Sexual Compromise & Support

[Olallieberry]

5 hours ago, Milky Wanderer said:

After reading a bit of this thread I see that many people are desperate and say that there are no compromises

Everybody's different, and that goes for asexuals as much as for anyone.

 

The only thing which matters is what your partner says. If she's OK to compromise, nobody on AVEN is telling her she's wrong.

 

And that goes for you, too: If the compromises are OK with you, nobody on AVEN is telling you you're wrong.

 

However, if over time you find yourself feeling like the compromises aren't actually OK with you, that's fine too. There are different ones to try. Or there could be a break-up, if you try them all and none of them satisfy both of you.

 

Everybody talks from the place they're at. If you've seen a lot of people here say there are no compromises, that doesn't mean you have to stop trying. It just means they tried everything, and, for them, it didn't pay off.

 

There are also many experiences represented here where a mis-matched couple gets along fine with certain compromises. Is it a majority? Probably not, but it's hard to say. Is it the same compromises for every such couple? Of course not.

 

Everybody's different.

[Allo-Husband]

Well after talking to my therapist I realized a large part of why I felt so constrained was the lack of control. I felt like it was perfectly appropriate for me tell her 'I love you no matter what and will respect whatever boundaries you have', but because I love my wife and I have this hero complex, I didn't want to hurt her by telling her the truth. The sex we are having isn't ticking all my boxes and I don't think it ever will. There will always be some part of me that wants something more, and if monogamy is a requirement in our relationship then I will always lack control here.

 

My hope was she would say 'I love you no matter what, and I hope you feel like you can talk to me' and 'here is how I feel about that', but she immediately spiraled into thoughts about 'I'm not good enough' and 'you're going to find some allo-sexual lady, build a new family and leave me' so I think it was a big shock and this thing I've been thinking about for a long while is something I need to give her the space to process for a while too.

 

I don't think monogamy is off the table, but I want to own the gap between my hopes/dreams/desires and my current relationship, I don't want to put it on her, but apparently we still have a lot to talk about.

 

 

 

 

[Olallieberry]

3 hours ago, Allo-Husband said:

Well after talking to my therapist I realized a large part of why I felt so constrained was the lack of control. I felt like it was perfectly appropriate for me tell her 'I love you no matter what and will respect whatever boundaries you have', but because I love my wife and I have this hero complex, I didn't want to hurt her by telling her the truth. The sex we are having isn't ticking all my boxes and I don't think it ever will. There will always be some part of me that wants something more, and if monogamy is a requirement in our relationship then I will always lack control here.

 

My hope was she would say 'I love you no matter what, and I hope you feel like you can talk to me' and 'here is how I feel about that', but she immediately spiraled into thoughts about 'I'm not good enough' and 'you're going to find some allo-sexual lady, build a new family and leave me' so I think it was a big shock and this thing I've been thinking about for a long while is something I need to give her the space to process for a while too.

 

I don't think monogamy is off the table, but I want to own the gap between my hopes/dreams/desires and my current relationship, I don't want to put it on her, but apparently we still have a lot to talk about.

 

 

 

 

Did you tell her about the feeling of lack of control?

 

Maybe that’s something the two of you have in common.

 

If “monogamy is not off the table,” do you have any idea what might help you feel like you have more agency within the constraint of monogamy?

 

And yeah, it might take a WHILE for her to reconsider nonmonogamy. My wife spent more than a year becoming OK with it and becoming OK with the particular details of it which I wanted. But she did - it was a long process and I didn’t pester her with persuasion, I let her work it out in her own time.

 

I wouldn’t have done that forever, but “in her own time” turned out to be a time frame I managed to get through.

 

She found ways to mitigate her own feelings of lack of control.

 

The motivation came from wanting to not break up, though I never used breaking-up as a lever to push her in this direction. She just knew what the stakes were.

[aEuropeanDream]

Skimming through the thread, I am really glad that me and my partner worked things out - and that she is sex-indifferent - not averse.

It took a long time to understand for me, as we otherwise had a normal relationship, except for sexuality. 

For years, I was convinced that she simply had a much lower drive than me, but neither did she refuse my advances, so it didn't occur to me that she may be asexual.

 

Well, she is, and things fell into place when we finally figured it out. Now I don't spend extra time and effort trying to elicit a reaction from her that she simply does not have.

I guess I am lucky that she is not actively opposed to it, rather seeing it as a sort of "relationship chore", in the same category as "do the laundry" or "do the dishes" - or that's how she described it. I am free to initiate for our compromise(which I do about weekly), and focus on myself during it - I understand in the widest sense she lets me use her, but it still fulfills my need for physical intimacy, and she is okay with that.

 

Basically, we transitioned from a regular relationship in which we struggled with mismatched sexuality into a form of free-use one where the lack of expectations and pretending made things much simpler for us.

[Allo-Husband]

On 5/26/2025 at 4:03 AM, aEuropeanDream said:

Basically, we transitioned from a regular relationship in which we struggled with mismatched sexuality into a form of free-use one where the lack of expectations and pretending made things much simpler for us.

Yes this is my relationship as well, physically fine, but emotionally hard to wrap your head around some days and not very exciting.

 

[aEuropeanDream]

13 hours ago, Allo-Husband said:

Yes this is my relationship as well, physically fine, but emotionally hard to wrap your head around some days and not very exciting.

 

Interesting how perceptions can be different on these things. We have always been talking a lot, spending time together, which provides a solid emotional basis for me. As in, I know that on an emotional level, there is nothing that would cause me pause. We are in love. I think that helps to "wrap my head around" how things are when we are intimate.

I believe I understand where you are coming from, but the kind of 'nonresponsiveness/one-sided-ness' in regards to the intimacy, I see it as something where she does this for me, something she does out of love, the act itself being a kind of commitment that helps me accept it for what it is emotionally.
As for the 'not very exciting' - I could see how it could be bland. But admittedly, it does play into my personal tastes. It may be that after years of trying to 'do things right' and focusing on her and thinking I am somehow failing at satisfying her, it is liberating to give in to this power fantasy, to only focus on myself during intimacy and have what I want, when I want. I have been testing some boundaries over the past months, which is exciting as well.

I think the main part is that we both want to make this work. In terms of sexuality, she understands that I have needs and aims to help me resolve those within our relationship to the best of her ability regardless of her personal preferences. But in other parts of the relationship/living together, I had to learn, to adapt, and found compromises in her favor. I think it's a setting where we both aim to go above and beyond to make sure our partner is happy.

 

That said, I had sufficient dose of 'exciting' back when I was studying, with chaos and drama and fights. I'll take calm and steady any day nowadays, over stormy and exciting. Maybe that makes me bland, too - but if it works...

[ELLA-2]

On 12/9/2012 at 10:25 AM, Einy said:

I still haven’t found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesn’t desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. We’ve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isn’t the lack of sex but that he just doesn’t want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing it’s just an act and it’s not what he wants and does only because of me. It’s rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising won’t help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

Is a very old post but I wonder if you found a way to come in terms with it. I can relate 100% with what you say and trying to figure it out. 

[allogoober]

Hi, first time poster and I think this might be a bit TMI?

I’ve been with my partner for 4.5 months and it’s absolutely wonderful and i love them, we recently had a talk about their sexual attraction(they briefly mentioned they were asexual but not aromantic when we started dating) and I have a bit of a pit in my stomach after the convo.

 

I was curious about their thoughts of sexual attraction because we do make out and cuddle constantly and I know for certain they enjoy it and I’ve noticed they’ve gotten physically aroused. So I asked and they told me that they’ve never had sex but are a bit curious but not at the same time. They mentioned that they feel gross imagining doing that to me and that they wouldn’t feel the same about themself afterwards, I’m worried this might be about guilt/shame/low self esteem but I don’t want to invalidate their asexuality and I am struggling with how to bring it up.

 

I would never want to push them or make them think that they need to do something they don’t want but I do want open communication(something that doesn’t come very easily to me because of past relationships).

I don’t know if this is relevant or not but they reassured me that they have no judgement or bad feelings about my sexual past.

 

So if it’s alright I’d like to ask for insights from other asexual people?

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, allogoober said:

They mentioned that they feel gross imagining doing that to me and that they wouldn’t feel the same about themself afterwards, I’m worried this might be about guilt/shame/low self esteem

Yes, that would be invalidating. Why shouldn’t you simply believe them when they say they’re asexual and just don’t want to do it?

 

Is it because you’re looking for ways to get what you want, sexually, and hope you can convince them to go along with that?

 

I don’t know whether that’s what’s behind this or not. But, you should be prepared to basically never expect or hope that this partner might agree to go any further, sexually, than you already have together.

 

Yes, communication is valuable. You should use it to figure out what page everyone is on, not to try to persuade anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. It is also okay to communicate about what the stakes of a potentially sexless relationship are for you, but not to use it as a manipulation. Just for example - if someone says they can’t be in a relationship with someone who won’t have sex with them, they need to be ready to back that up by not being in the relationship. Not by trying to get the other person to do it.
 

And the other person also should be expressing what the stakes are for them: Can they be in a relationship with someone who is going to be unhappy without sex? Or the right kind of sex or frequent enough sex or whatever it is about the mismatch which makes either person unhappy?

 

Sometimes people are just incompatible and that’s OK. Asexuals spend a lifetime hearing that they just haven’t figured out how to be okay with sex. They need to get over their shame and low self esteem and to just meet the right person to meet other people’s expectations and to grow up and all sorts of manipulative stuff. Don’t do that to your partner, just believe them when they say what they want and don’t want.

[allogoober]

8 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Yes, that would be invalidating. Why shouldn’t you simply believe them when they say they’re asexual and just don’t want to do it?

 

Is it because you’re looking for ways to get what you want, sexually, and hope you can convince them to go along with that?

 

I don’t know whether that’s what’s behind this or not. But, you should be prepared to basically never expect or hope that this partner might agree to go any further, sexually, than you already have together.

 

Yes, communication is valuable. You should use it to figure out what page everyone is on, not to try to persuade anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. It is also okay to communicate about what the stakes of a potentially sexless relationship are for you, but not to use it as a manipulation. Just for example - if someone says they can’t be in a relationship with someone who won’t have sex with them, they need to be ready to back that up by not being in the relationship. Not by trying to get the other person to do it.
 

And the other person also should be expressing what the stakes are for them: Can they be in a relationship with someone who is going to be unhappy without sex? Or the right kind of sex or frequent enough sex or whatever it is about the mismatch which makes either person unhappy?

 

Sometimes people are just incompatible and that’s OK. Asexuals spend a lifetime hearing that they just haven’t figured out how to be okay with sex. They need to get over their shame and low self esteem and to just meet the right person to meet other people’s expectations and to grow up and all sorts of manipulative stuff. Don’t do that to your partner, just believe them when they say what they want and don’t want.

I absolutely understand where you’re coming from and thank you for your answer, I am fully prepared to never have intercourse or go further than we have, this is all very new to me so I appreciate this website for being so educational.

 

It wasn’t at all my intention to have this conversation with my partner to get something sexual out of it, I was simply confused after because they were expressed conflicting emotions and thoughts about it themselves.

 

I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting, I want to understand all this as deeply as possible so thank you for the insight.

[Ceebs]

When you say you're fully prepared to never have intercourse, I suppose I have some questions about the circumstances of your relationship. It's not that uncommon for some asexuals who aren't repulsed/averse but rather just fairly indifferent to sex to think in the early stages of a relationship that they won't really have a problem with doing it for their partner's sake because they love them... and then to realise that over time, they're actually getting pretty damn tired of it, perhaps feeling more negatively, and would really rather stop. That can lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy, resentment, that sort of thing. And that's totally understandable. And yes I know that's not your situation, but the thing is, I've seen plenty of sexual people in relationships with aces where they've started out with sex completely off the table, and for the exact same reason -- they're head-over-heels in love with their partner -- they feel like they're willing and able to give up sexual intimacy to be with this new person. And then over time, it's not really ok anymore. They start feeling shame about their desires, wishing they could kill them off and just be happy without sex, and maybe there's some resentment as well. 
 

The early, heady stages of love often make people feel like they'll willingly push or even cross their own boundaries, give up parts of themselves, etc. because this new person seems like the greatest human alive and therefore love can conquer any differences and incompatibilities. In the long term, that's often not how it works out. So I suppose I'm wondering what you mean by being fully prepared to never have intercourse. If you're, say, 16 and have a realistic attitude that your current partner probably isn't who you're going to spend the rest of your life with and you're both relatively new to exploring romantic relationships and want to do that together, that's different than if you're 35 and you've already had several serious relationships involving sex, you know more or less who you are and what you desire in that realm of things, and are dating to hopefully find a life partner and want to believe that you could go the rest of your life without sex because you love someone. 
 

Not trying to be discouraging, but it's important to think about what this means for your longterm happiness and fulfilment. Relationships where one person is having unwanted sex or the other person is giving up their whole sexuality are generally increasingly painful for both parties over time.

[allogoober]

13 hours ago, Ceebs said:

When you say you're fully prepared to never have intercourse, I suppose I have some questions about the circumstances of your relationship. It's not that uncommon for some asexuals who aren't repulsed/averse but rather just fairly indifferent to sex to think in the early stages of a relationship that they won't really have a problem with doing it for their partner's sake because they love them... and then to realise that over time, they're actually getting pretty damn tired of it, perhaps feeling more negatively, and would really rather stop. That can lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy, resentment, that sort of thing. And that's totally understandable. And yes I know that's not your situation, but the thing is, I've seen plenty of sexual people in relationships with aces where they've started out with sex completely off the table, and for the exact same reason -- they're head-over-heels in love with their partner -- they feel like they're willing and able to give up sexual intimacy to be with this new person. And then over time, it's not really ok anymore. They start feeling shame about their desires, wishing they could kill them off and just be happy without sex, and maybe there's some resentment as well. 
 

The early, heady stages of love often make people feel like they'll willingly push or even cross their own boundaries, give up parts of themselves, etc. because this new person seems like the greatest human alive and therefore love can conquer any differences and incompatibilities. In the long term, that's often not how it works out. So I suppose I'm wondering what you mean by being fully prepared to never have intercourse. If you're, say, 16 and have a realistic attitude that your current partner probably isn't who you're going to spend the rest of your life with and you're both relatively new to exploring romantic relationships and want to do that together, that's different than if you're 35 and you've already had several serious relationships involving sex, you know more or less who you are and what you desire in that realm of things, and are dating to hopefully find a life partner and want to believe that you could go the rest of your life without sex because you love someone. 
 

Not trying to be discouraging, but it's important to think about what this means for your longterm happiness and fulfilment. Relationships where one person is having unwanted sex or the other person is giving up their whole sexuality are generally increasingly painful for both parties over time.

Thank you for your answer and I do have some concerns that this is going to happen which is why I am reaching out to this community to gain understanding, we are 20 and this is my second long term relationship (first was when I was 16-17). My partner has never had a relationship or romantic feelings for anyone before me and thus this is new to both of us. They’ve never really thought about their sexuality beyond just an initial aversion to sex and I don’t want to push them to talk about anything before they’re ready. As stated previously I’ve been one relationship as well as having a number of hookups so I know what sex is like in a relationship and outside of it, right now it doesn’t feel bad or bothersome to not have sex but I am well aware that could change. That’s why I want the ground structure to lay out this open communication with my partner if it is needed in the future, so thank you for your insight!