Switters Posted January 31, 2020 Share Posted January 31, 2020 By the way Canada is unbelievable diverse. Regions have accents customs and foods. 500years in the makings. And we are not all blindly nice. Eh Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tomahto Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 Married since '03. I didn't begin to see she might be asexual until maybe a decade ago. I stopped resenting her over it maybe a couple years ago. If I am able to have sex with another person, is it cheating? She seems to think it would be. Personally, I don't. I tried twice to cheat on her. The second attempt 3 years ago included my sexually harassing a coworker and destroying the friendship I had with that colleague I no longer think I "deserve" let alone "need" sex. That kind of sense of entitlement leads to abusive behavior, and you cannot convince me otherwise. Luckily I am eighty pounds overweight and fairly obnoxious and fairly lazy socially, so potential for sex with anyone is extremely low. None of my coworkers are compelling that way. (I had to relocate my worksite to eliminate risk of my harassing her again. Hence the exception to that generality is once again out of sight.) Pity party, party of one. No one gives a shit but my therapist, and no one owes me a damn thing. I choose to be with my wife and that includes everything, including not expecting sex. (That voluntary aspect is crucial! I am not an incel.) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tomahto Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 For me, it helps to understand that asexuality is a sexual orientation baked into a person, like homo or hetero sexuality. You can't "pray the gay away" and that applies I think for asexuality as well. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 To be able to voice it, face it, deal with it, not bury it and eventually move through it *is* strength. I’d like to send you a box of wine glasses and a few hugs. While it may not feel like it, you’re not alone. You make total sense, and I’m sorry it’s not easier. Smash a glass, toast a glass. Whatever it takes. You’re perfect, perfectly said and needed round these here parts. May this pass uneventfully. 😘 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 *hugs* @CBC. There’s some truth in what you’re saying, but also plenty of “this is my dysfunction talking,” and I know you rationally know which is which - and irrationally don’t believe the truth anyway, which I so get - so I’m not going to be That Person(tm) and point it out for you. It’s okay to have shitty days and to not feel up to dragging the baggage around. It’s okay to be flawed. I like you loads anyway! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 3 hours ago, CBC said: little letters like that. Superscript, subscript. More *hugs* 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 13, 2020 Share Posted February 13, 2020 My brain is full of useless info. :) Day drinking does have its place. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted February 14, 2020 Share Posted February 14, 2020 Well, today has been kind of hard on me, and I'm super annoyed at myself for being this way. Usually I don't let my boyfriend's aromatic side get to me, but today when I'm surrounded by the buzz of constant acts of romance, it kind of stings my heart a little. I know he tries his best and I feel ashamed that I'm struggling with it at all. Stupid corporate holiday bs. Ugh. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 @CBC Thank you. I beat myself up pretty badly whenever I encounter these emotions. I've never been treated well in my relationships and for the first time I am, and so whenever I do have any sadness about not feeling certain reciprocated desires and emotions, I feel like an ungrateful bitch and all I can do is punish myself. I'm currently suffering from the consequences of my own actions. Last night I drank a lot and listened to music and cried because I was alone. Now I'm stuck in bed with a splitting headache and a hefty dose of shame, worried that he'll find out I'm such a fuck-up and leave me. What a mess. But your words are comforting and I very much appreciate them. I need to handle those emotions differently. I should probably just talk to him about it like an adult but I'm so scared of ever hurting him. I don't want him to feel bad about something that's not in his control. And it's not very often that I feel sad, so is it worth the risk? I hope you're feeling better today. I really do. 💕 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 18 minutes ago, xstatic ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said: I've never been treated well in my relationships and for the first time I am, and so whenever I do have any sadness about not feeling certain reciprocated desires and emotions, I feel like an ungrateful bitch and all I can do is punish myself. There’s a difference between wishing a situation could be different and criticizing a person... it’s okay for you to recognize that he treats you well overall AND grieve the things your life is missing, all at the same time. It’s not his fault he can’t provide those things; likewise, it’s not *your* fault you really, really wish you had them. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 I lost my temper badly last night because I can't figure out how to handle emotional pain without being able to cry. Or rather, haven't yet figured out. I hope. I don't want to touch alcohol when unhappy now for fear it'd make things worse. Maybe I'll try something like nyquil ... some sort of downer to knock myself out that's not dangerous. Ugh. Maybe my husband's right about me getting a punching bag. Need to keep trying things. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 9 minutes ago, anisotrophic said: I lost my temper badly last night because I can't figure out how to handle emotional pain without being able to cry. Or rather, haven't yet figured out. I hope. I don't want to touch alcohol when unhappy now for fear it'd make things worse. Maybe I'll try something like nyquil ... some sort of downer to knock myself out that's not dangerous. Ugh. Maybe my husband's right about me getting a punching bag. Need to keep trying things. I tend to get it out by throwing, kicking, hitting things that are safe to do. Away from my partner. Different people have different coping mechanisms. I had training at work on techniques and some use rock therapy, stress toys, or even just something you can squeeze really tight until your hand aches. Others may use calming music (I sometimes do this.. a song on infinite loop that helps block out my mind until I can get emotions in check). Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 13 minutes ago, anisotrophic said: Maybe I'll try something like nyquil You can get the alcohol-free version but the regular is 20 proof so it’s just “drinking that tastes bad.” 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 15, 2020 Share Posted February 15, 2020 Just now, ryn2 said: You can get the alcohol-free version but the regular is 20 proof so it’s just “drinking that tastes bad.” It is also a bad habit to form and can become at least psychologically addictive. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 3 hours ago, ryn2 said: There’s a difference between wishing a situation could be different and criticizing a person... it’s okay for you to recognize that he treats you well overall AND grieve the things your life is missing, all at the same time. It’s not his fault he can’t provide those things; likewise, it’s not *your* fault you really, really wish you had them. The logical me completely understands what you are saying, but my heart holds me accountable. I mean, sure, of course I want those things. But I made the choice to stay and overlook them. And for good reason. I need to remember why I made those choices. I can't allow myself to destroy this. It's too perfect. My biggest fear is that I am going to sabotage it because I don't feel like I deserve it. 3 hours ago, CBC said: As for talking to him... I'll be honest, my brain can't decide what the best option is. I believe strongly in honesty, but I also very much understand why sometimes we keep things to ourselves. I... I'm useless for advice on that one, tbh. 😕 I definitely like to be upfront and honest, but I have a history of hiding bad behavior (specifically self-destructive behavior) both because of shame, and because of fear. I've told him in tears of guilt that I hide bad behavior from him. So I'm at least honest about it to an extent. Honestly I could use a good therapist, but I just can't afford one. I am actively trying to change. I really am. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Also, if you all figure out some zen way to deal with emotions, I'm all ears. Clearly my method of internalizing until I self-destruct isn't working. Maybe we should all buy punching bags. 🤔 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 58 minutes ago, xstatic ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said: I made the choice to stay and overlook them. And for good reason. And that can totally be the right choice, but it may still hurt from time to time. That’s okay. Feelings aren’t good or bad. They just are. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 1 hour ago, CBC said: I did that for a long time, until I couldn't hide it anymore. One look at me and anyone certainly knew there was something wrong. The bad behaviour itself often comes from a place of shame, definitely one of pain, and then you have to hide the behaviour(s) as well and that just causes more shame. I don't even know when the behaviors started. But I was a problem child. The black sheep. I come from money. Like, ridiculous money. And it was clear that I was an embarrassment to my mother. I was diagnosed with ADHD but my mother refused to believe it and it has forever gone untreated. And I don't even want to begin to talk about how much fear I had of being completely abandoned by my mom when I started to realize that I also liked girls. I think that's probably when I started hiding. I was 12. That's also when I started hanging out with the alternative kids. I liked them because I didn't feel like trash around them. But they weren't very good people. My mom has this theory that I was sexually abused as a small child and that explains everything. I don't know if that's true or not. But it leaves her blameless and that's where she prefers to be. I have selective memory. That's one of the reasons I'm bad at relationships. I can make myself forget all of the horrible things done to me. My first abusive relationship was when I was only 14. Though great for survival, it has developed into memory loss issues. I have a hard time keeping thoughts straight and I have to write things down so that I don't forget...but then sometimes I can't remember what my notes even mean. It can be extremely frustrating. I've somehow managed to create two very thoughtful, loving children throughout my bumbling disaster of a life. I don't know how. I feel ashamed to be their poor excuse of a mother, but I'm very proud of them. I would probably be dead if not for them. And even still, I almost succeeded in that towards the end of my last marriage. I'm not even touching my self-destructive habits. My guess is if you name one, I probably have it. I've spent the last two years putting my life back together. There are still a lot of pieces on the ground, but god damn it, I'm trying. I don't even know what normal is. But I feel like I'm on the right path at least... 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Sobbing one’s face off whilst drunk is just asking for a killer dehydration headache in the morning! It’s sadly impressive how much bad stuff a show of parental disappointment can generate, even when it has no relation to reality at all. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Just now, CBC said: I'm glad I've no drive to have children. (I'm reaching to "too old for it anyway" point, imo.) I'd be scared shitless of fucking them up, and I would never wish lifelong emotional pain on someone else, especially my own child. Same same. Except I’m past too old now. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 9 minutes ago, CBC said: My body is far too much of a mess to handle it anyway (one of a number of reasons I opted for an abortion years ago) and in my head I'm closer to 60 than 35 haha. No kiddos happening here. Yeah, been there. Except now I really am (way) closer to 60 than 35, lol. I actually had a point to make but it eludes me. Oops! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Salmiakki Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 5 hours ago, CBC said: I'm glad I've no drive to have children. (I'm reaching to "too old for it anyway" point, imo.) Lol, my mom was 34 (or 35?) when she had me. And I'm the first child. (I have two younger siblings.) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 2 hours ago, CBC said: It may just be my parents' personalities that don't work for having a kid anyway, regardless of age, but I was always slightly annoyed as a child that they were older than all my peers' parents. It limited some stuff and I resented that. Same. I think it was mostly Child Logic though as having kids later is a thing now and plenty of parents are doing fine. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 1 hour ago, CBC said: It's Sunday, yeah? I feel like I should get my ass to church to atone for something, but I don't think I've done anything. 😂 Also am not religious. But that does remind me how I've said I have church-based sexual fantasies. (It's fine to mention that here, yeah? Since it's SPFA and all...) I need coffee... Going back to bed and dreaming about church seems more practical. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 9 minutes ago, CBC said: Unless it's, like, fun in a church. Well, yeah, that’s what I meant since you mentioned fantasies... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Hah, lol, no. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Oof, I had my son when I was 17 so he'll never think of me as too old. 😂 My daughter I had at the sensible age of 29. You know, what always bothered me was after I had my son, people kept asking me when I was going to have another. Or, "don't you think he needs a sibling?" And I was like, yo.... I kinda want to go to college. What are you doing? Why on Earth are you suddenly wanting me to be a baby machine? The subject of my vagina went from taboo to baby factory real quick. 😑 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 6 minutes ago, CBC said: Pleased to say mine will never make that transition unless hell freezes over. I somehow doubt it will make the transition even then! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 22 minutes ago, xstatic ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said: Oof, I had my son when I was 17 so he'll never think of me as too old. 😂 My daughter I had at the sensible age of 29. You know, what always bothered me was after I had my son, people kept asking me when I was going to have another. Or, "don't you think he needs a sibling?" And I was like, yo.... I kinda want to go to college. What are you doing? Why on Earth are you suddenly wanting me to be a baby machine? The subject of my vagina went from taboo to baby factory real quick. 😑 I am 33, working full time, trying to go through the complicated legal process of a visa and going to college full time to earn my degree. But, I still get asked why I am not working on a baby.... uhhh... hello? Kids are a lot of work, why would I want to add that to the already tiring mix of having barely any time ? Plus, uhm, hello you know my "husband" (I am not out as having a wife at work) is not able to live here yet! So I'd be doing it on my own! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Yeah, it's one thing to ask if someone has kids, but hounding and guilting women about their choice not to have them is kinda disgusting. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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