.

So why don't you hold her to that? It really sounds like you're having trouble standing up for yourself and your own needs.

How precisely do you hold someone to an agreement to have sex, without raping them, if they don't want to have sex ?

The same way you hold someone to any other agreement, without force:

You remind them of the agreement. You explain how important it is to you. You keep bringing it up. You write them letters or emails and have regular conversations. You offer compromises and explain the consequences to them not keeping the agreement. You realize that people frequently stall or make excuses to get out of agreements, and you don't let that happen. Instead, you carefully notice and point out when they're stalling or making excuses.

Wow. That sounds like a lot of fun for two people to be involved in: one person constantly "chasing" the other with reminders about the contract; the other person finally trying to get away from the person chasing them. A great marriage consisting of constant emotional turmoil.

You could say the same thing about his current situation. Lots of fun to have one of your most important needs ignored by your partner, who refuses to compromise. He says his life is miserable and his emotional well-being is suffering. Sounds like a great marriage that's a lot of fun.

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She did say she desired me and that we'd have sex after marriage.

So why don't you hold her to that? It really sounds like you're having trouble standing up for yourself and your own needs.

How precisely do you hold someone to an agreement to have sex, without raping them, if they don't want to have sex ?

The same way you hold someone to any other agreement, without force:

You remind them of the agreement. You explain how important it is to you. You keep bringing it up. You write them letters or emails and have regular conversations. You offer compromises and explain the consequences to them not keeping the agreement. You realize that people frequently stall or make excuses to get out of agreements, and you don't let that happen. Instead, you carefully notice and point out when they're stalling or making excuses.

Wow. That sounds like a lot of fun for two people to be involved in: one person constantly "chasing" the other with reminders about the contract; the other person finally trying to get away from the person chasing them. A great marriage consisting of constant emotional turmoil.

You could say the same thing about his current situation. Lots of fun to have one of your most important needs ignored by your partner, who refuses to compromise. He says his life is miserable and his emotional well-being is suffering. Sounds like a great marriage that's a lot of fun.

Since he says divorce is out of the question, then what remains is to stay together with as little damage as possible. If his wife does not intend to compromise (i.e., have sex), and he won't leave her, then the only possibility for him is to accept her as she is. Constantly harassing her about it will do absolutely no good.

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Since he says divorce is out of the question, then what remains is to stay together with as little damage as possible. If his wife does not intend to compromise (i.e., have sex), and he won't leave her, then the only possibility for him is to accept her as she is. Constantly harassing her about it will do absolutely no good.

I wasn't reading "compromise" as meaning "have sex." There are many other ways to compromise.

He wrote "We now sleep in separate rooms. We don't touch each other at all. No hugs, no kisses, no holding hands, nothing" and "she refuses to compromise, keeps blaming me for our lack of sex and completely ignores the pain that her lack of honesty is causing me. She never mentioned she didn't like sex. I wouldn't have married her otherwise. And she should never have made promises she wasn't planning to keep."

Other things that she could do to compromise would be to sleep together, hug, kiss, cuddle, and perhaps most importantly, apologize and empathize with him rather than blaming him and ignoring his pain.

Also, they are Christian. While I'm an atheist, I'm aware that the Bible is very clear that marriage is supposed to be protection from sexual immorality, and that marriage imposes duties on both people, including the duty to take care of your partner's sexuality, even if you're asexual or sex repulsed. So, since she's Christian, what she's doing is against her own deepest beliefs.

You write "if his wife does not intend to compromise" as though that's a fact. We don't know that. If he made it clear that it wasn't ok with him, and discussed it with her, and tried to hold her to her agreement and her beliefs, that might change.

I didn't say that he should "harass" her, but rather be pro-active about his own needs. If your partner isn't being fair to you or taking care of you, it is not a virtue to just ignore the problem for the sake of harmony.

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Also, they are Christian. While I'm an atheist, I'm aware that the Bible is very clear that marriage is supposed to be protection from sexual immorality, and that marriage imposes duties on both people, including the duty to take care of your partner's sexuality, even if you're asexual or sex repulsed. So, since she's Christian, what she's doing is against her own deepest beliefs.

Since you are an atheist and I am a Jew, I don't think either of us can make statements about what sexual duties Christians owe each other, if any. Especially since we're not hearing from the wife.

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We don't know her perspective, but it is safe to say that "Marriage partners have no sexual duties to each other and it is perfectly fine to deprive your partner" is not a stance supported by the Bible or most Christian denominations.

There are "Christians" who believe Jesus didn't rise from the dead, which is sort of like being an "asexual" who experiences sexual attraction or a married bachelor, but we can still make generalizations based on history, tradition, written statements of various denominations, and so forth.

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Interesting! Would you elaborate? What exactly do they think? Do you have a link or further writings or explanations?

If you look at statements from all the major denominations, as well as from secular or atheist therapists, one thing they have in common is the notion that marriage imposes duties on both people, and part of that is being willing to compromise and make sacrifices for your partner's benefit, including sexuality.

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Yes, Christains have a duty to physically provide for their spouse....as an act of love and unity...and for the prevention of spousal "straying."

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