Guest Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Nothing here. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 10 minutes ago, CBC said: I just think people often don't like it when they hear "I feel sorry for you". For some reason, it's often perceived as pity. Which makes sense because that’s what pitying someone means. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Feeling extremely sad and hopeless and very much hating sex again right now. *sigh* Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Nothing here. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 5 minutes ago, Serran said: Feeling extremely sad and hopeless and very much hating sex again right now. *sigh* *hugs*... that sucks! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 10 minutes ago, ryn2 said: *hugs*... that sucks! Mmm. I kinda feel like I should just give up. I experienced sexuality, it was an experience. I know what I have the potential to feel. But, in reality, that feeling is only based around illusion so it won't last so why keep trying to hold onto it. I'm kind of done fighting a losing battle. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Hmm. I usubscribed to all the sexual mailing lists I had (lingerie sales and the like). And it's made me feel a little better. Think later I'm going to wash all my lingerie and toys and stuff and box them up. Just purge my life of anything sex related. And start living in reality, rather than trying to hope for something that can never happen. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, CBC said: I know you sent a PM a little while back... I've had the social energy to communicate with two people lately (outside of relationship stuff) and to stave off my mother's inane texts, and I'm sorry I haven't gotten round to it. Like I'm straight-up embarrassed. And then the anxiety builds and I just... ugh. I don't have a good excuse, just I'm sorry I'm useless at the moment. Anyway, I quoted that bit because even though both my experiences of sexuality and my relationship issues are very different from yours, there's something in those words I connect to for reasons I won't get into. And I'm terrified of permanently losing certain parts of myself. Its OK. I know you have stuff going on. I just basically got my fears confirmed and all my efforts are utterly useless. So, right now, I really dont want the sexual side of myself. I want to kill it. And killing it is making me feel better. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 27 minutes ago, Serran said: Hmm. I usubscribed to all the sexual mailing lists I had (lingerie sales and the like). And it's made me feel a little better. Think later I'm going to wash all my lingerie and toys and stuff and box them up. Just purge my life of anything sex related. And start living in reality, rather than trying to hope for something that can never happen. You can always try that approach for a while and see if you ultimately feel better... if not, you can revisit. Sometimes the “ideal” life is worth the work, sometimes it isn’t. Still, not a fun choice to have to make. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 1 minute ago, Serran said: I just basically got my fears confirmed and all my efforts are utterly useless. So, right now, I really dont want the sexual side of myself. I want to kill it. And killing it is making me feel better. Not that it helps but I hear ya and that totally makes sense to me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Quote Reminds me of how people say you should be against abortion since you're lucky your mother didn't abort you. Hey, I didn't ask to be here. I'm not thankful for being gifted the bullshitty mess of human existence and I'm not obligated to be. And if I'd been aborted, I wouldn't be somehow aware of it and be saddened or hurt or angry. Oh gods, someone telling me something like that would unleash the tirade of the century from me (for pretty much the exact same reason as you), and I don't think I usually get angry at people very easily. Hell, I've already talked about this subject in particular on these forums (not directed at anyone in particular, just general ranting). If you've seen that post of mine, just imagine that, but angrier. In the end though, that thread turned out to be a good thing because it somehow led to the person who would eventually become my spouse finding me and reaching out. (So, lesson to be learned here -- if you're feeling like total shit, complain openly about it. It could lead to good things!) Quote Fair enough. I just think people often don't like it when they hear "I feel sorry for you". For some reason, it's commonly perceived as pity. That's an interesting linguistic realisation, actually. "I'm sorry you're struggling" or "I'm sorry, that sounds awful" or "I'm sorry, I know what that's like" are usually perceived as caring expressions of sympathy and/or empathy, whereas "I feel sorry for you" seems to make most people cringe. I'm reminded of the whole "woman without her man is nothing" statement. At first, it sounds like a statement that is rather demeaning toward women and props men up, but stick some punctuation and inflection to match in there: "woman: without her, man is nothing" and it makes a complete reversal. Obviously, neither of these statements are actually true and neither should be picked up as any sort of philosophy to live by (especially not by you!) It's just to make a linguistic point of how easily the meaning (or perceived meaning) of something can completely change with the slightest of edits. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Whore*of*Mensa Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 I know it's a different context but when I hear 'didn't ask to be here' it does make me think of the phrase 'didn't ask to be born' which I think has given birth to many memes. (unintentional pun there!) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 51 minutes ago, Serran said: I just basically got my fears confirmed and all my efforts are utterly useless. So, right now, I really dont want the sexual side of myself. I want to kill it. And killing it is making me feel better. I'm sorry. And that sounds like a reasonable reaction. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 1 hour ago, anisotrophic said: I'm sorry. And that sounds like a reasonable reaction. Think I'll ever stop randomly crying? Last two days has been random bouts of it. Then bouts of anger and hating everything. Then trying to be logical. Then crying more. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Yes, but it will be a while... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 25 minutes ago, ryn2 said: Yes, but it will be a while... I don't like that answer. I dont even know how I'm gonna make it through work tomorrow right now. Every time I stop for a minute I start crying. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 4 minutes ago, Serran said: I don't like that answer. I dont even know how I'm gonna make it through work tomorrow right now. Every time I stop for a minute I start crying. Grief has its own schedule. I actually find I’m much better at work, when life is a mess, because I have stuff to focus on and keep myself (mentally) busy. I also get a much-needed sense of consistency at work; my life may have imploded, in small or large ways, but work still makes the same demands as always. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 In the sense that... that version would have fewer/different problems and perhaps be more content with its lot? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Yeah, that’s tough because when you change one tiny thing you’re potentially changing the whole outcome in ways you can’t forsee. Obv. if that you *had* died, you would be dead... but if that you had stayed alive and persisted it’s hard to even guess if things would be better or worse today. I made a small-seeming choice in college that changed the entire course of my life. Of everyone I know today, I would only know three people. I don’t know if I made the right choice or the wrong one, though... that life might have been worse. Or better. *shrugs* Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 I never, ever want to go back to the kid/adolescent phase of my life. Things might have been "easier" as a kid, but I feel like that is precisely what led me down the road to my depression in the first place (primarily upon realizing that life isn't the hopeful idealistic false reality that people tried to pitch it to me as), and adolescence is when all of that started to culminate and hit me like a freight train. I may not have come close to actually dying, but I definitely skirted with feeling like I wanted to, and every so often to this day I definitely do get those "in another slightly altered reality I could have been dead right now" thoughts. I at least now have the ability to look back and admit that all of that still played an integral part in eventually putting me where I am today, in a stable relationship with someone I love and who (miraculously) loves me back... but it still doesn't mean I'd want to relive those events. Sometimes, in my weaker moments, it still has me wishing I could go back and slap my kid self across the face for being so stupid, and gullible. Quote My mother asked once after I got married why I was still struggling so much with my mental health. "You have a relationship now." That sort of thing. First off, it's stupid as fuck to think it's that simple. That's not how mental illness works. My mom is similarly bad with understanding this sort of thing. It was part of the inspiration for my angsty emo post from years back, too. But even she wasn't one to suggest that my current relationship would make things all better. In fact, when it began there was some wariness (from both our parents) that the fact both my partner and I suffered from depression could potentially cause it to feed off of each other and leave us in an even worse state, which I suppose actually does happen with some couples so the fear probably isn't unfounded. It didn't take too long to assuage their fear, though. It may not have "fixed" us, but because of our shared experience we're better equipped to give each other the proper support when we need it, which has only strengthened the relationship further. Instead of us dragging each other down we help lift each other back up, which I think is reflective of how a good relationship ought to be working, depression or not. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 6 hours ago, CBC said: Thank you both, sincerely. @Pheedre That's probably my favourite compliment. Honestly that was supposed to be about two or three sentences long and it somehow became something else, haha. I woke up randomly and have not gone back to sleep yet, so I'm just kinda... sitting here. I remember maybe in my late teens or early 20s I had to answer a question that was something like "What do you want to do with your life?" and my reply was along the lines of "Write things that make people feel something." I don't know how often that's true, I'm not going to be pretentious enough to claim that other people feel much of anything at all, but if I end up feeling something myself, that's usually good enough. And yeah, I do think it's better to be real about things. I like to go for "real" when I write. And clear and honest and hopefully with some sort of flow that makes sense, like how thoughts actually build. You know how music can build? Like that. It feels like creating a soundless soundtrack. And I have no idea if that makes any sense. I wish I could write coherently, mine is always all over the place 😂 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 2 minutes ago, CBC said: Half the time I don't feel coherent, fwiw. Hahah well it flowed for sure. Makes it so much easier to understand the writer that way for sure, and if you enjoy narrative, can be very pleasant I think. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Meta-commentary on my own commentary: I'm reminded that my thought process regarding my childhood/adolescence is probably one that at least some others can directly relate to, because I'm realizing that was something explored in the opening scenes of The Matrix -- namely, where the main character is offered a choice between (essentially) remaining ignorant in bliss, or having their eyes opened to the true reality of things even with strong implications that said reality sucks copious amounts of ass. You know, the whole "red pill / blue pill" thing, arguably one of the more iconic film scenes in more recent times. Obviously he chooses the latter, because he's the hero and was written that way and otherwise there wouldn't be much of a movie. But I have to wonder at what sorts of things carry weight toward whichever direction in the minds of other people should they have found themselves in a similar sort of situation. For me, the latter would be a very clear choice, but it's not like anyone is making a movie out of my life, and the way the choice is presented makes it clear that it's not something everyone else would decide upon in the same way. I don't really know where I'm going with this; it's just fascinating to think of the alternative perspectives, I guess. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 5 hours ago, CBC said: Fair enough. I just think people often don't like it when they hear "I feel sorry for you". For some reason, it's commonly perceived as pity. That's an interesting linguistic realisation, actually. "I'm sorry you're struggling" or "I'm sorry, that sounds awful" or "I'm sorry, I know what that's like" are usually perceived as caring expressions of sympathy and/or empathy, whereas "I feel sorry for you" seems to make most people cringe. Ooooh right? That is SO true, never thought of that. I guess there's just no context with the "I feel sorry for you", and it always feels like it can be taken sarcastically as well, or meant in a nasty way? 🤷♀️ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 1 hour ago, ryn2 said: Grief has its own schedule. I actually find I’m much better at work, when life is a mess, because I have stuff to focus on and keep myself (mentally) busy. I also get a much-needed sense of consistency at work; my life may have imploded, in small or large ways, but work still makes the same demands as always. Totally agree with this. When I was struggling big time with my life recently, the comfort I found in the consistency of work was to the point where, as soon as I left the office and walked down the hall to pee or go on lunch break, the anxiety arose because I'd start thinking about my immediate problems. I didn't realize until that point how much working helps me in a lot of ways. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 1 hour ago, CBC said: Unrelatedly, I wish I was who I thought I was about a decade ago. I don't want to be, but I wish I was. I don't know that that makes sense. But then it would all be ok. If I could just not be myself it would be great. Also I hate most humans today. Those days are normal, yeah? I hate a lot of human kind these days and find I cannot connect with people on many levels, and therefore I just feel odd most of the time. Also, and I do NOT mean to sound like I'm any great thing either, I'm probably just as boring lol, but I find most people, well, boring 🤷♀️ I am however enjoying reading your various posts lately though, in a total, not stalking you and reading all your recent posts kind of way bahah 😂 I just enjoy people who have something interesting or different to say. Having said all this, AVEN does seem to have some of the most interesting people I've encountered. I had stayed away for a bit but I think I remember why I was here in the first place now and must have been craving some interesting conversation! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Pheedre Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 14 minutes ago, CBC said: I think we're all pretty boring, objectively. We're all just people doing people things. None of us is special, or truly that fascinating. I don't think that's how it works, though; I think we find other people with whom we click, and so we don't find them boring because their personalities and ours work somehow. That's how we make friends and fall in love. I do also think that some people are objectively very, very dull though haha, more than average. I know a few. And some other people live especially intriguing lives. And haha, thanks... I'm sorry for whatever bullshit you've come across. 😬😂 Well, then, I've been coming across the "very very dull" more than I'd like to lately 😂 It just kinda makes me feel lonely though, because then I do not feel like interacting with anyone ya know? (Well, as lonely as I get, that is hahah) I'm kind of an, "I dont need anyone, and please dont depend on me gal") lol. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 5 minutes ago, CBC said: I'm just going to leave this here because I don't know where else to put it and I guess this is the only thread I'm posting in now or whatever. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Uhhh. Need to talk about it? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 *hugs*, ceebs... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 7 hours ago, Serran said: Think I'll ever stop randomly crying? Last two days has been random bouts of it. Then bouts of anger and hating everything. Then trying to be logical. Then crying more. I think @ryn2 was right to call it grief, and the whole "phases" thing is what one bounces between. I've really been struggling with not being able to cry. I know that's a weak comfort to give. I'm sorry about what's happened. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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