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Sexual Compromise & Support

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Winged Whisperer
3 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

As someone who is both asexual, and someone who has been the one sat crying in a bathroom over unwanted sex, I can say this...

 

The experiences where I’ve had sex to please my partner because I knew how badly they needed it, even though I just couldn’t get in the mood, and the bad times where I felt I had to do it and felt used are worlds apart. 

  

The first one comes from a place of love. I still felt good about being able to do something for my partner. 

  

The other came from a place of fear, and I don’t get any of that vibe from your post at all. 

I've been in the same boat and concur.

 

If it means anything, honestly from what I've read @xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ you're like the model allosexual partner an asexual could have, so don't feel bad or guilty.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Okay, thanks everyone.  This all made me feel a lot better this morning.  I think that I've been extra sensitive because of my trip home.  I left home feeling the way I always do when I leave.  Empty, isolated, outcast and alone.  My mother is a racist, homophobic, sexist Boomer wrapped up in religious delusion.  She makes me feel like crap every time we interact (which isn't often).  I think that when I got back here I was desperate for connection and not my usual self.  I think that I was feeling even more isolated and alone yesterday and was probably punishing myself way too much.  Maybe tonight I'll have the guts to talk to him about all of this, but I probably won't.

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Serran

I'm feeling unattractive and not enough today. Going to go out and try to have a nice movie date night. I feel like an insecure teenager. *sigh* 

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I hope your night went well @Serran!  Insecurity is no fun.  Just remember that everyone cycles though those feelings.  Brains are loud.

 

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uhtred
On 7/17/2019 at 7:54 AM, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

I came online this morning to talk about this particular issue. So it was interesting to wake up to all of this.  Last night I experienced truly and completely disconnected sex. It was awful. And I should have known better, but I had been out of town for a week, and when I spent time with my boyfriend last night, I was really feeling needy in the pants lol. Usually I'm really good at gauging a situation. If I go in to kiss him and he pulls back after two to three kisses that means he's definitely not into it. He's either tired, or mentally not in the right place. It's pretty easy body language. But last night I was a little whiny. Not in a mean way, more in a slightly pouty way.  Like basically saying I can tell you're not into this, but God damn I'm having a hard time just holding in all of this goddamn sexual energy.

 

I'm never direct, and I never ask. I like things to be fluid. So when I indirectly asked, he knew something was up. And basically he said I could ask and the worst that would happen is he would say no. So I straight up ask, and then we did. And though I know he was totally okay with it, I should have went with my gut instinct which was he wasn't mentally in the right place. It completely read through the entire experience. It all felt extremely off and uncomfortable. I left the situation just feeling like a terrible girlfriend who put their Ace partner in an uncomfortable situation selfishly. I did tell him all this this morning that I felt really bad and I apologized and he told me I hadn't done anything wrong. But I don't want to experience sex like that again with him. It's just really cold and makes me feel sad.

 

I wouldn't say normally when we do occasionally have sex that he's "into it", But it definitely comes from a different place of affection in those moments and not just purely I'm doing this thing for you and that's all I'm doing.  Thank God this forum prepared me for this type of experience ahead of time.

That is miserable.   I think it happens quite a bit in mixed relationships.   Sometimes during sex I'll realize that my wife really isn't into it and is just unhappily doing things for me and trying to get it over with quickly. Its so difficult to deal with. If I continue I feel bad afterwards.  If I tell her to stop she feels bad because she "failed".  It just turns into anmess. Meanwhile I'm so aroused that its difficult to stop and.... its just bad all around.

 

 

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anisotrophic

I've become avoidant of experiencing attraction and initiating these days. Intimacy now involves him reassuring me that it's OK to feel desire and be aroused, everything is so backwards! 🙃 But it works. 😛

 

I hope you survive the brain weasels @Serran!

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I can't avoid feeling attraction.  I'm brimming with it.  But I am definitely going to avoid initiating it like I did the other night.  I'm going back to what I know works.  👍

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Kyriee
On 7/16/2019 at 7:56 PM, Serran said:

And I know for me... wanting others over me is the worst feeling in the world. Not wanting me, OK, I can at least take comfort in no one is wanted. Which, doesn't solve the issue for a lot of sexuals. But, I would be OK with I want no one. The I want others not you... yeah, no. 

 

Oi... I think I'd deal with everything much better if that were the case for us - if my Owner was just ace and that was that, no sex with anyone ever....
Them being poly and having a bit of a libido during the NRE stage is, in all likelihood, going to freaking shatter me. 

 

I mean sure, Their libido with the new relationship'll die just like our did, but for those few months or whatever?
I'm lucky They haven't met anyone else They wanna date yet, cause I'm not honestly sure I can deal with it - the dry spell is really screwing with me as it is, without adding in the "being with others, just not ME" aspect of it.

 

 

 

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Kyriee
On 7/19/2019 at 10:26 AM, uhtred said:

That is miserable.   I think it happens quite a bit in mixed relationships.   Sometimes during sex I'll realize that my wife really isn't into it and is just unhappily doing things for me and trying to get it over with quickly. Its so difficult to deal with. If I continue I feel bad afterwards.  If I tell her to stop she feels bad because she "failed".  It just turns into anmess. Meanwhile I'm so aroused that its difficult to stop and.... its just bad all around.

 

 

 

I don't even initiate or ask or anything anymore, I'm afraid if They say "yes", it's gonna be to placate me, because I know full well They aren't into it.
It was obvious the last time we tried (it was my birthday last year) that They just... were doing it for me, or because They felt obligated cause it was my birthday or something?
We stopped and that was the last time either of us even remotely tried to do anything (the last time we actually had sex was Dec 2017)

So I just stopped trying to initiate anything - if THEY get in the mood and want it, hells yeah!
But I never want Them feeling like They have to, because it just makes me feel really gross afterwards. I'm glad They love me enough to try, but... it just feels manipulative to me (on my part).

(and I know a lot of ace folk do have sex for their partners and that's A-OK, it's just not something i can do, having come from an abusive marriage where having sex to placate another was a survival thing)

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Serran

I need a second opinion on a letter I want to send to my spouse. I want it to express how I feel without sounding too confrontational... but I dont trust myself right now. 

 

I cant just open post it, because she is on AVEN and that is extremely private. 

 

Anyone willing to read it over though and tell me if I need to edit any part to be softer? I can PM. 

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ryn2
26 minutes ago, Serran said:

I need a second opinion on a letter I want to send to my spouse. I want it to express how I feel without sounding too confrontational... but I dont trust myself right now. 

 

I cant just open post it, because she is on AVEN and that is extremely private. 

 

Anyone willing to read it over though and tell me if I need to edit any part to be softer? I can PM. 

I’ll leave it to you to judge if my POV would help or hurt but I’m happy to help with wording or whatnot.  I do a lot of editing for tone for work and friends.

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uhtred
1 hour ago, Serran said:

I need a second opinion on a letter I want to send to my spouse. I want it to express how I feel without sounding too confrontational... but I dont trust myself right now. 

 

I cant just open post it, because she is on AVEN and that is extremely private. 

 

Anyone willing to read it over though and tell me if I need to edit any part to be softer? I can PM. 

I'm happy to read it.  Just PM. 

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Uncle D

Oh my gooeyness I didn't realize so many people go through these types of relationships.....I know what I feel, rather have felt is exactly what many of the sexuals here of written about, before, during, and after sex.....unfortunately for myself having Depression and Anxiety Disorders it all went south in a hand basket these last 5 years or so.....I just feel so many different emotions at the same time, and sometimes I don't feel anything......now, every time I leave my house, (which took me quite awhile to start doing again). When I leave, everyone I see along the way, I wonder if they have an intimate relationship with anyone, or do they feel the emotional pain that I do.....I love my wife and she loves me, absolutely every aspect of our relationship is wonderful, unless it has to do with sex and or intimacy and that includes communication about it......we don't sleep together, not even in the same room.....we haven't had any type of sex in almost 5 years, I haven't seen her naked in over 2 years.....these things really bother me.....anytime I feel arousal, just by being close to her, I turn to the internet......the only times in my entire life so far, that I have been able to abstain from any type of sex, has been due to medical procedures. She knows about the internet, perhaps this is her compromise in sorts.....I sometimes feel, guilt, resentment, regret....but, I cannot handle the pressure of no release....maybe that makes me weak, alright I am weak. I always thinking about sex, always.....I'm 60 years old, and still in wanton of sex....it sucks....it really does....my Psychiatrist has classed me as a male nymphomaniac, among other disorders. To be in a mixed relationship is without a doubt difficult usually....luckily I am getting older and I keep hoping these desires will diminish. 

 

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Don't feel bad about masturbation, or using porn as a tool to aid in that.  It's perfectly normal.  You're perfectly normal.

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Twitchy

Bi woman in a man-woman relationship here: I'm the demisexual half of our mixed marriage, and while I'd usually want sex every 4-6 months, he'd prefer sex probably once or twice a week. He's also a very touch-oriented person. (He gives great hugs.) Our compromise a year into our marriage is to have as much other contact/intimacy as possible- head rubs/scritches, gentle touches through the day, etc so he doesn't get touch-starved, and some kind of sex once a month/every few weeks (which is about as often as my libido wakes up to roll over).

I also get at least one night of "quiet alone time" so I can recover from just how much touching that is for me, because I get overstimulated easily.
We're also cautiously considering opening up our relationship in the next year, but that's a verrrry cautious consideration.

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Jenniehurting

Some support please! I just found out that my husband of 8 months (30 years old) is asexual. Of course we have had many arguments about what we thought were just mismatched libidos. I am highly sexual and due to past traumas sex is validation for me. Without it I feel empty. I am truly devastated. I love my husband so much, but I don't k ow if our relationship is possible. To make matters worse, if I leave him he will have to go back to Mexico since I am sponsoring his green card. He is a software engineer and is very intelligent ( a turn on for me), he is handsome, he is my best friend. How do I lose him? How do I stay realizing I will never truly be physically desired? I don't know all of the ace terminology. but from what I gather he is a sex neutral demisexual...possibly aromantic..??? He doesn't crave sex. He doesn't watch porn or masturbate. He never learned to flirt and doesn't behave sexually toward me. He was fairly inexperienced when we met...only 2 other partners in which he had ED and PE symptom (not positive sexual experiences). We had A lot of sex...kinky sex. We would try something once and get would never initiate it again. He told me he was exploring his sexuality...I feel lied to and used. He said he REALLY loves me, but has no concept of being "in love" or the difference.  He is "willing" to have sex maybe once a week, but I can't help, but feel like it is a pity fuck. I feel so unwanted. Advice....please.

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Jenniehurting
On 7/17/2019 at 9:11 AM, Traveler40 said:

The sexual partner thinks up all sorts of reasons for this early on.  I recall thinking my husband just needed to be taught, or that we needed to communicate through our desires. He had none and always maintained, “I don’t have fantasies, I don’t know what you mean!”  To which I thought he had some weird desires he felt shy about expressing.

 

My point is, the “actor” in WW’s scenario would have to act both inside and outside of the bedroom.  Sexual partners know something major is off, we just don’t know why.  Some of those that stick it out search for answers, and many wind up here.

This exactly. My husband just admitted he is asexual.I don't understand the lack of fantasy of craving. This seemed made up as a way of avoiding sex. I feel helpless and rejected. I exposed him to all sorts of sex and kinks hoping he would finally find his "thing." I thought he was hiding some strange desire, maybe he was gay?? I still cannot wrap my head around a lack of sexuality. I am highly sexual and would like sex every day. He is demisexual, but 2-3 times a month is good for him. We love each other, but we are hurting each other. He is my best friend, but I don't think I can go forever feeling unwanted. 

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anisotrophic

@Jenniehurting it's hard to accept and understand for someone that experiences sexuality, and it took a lot of time and sharing, empathic conversations with my husband. I really couldn't understand how someone could have zero fantasies, never experienced sexual thoughts... but that was the case. It might feel impossible that he didn't notice, but I think it must be like someone who is colorblind and has never heard of colorblindness, always filling in the blanks and not realizing one is missing a fundamental experience.

 

it's devastating -- I recommend on focusing on short term of understanding and caring about each other. Don't create new entanglements (eg having kids), but you don't need to assume you can't stay together -- figuring out what you do next is something you can do together.

 

Therapy helped me a lot with coping. Focusing on other ways of communicating love (the "love languages"). If your partner tells you he's asexual, he's saying he realizes you're having a fundamentally different experience, and recognizing that is a major step towards understanding and caring for each other. Mixed relationships can be very difficult and often don't work out (and there's no shame in that); it's not always possible, but our sexuality is a fundamental & unchangeable part of who we are, and I think the goal should be for each partner to feel loved for the (a)sexuality they have.

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Traveler40
15 hours ago, Jenniehurting said:

We love each other, but we are hurting each other. He is my best friend, but I don't think I can go forever feeling unwanted. 

So, be best friends.  You can do that and not be together.  I read @anisotrophic’s advice and it’s good, but I’m always struck by how complicated and hard these mixed relationships are. It’s so heavy, dramatic and full of compromise; It’s an added layer of difficulty relationships without that mixed divide don’t have. As well, it  may be the straw that breaks for some.

 

Perspective is a funny thing.  You wrote he’d be happy with 2-3 times per month and I initially thought, “Wow, that’s amazing!  I’d be able to survive that no problem.” (I was 8+ years celibate before I broke). Yet as we both know, it’s more than quantity, isn’t it?  Quality is a thing and sexuals know when it’s off.

 

I’m sorry to hear of your struggles, it’s a pain I know all too well.  These are deep, personal issues that only you can work out for yourself.  What can you live with? What are deal breakers? Figure that out and make your choices around those answers.

 

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Traveler40

Separately, I miss my lover tonight. We played golf yesterday and were so busy with the game, I didn’t get that quality moment. I enjoyed the view of his backside, but that left a lot to be desired, literally.

 

Even in sexual-sexual magical bond type relationships, we long for more at times. He’s like a drug, and I need him in all ways. 2.5 years in, and we are going as strong as ever.  It’s a lonely Saturday night. Sigh

 

He always says, “We shouldn’t be greedy!”  Screw that, I feel the need for greed...😂

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Sinking_In

First, I have to say thank you to everyone sharing here. It's comforting to know many others are facing many of the same relationship challenges. I was looking for some answers to recently developments, gave this thread another read and thought I'd post regarding the main subject. 12 years into a marriage, and my wife and I are only now coming up with a conscious compromise. I wasn't aware there was one going on all along, which is why I spent so many years confused and upset. Now that I know what I know about asexuality, those negative feelings have gone, but they are now being replaced by something else: guilt.

 

So many others posted it here, now that the truth is known, how can sex ever be the same? What I mean is, as a sexual person, I find pleasure in the exchange of pleasing my partner and being pleased. The more they are pleasured, the more I am pleased, and the more they are pleased, the more pleasure I feel. Now that this dynamic has been flipped on me, I am having trouble with the idea that she's not really being pleasured, so how can I be pleased? How can she? Sure, she can get the big O, multiple times, but am I really only just pleasuring myself in all of this? I get that her willingly giving this to me can be her pleasure, but how does one accept such a gift? Happily? Sure, for a while (particularly after a long dry spell), but it's already weighing a little heavy on me after just a few weeks and a few sexual encounters together, since being awakened to asexuality. It's going to be there in the back of my mind, every time, "is she really not liking this? Does she just want to get through this as quickly and easily as possible? Or worse, is she suffering through this, mentally, physically?"

 

I now feel pressure, which is NOT a good thing to feel for either of us, for anyone of any sexuality or orientation. I feel pressure that I must be making HER feel pressure. Sure, she can say it's "fine", maybe even be happy to do it for me, but is it really okay? That is not what sex is supposed to be about. Tension is one thing (which sexuals can get a LOT out of in terms of sex), but not pressure. I'm just having doubts about even the idea of compromise, but I also cannot deny my own sexuality. It builds. It affects my moods, which affects my relationships. If I don't have sex with her, I will have negative emotions, but if I do have sex with her, I won't be feeling very good about it, either. That was at least the case for me today. I don't think she came away from it feeling badly about it, which I'm grateful for, but I shouldn't feel badly about it either, and yet here I am. I admire everyone who is making it work, but I also sympathize with those who struggle. It isn't easy, that's for sure.

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anisotrophic

@Sinking_In My approach has been to say I feel bad and seek out non-sexual reassurance (like hugs) -- and to resist any offer to have sex as a response to me feeling bad about his asexuality.

 

Does that make sense? Eventually we do have sex but I'm pushing back against that happening as the response to me feeling bad.

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Serran

I think it comes down to communication and trust. She has to trust you to not pressure, be honest about things, etc. You have to trust her to tell you when she isn't OK giving, or wants things to stop. It's a whole different consent dynamic. So, when feeling unsure, you two need to be able to talk to get reassurance. 

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Bookerbakerxyz

Hi friends. Sorry in advance for rambling and the length of this. I'm trying to make this coherent but it's difficult. 

 

CW: talk of sexual stuff, mention of masturbation & toys, childbirth

 

I'm new to this community and only realized I'm asexual (gray-a, pretty sure) a few weeks ago. My husband and I have been together for 8.5 years (married for almost 4) and we have a 7-month-old baby. Before I met him (when we were 25), I had sex maybe 4 or 5 times. I've masturbated and had sexual thoughts, but masturbation just never did a whole lot for me. I never even owned a toy until my husband practically begged me to let him buy me some. We've been in therapy (together and separately) since before we were married because he has such a high sex drive and we've just constantly been trying to find a middle ground.

 

This realization of who I am has been both good and bad. Good, because I finally feel like I have something that explains why sex stuff just doesn't work in my brain (like we try to sext and I just ... can't? unless it's relating back to an experience I actually had. Like I can't just make stuff up). And I feel like this is something that can point him in a direction of how to better understand me. He just doesn't get how I don't want/need sex like he does. And I enjoy sex with him and am attracted to him, I just rarely want sex or anything sex-adjacent. I like cuddling and kissing, but for so many years, I've thought that if I even made out with him he would expect that we would have sex too, and I didn't want sex, so I'd stop doing other non-sexual but physical things, like cuddling and caressing and flirting. 

 

On the flip side, I feel like so much of our lives has just been him wanting sex and me not giving it to him. We're worried about what our future looks like because he's clearly not happy with the amount of sex in our lives. The last time we had sex was in December when I was 6 months pregnant. Since then, I had pregnancy issues, then I had the baby and had tearing, plus other post-birth complications, not including anxiety and depression. He says he wants to be with me forever (and I feel the same) but I don't want to doom him to a nearly-sexless marriage. We're trying to do something sexual (whether it's a BJ/HJ, or sex, or sexting) at least twice a week, but I just struggle to get into that mindset, especially when I'm home all day every day with a baby who requires my full attention AND my body. Before baby, one thing that almost always helped get me in the mood was when my husband would stimulate my breasts, and now they're a total no-fly zone because I breastfeed. 

 

Sex for him is validation that he's wanted. I tell him and show him in SO MANY WAYS that I love and want him and that I'm attracted to him, but he still feels like I don't want him. The other night I even initiated and offered him a BJ, tried my best to get into it and have some sexy talk, and afterwards he was upset and said he was confused, and was generally not happy. It made me feel like I'm broken and no matter what I do, it just isn't the right thing. That type of response makes me never want to initiate. 

 

I don't really know what I'm getting at. I just need support and ideas on how to move forward. Splitting up or sex outside of our marriage are not options. Anything else anyone can offer would be amazing. 

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uhtred
7 hours ago, Bookerbakerxyz said:

Hi friends. Sorry in advance for rambling and the length of this. I'm trying to make this coherent but it's difficult. 

 

CW: talk of sexual stuff, mention of masturbation & toys, childbirth

 

I'm new to this community and only realized I'm asexual (gray-a, pretty sure) a few weeks ago. My husband and I have been together for 8.5 years (married for almost 4) and we have a 7-month-old baby. Before I met him (when we were 25), I had sex maybe 4 or 5 times. I've masturbated and had sexual thoughts, but masturbation just never did a whole lot for me. I never even owned a toy until my husband practically begged me to let him buy me some. We've been in therapy (together and separately) since before we were married because he has such a high sex drive and we've just constantly been trying to find a middle ground.

 

This realization of who I am has been both good and bad. Good, because I finally feel like I have something that explains why sex stuff just doesn't work in my brain (like we try to sext and I just ... can't? unless it's relating back to an experience I actually had. Like I can't just make stuff up). And I feel like this is something that can point him in a direction of how to better understand me. He just doesn't get how I don't want/need sex like he does. And I enjoy sex with him and am attracted to him, I just rarely want sex or anything sex-adjacent. I like cuddling and kissing, but for so many years, I've thought that if I even made out with him he would expect that we would have sex too, and I didn't want sex, so I'd stop doing other non-sexual but physical things, like cuddling and caressing and flirting. 

 

On the flip side, I feel like so much of our lives has just been him wanting sex and me not giving it to him. We're worried about what our future looks like because he's clearly not happy with the amount of sex in our lives. The last time we had sex was in December when I was 6 months pregnant. Since then, I had pregnancy issues, then I had the baby and had tearing, plus other post-birth complications, not including anxiety and depression. He says he wants to be with me forever (and I feel the same) but I don't want to doom him to a nearly-sexless marriage. We're trying to do something sexual (whether it's a BJ/HJ, or sex, or sexting) at least twice a week, but I just struggle to get into that mindset, especially when I'm home all day every day with a baby who requires my full attention AND my body. Before baby, one thing that almost always helped get me in the mood was when my husband would stimulate my breasts, and now they're a total no-fly zone because I breastfeed. 

 

Sex for him is validation that he's wanted. I tell him and show him in SO MANY WAYS that I love and want him and that I'm attracted to him, but he still feels like I don't want him. The other night I even initiated and offered him a BJ, tried my best to get into it and have some sexy talk, and afterwards he was upset and said he was confused, and was generally not happy. It made me feel like I'm broken and no matter what I do, it just isn't the right thing. That type of response makes me never want to initiate. 

 

I don't really know what I'm getting at. I just need support and ideas on how to move forward. Splitting up or sex outside of our marriage are not options. Anything else anyone can offer would be amazing. 

Hello

you may want to start your own thread, but can also discuss here. 

 

I think the important thing to keep in mind is that there is no *blame* in having different sexual interests / desires, but that that sexual compatibility is essential to a happy marriage. 

 

The key question is whether there is a level of sexual activity that will make you *both* happy.  Not, something that leaves you feeling pressured and used, and him feeling rejected and resentful.  The latter is not a path to happiness.

 

Neither of you is likely to change and hoping that he will get used to less sex, or his hoping you will desire more, is just setting yourselves up for misery. 

 

Some couples can manage with an open marriage, where the sexual person is free to have sex with others - but for most couples that doesn't work. 

 

Please don't underestimate the importance of this - I've been in a mismatched marriage for >30 years now - it is not some small issue, it casts a shadow on the entire relationship 

 

 

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Pheedre
On 9/30/2019 at 8:09 PM, uhtred said:

I like cuddling and kissing, but for so many years, I've thought that if I even made out with him he would expect that we would have sex too, and I didn't want sex, so I'd stop doing other non-sexual but physical things, like cuddling and caressing and flirting

This is SO me. Gives me anxiety to do anything because I think it will lead to sex or him wanting sex, but by me not doing any of these things, he complains there's not only a lack of sex, but a lack of intimacy (and he'd be right!) 🤦‍♀️

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uhtred
14 hours ago, Pheedre said:

This is SO me. Gives me anxiety to do anything because I think it will lead to sex or him wanting sex, but by me not doing any of these things, he complains there's not only a lack of sex, but a lack of intimacy (and he'd be right!) 🤦‍♀️

Just noting that the post you quoted wasn't from me, probably a quote of a quote etc gone wrong. 

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Pheedre
11 hours ago, uhtred said:

Just noting that the post you quoted wasn't from me, probably a quote of a quote etc gone wrong. 

Whoops sorry lol 😊

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AceMissBehaving
On 10/6/2019 at 9:20 AM, Pheedre said:

This is SO me. Gives me anxiety to do anything because I think it will lead to sex or him wanting sex, but by me not doing any of these things, he complains there's not only a lack of sex, but a lack of intimacy (and he'd be right!) 🤦‍♀️

This is a problem I used to have early on with my partner. If we cuddles he’d want sex, so eventually cuddles stressed me out and it was hard being physically close in any way. 
 

Eventually we were able to essentially set up “safe cuddle time” where we could be physically with absolutely no expectation of it leading to sex, and that was enormously helpful

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Pheedre
51 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

This is a problem I used to have early on with my partner. If we cuddles he’d want sex, so eventually cuddles stressed me out and it was hard being physically close in any way. 
 

Eventually we were able to essentially set up “safe cuddle time” where we could be physically with absolutely no expectation of it leading to sex, and that was enormously helpful

Yes, that sounds good. I don't know though, it's odd because touching and cuddling almost never occur to me, I'd rather be watching a movie with someone, but in my own space, if they want to put an arm around me or something fine but I'm not a fan of being all wrapped up in one another lol. Plus I get hot easily lol 🥵

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