Sexual Compromise & Support

[asexuallyfrusterated]

 that's a joke,. 

Lol

its kinda a joke, .I actually think she's freaking perfect. 

But seriously tho I was talking pheromones and her natural beauty... 

If you are attracted to ones natural pheromones,you can't just turn that off,. But I've been trying and have been doing very good. 

Been trying to deal with my PTSD.. EMDR if u can ,I have been trying on my own, replacing bad memories,by remembering the good ones.. 

Been pulling lots of good memories of her out of my head that were hidden. 

One day at a time. 

 

 

[SN90]

Hi folks,

 

My husband is not interested in sexual connection. I want help in understanding why:
1. He doesn't associate sexual activity with feelings of love
2. He isn't interested in foreplay, any experimentation in sexual activity
3. He doesn't feel the need to have sexual activity more than once or twice a month (Only if he environment at home and his work is ideal)

4. Initially he wasn't even interested in kissing and making out in general either. That used to be a mechanical activity as well.

 

We've been together for 3 years. And married for 2 years now. 

Yes, we have openly discussed this issue multiple times over the past years.

 

He has almost always responded with statements like:

1. Why is sex so important for you?

2.  If this was so important to you, you shouldn't have married me

3. This is not a big problem. You are a sex crazed person (For wanting to do it once or twice a week)

4. I don't like any experimentation. It makes me very uncomfortable. (He wants to do it like a rehearsed act, in particular way, with same steps, in the same place)

 

What are the next steps for me to understand this and get the same understanding to my husband?

[Sally]

8 hours ago, SN90 said:

Hi folks,

 

My husband is not interested in sexual connection. I want help in understanding why:
1. He doesn't associate sexual activity with feelings of love
2. He isn't interested in foreplay, any experimentation in sexual activity
3. He doesn't feel the need to have sexual activity more than once or twice a month (Only if he environment at home and his work is ideal)

4. Initially he wasn't even interested in kissing and making out in general either. That used to be a mechanical activity as well.

 

We've been together for 3 years. And married for 2 years now. 

Yes, we have openly discussed this issue multiple times over the past years.

 

He has almost always responded with statements like:

1. Why is sex so important for you?

2.  If this was so important to you, you shouldn't have married me

3. This is not a big problem. You are a sex crazed person (For wanting to do it once or twice a week)

4. I don't like any experimentation. It makes me very uncomfortable. (He wants to do it like a rehearsed act, in particular way, with same steps, in the same place)

 

What are the next steps for me to understand this and get the same understanding to my husband?

@SN90  I think that sometimes "understanding" is too emphasized when talking about mixed sexual orientations in relationships.  What may be more important is simply listening, and then respecting that the other person is trying to state how they feel.  The numbered statements at the top of your comment above seems to state how he feels.  

[stalwart]

@SN90 Welcome! I see in your post that you're approaching this whole thing from a place of curiosity and hope, which reflects really well on you. I'm an asexual person currently figuring out how to be in a relationship with allosexual people, so hopefully some of these thoughts might be helpful: 

 

Everyone is wired a little differently when it comes to sex and love, and the relationship between the two. The answer to "why" your husband doesn't associate sex with love may be that there is no why. The connection may simply not be built like that for him. Also, sex is complicated! Desire, libido, attraction, and arousal are all very different things, and understanding how these component parts of your husband's sexuality (and yours) work may help you get a better understanding of where he's coming from. For example, I have a pretty average libido, but I never feel spontaneous desire (the kind of desire most commonly discussed and portrayed in US culture: seeing someone and wanting them). I usually only feel responsive desire (meaning it takes a demonstration of someone else wanting me to get the desire going). For another example: kissing! Physically speaking, it does about as much for me as a handshake. If I stopped kissing altogether, I would not miss the sensory experience—but I would miss the symbolic experience. Kissing is a gesture that means romance in our culture, and I am very sensitive to the symbolic value of gestures, so I find a lot of emotional and cognitive pleasure in kissing. Plus, I like how it makes my partner feel. 

 

I'm a little worried about the tone your husband is using in these reported statements. Hurrying to blame you for marrying him is not great, and calling your partner "sex-crazed" is unkind. His responses seem very defensive—which I totally get. I don't like to feel like my identity is in question or like the way I experience sex and desire is wrong. Part of figuring out how to be in a relationship with allosexual people is figuring out how to have the kind of deep, vulnerable conversations that build understanding and trust without slamming up those defensive walls. 

 

Honestly, the next steps for you will probably be the same for anyone trying to broach a sensitive topic with their partner: build trust, develop more understanding about your own position, and figure out better ways of communicating. Why is sex important to you? Are there other kinds of intimacy that you and your partner could do together? What are the parts of your marriage that really work well and enrich your life? How can you both have vulnerable conversations without getting defensive, lashing out, or withdrawing? I guess I'm leaving you with more questions than answers, but hopefully this perspective will be useful or at least interesting to read. Good luck! 

[Olallieberry]

On 9/29/2021 at 10:13 AM, Mountain House said:

if a person feels that opening their relationship is a compromise then they probably shouldn't be doing it

Sorry to cherry-pick 15 months later, I'm aware that that's what I've done here.

 

But to flip it around, how do people react to the following statement?

 

Quote

If a person feels that celibacy within their relationship is a compromise then they probably shouldn't be doing it

 

[Mountain House]

2 hours ago, Ollie415 said:

how do people react to the following statement?

 

Quote

If a person feels that celibacy within their relationship is a compromise then they probably shouldn't be doing it

 

Changing a relationship to an open relationship isn't a compromise in the relationship, it is a fundamentally different kind of relationship. Someone who thinks they are 'compromising' in this way is generally under duress and that's a formula for insecurity, resentment, and pain. They usually fail.

 

Celibacy is a relationship compromise. Some here have done so with success.

 

Many here, when looking at the options available, realize that celibacy isn't an option for them. It's how most end up in this forum.

 

Coming anywhere close to the conversation you are looking for?

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, Mountain House said:

Changing a relationship to an open relationship isn't a compromise in the relationship, it is a fundamentally different kind of relationship. Someone who thinks they are 'compromising' in this way is generally under duress and that's a formula for insecurity, resentment, and pain. They usually fail.

 

Celibacy is a relationship compromise. Some here have done so with success.

 

Many here, when looking at the options available, realize that celibacy isn't an option for them. It's how most end up in this forum.

 

Coming anywhere close to the conversation you are looking for?

Sure, thanks for orienting my point of view.

[Mister S]

I started reading this thread at the beginning yesterday. I've been feeling down about being the sexual one in our marriage. This thread has helped me some in realizing that the predicament that I'm in is not completely unique. It gives me some hope. And so I wanted to share some small hope with you all via an anecdote.

 

I was feeling down over the past week, because I've felt so sexually frustrated recently. I'd not spoken to my wife about it, partly because life has been so busy, but also because I don't want her to feel pressured into compromise. For all the same reasons that others have mentioned: it feels forced and I want her to find some enjoyment and not view it as another chore. "I want my body to warrant a greater level of excitement than a 30 piece puzzle". And it's depressing to want sexual fulfillment and yet know that it is extremely difficult/impossible for my ace wife to give/receive at a similar level that I wish to give/receive. It feels like an exercise in defeatism when I'm feeling lustful and then it turns the lust into this sad and angry horny angst. It's awful. A lot of this was my projection of what I had experienced before and what I knew was constant.

 

But it's also not always reality. 

 

I got home early and sat with her for a little bit. I served her the dinner she had put in the oven and then disappeared into the bedroom to try and tease her into a conversation away from other distractions. (A little childish? Maybe.) She followed me into the bedroom when she realized I wasn't behaving normally. We talked for a little, and then she said to me "I can see the signs you're putting down. Let's take care of it." And we did...kind of. The act was completely devoid of steam on her part, her clothes stayed on, she didn't touch me below the waist, and she just stayed close to me. It wasn't sex and it didn't (doesn't) fulfill all my desires (or even most). It it was helpful and it helped me experience as much of that emotional-physical-sexual mess of a bonding experience as she could permit.

 

She told me that next time I should just say something, and we've now set up a loose schedule to meet my needs as much as she is willing to meet them. Is this compromise as fulfilling for me as full body contact under the sheets? No, but she can't go to that place anymore, and ideally (for her) she wouldn't have to even go this far. But she makes that effort and it's that good faith effort makes me feel loved and cared for. It helps remove that sense of guilt and shame that I've apparently internalized for having sexual needs for an ace who does not want that kind of attention. It's not perfect for either us, but at least from last night I feel reassured that our systems of compromise are working.

 

Will this level of compromise work for all sexual partners? No. If you can't achieve orgasm or climax solo, then you will probably require a greater level of interaction from your partner. If you're ace partner fails to recognize your signs or refuses to acknowledge them, then there is an existing communication barrier there to overcome. If your ace partner doesn't trust you not to violate their boundaries (or hasn't indicated what their boundaries are), then you need to talk about those boundaries more and then validate those boundaries. But for some kinds of mixed-orientation relationships, compromise is possible. 

[Mister S]

On 12/1/2022 at 4:31 AM, SN90 said:

Hi folks,

 

My husband is not interested in sexual connection. I want help in understanding why:
1. He doesn't associate sexual activity with feelings of love
2. He isn't interested in foreplay, any experimentation in sexual activity
3. He doesn't feel the need to have sexual activity more than once or twice a month (Only if he environment at home and his work is ideal)

4. Initially he wasn't even interested in kissing and making out in general either. That used to be a mechanical activity as well.

 

We've been together for 3 years. And married for 2 years now. 

Yes, we have openly discussed this issue multiple times over the past years.

 

He has almost always responded with statements like:

1. Why is sex so important for you?

2.  If this was so important to you, you shouldn't have married me

3. This is not a big problem. You are a sex crazed person (For wanting to do it once or twice a week)

4. I don't like any experimentation. It makes me very uncomfortable. (He wants to do it like a rehearsed act, in particular way, with same steps, in the same place)

 

What are the next steps for me to understand this and get the same understanding to my husband?

I will try to provide some insight based on what my ace wife has said to me. Your husband may or may not feel similarly. Asexuality is an umbrella and can have a lot of different motivators. 

 

1a. To some asexuals, sexual activity is mechanical or scientific. My wife would call it "coitus" like you would out of a biology textbook. It may not feel like love in the way that strenuous yardwork doesn't feel like love or lifting weights or stretching doesn't feel like love. It might just feel like exercise, but an exercise that doesn't burn that many calories and has a social stigma bounded with it. So what's the point?

1b. To some asexuals, sexual activity might be linked to past sexual trauma. It doesn't feel like love, because it feels like fear or like a fight for your life. 

 

2. If sexual activity feels like either of the two parts of the answer to #1, would you be interested in drawing out the activity? I personally try to get yardwork and exercise done as quickly and efficiently as possible and I don't look forward to it and I don't fantasize about new ways to clear brush or do push-ups. And if someone tried to share their fantasies of new ways to move brush from here to there, I'd glaze over. And if the prospect of sex felt like the fight of my life happening over again, I wouldn't want to prolong the experience or understand how the experience could possibly be enriched with a toy or a different action.

 

3. Going with the reasoning in 1a, I don't like to engage with the brush behind my house more than once or twice a month. Going with the reasoning in 1b, I would find it extremely difficult to regularly engage in an activity that provokes the fight/flight/freeze response in me. 

 

4. The link that binds the physical and emotive pleasure from that kind of intimacy is derived from a different experience for many asexuals. It would be time spent together, doing chores or tasks so that the ace doesn't have to, it can be receiving gifts, etc. etc. Some asexuals feel bored with the activity of making out, because their mind wanders and they start thinking of something else that they could be doing. 

 

Again, these are reasonings that I have heard expressed from 1 ace, the ace that I know and love. Your husband may have different reasons. I'm certain that other aces will have their own reasoning. None of these ways of thinking are wrong, they just are, and they can't be changed. It is as core to them as our sexual desires are to us. It is not a reflection on you, your physical body, or your behavior. 

 

As an aside, I'm sorry that your husband called you sex crazed. My wife will sometimes call me "greedy". These words must have hurt, but you are not sex crazed and you should not feel guilty about how you feel. 

 

It helped my wife and I to talk about how we feel in detail, leaving no room for assumptions. I had to explain to my wife the role that sex plays in my mental health and emotional well-being, how I feel validated and cared for in that specific way afterwards. It's helped to have those difficult and sometimes painful conversations. (There's no make-up sex after those conversations either, which makes it all the more difficult). Good luck SN90.

[MDswife]

Hi All. I have been on the site going through tons and tons of posts about how to compromise and how to deal with all of this. My wife just came out to me a month ago. We are married 4 years together a total of 8. I am a very sexual and she says she has realized she is asexual. Known about 3 years. She questioned it but wasnt sure before we ever met. All this to say I feel extremely betrayed by the not telling me since she realized it or even that she questioned it before we even met. I feel like I am so invested now that I dont ever want to be without her. We are in therapy and have been. We are in the process now of deciding if we can compromise with eachother- which I have been compromising fkr years bc of her not wanting sex. How do I deal with the idea that if she willingly compromises - I would feel guilty now knowing she doesnt desire sex. She said the act is pleasurable and she has always enjoyed it but just wouldnt care if it ever happened again or not. I have lost 40 lbs since I found out and it has caused me extreme anxiety not to mention most days I dont have any nutrition aside from coffee- my nerves are shot and I feel so very betrayed. Any help anyone can give would be so appreciated. I dont want to lose her but I dont know if I can be celibate and I dont know how to not feel guilty even if she says she enjoys the act of sex. Any ideas on other ways of intimacy<aside from anything sexual> would be amazing also. 

[Sally]

14 minutes ago, MDswife said:

Hi All. I have been on the site going through tons and tons of posts about how to compromise and how to deal with all of this. My wife just came out to me a month ago. We are married 4 years together a total of 8. I am a very sexual and she says she has realized she is asexual. Known about 3 years. She questioned it but wasnt sure before we ever met. All this to say I feel extremely betrayed by the not telling me since she realized it or even that she questioned it before we even met. I feel like I am so invested now that I dont ever want to be without her. We are in therapy and have been. We are in the process now of deciding if we can compromise with eachother- which I have been compromising fkr years bc of her not wanting sex. How do I deal with the idea that if she willingly compromises - I would feel guilty now knowing she doesnt desire sex. She said the act is pleasurable and she has always enjoyed it but just wouldnt care if it ever happened again or not. I have lost 40 lbs since I found out and it has caused me extreme anxiety not to mention most days I dont have any nutrition aside from coffee- my nerves are shot and I feel so very betrayed. Any help anyone can give would be so appreciated. I dont want to lose her but I dont know if I can be celibate and I dont know how to not feel guilty even if she says she enjoys the act of sex. Any ideas on other ways of intimacy<aside from anything sexual> would be amazing also. 

She hasn't apparently asked you to be celibate.  She has told you that she enjoys it.  Why not simply believe her?

[uhtred]

25 minutes ago, Sally said:

She hasn't apparently asked you to be celibate.  She has told you that she enjoys it.  Why not simply believe her?

He may be worried that she hasn't really told him how she feels.   I know that for my wife, she says she enjoys sex - but her behavior suggests otherwise. I think she wants to want sex, but doesn't actually want it.  Will set up romantic vacations, strongly suggesting that she wants sex to be part of them but when we go on vacation she seems to go out of her way to make sure a situation never arises when we might actually have sex.

I can't tell for sure what she is thinking and worry that its something she dislikes but is just doing for me.   The OP may be in a similar situation where his wife's words don't seen to match how she behaves.

[Sally]

29 minutes ago, uhtred said:

He may be worried that she hasn't really told him how she feels.   I know that for my wife, she says she enjoys sex - but her behavior suggests otherwise. I think she wants to want sex, but doesn't actually want it.  Will set up romantic vacations, strongly suggesting that she wants sex to be part of them but when we go on vacation she seems to go out of her way to make sure a situation never arises when we might actually have sex.

I can't tell for sure what she is thinking and worry that its something she dislikes but is just doing for me.   The OP may be in a similar situation where his wife's words don't seen to match how she behaves.

I would like to hear the OP's  answer.  

[nanogretchen4]

Your mental and physical health and well being are more important than any relationship. You have to eat. You don't have to remain married. The best outcome might well be as amicable a divorce as possible. Asexuality is fairly rare. It's unlikely that the next person you date will be asexual, especially now that you know to bring up the topic of sexual orientation within the first few dates and stop dating anyone who is not ready to come out before starting a relationship.

[Philip027]

44 minutes ago, uhtred said:

He may be worried that she hasn't really told him how she feels.   I know that for my wife, she says she enjoys sex - but her behavior suggests otherwise. I think she wants to want sex, but doesn't actually want it.  Will set up romantic vacations, strongly suggesting that she wants sex to be part of them but when we go on vacation she seems to go out of her way to make sure a situation never arises when we might actually have sex.

I can't tell for sure what she is thinking and worry that its something she dislikes but is just doing for me.   The OP may be in a similar situation where his wife's words don't seen to match how she behaves.

Enjoying something and wanting something isn't necessarily the same thing.  I can enjoy sex, but as an asexual, I still won't ever really want it.  I'd stop calling myself asexual if I did.

 

I'm mainly pointing this out to try to absolve you from the responsibility of worrying about the bolded statement.  She may very well like/enjoy it, but if she is asexual, it's still not something that's going to come naturally or be at the forefront of her mind.  And even if she didn't, she told you that she does, so the responsibility here would fall on her for lying to you, not on you for not being able to see through the lie.  It isn't up to us to be mind readers.

[nanogretchen4]

Maybe she's telling the truth about enjoying sex and maybe she's not. If she's known she was asexual for three years and has been questioning her orientation since before she ever met you over eight years ago, her track record for honestly communicating with you about her feelings is not great. Four years ago she went ahead and married you without ever having informed you that she had been questioning her sexual orientation the entire time she had been with you. It would be ridiculously naive to accept whatever she tells you now without question. Don't let anyone shame you for having trouble fully trusting her now.

[Traveler89]

On 12/1/2022 at 4:31 AM, SN90 said:

Hi folks,

 

My husband is not interested in sexual connection. I want help in understanding why:
1. He doesn't associate sexual activity with feelings of love
2. He isn't interested in foreplay, any experimentation in sexual activity
3. He doesn't feel the need to have sexual activity more than once or twice a month (Only if he environment at home and his work is ideal)

4. Initially he wasn't even interested in kissing and making out in general either. That used to be a mechanical activity as well.

 

We've been together for 3 years. And married for 2 years now. 

Yes, we have openly discussed this issue multiple times over the past years.

 

He has almost always responded with statements like:

1. Why is sex so important for you?

2.  If this was so important to you, you shouldn't have married me

3. This is not a big problem. You are a sex crazed person (For wanting to do it once or twice a week)

4. I don't like any experimentation. It makes me very uncomfortable. (He wants to do it like a rehearsed act, in particular way, with same steps, in the same place)

 

What are the next steps for me to understand this and get the same understanding to my husband?

Hi SN90 I’ve been there. Your description of lack of interest in foreplay or even kissing and making out was very reminiscent of my past relationship. I was also accused of wanting sex too much even though we never had it more than once a year, then not at all for the last 5. Im sorry to say that there’s only one way to understand this, he’s not capable of fulfilling your physical and as a result, emotional needs. I stayed in my relationship for 13 years, and we had lots of good times, but I never had the feeling that I was sleeping with the person who made me feel whole. I thought it might be my shortcomings at first, then that persisted over the years that it was me and I can learn to live with this. But it continued to eat away at me until I couldn’t stand it anymore. We broke up 6 months ago and I’m still recovering. 
 

In order to have understanding, you’ll both need to commit to some sort of compromise. There has to be a give and take from both of you and a commitment to the process in order to continue and stay in a loving relationship. 

[Mister S]

10 hours ago, MDswife said:

Hi All. I have been on the site going through tons and tons of posts about how to compromise and how to deal with all of this. My wife just came out to me a month ago. We are married 4 years together a total of 8. I am a very sexual and she says she has realized she is asexual. Known about 3 years. She questioned it but wasnt sure before we ever met. All this to say I feel extremely betrayed by the not telling me since she realized it or even that she questioned it before we even met. I feel like I am so invested now that I dont ever want to be without her. We are in therapy and have been. We are in the process now of deciding if we can compromise with eachother- which I have been compromising fkr years bc of her not wanting sex. How do I deal with the idea that if she willingly compromises - I would feel guilty now knowing she doesnt desire sex. She said the act is pleasurable and she has always enjoyed it but just wouldnt care if it ever happened again or not. I have lost 40 lbs since I found out and it has caused me extreme anxiety not to mention most days I dont have any nutrition aside from coffee- my nerves are shot and I feel so very betrayed. Any help anyone can give would be so appreciated. I dont want to lose her but I dont know if I can be celibate and I dont know how to not feel guilty even if she says she enjoys the act of sex. Any ideas on other ways of intimacy<aside from anything sexual> would be amazing also. 

MDswife, I'm at roughly the same timeline with my wife as you are with yours. She too started making these connections about herself about a year or so into our marriage. It's hard. It makes you question your own worth and it makes you second guess every sexual interaction that you've had or will have. These feelings are common and a part of the process, but it seems to me that you might have a saving grace here: your wife is attempting to be honest and straightforward with you. It seems like she enjoys the act of being with you, even if sex isn't something she would seek out on her own. I would try to take her statements at face value and try not to second guess them unless you have really good cause to suspect that she's fibbing. 

 

That being said, please take care of yourself OP. Not eating will actively hurt any attempts you make at trying to understand your wife's position and it's not going to change her sexual orientation into desiring you in the way that you hope.

 

I don't how not to feel guilty either, but on the occasions when my wife tries to meet me at my needs, I take it as an act of ultimate love and care. She has made herself as vulnerable as she can for me, and I'm humbled by that. Guilt still creeps up, but I think the solution is to talk more about these feelings with our ace spouses and partners, because more than likely they will dispel that guilt with their truth. 

 

As for practical nonsexual exercises of intimacy, cuddling, conversations with the world shut out, listening to music together, and exercising together can sustain the emotional bonds that you share. It probably won't scratch that particular itch that we sexuals tend to miss, but it's healthy for our relationships nonetheless.

[MDswife]

On 12/18/2022 at 12:43 AM, Sally said:

She hasn't apparently asked you to be celibate.  She has told you that she enjoys it.  Why not simply believe her?

She has said her ideal situation would be for me to be celibate. She has said she has to put herself aside and it causes her too much pain to do so <from unrelated things> so she cant compromise currently.

[asexuallyfrusterated]

On 12/15/2022 at 10:53 PM, Mountain House said:

Changing a relationship to an open relationship isn't a compromise in the relationship, it is a fundamentally different kind of relationship. Someone who thinks they are 'compromising' in this way is generally under duress and that's a formula for insecurity, resentment, and pain. They usually fail.

 

Celibacy is a relationship compromise. Some here have done so with success.

 

Many here, when looking at the options available, realize that celibacy isn't an option for them. It's how most end up in this forum.

 

Coming anywhere close to the conversation you are looking for?

Yes it is. Thank you

 

[Itsamemario]

I’m glad there is a community out there.

 

Apologies I’m just going to rant for a bit I’ve never discussed this. 

 

I think I’m sexual but have only ever been in a relationship with someone who is somewhere on the asexual spectrum. We got together when we were teenagers and it’s been over a decade, and we are now married - which I did mostly so we could work overseas, but also despite knowing that we were dedicated to each other and a sex life and children was not part of the companionship we would have, it just seemed settled at that point.
 

honestly, I don’t know what my partner is, and sometimes I joke with them that they’re asexual and they kind of accept the joke. I kind of wish he had these concepts earlier and there was more awareness so it could be thought about more clearly at a younger age.

 

I guess I was always hopeful, because I was always able to attract them and turn them on, but they also seemed deeply uninterested in my own sexuality. It’s hard to explain, for me it was enough because it can be thrilling to be able to please your partner and know them on a psychosexual level, but they definitely would never want sex and while they were keen to masturbate, they were put off or just kind of bored by the prospect of having to do anything that required more effort or explore any of the things that might please me. And It was kind of their way or the highway, as they would just rapidly loose interest if I expressed specific desires or I wanted to try and masturbate and not focus on them. 
 

it sounds pretty stark when I put it like that, but the sexual preference was always obscured by pretty dire mental health issues they always had that just made me grateful they were alive and I could help. I always felt like if I allowed this person to feel stable and loved there would be some sexual reciprocation or effort, and we would get to a more equal place (I kind of made peace with the fact we would never have sex, but I hoped we could involve eachother more and make it a kind of fantasy-kink of mine, as mentally thinking about it helps me experience arousal).

 

And although it can feel powerful and enticing to eventually know your partner, and their mind and body, likes and dislikes, so well and know that they find you attractive, at some point I feel like I’m just a masturbatory stimulus behind some kind of screen. And I just feel very unknown, in and for myself. And the hard fact is you cannot teach someone how to get pleasure in getting someone else off if it just doesn’t appeal to them. 

 

This is also just useless speculating about the past, as my husband has been on antidepressants that have been very effective but also removed all attraction and arousal. He is still romantically sort of fixated on me annd affectionate and attentive, but hasn’t initiated anything sexual since the medication.
 

They have changed careers, mentally matured, and have a therapist who has been helpful, so things have improved massively. But now I feel a little lost honestly, now they are kind of more safe. But also, i know there is a lot of gender dysphoria behind this possibly, but they refuse to talk to their therapist about it, and try to assure me that it was just a phase, and I try to believe them but can also see someone hiding behind skill and success and a mostly asexual existence so they don’t have to face this.

 

and for me, not sure what I do. Just continue as before, mildly curious about what my sexuality would be if I could explore it more in an interactive way. We cannot have an open relationship I think, because I suspect I would need romance and love to make physical things worthwhile. It’s either my sexual preference or I’m just too inexperienced to handle a very casual fling. And it doesn’t seem fair to have an open relationship as I really wouldn’t trust them if they pursued that.

 

it’s just kind of sad that I kind of accidentally joined a nunnery, though there were choices made the whole way. But I’m kind of at the end of the road now, and yeah it’s a loving caring asexual place. And I sort of wish I could have some memories of a sexual relationship, or some magically uncomplicated gap year from it all. My partner says it’s all fine and just wants me to be happy more often. They don’t feel up to working things out with a couples therapist, as for them it isn’t a problem, and they have to keep up with their own therapy. As a compromise he said maybe in five years, which sound silly almost, but they’re being very honest. 

 

When we were younger we broke up a few times (mostly because of his mental health related behaviour) and I could feel myself desperate to learn to be interactive from someone else, but it was always impossible to feel attracted when my heart was elsewhere. But now I’m kind of terrified of attraction and feel like I’m actively shutting that part of myself down, loosing some of my personality, it’s like I’m worried that I might meet someone who accidentally starts a fire and I could loose the person I love. I shouldn’t really worry so much, nobody has ever really hit on me. (Incoming Random self flattering complaint, I need some self esteem) guys don’t hit on me they just used to ask if I am a model, or now if I ever used to model. It’s bizarre, as I am far from the basic requirements, but also it’s so unappealing - like people dotted throughout your life asking if you were ‘professionally thin’. Hopefully nobody else approaches me with a better opener, because if there was mutual attraction I think I would consider it - but only if I could keep the relationship I have that is so fulfilling and special in other ways. 

[Latestarter]

I’m so sorry that you feel so sad.  I can’t offer any advice that you haven’t already thought through yourself.  It must be extremely difficult to feel that you are unable to live the life you think you want (if that makes sense).  

[Olallieberry]

12 hours ago, Itsamemario said:

As a compromise he said maybe in five years, which sound silly almost, but they’re being very honest. 

They might be being honest, but they aren't very well informed about the future.

 

What if you wait five years and they still don't want sex or to work on figuring it out?

 

It sounds to me like their plan is to do nothing about it for five years and "just see."

 

It's pretty unlikely that it's "just a phase." It could be, but... This site is full of stories from aces themselves and from partners of aces or likely aces who won't identify as such, and the phase so often never ends, and so often neither does the disconnect with the sexual partner. The absence of sympathy or of willingness to take the sexual partner seriously.

 

I'm not saying that the disconnect or the unwillingness is always what happens. Sometimes the ace partner does have a moment of clarity and then proceed openly and honestly about the relationship. But even when that is how it goes, they're still asexual, right?

 

You said you're at the end of the road now. And you're very young, you have decades of fertility ahead of you and even more decades of potentially sexual adulthood, potentially rewarding relationship time.

 

I'm not trying to break you up. I get that you love this person.

 

Love is very hard. I have left a relationship because I couldn't give them what they wanted and needed. That wasn't about sex, it was about other things, I was a drug addict at the time. She was the best partner I had ever had (at that time) and was everything I hoped for and wanted, and I left for her sake. The reason I talk about this is, if I was willing to give up a love which gave me everything I wanted and needed, and I did it out of love for the other partner, then I'm pretty damn sure that I would leave a relationship where I was not getting needs met and didn't have that kind of love for the partner.

 

You sound so wistful talking about the romance you want and the opportunities for experience which you want.

 

I don't know. Like I said, you're still young. Maybe give them the five years, and if you still want more and aren't getting it, then maybe that will be the time to make a decision.

 

Or maybe don't, and make a decision sooner than that.

 

12 hours ago, Itsamemario said:

 

I think I’m sexual but have only ever been in a relationship with someone who is somewhere on the asexual spectrum.

I don't think this is even entirely about asexuality/sexuality. There are clearly other things besides just sex which you are missing and not getting.

 

I mean, just for starters, what about the fact that your spouse doesn't want to work with you on this, with or without a therapist, because it's not a problem for them? That is an absolute rejection. You said it feels like a rejection, and that's exactly what it is. You've expressed a need and you've been denied, period. If there are bigger reasons beyond simply "it's not a problem for me," regarding why your spouse won't work on this with you, with or without a therapist, then maybe that's forgivable, but not if they won't even show you what those reasons are.

 

So I suppose another possibility will be to try what a lot of us mis-matched partners in this community have tried, and that is to put effort into strengthening the intimacy, availability and connection in the relationship, in ways which don't depend on sex acts. This is a huge undertaking and means you and your partner would both have to be willing to be extremely vulnerable, honest and curious with each other in order to really clearly show each other your feelings and needs and to explore acts which bring you together.

 

It could turn out to be very worth it - it has been in my own marriage today. But it might also turn out to still not be enough - in my relationship this still remains to be seen.

 

I don't have five years to just do nothing and wait and see.

[Itsamemario]

Apologies, it’s actually really frightening and strange writing things into a comment section that I have never been able to discuss with friends or family, because it’s too intimate. I’m having some kind of flight-fight chemical stress response I think. I’m just gonna keep rambling in a general response to your comment.
 

I think some of my resentment is coming through in the way I worded things earlier, but it can feel good to be blunt for once. My partner is generally incredibly romantic, constantly affectionate and intimate, just not in a sexual way. And I’m kind of missing something I’ve never really had, in a sense, and might not even want, I just don’t know. Looking back on it, he has tried many times and failed at pushing his sexual boundaries and empathy - and from the early days in our dating life he confided that he really wasn’t ready to have sex, and that just never changed. 
 

Honestly, he’s so affectionate sometimes that there’s too much intimacy and I just want to put the shopping away without a long loving greeting.
 

I’ve managed to be celibate my whole life so far, so I can see how it doesn’t seem like the highest priority to him, especially when he’s really just getting himself together mentally and has made such headway. I agree with him that additional therapy would be a lot to handle frankly, and for me that means I would really have to think what I want out of it or it would possibly be a waste of time, I can’t just hope a professional can do all the work.
 

probably, in a constructed safe space, I would want to magnify the issue of my own sexual exploration and the reality of his boundaries. I would want to, really safely and strategically, discuss an open relationship of some kind (as impossible as it seems for me to find a similar connection and anyone willing to deal with a tricky situation, I could only open my mind up to it if I had his support, like basically any area of my life). And if he really cannot handle that, it would be good to have thought about it thoroughly - because the obvious instinctual reaction is to say absolutely not. Also I’m not sure if it’s what I need either.

 

Also, some things have been more recent and seem temporary with the antidepressants, which have made things harder for me, but the time flies by for him, with whatever stress his sexuality gave him having dissolved.

 

We both do not want kids, so I’m not too worried about loosing a chance. this is really about preserving a relationship that deep down I know is not exchangeable, emotionally or intellectually, with another. I tried breaking up with him many times, but it never stuck due to that connection. Something I don’t think I would want to risk even for sexual exploration of some kind.

 

I guess if I could somehow find out if I can have safe, simple, more shallow feeling of attraction for other people, that would make me more aware of what is possible.

[Olallieberry]

10 minutes ago, Itsamemario said:

Apologies, it’s actually really frightening and strange writing things into a comment section that I have never been able to discuss with friends or family, because it’s too intimate. I’m having some kind of flight-fight chemical stress response I think. I’m just gonna keep rambling in a general response to your comment.

I'm just glad you found a place to share

[Itsamemario]

I think also some things that might be newly missing is the intense admiration and esteem that comes from a sexual connection (even an asymmetrical, one way experience that I’ve had). Do I really want a sexual affair or do I want some kind of excitement and validation that came with it. 

[Latestarter]

11 hours ago, Ollie415 said:

I'm just glad you found a place to share

I agree with this. It doesn’t matter how much you write as long as it helps you.  You sound more settled today than you did in your first post so perhaps you need to keep on venting as it can help you balance your feelings.  There’s always someone listen even if you don’t need a response.

[Allo-Husband]

I need a second opinion and I don't know anyone else who's ace in my real life other than my wife. You can read my post history for backstory or just carry on.

 

We have had a once a week schedule for building relationship intimacy over the past year and this is pretty flexible but basically it is exactly what it sounds like, a scheduled time where sex can happen each week, thereby removing any assumptions, guilt or pressure for it to occur any other time. About every other week it just ends up being drinks out when I'm in a good place. Since relationship building through physical intimacy is not only about sex, we try to make sex a side gig and focus on other elements we both need and enjoy (cuddling/kissing/bdsm) primarily.

 

Lately my wife has not been asking me for anything and while she says she's interested/engaged I've been getting body language that just says she's not interested. If today needs to be a nap day that's OK with me, but I guess I resent the fact that she doesn't check in with (at the time) or later to see how I'm doing.

 

Between this and dedicating a lot of time to other relationships (friends, work, etc) where I know she'd never pass on a scheduled meeting/date with others I'm just not feeling special/prioritized/cared for.

 

I let her know and figure we'll see what happens, but I wanted to reach out and ask if you have any advice?

• Is it your experience that Ace partners continue to change over time?
• What makes you feel special or cared for in the relationship?
• She's busy with work and school (career change) I'm trying to take my own insecurity off her emotional plate but its hard. Any advice on that front?

 

Physical intimacy is not a love language she has a gift for and part of the weekly thing is focusing on deep intimacy so I'm not driving her crazy the rest of the week asking for cuddles and getting in the way of her self care.

 

P.S. As I was writing this I realized part of my insecurity is that she's opting out of relationship time to do her own thing, not suggesting WE do something different. An important distinction I guess, at least to my subconscious.

[CincinnatiAsexual]

@Allo-HusbandI identify as asexual, and though my wife does not, she has been able meet me halfway by doing something similar to what you have referenced. Basically a schedule, so that we both know when to expect physical intimacy. 

 

If your wife is not sticking to the schedule so to speak, you may want to ask her if something changed. I don't want to say that she has to stick to the schedule, because forced intimacy would not help, but I do think it would be helpful if she noted that the schedule is too frequent. Perhaps if you mentioned that what you were envisioning with the schedule isn't what is occurring, she would have an opportunity to let you know if the schedule isn't panning out like she expected either.

 

I know sometimes life gets in the way and my wife and I are too tired for physical intimacy to be ideal. We adjust and the schedule isn't adhered to as strictly while we're overwhelmed with whatever is happening that day/that week. Also, my wife and I can't jam our lives with social engagements (friends, family) and expect our physical intimacy to never skip a beat. You as a couple may be different, but that is where we are. 

[Olallieberry]

2 hours ago, Allo-Husband said:

Is it your experience that Ace partners continue to change over time?

What's changing? Is the person changing or are her priorities and commitments changing?

 

2 hours ago, Allo-Husband said:

What makes you feel special or cared for in the relationship?

Attention, listening, physical connection. Being taken seriously.

 

2 hours ago, Allo-Husband said:

She's busy with work and school (career change) I'm trying to take my own insecurity off her emotional plate but its hard. Any advice on that front?

Security in your own truth, communication, and generosity.

 

Security: You don't sound emotionally insecure to me, you sound like you're having a perfectly reasonable reaction to unmet agreements. Also find ways to provide security and reinforce to her that you're committed to each other.

 

Communication: She has to hear from you that you're missing what your weekly thing was supposed to be for, and that it's not less important to you now than it was at the beginning. And that it's not less important to you than her business is to her. 

 

Talk out loud about that "body language." Make her use words. Use words yourself. Listen to her words when she gets them out there. Tell her about what you think you're sensing, and give her the opportunity to: 1. feel seen. 2, explain it to you. 3, correct you if your perceptions really happen to just be wrong.

 

Generosity: While you're doing all this communicating, find out what's in it for her. Don't just try to figure it out by thinking about it: Ask her. What does she need, what would she like help with, how can you contribute? What unmet needs does she have which you can step up to? Maybe put this one first so she knows up front that when she hears your complaints, you aren't just making it all about you, but trying to make it about the plural "you".