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Sexual Compromise & Support


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10 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

It's just a feeling. I know where it comes from, I know what triggers it, I know why I allow it, and it moves along when I remind myself.

This feels about right. I'm moving along from it but it's been a sad couple of days.

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Mountain House

I tell my wife I'm having a moment. It used to make her feel guilty, but we've worked through that. I get extra cuddles and holding and that helps.

 

Her seeing me work these moments has really helped her understand that this is really a part of me.

 

She has offered to avoid activities/situations that cause these moments. I forbid she do that. The point is to redefine intimacy for us. She has her work I have mine. And this is mine.

 

She's doing great and for the most part I am too. When we started this, I could hardly cuddle against her when in bed but now that's a super common thing for us.

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On 11/13/2022 at 3:01 PM, Traveler40 said:

Interesting turn of events. It seems good to try intimacy with him without making firm decisions. I only say this as the further I was into celibacy with my ace, the less I wanted to connect in that way with him. Try not to lose that if the desire is there.

 

You should delve into feelings all around on ENM as a touch base since it’s all new anyhow. These changes are happening quickly and his experiences are not yours in these decisions. You two seem to be able to communicate generally well so that’s a plus. 

 

Your post made me look inward. If my husband ever decided ENM was no longer working as a viable alternative to me being celibate, I would move towards divorce. It’s so far beyond sex. It’s majority aspects of my fulfillment in life at stake. 
 

This is not a comfortable position to be in. Sometimes I wonder if he feels there is no choice. (Which, of course, there is.) Deep down I know his preference would be that I opt for a life sentence of celibacy. By nature, he fails to grasp the importance of sex. Sex, for sexuals, is merely a starting line to a million critical connections.
 

I don’t recall my feelings during the celibate years. Thinking back, a numbness had settled in across time. In that state, flushing another year was not much of a thought. Life slipped quickly and “What’s another year” seemed minor. Nowadays, having crossed to the other side, it’s everything to me.

 

One last thought that came to mind was a book by Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!:  “The waiting place” is so dark. Many opting for celibacy live in the waiting place. My fear is having our kids end up in that space. Having lived it, I don’t want them stuck there - ever. 

im not sure now if my previous post about compromise with my asexual husband was wishful thinking or some desire for more sex generally…

i know you used to have a once a week arrangement @Traveler40

i might be able to have that at some point in the future but currently my new partner’s son has just had an operation for cancer and he is needed at home where he takes care of his 2 children alone.

if it were once a week could it be enough?  im finding myself wondering now if i need multiple partners… this is not a great situation… and also out of my control 

im finding myself feeling much like i did with celibacy i’ve met my new partner 6x in total… 3x for sex and this is over the course of almost 3 months 

 

my husband and i haven’t discussed multiple partners to any great extent and also not in this context but i don’t think he’d be happy 

 

my poly partner has been in poly relationships before and may be open to it if safety could be considered 

 

i don’t even know if i want that … but currently i have the time and energy which means nothing really that much on its own

 

the million critical connections you mention are in a small but significant  form happening slowly but it’s just i still need more

 

this is hard to explain 

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7 hours ago, marius123 said:

I'm finding this in my relationship at the moment. We don't communicate well about this but the last argument about it was that she'd "rather not", a few months back. It seemed to draw a little line in the sand / a little barrier.

 

In some ways it's been helpful, a realisation that it's not going to happen any more. I was sort of content with this for the time being with the intention of re-evaluating it maybe next year or the year after and deciding what to do for me.

 

Last few days I've been particularly frustrated and I've felt the 'hope' again that something might happen. Time away from the kids, opportunities we don't always have etc. Obviously nothing happened, I didn't raise it for fear of more arguments and upset and I feel a bit crap about the whole thing again.

 

All my fault for not tackling things properly I know ☹️

 

it’s not your fault for not tackling things properly 

i don’t know your full situation xxxx

are you fully committed to a celibate relationship with your wife?

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10 hours ago, kamel said:

i know you used to have a once a week arrangement

That morphed long ago. Sometimes it’s more, sometimes it’s less. We are fluid now and connect intimately where and when we can. It’s not always easy, and sometimes I’m left waiting and wanting.

 

Point in case:  Friday night, we hung out with our eldest then my husband came home. The family, all 5 of us, spent the evening together. That requires we be purely platonic. The lack of room for any intimacy is maddening at times, but I love watching everyone together.
 

You can’t always get what you want, but if you try you’ll find you get what you need.” comes to mind. 

 

10 hours ago, kamel said:

if it were once a week could it be enough?

Only you can know. How many, how often.
We are all different.

 

I’m driven sexually to seek the connection of souls. My fulfillment is found in the fusion of my mind, body and heart with that of my lover’s. It only takes one, but we must go deep.

 

10 hours ago, kamel said:

but it’s just i still need more

Maybe you seek something that’s not sex based? Maybe you basically seek pure sex? These are conversations to have with your husband and therapist, but my overall thought is to have patience with yourself and keep working on it. You seem to be taking it slower which is also good. 

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An interjection from a longtime asexual who's had both a marriage and a longtime partnership, both with sexuals:

 

I feel sad for sexual partners attempting to design situations (vacations, "dates", times when children aren't present, special gifts to or chores done for partner) where sex might happen.  Being asexual -- i.e., not wanting/desiring sex -- doesn't depend upon a temporal situation.  We don't want sex, no matter what's happening or not happening.  All that planning produces is frustration by the sexual partner, and guilt/irritation by the asexual partner.   We feel like we are being pushed to be someone that we aren't, and that doesn't work any better than the sexual being pushed not to want sex.  

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He said he didn’t want us to stop having sex (it generally worried him because it’s supposed to be important) … and (in that abstract general sense) wanted me to initiate (didn’t want it to stop if/because he wasn’t going to initiate).

 

idk that’s just how it went for me. Ask what someone wants, I guess? If they want to be having sex, and if so, if they want you to initiate, and if so, what sorts of things are ok to try?

 

I pushed myself to learn how to be fine with it. I’m pretty explicit about initiating, while doing a lot of checking if it’s ok. it’s not subtle.

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8 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

it’s not subtle.

Funniest thing I’ve read all day. 
 

it’s right up there with our youngest asking our oldest, “What does ‘spiffy’ mean?” today. To which our oldest Googled, “stiffy” as that’s what they’d heard….

 

Oh, the hilarity that ensued. Priceless! 🤣

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@anisotrophic - I visit AVEN 100% of the time from my phone. Portrait. No idea why, but I flipped it landscape just now and saw all of the extra info I forgot is even included when you do that.

 

I could have asked your pronouns directly, but it never came up in conversation until recently.  In fact. I was all stoked you clarified when I used a gender specific pronoun. 
 

Hello? They are right there!  🙄  Too funny. I’ve now learned FtX as well. Got it. 
 

Note to self: flip landscape once in a blue moon. Haha
 

God, I’m ignorant. (Not proud!😕

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If you zoom out to 50% in portrait mode, at least on an iPhone, you also get the full site instead of mobile. I despise using my phone in landscape mode.

 

16 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Female 

USA

Heterosexual

 

 

🤔 I feel like that could use some flair.

Yeah get with it, that's so boring. :P 

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6 hours ago, Ceebs said:

If you zoom out to 50% in portrait mode

Mine doesn’t give me more when I do that. The world is out to get me….you know? 🤣. What am I missing?

 

6 hours ago, Ceebs said:

that's so boring.

Compared with:

 

Gender:Unladylike bitch.

Pronouns:Slut/whore/harlot/hussy.

Location:The North.

A/Sexuality:Failed bisexual. Not queer.

 

Understatement of the year! 😂. I’ll ruminate.

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7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

What am I missing?

Well, zoomed out to 50%... mostly, text so small that you're squinting at your screen lol. I don't actually use it that way most of the time.

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Also,

 

8 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Compared with:

 

Gender:Unladylike bitch.

Pronouns:Slut/whore/harlot/hussy.

Location:The North.

A/Sexuality:Failed bisexual. Not queer.

Yep I'm a person who chooses my words very carefully and intentionally. -_-😂

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🤚🏼 absentminded and haphazard when I’m on the fly.(which is much of the time these days) That’s a 180 from your carefully curated approach. 😂

 

You know I love emojis. As in ♥️. Recently, when it’s quiet, when *I* am quiet and still and I read back, I think, “Holy shit! Enough with the emojis”.   Then the insane thought vanishes. I’m keeping them. 
 

As for my pronouns: Still ruminating. They’re all pretty sweet at the moment tbh  haha

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On 11/16/2022 at 1:25 PM, Traveler40 said:

absentminded and haphazard

Oh honestly that's me with most highly practical things in life. I relegate my precision and caution and all that to things that don't really matter that much. 😂 

 

On 11/16/2022 at 1:25 PM, Traveler40 said:

You know I love emojis. As in ♥️. Recently, when it’s quiet, when *I* am quiet and still and I read back, I think, “Holy shit! Enough with the emojis”.   Then the insane thought vanishes. I’m keeping them.

I was a right curmudgeon about it when they started being A Thing, maybe a little over a decade ago. Thought they were silly and refused to use them. I'm much more liberal about emojis now lol, and I've got Tele using them in certain contexts...
 

This is a standard goodnight for us and no I'm not explaining the significance of pooing hedgehogs and toilet paper, the lobster, or the octopus (but it's nothing filthy, it's all disgustingly wholesome really). The tree is just seasonal because I love Christmas.

 

E77-E17-EA-9-BB9-402-D-843-A-7-B926-B4-F

 

We are middle-aged grownups. -_- And god I love ruining his reputation so much lol.

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StarryNightAllAlone
45 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

This is a standard goodnight for us and no I'm not explaining the significance of pooing hedgehogs and toilet paper, the lobster, or the octopus (but it's nothing filthy, it's all disgustingly wholesome really). The tree is just seasonal because I love Christmas.

 

E77-E17-EA-9-BB9-402-D-843-A-7-B926-B4-F

 

We are middle-aged grownups. -_- And god I love ruining his reputation so much lol.

You're so weird, and I love it. You're an inspiration to us all, Ceebs. You're so cool.

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17 minutes ago, StarryNightAllAlone said:

You're so weird, and I love it.

😂😂😂 I show about a tenth of my true weirdness on here, I think. Maybe a quarter? How does one estimate that, even...

 

And thank you lol. Tele says the same thing. I sent him this the other day because it reminded me of us.

 

11-C2-F74-A-292-B-4-FCD-A1-C5-7-A7-A7663

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This is basically what a significant chunk of my phone message history with my spouse looks like, so... I get it.

 

usagyuuun.jpg

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@Philip027 Damn, it's my turn to post some rainbow vomit for once. 😂

 

meme-muntah-pelangi.gif

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Finally, I've made it!

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asexuallyfrusterated

What is a compromise in two completely different brains. 

I'm the sexual f. She's asexual.and in it together 15 years. 

This is our only disagreement. 

She Just identified this year. 

But refuses to talk go to therapy compromise or communicate. 

It's either deal or don't. 

I tried the don't options,I ended up hospitalized. I'm trying the deal part. 

It's not going well and I have no one. 

Insert of my diary for today and last couple days since I've been here poking around for answers. .. 

----------------

Thoughts please. 

This is fuckin pointless. 
Reading, searching, learning, 
The only thing I can do at this point to actually SOLVE my delima is simply nothing.
There is no fix, there is no cure,. 
My brain is different from hers. 
I can't make my brain think like hers,and I can't make hers think like mine. 
Although the so-called literature says I will not die from lack of sex, I feel,
Expecially on days like today, 
My insides are just going to rip themselves out. 
Nauseous, won't dare eat. Have no interest in food. Uncontrollable crying and snotting all over myself. Non functional, sitting in chair just reading and crying, feeling sorry for myself. 
How many days are going to be like this. Where my heart feels like it's breaking. Or has broke. 
I want to understand. I really do. 
She seems just fine.
I am an emotional wreck as always. 
The difference this time around,as compared to all my other breakdowns is I have to suck it all up and shove it back in before I get home to her. I don't want to distress,or guilt her in any way. Since she gets so angry at just a mention of it, discussion is out of the question. 
So I have to pretend to be happy. 
And normal. 
I fuckin hate that word. 
What the hell does normal look like? 
Cause all I want to do is make sweet hot passionate love to my wife. 
And her activity for the evening. Facebook. Every evening. 
Every day. 
And tomorrow, if I can sleep,the rollercoaster of emotion starts ALL OVER AGAIN.

So if no sex don't kill me, I'll be back tomorrow to whine some more. Or perhaps I can find a better numbing agent. 

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@asexuallyfrusterated This situation sounds like it's become very dangerous for your mental (and possibly physical) health. No relationship is worth risking your complete psychological destruction. Love isn't always enough to make something work.

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My wife is a-sexual.  I love her and she is my best friend.   The least amount of sex I can get by on is once per month.  Otherwise, I would have to make a change, which I dread.   We made a once a month sexual agreement.   It’s scheduled as date night.  So, once a month I try to make her as comfortable as possible with a wonderful evening.  I’m a better person by focusing on these date nights and we have had so many special moments.  But, unfortunately I can tell she feels pressured at times.  It breaks my heart.  Any suggestions?

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8 hours ago, NormalGuy said:

My wife is a-sexual.  I love her and she is my best friend.   The least amount of sex I can get by on is once per month.  Otherwise, I would have to make a change, which I dread.   We made a once a month sexual agreement.   It’s scheduled as date night.  So, once a month I try to make her as comfortable as possible with a wonderful evening.  I’m a better person by focusing on these date nights and we have had so many special moments.  But, unfortunately I can tell she feels pressured at times.  It breaks my heart.  Any suggestions?

How long have you been married and roughly how old are you.   As someone in their late 50s, married 30 years, i'll say that mismatches don't get better over time.

 

 

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fredduhurdyhurst
On 11/23/2022 at 9:21 PM, asexuallyfrusterated said:

What is a compromise in two completely different brains. 

I'm the sexual f. She's asexual.and in it together 15 years. 

This is our only disagreement. 

She Just identified this year. 

But refuses to talk go to therapy compromise or communicate. 

It's either deal or don't. 

I tried the don't options,I ended up hospitalized. I'm trying the deal part. 

It's not going well and I have no one. 

Insert of my diary for today and last couple days since I've been here poking around for answers. .. 

----------------

Thoughts please. 

This is fuckin pointless. 
Reading, searching, learning, 
The only thing I can do at this point to actually SOLVE my delima is simply nothing.
There is no fix, there is no cure,. 
My brain is different from hers. 
I can't make my brain think like hers,and I can't make hers think like mine. 
Although the so-called literature says I will not die from lack of sex, I feel,
Expecially on days like today, 
My insides are just going to rip themselves out. 
Nauseous, won't dare eat. Have no interest in food. Uncontrollable crying and snotting all over myself. Non functional, sitting in chair just reading and crying, feeling sorry for myself. 
How many days are going to be like this. Where my heart feels like it's breaking. Or has broke. 
I want to understand. I really do. 
She seems just fine.
I am an emotional wreck as always. 
The difference this time around,as compared to all my other breakdowns is I have to suck it all up and shove it back in before I get home to her. I don't want to distress,or guilt her in any way. Since she gets so angry at just a mention of it, discussion is out of the question. 
So I have to pretend to be happy. 
And normal. 
I fuckin hate that word. 
What the hell does normal look like? 
Cause all I want to do is make sweet hot passionate love to my wife. 
And her activity for the evening. Facebook. Every evening. 
Every day. 
And tomorrow, if I can sleep,the rollercoaster of emotion starts ALL OVER AGAIN.

So if no sex don't kill me, I'll be back tomorrow to whine some more. Or perhaps I can find a better numbing agent. 

This hits home. This is almost exactly my situation. Hope you're hanging in there. 

To me, the worst part is looking at her and having no idea what she sees as she's looking at me. A good friend, a roommate, a co-parent?

I have a girlfriend to the outside world, but I really miss having an actual girlfriend, you know? Our relationship dynamic has changed so much, where everything reminds me of what I can't have anymore.

 

Also, like you mentioned, it doesn't seem to affect her that much. She's of the take it or leave it persuasion. Talking about it is 100% of the time initiated by me and I feel the responsibility of working on our relationship lies solely with me.

 

Anyway, I know it sucks, but has nothing to do with you as a person. And it never hurts (but usually rather helps) to talk to someone about it. 

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asexuallyfrusterated

Yes, I'm still hanging in there. 

Rehomed some dogs over the weekend, I got them unexpectedly, and the whole ordeal, I reflected on. 

She didn't blow up and get angry with me for bringing them home, she worked with me on finding a solution for their potty ing. And as soon as we got back home from their new home, she was right there beside me on her hands and knees scrubbing the entire room floor so it didn't smell. (They were separated from other dogs. 

)

She's my wife,she's my rock she's my other half, . 

That's why I stay. 

Permeant. 

I just wish I could make her ugly so it isn't so hard to resist. 

Lol  

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On 11/28/2022 at 12:53 PM, asexuallyfrusterated said:

I just wish I could make her ugly so it isn't so hard to resist. 

I totally understand that's a joke, but I kinda suspect that unless she was so physically hideous that you couldn't even bear to look at her without feeling repulsed, you'd probably still want to have sex with her.


Kind of an aside from your main point, I know... but at least in my experience, when you really love someone, what they look like doesn't much influence whether you want to be intimate.

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