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Lady Girl

Sexual Compromise & Support

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Chook

Kittenpuff - yes, the 'I'm not enough and I never could be' feeling haunts me. I'm still trying to work up the courage and figure out the words to talk through this with my husband. Outside of this relationship, I have had the feeling before too, so I know it's not just him or just this relationship. There are days I feel like it would be kinder to release any obligation he has so he can find someone that fulfils his needs. I don't believe he would take me up on that, but it feels cruel somehow not to recognise the fact that he is compromising by being married to me.

All of that said, cw1911 I am so grateful that you shared your own experience with us. I hope we can come to some similar conclusion, that despite frustration on both sides we can come to a point where we have a middle ground and maintain a commitment to each other.

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xMx

I'm new to this forum and I am so glad that I discovered it. I thought I was weird or different for not wanting sex as much as the next "normal" person and realized there were other people who shared the same viewpoint as me. Although, I am still just discovering just what it means to be an asexual.

My boyfriend of two years had recently requested a break in our relationship so we can both re-evaluate our relationship and what we want out of it. It was because of the sex issue that had come up time and time again and we were unable to have a happy compromise. At the beginning, I thought I didn't want to have sex because I was always taught to not have premartial sex. It was after I decided it would be okay to have sex in our relationship, I later found out I did not enjoy sex or had a desire for it. It made me think - that's it? Why do people crave this or want this? To me, sex felt painful and I didn't fully understand why. I guess I had high expectations based on what media had shown me what sex was.

I guess my sexual partner noticed the sex dwindling down over time and became sexually frustrated. He hated having to "beg" for sex. Although in my mind, I didn't think it was begging. To me, I felt really bad that I never desired him such a sexual way or the desire for sex, but emotionally, I was very attached. I couldn't fully understand why it was until I recently discovered this community. I'm not even sure how to bring up this new found discovery with him when our break is over, and whether after telling him that I think I may be asexual, if it'd be the "end all".

I mean I do want to compromise with my boyfriend in some way or another, however, every time I do, I feel like there'll be some sort of resentment or frustration that will come. Do sexual/asexual relationships really last?

I'm also very surprised to hear about other intimate activities, besides sex, however, I feel my partner only sees sex as an intimate act between significant others.

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maccheese

I pretty much felt the same way. I thought I wasn't into sex because of the premarital sex thing. I thought after I got married I would relax and enjoy it because its "legal sex." Um no, even before marriage, I was not impressed with sex. I've probably had one pleasurable sex experience, but I was soooo not into that person so it really didn't matter. Plus, sex was never the thing that sealed the deal with me as far as connection in relationship. My husband swears us having sex keeps us connected. Personally, I think he says that because he thinks that's what I want to hear to give him more sex. He's accused me of cheating because clearly, if I'm not getting sex from him then who am I getting it from. Um no one, not interested, plus I don't believe in adultery.

I just wonder sometimes am I just being lazy. I read all these articles about how married couples should be having sex and how you have to make all this effort to keep the fire in the relationship. For me, that just doesn't register. I don't feel any different after sex. I'm pretty sure my husband does though.

I'm new to this forum and I am so glad that I discovered it. I thought I was weird or different for not wanting sex as much as the next "normal" person and realized there were other people who shared the same viewpoint as me. Although, I am still just discovering just what it means to be an asexual.

My boyfriend of two years had recently requested a break in our relationship so we can both re-evaluate our relationship and what we want out of it. It was because of the sex issue that had come up time and time again and we were unable to have a happy compromise. At the beginning, I thought I didn't want to have sex because I was always taught to not have premartial sex. It was after I decided it would be okay to have sex in our relationship, I later found out I did not enjoy sex or had a desire for it. It made me think - that's it? Why do people crave this or want this? To me, sex felt painful and I didn't fully understand why. I guess I had high expectations based on what media had shown me what sex was.

I guess my sexual partner noticed the sex dwindling down over time and became sexually frustrated. He hated having to "beg" for sex. Although in my mind, I didn't think it was begging. To me, I felt really bad that I never desired him such a sexual way or the desire for sex, but emotionally, I was very attached. I couldn't fully understand why it was until I recently discovered this community. I'm not even sure how to bring up this new found discovery with him when our break is over, and whether after telling him that I think I may be asexual, if it'd be the "end all".

I mean I do want to compromise with my boyfriend in some way or another, however, every time I do, I feel like there'll be some sort of resentment or frustration that will come. Do sexual/asexual relationships really last?

I'm also very surprised to hear about other intimate activities, besides sex, however, I feel my partner only sees sex as an intimate act between significant others.

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Sally

My husband swears us having sex keeps us connected. Personally, I think he says that because he thinks that's what I want to hear to give him more sex.

Probably not -- it's more likely he really feels that sex is an important connector between partners. I know my husband and my ex-partner felt that way, and they would feel that there was something wrong with the relationship if we didn't have sex for quite a while. That's a big difference between sexuals and asexuals.

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Lady Girl

I've recently had a bad, bad, really upset day with Mr. LG and feel sort of sad about it. I had hoped I was getting past some of the longing. I feel I have lowered and lowered my expectations down to about next to nothing (I would really just like some cuddling...I have no expectation or wish for it to lead to sex) and it is still not happening. He repeatedly promises he will and that I just need to be patient. I suspect he just isn't a very tactile person and I don't think any amount of hope on his part or patience on mine is going to change that.

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jojo2003

Hi LG,

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know you have been very open towards mr. LG about the way you feel, but does he know that this is eating you away like it is?

I know those are the difficult discussions. I had one this week where I told mrs. Jo outright that I just wanted some intimacy and not sex, whereby she said she knew and realised, but somehow nothing happened.

Let's keep focussing on the good part... especially in difficult times like this.

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Lady Girl

I was very vocal. I honestly think he hopes he will keep his promises. He knows I don't expect anything sexual beyond our agreement. I feel bad because I make it seem hopeless and I don't think he wants it to be. He said we both have areas to work on, I know he's right.

I had gotten to a point where I thought I was sort of accepting and suddenly I felt unhappy about it. I think I was as upset with myself for those feelings as I was with him for how he always is.

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Lydian

I think everybody has their ups and downs in how they feel about the compromise in their relationship. I'm not the sexual and we haven't actually even done anything yet so maybe I'm out of place here, but I find some days I feel ok with the agreement me and my partner have come up with and other days I just feel upset, confused and like I'm being forced into it. It doesn't usually last but it is pretty much a constant up and down thing where I swing between being happy and feeling upset about the whole thing. I don't think you should be too hard on yourself for sometimes feeling unhappy with the way things are, we're all only human. I really hope that Mr. LG will come around a little more though, it sounds like he's kind of brushing you off a bit and it's no wonder that would leave you feeling down. It doesn't sound to me like you're pushing him or anything, it just sounds like he could stand to do a little more in terms of even just cuddling with you.

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Kiboko

I still havent found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesnt desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. Weve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isnt the lack of sex but that he just doesnt want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing its just an act and its not what he wants and does only because of me. Its rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising wont help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

I'm right with you on this :-(

When we first started dating, I made it clear that I have a ridiculously high libido. Like every other man I've dated, he initially said it was fantastic. I told him it won't last because once a man knows he can have sex whenever he asks, he gets bored knowing it's on tap. Like every other man, he said that wouldn't happen. Not only has it happened, but he's way less interested than every other man I've ever slept with. They all rave about how amazing the sex is and then the novelty wears off. He asked if I lose my libido when I'm in a depressive phase (I have bipolar). Unlike most people with bipolar, I don't, but I have problems initiating. I will never turn it down though. In fact, it was a long running joke that the only times I would turn it down would be if I was dead or just had major gynaecological surgery. I was trying to get him to have sex with me a week after I had an abdominal hysterectomy as a guy I worked with went to a prostitute 10 days after his wife's hysterectomy. I feel really stupid now. Anyway, he said that him initiating wouldn't be a problem *sigh*. It's all coming together now as he has always said it doesn't matter if he has an orgasm or not, as long as I do. And the long running joke has blown up in my face too, as now he'll decide for me that I'm having problems with my back/hip and will refuse to do anything as I 'can't be trusted' to make the call myself. He is very tactile, which does help. I think it's the not being desired that's killing me. I definitely couldn't do the naked cuddle as that would have me tearing my hair out. I've told him the most important thing for me is not sex itself (as that would make me really shallow), but the fact that it's the ultimate in being close and intimate as we are literally physically joined. He said he gets that from cuddling me. Is it because I'm the receiver? I guess for sexual guys they want to be the giver. It's difficult to compromise when they won't talk about it.

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KLT

As a compromise do you think it is ok for a sexual husband having a sex partner because he is married to an asexual 🍰

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Notte stellata

As a compromise do you think it is ok for a sexual husband having a sex partner because he is married to an asexual

It's never okay without the asexual partner's informed consent. Other than this, there's no universal answer. Some asexuals don't want an open relationship, but they don't mind having sex themselves; some only want a monogamous sexless relationship; some (including me) are completely okay with an open/poly relationship and don't see it as a compromise at all. Each case is different. It's okay as long as both partners think it's okay. But if the asexual partner isn't comfortable with the idea, it shouldn't be forced.

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rbel

I feel like i am the only one who has decided to leave the marriage over this... you need to understand i do love my husband.. this year will be 10 yrs... we have 2 boys and i have 2 kids from a previous relationship... i hate the fact we have a home.. a life.. but i have been miserable in this area for 10 years.. feeling like it was me too... tears galore.. feeling alone.. and my husband is NOT affectionate in other ways.. unless i was to come up to him he would never even think to hug me.. kiss me.. put his arm around me... he doenst like kssing.. cuddling.. touching much at all.. if i never purused him im sure we would never ever have any kind of affection at all.............. its been lonely yet i khow he loves me cuz he does do anything for me he can.. hed give me the world...... but he cant give me alot or much affection sex.. intimacy at all.. not even emotional. he doenst like talking much iether. unless we have to about issues with the house or kides.. other than that.. we odnt really talk.. about our relationship, feelings or life or anything.... so yes if my hubby were to be cuddly.. kissable, hold my hand and show me in other ways the intimacy i crave and need id stay....but i dont get intimacy in either way.. physically or emotioabnlly.. we elive like freinds.. roomates.. co parents.. and most of our time has been talking.. or fighting over this subject..... i know compromising wont solve our issues.. he has told me he cant be what i need.. he hates to see me sad.. and miserable in THIS way.. the rest of my life is wonderful.. im just feeling hte lack of a relationship.. a close loving one.. with physicalness.. we need it... just like asexuals dont.. well sexuals do... and to say i love him ill stay forever.. is really a sacrifice.. im not leaving cuz i dont love him.. i feel guilty.. i feel like if i was a good wife id stay.. but it has alot more to do with than just sex... yes he could have sex to fulfill my need.. but is that love ? yes or no.. if he really donest want to do it.. and just does it for me.. ?? perhaps.. but does it feel right or good... not really i want him happy to and not to feel like he is obligated to do things he odenst really want to or need.. but again shouild i go my whole life with out what i need.. i am42.. and yes 4 kids.. and yes.moving out.. am i happy not really... i love him and our life.. but its not fiar to either of us.. to keep living and doing what makes us not fully happy.. sometimes love cant be enough.. i will always wish i think.. htat i could have said.. i love you no matter what and ill stay.. but i am robbing myself of happiness as well.. and robbing him of relief... he will always feel bad and i could never bring thsi up again.. id just have to suck it up and do without.. or go outside the marriage.. which he has said i could do.. but again.. that isnt the answer.... i think if you can compromise to stay together and not feel resentful thats awesome.. i know he cant hlep this.. its not either of our faults..its very hard because i love hinm and we have built this life together.. but is it right ot stay or go.. ill never know i guess...

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jojo2003

Dear rbel,

Please know that you are not the only one. If you look in several threads you will see that a lot of people decide not to continue their relationship, because they feel something essential is missing.

The decision to seperate is, at some level, a more difficult decision than the decision I have made to stay in my relationship. Both decisions have their own pro's and con's. Nobody can judge for another person and nobody will know for sure what the right decision is.

You will have to follow the path that feels the best (in worst cases) for you. And you're right in saying it is nobody's fault.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

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rbel

thanks.. i havent come across anyone else who has decided leaving is a better option for them :( i guess id love to talk to others that have.. im so scared of my securtiy.. my future.. i know he wont leave me alone and struggling.. he feels responsible.. and i know he is my best friend and will be helping me.. but still.. at some point i cant depend on him anymore.. thats the scary thing..being a single mom for 7 years doesnt leave me much for my future.. i have to go back to school and hope for the best lol

can someone direct me to others who have decided they were gonna leave.. i love him to death.. i hate these choices i have to make... i just dont know if i want to never feel IN Love.. and all those emotions.. ever again i have stricly love but friendships feelings...

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Lady Girl

There are people, and it is a really hard decision, I think you are basically looking at a certain amount of difficulty with either choice. My husband and I did split up for awhile. We got back together and maybe that could be something you might think about too...maybe try living apart with the intention to decide if that is truly what you want. Talk to him about a six month trial or something? You can take some time to decide if it is a permanent separation.

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VoodooCult

Hey.

Not sure if this is the right thread... but I'm sexual and split up with my ace bf. Well he broke up with me. it was his decision cos after a couple of really great months we have stayed together i had to move away and he realized that he didn't really miss me and didn't have any strong feelings about me. This situation was not fair and so he decided to break up. It was a shock for me cos i thought we could really make it. i made a lot of sacrifices and he too (and we had a clear agreement and i always asked what was okay or not) and i accepted how he was and never wanted to push him to something he didn't want. i loved him for being the way he is. and it makes me sad cos it wasn't the sexual aspect that made him break up with me... it was because he generally has problems with emotions... he's sometimes very introverted and shy and i'm quite outgoing and if i don't get physical attention i need words that show me that i'm loved by someone. It was always difficult to say how he felt if he didn't tell me cos he is not really good at showng emotions.

i start to realize that it is much better not to be together though i can't understand how he could give up so quickly. I feel a bit betrayed although I know that he is just like Sheldon Cooper (I'm not exaggerating!) and can't help.

Anyway, I don't regret not having sex for a while cos it was worth it. And i have learnt so much about asexual people. I'm thankful for it. I hope that everyone with troubles in a relationship can work out a solution. Always try to remeber the wonderful moments you shared... but never feel bad for what you are (wether you are ace or sexual).and what you need.

Best,

JGreco

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jojo2003

Hi JGreco,

I am sorry to hear that things did not work out. It is always hard when at some point it does not match.

Have you tried discussing this with him? I know you said he is a kind of Sheldon Cooper, but at some level he seems to understand feelings. Maybe it would feel better if you have told him how this came as a surprise. I know it does not change the situation, but sometimes it helps.

Best of luck.

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RoseHips

I don't live with my partner (yet), but we do get to see each other often.
I say, for you sexuals, to try to see your asexual partner's point of view. They are just not desiring sex. It's not that they do not desire YOU, it is just sex. An asexual person messaged me to tell me what it is like, and he said that he would rather clean a girl's room than have sex with her.. he would rather help her and make her feel good, than have sex.
I've always been a natural with other's feelings/needs.
I told my partner after he told me how he views sex as only a thing to make babies, that he needs to eat me out. He said of course to that. :)
So compromises like that will do good.
I'm a submissive person, and he is dominant - because we don't have sex, I want him to show his dominance in other ways...
asexuals are human, so of course **some of them** (I was corrected) masturbate. Masturbating is a natural form of releasing stress, among other things. One way I want him to show his dominance over me is to come on me when he jerks it. I think that would be a good compromise. Think up things like that.
He is a cuddle bug, and loves kissing, and I am very thankful for that.

I hope this has helped, even if just a little.

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Lydian

asexuals are human, so of course they masturbate.

-raises hand- I wasn't aware masturbating was a given for being human. I am now a duck.

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RoseHips

asexuals are human, so of course they masturbate.

-raises hand- I wasn't aware masturbating was a given for being human. I am now a duck.

Oh haha. I'm new to this whole thing.. sorry.

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Lydian

asexuals are human, so of course they masturbate.

-raises hand- I wasn't aware masturbating was a given for being human. I am now a duck.

Oh haha. I'm new to this whole thing.. sorry.

It's fine, I'd just be careful about making generalizations and possibly wording. It might just be me but classifying anything as something "humans" would do rubs me the wrong way a little as not only is it a pretty BIG generalization, but it makes it sound as though those who don't fit are somehow not fully human. I know you didn't mean it that way and I didn't take it that way, it just has a bit of that connotation to it, y'know?

Obviously everyone is always learning new things all the time and mistakes are easy to make. I'd just be wary of using your experiences with your partner as a basis for asexuality in general. What you've stated as a good compromise for example, wouldn't work for me at all. I've also never felt the need to masturbate and don't actually find I get anything out of it anyway. It's fine to talk about what you know, but possibly pair it with "some asexuals" or specify that you are referring to a certain person. Just like sexual people are all very different in boundaries and what they may enjoy, asexual people will be the same.

Also, welcome to AVEN. It's actually always nice to have sexual people here to give some feedback from the other side of things so to speak. ^^

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Lady Girl

asexuals are human, so of course they masturbate.

-raises hand- I wasn't aware masturbating was a given for being human. I am now a duck.

I don't think they meant it that way...I think there is a common idea that asexual people don't masturbate. I think RoseHips just meant they realized some do (obviously not all...I'm sexual and don't).

Anyway, it is helpful to have ideas tossed around in this thread since its about compromising, so thanks to everyone who's been contributing! :cake:

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RoseHips

asexuals are human, so of course they masturbate.

-raises hand- I wasn't aware masturbating was a given for being human. I am now a duck.

Oh haha. I'm new to this whole thing.. sorry.

It's fine, I'd just be careful about making generalizations and possibly wording. It might just be me but classifying anything as something "humans" would do rubs me the wrong way a little as not only is it a pretty BIG generalization, but it makes it sound as though those who don't fit are somehow not fully human. I know you didn't mean it that way and I didn't take it that way, it just has a bit of that connotation to it, y'know?

Obviously everyone is always learning new things all the time and mistakes are easy to make. I'd just be wary of using your experiences with your partner as a basis for asexuality in general. What you've stated as a good compromise for example, wouldn't work for me at all. I've also never felt the need to masturbate and don't actually find I get anything out of it anyway. It's fine to talk about what you know, but possibly pair it with "some asexuals" or specify that you are referring to a certain person. Just like sexual people are all very different in boundaries and what they may enjoy, asexual people will be the same.

Also, welcome to AVEN. It's actually always nice to have sexual people here to give some feedback from the other side of things so to speak. ^^

Yes I didn't mean to make it that way at all. :( Some people feel guilty about masturbating, and I just meant for it to seem normal, you know?

Thank you!!

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Lydian

asexuals are human, so of course they masturbate.

-raises hand- I wasn't aware masturbating was a given for being human. I am now a duck.

Oh haha. I'm new to this whole thing.. sorry.

It's fine, I'd just be careful about making generalizations and possibly wording. It might just be me but classifying anything as something "humans" would do rubs me the wrong way a little as not only is it a pretty BIG generalization, but it makes it sound as though those who don't fit are somehow not fully human. I know you didn't mean it that way and I didn't take it that way, it just has a bit of that connotation to it, y'know?

Obviously everyone is always learning new things all the time and mistakes are easy to make. I'd just be wary of using your experiences with your partner as a basis for asexuality in general. What you've stated as a good compromise for example, wouldn't work for me at all. I've also never felt the need to masturbate and don't actually find I get anything out of it anyway. It's fine to talk about what you know, but possibly pair it with "some asexuals" or specify that you are referring to a certain person. Just like sexual people are all very different in boundaries and what they may enjoy, asexual people will be the same.

Also, welcome to AVEN. It's actually always nice to have sexual people here to give some feedback from the other side of things so to speak. ^^

Yes I didn't mean to make it that way at all. :( Some people feel guilty about masturbating, and I just meant for it to seem normal, you know?

Thank you!!

I know you meant it in a good way and not at all negative. It is of course normal and there's nothing wrong with it. Like I said, it just sort of rubbed me the wrong way a little bit. My initial comment really was made mostly in jest. ^^;

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jojo2003

I don't live with my partner (yet), but we do get to see each other often.

I say, for you sexuals, to try to see your asexual partner's point of view. They are just not desiring sex. It's not that they do not desire YOU, it is just sex. An asexual person messaged me to tell me what it is like, and he said that he would rather clean a girl's room than have sex with her.. he would rather help her and make her feel good, than have sex.

I've always been a natural with other's feelings/needs.

I told my partner after he told me how he views sex as only a thing to make babies, that he needs to eat me out. He said of course to that. :)

So compromises like that will do good.

I'm a submissive person, and he is dominant - because we don't have sex, I want him to show his dominance in other ways...

asexuals are human, so of course **some of them** (I was corrected) masturbate. Masturbating is a natural form of releasing stress, among other things. One way I want him to show his dominance over me is to come on me when he jerks it. I think that would be a good compromise. Think up things like that.

He is a cuddle bug, and loves kissing, and I am very thankful for that.

I hope this has helped, even if just a little.

Thank you for contributing to this matter. I know it is difficult not to use generalisations and don't mind people making small mistakes like that. English is not my mother tongue, so I guess I am making lot's of mistakes as well... :).

It is nice to find some way of compromise and your post of course helps in understanding the differnces we experience in our relationships.

And I do understand that the lack of desire is just sexual and not a lack of desire in me, but can not help but sometimes feel that way. On a cognative level, you are absolutely right that we need to see eachothers point of view. However, on an emotional level, it tends to change whether I can relate or not.

Still I liked your post.

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joesantus

In my 33 marriage with my Asperger Ace lady, we, as Lady Girl and her hub and as others, didn't realize we had a serious chasm nor understand what that chasm was, until many years -- actually decades -- later. We've used a gamut of options, including abstinence to scheduling to open marriage, to compromise.

As time has passed, neither my wife nor I prefers the term compromise, though. A compromise can be worked out happily in some issues -- for instance, I prefer steak tonight and she prefers tacos, but we both like Italian so we compromise by eating that tonight and we're still satisfied. But some "compromises" simply leave both parties dissastisfied and unhappy

So -- not at all to detract from LG's great thread and the discussion its generated -- but we prefer the phrase, "taking turns". Sometimes it's my turn -- we have sex. Sometimes it's hers -- we don't. .

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Lady Girl

Hi joesantus! It's great to have you contribute to this thread, I like your take on it. We actually don't call it a compromise in real life either...although I don't mind the word. In fact you reminded me of something I did once. I looked up the parts of the word compromise taking com as the first part and meaning with, and promise being the second part and generally meaning a pledge one keeps. So it turned out to be kind of like a promise you make with someone instead of to someone.

I don't think I call it anything besides sex or relations, he calls it relations or our agreement. :)

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jojo2003

Joesantus and LG,

I do like your take on this. I do not have any problems with using the word compromis though. Contrary, apparently, to others I find it a nice word. It feels like we have a real adult relationship that we are able to discuss our differences and reach a "compromis"...

And yes LG, it is a promise we made to eachother.

Taking turns was not the term I would use, because it would make me feel like I am imposing something on my partner, because it is my turn. But I totally understand why you would use it.

It is funny to see how different people have different feelings towards the use of some words.

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SconesForDinner

I apologize in advance if this question/topic has already been broached - I'm trying to read through this entire forum but I'm feeling anxious and want to ask right away.

I recently entered into a relationship with another woman, one for whom sex isn't necessarily important, but physical intimacy is. I've never dated before, and I always assumed that while I wasn't interested in sex, I wasn't repulsed by it either. However, when I try to push my own physical boundaries with my partner (we're trying to figure out where our compromise line is), I keep hitting this point where the physical intimacy just... suddenly becomes too much for me.

What I want to know is, are there other asexuals out there who have experienced something like this? Ones who thought in theory they were fine with certain physical acts, either tame or sexual, and in the moment had a negative reaction? I feel incredibly guilty not being able to offer my partner even a fraction of what she needs, but I don't know how to get around this wall.

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Sally

There's no reason you have to try to make yourself get around that wall. The physical act of sex is supposed to be pleasurable. If any part of it isn't pleasurable for you, you don't have to do it. It's your body and your decision. You don't have to feel guilty about not wanting to do something, just as your partner doesn't have to feel guilty about wanting to do something. You simply feel differently about that "something".

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