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Sexual Compromise & Support

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joesantus

I apologize in advance if this question/topic has already been broached - I'm trying to read through this entire forum but I'm feeling anxious and want to ask right away.

I recently entered into a relationship with another woman, one for whom sex isn't necessarily important, but physical intimacy is. I've never dated before, and I always assumed that while I wasn't interested in sex, I wasn't repulsed by it either. However, when I try to push my own physical boundaries with my partner (we're trying to figure out where our compromise line is), I keep hitting this point where the physical intimacy just... suddenly becomes too much for me.

What I want to know is, are there other asexuals out there who have experienced something like this? Ones who thought in theory they were fine with certain physical acts, either tame or sexual, and in the moment had a negative reaction? I feel incredibly guilty not being able to offer my partner even a fraction of what she needs, but I don't know how to get around this wall.

What you've experienced is probably not at all limited to Asexuals but is an experience common to people generally. My wife is the Asexual in our 33 year Asexual/Sexual marriage, and as a 57-year-old Sexual I've experienced and observed similar unexpected reactions/responses among Sexuals.

In our earlier decades together, before she realized she is Asexual, as we struggled to resolve our sexual disparity (I'm a highly Sexual), we tried a range of possible "fixes". Having considered that perhaps our dilemma was that she simply had no sexual chemistry towards me but might toward other men and/or women, at her bequest we spent several years "swinging". Because of those years in "the lifestyle", and from frank conversations with the many great friends we consequently made and still have, my wife and I know that it's not uncommon for Sexuals to be perfectly fine and even anticipatory about an act or an interaction until they are actually in it and suddenly, unexpectedly experience physical and/or emotional aversion. (That, as an aside to the curious, is one reason only mature, secure, openly-communicative couples should engage in swinging; it only works if the people involved are mature enough to be able to honestly express feelings and to be reciprocally sensitive, considerate, and fully respectful of others' feelings and choices.) Our head may be ready and eager "in theory", but our head can't predict how our body and/or emotions will actually respond.

So, your unexpected response isn't because of your Asexual sexual orientation. I do think there is a place for growth -- as my Asexual wife has long quipped, "Don't decide you don't like something until you've tried it three times". But never push yourself beyond boundaries that you've learned for sure you can't exceed. Constantly doing what you're averse to will only damage a relationship, and end up as a growing wedge between you two.

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SconesForDinner

Because of those years in "the lifestyle", and from frank conversations with the many great friends we consequently made and still have, my wife and I know that it's not uncommon for Sexuals to be perfectly fine and even anticipatory about an act or an interaction until they are actually in it and suddenly, unexpectedly experience physical and/or emotional aversion.

I'm really glad to hear that I'm not alone in that experience. I feel really bad about it, since it feels like I'm going back on something I said was "okay", but it's not something I can ignore, either.

I don't want to pry too much into your relationship with your wife, but I just have to ask - are things working for the both of you? I've seen a lot of mixed relationship discussion on this forum and it scares me to read so many sexuals who constantly try to be okay with their situation, but even years into it are still bothered by it. I'm not expecting my partner to just flip a switch and be asexual like me, but I also don't want her to be miserable. I've been hoping to find evidence of long term mixed relationships which actually work, or at least aren't a constant emotional up and down.

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joesantus
I don't want to pry too much into your relationship with your wife, but I just have to ask - are things working for the both of you? I've seen a lot of mixed relationship discussion on this forum and it scares me to read so many sexuals who constantly try to be okay with their situation, but even years into it are still bothered by it. I'm not expecting my partner to just flip a switch and be asexual like me, but I also don't want her to be miserable. I've been hoping to find evidence of long term mixed relationships which actually work, or at least aren't a constant emotional up and down.

I can't speak for any Sexuals but myself, of course, but -- 33 years into our marriage, it is still and always has been an emotional and relational roller coaster for me (and for her equally as well). Frankly, as a Sexual, I had to make a choice: the pain of being entirely without her in my life, or, a life of being with her but having the pain of never having my need for sexual connectivity met. It's sort of a lost limb scenario -- an adult adjusts to losing the leg and makes the best of it, but never gets over the loss or its debilitation. Some days, some weeks, some months, some stretches are better and some are worse. (We do not swing any more, but we do have, for lack of better labels, an open marriage, which means I am free to have extra-relational sexmates if I wish; that mitigates our situation but definitely still does not fulfill my needs of wanting to be connected intimately to her.)

So, choose carefully and choose knowingly -- if you choose to stay with her, you'll become accustomed to living with it and it might get easier to handle as the years pass, but the pain will probably never go away.

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SconesForDinner

Thank you for being so honest. We're determined to make this work, so it's good to have a more realistic expectation of how things might be for us. I know everyone's experiences with this sort of situation are different, but I'm glad to have a starting off point, so to speak.

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farfromperfect

I have been married to the same wife for 25 years and we have been together 32 years in total ,we have two grown up children and recently my wife told me she doesn't like cuddling ,kissing or contact and although we have had a sexual relationship its always been pursued by me .

I feel completely shocked and don't know what to do , I don't think I can continue in a relationship without physical contact .

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to get through this ?

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Martin de V

Oh, boy. That kinda sucks.

Okay, the first thing that anybody here is gonna tell you, so I'll do it right now, is this: Don't tell us, tell her. Communication is the key here. You've got to tell her how you feel about this.

The first step: You've got to sit down and have a frank and brutally honest chat with yourself: Which is more important, sex and the things that go along with it, or the marriage and relationship? It's hard to hear at a time like this, but they're not the same thing; realizing that helped save my sanity in my own situation. If the answer to that question is the former (sex et al), then you might be in a lot of trouble. If it's the latter (relationship et al), then there's a much better chance of being able to make it work.

If it's the latter, though, then it's time to sit down with her and find out how she feels. She's obviously told you the surface things; the question remains, though. Which is more important to her, not having sexual (or much other, from the sound of it) contact, or the marriage and your relationship? If the answer is the former, then again, you might be in a lot of trouble. If it's the latter, then there is again a chance of making things work out.

Of course, at that point, the hard part comes in: working out a compromise that won't leave you both unhappy, but will keep you married. And that's going to be different with each couple. I could talk about what my wife and I are working on, but I don't know how much good it would do you. But Jo and I are working on it; you can, too.

But the whole thing starts with honest communication.

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joesantus

I have been married to the same wife for 25 years and we have been together 32 years in total ,we have two grown up children and recently my wife told me she doesn't like cuddling ,kissing or contact and although we have had a sexual relationship its always been pursued by me .

I feel completely shocked and don't know what to do , I don't think I can continue in a relationship without physical contact .

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to get through this ?

Does she say that she has never liked cuddling, kissing, etcetera, or that that is how it is for her presently? In otherwords, does she say her doesn't-like has been "lifelong" or has "onset" ?

The answer seems essential to discover, since if she did formerly enjoy those things, then a possibility remains that her enjoyment could be restored (providing she wants it to be).

BTW, my wife of thirty-three years not only is Asexual but is also Aperger's, the Asperger's in a variety for her which means she has always been indifferent or averse to cuddling/being cuddled, kissing/being kissed, hugging/being hugged. As a highly-sexual and highly-sensual person, therefore, I do empathize with your feelings of desperation and "how-will-I-ever-get-through-this?"

I ditto what Martin de V advised: communicate, communicate honestly, communicate openly -- as much as it might hurt, communicate. Without communication, you have no "way to get through this".

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Down in Texas

This may be a silly question but has she had a hysterectomy recently or in the last few years?

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Mumra17

I still haven’t found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesn’t desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. We’ve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isn’t the lack of sex but that he just doesn’t want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing it’s just an act and it’s not what he wants and does only because of me. It’s rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising won’t help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

OMG, this is right where my wife and I are at this moment! My wife, I'm sure, is having these thoughts. I don't desire sex at all. I've never initiated it. We've had it, we've never gone a whole year without it, but we're definitely having it for different reasons. She's having it for the same reason you are. I'm having it because I want to please her and make her happy, and I like how close we feel toward each other afterwards, and I like how orgasm feels (I masturbate plenty). But, I have to admit, I get so apprehensive before having it, and am so relieved when it's over. I take an internal sigh of relief on those days that she says she doesn't want it or isn't in the mood. If there were any other activity we could do that would give us this same sense of closeness and intimacy, I'd probably choose that. I'd rather lie on the floor in the family room, cuddling, kissing, heavy petting, talking, and laughing. I don't know what it is about sex. It's so weird and surreal to me, mainly because of society's knack to push sex down our throats at every turn.

Knowing all this, it's not for a lack of love that I don't want it, I assure you! It actually detracts from my feelings of love when I have to do it. Planning it, and knowing I'm going to do it, doesn't make me anticipate it and work myself up for it. It makes me stressed out - I'm not sure how to prepare for it, or what I'm supposed to be feeling. I just wish we were going to a movie instead.

I think your and my sex lives have spiraled similarly... upon genuinely accepting asexuality, our partners' interest and willingness to participate in sex has declined very rapidly and is fast approaching zero. it sucks. I mean, its nice to have it all out on the table, but I was not expecting this.

Before I started researching asexuality (in the hope of getting some of these questions answered about myself), I was feeling so bad about never initiating sex, that I was going to start putting forth an effort to initiate it, even though it isn't natural to me at all. It's awkward, but it's so important to my wife and to our relationship (which was going downhill fast), that I was willing to do it. What sucks though, was that it was right about this time that I finally let it be known to my wife that I didn't desire sex, never have, and I didn't even before we were married, or engaged. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't empty sex, that I was getting something out of it (the intimacy, the pleasure at satisfying her), but I guess it was too foreign for her, because she wanted me to want sex.

Ever since that revelation, we haven't had sex. Not because I felt differently about wanting to initiate it to help our relationship, but because she can't handle my feelings, trying to come to terms with them. So now I'm confused and frustrated because I was finally going to try to help our "sex life", and now we have none. She's taking it all very personally. The worst is when she stated that it was all a lie, our lives together. That at the beginning I had always come on as an emotional and sexual person. But I had been a virgin and was intensely interested in this "amazing thing" called sex that everyone was going gaga about and couldn't get enough of. I thought that was really harsh, just to in one fell swoop invalidate everything that we had done and shared together, everything that I did work on in our marriage. Looking back, I guess I was always working on the family, being there for them, taking care of them. But the work wasn't really done on the marriage, on us. Sex is so at the center of all that for my wife, though, that I don't know how to get around that. That's probably why the marriage, why us has suffered. She thinks it starts with sex, that that's the thing that defines a marriage as separate from all other relationships, and is the foundation upon which all else is built. I just see it as another element of marriage, along with emotional support, sharing, being there for each other, taking care of each other, enjoying things together, being interested in each other's interests/hobbies, spending our days together (not being alone), not having to meet life's challenges and surprises alone. These are all elements of marriage, and I don't put sex on a pedestal above all the others, or as a central ingredient without which all the others can't happen or don't matter.

She wonders when it all changed - when I stopped wanting sex and initiating it. I've done a lot of reflection on this. At first I thought it was when our first child was born, but it was before that. Then I thought it was before that wedding, because about 3 months before the wedding we decided to stop having sex until the wedding night. I thought that it would be like "absence makes the heart grow fonder." That if I wait, the desire would build up, and I'd actually want/need/crave sex on our wedding night. Didn't happen. Finally, I've decided that it was after the first time we had sex. I was like, "Oh, okay. That was fun, and interesting. That felt good. I guess that was amazing. I guess. Actually, what the hell? This is what people spend their lives searching for? This is what people can't stop talking about, can't live without?" I kept having sex with her, figuring that's what you do in relationships. But I don't think I ever desired it after that first time.

I think it helps a lot when there are issues with physical intimacy if the emotional and intellectual connection is intact.

True. This is my biggest fear. There is so much stress due to our mixed relationship. But there's not much there on the emotional level either. My wife (and our therapist) believe I'm slightly Aspergers, and therefore don't show emotion or empathy very well. I'm left to wonder how much of that is due to Aspergers, and how much is due to just being a guy. I'm from Mars for crying out loud. We don't show much emotion up there.

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Lady Girl

I think when I say emotional connection I mean that we laugh at the same things, enjoy much of the same music, feel about the same sort of sadness or upset when something unfortunate happens, etc. However, he seems clueless when it comes to responding to my bad moods...he often says "are you going to get your period?" which basically just pushes me right over the edge.

I have begun to realize though, that if I'm in a mood almost anything he says is going to bug me, so for him to even try (when he doesn't use the above line) is actually commendable on his part.

He also seems to be able to relate to my frustration regarding our relationship when I do feel that way. He may not be able to help me at the time, but I know he gets it. I think he might compare it to times in his life when things aren't going the way he'd hoped they would or according to plan and how this makes him feel.

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Mumra17

"Non-sexual intimacy tends to frustrate me when there is no sexual intimacy at all. It makes the relationship feel even more unfair." - Agonizer

This is at the heart of the issue for me. I feel a need to be close to my partner, doing non-sexual acts (kissing, heavy petting, cuddling). This is analogous to a sexual's *need* for sex. But my wife feels like Agonizer - that these acts don't mean much, or are just frustrating, without the sex. Like I'm just teasing her. Without the sex, she has a hard time feeling close to me. Without the non-sexual acts, I have a hard time feeling close to her. This might be one reason why some asexuals become anti-sex - they're pissed off that this "sex" thing always has to mess up the moment. That when you go from the non-sexual to the sexual acts you go from romantically and emotionally intimate, to just a physical, primal act, or what sexuals like to call physically intimate. Although non-sexual acts are pretty physically intimate too . . .

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Mumra17

There are people, and it is a really hard decision, I think you are basically looking at a certain amount of difficulty with either choice. My husband and I did split up for awhile. We got back together and maybe that could be something you might think about too...maybe try living apart with the intention to decide if that is truly what you want. Talk to him about a six month trial or something? You can take some time to decide if it is a permanent separation.

How would this work with kids? Wouldn't you totally mess them up? Seems they would get confused when/if Mom and Dad got back together and everyone's living under the same roof again.

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Lady Girl

There are people, and it is a really hard decision, I think you are basically looking at a certain amount of difficulty with either choice. My husband and I did split up for awhile. We got back together and maybe that could be something you might think about too...maybe try living apart with the intention to decide if that is truly what you want. Talk to him about a six month trial or something? You can take some time to decide if it is a permanent separation.

How would this work with kids? Wouldn't you totally mess them up? Seems they would get confused when/if Mom and Dad got back together and everyone's living under the same roof again.

We don't have children, but I have heard it said more than once that if there are issues between the mom and dad it is better to somehow resolve them, even if it means splitting up. I personally think the children would understand if you tell them that there are problems and you are trying to give each other some space for awhile...you hope to get back together, but you have to wait and see. It probably depends on the ages of the children of course, how much if anything you do tell them. I'm going to guess that if you talk to your kids and tell them in generic terms what's going on, they won't be sad or confused if you get back together...they will have already known it was a possibility.

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Mumra17

Well, I had "the talk" tonight. It would have been tougher if my wife hadn't actually read my posts on here.

So now she knows everything. She knows how I feel, and how I can't change. And I know how she feels, and how she can't change.

She doesn't want to have sex with me, because it's not something I want. And neither of us would get anything out of it. And it's not fair to either of us. You would think that this would bring me a sigh of relief because I don't have to worry about it. But it doesn't. At least, not right now. It's so hard to sit across from the woman that you love, who you've been having sex with for 12 years (sporadically), and hear those words. I understand and agree with them. But it's sad. I'm so sad right now. Something I once had is lost forever.

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Mumra17

My wife of thirty-three years not only is Asexual but is also Aperger's, the Asperger's in a variety for her which means she has always been indifferent or averse to cuddling/being cuddled, kissing/being kissed, hugging/being hugged.

I ditto what Martin de V advised: communicate, communicate honestly, communicate openly -- as much as it might hurt, communicate. Without communication, you have no "way to get through this".

Does your wife have problems showing emotions and/or showing empathy? I'm in a huge 3-way bind. There's the asexuality, but I've also had trouble throughout our relationship with showing emotion, giving my wife emotional support, and showing empathy. Finally, there's the communication. We (I, really) haven't been good at communicating with each other either. UGH, that's a lot.

My wife and therapist really think I have Asperger's, so I've been researching that in addition to asexuality. So that helps explain the lack of emotion.

P.S. - Yay! I finally made it through this thread! Sorry for all the multiple posts, but there's a lot of great info in this thread, and I had to respond to stuff while the thoughts were in my head!

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nodare
Hello, I'm still new to the whole issue and new here, so in case I mix something up or still don't understand - I'm sorry! Also, English is not my native language - so sorry if I sound weird.


I've been reading various topics on this site, especially this thread. I know that many things have been already discussed here and I want to say that this forum is amazing and I'm very happy to find it.


One would think that being 35 I'd know myself by now, but I only just recently discovered that I'm "ace" or rather gray-A. And it felt like I was hit by a brick. I started crying, but I wasn't freaking out because of me (I really don't need sex in my life, I don't care) but because of my husband. In my head it felt like a "sex-death" sentence to him - because I can't fix myself, it won't get better, there's no cure. After talking to some online friends and lurking here I understand now that asexuality isn't "a sentence", nothing is also fixed, sexuality may be fluid, is hard to define and even things that seem to be permanent may not be so.


Still, my current situation is that I'm a gray-A married to a sexual who very much needs and wants sex in his life. For him it's not only a physical need but also the ultimate way of building closeness, intimacy and love. I'm not repulsed by sex and compromising for his sake hasn't been/wouldn't be a huge struggle for me (even once we start I usually enjoy it - it's like someone said here - watching a movie you wouldn't care about watching or going to a sports game for company - you may not like it but you may end up enjoying the experience anyway, especially since you make the person you love happy). Problem is that I told my hubbie about my "discovery". He wasn't surprised (we've been together for 12 years now and he got used to me hating kissing, not being a fan of any kind of touch, etc.). But he is devastated anyway.


I saw few Sexuals mentioning here on the thread that compromise may not be a perfect solution because it's no pleasure to have sex with someone who doesn't really desire it. And I think this will be my main issue - my husband is a sweet, generous, sensitive guy, he will not want to put me in an uncomfortable situation. He needs to be wanted. He will not initiate sex (he almost never did anyway - he always waits for me, he will not impose, and so we have sex every few weeks, sometimes months). What do I do? It's hard for me to initiate it, and now, once he knows about asexuality, he will not believe that my invitation to bed is genuine.


I love my husband deeply, he is not only my partner but also my best friend and I really care about his happiness and our marriage. And I really have no idea what to do.

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JDP

You do what I do. You make the best of your sexless marriage.

I don't know what the statistics are, but I always thought marriages eventually become sexless at some point, anyway. Eventually the flames become a burning ember, or however the saying goes. I have no problem with that.

I don't see how compromise is possible. It's wishful thinking. The asexuals here seem to believe that what sexuals want is sex, but that's not what they want. Sexuals want something no asexual can give.

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nodare

You do what I do. You make the best of your sexless marriage.

I don't know what the statistics are, but I always thought marriages eventually become sexless at some point, anyway. Eventually the flames become a burning ember, or however the saying goes. I have no problem with that.

I don't see how compromise is possible. It's wishful thinking. The asexuals here seem to believe that what sexuals want is sex, but that's not what they want. Sexuals want something no asexual can give.

Oh God, this doesn't sound hopeful :( So I've been delusional, after all?

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SconesForDinner

You do what I do. You make the best of your sexless marriage.

I don't know what the statistics are, but I always thought marriages eventually become sexless at some point, anyway. Eventually the flames become a burning ember, or however the saying goes. I have no problem with that.

I don't see how compromise is possible. It's wishful thinking. The asexuals here seem to believe that what sexuals want is sex, but that's not what they want. Sexuals want something no asexual can give.

Oh God, this doesn't sound hopeful :( So I've been delusional, after all?

Okay, I have to interject here. There can be a lot of negativity about sexual/asexual relationships on here, and you have to take that in stride. Yes, it's a difficult situation. No one's going to deny that. But there IS a happy middle ground - just remember that said middle ground is unique to you and your partner. No one can tell you what will work for you, nor should you worry if something DIDN'T work for a different couple. Communication is EXTREMELY important. You and your partner both need to figure out what you each need versus want, and what you can comfortably offer the other. For my own situation, my partner doesn't want us to have sex if it's something I'm not comfortable with. In return, I try extra hard to be affectionate and loving in less sexual ways, so she still feels appreciated and wanted. What you need to ask your partner is how ELSE you can show him you love him. Whether that's kissing and cuddling, or doing little favors, or whatever. If you two come to the decision to stay together despite this difference, then that's what matters. Have faith your love will get you through this.

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JDP

this doesn't sound hopeful :( So I've been delusional, after all?

I don't know your husband, but if he's truly sexual, like my wife, you're giving him sex won't resolve the issue, because he'll see it, he'll FEEL it, as charity.

I know a lot of guys would be OK with that. Sex is just sex. They don't need the desire and passion that goes with it (for other people).

Your husband is devastated, but it will pass. It should, anyway.

Things will never be the same, though. You're basically starting over now.

I'll get criticized her for being dramatic, but I'm in the same position you are. I'm the asexual one, and my wife is sexual, but unlike you I did not tell my wife that I'm asexual.

First, she wouldn't believe me, and in any case she would be devastated, like your husband is now.

And like you I have been feeling terrible about it. I have lost a lot of sleep, but my wife doesn't really know it because she sleeps downstairs on the sofa.

But what can I do? I just don't feel what she wants me to feel. It isn't personal -- I don't feel attracted to anyone else, either, but that's not what she wants to hear.

I'd rather be impotent than asexual. My wife could deal with that.

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Lady Girl

I saw few Sexuals mentioning here on the thread that compromise may not be a perfect solution because it's no pleasure to have sex with someone who doesn't really desire it. And I think this will be my main issue - my husband is a sweet, generous, sensitive guy, he will not want to put me in an uncomfortable situation. He needs to be wanted. He will not initiate sex (he almost never did anyway - he always waits for me, he will not impose, and so we have sex every few weeks, sometimes months). What do I do? It's hard for me to initiate it, and now, once he knows about asexuality, he will not believe that my invitation to bed is genuine.

I love my husband deeply, he is not only my partner but also my best friend and I really care about his happiness and our marriage. And I really have no idea what to do.

If you make it clear to him that you aren't uncomfortable, I think it's possible he may work it out in his mind. Sometimes sexual people really do just want sex. If it turns out to be with our partner who may not feel about it the same way we do it can still be great sex.

Funnily enough, having sex with someone who happens to know me really well and who is doing it primarily because he loves me is not a bad thing...to me.

Don't be discouraged. Sometimes there are difficulties and sometimes there aren't. Each relationship is different, and each person goes through periods of being okay with the differences they have with their partner and periods when they may struggle.

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joesantus
I saw few Sexuals mentioning here on the thread that compromise may not be a perfect solution because it's no pleasure to have sex with someone who doesn't really desire it. And I think this will be my main issue - my husband is a sweet, generous, sensitive guy, he will not want to put me in an uncomfortable situation. He needs to be wanted. He will not initiate sex (he almost never did anyway - he always waits for me, he will not impose, and so we have sex every few weeks, sometimes months). What do I do? It's hard for me to initiate it, and now, once he knows about asexuality, he will not believe that my invitation to bed is genuine.
I love my husband deeply, he is not only my partner but also my best friend and I really care about his happiness and our marriage. And I really have no idea what to do.

If by "delusional", you mean you believed there is some eventual "fix" to your sexual disparity, well, yes. But you're not delusional about a potential for you and your husband eventually finding a way to address your disparity and otherwise-enjoy a good relationship.

Your situation resembles my Asexual wife's and mine in that I've always been aversive to "imposing" sex on her as well as been in need of sex to be a mutual emotional/relational connection. So, I do understand your dilemma.

Give him -- and yourself -- time to adjust to this new revelation about you. Now that he realizes that, say, waiting until he assumed your sexual desire had accumulated to you needing sex so you'd want sex, is not reality, he may rethink his attitude about sex with you. That rethinking may include him being willing to compromise with you having sex with him even though he knows you don't have an urge for sex with him. I advise emphasizing, too, that you often do indeed enjoy sex with him once you're engaged in it. But, don't jump to any conclusions. As individuals and as a couple, you first need time to digest and to ponder this new awareness.

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nodare

Thank you so much for all the replies!

I was wondering if telling my husband was a mistake - if Asexjoe is right and it's worse for my husband to know than if I pretended and dealt with it myself. Perhaps it is, and perhaps it's not - I can't reverse it anyway.

As to "delusional" - for years I've been convinced that I just haven't found the right switch in me yet - like, you know, for some people it's for example only one kind of sex relationship that works (for example d/s stuff or idk - watersports, or whatever else). After finding out what asexuality term means (I knew the word before but didn't know it's meaning and how it could apply to me and all the gray areas) I started to understand that there will be no switch. During the years of searching I did find things that I obsesses about sexually but they are all in fantasy sphere and don't change my feeling of real sex even if they do help me during it.

Learning about asexuality made me think at first "okay, now I know what it is. There must be techniques, things to learn etc. that will tell me how to deal with it, practice and try hard so that I get to want and enjoy sex..." Right ;) now that was delusional.

So by "fix" now I mean the compromise and finding things that work for us as a couple despite the differences and despite my lack of natural interest in having sex. For now I believe it's possible and I hope it's not me be being delusional again...

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Lady Girl

I was wondering if telling my husband was a mistake - if Asexjoe is right and it's worse for my husband to know than if I pretended and dealt with it myself. Perhaps it is, and perhaps it's not - I can't reverse it anyway.

So by "fix" now I mean the compromise and finding things that work for us as a couple despite the differences and despite my lack of natural interest in having sex. For now I believe it's possible and I hope it's not me be being delusional again...

I wanted to know why he didn't seem to desire sexual relations. I think it's way better to know. It explains so much and it makes nonsexual things mean more for some reason. We can both relax like we never could before.

Sure there are some issues to think about and sort through, but right from the start he was willing to answer questions I had and talk to me about what kind of arrangement might work best for both of us.

You're not being delusional...just be sure to expect some sadness but hopefully also some openness from him. Things won't get settled in a day, or even a week. Be prepared for some back and forth feelings too. As I mentioned, sometimes I know exactly why I am with him, other times my vision isn't as clear.

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Mumra17

Thank you so much for all the replies!

I was wondering if telling my husband was a mistake - if Asexjoe is right and it's worse for my husband to know than if I pretended and dealt with it myself. Perhaps it is, and perhaps it's not - I can't reverse it anyway.

As to "delusional" - for years I've been convinced that I just haven't found the right switch in me yet - like, you know, for some people it's for example only one kind of sex relationship that works (for example d/s stuff or idk - watersports, or whatever else). After finding out what asexuality term means (I knew the word before but didn't know it's meaning and how it could apply to me and all the gray areas) I started to understand that there will be no switch. During the years of searching I did find things that I obsesses about sexually but they are all in fantasy sphere and don't change my feeling of real sex even if they do help me during it.

Learning about asexuality made me think at first "okay, now I know what it is. There must be techniques, things to learn etc. that will tell me how to deal with it, practice and try hard so that I get to want and enjoy sex..." Right ;) now that was delusional.

So by "fix" now I mean the compromise and finding things that work for us as a couple despite the differences and despite my lack of natural interest in having sex. For now I believe it's possible and I hope it's not me be being delusional again...

This. I totally get this. This is me too. I was looking for that "switch" too. I always thought that eventually I'd want sex and I'd actually initiate it. Never happened. I'm glad I found Aven to give me some answers.

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Charming

Finally got through this ... was a lot to read. I might have a chance for some communication with Mr. Charming (who self defines as asexual) tonight. Hopefully look into our options (my options). I have been feeling a little gloomy so hopefully there will be something new and positive to come for both of us.

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ThorHera

i am asexual, w/a VERY sexual husb - he does NOT know i am asexual, i have no plans to tell him, as i know what his reaction would be - not a good one. So i deal with, as i have dealt w/this from day one, i am the one that compromises - but then i am not sex-repulsed so it is no big deal to me .... and, it does help that both husb/me are both aromantic, imo.

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Lady Girl

Finally got through this ... was a lot to read. I might have a chance for some communication with Mr. Charming (who self defines as asexual) tonight. Hopefully look into our options (my options). I have been feeling a little gloomy so hopefully there will be something new and positive to come for both of us.

I hope you had a good talk, if it happened. For me the initial discovery was a huge relief, but then for awhile it was sort of difficult to adjust to the new knowledge. As time went on (I'm the sexual partner, and knew something was up anyway), the feeling of honesty and having a good reason to stop focusing on sex and why it seemed slightly 'off' was a welcome change. I'm having fairly good luck appreciating our fabulous relationship the way it is.

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Charming

Finally got through this ... was a lot to read. I might have a chance for some communication with Mr. Charming (who self defines as asexual) tonight. Hopefully look into our options (my options). I have been feeling a little gloomy so hopefully there will be something new and positive to come for both of us.

I hope you had a good talk, if it happened. For me the initial discovery was a huge relief, but then for awhile it was sort of difficult to adjust to the new knowledge. As time went on (I'm the sexual partner, and knew something was up anyway), the feeling of honesty and having a good reason to stop focusing on sex and why it seemed slightly 'off' was a welcome change. I'm having fairly good luck appreciating our fabulous relationship the way it is.

Thank you. Unfortunately we didn't have the talk that I had hoped for. His iPad received his attention that night. Since then he has slept in the guest room. I'm not sure whether I'm disappointed or relieved. I think the sense of urgency I had been feeling might be passing. As always, I appreciate the newfound support here. And the cake.

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Lady Girl

Thank you. Unfortunately we didn't have the talk that I had hoped for. His iPad received his attention that night. Since then he has slept in the guest room. I'm not sure whether I'm disappointed or relieved. I think the sense of urgency I had been feeling might be passing. As always, I appreciate the newfound support here. And the cake.

I was a nervous wreck the night I showed my husband this site and asked about it. Fortunately, he was open to listening and thinking about whether or not it was applicable. I think any conversation you are able to have with him that includes a genuine concern for both of your feelings regarding the issue is a good start...I felt his ego might stand in the way, plus I just didn't want to hurt or blame him anymore. Feel free to PM me anytime! :)

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