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Sexual Compromise & Support

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AceMissBehaving
1 hour ago, Pheedre said:

Yes, that sounds good. I don't know though, it's odd because touching and cuddling almost never occur to me, I'd rather be watching a movie with someone, but in my own space, if they want to put an arm around me or something fine but I'm not a fan of being all wrapped up in one another lol. Plus I get hot easily lol 🥵

Then maybe your other half can learn to understand that as your "love language" so to speak?

 

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JDIT

Hi everyone! I’m new to this community but just looking for some advice about the current situation I’m in. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year. We always had a pretty active sex life with her usually initiating. We actually got into a little bit of a fight once over me not initiating enough. She was always looking for ways do spice things up and she always seemed to enjoy everything that was happening. A few months ago she told me that she maybe thought she was gray-ace but didn’t want anything to change about us. I didn’t really think much of it because things didn’t really change but now we haven’t had sex in a quite awhile. I brought it up and it started this huge feud with me not really understanding her position and her not really understanding my position. I took everything very personally because obviously it seemed like it had to be my fault, because everything was so hot and heavy and now it’s not. I don’t want to pressure her into doing anything ever, but she said sometimes she does feel pressured, even when I don’t initiate. She also said she doesn’t want anything to change and is still sexually attracted to me. I’m a sexual person and definitely (probably wrongly) feel like sex is an emotional, intimate thing I need in a relationship to feel validated. I’m afraid even bringing it up again will make her feel pressured and now I feel like every time she initiates that it’s for the wrong reasons, which makes me feel horrible about the whole situation. I’ve been feeling so many mixed emotions these past few weeks and I’ve been really frustrated and sad and questioning everything about us. If anyone has any advice on how to communicate, or how to be a supportive partner, or how to make sure I’m not emotionally killing myself at the same time, I’d appreciate it.

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uhtred
11 hours ago, JDIT said:

Hi everyone! I’m new to this community but just looking for some advice about the current situation I’m in. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year. We always had a pretty active sex life with her usually initiating. We actually got into a little bit of a fight once over me not initiating enough. She was always looking for ways do spice things up and she always seemed to enjoy everything that was happening. A few months ago she told me that she maybe thought she was gray-ace but didn’t want anything to change about us. I didn’t really think much of it because things didn’t really change but now we haven’t had sex in a quite awhile. I brought it up and it started this huge feud with me not really understanding her position and her not really understanding my position. I took everything very personally because obviously it seemed like it had to be my fault, because everything was so hot and heavy and now it’s not. I don’t want to pressure her into doing anything ever, but she said sometimes she does feel pressured, even when I don’t initiate. She also said she doesn’t want anything to change and is still sexually attracted to me. I’m a sexual person and definitely (probably wrongly) feel like sex is an emotional, intimate thing I need in a relationship to feel validated. I’m afraid even bringing it up again will make her feel pressured and now I feel like every time she initiates that it’s for the wrong reasons, which makes me feel horrible about the whole situation. I’ve been feeling so many mixed emotions these past few weeks and I’ve been really frustrated and sad and questioning everything about us. If anyone has any advice on how to communicate, or how to be a supportive partner, or how to make sure I’m not emotionally killing myself at the same time, I’d appreciate it.

Many sexual people need sex in order to feel romantic love, so there is nothing wrong with you - or with her. The incompatibility can make things very difficult or impossible if there is not enough overlap. 

 

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anisotrophic
6 hours ago, uhtred said:

Many sexual people need sex in order to feel romantic love, so there is nothing wrong with you - or with her. The incompatibility can make things very difficult or impossible if there is not enough overlap. 

 

To expand, I think it can help to explain the emotional aspect. And yes, it's totally normal, not wrong at all. I think this is buried in media that emphasizes other aspects of sexuality, but it's commonly the hardest thing a sexual partner reports. Sometimes (*sometimes*) it helps for an ace partner to hear that it's how you express & experience love. I know it did for us.

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Pheedre
On 10/7/2019 at 3:15 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

Then maybe your other half can learn to understand that as your "love language" so to speak?

 

Sorry, I didn't see this response till now. Yes, I don't know, maybe he could...wouldn't be good enough to replace sex though 😂

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
3 minutes ago, Pheedre said:

Sorry, I didn't see this response till now. Yes, I don't know, maybe he could...wouldn't be good enough to replace sex though 😂

The only thing good enough to replace sex is gaming while eating junk food! ...and BBC Sherlock... and The Lord of the Rings.. and having a cup of tea while reading a good book.. and cake.. and pie!!! Oh wait.. I forgot..  sexual partners usually don't agree with the above :c 

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Pheedre
5 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

The only thing good enough to replace sex is gaming while eating junk food! ...and BBC Sherlock... and The Lord of the Rings.. and having a cup of tea while reading a good book.. and cake.. and pie!!! Oh wait.. I forgot..  sexual partners usually don't agree with the above :c 

Hahahah! You had me at BBC Shelock 😍  I know, I wish I had a partner who understood these things and equated THEM with love instead of sex lolol

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uhtred
6 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

The only thing good enough to replace sex is gaming while eating junk food! ...and BBC Sherlock... and The Lord of the Rings.. and having a cup of tea while reading a good book.. and cake.. and pie!!! Oh wait.. I forgot..  sexual partners usually don't agree with the above :c 

All good things (though I'm a weirdo who prefers Elementary to Sherlock) but they don't replace sex.  (or music)

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Switters
On 12/6/2012 at 7:52 PM, veganvamp said:

I am an asexual dating a sexual. I am still trying to figure out how often is too often for me and how little is too little for my partner. I said I would compromise once a month, but to not count on me bringing it up because its not on my mind, obviously.

So far he has come to terms with my asexuality and he no longer pushes me for sex. Our relationship is better for it.

When I compromise, I usually have to mentally prepare myself throughout the day. Just so I am not surprised and even more resistant when the time comes, it is nice to know ahead of time. Which unfortunately takes the romance away from my partner. We don't have a perfect system yet, just communication! Which I learned from being on this forum :)

I'm a sexual. I can't have sex with my partner even though she is willing. To be honest it feels like rape. I have bought pillows to stop me from touching her in my sleep. She isn't bothered so she says but I feel bad

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anisotrophic
36 minutes ago, Switters said:

I can't have sex with my partner even though she is willing. To be honest it feels like rape.

Ask her to tie you up and then have sex with you? (Sorry, I’m hopelessly pragmatic.)

 

The repulsed stage is real, I remember pushing through it. Actually I remember attempting sex for a while & aborting and crying and he switched to comforting me. Dang. Those were the days... I’m glad I did that & he’s always been kind about it, he’s very indifferent about the chore, and I adapted to seeking charity.

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Switters
2 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Ask her to tie you up and then have sex with you? (Sorry, I’m hopelessly pragmatic.)

 

The repulsed stage is real, I remember pushing through it. Actually I remember attempting sex for a while & aborting and crying and he switched to comforting me. Dang. Those were the days... I’m glad I did that & he’s always been kind about it, he’s very indifferent about the chore, and I adapted to seeking charity.

 

2 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Ask her to tie you up and then have sex with you? (Sorry, I’m hopelessly pragmatic.)

 

The repulsed stage is real, I remember pushing through it. Actually I remember attempting sex for a while & aborting and crying and he switched to comforting me. Dang. Those were the days... I’m glad I did that & he’s always been kind about it, he’s very indifferent about the chore, and I adapted to seeking charity.

We have tried that. It has more to do with being a Harvey Weinstein. The idea of having sex with someone who doesn't want sex is too difficult for me. It would be like having sex with someone unconscious 

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anisotrophic
29 minutes ago, Switters said:

It has more to do with being a Harvey Weinstein. The idea of having sex with someone who doesn't want sex is too difficult for me.

I get it, but... at some point the ball is in your court, I guess? That's what I figured. I had a lot of therapy to get over having sex when my partner is willing-but-has-no-desire. I mean, it's not something anyone should have to adapt to, but I decided... I guess I decided if my partner is willing to have sex, I can adapt to being comfortable with his lack of desire for it.

 

I mean it's still sad, I cried last week for a half hour or so wondering if I'd ever experience someone I love that desires me... but usually I'm just tough on myself about it now, not everyone gets everything in life.

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Switters
1 minute ago, anisotrophic said:

I get it, but... at some point the ball is in your court, I guess? That's what I figured. I had a lot of therapy to get over having sex when my partner is willing-but-has-no-desire. I mean, it's not something anyone should have to adapt to, but I decided... I guess I decided if my partner is willing to have sex, I can adapt to being comfortable with his lack of desire for it.

 

I mean it's still sad, I cried last week for a half hour or so wondering if I'd ever experience someone I love that desires me... but usually I'm just tough on myself about it now, not everyone gets everything in life.

For me I just have to accept it. She loves me completely and I have realized this is us. I too am tough on myself and feel I need to be the bigger person. The way she touched me at the beginning will never happen again. We both know what she needed from me was different. I am looking for a pragmatic solution. 

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Switters
Just now, Switters said:

For me I just have to accept it. She loves me completely and I have realized this is us. I too am tough on myself and feel I need to be the bigger person. The way she touched me at the beginning will never happen again. We both know what she needed from me was different. I am looking for a pragmatic solution. 

It is a terrible thing. My mother and sister and every woman I have ever known has been assaulted. I was told the stories from an early age. So from pre-puberty I changed and trained myself. So now the idea of Bill Cosby or anyone is pretty much a nightmare for me. I'm one of the few guys going through puberty who has turned down sex. I feel really guilty getting an erection in bed with my wife. I slept naked most my life and can't now because I feel like I'm being that guy who rubs his crotch on women.  

 

When my wife and I met after I found out she had lied to me about her sexual history I took it the wrong way. I told her everything from the start which dwarfed her experiences. Thinking she needed me to help empower her. Like getting her to tie me up and blindfold me. But the truth is giving myself to her completely felt like playing backgammon to her. 

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Switters
2 minutes ago, Switters said:

It is a terrible thing. My mother and sister and every woman I have ever known has been assaulted. I was told the stories from an early age. So from pre-puberty I changed and trained myself. So now the idea of Bill Cosby or anyone is pretty much a nightmare for me. I'm one of the few guys going through puberty who has turned down sex. I feel really guilty getting an erection in bed with my wife. I slept naked most my life and can't now because I feel like I'm being that guy who rubs his crotch on women.  

 

When my wife and I met after I found out she had lied to me about her sexual history I took it the wrong way. I told her everything from the start which dwarfed her experiences. Thinking she needed me to help empower her. Like getting her to tie me up and blindfold me. But the truth is giving myself to her completely felt like playing backgammon to her. 

Are YOU satisfied with things?

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Switters

I mean when you do have sex?

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NannaAnna
Posted (edited)

self delete

Edited by NannaAnna

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CBC

@Switters You know you can just start typing in the reply box, yeah? You don't need to quote yourself every time. It's confusing to read.

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Serran

I'm beginning to get very sex repulsed again. To the point even a PG-13 scene of it in a movie can be too much. I'm looking through stuff and going "nope..nope.. why does everything have explicit minutes long sex and nude scenes...no...no...no..." I know why but not sure how to reset it again. Meh. 

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ryn2
5 minutes ago, Serran said:

not sure how to reset it again

*hugs*

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Skullery Maid

Go easy on yourself and give it time. Decreasing pressure... letting yourself off the hook for feeling differently at the moment... can definitely help. Sexuality is a fragile thing. Let the bud regrow. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
On 1/7/2020 at 6:43 PM, Switters said:

I mean when you do have sex?

Haven't had sex in 8 years so I wouldn't know :P

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Balance

re tv shows, I agree. I grew up on regular tv channels (not cable) so it's shocking to me watching certain tv shows/movies online that have that. Sometimes I can skip over them, other times I just look away. It just seems like filler to me.

 

Even some topics on aven are too much for me scrolling through Activity. I wish they had a filter so I'm not reading the more sexual topics. I try to skip over them but sometimes...

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Serran
10 hours ago, Skullery Maid said:

Go easy on yourself and give it time. Decreasing pressure... letting yourself off the hook for feeling differently at the moment... can definitely help. Sexuality is a fragile thing. Let the bud regrow. 

I honestly dont know how to decrease pressure. I need to be perfect to win in my scenario. 

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ryn2
43 minutes ago, Serran said:

I need to be perfect to win in my scenario. 

In what sense?  That sounds awfully stressful.

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Bzztoh
On 1/7/2020 at 4:52 AM, Switters said:

I'm a sexual. I can't have sex with my partner even though she is willing. To be honest it feels like rape. I have bought pillows to stop me from touching her in my sleep. She isn't bothered so she says but I feel bad

I feel sorry for you. I understand your feelings, but still. It is sad to see when people struggle while the solution is in their grasp, but their personality makes it impossible to take it. Must be hard.

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anisotrophic
44 minutes ago, Bzztoh said:

I feel sorry for you. I understand your feelings, but still. It is sad to see when people struggle while the solution is in their grasp, but their personality makes it impossible to take it. Must be hard.

I decided I could choose to be a "monster" or a "martyr", and that "martyr" would be the worse path. These aren't pleasant paths to choose between, but sometimes that's all life leaves us.

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Bzztoh
9 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

I decided I could choose to be a "monster" or a "martyr", and that "martyr" would be the worse path. These aren't pleasant paths to choose between, but sometimes that's all life leaves us.

Exactly. And I really don’t judge any choice. But I feel for a couple where one wants to give out of love and the other doesn’t want to take out of love. Tears in my eyes, really. But I am known to be to emotional :)

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pansexual

Trigger warning: sexual acts mentioned

 

Hi, all!

 

I'm new to this site, but I'm thankful it's here. 

I'm a sexual married to an asexual. I didn't know he was asexual until we were married for a few years. When we sat down and really talked about it, I was extremely disappointed. It did, however, explain some things. We've tried different things here and there, to find a compromise. It definitely isn't for lack of trying! But he also has a few chronic conditions that have worsened over the years, so I wanted to stop. As we know, sex is a pretty physical act. When autoimmune conditions affect your joints and blood flow, it makes it damn near impossible. I've also tried to "top" him (since blood flows better while he's laying down), but a combination of my short legs with his wide hips and me not wanting to force anything onto him made that method ineffective. I've been really sad about it on and off for years. I'm sad for myself, although I try not to have a pity party too much about it. I'm also mad at myself because I feel like I don't appreciate my wonderful husband enough if I let this one little thing affect our-otherwise wonderful-lives. 

I'm sad for my husband, because he's very insecure about the whole thing, too. He watches me get sad about it a few times each year, and he feels helpless. I want so hard to fight those feelings so he won't have to re-live watching me suffer about it, because that's not fair to him at all. He will only feel at peace with himself once he knows I'm truly happy, and I desperately want to give that to him. He deserves it so much. I reassure him that he's not broken. He's not defective. He's perfect, and everything I need and more.

We have a great relationship otherwise-we're best friends. It's the best and most pure love I've ever felt. We love being around one another, and we're almost always touching when we're together. It's not for lack of physical attraction on his part, either. He calls me beautiful constantly and tries to boost my self-esteem. 

I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing...And that's the part that both makes me the saddest and makes me the most frustrated. We love each other to pieces. Why doesn't that feel like enough?? A love strong enough to change the world-and I'm so caught up on this little detail.

It's almost like I'll get really down about it, get busy and kind of forget about it for a couple of months (or try hard not to think about it), then it'll creep its way back into my mind, and the cycle repeats. I think it's from me not properly coping with it from the get-go, though. I almost feel like an easy way for us to be on the same page sexually would be for me to be physically unable to have sex. I feel like it would take the issue off of the board altogether. 

I keep trying to force the negative feelings down and force my brain to re-wire and think positively-which works for a little while, then it inevitably snaps back.

I tried to go to therapy about it, just to help me find better coping skills, and the therapist asked me if my husband had gone to therapy himself. She said that him being asexual "wasn't normal" and "something was wrong". I quickly snapped and talked about how there was nothing wrong with him and that me going to therapy in the first place was for me to find better ways to cope, not to point fingers. Needless to say, I'm looking for a new therapist. 

Not to be a negative Nancy either, but that's another tough thing. It's almost easier if it is someone's fault, like it gives you a target to blame and funnel all those negative feelings towards. In situations like these, when it's as fundamental as whether someone wants/likes or doesn't want/doesn't like sex, there's no one to blame. It's just different mental wiring, and neither perspectives are wrong or bad. 

My friends and family haven't been much help, either. They either shrug or say that they would've left him a long time ago, and that's not my goal at all.

He's an amazing person and he deserves the world. I just want to give both of us the life we want. We want to be happy together.

I guess I'm looking for some sense of community and guidance. 

Is it enough to suck it up and say "life's hard sometimes", and move on, putting on a happy face so your partner doesn't have to see you being sad?

If anyone is comfortable talking about it, could you share any compromises that you and your SO have come to? 

Also, how do you cope (in a healthy way) with all of the pent-up frustrations? 

 

If you've made it this far, I really appreciate you listening. I hope you're having an awesome day!! 

Edited by pansexual

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pansexual
On 1/12/2020 at 9:38 PM, anisotrophic said:

I decided I could choose to be a "monster" or a "martyr", and that "martyr" would be the worse path. These aren't pleasant paths to choose between, but sometimes that's all life leaves us.

Is the feeling of being a martyr freeing at all? Does it help?

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