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Sexual Compromise & Support


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6 minutes ago, CBC said:

Everything feels like emotional release for me. That's a weird way to put it, but things feel a bit useless if they aren't. Music. Sex. Crying. Physical activity. Every mental activity I throw myself into, like learning or whatever. Things like alcohol/weed.

I don’t experience this at all and am pretty sure I never have.

 

6 minutes ago, CBC said:

All of it feels driven by an intense and elusive need for satisfaction on what's bordering on a spiritual level (no I'm not religious).

Or this, I (don’t) think, although I am less certain than I am on the top part.

 

7 minutes ago, CBC said:

And I'm always restless no matter what.

I do experience something a bit like this but I think (for me) it’s just anxiety.

 

5 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Well, now it's my turn to feel a little envious.

Huh.  I don’t... it sounds... a little inconvenient, maybe?... to me.  I’m not sure what the right word for it is.  It doesn’t sound awful, or good; just nothing like my experience at all.

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4 minutes ago, CBC said:

I think for me it's a need for something that feels like "enough". I don't think it exists in a permanent way though, I think it's just meant to come in moments. And those are the moments that I live for.

Yeah, I have no sense of that at all.  I mean, I experience things (e.g., a pretty sunset) as pleasant (or not, depending on the thing), but not in a deeply emotional way.  If anything it feels more physical than emotional.

 

Same for drinking, say.  I may feel drunk (a bit dizzy, uncoordinated, slow), or sleepy, but I don’t feel any emotional response.

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(I’m also finding a lot of the response I do get to things that are pretty, e.g., is dependent on someone else - I’m used to being able to call someone’s attention to them and have that person respond happily.  Without that I just kind of make note, and maybe briefly smile)

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I noticed almost immediately when on 30mg per weekly intramuscular injection & it's more dramatic now at 60 mg/week. and congrats to them on starting! if they're injecting, make sure to feel badass about that

I probably meant to type mg, not ml.  Oops.  Quarter liter is kind of a lot...

 

But no, it's a gel.  They don't like needles.

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7 minutes ago, CBC said:

It's interesting how different people are.

Yes!

 

8 minutes ago, CBC said:

I think I always assumed everyone was like me when I was younger

This seems pretty typical... if people react outwardly in a similar manner, how often do we (even as adults) get around to discussing the “why” behind our reactions in very specific detail?  “The sunset is amazing tonight” doesn’t usually launch any sort of deep discussion on how we experience it... so we don’t necessarily get the sense the experience is different for different people.

 

11 minutes ago, CBC said:

They need to understand things similarly in order for me to connect fully.

I need people to be respectful of my views, but that’s definitely different.  I guess I rarely/never find anyone who experiences most things in a similar way.

 

13 minutes ago, CBC said:

One of the most painful experiences is realising someone else just doesn't and can't really get it (whatever 'it' is).

I think I gave up on this a long time ago. It’s not fair (for me) to say that no one gets it, at all, even a little bit, but so few people do that I stopped explaining because I was tired of feeling disappointed.  And freakish.  And like I was disappointing everyone that mattered.

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4 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I probably meant to type mg, not ml.  Oops.  Quarter liter is kind of a lot...

 

But no, it's a gel.  They don't like needles.

People claim method affects side effects; no idea why that be unless it’s peak/trough issues — which I do worry about! Gel seems better for that, but (particular to my situation) I would worry about it getting on our kids. 🙂

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This ties into why I love fiction and stories... I experience emotional reactions to descriptions/depictions of other people experiencing them.

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2 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

People claim method affects side effects; no idea why that be unless it’s peak/trough issues

Yeah, speed of absorption/time to peak concentration would be the big difference between methods...

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People claim method affects side effects; no idea why that be unless it’s peak/trough issues — which I do worry about! Gel seems better for that, but (particular to my situation) I would worry about it getting on our kids.

Some of it might have gotten on me, but frankly, I could probably use more T

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1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

This ties into why I love fiction and stories... I experience emotional reactions to descriptions/depictions of other people experiencing them.

(I pick up on other people’s emotions very strongly and when they’re real people I feel responsible when I’m... not)

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4 hours ago, CBC said:

I think I pick up on them strongly only when they really mirror stuff I've felt myself. And I feel responsible only if I am indeed at least in part responsible. (Like maybe not truly responsible... but in the sense that it's someone I love and their happiness is important to me.)

I pick up on everyone’s, strongly.  It’s part of what makes people exhausting for me.  I want people to be happy and not being able to help with that leaves me stressed.  I definitely feel a stronger sense of responsibility when it’s someone I care about, but I sometimes even feel bad if my existence seems to disappoint a stranger.

 

I intellectually know that, if I casually suggest going for a hike (not like OMG we have to go my life depends upon it) and the other person agrees but then is clearly made miserable by hiking, it’s not my fault... but I feel bad that the thing I am enjoying is making them unhappy instead.

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55 minutes ago, CBC said:

This difference is actually kind of fascinating to me. Human psychology is certainly interesting.

Yes!  Same results, subtly different dysfunctional reasoning.

 

55 minutes ago, CBC said:

Neither reaction is totally healthy I don't think

Oh, definitely not.

 

56 minutes ago, CBC said:

your reaction seems healthier, more empathetic. Mine makes me feel very selfish.

Hah, look, you did it there!

 

57 minutes ago, CBC said:

This is, of course, how I was with all the things I loved or valued that my parents (dad especially) didn't seem to care for when I was growing up.

I think that’s where the subtle difference comes in.  My parents (well, my mom; my dad kept out of it) weren’t directly derisive of the interests or activities themselves; it was always “we’re so disappointed in you.”  The message I took away wasn’t that the things were bad, just that it was my responsibility not to be disappointing.

 

So, with the hiking example, I don’t see hiking as the problem; I see it as a failure on my part to select something they would enjoy.

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For me it’s a failure to be/deliver what people want or need, which is slightly different(ly bad).

 

I do intellectually recognize it as disordered but it’s hard to step completely free of the gut feel part!

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36 minutes ago, CBC said:

I'm not sure what else I have to offer anyone, tbh.

I like talking with you, so there’s that.

 

I mean, obviously other people here do too.  It’s not all about me.  :)

 

~
 

People often do share an interest in the same things while still not having true “common interests.”  As in, they are drawn to the same things for different (and perhaps incompatible) reasons.  I used to see that a lot as a (volunteer) paramedic.

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12 minutes ago, CBC said:

I hope maybe that's true

I can only speak for myself, but...

 

12 minutes ago, CBC said:

This is intriguing to me. What aspect of being a paramedic led to that insight?

You would think (or, at least, I thought) that being drawn to work in emergency medicine (especially as a volunteer but, to some degree, at all) would mean having something in common.  Like, many accountants love math, and structure, and putting things in order; many project managers love to bring order to chaos and just get things done; etc.

 

What I found, though, was that people were there for so many reasons.  Some wanted to help people.  Some were adrenaline junkies.  Some liked to drive the vehicle lights-and-siren.  Some were trauma junkies and liked to swap OMG listen to what I worked last night stories with their like-minded colleagues.  Some wanted the chance to interact with doctors without having to endure eight years of college/uni.  Some wanted to “give back” to the community.  Some

were bored in retirement and wanted something interesting to do.  Some wanted to date firefighters or police.  And so forth.

 

Some of those reasons coexist peacefully.  Others reeeaaally grate upon one another.

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For sure.  The person who’s all excited because last night they saw a severed head!! does not mesh well with the person who’s there to help people or the bored retirees.

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Eh, 12 years in EMS.  I laugh at it too.

 

I despise pastels so I can’t decide if I feel vindicated that you’re not thrilled or sad because you needed something fun and the pastels ain’t it.  😂

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CBC - I found the best solution was to not have sex if part of you is saying NOPE due to other intimacy issues. It feels wrong and makes you feel bad. So, I just refuse til I begin feeling OK again. Sex is so emotionally tied, it requires a certain connection to be that positive, happy thing. You can get it back by repairing the overall intimacy, but dont force yourself while you do. 

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Sorry things are stressful right now, @CBC!

 

I agree with @Serran... while I know conventional wisdom says “make yourself get up off your ass and do the things you normally enjoy; you’ll feel better if you do!”, that’s not always true - especially with clinical depression.  If you force yourself to do something and end up feeling worse (or even the same) instead of better, that’s a signal to set the thing aside for a little while.  Otherwise you risk linking it to the bad feelings, and that’s a real pain to undo later.

 

tl;dr - if sex helps you both feel better about the relationship as you work past this hurdle, great.  If not, take a break from it until you the relationship sorted out some (whatever that means).

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You’re not alone. I think this is very normal and common. As Serran said, “Sex is so emotionally tied.”  Sometimes, when you’re head is clouded with things like insecurities, it’s tough to walk out on that vulnerable limb and willingly feel exposed and, essentially, alone.  
 

You’re taking what you can get in the moment to answer insufficiently that which is bothering you. Sex won’t feed that emotional hunger and is confusing as often times you feel worse after. You basically said that.
 

The answer lies in defining what you need from your partner to heal the insecurity.  Can you clearly tell them what is creating the desire to withdraw and, more importantly, the specific response you need to stop that?  Articulating it clearly and plating up the healing responses can lead to the bridge you need. 

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42 minutes ago, CBC said:

I've never been good with unknowns, ambiguity, things that aren't clearly defined and perhaps can't be. I like surety, clarity, security, certainty. I like things to be neat and tidy.

So same!  I know in reality life doesn’t ever work this way, and I intellectually understand it very thoroughly, but I still don’t like it and struggle with it regularly.

 

44 minutes ago, CBC said:

I don't ever want to paint someone I love so deeply, who's such a part of my... being... as wrong or bad. 

I certainly don’t see you doing that, in any way.  “This isn’t working well for me” doesn’t imply anything negative about the other person.

 

46 minutes ago, CBC said:

I don't want to be codependent; I want to know that I'm ok no matter what. I want my life to consist of many things that make me happy

This is very wise, but also - for me, at least - very difficult.  I guess deep down I don’t believe someone who doesn’t need me to function has any reason to stay.  Which, of course, has been “proven out” each time someone grows past needing me and leaves.

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So again, wholly normal. Have you been aware of the US Stock market over the past 27 hours?  Yeah, uncertainty is a downer generally 😬.
 

Here’s the thing, my advice is figure out how you can settle into the belief in your relationship and it’s promise.  Otherwise, you not only drive yourself bananas, but possibly put the very thing you cherish and don’t want to lose at risk.

 

Living for what you have versus what may or may not is where peace is at. It took me losing my lover for a few months to realize that truth. Thank God in “meant to be”. Belief in the absence of proof (aka faith) in what you’ve built will carry you longer and farther than erosive doubt.

 

Back to the stock market example,  there’s a saying, “Value will out.”  Time, patience, faith and staying open to the journey will allow for “it” to out. Whichever way that is.  😘

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Meanwhile, down south:

 

My lover casually told me this morning, “You don’t have any ‘veneers’.”

 

So now I’m all, “I need some veneers! Where do I get me some veneers?!?” 😳

 

Haha, apparently my transparency transcends. 🙄

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I'm on my third Canadian winter now.  Still loving it, but this is coming from someone who is perpetually hot and had to live somewhere where winter basically doesn't exist (Hawaii) for the majority of their life, so take that as you will.

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I grew up in northern Wisconsin.  I know all about a good hard winter.  There are some annoyances, but overall it's beautiful and I loved the snow so much!  😭

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