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Christian sexual married to an asexual


MightBeLosingIt

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MightBeLosingIt

Hi everyone,

I'm excited I found this website and forum because I could really use some support. It's not easy to find other people who understand these sorts of things.

After 12 years of marriage, my husband finally admitted to me that he has no sexual feelings at all. His admission came after a decade of no sex and much begging and pleading on my part. First he told me it was his health (he has had many health problems, but all of his doctors told him there was no reason he couldn't have sex) and he just couldn't perform. That was after many years of believing the problem was me. Finally, he told me a few months ago that he is just not interested, and has never been all that interested in sex.

When we were dating, we had a lot of sex, but he had trouble keeping/getting an erection. On our wedding night, he didn't want to have sex, but I figured it was because he was so exhausted...but then we didn't have sex on our 10-day honeymoon, either. For about 2 years, the sex became less and less until it just stopped. I begged him to go to counseling, and he always said he would, but never did. Now we are in marriage counseling, and I am in individual counseling.

He is willing to pleasure me, but only one way, and it always feels like it's more of a chore for him than anything - like I need to be 'serviced' periodically.

We are both Christians, and that has played a big role in why I have not left him - that, and the fact that I DO love him. I love him dearly, actually. He is my best friend. It just breaks my heart that this is not a romantic thing for him. I feel that he was not honest with me before we got married. The thing is, I just don't know how to spend the rest of my life in a non-sexual marriage. I am 33 years old. I have finally accepted that we will never have children of our own. For a while, I held out hope, but I've accepted reality now. Sometimes the desire for sex is so unbearable I think about just leaving and not telling anyone where I've gone, or having an affair, but I am definitely not the type to have an affair. I just don't know how to do this.

I have never been skinny, but over the years my weight has ballooned. I lost a lot of weight at one point, thinking that would make my husband want me, but it did nothing. I now realize nothing I can do will make him want sex. So I've gotten increasingly depressed, I eat my feelings, and I feel like there's no use it getting "prettied up." I know he can't help this, but that doesn't stop me from feeling rejected when he reacts to my overtures the same way he reacts when I tell him to clean out the cat's litter box. I know the Bible says to pray without ceasing, but I feel like I'm at the end of that...

I don't want to leave. I love my husband. But I want a HUSBAND, not just a roommate or a buddy, and that's what I feel like we are. He is constantly - CONSTANTLY - saying he loves me and he thinks I'm pretty, but it seems like he says it all the time to make sure I'm not going to divorce him. He constantly apologizes for being sick, not wanting sex, etc. But he also does things to make sure he won't have to deal with my needs (that's another post entirely).

I'm just ripping my hair out and hoping there is somebody else out there like me, who has a clue what I'm going through.

Thanks for listening.

-J

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That sounds tough! :( I wish I could lend more advice than just some encouragement.

I hope that you'll be able to keep strong and do what you feel is right. Sexual/Asexual relationships are often difficult from what I've seen. You've been able to be strong for so long, don't give in now. ^_^

Also, a warm welcome to AVEN, hopefully someone will be able to be more helpful than me. :cake::cake::cake:

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Welcome. Often aces don't know about their own sexuality, so he may not have been dishonest with you at the start. We deny anything is wrong convince ourselves it is this or that. Mainly due to the fact society makes us believe EVERYONE must love sex and if you don't, something is broken and needs fixed. You both accepting it is just how he is is a good first step.

Now, the bad news is if he has trouble enjoying it and is ace that may not change. To me, sex is a chore I do for my partner. But, it may help if you both discuss your needs and reasonings in that department. If he doesn't really enjoy sex and is doing it for you, that is a sign of affection and love. It may not feel as good as a sexual partner desiring you, but it is usually done out of love. He is compromising it sounds, as best he can, though perhaps frequency and / or types could be talked about in more detail to see if the compromise can expand. Is he repulsed? Is it just boring? Etc.

Unfortunately in mixed relationships there are three options. Compromise. Poly/open. Break up. When the ace partner discovers themselves after the relationship is committed it is even more difficult for both parties.

As for your looks - asexuals can find people attractive. Asthetic and romantic attraction are different than sexual attraction. So when he says you are pretty he probably means it. :) Don't feel bad about yourself because your husband has no attraction to sex, he still has attraction to YOU.

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Ace-of-Blades

I agree with Liara, you need to talk to him about it. Find out what you both want from your relationship, and what you both need. Remember, want and need are two different things, and by doing this you'll both be able to get a better picture of whats going on in each of your heads.

I feel for you, I really do. I've read a few stories on here about women who are at their wits end! I think you've done a splendid job keeping it together this long. Many people would have left by now.

The only thing I can really suggest is keep the romance. Remember what it was like when you first fell in love with each other, and hold onto that. I'm talking non sexual intimacy. Cuddling while watching a good movie. A candle-light dinner at home. Maybe read a book together. The little things, you know? Remind each other of how much you love each other. I'm not saying this will lead to sex, but it will help. Love will find a way!

Good luck, dear. Keep your chin up!

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BazingaDragon

Hello,

Before I start, I should tell you that I'm only 24, so if this doesn't appeal to you, we'll chalk it up to the age difference. :)

It seems to me that strong romantic relationships are heavily reliant on spiritual attraction (what some people might just call a strong romantic friendship). Having said that, were I to end up in an Asexual/sexual relationship, I think I could fulfill my partner's needs, so long as I am spiritually attracted to my partner.

This is not to speculate on whether or not you and your husband are compatible, but rather to present my own perspective. I wish you and your husband the best of luck in finding a solution to this problem, and encourage you to hang in there, as overplayed as those sentiments are.

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I'm so happy you posted this. I am in a very similar situation, and would love to be there to talk about this with you.

My boyfriend and I are also Christians, btw. (not that it's vital information, but just some common ground) :)
We are both 25 years old, and have been together for 4 years.

He's the most caring, loyal, brilliant man with the best sense of humor. He's calms me when I over think things and get stressed out about nothing. He loves me through my crazy every single day. I couldn't function without him.

With all of that said, I have been wondering for the past four years of our relationship what is wrong with me. I've done everything I can think of to peak his sexual interest in me, and for four years he's been "tired". He does have sex with me every once in a while, maybe once a month at my request, or if he has been drinking. Intoxication is usually what gets the job done. Which obviously doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

Yesterday i realized that I had never just come out and told him how I feel. I've been waiting for years to say something, because I haven't wanted to feel like I'm pressuring him. Who wants to make love to somebody who's only doing it because YOU want to?

In our conversation, I told him how important sex was to me. (If you've read the book on "love languages" you'll understand why) I told him how I thought it was suppose to be something special, and it was how I showed him my love for him and also a way for him to show his love to me. He's the only sexual partner I've ever had. He revealed to me that he just wasn't very interested in sex. That he likes it, but he doesn't need it like I do. And because he couldn't relate to the way sex makes me feel (emotionally), He had NO idea how important it was to me.

The conversation didn't "fix" anything. But that was the moment that I realized, I think my boyfriend is probably asexual. Will I ever have a sexual relationship with him? no.. probably not. I'll always know that we either aren't having sex, and if we are he's just doing it because I want to. I'll never wear anything that turns him on, or be able to pleasure him the way that wives desire to please their husbands. But finally just having an answer as to why gives me so much more peace.

I know this forum mainly for asexuals, but I'm glad I stumbled on it so that I could find somebody to relate to.

I would love to talk to you more about our situations, but one thing that I would really love to encourage you with right now are these things

1. I dont think that because your husband isn't sexual, you should lose hope in looking good for him. He can't relate sexually to your feelings, but that doesn't mean that you should lose hope and eat your feelings, or not try. I know that my boyfriend still takes pride in having a girlfriend that dresses up now and then. He likes to show me off, and he adores me in other ways. The way you present yourself isn't only for sexual satisfaction. You should take good care of yourself because your husband is a man with feelings, and I'm sure he loves seeing you make an effort for him in his heart, which is sometimes so much better than loving how you look in his pants. ;)

2. I'd also like to encourage you about children. My boyfriend and I have a beautiful, perfect 6 month old baby girl. I laughed when I found out, though she was unplanned, because out of all the people to conceive? us ? who have sex once every month or two? what are the odds? It is possible, though. I've been reading up on asexuality, and just because he's not interested, doesn't mean that he won't sleep with you. I believe that if you're both trying for children, the sex will be about something bigger and not just that brief pleasure. don't lose hope in that. be totally open and honest with your husband. How can somebody who has never experienced feelings that you're experiencing relate and understand? He can't unless you explain to him to the best of your ability.

Sex isn't everything. Everything else in your marriage is worth so much more than the sexual side of things. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand where you're coming from. I feel the same way from time to time. I'm sure I'll feel that way again, too. maybe I'm jsut feeling a little bit better about it since I've come across this website and can say without a doubt, It's not my fault. My boyfriend loves me with everything he has. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not unattractive, or undeserving. this isn't "what i get". It is what it is. I'm lucky to have such a patient man, who loves me unconditionally, and happens to be the worlds best father to our daughter. That's what I'm holding on to right now.

so sorry this post got to novel length. eep!

I just really wanted to encourage you. I have yet to find a website or support group for spouses of asexuals. (though it may be out there, I haven't done much looking).

talk to me anytime. I'm so happy to have stumbled upon your post.

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heyzeussantiago

MightBeLosingIt, and Moons&Junes,

I am also new here and thank you both for posting. Your posts have almost made me sick as they have very much struck a chord with me. Sadly, I think my girlfriend would write something very similar to the two of you. I would love to hear your input and perhaps explaining what you know about your partners might help me come to terms with myself.

First of all I am a 30 year old man, and I have never had sex. I have a brilliant girlfriend of 10 years (stunning as well!) but I have never been able to have sex. Previous girlfriends I didnt have sex either. Outwith this issue I am a very confident guy, sociable, and not in any way nervous, stressed, or anxious. But this has always been the one thing missing in my life.

My girlfriend is very attractive and I love her to bits. But I have never been able to have sex as much as I want to. The thing is I really struggle to really grasp if I want to because I want to make her happy and "be normal", or if it is a drive I have but I am just unable to perform.

My confusion arises from the fact that while I feel attractive to females it is very much in the context of fantasy. I masterbate regularly using fantasy but if an opportunity arose for the real thing it is near 100% that I would get no reaction. I very much feel broken. But this is something that has lasted my whole adult life. I certainly am not asexual in the sense that I have no recogisable drive, but it a drive that seems so distant from the real world and having real sex. While I could fantasise all day about women, if presented with the chance to have sex, I have never taken it - both because I cannot seem to perform, and I am not sure if I actually have any interest in it. Does that make sense?

I feel so sad because my girlfriend is wonderful but in the past when we used to fumble around (and Im talking years ago) I could never really get into it. I dont know why - be it nerves, fear, or anything else, but I just really struggled to give myself sexually. And yet, like any normal hot blooded male I regularly have sexual thoughts and fantasies - I just cannot relate these to real life.

I am not sure if these feeling are shared by your partners or not but I just thought I would give some input from my own experience. I am actually in the process of getting some erectile disfunction pills to see if those can kickstart my "real life" sex drive. I am praying it will as I would be devestated to lose my girlfriend, and yet she deserves so much more than a man who cannot have sex.

Moons&Junes, can I ask (if you dont mind) how your partner is able to perform? If he needs to get drunk is it perhaps an anxiety thing? Or does he just concede that while he has some level of sex drive, it is just so small as that once a month is fine? Does he masterbate or fantasise about other women (just in case you have asked)? I find it very hard to reconcile that in my head - when it comes to fantasy and generally checking out women - I am "normal" but when it comes to the actual sex I am just disinterested.

Thank you both again for posting as I am really struggling to articulate my own feelings and this helps a lot. Please ask away if you have any questions I can help with

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The Great WTF

I'm moving this to SPFA and leaving a shadow link in Rels so that it can get a wide range of responses from both sides of the sexuality spectrum.

The Great WTF

Asexual Relationships Moderator

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Hi mightbelosingit,

I'm sexualwife....I can relate totally to what you wrote. I feel like I have a roommate and not a spouse as well. I posted my story also on this site, so I won't bother retyping it all as you can find it on your own. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for 5. Like so many others, I always thought it would get better, but after finding this site several months ago and doing other research, I've come to realize that I have a decision to make, as things most likely will never change. He's perfectly happy with our arrangement, whereas I'm not. We are in counseling. I'm waiting to see what that will uncover if anything to where we can salvage our relationship. I've just come to the conclusion that my husband is never going to want or need the type of sexual relationship I want and need from my spouse. I know exactly what you are going through. It is not your weight. Stop blaming yourself. It is not you. Take care.

Please no attacks or quoting every little thing I say and picking it apart. I didn't mean any of this to be negative. I'm just trying to support another sexual who is in the same situation as I am. Thank you.

-sexualwife

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Just a friendly reminder to newcomers that you can't determine whether someone is asexual by observing their external behavior according to AVEN's definition of 'asexuality'. The only method is to ask them directly whether they experience sexual attraction.

I am strongly sexual (according to AVEN) but also have low libido and some erectile dysfunction, so I don't have much sex (and I'm fine with that, although my partners usually aren't :) ).

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Well... no, you can't determine if someone is asexual by reading a few paragraphs, but it sounds to me like he's asexual. Anyway, it's hard for some asexual people to understand how important sex is to most people. I have no (almost no) sexual feelings either, myself, so I'm glad I didn't get married. I read stuff here at Aven, and see how complicated that can get. I hear sexual people go on about their "needs" and I really can't identify with that. I hear them go on (and on and on and on!) about "needs" and I'm like, "what?" And they think I'm weird for being happy that I'm single... so I can't understand them and they can't understand me. What it comes down to is that people are all different. Some people need sex, and some people don't.

A lot of marriages are mis-matched like this, and I don't think it's just with sexual & asexual people, either. I see people married like 20 years & got two and a half kids (hey, a statistical average, whatever!) and the husband comes out and says he's gay and moves in with a boyfriend, everyone is like surprised. You've got sober people with alcoholics, you've got quiet, mild-mannered good natured people stuck with big-mouth wild outburst anger management problem types... I see a lot of people in relationships that are just not working, but they stick with it for finances, for the kids, can't afford a divorce lawyer, don't want to be on their own, whatever... America is filled with people living in homes in the suburbs and they have separate rooms and they think they're the "only ones" in America who have separate rooms. I've seen very few genuinely happy marriages in my life, and if you've got a good marriage you're damn lucky. If you love each other and otherwise get along good, then you're probably not doing too bad. Sorry that it's frustrating to you, but that's the best advice I can give. You might find someone else who's great in bed but is a jerk to you. Or you might luck out and find "Mr. Perfect," who a great guy and good in bed too, but Mr. Perfect is pretty hard to to find. I know you don't want to cheat on your husband, and I'm against infidelity myself, so... I don't know what to tell you that will make you happy, other than you're not alone and plenty of people are mis-matched in this world. So... good luck. I hope you find happiness in your marriage in some way, without sex, because it sounds like you both love each other & otherwise get along.

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Hi everyone,

I'm excited I found this website and forum because I could really use some support. It's not easy to find other people who understand these sorts of things.

After 12 years of marriage, my husband finally admitted to me that he has no sexual feelings at all. His admission came after a decade of no sex and much begging and pleading on my part. First he told me it was his health (he has had many health problems, but all of his doctors told him there was no reason he couldn't have sex) and he just couldn't perform. That was after many years of believing the problem was me. Finally, he told me a few months ago that he is just not interested, and has never been all that interested in sex.

When we were dating, we had a lot of sex, but he had trouble keeping/getting an erection. On our wedding night, he didn't want to have sex, but I figured it was because he was so exhausted...but then we didn't have sex on our 10-day honeymoon, either. For about 2 years, the sex became less and less until it just stopped. I begged him to go to counseling, and he always said he would, but never did. Now we are in marriage counseling, and I am in individual counseling.

He is willing to pleasure me, but only one way, and it always feels like it's more of a chore for him than anything - like I need to be 'serviced' periodically.

We are both Christians, and that has played a big role in why I have not left him - that, and the fact that I DO love him. I love him dearly, actually. He is my best friend. It just breaks my heart that this is not a romantic thing for him. I feel that he was not honest with me before we got married. The thing is, I just don't know how to spend the rest of my life in a non-sexual marriage. I am 33 years old. I have finally accepted that we will never have children of our own. For a while, I held out hope, but I've accepted reality now. Sometimes the desire for sex is so unbearable I think about just leaving and not telling anyone where I've gone, or having an affair, but I am definitely not the type to have an affair. I just don't know how to do this.

I have never been skinny, but over the years my weight has ballooned. I lost a lot of weight at one point, thinking that would make my husband want me, but it did nothing. I now realize nothing I can do will make him want sex. So I've gotten increasingly depressed, I eat my feelings, and I feel like there's no use it getting "prettied up." I know he can't help this, but that doesn't stop me from feeling rejected when he reacts to my overtures the same way he reacts when I tell him to clean out the cat's litter box. I know the Bible says to pray without ceasing, but I feel like I'm at the end of that...

I don't want to leave. I love my husband. But I want a HUSBAND, not just a roommate or a buddy, and that's what I feel like we are. He is constantly - CONSTANTLY - saying he loves me and he thinks I'm pretty, but it seems like he says it all the time to make sure I'm not going to divorce him. He constantly apologizes for being sick, not wanting sex, etc. But he also does things to make sure he won't have to deal with my needs (that's another post entirely).

I'm just ripping my hair out and hoping there is somebody else out there like me, who has a clue what I'm going through.

Thanks for listening.

-J

Wow, This sounds very much like my story. I see there are others on this thread that have similar stories.

I just joined the network and it was because of these stories. I knew I wasn't alone in this, but have done the therapist route without any real success. The therapist did validate my feelings, which helped a lot, but doesn't do much for my anguish and frustrations.

I also understand your statement, "He is willing to pleasure me, but only one way, and it always feels like it's more of a chore for him than anything - like I need to be 'serviced' periodically" and I couldn't have said it better myself.

Like you, I don't want to "cheat" and I love my wife, but it's has always been difficult to keep the difference in our sexual drive in perspective.

I'm really thankful to have found this site. I think it will really help.

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  • 1 month later...

If you don't feel sexual attraction, you just don't feel it. There is nothing, so far, you can do. He can in your case be more empathetic about how you feel but that's just about it. It is impossible to fake sexual attraction. I can not feel it with anyone I have liked, loved and desired to be with no matter how much, to be more normal in certain situations, I have wanted to.

What he can do, if he is comfortable with it, is to have sex with you because of you. In my case I am just indifferent to sex not repulsed so I cn have it but only as an incendental part not the main way to show love. I see and feel love completely removed from sexual desire. Yes, I have a high libido in my case but it is not tied to either sexual attraction for someone real or imagined or even just plain sexual fantasy. It is non sexual with me. I desire sex just to be with someone that happens to need it. I'm far more likely to use the 5 love languages romantically.

If it helps, I'm Christian and find it hard to relate to Song of Songs personally.

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I noticed the phrase "not a romantic thing for him"- It most likely IS a romantic thing for him, just not a sexual thing. There is a difference. Many asexuals are capable of love, they just have no desire for genitals.

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has left the building

For all the women who wrote about the asexual husband, I'm writing from the other side. I'm him! My wife and I are married for over 20 years and my story is posted here in bits and pieces so feel free to dig a little (I really should just write it and copy & paste).

We were not sexual before marriage but she also thought that would change. She also put on weight over time and blamed my lack of interest on that (I also blamed her weight at times until I discovered that I am asexual).

It's a long story with lots of details but there are a couple of bottom lines that might be helpful:

We are great friends! We love, support and nurture each other in every way (aside from sexually). We have one child and we are committed to raising her in a loving home and we're doing just that.

While my personal belief is that sexuality is fluid, I can say with a degree of certainty that I can live the rest of my life never having sex again. There are many different ways of making love besides genital on genital contact.

My beloved and I have found a way to make our marriage work sans sex but that did come with a lot of heartache, confusion and embarrassment.

So if sex is super high on your list of priorities, don't marry an asexual. Do not make life changes on yourself hoping it will spark his interest in you sexually. If you want to lose weight, dye your hair, get a facelift, etc...do it for YOU and only you.

I'm happy to share if anyone thinks it would be helpful but I'll do it through private messages so feel free if you like.

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  • 2 months later...

I am so glad that I found this forum. My husband and I have been together for six years. We dated for two years and due to being Christians we abstained until we were married. However, once we were married we did not consummate our marriage on our honeymoon night, which did seem a little odd, but I initially chalked it up to the fact that he was just tired from a long day. After being married for four years and seeing about five therapists (consequently, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor...kind of ironic, but of all the things I have seen and heard...NEVER this) nothing has changed. We have had intercourse approximately five times in four years and that was all primarily in the first year of marriage, despite my begging and pleading with him.

Now, I'm in a position and an age to where I'm not sure if I should stay or go...it's all very confusing for me. We aren't in love and we never touch. We sleep in separate beds and like one person had mentioned about their spouse, mine is completely content with this arrangement. I just don't think I can live my life without any type of intimacy. I've grown so impatient due to my age and fear that I may never feel passion or have sex again that we're now talking about divorce. We used to be best friends, but all of this has put such a strain on our "marriage" that we're pretty much ready to just call it quits. I never thought this would be me...I think someone could have told me that absolutely ANYTHING else would happen during our "marriage" and that we would encounter pretty much any other trial with exception to this.

One lady posted my exact life story and I can't find it now...She's a Christian woman who had been previously married, but her first husband cheated and they divorced. She met her second husband who she deemed to be completely sold out to Christ and thus practicing such restraint only to later learn that he was asexual.

I guess my question is, do asexual men occasional become aroused or not? I have tried lingerie, advancing him, taking intercourse completely off of the table altogether to attempt to alleviate what I believed to be anxiety and non of it worked. Sadly, I even thought at some point that perhaps it was because he had only had sex twice in his life and that it was a bad experience, but he doesn't desire to masturbate or anything. Until I Googled this I honestly had never considered this as a possibility. Sadly, I just want out of the relationship and am towing the line about having an affair. I know it's wrong which is why I haven't followed through with it...but I'm so desperate.

I would appreciate ANY feedback that may be helpful especially if you're a Christian who has experienced this.

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I'm beginning to think that it's a big mistake to not (attempt to) have a sexual relationship before marriage. I know that some religious people feel that it's immoral to do so, but once you get married, there are so many reasons to try to ignore problems (he's nervous, she's busy, he's never had sex, she doesn't feel self-confident etc.etc.) because you've committed to marriage and you don't want to give up.

As far as asexuals not knowing that they're asexual, I didn't -- just thought I was weird or inept and that eventually I'd get it and kept trying to get it. Finally, after finding AVEN, I understood what was going on and told my partner. He was very upset -- and thought I'd lied to him and tricked him. We're now finally friends but it was very difficult for several years.

Do everything you can to investigate how you both feel before marriage.

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Kitty Spoon Train

Do everything you can to investigate how you both feel before marriage.

This.

I would go as far as to say that not investigating things like sexual compatibility and domestic partnership compatibility (living together for a year or so say) is actually somewhat irresponsible.

And yes, I know both sex before marriage and "living in sin" fly straight in the face of most traditional and religious thinking. But feh, that's mild compared to some of my other thinking about relationships. :P

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I guess my question is, do asexual men occasional become aroused or not? I have tried lingerie, advancing him, taking intercourse completely off of the table altogether to attempt to alleviate what I believed to be anxiety and non of it worked. Sadly, I even thought at some point that perhaps it was because he had only had sex twice in his life and that it was a bad experience, but he doesn't desire to masturbate or anything. Until I Googled this I honestly had never considered this as a possibility. Sadly, I just want out of the relationship and am towing the line about having an affair. I know it's wrong which is why I haven't followed through with it...but I'm so desperate.

I would appreciate ANY feedback that may be helpful especially if you're a Christian who has experienced this.

My husband identifies as heteroromantic and asexual. As for arousal and asexuality...they are not synonymous. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and consequentially that often means a lack of desire for sexual interaction. This is not to say that asexuals can't or won't have sex though. I think the best thing you could do is talk to him and find out what options he is willing to consider.

There seem to be three basic courses of action...break up, open marriage, or compromise of some other sort. I know all this is hard, and I'm sorry it's been like this for you, but you will probably need to make a choice that your conscience can also live with.

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Oakn_wi11ow

CM...

"I guess my question is, do asexual men occasional become aroused or not? I have tried lingerie, advancing him, taking intercourse completely off of the table altogether to attempt to alleviate what I believed to be anxiety and non of it worked."

Can we occasionally become aroused or not - the answer from what little I understand, as an asexual man is, it varies between men and even within a lifetime of a single man. In a perfect world, without recent relationship baggage, I know my arousal is very different than the average standard sexual male - gay or straight. I see stars, can't think, everything else... at beauty, compassion, touch, even sharing a nice sunset, but physically, only once in my entire 58 years of life was I able to produce "fireworks." Would I risk my life to have saved my significant other if they were in danger? In less than a heart beat. Did I feel incomplete without them in my life? As much if not more than losing a leg, arm, sight or hearing... A story...

I've a know at least two hetero couples where one of the spouses is paralyzed from the waist or neck down. One of the couples have been married for over 30 years and the fully functional male swears he's never had a desire for anyone 'cept the mother of their children. From rumor, I've heard he and she have some sort of sexual relationship. (honestly I might be a pervert, but I am curious...) I think having baggage of blame and guilt adds to an already challenging situation. So understand I credit no guilt or blame to either one of you.

Sex, (realize I may have an "alternative" perspective), has to do with sharing physical pleasure, for me, it comes from everything else, but, joint physical pleasure. Even then, for me, the physical pleasure, the ecstatic I'm going to die, can't think, happened more often from a touch and caress when I allow myself to be in that vulnerable sensitive state, than inserting B, into A, etc... Getting personal, much more than that 'burned my circuits out and I couldn't feel anything at all.' (quoting exactly what I told my SO.)

Again... it varies between individuals... I 10,000% believe with my whole heart, 'disabilities are always compensated and can be found to be no disability at all if only you are given or find the right unexpected imaginative key. I hope the right key fall into your hands, the right door at the right time opens...

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  • 3 weeks later...
Dutchboy66

Wow,

Its like i hear myself talking.

Im a sexual man merried to a asexual women, live in holland and am Christian.

I need sex so mutch, even as hugs and kisses, but i dont get.

I love my wife. I dont want to leave her, but i want some romantic things.

I dont want to live as sister and brother.

love you all

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If you want children, why not adopt ? There are so many children out there who need loving parents like you.

As for asexuality, many people feel it was indirectly mentioned in the Bibile when Jesus said "some men are born eunuchs out of their mother's wombs"

Others feel Paul was asexual. There are threads to both here.

As long as you both love each other, does sex really have to be a deciding factor in your marraige?

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  • 2 months later...

I was never a big Christian but if you really love and want to stay with your husband there are alternatives. If he is ggg enough than he could use a strap-on or other sex toys. It may not be arousing to be the one always asking but you cannot make him sexual. If you need to feel sexually wanted than you could try polyamory/swinging if your beliefs don't contradict that and you are both fine with the idea.

In the end it it all up to you and what you value more. I don't think anyone should stay in a relationship that is making them emotionally miserable but then again you could also end up alone alone and emotionally miserable. And just because you separate that doesn't mean you have to stop being friends. it just means the relationship failed because he was not able to fulfill all your needs in a husband

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I guess my question is, do asexual men occasional become aroused or not? I have tried lingerie, advancing him, taking intercourse completely off of the table altogether to attempt to alleviate what I believed to be anxiety and non of it worked. Sadly, I even thought at some point that perhaps it was because he had only had sex twice in his life and that it was a bad experience, but he doesn't desire to masturbate or anything. Until I Googled this I honestly had never considered this as a possibility. Sadly, I just want out of the relationship and am towing the line about having an affair. I know it's wrong which is why I haven't followed through with it...but I'm so desperate.

I would appreciate ANY feedback that may be helpful especially if you're a Christian who has experienced this.

My husband identifies as heteroromantic and asexual. As for arousal and asexuality...they are not synonymous. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction and consequentially that often means a lack of desire for sexual interaction. This is not to say that asexuals can't or won't have sex though. I think the best thing you could do is talk to him and find out what options he is willing to consider.

There seem to be three basic courses of action...break up, open marriage, or compromise of some other sort. I know all this is hard, and I'm sorry it's been like this for you, but you will probably need to make a choice that your conscience can also live with.

As Lady explained, Asexual does not necessarily equal non-arousable. My Asexual wife of (33 years married) can become aroused and orgasm with a partner (ironically, with so many Sexual women who have difficulty achieving orgasm) , but simply has no need nor urge to do so nor have sex at all.

Depending on your flavor of Christianity, open marriage might not be an option for you, of course, and neither might divorce-and-remarriage. You do have our empathy...HUGS!

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Reading this hits real close to home. It makes me want to cry. I am a sexual husband to an asexual wife, and I am also a Christian. I want to say I've written off the idea of leaving or cheating, but these ideas are starting to grow on me. It's even harder because *she* has started to abandon her Christian faith, and I feel like it might give me an "out".

But then there's our daughter... I can't do to my child what my wife's father (and stepfather) did to her.

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  • 4 months later...

Um you are Christian ? Why were you having sex before you got married ? None of my business what you do but when you claim to be a Christian yet do that ? I'm sorry but hello !!!!

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MightBeLosingIt

Kat,

Seriously? The only thing you took away from my post was that I sinned 15 years ago? Thanks for judging me and offering me no help whatsoever. Clearly, you are MUCH holier than I am. Good for you.

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Dear Losing It, I am fairly new here. I just noticed this started in Dec 2012 and it is now 2013. How are you? Same situation or any changes? Sorry I am new enough that maybe I should know, but I don't.

I am much like you: sexual married long term to an ace. We do have children but those have been just about our only sexual encounters since the wedding. Premarital sex for me was a given, I was fine with it. It was also completely misleading, as I now approach my anniversary of 4 years of unwanted celibacy preceded by an additional 3 years. Just 1 sexual act to conceive a child during those 7 years. But he was willing before the vows ...:(

Anyway enough about me. You OK?

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I'm so grateful you shared your experience. I could have written that post myself (not as well, though), except that I'm a sexual man married to an asexual. We're both Christian.

My idea of Christian marriage isn't what reality turned out to be. We now sleep in separate rooms. We don't touch each other at all. No hugs, no kisses, no holding hands, nothing. A cold bed and a unbearable hunger for being desired isn't what Corinthians talked about. But my wife simply ignores that part of the Bible.

I don't know what to do either. My wife told me that she doesn't have any sexual desire. She seems repulsed by sex. This includes any intimate touching. In our wedding ceremony I didn't promise her that I'll be a celibate husband. She promised before God that she'll be a Christian wife, which implies sex unless otherwise agreed. She lied.

I wish I could tell you what to do, or give you advice. There are only two clear things for me about my relationship: what my wife is doing is wrong and she'll have to answer to God for this someday. Not because she's asexual - but because she refuses to compromise, keeps blaming me for our lack of sex and completely ignores the pain that her lack of honesty is causing me. She never mentioned she didn't like sex. I wouldn't have married her otherwise. And she should never have made promises she wasn't planning to keep.

The second thing clear to me is that I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a monk - I know this doesn't sound very Christian but I feel like I'm losing my mind lately.

Please keep writing about your experience.

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I'm so grateful you shared your experience. I could have written that post myself (not as well, though), except that I'm a sexual man married to an asexual. We're both Christian.

My idea of Christian marriage isn't what reality turned out to be. We now sleep in separate rooms. We don't touch each other at all. No hugs, no kisses, no holding hands, nothing. A cold bed and a unbearable hunger for being desired isn't what Corinthians talked about. But my wife simply ignores that part of the Bible.

I don't know what to do either. My wife told me that she doesn't have any sexual desire. She seems repulsed by sex. This includes any intimate touching. In our wedding ceremony I didn't promise her that I'll be a celibate husband. She promised before God that she'll be a Christian wife, which implies sex unless otherwise agreed. She lied.

I wish I could tell you what to do, or give you advice. There are only two clear things for me about my relationship: what my wife is doing is wrong and she'll have to answer to God for this someday. Not because she's asexual - but because she refuses to compromise, keeps blaming me for our lack of sex and completely ignores the pain that her lack of honesty is causing me. She never mentioned she didn't like sex. I wouldn't have married her otherwise. And she should never have made promises she wasn't planning to keep.

The second thing clear to me is that I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a monk - I know this doesn't sound very Christian but I feel like I'm losing my mind lately.

Please keep writing about your experience.

Did your wife know she didn't like sex before she got married? Or did she discover that after the fact? She shouldn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to, hurting oneself to do that is not healthy and there is no obligation on anyone to provide it. But, if she knew before you two got married that she wouldn't be able to have sex, she should have told you. Hurting yourself by abstaining isn't healthy either and should have been an informed choice (IF she knew, many asexuals don't even realize until they get into a relationship that is sexual). It's a difficult situation, either way. Have you two tried counseling to try to come to a mutual understanding of each others feelings, without blame being thrown (by her to you, or you to her) ? A safe space to talk may be beneficial. Does your religion offer annulments under such situations, if she refuses to have sex and you need it?

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