Sexual Compromise & Support

[Philip027]

Quote

I am still confused about the rush on toilet paper.

I don't get it either.  It's not like Covid is going to give you the shits.

[Guest]

21 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I don't get it either.  It's not like Covid is going to give you the shits.

It's because people will be restricted to their homes if quarantined so they don't want to run out of toilet paper. 

 

And in irrational fear brain, that means stock up with as much as you can cause you might not be able to leave the house for a long time. 

 

Just like when we have hurricanes, people get thirty 5 gallon jugs of gasoline for their generators. It's like... your power will be out a couple days, to a week. Why do you need to drain the entire state of gasoline for that? 

[anisotrophic]

4 hours ago, 123383 said:

All we know for sure is that the virus spreads easily and rapidly, that there is no treatment, that if you are vulnerable it might kill you, and that a vaccine is a year or more away.

And we’re going to run out of ventilators and other medical space.
 

And we don't have enough tests in some places (the entire US, partly due to F'ing regulation barriers afaict), the only people tested are the ones admitted to the hospital or known-exposures (I watched an academic / health provider-facing webinar, in the only local system providing inhouse tests not shipped to CDC, I know the criteria). It is spreading undetected.

 

It kills old people at a scary rate. It can kill younger people too. Kids are thankfully mostly symptomless, but we don't know if they're transmitting (are they typhoid mary's?).
 

Lots of people are probably going to die, and it's going to be a time where doctors have to choose who to try to save.

 

I doubt schools will re-open in a couple weeks. We'll still be struggling to flatten the curve.

[Lostwife]

Hi there,

I know this is a post from a long time ago, but I'd really appreciate a conversation with you "Lady Girl" if you're still on here?

My husband of 23 years has just come revealed a week ago he's figured out he's asexual - and we are going through the beginning stages, so would appreciate some help or advice??

Thanks
Sad wife :(

[anisotrophic]

3 hours ago, Lostwife said:

Hi there,

I know this is a post from a long time ago, but I'd really appreciate a conversation with you "Lady Girl" if you're still on here?

My husband of 23 years has just come revealed a week ago he's figured out he's asexual - and we are going through the beginning stages, so would appreciate some help or advice??

Thanks
Sad wife

I can give you advice most people can: communication and empathy — on the parts of both partners, give and expect it in return.

 

Learn what he means by it. Find a therapist for yourself. Hopefully he has one too. Learn what your own needs are. Talk to each other about how you experience sexuality. Aim for people to feel loved for who they are— including their sexuality, or lack thereof.

 

You’re welcome to open a new post/thread for yourself! Usually this is a really miserable & painful revelation for a sexual partner to hear. It’s normal to feel a lot of emotional pain & it can take a long time (and a lot of work & conversations) to feel better.

[Lostwife]

Thank you for your comment, means a lot. We are both prepared to fight for each other to be with each other, so I believe that’s a good base.  :)

[Manyquestions]

Ok. Just a little background. 63 y/o male married to a 47 y/o woman. Married a little over a year, she came with two daughters, 11 and 17. She told me she was a sexual before we got married and really I am alright with that. She was abused by a step-father as a child and got no support from her mother and sister. She had two abusive marriages, the second included a husband who drugged and raped her. After that it was a series of boyfriends until I came along. As for myself I was a widower after a 35 year marriage, no children, which was basically sexless for 10+ years. I should also say I differentiate between sex, a strict act, and making love, which involves emotions and feelings.

After we were married she started talking about possibly having another child. She wanted a boy. Right before Christmas she surprised me, she was the initiator, and we had sex. She surprised me again right before my birthday in March. Both times were pleasurable and exciting and I find myself wanting more frequency. In the process I think I found some things she enjoys. 

My problem is how to get her to communicate with me. I have told her that I am willing to accept what she is comfortable with but she doesn’t even like to talk about it. I have even composed a letter that expresses my feelings thinking it might open the channels of communication. I have not yet left it for her. 
 

[Mountain House]

2 hours ago, Make_Invisible_Visible said:

May I know In which way asexual women (sex averse/ repel) can compromise with sexual men to continue existing relationship???

Please give me an answer...

Only way is to break the relationship???...no other go???

 

I didn't want to see her as divorcee too because of her orientation (She is a very good girl in all aspects other than sex averse condition)....Can I marry someone with my asexual consent for a sake of kids which is the ultimate goal for a marriage relationship ??? Can we three stay together as family...In this scenario; asexual women is free from sexual contact; sexual men having sexual contact with the sexual women....

 

Any reply / suggestion....Is this question valid for a asexual women from sexual husband???? 

 

Because of her orientation she should not feel/ even i also should not make her unhappy through divorce

 

 

Hi @Make_Invisible_Visible,

Absolutely it is possible;  for having kids or any other consenting reason.  There is another active thread:https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/200820-openpoly-aces/ basically asking the same question.

 

 

 

 

[TurnedTurtle]

@Make_Invisible_Visible, an asexual person may avoid any kind of physical contact out of fear that the sexual person would naturally want to escalate the contact towards sexual interaction, perhaps based on previous experiences with exactly that happening. This tendency could be quite magnified if a previous experience was especially traumatic (e.g. rape, at the extreme). How to get through it -- primarily talking and communication, therapy (for both partners individually), and maybe small exercises to help build trust that a physical touch will not lead to an expectation of sex? Note I am not talking about trying to get to the point of having sex with your sex repulsed ace partner, because I don't think that's ever going to happen -- I am just talking about getting to the point of her being willing to hold hands, give you a brief hug or cuddle, or not jump out of bed should you give her a brief caress to her shoulders, or whatever -- that she can accept and be willing to participate in these physical displays of affection without fear that you are going to want to take the next step, and the next, towards sex...  So it's training for you as much as it is for her.

[sirmadame]

It's a pandemic so touching other people can be deadly. I am sexual, very sexual, and my partner came out to me as Asexual in Jan. We have an open relationship but I am having a hard time because meeting my sexual needs means finding someone that doesn't have a larger exposure circle and we are mutually attracted. How do I meet my needs without putting my partner and my health at risk. I am getting really resentful of my partner. If there wasn't a pandemic I could just go out and find a sex partner... I had a couple before the pandemic. My partner has offered to compromise and find erotic activities we can do together that respect their boundaries but we never do them. I feel like we have the same conversation over and over. I ask for things, they agree, but then never make time for it.

HELP! I want to stay in this very loving kind affectionate relationship yet I am at a dead end. I can't wait another year for the pandemic to end before being touched again.

What has worked in your mixed relationships?

[Egillis916]

I’m 4 months living together with my wife I’ve been dating, mostly long distance, for a year and half. She faked feeling sexual and lied about it until she told me she is asexual after she moved in. She is willing to “do sex” with me and even felt into it one time early in when I pushed her away because I felt she was being a fraud. She tells me that because of pushing her away, I’ve traumatized her and she’ll never feel that again or approach her again. So I feel punished for trying to respect both our boundaries, feel distrustful because I had been duped so much before and it breaks my heart every time she brings this up and blames me. My question is, I’m trying to come to my own resolution with her as I love her very much. But I think i have anger, feel duped, and resentful a lot of the time. I feel grief at the loss of connection just from touch. Have anyone of you gone through this phase and come out the other side?  I just want to feel resolved in myself. And with her. It’s a difficult stage as I am so in love with her, not being able to express this through touch is killing me. She also is brilliant autistic. Always beautiful, she’s been through the mill of people grabbing at her for sex. We both were molested.  I feel screwed up because I want more on top of a beautifully connected emotional relationship and don’t know why I’m torturing myself about this. 

Edited October 6, 2020 by Egillis916

[SusannaC]

@Egillis916 I been through similar and it’s very tough. You aren’t alone in these feelings...  Hang in there and don’t be hard on yourself.  Remember that she can’t help being asexual anymore than you can change being sexual. 

[Sapphire0021]

Although I do appreciate this thread and the discussion happening, I feel like I was hoping for something else. I am a sexual person who has been in a relationship with someone who began realizing her lack of sexual interest about six months into our two and a half year relationship. Since then we have had many conversations wherein which I have come to understand some of it may have to do with unhealed trauma but most of it seems to be a lack of interest, no repulsion save for certain acts but for the most part it is simply that she doesn’t want it. The beginning of our relationship for me and I thought also for her was exploding with sexual passion and compatibility and now it’s completely dissolved. When sex does happen (which is less than once a month, or even every two months) it’s not satisfying, there’s no real passion, that’s what I can’t seem to let go of, the experience of my partner wanting me in an urgent and consuming way which drives a sexual experience, there isn’t anything else like it and there isn’t anything to replace that, not sensually, not through other acts of intimacy and while I do value those other things highly, I am often consumed with the need for passion. Anything even vaguely sensual is immediately shut down and the rejection is killing me. She knows I don’t expect it to lead to sex. Although we’ve been going through this for a long time we haven’t even begun to negotiate a compromise or talked about what that would look like. I came to this thread looking for more or less an idea of what compromise looks like in other relationships. Do you have a schedule? Do you have a pass? Did you open up the relationship? Are there other options I’m not thinking about? I want to clarify that I love my partner very much and the relationship that we have built. It’s just that there are times when the rejection is too much to bear, where the loss of what we used to have is too great a loss, but also times when I just want to feel sexually confident, where I need to feel sexually desired and wanted and where my need to have a satisfying and exciting sexual experience is so overwhelming that I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I know many relationships lose their sexual excitement or it at least waxes and wanes but, this feels like an eternal wane. We’ve celebrated two anniversary’s and we were neither sexual nor sensual nor intimate for either occasion. I want to begin to try to find a compromise but I’d love advise from people who are doing it.

Thank you for taking the time to read my long post.

[Mountain House]

5 hours ago, Sapphire0021 said:

I am a sexual person who has been in a relationship with someone who began realizing her lack of sexual interest

Hi @Sapphire0021, I'm sorry you struggle.  You are with others that relate to your experience.  Venture further into the "For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies" forum.  There are members that represent each of the possible solutions you've outlined.

 

So, yes, some choose celibacy, some have schedules/compromises, some open their relationship, and some end their relationship.  All are valid options.  If you have questions about something specifically then start a thread and ask.  It'll be easier for you to follow.

 

 

[uhtred]

On 11/21/2020 at 7:29 AM, Sapphire0021 said:

Although I do appreciate this thread and the discussion happening, I feel like I was hoping for something else. I am a sexual person who has been in a relationship with someone who began realizing her lack of sexual interest about six months into our two and a half year relationship. Since then we have had many conversations wherein which I have come to understand some of it may have to do with unhealed trauma but most of it seems to be a lack of interest, no repulsion save for certain acts but for the most part it is simply that she doesn’t want it. The beginning of our relationship for me and I thought also for her was exploding with sexual passion and compatibility and now it’s completely dissolved. When sex does happen (which is less than once a month, or even every two months) it’s not satisfying, there’s no real passion, that’s what I can’t seem to let go of, the experience of my partner wanting me in an urgent and consuming way which drives a sexual experience, there isn’t anything else like it and there isn’t anything to replace that, not sensually, not through other acts of intimacy and while I do value those other things highly, I am often consumed with the need for passion. Anything even vaguely sensual is immediately shut down and the rejection is killing me. She knows I don’t expect it to lead to sex. Although we’ve been going through this for a long time we haven’t even begun to negotiate a compromise or talked about what that would look like. I came to this thread looking for more or less an idea of what compromise looks like in other relationships. Do you have a schedule? Do you have a pass? Did you open up the relationship? Are there other options I’m not thinking about? I want to clarify that I love my partner very much and the relationship that we have built. It’s just that there are times when the rejection is too much to bear, where the loss of what we used to have is too great a loss, but also times when I just want to feel sexually confident, where I need to feel sexually desired and wanted and where my need to have a satisfying and exciting sexual experience is so overwhelming that I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I know many relationships lose their sexual excitement or it at least waxes and wanes but, this feels like an eternal wane. We’ve celebrated two anniversary’s and we were neither sexual nor sensual nor intimate for either occasion. I want to begin to try to find a compromise but I’d love advise from people who are doing it.

Thank you for taking the time to read my long post.

Its important to be realistic in your expectations.  Don't expect thigns to change, and then be honest with yoourself about whether you can be happy as they are. 

[superbrooke3]

I know this as an old thread, but maybe someone will have some advice.

I am asexual and married to allosexual for almost 3 years. While the rest of the relationship is quite happy, the matter of sex is a bit sticky. While I understand that sex is part of a completely fulfilling relationship for my husband, I struggle when it comes to making him feel wanted. 

He has explained that he wants sex to feel spontaneous and wants to feel wanted outside of actual intercourse. I want to be able to do that for him, but the things that make me feel wanted are obviously not the same for him.

We have discussed that I just don't see people in a sexual way at all so I really don't know how to express a "want" for him. I like to cuddle, but anytime things get a little more intimate or "touchy", I feel really awkward and stiff. I do not understand where the definition is between "lets go to sleep" cuddling and "let's be more intimate" cuddling. I genuinely can't see cuddling on a whole as any more sexual than snuggling a pet or a stuffed animal. If anyone can explain the difference, I would be very grateful.

For any allosexual people, do you have any advice for how to initiate intercourse in a spontaneous way? I know he hates feeling like sex is scheduled or on a time limit. For me, I have to kind of mentally prepare for it beforehand and I have a bad habit of approaching it like an item on a to-do list for the day.

Wishing y'all well.

[Guest]

12 minutes ago, superbrooke3 said:

 

For any allosexual people, do you have any advice for how to initiate intercourse in a spontaneous way? I know he hates feeling like sex is scheduled or on a time limit. For me, I have to kind of mentally prepare for it beforehand and I have a bad habit of approaching it like an item on a to-do list for the day.

Wishing y'all well.

I mean... sex normally is initiated from mundane activities because of desire. So, cuddling would turn to kissing, then letting hands wander... maybe you brushed their body in a certain way or they touched yours in a certain way and it sparked something. Walk up behind someone who is washing dishes and kiss their neck and nibble their ear. There isn't really a formula to it. Just, when you feel it, you let them know through mostly non-verbal cues. 

 

You don't feel it. So, it's going to be hard for you to just spontaneously act on the feelings by initiating passionate desire that you don't have. You could I guess mentally prep yourself one day and put on lingerie or something for him to come home to sex. Or, plan a big date that will end in sex, wearing nice things and lighting candles and all that. Or various other ways. But, the casual groping, the mutual passion when a kiss sparks both of your desires, the energy that comes from mutual desire just from laying in bed together... he's never going to get any of that, so he kinda needs to just accept that. Asexuals aren't capable of the casual sexuality that sexuals share outside of sexy times. And yeah, it might suck for him. But, that's just life in a mixed relationship. Mutual sexual desire is expressed between my wife and I daily - even if sex only happens once or twice a week normally due to work and all that. We flirt, we kiss, we touch, we tease, we make each other anticipate later in the week... but it's natural and normal for us, because we both feel it. You could maybe fake some of it, but I can't see how that would be fulfilling if it's faked and scripted. 

[Mountain House]

Hi @superbrooke3,

I am an allosexual people.   And if I didn't know what my wife was doing just minutes ago I would go track her down to see if she had written this.

 

First, the cuddling.  Our approach was to make cuddling just cuddling.  If I get "uncomfortable" <ahem> then I just tell her and we end it - no harm.  My goal was to protect cuddling because I need it as much as she does.  We are a year along our journey and at this point I don't think she has had that awkward/stiff response to cuddling for months now.

 

As for spontaneity, we haven't figured that out.  My wife thinks it's unfair that this isn't in her wheelhouse and I just tell her to remain authentic to herself.

 

She also needs time to prepare before sex and she would like it if I could initiate.  Our current experiment is for me to request sex with at least an hour prior to the time we would have sex and she says yes or no.  This kind of works.  It adds a little randomness.  When she suggested this (yep, her idea) I told her I'm not going to ask every time I want sex because that would drive her crazy.  I have to be in tune with her better than that.  The kind of aspect is actually me having problems with it.  I get to worrying that I might pressure her or I could get that old feeling of rejection again or ...  She hasn't had issue with it.

 

Yeah, scheduled sex worked for a very short time and then it didn't.

[superbrooke3]

10 minutes ago, Serran said:

I mean... sex normally is initiated from mundane activities because of desire. So, cuddling would turn to kissing, then letting hands wander... maybe you brushed their body in a certain way or they touched yours in a certain way and it sparked something. Walk up behind someone who is washing dishes and kiss their neck and nibble their ear. There isn't really a formula to it. Just, when you feel it, you let them know through mostly non-verbal cues.  

Thank you. Your explanation is actually really helpful! 

 

I agree with your suggestion of kind of 'prepping' myself. I mean, lingerie has always been mainly for the wearer to feel sexy right?

Thank you again! All the best to you.

[superbrooke3]

@Mountain House

Are you sure you're not actually my husband? Sounds awful familiar!

 

Honestly, I'm really glad to hear a perspective from the other side of the same equation. Everything you said is practically identical to what my husband has expressed.

I know he's always worried about pressuring me, despite my best assurances that he's not. I have told him that he seriously just has to tell me in words when he wants to because I CANNOT take a hint. He hates having to ask and wants it to be more "organic", which I really do understand. I just cannot read the physical hints without them being very blatant. I also have no idea how to initiate "organically". 

 

Congrats on a year, by the way!

All the best to you.

[Mountain House]

2 minutes ago, superbrooke3 said:

I have told him that he seriously just has to tell me in words when he wants to because I CANNOT take a hint.

I chuckled at this.  She also has no memory so I have to remember that if I asked yesterday and she said no (which is fine) I can't assume she would be aware that I still do.

 

By the way, at this point I would see through the lingerie thing and feel pretty weird about it.  It would be cool, but there would have to be a period to transition to a new normal.

 

As to the year, that's one year knowing about asexuality in over forty years of being together.  We've weathered some rough seas and it is cool that you and your husband are learning this so early.

 

I wish you well too!

[superbrooke3]

7 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

As to the year, that's one year knowing about asexuality in over forty years of being together.  We've weathered some rough seas and it is cool that you and your husband are learning this so early.

The congrats on a year still stands.  I think we can agree that this has not been an ideal year to add any personal revelations or navigate relationship matters. The asexual x allosexual is not an easy conversation to have, at any point in a relationship I would expect.

[Mountain House]

Lol.  Well, when were young marrieds, asexuality wasn't "real" and our problem was explained to us as dead-bedroom/libido mismatch/don't really love each other.  The professional advice was always one of: she is broken and needs to fake it until she makes it to get her mojo, I suck as a lover and couldn't push a button if it were huge and red, get a divorce because despite you saying you love each other - you really don't.  And we bought in except for the love each other, because, damn, we know better than that.

 

Suffice it to say that those ideas were really destructive.  Yeah, the asexual/sexual subject was scary but for us it has been a really good thing no matter the year it has been.  Now we know what's up.  Our relationship has improved pretty dramatically.

[superbrooke3]

I am so glad that it has improved your relationship. @Mountain House Nobody deserves to have all that nonsense thrown at them.

I am really so glad that I found out about it about a year before meeting my husband. It was able to make sure he knew early on.

I heard a lot of the same ideas even before marriage. (very isolated  conservative hometown) 

My favorites are "You just don't want to admit that you are getting older" I was a teenager at the time.

or "You know you are going to have to start doing it sometime. You DO want to have a family and a husband, right?"

 

[Guest]

 

 

5 hours ago, superbrooke3 said:

 

 

I have told him that he seriously just has to tell me in words when he wants to because I CANNOT take a hint. He hates having to ask and wants it to be more "organic", which I really do understand. I just cannot read the physical hints without them being very blatant. I also have no idea how to initiate "organically". 

Just a note on this initiate without asking thing ...

 

My wife and I may non-verbal cue but we also explicitly use verbal requests. The reason is because we both have trauma in our past and the explicit verbal consent is vital for both of us to feel comfortable. Without it, sex won't happen, even if we both want it to. 

 

So... maybe share with him that verbal asking is actually in some cases the opposite of pressuring and forcing, but can be a really cool respect of consent thing that is super attractive. It is really easy for non-verbal signaling to lead to pressure and "giving in", but verbal is like a safe word..  if you dont say yes, it is an automatic no. And it can be a lot easier to just not say yes than to actively say no when someone starts kissing up on you and obviously wants it. 

 

[Aquarius03]

Hi superbrooke3,

 

First of all,

 

 Welcome to the forum.

 

No pun intended, but according to your profile, you joined in 2014. I guess you assumed in 2014 that you might be asexuel.

 

You have been with your husband for approximately three years.

 

Did you tell him upfront that you might be asexuel ?  If not why did you not tell him ?

 

I am married to an obviously asexuel woman and she always stated otherwise.

 

I would like to better understand why people who don't want sex do not tell this to prospective partners.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 19, 2021 by Aquarius03

[superbrooke3]

Hi @Aquarius03

 

You are totally correct. 2014 was when I found out about asexuality as a thing. Up until that point, I had just assumed something was wrong with me or I hadn't met the right person (not uncommon ideas for people still figuring it out). 

 

I met my husband almost 2 years after that and I was upfront about being asexual pretty early on. That being said, I did not tell him immediately upon entering into a fairly casual dating relationship. There's a couple reasons that I personally did this. This is obviously a very personal decision either way and I am not necessarily representative of everyone's reasoning.

 

1. It's not always an easy conversation to have. I've encountered many people that are just not open to the idea of someone being asexual. It's not fun to be told you are wrong or don't understand your own sexual preferences.

 

2. It was not anticipated that sex would be a part of the relationship at that point. If it's not something that is on the table, no reason to really get into it. This is of course up for debate and heavily depends upon the individuals involved.

 

3. I had not yet become fully comfortable with discussing the matter (see reason 1). I had been propositioned before and had always relied upon the whole " I think there's been a misunderstanding", or "I'm not that kind of girl". It even happened pretty early on between my husband and I before we actually started dating. After that, it was well established that it was off the table for the time being.

 

4. There is a lot of pressure on everyone to be expected to want sex, or that it's a necessary part of a serious relationship. For some people, not having sex is a dealbreaker and that is okay, just like it's okay if having sex is the dealbreaker. From my perspective, there is a lot of anxiety attached to the potential that a partner will leave because of it. To be honest, I kind of expected my husband to no longer be interested in me after I told him I was asexual and what that meant. I anticipated that he would not really want to spend the time dating if there was not "end result" to get to. It would not have been the first time. But I ultimately didn't want things to get dragged out and for him to ultimately feel like I was "leading him on".

 

All that being said, I would suggest letting your wife ultimately determine if she identifies as asexual or not. It's just like telling someone they are gay, even if they are, they need to make that determination and come to terms with that identity on their own. In the meantime, you can just work to understand each other's needs and wants without putting a label on it. 

 

You may be able to find better or different explanations in other threads more geared toward answering this question, or, start a thread about it! Lots of conversations to join on here!

[iff]

I couldn't help but think of spfa when reading a novel currently. 

 

None of the characters are asexual (none yet introduced that is. The novel is about a man who servived the atomic bomb in hiroshima and has excerpts from the 4 women he had been in relationships with) 

In the first womans chapter, she is describing her relationships that she had. 

In terms of a mismatch in desire, she describes a relationship as consisting of "a conciliation of desires" 

She also says "I was in love with my boyfriend. And yet, how can I put this, I wasn't in love with his desire for me" 

[Aquarius03]

Hi superbrooke3,

 

Thank you very much for your honest answer. I wish you all the best for you and your husband and that you will be able to find a kind of compromise which makes both of you happy.

 

I met my wife when she was 19 ( I was 21) and came from a extremely conservative catholic home. I always thought this was the reason why she was very shy about sex. After she fell pregnant we married. That was 35 years ago. I assumed that with a lot of love, understanding and talking we can reach a fullfilling sex live for both of us. We had a lot of discussions and there were always only excuses why she did not want have sex with me. She always told me that she will do something but never did. After a couple of years I fell in a heavy depression because I must be so unattractive that no other woman would like to have me in her bed.

 

We have been seperated for a couple of years now. The main reason (from my point of view) is that she did not want to discuss the topic. You know the big elephant in the living room. I was always honest with her but she was not.

 

Unless someone is not willing to discuss the topic there is not compromise or solution possible.

 

Again, I wish you and your husband all the best.

 

 

 

 

[Kbar17]

Hi. So after 5 years of marriage I found out last night that the reason we rarely have sex is because my husband sees it kinda like a transaction, he doesn't have interest but if he enjoys being with someone he know they will want sex so that's why he does it. After researching I understand that he is an asexual. I want our marriage to work, besides the lack of intimacy I have an amazing husband who is an outstanding father, I don't want to throw away our marriage over sex, but as someone who didn't experience much variety before we got together and has alot of urges now this has been alot harder than I could have expected. I just don't know where to start besides just education but all this reading and it seems that it will have to be me that gives up alot of these desires. I don't know where to start I just need some help. Someone to tell me how they make their relationship work. I know everyone is different but I appreciate anything.