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Sexual Compromise & Support

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Winged Whisperer
3 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

As someone who is both asexual, and someone who has been the one sat crying in a bathroom over unwanted sex, I can say this...

 

The experiences where I’ve had sex to please my partner because I knew how badly they needed it, even though I just couldn’t get in the mood, and the bad times where I felt I had to do it and felt used are worlds apart. 

  

The first one comes from a place of love. I still felt good about being able to do something for my partner. 

  

The other came from a place of fear, and I don’t get any of that vibe from your post at all. 

I've been in the same boat and concur.

 

If it means anything, honestly from what I've read @xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ you're like the model allosexual partner an asexual could have, so don't feel bad or guilty.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Okay, thanks everyone.  This all made me feel a lot better this morning.  I think that I've been extra sensitive because of my trip home.  I left home feeling the way I always do when I leave.  Empty, isolated, outcast and alone.  My mother is a racist, homophobic, sexist Boomer wrapped up in religious delusion.  She makes me feel like crap every time we interact (which isn't often).  I think that when I got back here I was desperate for connection and not my usual self.  I think that I was feeling even more isolated and alone yesterday and was probably punishing myself way too much.  Maybe tonight I'll have the guts to talk to him about all of this, but I probably won't.

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Serran

I'm feeling unattractive and not enough today. Going to go out and try to have a nice movie date night. I feel like an insecure teenager. *sigh* 

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I hope your night went well @Serran!  Insecurity is no fun.  Just remember that everyone cycles though those feelings.  Brains are loud.

 

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uhtred
On 7/17/2019 at 7:54 AM, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

I came online this morning to talk about this particular issue. So it was interesting to wake up to all of this.  Last night I experienced truly and completely disconnected sex. It was awful. And I should have known better, but I had been out of town for a week, and when I spent time with my boyfriend last night, I was really feeling needy in the pants lol. Usually I'm really good at gauging a situation. If I go in to kiss him and he pulls back after two to three kisses that means he's definitely not into it. He's either tired, or mentally not in the right place. It's pretty easy body language. But last night I was a little whiny. Not in a mean way, more in a slightly pouty way.  Like basically saying I can tell you're not into this, but God damn I'm having a hard time just holding in all of this goddamn sexual energy.

 

I'm never direct, and I never ask. I like things to be fluid. So when I indirectly asked, he knew something was up. And basically he said I could ask and the worst that would happen is he would say no. So I straight up ask, and then we did. And though I know he was totally okay with it, I should have went with my gut instinct which was he wasn't mentally in the right place. It completely read through the entire experience. It all felt extremely off and uncomfortable. I left the situation just feeling like a terrible girlfriend who put their Ace partner in an uncomfortable situation selfishly. I did tell him all this this morning that I felt really bad and I apologized and he told me I hadn't done anything wrong. But I don't want to experience sex like that again with him. It's just really cold and makes me feel sad.

 

I wouldn't say normally when we do occasionally have sex that he's "into it", But it definitely comes from a different place of affection in those moments and not just purely I'm doing this thing for you and that's all I'm doing.  Thank God this forum prepared me for this type of experience ahead of time.

That is miserable.   I think it happens quite a bit in mixed relationships.   Sometimes during sex I'll realize that my wife really isn't into it and is just unhappily doing things for me and trying to get it over with quickly. Its so difficult to deal with. If I continue I feel bad afterwards.  If I tell her to stop she feels bad because she "failed".  It just turns into anmess. Meanwhile I'm so aroused that its difficult to stop and.... its just bad all around.

 

 

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anisotrophic

I've become avoidant of experiencing attraction and initiating these days. Intimacy now involves him reassuring me that it's OK to feel desire and be aroused, everything is so backwards! 🙃 But it works. 😛

 

I hope you survive the brain weasels @Serran!

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I can't avoid feeling attraction.  I'm brimming with it.  But I am definitely going to avoid initiating it like I did the other night.  I'm going back to what I know works.  👍

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Kyriee
On 7/16/2019 at 7:56 PM, Serran said:

And I know for me... wanting others over me is the worst feeling in the world. Not wanting me, OK, I can at least take comfort in no one is wanted. Which, doesn't solve the issue for a lot of sexuals. But, I would be OK with I want no one. The I want others not you... yeah, no. 

 

Oi... I think I'd deal with everything much better if that were the case for us - if my Owner was just ace and that was that, no sex with anyone ever....
Them being poly and having a bit of a libido during the NRE stage is, in all likelihood, going to freaking shatter me. 

 

I mean sure, Their libido with the new relationship'll die just like our did, but for those few months or whatever?
I'm lucky They haven't met anyone else They wanna date yet, cause I'm not honestly sure I can deal with it - the dry spell is really screwing with me as it is, without adding in the "being with others, just not ME" aspect of it.

 

 

 

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Kyriee
On 7/19/2019 at 10:26 AM, uhtred said:

That is miserable.   I think it happens quite a bit in mixed relationships.   Sometimes during sex I'll realize that my wife really isn't into it and is just unhappily doing things for me and trying to get it over with quickly. Its so difficult to deal with. If I continue I feel bad afterwards.  If I tell her to stop she feels bad because she "failed".  It just turns into anmess. Meanwhile I'm so aroused that its difficult to stop and.... its just bad all around.

 

 

 

I don't even initiate or ask or anything anymore, I'm afraid if They say "yes", it's gonna be to placate me, because I know full well They aren't into it.
It was obvious the last time we tried (it was my birthday last year) that They just... were doing it for me, or because They felt obligated cause it was my birthday or something?
We stopped and that was the last time either of us even remotely tried to do anything (the last time we actually had sex was Dec 2017)

So I just stopped trying to initiate anything - if THEY get in the mood and want it, hells yeah!
But I never want Them feeling like They have to, because it just makes me feel really gross afterwards. I'm glad They love me enough to try, but... it just feels manipulative to me (on my part).

(and I know a lot of ace folk do have sex for their partners and that's A-OK, it's just not something i can do, having come from an abusive marriage where having sex to placate another was a survival thing)

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Serran

I need a second opinion on a letter I want to send to my spouse. I want it to express how I feel without sounding too confrontational... but I dont trust myself right now. 

 

I cant just open post it, because she is on AVEN and that is extremely private. 

 

Anyone willing to read it over though and tell me if I need to edit any part to be softer? I can PM. 

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ryn2
26 minutes ago, Serran said:

I need a second opinion on a letter I want to send to my spouse. I want it to express how I feel without sounding too confrontational... but I dont trust myself right now. 

 

I cant just open post it, because she is on AVEN and that is extremely private. 

 

Anyone willing to read it over though and tell me if I need to edit any part to be softer? I can PM. 

I’ll leave it to you to judge if my POV would help or hurt but I’m happy to help with wording or whatnot.  I do a lot of editing for tone for work and friends.

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uhtred
1 hour ago, Serran said:

I need a second opinion on a letter I want to send to my spouse. I want it to express how I feel without sounding too confrontational... but I dont trust myself right now. 

 

I cant just open post it, because she is on AVEN and that is extremely private. 

 

Anyone willing to read it over though and tell me if I need to edit any part to be softer? I can PM. 

I'm happy to read it.  Just PM. 

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Uncle D

Oh my gooeyness I didn't realize so many people go through these types of relationships.....I know what I feel, rather have felt is exactly what many of the sexuals here of written about, before, during, and after sex.....unfortunately for myself having Depression and Anxiety Disorders it all went south in a hand basket these last 5 years or so.....I just feel so many different emotions at the same time, and sometimes I don't feel anything......now, every time I leave my house, (which took me quite awhile to start doing again). When I leave, everyone I see along the way, I wonder if they have an intimate relationship with anyone, or do they feel the emotional pain that I do.....I love my wife and she loves me, absolutely every aspect of our relationship is wonderful, unless it has to do with sex and or intimacy and that includes communication about it......we don't sleep together, not even in the same room.....we haven't had any type of sex in almost 5 years, I haven't seen her naked in over 2 years.....these things really bother me.....anytime I feel arousal, just by being close to her, I turn to the internet......the only times in my entire life so far, that I have been able to abstain from any type of sex, has been due to medical procedures. She knows about the internet, perhaps this is her compromise in sorts.....I sometimes feel, guilt, resentment, regret....but, I cannot handle the pressure of no release....maybe that makes me weak, alright I am weak. I always thinking about sex, always.....I'm 60 years old, and still in wanton of sex....it sucks....it really does....my Psychiatrist has classed me as a male nymphomaniac, among other disorders. To be in a mixed relationship is without a doubt difficult usually....luckily I am getting older and I keep hoping these desires will diminish. 

 

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Don't feel bad about masturbation, or using porn as a tool to aid in that.  It's perfectly normal.  You're perfectly normal.

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