Sexual Compromise & Support

[ryn2]

I hope sleeping helps.

 

I’m not into my 60’s yet but so far getting older feels mentally the same but with more meds and more body parts that hurt.

[ryn2]

Yeah, thinking and sleeping don’t mix well.

[ryn2]

Yeah, it’s always hard to know if alright is all right.

[ryn2]

That’s alright.  

[ryn2]

2 minutes ago, CBC said:

shame is such a shitty fucking emotion.

This is actually closer to on-topic than the rest of the recent convo

But, yes, agreed.

[ryn2]

Yeah, when it’s coning from someone else you can at least feel good about the nice thoughts even if Disordered Brain still goes “yeah, right, what do they know?”

[ryn2]

Just now, CBC said:

And then I keep trying to convince them "No, but _______!", as to why I actually should be ashamed.

Yes!!

[ryn2]

2 minutes ago, CBC said:

The opinion of someone who cares about me carries more weight and is somewhat comforting, at least.

I feel much more compelled to try to talk the people closest to me out of it, though.

[ryn2]

That, I seem to be fully immunized against.

[Traveler40]

So I’ve been watching from the bench for days, but I feel like most of the discussions are in a foreign language. I’m trying to interpret what, why, who, when, where, how and whoa from bits.
 

It feels really bad from a distance, and I’m not sure why.  Just throwing out an, “I’m sorry it’s so shitty!” Generally. May things improve STAT!

[Philip027]

I don't know what's going on but *hugs* as well? :<

 

Quote

That, I seem to be fully immunized against.

Yep.

 

It's not likely to ever happen to me, particularly so since I'm now married to an ace, but I sure would have gotten a fuckin kick out of someone attempting to emotionally manipulate me with sex.  To borrow a sort of relevant metaphor I've seen used around here, it would seem a lot like trying to use a steak to entice a dedicated, hardcore vegetarian.

 

The Lysistrata Gambit is a fascinating concept to look upon as an outsider, I'll say that much.

[Xstatic]

There must be something in the air right now. I'm still going through a thing as well.  And I'm worried about next month. My boyfriend and I are going to a wedding and I'm worried it's going to stir up more shit with my emotions.  I started to settle back into my normal state, but then there I went last night and got drunk while staying over at his house and it was a really good night, and there was a period of time where he was looking at me with those god damn eyes that made me feel like something more was happening. And I know I'm right, I know there was something going on behind those looks. But I do not know what. Because my dumbass asked him again if maybe he was falling in love with me. And he responded with no. And that he didn't even know what that meant or how that feels or how to know.  And I told him that was okay, and that I would just keep waiting and hoping. And he assured me that whatever it is that's happening between us he considers different and special. And I completely believe that. But given what I just went through recently that was probably a dumb question for me to ask at the moment.  And now I'm worried about the upcoming wedding that we are going to in about a month. I'm worried that it's going to affect me negatively. And I'm probably right. Because God damn it I just keep fantasizing about little things happening.  positive things.  I want to slow dance with him. I wonder if he will?  I think so.  I don't know how it will make him feel, I know how it will make me feel...  I just hope I get through the whole experience with a positive outcome and not some dumb cry fest afterwards.

[Xstatic]

7 hours ago, CBC said:

Ouch, that's gotta cut deep. I'm really sorry. 😕

Not as deep as you would think.  I don't expect him to be able to.  I just long for the words deep down.  But I've been sweet talked and romanced by people that treat me like garbage.  It's odd that the one person in my life that has been consistently there for me, and actually makes me feel loved can't fall in love.  Ironic really.

 

4 hours ago, CBC said:

My replacement is 'Solsbury Hill' on repeat (there's a story to that; has nothing to do with relationships and more to do with intense homesickness) and as always, vodka. It's 4.00 am. Whatever. I wonder if Finlandia is hiring spokespeople...

I fall to the bottle and a song more often than I would like to admit.  Last night it was Hozier and Band of Horses.  Luckily I was low on wine.  Loneliness is a bitch.

[ryn2]

That’s one of the things I like(d) about writing fanfiction...  I could put a lot of my own stuff into stories without having to clearly state it was mine.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

I'm bad(ish) with writing fiction for some reason, it's gotta be... I dunno... the actual thing. Me as me. I'm sort of envious of people who can do fiction. It feels like it takes a level of creativity I don't have and I don't often consider myself a creative person. (But that might be bullshit, I'm not sure.)

It may be more related to your strong preference for real over fictional... your creativity may just lie in other places.

[Xstatic]

That's awesome!  I'm so attempting self-care shit right now myself.  Got a gym membership yesterday and bought a book.  A book you say?  Yes.  One of those things I haven't read in like 10+ years.

[anisotrophic]

3 hours ago, xstatic ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

That's awesome!  I'm so attempting self-care shit right now myself.  Got a gym membership yesterday and bought a book.  A book you say?  Yes.  One of those things I haven't read in like 10+ years.

haha I just bought a couple fiction books myself, haven't read for fun in many months. Decided to try exploring afrofuturism.

[Xstatic]

I used to read ridiculous amounts of fiction.  But at some point that faded and my time was spent reading gobs of stupid internet articles.  This time around I went with a light-hearted yet entirely accurate look at AI and how it works.  Here's a random page out of the book talking about those horrible ai generated animal pics...

 

 

I feel like I'm really going to like this one.

[Mountain House]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

What gives confident people confidence?

Having perfected the art of failure.

[anisotrophic]

3 hours ago, CBC said:

What gives confident people confidence?

It's complicated. Confidence varies by context. There are somethings we'll feel confident in ourselves about, and other things we won't. But there's also a global sense of confidence.

This is all written with the ironic/weird perspective of someone that's struggled with self esteem, but found "confidence".

Some of it is interpersonal: do you have people that believe you are capable of things, do they tell you that. Not all of us get that supportive environment. Having it is something we can try to cultivate, but it's a long term goal of building relationships with people that are good for you. There's not a quick fix, but neither are we helpless to change it.

Some of it is experiences – also a long term thing we only have partial influence over. You have to do things you might fail at, to learn you can succeed. You have to fail and get past that failure, to learn that you can get past failure. Only by doing will you know you can do things – and maybe, the more different things you gain confidence in, the more a global sense builds.

It helps to credit yourself with the things you already did, and not trivialize them. Sometimes just surviving counts for a lot. I've had suicidal ideation many times, and I credit myself with not killing myself.

It also helps to have a motivation beyond "I want to be more confident". Mine was "I have to do this" – or maybe "this has to happen" – I depersonalized it, I didn't have impostor syndrome because it didn't matter to me how I felt. Internal motivation was pretty absent. I don't know that I recommend that; more recently I've come to recognize I need to value my own happiness too.

For me, a pivotal moment was probably someone telling me "they hate you because they know you can do everything they can do". In just a few sentences, I was told I had a capacity to do things. It's tough because sometimes those moments turn out to be insincere (hence needing interpersonal relationships that are good for you), but as long as you can believe in them, they're invaluable. Hold on to them if you can.

[ryn2]

It can also help to remember that it’s quite rare that someone has a very strong natural talent.  Sure, those people are out there, but most people who succeed at any given thing actually started at ground level and worked/practiced/learned until they achieved sufficient mastery.

[AceMissBehaving]

4 hours ago, CBC said:

Same as far as used to read lots of fiction, but not so much anymore. I think the last fiction I read was about three years ago and it still had an element of 'real'; it was a novel based on the whole Charles Manson thing, from the perspective of someone with a minor role in a very similar incident. After which I devoured everything I could find about the real case, not uncharacteristically. Not that I wasn't aware of it obviously, but I hadn't previously devoted large chunks of my life to learning about every detail haha. I am who I am.
 

Sort of related to the convo as aWhat gives confident people confidence?

So many of the most incredibly talented people I know  torture themselves with comparisons. Some of these are creative types with several major international awards under their belt, and they still feel like garbage. I do it too. 
 

In the end everything is subjective, one persons better is another persons worst. During a painting exercise in college I had a tutor come by and tell me mine was so bad, the only thing I could do to save it was scrape all the paint off and start from scratch. Before I did that another one came by and told me it was the best in the room and absolutely perfect. After that I learned that even if I always judge my work with the eyes of the first tutor, the world is full of people who see it like the second. So I just keep trying, regardless of how harshly I criticize myself, knowing that I’m doing something I want to be doing, and that no one is as critical as me.

 

I don’t think there are many truly confident people out there. I find most people can project that face, but behind it are just as insecure as the rest of us. It’s more perseverance in spite of it.

[anisotrophic]

19 minutes ago, CBC said:

I'm sure it's not exclusive to girls either, we just get different messages based on our sex.

Since I started T I've become a lot less prone to worrying about what other people think of me. (I had confidence before this; it's different but related.) I used to spin my wheels worrying, have trouble sleeping. Hormonal effects are idiosyncratic. And mixed. This particular effect seems good for me – but too much of it could make someone an asshole.

I think before this, I had a tendency to attribute things completely to socialization that weren't entirely true – there's a physical experience, and that includes how brains work. It's an average effect, there's no "all girls feel X" or "all boys feel X". But in retrospect – now that I experience the change – I think it's also worthwhile to recognize that we're all operating within the biology we have, in addition to our socialization, and that's OK.

One doesn't get to pick and choose with the effects of hormonal transition. I don't think either state is "better" on the whole (male, female, or low-dose approaches), but I do think there are people that are genuinely happier in one state or another. Which is why I fully believe there are people that are happier going the other direction.

[anisotrophic]

3 minutes ago, CBC said:

Yeah there's definitely a physical aspect to it, and I don't know if I find that comforting or discouraging tbh.

 

I'll take the T without the actual transition, please...

Sometimes I think that too! 😂

I keep eyeballing my hairline. My hair's still past my butt and forgive me a little vanity, but I'm reluctant to cut off something that takes so long to grow – yet it's going to look really stupid if I start going bald.

I really really miss being able to cry. I try to shrug it off but TBH I think that part of (my experience of) masculinity really sucks.

[ryn2]

This is so interesting to me...  as my longest relationship imploded I basically lost my ability to cry, but that also roughly corresponds to the phase where I went from perimenopause to menopause so there could potentially be a hormonal component (less E/P to offset the native T).

[ryn2]

26 minutes ago, CBC said:

Otherwise not being able to cry is a severe depression thing for me.

Yeah, I’d been blaming “mental health took a big hit here!” for the lack of crying and the heightened sense of frustration/hair trigger but now I wonder if there’s a hormonal component as well.

[Philip027]

My spouse is someone that definitely can relate to the "crying for emotional release" thing.  I cannot; for me crying is just an involuntary expression of This Sucks Ass and it doesn't do anything to alleviate that for me, which ironically often leaves me feeling worse because crying feels like a useless action that isn't helping to improve my situation whatsoever and is only debilitating me further by leaving me as a sleepy, blubbering mess -- on top of already feeling like shit to begin with.

 

Buuuuuut even though they've been on T for over a month now that doesn't seem to have been affected for them, they definitely can still cry without any additional difficulty.  That being said, they are on a lower dosage for now (something like 250 ml or whatever, and will eventually be scaled up to 500 ml and 1000 ml or sooooomething like that) so maybe we've yet to see the extent of the changes.

[ryn2]

4 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

for me crying is just an involuntary expression of This Sucks Ass and it doesn't do anything to alleviate that for me, which ironically often leaves me feeling worse because crying feels like a useless action that isn't helping to improve my situation whatsoever and is only debilitating me further by leaving me as a sleepy, blubbering mess -- on top of already feeling like shit to begin with.

Saaaaaaame.  I just used to do a lot more of it.

[Philip027]

Well, now it's my turn to feel a little envious.

[anisotrophic]

30 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

even though they've been on T for over a month now that doesn't seem to have been affected for them, they definitely can still cry without any additional difficulty.  That being said, they are on a lower dosage for now (something like 250 ml or whatever, and will eventually be scaled up to 500 ml and 1000 ml or sooooomething like that)

yeah, as noted it's idiosyncratic, it affects everyone differently.

I noticed almost immediately when on 30mg per weekly intramuscular injection & it's more dramatic now at 60 mg/week. and congrats to them on starting! if they're injecting, make sure to feel badass about that 😉