Jump to content

Sexual Compromise & Support


Recommended Posts

1 hour ago, Zman419 said:

If we tried ENM wouldnt all we really be doing is switching up who feels uncomfortable with aspects of the realtionship? Some people just arent built for open relationships 

 

Definitely extremely hard.

 

I need to be better at this. That being said, if shes uncomfortable with sexual touch shes uncomfortable with sexual touch. If shes uncomfortable with ENM then shes uncomfortable with ENM. Theres no amount of advocating for myself that will lead to her feeling more comfortable with these thing. All that could happen is shed let these things happen dispite her discomfort with it, which isnt good.

Exactly but why are you fretting about and feeling HER discomfort when you have your own?  How she deals with you seeking ENM as a solution MAY be workable for her IF SHE finds it in herself to agree that this avenue is the best solution to a very difficult problem.  
As it stands, she is apparently quite satisfied with the celibate state, which makes you miserable. You are accepting that option & your misery, over her discomfort.   BOTH of you should attempt the solutions at hand, and if not, separate ways but remain loving friends This approach ultimately may be an excellent option in the long run. 
BTW,  I am not personally a believer in nor do I even feel comfortable with the idea of nonmonogamy.  But there is a time to live in Realville, and I’ve arrived.  This is one of my choices, too.  
Good luck

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Zman419,

Compromise for me means that both partners get a little of what they don't want and a little of what they do want. So, for sex in a marriage it isn't ideal. Probably better for peace talks which would be so apt at the minute.

Celibacy for me as  a sexual is darn hard. Have read through on Buddhists monks and Catholic clergy, even they have a hard time coping.

I'll tell you my story even though I doubt it'll help.

Hubby didn't know why he wasn't into sex and went into therapy to try and sort it out. I got on with life, felt distressed but knew he was my man. 

I could easily have fulfilled my sexual needs elsewhere, but I lived in hope. After all he was seemingly making an effort and I knew he was the one.

A very long time passed and I discovered Aven. I now know there is no hope, so it's up to me.

My husband would happily turn a blind eye if I were to entertain a sexual relationship elsewhere. But being post menopausal I've lost interest. 

We're a lot closer now that asexuality is out in the open and I've been doing a lot of introspection about what matters most to me.

Were I ten, fifteen, twenty years younger my mind set would be different, but I'm where I am right now.

So for me, being with my husband matters. My sexual desire has dwindled and I'm adjusting to knowing that if I want sex it won't be with him.

I don't think it's a compromise, but rather an acceptance of reality. 

What I've found in my quest is that it's sometimes really not about sex at all.  Before finding Aven, I'd tell myself why me? Am I the only one?

But little by little I'm actually putting a stop to those thoughts and focussing a lot more on the haves.

The important thing for me is knowing that it's my choice.

Good luck in your pursuit.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

@Zman419

you sound like a very caring partner which is admirable & very desirable for a loving relationship.  You also sound like a caretaker- you are focused on her feelings and meeting her needs, to the detriment of your own. If she decides ENM is not an option for her( she should be clear & certain about this, not you) then what options would she accept?  Besides celibacy of course, which you’ve tried and can’t do anymore.  You should not feel guilty for this, anymore than she should feel guilt over not having a sexual relationship with you.  This is how you both are internally wired and can not change.  Accept it, own it, this is who you are. 
  Is parting ways if you aren’t married( or in a totally committed arrangement, legally) really so difficult?  I’m not saying you stop LOVING her- love will (maybe) always be there, just not in the form you ultimately require for your peace of mind & happiness.  Remaining in a romantic relationship doesn’t sound feasible for the long term and seeking a more compatible romantic partner will be the easiest and least painful approach for both of you. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/13/2022 at 10:14 AM, Zman419 said:

im hoping for some kind of creative solution i mean im hoping for a form of comprpmise i just havent thought up yet.

I suppose what’s so unsettling about your case, beyond the fact that the answer is obvious and you refuse to accept it, is that some of us who have lived your story like to think we would have made different choices.
 

We fully understand your situation. However, watching you loop across the past year or so is proof that false hope is like a drug. That’s uncomfortable to watch with understanding  - at least for me. 

 

It also strikes me how decades after AVEN was birthed and the countless folks who have graced these pages with insights, there’s this idea that somehow what’s recently learned to the newly enlightened is somehow novel. 
 

I was probably like that as well when the realizations were hitting. As if I had or could find some answer, some nugget someone hadn’t thought of. I would contribute and conquer and educate 💪🏼. ahem, 🤦🏻‍♀️😬
 

Self discovery in real time is rough, but I’d like to say that many here have lived this path. It makes sense to listen to the advice sought and received. It may help you in ways yet anticipated. At least. I sincerely hope so.
 

Although, I also keep thinking, “You can lead a horse to water…” , and  “There are so many fish in the sea.” plus more trite, but true platitudes. Gifting insight to those who won’t open their eyes is impossible.
 

Anyhow, carry on. We all get to blaze our own paths. Make yours better.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/13/2022 at 6:14 PM, Zman419 said:

Thats true. All the solutions possible boil down to Celibacy, compromise, open relationship or break up. I guess when i say im hoping for some kind of creative solution i mean im hoping for a form of comprpmise i just havent thought up yet.

Zman419,

I do believe that you need to take your age, your feelings for your wife, your sexual desire towards her and others into account. For example, after a quarter century of no sex with hubby I really don't know what I'd do if suddenly by magic he were sexual.

Here's where I'm at at the moment. Don't know if it helps.

I've been thinking a lot about why I turned a blind eye to all the red flags early on my relationship. 

 Granted I didn't know asexuality existed but there were definite signs that hubby was not into sex.

I laugh now, thinking about the fact that I used to think things could only get better.

Something I wouldn't have expected with other traits or behaviors. I.e I thought you accepted each other for what you/they are. Yet, on this point I simply thought the contrary.

The other fleeting thought is, just if we had been sexually compatible would I be seeking other deficits? Are we simply wired to seek more than we have? ( Have done a lot of reading on the body's chemistry and reward system which has been quite fun).

Both these thoughts are pretty sterile nothing can come of them bar from making me focus on why I was so attracted to my husband and whether there is other stuff going on other than sexual incompatibility. ( We're still sweeping away all the negative stuff the wrong therapy and the not knowing has done. The slate is still not completely clean).

At the beginning of my journey on Aven I thought sex was a need. I've since learnt it isn't. We don't die from lack of sex but for a sexual person brought up in western culture it's difficult to comprehend.

I'm slowly getting my head around this fact ( not a need) as well as getting a better understanding about how we, as individuals, play out our roles within society's template.

If I consider a mindset where sex is a need  and the fact that I'm married to an asexual the outcome is a given. 

However, if sex is indeed not a need and asexuality really does exist then a totally different discourse can take place.

The awakening phase about asexuality was shocking. Had I acted upon it there and then I would have probably fallen off a cliff. What I'm coming to realise is that there are many more ways of living life by opening my mind up to possibilities/experiences/ways of thinking which would otherwise not have been thinkable for me.

Time i.e age, experience and knowledge are the three main ingredients for me here.

Age and experience have taught me that desires and expectations change. They've also taught me what I'm most attracted to and how rare my finds are. (Quite the opposite of my food preferences. I'm an omnivore who'll give most things a try).

Knowing about asexuality and learning about my own current sexuality is also teaching me how to extrapolate the emotions and joys that I wanted from sex and savour them in different ways.

NB I'm not saying sex is replaceable. I'm talking here about my experience, at this given point in my journey.

So that's where I'm at at the moment.


 

Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, Astutusdomina said:

Zman419,

I do believe that you need to take your age, your feelings for your wife, your sexual desire towards her and others into account. For example, after a quarter century of no sex with hubby I really don't know what I'd do if suddenly by magic he were sexual.

Here's where I'm at at the moment. Don't know if it helps.

I've been thinking a lot about why I turned a blind eye to all the red flags early on my relationship. 

 Granted I didn't know asexuality existed but there were definite signs that hubby was not into sex.

I laugh now, thinking about the fact that I used to think things could only get better.

Something I wouldn't have expected with other traits or behaviors. I.e I thought you accepted each other for what you/they are. Yet, on this point I simply thought the contrary.

The other fleeting thought is, just if we had been sexually compatible would I be seeking other deficits? Are we simply wired to seek more than we have? ( Have done a lot of reading on the body's chemistry and reward system which has been quite fun).

Both these thoughts are pretty sterile nothing can come of them bar from making me focus on why I was so attracted to my husband and whether there is other stuff going on other than sexual incompatibility. ( We're still sweeping away all the negative stuff the wrong therapy and the not knowing has done. The slate is still not completely clean).

At the beginning of my journey on Aven I thought sex was a need. I've since learnt it isn't. We don't die from lack of sex but for a sexual person brought up in western culture it's difficult to comprehend.

I'm slowly getting my head around this fact ( not a need) as well as getting a better understanding about how we, as individuals, play out our roles within society's template.

If I consider a mindset where sex is a need  and the fact that I'm married to an asexual the outcome is a given. 

However, if sex is indeed not a need and asexuality really does exist then a totally different discourse can take place.

The awakening phase about asexuality was shocking. Had I acted upon it there and then I would have probably fallen off a cliff. What I'm coming to realise is that there are many more ways of living life by opening my mind up to possibilities/experiences/ways of thinking which would otherwise not have been thinkable for me.

Time i.e age, experience and knowledge are the three main ingredients for me here.

Age and experience have taught me that desires and expectations change. They've also taught me what I'm most attracted to and how rare my finds are. (Quite the opposite of my food preferences. I'm an omnivore who'll give most things a try).

Knowing about asexuality and learning about my own current sexuality is also teaching me how to extrapolate the emotions and joys that I wanted from sex and savour them in different ways.

NB I'm not saying sex is replaceable. I'm talking here about my experience, at this given point in my journey.

So that's where I'm at at the moment.


 

So are you trying to say even the most hyper-sexual people can learn to be happy with celibacy with a mindset change?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope and assume she's just making that claim for herself, because no one can tell other people what they ought to be happy with and that they're capable of it if they just try hard enough.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

 Food, water, air…. Essential needs that we will die without.   Shelter, clothing & social interactions less essential but also necessary for most of us😃

Many things are important for our wellbeing.  

How to measure the essential qualities of a need?  I think these needs vary in importance for different people.  @Astutusdominamay be in a different stage of life than others here.    Since most of her essential & comfort needs are already met in her current relationship, she wants to find a way to decrease or eliminate her need for sexual interaction.    
I wish her success, but also recognize that for many this mental step isn’t possible.  I’ve tried to train myself for well over 20 yrs and celibacy is nevertheless not sustainable.  For me.

1 hour ago, Zman419 said:

So are you trying to say even the most hyper-sexual people can learn to be happy with celibacy with a mindset change?

Dont think that it’s just “hyper-sexual people” who struggle with celibacy. Rather a problem for all sorts of people who are naturally wired to be sexual creatures.  

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Zman419 said:

So are you trying to say even the most hyper-sexual people can learn to be happy with celibacy with a mindset change?

No, not at all. I think one needs to understand what place sex has in one's life at one's given point in one's life. I'm talking about what I know about myself so could be quite different for you. Also for me it's a question of what matters most and what I'm willing to sacrifice since something has got to give. Having it all would be great but if I can't I have to weigh the pros and cons and in order to that I need to a understand what my sexual desires are, beyond the physical urge, what I would have to be willing to do, what if anything I'd be giving up and/or gaining. What challenges I'd be prepared to face etc. I've kept it simple but I hope you get the drift.

Had I known about asexuality even 10 years ago my mindset would have been different. Asexuality was something totally foreign to me and not having that info has led me down a given path. I could have changed it without that knowledge but I didn't and now things are complicated. I say complicated but I mean it's a very long story which I'm still in the throws of unraveling.

Link to post
Share on other sites

By the way I'm not claiming that sex is not a need. Prior to reading about asexuality I would and probably still argue the contrary as the human race wouldn't exist without it. Also many religions ( for certain catholicism) will annul marriages if unconsummated. So I don't want to open a philosophical debate on which logical stance we're on. But the more literature I've read the more I have come across the assertion, which I understand Aven shares i.e. that sex is not a need. 

BY digging deeper you may find what sex is, even though it's an ongoing study.

I don't want to convince or claim that sex is not important, but if like me you're in a long term relationship it's worth weighing it all in lest you throw out the baby with the bath water.

I have done celibacy for 25 years because I'd hoped or perhaps I thought things would change then bang asexuality and now I'm trying to figure it out.

I Thank the people who have openly shared their stories which give me insight. However, even though our worries are the same our lives are different and we have to find our own paths. I'm still searching mine. It's been less than 6 months since I discovered Aven.

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

I hope and assume she's just making that claim for herself, because no one can tell other people what they ought to be happy with and that they're capable of it if they just try hard enough.

Ceebs not making that claim. Take care 💗

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mountain House
19 minutes ago, Astutusdomina said:

for me it's a question of what matters most

True for Everyone. Everywhere. In every walk of life. You are not special.

 

4 minutes ago, Astutusdomina said:

By the way I'm not claiming that sex is not a need.

But you said: 

 

On 3/15/2022 at 12:53 PM, Astutusdomina said:

I thought sex was a need. I've since learnt it isn't.

You are playing loose with semantics. Bordering on equivocation.

 

If I were to tell you that I need to sit one a beach for 1 week a year so I always plan a trip...

You could think to yourself that Mountain House needs a vacation at a beach once a year or you could think Mountain House is an idiot - air, food, water - those are needs.

 

11 minutes ago, Astutusdomina said:

I have come across the assertion, which I understand Aven shares i.e. that sex is not a need. 

First, I don't believe "Aven" has opinions. But again, are we mixing semantics here? Sex is a need if we consider the continuation of the species, sex is not a need for the function of my body (air, food, water, shelter, ...) but sex is a need for my mental health and well being.

 

Is it or is it not a need? (Hint, the answer is context sensitive.)

 

I understand where you are. I know your struggle. I hope for the best for you and whatever you choose but you seem to need validation via the choices and actions of others. If you were to convince me that sex is not a need, would you feel better about your choice?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, SusannaC said:

 Food, water, air…. Essential needs that we will die without.   Shelter, clothing & social interactions less essential but also necessary for most of us😃

Many things are important for our wellbeing.  

How to measure the essential qualities of a need?  I think these needs vary in importance for different people.  @Astutusdominamay be in a different stage of life than others here.    Since most of her essential & comfort needs are already met in her current relationship, she wants to find a way to decrease or eliminate her need for sexual interaction.    
I wish her success, but also recognize that for many this mental step isn’t possible.  I’ve tried to train myself for well over 20 yrs and celibacy is nevertheless not sustainable.  For me.

Dont think that it’s just “hyper-sexual people” who struggle with celibacy. Rather a problem for all sorts of people who are naturally wired to be sexual creatures.  

When I think of celibacy I think about the loss of pleasure.

What is pleasure?

There's an interesting podcast in touch with Ruby Rare which gives an example.

There's a negative in celibacy likewise there's a negative in non monogamy. Both words carry a minus, but while non monogamy means you have more i.e. poly, celibacy just carries a void.

More in today's western world is a plus. While less or none is definitely a minus.

When I met hubby I definitely thought of myself as someone who had a healthy sexual appetite. My previous experiences were very satisfying, pleasurable, playful, immaginitive...

Sex was a joy. My fantasies were wild and although there was always a gap between the two, sex was very gratifying and something I thought I couldn't live without.

When sex started to fizz out in my marriage we seemed both alarmed and we took to going to therapists. (Mainly my husband). 

During this time I imagined a stack of things such as he was gay, he no longer fancied me etc.

I knew I was still sexually attractive as I've always had advances and still sometimes do. During this time I even thought of paying a gigolo, but I am who I am, the previous sexual experiences taught me that pleasure for me is not terribly fun with one night stands, and I guess I am wired to have one partner at a time, preferably someone I'm head over heels with. My fantasies took me to orgies but reality did not. 

Obviously other than Aven and the therapists no one knows I am celibate. It was a lonely place. But rather lonely than unsafe.

When I found out about Aven wow, now that's a game changer.

I started to really think about what sex is for me now. Something I had stopped doing as I thought it was a given. And yes, I'm sure it's like riding a bike, but actually there's something in the saying if you don't use it you lose it. ( Haven't put it to the test but I know).

Now that my mind is free to embrace a lover I'm really not sure my body wants it anymore. Hang on, I'm not saying I'm asexual, just continuing my celibate state with less pain and weight on my mind. My lighter state is enabling me to seek and find pleasures in other things. I feel freer. But what will be will be. Who knows what I'll be thinking about tomorrow.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Mountain House said:

True for Everyone. Everywhere. In every walk of life. You are not special.

 

But you said: 

 

You are playing loose with semantics. Bordering on equivocation.

 

If I were to tell you that I need to sit one a beach for 1 week a year so I always plan a trip...

You could think to yourself that Mountain House needs a vacation at a beach once a year or you could think Mountain House is an idiot - air, food, water - those are needs.

 

First, I don't believe "Aven" has opinions. But again, are we mixing semantics here? Sex is a need if we consider the continuation of the species, sex is not a need for the function of my body (air, food, water, shelter, ...) but sex is a need for my mental health and well being.

 

Is it or is it not a need? (Hint, the answer is context sensitive.)

 

I understand where you are. I know your struggle. I hope for the best for you and whatever you choose but you seem to need validation via the choices and actions of others. If you were to convince me that sex is not a need, would you feel better about your choice?

Definitely not.

I'm not much into dialethism. Sorry I haven't kept a record of the articles.

As to Aven there is a thread so should have been more specific.

The point I'm trying to make is that if one digs deeper, beliefs we thought we had, due to our understanding of the world, can be completely overturned by a different understanding or different input. It takes a while for new information to sink in and as I'm not totally gullible I like to turn each stone. 

I'm trying to unhinge my previous beliefs. Something I suppose we all do whether one chooses to be celibate (as opposed to celibate but hopeful for change) or polyamorous. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
intheshadowoferos
2 hours ago, Astutusdomina said:

have done celibacy for 25 years because I'd hoped or perhaps I thought things would change then bang asexuality and now I'm trying to figure it out.

I Thank the people who have openly shared their stories which give me insight. However, even though our worries are the same our lives are different and we have to find our own paths. I'm still searching mine. It's been less than 6 months since I discovered Aven.

Right there with ya! My understanding, comfort, emotions, needs, today they say I can be celibate all my life. 
i don’t know if that will change, it may, it may not. But I know I love my partner, I know that no matter their orientation, comfort, desires… together we will navigate it. AVEN, and the language around identity and orientation has helped us to be able to discuss and adjust our relationship so that we are doing us, and we can say we no longer give a damn about societal expectations or assumptions.

our path is unique to us. It may not always be easy, or pretty, or look sustainable, but we will continue to adjust accordingly to meet the needs, emotional, physical, and psychological as they present.

Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, intheshadowoferos said:

Right there with ya! My understanding, comfort, emotions, needs, today they say I can be celibate all my life. 
i don’t know if that will change, it may, it may not. But I know I love my partner, I know that no matter their orientation, comfort, desires… together we will navigate it. AVEN, and the language around identity and orientation has helped us to be able to discuss and adjust our relationship so that we are doing us, and we can say we no longer give a damn about societal expectations or assumptions.

our path is unique to us. It may not always be easy, or pretty, or look sustainable, but we will continue to adjust accordingly to meet the needs, emotional, physical, and psychological as they present.

 

18 hours ago, Astutusdomina said:

When I think of celibacy I think about the loss of pleasure.

What is pleasure?

There's an interesting podcast in touch with Ruby Rare which gives an example.

There's a negative in celibacy likewise there's a negative in non monogamy. Both words carry a minus, but while non monogamy means you have more i.e. poly, celibacy just carries a void.

More in today's western world is a plus. While less or none is definitely a minus.

When I met hubby I definitely thought of myself as someone who had a healthy sexual appetite. My previous experiences were very satisfying, pleasurable, playful, immaginitive...

Sex was a joy. My fantasies were wild and although there was always a gap between the two, sex was very gratifying and something I thought I couldn't live without.

When sex started to fizz out in my marriage we seemed both alarmed and we took to going to therapists. (Mainly my husband). 

During this time I imagined a stack of things such as he was gay, he no longer fancied me etc.

I knew I was still sexually attractive as I've always had advances and still sometimes do. During this time I even thought of paying a gigolo, but I am who I am, the previous sexual experiences taught me that pleasure for me is not terribly fun with one night stands, and I guess I am wired to have one partner at a time, preferably someone I'm head over heels with. My fantasies took me to orgies but reality did not. 

Obviously other than Aven and the therapists no one knows I am celibate. It was a lonely place. But rather lonely than unsafe.

When I found out about Aven wow, now that's a game changer.

I started to really think about what sex is for me now. Something I had stopped doing as I thought it was a given. And yes, I'm sure it's like riding a bike, but actually there's something in the saying if you don't use it you lose it. ( Haven't put it to the test but I know).

Now that my mind is free to embrace a lover I'm really not sure my body wants it anymore. Hang on, I'm not saying I'm asexual, just continuing my celibate state with less pain and weight on my mind. My lighter state is enabling me to seek and find pleasures in other things. I feel freer. But what will be will be. Who knows what I'll be thinking about tomorrow.

If you two dont mind me asking, have you found a satisfying way to deal with sexual urges when they happen. Taking care of things myself is.... fine. Its not like its an unpleasant experieince, it "does the job" but, it obviously isnt satisfying enougb otherwise i wouldnt be here.

 

Ive thought about looking into sex toys but i feel like that would be a temporary fix at best. There are definitely more aspects to sex than the physical pleasure i miss, and id need to figure out how to mitigate those in ordee to even begin thinking about taking the route you two decided to take.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mountain House
1 hour ago, Zman419 said:

Ive thought about looking into sex toys

For me:

 

Sex toys are fun and extend the context and pleasure of masturbation and can create pleasures that can't come from anything else, but they do not touch the experience I have with partnered sex. Even if what we are doing is playing with those same toys.

 

To be the object of a person's desire and to share the vulnerability that sexuality brings can't be had any other way.

 

: for me.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Mountain House said:

For me:

 

Sex toys are fun and extend the context and pleasure of masturbation and can create pleasures that can't come from anything else, but they do not touch the experience I have with partnered sex. Even if what we are doing is playing with those same toys.

 

To be the object of a person's desire and to share the vulnerability that sexuality brings can't be had any other way.

 

: for me.

This is basically how i think id feel about them

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
intheshadowoferos
On 3/17/2022 at 9:07 AM, Zman419 said:

f you two dont mind me asking, have you found a satisfying way to deal with sexual urges when they happen.

Not well enough. I divert my focus to what we are working on a lot, and to other things. I avoid reminders of what I am not getting physically from my husband. 
it’s a work in progress. Yes, I am denying myself a lot. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
intheshadowoferos
9 minutes ago, Astutusdomina said:

 

I'm not sure if I have sexual urges anymore. Although I adamantly believe to be sexual

 

Then you are sexual. Your belief is all you need.

 

I expect my urges to wane because I have chosen to be celibate, but I imagine I will still believe myself to be sexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Since embarking on this journey, I realize how much my brain had been still i.e. my thoughts about sex froze or stopped at the point sex stopped.

 

During my fertile years it was really tough, I was angry, frustrated ... Obviously the anger and frustration were also inevitably directed at hubby. Yet no matter our horny I felt I couldn't bring myself to have sex with a stranger.

 

Now that I'm postmenopausal and know about asexuality and have also the green light to choose (although frankly I wouldn't have needed it) I'm really not that interested. ( I'm kinda shocked as I've always thought of myself as someone with a high libido).

 

I'm trying to get more pleasure with other fun things, we're also getting more non sexually 'intimate' which is really important for me. I'm also learning other ways of finding comfort and destressing ( although I've had a lot of practice with that - I'm only now doing it with my eyes wide open).

 

In short sex for me was much more than the act. It was love, desire, intimacy, pleasure, fun, comfort, distraction, care, letting go ( the list is endless).

 

I'm now busy trying to find a way forward, little steps at a time. We'll see intheshadowsoferos, we'll see.

Take care.

Link to post
Share on other sites
intheshadowoferos
On 3/22/2022 at 12:19 PM, Astutusdomina said:

we're also getting more non sexually 'intimate' which is really important for me

Me too, and our immediate discussion is around what intimacy can mean if not physical, or sexual in nature for us 
I’m also working on being more comfortable in my own skin around him. 
A big moment for me happened just the other day. Showering for our day I pass him in the bathroom, I was naked. For years resentment had me sheltering his view of my body. I have since let go of that piece of resentment that brought that on.

anyway I heard myself say in my head: it’s okay, he isn’t looking, he really isn’t able to see me that way. 
I immediately felt my shoulders lower. 
 

I guess now, I need to embody, so to speak, that seeing him and desiring him sexually don’t need to trigger  sadness in me …. working on finding out where that sadness is rooted.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mountain House
12 minutes ago, intheshadowoferos said:

seeing him and desiring him sexually don’t need to trigger  sadness in me

That is tough. I mostly don't have this issue any longer but every now and then it still hits me. It seems contextual. Cuddling in bed on vacation, after a particularly good evening doing some activity we both really get in to... those sorts of things.

 

If I look at the emotion it's a kind of realization that I'm in the mood and knowing that that will never matter.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, intheshadowoferos said:

guess now, I need to embody, so to speak, that seeing him and desiring him sexually don’t need to trigger  sadness in me …. working on finding out where that sadness is rooted.

Maybe its not rooted in something all that deep. Youre a sexual being in a situation where you may never be able to express your sexuality again. Its very possible thats all thats going on here.

Link to post
Share on other sites
intheshadowoferos
1 hour ago, Zman419 said:

Maybe its not rooted in something all that deep. Youre a sexual being in a situation where you may never be able to express your sexuality again. Its very possible thats all thats going on here.

Yeah, I suspect you are closer than I. Not everything mg has to have a deeper meaning. Maybe this just f-n sucks.

thanks for suggesting bs….. 

sometimes I need that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
On 12/8/2012 at 11:02 AM, kochouran said:

I'm really glad you added this part. My biggest struggling in the beginning was first feeling like I was doing something wrong because I grew up learning that anything sexual was shameful and we were moving along faster than I had anticipated. When I finally accepted that I was okay with sex and actually enjoyed it, I then felt like I couldn't call myself asexual (this was before I knew about grey-a). For me, the internal struggles of a mixed relationship have always been more challenging than the physical.

I am just exploring asexuality. I was raised super religious and like you it was shameful and dirty. So fast forward.....I did engage in sex as a tenn and always felt bad after....fast forward again...I get married thinking "once I am married to this person I love, I wont feel guilt and shame anymore" Right? Nope...Been married 10 years. Just diagnosed with autism and I think I might be asexual but part of me wonders if it is religious trauma/?! would love to hear your thoughts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 months later...
On 12/5/2012 at 6:51 AM, Lady Girl said:

Compromise in a relationship between two people is inevitable. Sexual compromise on the other hand is often unexpected, can feel devastating, and sometimes is not possible for one or both partners. It is however, one of the few choices a couple finding themselves in a sexual/asexual relationship has if they wish to stay together.

I would like this thread to be for all the people trying to maintain a compromise and those thinking it's something they are willing to try. It would be great to hear from both sexuals and asexuals and how they make it work. One thing I would like to avoid here is the blame game. It's nobody's fault that one partner desires more or less sex than the other, it just is. That's not to say we can't talk about the reality of living with a sexual compromise...the frustrations, the difficult or awkward conversations, the personal stuff (don't forget TMI warnings or spoilers if you need it for your post). But let's try to offer solutions and like the title says, keep this one support based.

There are going to be many varieties of particulars: for some the frequency of sexual activity may be seemingly high and for others possibly negligible, for many couples certain acts may be omitted, some will have schedules while others do not, and most will have something to say about who does the initiating. Basically, there is no compromise formula.

One last thing...many asexuals (that I know) who are in a compromise, are not compromising themselves. They are choosing to participate in an activity they might otherwise avoid, and they most likely do this because they love their partner and care about the partner's feeling of well being. This thread isn't about the right or wrong of that choice.

There is no compromise.. unless you mean the sexual partners self esteem, being sexually satisfied, being rejected constantly. These relationships die for a reason because the asexual has the upper hand

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

I'm working through this thread and I'm glad its here. My partner is demi, I'm stupidly sexual. We moved in together extremely fast during our sexually active honeymoon phase. I find myself ashamed of how often I'm aroused and desire her, and maybe she'll see me little bit like that that someday.

 

It's simpler in my head if I assume things will be as they are, and the hope + frustration is not an experience I would recommend to anyone. I don't know if I'm in a courting phase or if we're slowly distilling sexual acceptance. God, the maybe. Being single is way easier. I love her though. F.

Link to post
Share on other sites
22 minutes ago, Laughmore said:

I'm working through this thread and I'm glad its here. My partner is demi, I'm stupidly sexual. We moved in together extremely fast during our sexually active honeymoon phase. I find myself ashamed of how often I'm aroused and desire her, and maybe she'll see me little bit like that that someday.

 

It's simpler in my head if I assume things will be as they are, and the hope + frustration is not an experience I would recommend to anyone. I don't know if I'm in a courting phase or if we're slowly distilling sexual acceptance. God, the maybe. Being single is way easier. I love her though. F.

There's no need to be ashamed of desiring her, and even if she doesn't desire you in the same way, it doesn't mean that she doesn't desire you in other ways. Desire can mean wanting to spend time together, wanting to cuddle, wanting to come to you for comfort. To a lot of people, those things are very real emotional needs and build connection way more intimately than sex does.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...