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Lady Girl

Sexual Compromise & Support

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Lydian

I copy-pasted a few posts from this to my boyfriend and made sure I wanted him to really know what he was getting himself into. I'm not so naive to think all the worries and insecurities will go away, and who knows, he might feel differently down the road. Still, we both agreed for sure that giving up something you want for something you want more is what a compromise is. It's silly and kind of obvious, but it makes me feel better to hear him say so. :wub:

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LibbyH

I'd venture to say that 75% of the time this isn't even a problem, but that other 25% makes me want to bang my head against a wall or curl up in a ball knowing I'm the only one compromising. It's nice to know that I'm not alone anymore with this, though. It has certainly felt like it for the last several years.

_____________________

BlissfullyYours -- I appreciate hearing your experience. I agree that naming things can't definitely redefine and clarify. Maybe I should work on a "renaming" with my husband. It's hard though, since what I actually WANT is a monogamous sexual relationship with him. I've brought up the idea that I we could open our relationship sexually, but he did not like that idea at all and thought I was "threatening" him by saying it, which I wasn't. I guess for me, I'm more on the side of 75% banging my head and curling in a ball, and 25% okay.

I really appreciate the advice and responses from people. Thank you so much.

We had our first discussion/argument about it last night in the past couple of months. I feel so sad and frustrated. We used to have such an open and warm physical relationship (one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place), but it hasn't been like that for years. I just keep putting myself out there (not just for sex, but also for general affection and sweetness), and I keep being rejected over and over. I know he loves me a lot, he just doesn't want the same kind of closeness as he used to, I guess. After our talk last night I just feel depleted, and I'm sure he does too.

I feel like he's just been paralyzed by his depression, and there are these big aftershocks that are still resonating even though the stress of his mother's death has been dissipating. It's like he just doesn't know how to feel strong and close any more.

Also, assuming that I can get over or live with the lack of sex and affection, how would we even conceive children (which we were planning to try and do this year)? We're both in our 30s. Having sex 1x or 2x a month is not going to be conducive to conception...

Argh.



P.S. Sorry for the weird formatting -- I don't know how to use the quote function properly : )

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Down in Texas

I do not know your religious beliefs or is you could be open to reading or listening to an audio book. I read the book but knew my husband never would so I got the audio book for him. It totally changed my husbands outlook on life in general and took away a lot of his stress. I had also been under extreme stress dealing with the loss of my BF who left behind five children from ages 17 - 8. Then with my four. Later that year I lost my father two weeks later my Mother in law was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and we went through three years of treatment compounded by caring for the mother in law of my BF who broke both hips at different times one hip twice. Any way. The book is by Sylvia Browne titled. A Physics Guide to the Other Side and Back. If it does not go against your belief system I Highly suggest you read it or get the audio it "could" help with the depression also.

Best of Luck. To you both it takes both to make things better its hard doing it alone. I completely understand no matter what side of the issue your on. Again Best of Luck.

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Tater

I'm getting the feeling that the majority of the sexual people in mixed relationships end up being a bit resentful and feeling like that don't have any control at all over their sex lives. My girlfriend and I are in the process of hashing out whether or not to even try sex, but I might be more willing not to if there's a likelihood that she'll end up feeling this way a few months or years down the road. We're a bit backwards in that I'm the one pushing for sex (I'm the ace partner) and she's the one resisting. If getting entangled sexually is going to lead to these sorts of feelings, then I'm more willing to not get entangled in the first place.

If I must ask a question, it would be "How hard is it to avoid making the sexual partner in a mixed relationship feel powerless and resentful?" I realize there's a lot of variation between people, but I didn't realize it was this serious of an issue. I mean, ME holding all the cards? I had never considered it might be that way.

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Lady Girl

I'm getting the feeling that the majority of the sexual people in mixed relationships end up being a bit resentful and feeling like that don't have any control at all over their sex lives. My girlfriend and I are in the process of hashing out whether or not to even try sex, but I might be more willing not to if there's a likelihood that she'll end up feeling this way a few months or years down the road. We're a bit backwards in that I'm the one pushing for sex (I'm the ace partner) and she's the one resisting. If getting entangled sexually is going to lead to these sorts of feelings, then I'm more willing to not get entangled in the first place.

If I must ask a question, it would be "How hard is it to avoid making the sexual partner in a mixed relationship feel powerless and resentful?" I realize there's a lot of variation between people, but I didn't realize it was this serious of an issue. I mean, ME holding all the cards? I had never considered it might be that way.

I think it kind of depends on the partner. It sounds like your partner probably isn't going to have so much of that feeling...especially if you are the one pushing for it. I think the people who resent it and feel like the asexual partner is holding all the cards are either still adjusting or never will. I only have trouble with the arrangement when I'm having hormone issues, otherwise I truly don't resent him.

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Sally

I think the people who resent it and feel like the asexual partner is holding all the cards are either still adjusting or never will.

Yup. :cake:

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jojo2003

I'm getting the feeling that the majority of the sexual people in mixed relationships end up being a bit resentful and feeling like that don't have any control at all over their sex lives. My girlfriend and I are in the process of hashing out whether or not to even try sex, but I might be more willing not to if there's a likelihood that she'll end up feeling this way a few months or years down the road. We're a bit backwards in that I'm the one pushing for sex (I'm the ace partner) and she's the one resisting. If getting entangled sexually is going to lead to these sorts of feelings, then I'm more willing to not get entangled in the first place.

If I must ask a question, it would be "How hard is it to avoid making the sexual partner in a mixed relationship feel powerless and resentful?" I realize there's a lot of variation between people, but I didn't realize it was this serious of an issue. I mean, ME holding all the cards? I had never considered it might be that way.

I think it kind of depends on the partner. It sounds like your partner probably isn't going to have so much of that feeling...especially if you are the one pushing for it. I think the people who resent it and feel like the asexual partner is holding all the cards are either still adjusting or never will. I only have trouble with the arrangement when I'm having hormone issues, otherwise I truly don't resent him.

Absolutely LG. I don't think I feel resentfull about my arrangements with my asexual partner. It is not her that is holding all the cards, we're sharing a deck. It is just that my cards are a bit different.

Of course there are times that I do feel frustrated about the situation. Can't help that, but she can't either. And realizing that has made the difference.

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tcantrell4088

WOW! I am so glad I found this site. My husband and I have been struggling with this battle for years with no sense of what the heck was going on.

I feel like such an ass this morning after reading up on this orientation...I never knew it existed. He is such a wonderful man, and does all the things

that are highlighted on this site as, other forms of intimacy. And is truly the best friend I have ever had. So when I think of all the heated discussions that we have had and all the times that he wondered what was wrong with him, I just sit here and bawl my eyes out! I feel like such a horrible person!

I know it will take some time to fully understand and come to terms with a new way of doing things, but I am just so grateful of the eye opener.

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Lady Girl

Welcome to AVEN! Don't feel bad, a lot of us have been there. :cake:

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Mysticus Insanus

@tcantrell... please don't feel horrible about it. There's a big chance your hubby hasn't found that label to fit himself, either... I sure know I've been wondering about whether there is a word to describe what I feel in a nifty label, and if so, what the heck it is, for over twenty years between mid-puberty and when I found AVEN.

You certainly don't sound like a horrible person, because a horrible person would almost assuredly not be crying over their sitch now if they were in your shoes.

Have some welcoming cake! :cake:

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jojo2003

Hi Tcantrell and welcome. Don't feel silly, most of us have been there. I did feel relieved as well when I found out there was a lable that we could you to ease our discussions about the subject.

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Dhalim

I told my boyfriend when we first started dating that I had a really low libido. Later, as I worked out what was really going on, I told him and he was, again, okay with it. We've fooled around, but I'm extremely slow to warm up, and I am too tense to actually have sex. I've explained that I need time and a lot of foreplay and stretching before it stops being painful, and again, he said he understood. But it is clearly on his mind, and he asked his friends about it, who told him that it "is always uncomfortable the first time" and that it feels better after a bit. But it wouldn't just be uncomfortable to me, it would f***ing hurt, and I need a lot more than the usual prep time for sex. He also said his friends suggested anal. In theory, I'm willing to try, but in reality? Not so much. Like I said, he has said he understood, but… I never felt he was pressuring me for sex until then…

Clearly, I need to talk to him about it, but… I dont know when the perfect time would be. We live an hour away from each other, which is too far for a short 'let's talk' get together, and it's a bit of a serious conversation to have over Skype. Maybe I'm making excuses, but at the same, I love him, and I know how much he wants to have sex, and I'm afraid it would be the 'end all' conversation. So I'm not exactly jumping to have it with him.

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Sally

I told my boyfriend when we first started dating that I had a really low libido. Later, as I worked out what was really going on, I told him and he was, again, okay with it. We've fooled around, but I'm extremely slow to warm up, and I am too tense to actually have sex. I've explained that I need time and a lot of foreplay and stretching before it stops being painful, and again, he said he understood. But it is clearly on his mind, and he asked his friends about it, who told him that it "is always uncomfortable the first time" and that it feels better after a bit. But it wouldn't just be uncomfortable to me, it would f***ing hurt, and I need a lot more than the usual prep time for sex. He also said his friends suggested anal. In theory, I'm willing to try, but in reality? Not so much. Like I said, he has said he understood, but… I never felt he was pressuring me for sex until then…

Clearly, I need to talk to him about it, but… I dont know when the perfect time would be. We live an hour away from each other, which is too far for a short 'let's talk' get together, and it's a bit of a serious conversation to have over Skype. Maybe I'm making excuses, but at the same, I love him, and I know how much he wants to have sex, and I'm afraid it would be the 'end all' conversation. So I'm not exactly jumping to have it with him.

I'd encourage you to have that conversation as soon as possible. There is no perfect time. But since he is to the point of discussing it with his friends for advice, the conversation probably shouldn't wait much longer. Yes, it will be very difficult. But waiting will not make it any easier.

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Rollercoaster

I agree with you, Sally. An hour is a far drive but it's not across the country either.

Dhalim, not judging here and maybe I missed it, but it may be a topic to discuss with your doctor. If BF knows what he is doing and takes his time then physically at least the act should not be painful always. Maybe the low libido is a response to pain in which case it is logical that the body will tense up and then the next experience will be dreadful too. (Sorry for being blunt)

I am NOT saying that you have a problem, but maybe if there is something unique about your body then a professional would be a better source of info than BF's friends. How do you feel about him discussing this with them anway?

If you don't want sex, then the situation is totally different. You can't cave in for someone else's pleasure and be untrue to yourself.

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Dhalim

Thanks for the suggestions :)

I've already been to a doctor. Everything is normal from what she could see, so that's not the issue. I bought a dilator to help me stretch and enjoy it, but like any muscle, the stretching needs to be more often than once or twice a month, when I can get in the mood enough to use it. It doesn't help that neither of us are very experienced when it comes to this sort of thing.

It's a good suggestion you made, Coaster, but my low libido is just that. I'm not usually in the mood for fooling around as often as he is, though I do enjoy it when we do. It's just a matter of actual penetration I'm not all that gung-ho about. I'm curious, but I do hesitate because of the potential pain and it's really not a huge drive for me.

As for the conversation, the two of us happened to have today off, so I stayed the night last night, and finally got up the courage to talk to him about it about half an hour before he had to leave for work. He apologised for making me feel like I was being pressured and that he understood. I also took the opportunity to point out that there's a chance I might never feel ready for sex and asked him to think about that. And then we both cried for a bit because neither of us want what we have to end any time soon. It was all very emotional, but now he knows how I feel and we are keeping the line of communication open both ways :)

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Chook

Hi all - I'm going to go back and read this start to finish, because this is exactly the situation I'm trying to figure out right now and I'll appreciate the different perspectives here.

For me, I don't think I've ever really felt sexual attraction and it's been many years since I had any kind of drive whatsoever. It used to be that I would enjoy it (most of the time, or some of the time, depending on the time in my life) but never craved sex or particularly wanted it. Like most, I put it down to low libido because I didn't know there was such a thing as asexuality.

Over the last few years, sex has become awkward and uncomfortable at best, and I am never really receptive to it although I did try many different things for a long time. Finally a while ago a chat with some friends triggered a conversation with my husband where I explained that sex was a negative thing for me, that while I realise he feels closer to me and that it is a bonding element in our relationship from his side it acts in exactly the opposite way for me. He has so far been very understanding and we haven't had sex for about 8 months now. I feel terrible, like I'm depriving him of something necessary for him, but when we do have sex I feel distant and resentful because it's something I dislike and it feels violating.

I've finally learned what asexuality is and it makes so much sense to me. Now I just have to figure out how to tell my husband about it and navigate with him where we go from here. I'm worried that he has been giving me space thinking it will all get better but that it will be a huge disappointment to discover that this is most likely an unchangeable element of who I am rather than just a phase I'm going through. I'm worried about trying to balance the need he feels for sex with the aversion I have to it. It would feel terribly unfair to tell him we would never have sex again, but the thought of having to commit to regular sex as part of a compromise is extremely unnerving to me.

Thanks for all your support here - I love AVEN! I'll look forward to sitting down to this thread with a cup of tea and learning from all of you.

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LovexNation

As someone who is just embarking in a sexualxasexual relationship, I find it at times confusing. My partner identifies as asexual but admits to enjoying sex due to my reactions. Making me feel good, makes him feel good. I do enjoy the sex, but I don't want him to feel obligated to it in any way...

So I was wondering if any of you could help me out?

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Notte stellata

As someone who is just embarking in a sexualxasexual relationship, I find it at times confusing. My partner identifies as asexual but admits to enjoying sex due to my reactions. Making me feel good, makes him feel good. I do enjoy the sex, but I don't want him to feel obligated to it in any way...

So I was wondering if any of you could help me out?

Some asexuals do enjoy sex for various reasons: the physical pleasure, the intimacy, and/or the pleasure of their partner. Not every asexual feels obligated to have sex with their sexual partner. If your partner says he enjoys sex and doesn't feel obligated, believe him.

Welcome to AVEN, btw. :) :cake:

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jojo2003

As someone who is just embarking in a sexualxasexual relationship, I find it at times confusing. My partner identifies as asexual but admits to enjoying sex due to my reactions. Making me feel good, makes him feel good. I do enjoy the sex, but I don't want him to feel obligated to it in any way...

So I was wondering if any of you could help me out?

Welcome LovexNation.

For a sexual person in a relationship with an asexual it can be confusing sometimes, since you perceive the sexual relations in a different way than your partner.

The main part in your relationship should be that you can trust what he says. Sex can make you feel good for various reasons, so as long as that is the case, does it matter for which reason it makes you both feel good?

I think it is very good that you do not want him to feel obligated. Tell him about that, and I guess you both will even feel better about the sexual relations you do have.

You are both on the right track as I see it. That is good to see. Good luck.

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KittenPuff

I'm new here, so possible TMI is forthcoming. I don't know what the norm is here as far as details go...

I am so glad this conversation is going on. I have been married to what I can only describe as a hyper-sexual man for almost 9 years. Our compromise has been weekly sex, sometimes more often. This is not nearly often enough for him and way too much for me. What Chook has said really resonates with me. I feel resentful about having sex. It's awkward and uncomfortable. I'm no good at it and have no interest in getting good at it. I lost my virginity over 20 years ago and I would think that in that time I would have learned a thing or two about what I like and how to please someone else, but I haven't and I won't. We love each other. He's my best friend. We are good together. The sexual stuff just doesn't click.

I read back at the beginning of this thread and saw mention of cuddling and non-sexual touch. If I engage in anything like that with my husband, he immediately wants more and I feel resentful. If we avoid it altogether, he feels resentful. Spring is the worst time. He's incredibly randy this time of year. He's jealous of the affection I give to the cat. The cat is safe for me to cuddle because she doesn't want more than a little snuggle. We have been at a loss for a solution to this. We recently agreed that for the sake of our marriage and relationship that he should get a girlfriend. I don't know how this will work out, but it can't go on the way it has been so we are trying something else. We avoided this step for a really long time, but it's all that's left at this point. I am hopeful, but worried at the same time.

I also have a question for other asexuals here. Do you ever feel like you're not enough? It's an issue with me in many aspects, but this particular situation really seems to exacerbate that feeling. I am, nor will I ever be, enough for him (or anyone) because I cannot enjoy this thing he enjoys so much.

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Lady Girl

I also have a question for other asexuals here. Do you ever feel like you're not enough? It's an issue with me in many aspects, but this particular situation really seems to exacerbate that feeling. I am, nor will I ever be, enough for him (or anyone) because I cannot enjoy this thing he enjoys so much.

Hi KittenPuff! I'm not asexual, but I hope you don't mind me answering your question. I think that is a common feeling and one of the reasons couples have trouble. I hope that you don't keep feeling that way, but I do think having a third party involved will only make that feeling become more pronounced. I know it doesn't have to be that way, but I think some people prefer monogamy. Some folks are easily polyamorous and others not so much.

My husband has expressed feelings of not being enough (or a failure) before. I don't want him to feel that way because he's not...we are just different in this regard. It can be a difficult for both partners to maintain a strong sense of self esteem and also feel comfortable/satisfied with whatever compromise you are working with.

Oh, welcome to AVEN! :cake:

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cw1911nr

On the advice of Lady Girl, I started and have read this thread a couple of times now. As some points, it was maddening, but once I read and I mean really read what the asexuals are saying, it makes sense. It is like a light bulb went off in my head! I have learned more from the forum in two days than I have in years elsewhere!

Anyway, I might as well throw my two cents in on how we compromise and how successful that has been.

Potential TMI for background:

I am sexual, at one point I would have said hypersexual, kinky, etc. Got hooked on porn. Habitual masturbator. Yada, yada, yada. Been maried for 25 years.

Wife does not label herself. That being said, she started out pretty frisky and stayed that way until kids came. After kids, sex began to dwindle and became less enthusiastic. I began pressuring her to try stuff to spice things up. That of course backfired. There was hurt on both sides, but we stuck together. She almost never initiated sex, and although highly orgasmic, never seemed to want or crave it. Of course, this was baffling / frustrating, to me!

We finally decided to take a break from sex. No dates were set, but months dragged into years. Healing occurred. We did hug and kiss during this time and always slept in the same bed. Just no touching down below, breasts or any sexual behavior. I also all but quit masturbating during this period and ditched porn for good.

After about 4 years, we decided we wanted more intimacy, so we began reintroducing sex into our relationship again. Problem is, it just did not feel right! Neither of us liked it! I discovered Karezza, a form of slow sensual lovemaking in which intercourse is optional and in which orgasm by both parties is discouraged. We liked it better than regular sex, but the intercourse was boring, it just never felt right either. I did discover that not having orgasms did provide some much welcomed stability for me, however.

Lately, we have been gradually tapering off again. We have had slow intercourse occasionally, maybe three times since January of this year. She gives me hand jobs when I ask for them. They feel good, but it is frustrating to have to ask all the time. We did have "one of those talks" this year in which she admitted she would rather have a backrub than sex. She has only asked for one backub since making that statement a couple of months back, so that kind of puts her sex appetite in perspective for me. (Yes, I have asked if she would like a backrub, several times!) Cool thing is, I now know her not wanting sex is not a rejection of me. It just is what it is. We do lots of fun stuff, watch movies, go hiking, have discovered geocaching. We are really enjoying each others company! Affection is high, on both sides!

So, to summarize:

We met in the middle for years with ups and downs, but are now transitioning to no sex at all. I think going without is just easier for us. We do lots of cuddling and hugs and kisses, so that helps. For me, knowing these activities will go no further simply makes them enjoyable, in and of themselves. She seems happier too!

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Dancing Through Life

.

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Oakn_wi11ow

I have a lot to catch up on....

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LolaH

I still haven’t found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesn’t desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. We’ve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isn’t the lack of sex but that he just doesn’t want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing it’s just an act and it’s not what he wants and does only because of me. It’s rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising won’t help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

Please let me know if you have figured out the answer to your questions. I desperately need to know. This is a post I could have written myself verbatim.

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Oakn_wi11ow

Spoiler: Potential TMI from a male asexual

...I've been pondering how to respond to a reply a female sexual wrote about living with a male asexual... I tried to convey my perception maybe it was like a kinda of 'Cocoon' experience, where the asexual alien female, Kitty, shares Her experience of non tactile sex with the physically oriented sexual Jack...

Sharing this perhaps helps me think out the experience.

For me, while **touch IS pleasurable and can be the end all, there is an aspect of...the interaction that reduces the gain, the signal coming in from my own body. I can't feel my own body to a needed degree.., I don't have enough awareness of it to reach the physical expression of climax/orgasm.

This is true to the degree of sexual intimacy... Meanwhile I can Really be in '7th heaven' from touch, my circuits approaching overload and finding it pleasurable beyond description.. the aspect for 'explosion' diminishes the closer I should have been getting..

More often than not after one or more climaxes w/out the big bang, touch becomes like... touching a wall or a inanimate object. In spite of how much I loved the person touch conveys no information to me,... Eyes closed though, it was like I couldn't tell if I was touching a warm water bottle or human. I simply would have loved at that moment to simply go to sleep laying next to them. That didn't happen. For my sexual partner, touch meant sex. No touch was for sleep.

**funny thing about touch. Often I find it painful to be touched by others. I have to cue myself to allow someone within my personal space. Within the closest space, of touch, it was both overload (sometimes bordering on electric shock like) and pure bliss. I think I almost noticed my gain or sensitivity evolving in the relationship... to occasionally enjoy the touch sexually, but after 3 years my partner wanted much more than touch and bringing them to orgasm... We didn't have the vocabulary and didn't know there was so much info out on asexuality.. or how relatively 'normal' I was... I wasn't stonewalling, I essentially was me and the person I first described (asexual) when we met.

==================

Another funny thing about being me... before things got more difficult... there would be times, simply being in the same room, relaxed, I'd look over and just feel so much love for the person, I'd reach my version of the Big 'O' right there (without the physical rocket launch.) I knew what the pleasure of ejaculation was, and this was as good and sometimes deeper, without needing to change clothes.. This is why I thought of Kitty and Jack... Once fear, guilt and pressure set in... that aspect kinda faded...

Does any of this make sense......

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Down in Texas

Possible TMI

I wish to make it clear from the start that I do not wish to take anything away from the way you feel nor diminish any of your feelings. However there are parts of your posting that resonate with an experience I had after I had to have a hysterectomy at an early age (38). I had a large set of twins a few years earlier and the first was born fully breech causing my uterus to prolapse, thus the need for the hysterectomy. I had been told that having the hysterectomy would change very little sexually. However for me it seemed to change quite a lot. The triggers that I had always enjoyed during sex were not responding the way they use to. I was finding it harder and harder to be able to climax. What you describe sounds very much like what was happening with me. I would get so close but never quite close enough to climax and like you I focused so completely on trying to find those familiar feelings that I did not know what or where I was or what I was touching. It took me a couple of years to realize that I had to relax and just enjoy the experience for what it was and I had given up on ever having a climax again. When I relaxed and just enjoyed to my surprise my climaxes returned but in a different degree and though they were not as strong as before they were back. I say this so that you may try to relax and feel comfortable with what you can enjoy and maybe the rest will follow. I clearly understand that you are asexual by your declaration. Once again I in no way wish to diminish your experience.

I have done this in the past and never had this kind of problem posting to a person I am sorry if something has changed I have not figured out the change...

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Oakn_wi11ow

Down in Texas, it is like you've been given an opportunity 'from the other side' to see through a veil... I deeply appreciate your sharing and think there are truths for me to consider...

I've received a couple of PM and am copying one of my responses...

"1. There is also a sorrow, for not being able to feel what sexuals feel and wishing you could.

2. Again, I have to believe apart from my very real conceit and false sense of superiority ('if only they were more like me..they'd understand [big Mistake to wish for anything other than true love])..I believe asexuals still bring something very good, unique and transcendent/eternal to a deep relationship, even with a sexual.

both are true for me..

===========

Now to be less serious and deep. Have you ever considered?... that at points in time, you can knock him or her off their feet/make their heart sing, make them smile, make them forget where they are, even if it is not sexual, with a glance from you? Ask your partner what that was like... and please... I don't need the details from you... and please ;) don't run around now misusing that advantage against them - they just might walk into a wall and knock themselves out! :lol: Also, don't get your engines running too fast - simply enjoy how desperately important you are to them.

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Einy

I still haven’t found a way how to come to terms with the fact my partner doesn’t desire me sexually. And this is the hardest part. We’ve been without sex for more than a year now and yet the worst thing for me isn’t the lack of sex but that he just doesn’t want it. And I doubt that compromise could change it.

I doubt I could even get aroused knowing it’s just an act and it’s not what he wants and does only because of me. It’s rather a turn off, so how am I supposed to do it?

I wish he was attracted to me and want me sexually, more than sex itself. I get so hypersensitive about these things and feel so useless. So I guess compromising won’t help me much, I think I would feel even worse, once I know all these things about asexuality. How do you get over it?

Please let me know if you have figured out the answer to your questions. I desperately need to know. This is a post I could have written myself verbatim.

Hi, welcome to AVEN, I wish I could say something positive, but I still struggle a lot. Plus we have some other serious problems apart from sex, including bad communication and we're near to break up. The only way I was able to go through these three years was hoping for the things to get changed. That's also what my partner constantly claims, that this sex issues will get better and I want to believe, so I did. If he admitted that this will never change I probably couldn't continue with the relationship. I've thought about it a lot and came to conclusion that I really can't and don't want to live whole my life feeling unwanted, undesired, rejected.. Maybe it's because I'm quite young, or because we don't communicate well, or because we have other problems, or maybe it's just me, but I think I just can't deal with it without feeling very sad most of the time. I'm sorry I can't give you better answer, however there are some people who are doing better than me, they will surely give some advice. Wish you good luck

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Oakn_wi11ow

simply thinking out loud... I know of several war vets with serious injuries who felt they couldn't please their spouses anymore because, parts just were no longer there. One I heard of vehemently wanted no physical contact. Their partners felt cheated because there was no longer communication among other issues. I wonder what percentage of them got counseling that was truly helpful? I wonder if those same counselors would be of use among this population? Don't know...

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