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Sexual Compromise & Support

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Kree_kay
On 2/17/2019 at 7:57 AM, Telecaster68 said:

One of the ways round it is that you both compromise - you by initiating at least sometimes, and him by accepting that while you're not acting out of lust (or sexual desire), you're doing it out of love, so in a way it is an act of love.

I try. I'll wear something sexy, grab parts (lol), or otherwise try to set the mood. I think he may just not like how I initiate 🙄

 

From what he has been saying lately, I think he wants me to initiate all of the time. He has also said he finds sex a chore because of me, for lack for a better word, needing to be more warmed up and not always 100% immediately into it. I know scheduling sex isn't sexy, but it helps me mentally prepare and reminds me to think about it (because I don't normally). He admitted to using porn over having sex in the past, and that had nothing to do with me. I was trying to improve our intimacy even if I didn't feel 100% into for myself.

 

For example, I did this idea with similar cards:  " They also sell things like naughty cards you can give your partner. Like "Redeem for one blowjob" etc that would be a gift one could give and then its still the sexual partner initiating by redeeming the cards, but the other partner has showed interest by gifting them. "

 

Also, he wont' talk about any of this unless we are in couples therapy, which we go to for other reasons. I'm starting to think he's just looking for a reason to get out rather than actually working on anything. It is getting really frustrating for me. I wish I would have never told him about asexuality, because now that is his reason for our problems, and he isn't taking any shared responsibility on working things out.

 

Apologies, that was a bit of a vent. I'm just feeling a bit lost and sad right now.

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ryn2
15 minutes ago, Kree_kay said:

I'm starting to think he's just looking for a reason to get out rather than actually working on anything.

Ugh, yeah, I got into that situation last year and it was very frustrating.  Sorry!

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ryn2
16 minutes ago, Kree_kay said:

I wish I would have never told him about asexuality, because now that is his reason for our problems, and he isn't taking any shared responsibility on working things out.

This, too... after really working through things myself I don’t even think I *am* ace, but my then-partner would not let me retract my made-in-haste statement and it became a convenient hook to hang everything else on.

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Sally

It doesn't sound like he wants to work things through, or do anything except complain.  Without two partners, there can't be any compromise, and without two partners, there isn't a relationship.  Aren't  you tired of trying?  

 

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☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
1 hour ago, Kree_kay said:

From what he has been saying lately, I think he wants me to initiate all of the time. He has also said he finds sex a chore because of me, for lack for a better word, needing to be more warmed up and not always 100% immediately into it. 

Oh good lord.  🙄

 

Okay, first of all, needing to be warmed up is totally common.  This is not abnormal behavior at all.

 

Secondly, telling you that you have to initiate 100% of the time is not the slightest bit fair to you.

 

These are both extremely inconsiderate, and downright selfish.  What about your needs?  

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anamikanon
On 1/22/2019 at 11:03 AM, Allurianna said:

Phew it's been a while since I came on here. I'm grateful to have gotten a few replies to my topic. @anamikanon Just so you know, your careful responses mean the world to me. If there's one thing I can never appreciate it's circumventing hard truths. I thrive on honesty, and sometimes it can seem harsh, as you've said, but at the end of the day, it's with the best intentions. That said, somehow we're still together. Although we did have a long talk about what our relationship was and whether there was any hope in its survival. Apart from my own beliefs/desires/behaviours, we're both struggling with a major financial stressor. I like to think that's part of what put me in such a questioning position. But if so, that just makes me question even more whether or not I have "feelings". I spend too much time trying to define what "feelings" even are, and if I can bring them to life. Did I ever even have them? Is what I want just friendship? What does it mean to love a friend? It's hard trying to separate the sexual from the not having seen it and learned it for so long. That's probably the hardest part - not knowing any other way, but having to deal with these thoughts, "feelings", and expectations. Some months ago my sister asked me if I wanted to get married. I told her I just want to be able to pay my bills. Companionship is nice, but it's never been important to me, even from a young age. But nevertheless, I yearn to yearn. I just want to be more like the majority, I guess. I don't know anymore. 

I'd been away for a long time and just saw this. Very glad to know that you took my responses in the spirit they were given and that they were useful.

 

About the rest, I think it is okay to not know things and maybe find out in the future or maybe not. We can only deal with what is going on in the here and now in a real sense. If you feel, you feel. If you don't, you don't.

 

That said, financial stress can be a brutal thing and an absolute killer for a lot of aspects of our life where emotional openness counts. The sheer feeling of inadequacy it brings along can destroy all instinct to open up from relationships to creativity. Sometimes recognizing that this stressor is in play, as you are doing, can help free you from its impact spilling over in other areas. Sometimes not.

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Fallen Unicorn

Hello.

 

I joined this website because I broke up with somebody who came out as asexual to me during the relationship, and despite my considerate questions about what was okay and not okay, she refused to keep doing things that weren't even inherently sexual (making out, etc). Essentially, she wouldn't compromise, and I tried to deal with that (even though I was angry at first). At first, I didn't even think it was a problem, but I couldn't figure out why I was having anxiety attacks all the time. I thought something was wrong with me, and I broke up with her. Cut to several days later, and I have an epiphany: despite everything that she gave me (a safe place, gifts, cuddles), it wasn't enough without the sexual intimacy where I felt wanted. If anything, it felt like a weird friendship.

 

Her and her sister are pissed at me for my reason for breaking up with her, but I feel like I did the bravest and fairest thing for both of us. I gave up a lot, but I know that I am resilient.

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Silverwolf13
Posted (edited)
19 hours ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

Hello.

 

I joined this website because I broke up with somebody who came out as asexual to me during the relationship, and despite my considerate questions about what was okay and not okay, she refused to keep doing things that weren't even inherently sexual (making out, etc). Essentially, she wouldn't compromise, and I tried to deal with that (even though I was angry at first). At first, I didn't even think it was a problem, but I couldn't figure out why I was having anxiety attacks all the time. I thought something was wrong with me, and I broke up with her. Cut to several days later, and I have an epiphany: despite everything that she gave me (a safe place, gifts, cuddles), it wasn't enough without the sexual intimacy where I felt wanted. If anything, it felt like a weird friendship.

 

Her and her sister are pissed at me for my reason for breaking up with her, but I feel like I did the bravest and fairest thing for both of us. I gave up a lot, but I know that I am resilient.

As an ace, I think you did what was best for you. Some people need that form of intimacy on some level. Your need for it is as valid as her need to not have it. Sometimes mixed relationships don't work. It may just not be possible.  People do not need to stay in relationships, period. If that relationship cannot work for them, it would be more harmful to stay.  Doesn't make either of you wrong or broken. It just makes the relationship not right for you.

 

Edit: I forgot to welcome you with cake. Welcome!

Image result for fancy cake

Edited by Silverwolf13
Forgot to welcome

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Fallen Unicorn
On 3/25/2019 at 3:56 PM, Silverwolf13 said:

As an ace, I think you did what was best for you. Some people need that form of intimacy on some level. Your need for it is as valid as her need to not have it. Sometimes mixed relationships don't work. It may just not be possible.  People do not need to stay in relationships, period. If that relationship cannot work for them, it would be more harmful to stay.  Doesn't make either of you wrong or broken. It just makes the relationship not right for you.

 

Edit: I forgot to welcome you with cake. Welcome!

Thank you 😊

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Neshama

I'm new to aven and I'm mostly here because my partner is asexual and I'm very much not, and I don't really know what to do. He doesn't want to have sex at all and anytime the compromise conversation comes up he says that he feels that I'm being unaccepting of his sexuality and trying to coerce/guilt trip him into sex. At first, we thought I could just get sex elsewhere and he would be okay as long as I didn't emotionally cheat, but as soon as I went through with it he had an emotional reaction and said he didn't want to share me. So now I'm just celibate... can anyone with more experience than me give me some advice? I'm sorry if I'm bothering anyone.

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ryn2

Welcome, @Neshama.  I love your icon!

 

There are a number of sexual posters here who are, or have been, in relationships (including marriages) with asexual people.  Some are poly, some are not.  Hopefully you’ll find their guidance helpful.

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Telecaster68
26 minutes ago, Neshama said:

I'm new to aven and I'm mostly here because my partner is asexual and I'm very much not, and I don't really know what to do. He doesn't want to have sex at all and anytime the compromise conversation comes up he says that he feels that I'm being unaccepting of his sexuality and trying to coerce/guilt trip him into sex. At first, we thought I could just get sex elsewhere and he would be okay as long as I didn't emotionally cheat, but as soon as I went through with it he had an emotional reaction and said he didn't want to share me. So now I'm just celibate... can anyone with more experience than me give me some advice? I'm sorry if I'm bothering anyone.

Have a poke round all the threads in this section and see what you find. In the meantime, here's the short version of your options...

 

  1. Status quo. You'll never have sex again. Many sexual partners find this wears them down over the years, and the distancing and possibly resentment spreads through the rest of the relationship.
  2. Split up. Downside: painful now and you might feel that sex is a shallow reason to end a relationship. It's no more shallower than if your partner had unilaterally said there would be no more conversation between you, and you couldn't talk to anyone else either. Upside: no lingering resentment and you can probably stay friends in the end.
  3. Have sex with other people. Either with or without their knowledge and permission. You've obviously figured out the pros and cons of this
  4. Compromise. You have less sex than you want, he has more sex than he wants, but you can both live with it, and neither of you feels exploited. This may not be as workable long term as you'd like it be.

 

Two things: Firstly, communication is important. Nobody owes another person sex, but partners in a relationship owe each other communication. If the lack of sex doesn't kill the relationship, lack of communication will for sure. Secondly, you will never, ever be sexually desired by an asexual. Not once, ever. The best you'll get will be him having sex out of consideration for you, a bit like a sexual person might give their partner a massage.

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InquisitivePhilosopher

Hi, and welcome, @Neshama:cake:

 

I just thought I'd echo @ryn2's comment about your avatar: it's a nice addition to the community's large number of cat avatars. :P

 

I wish I had advice to give for this particular topic, but I feel @Telecaster68's post was a good summation of advice that's been given around the forum.

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Neshama

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the help! It's nice to know that the things I'm struggling with are not unique to me or my fault. Side note: why the cake?

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 minute ago, Neshama said:

why the cake?

Cake is better than sex ;)

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Neshama

Oh. But then why not bacon or ice cream? Why cake specifically?

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Anthracite_Impreza

I have no idea, maybe because it can be made vegan so everyone can have it? It's also easy to make into the ace colours.

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Neshama

Okay. That makes sense. Sorry, I'm new to this community, so references might be unfamiliar to me.

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☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
21 hours ago, Neshama said:

I'm new to aven and I'm mostly here because my partner is asexual and I'm very much not, and I don't really know what to do. He doesn't want to have sex at all and anytime the compromise conversation comes up he says that he feels that I'm being unaccepting of his sexuality and trying to coerce/guilt trip him into sex. At first, we thought I could just get sex elsewhere and he would be okay as long as I didn't emotionally cheat, but as soon as I went through with it he had an emotional reaction and said he didn't want to share me. So now I'm just celibate... can anyone with more experience than me give me some advice? I'm sorry if I'm bothering anyone.

Well that seems entirely unfair.  Why should you be the only one having to compromise here?  You clearly desire more.  It sounds like he's the one that's unaccepting of your sexuality to be frank.

 

If you are okay being celibate, that's one thing, and entirely okay.  But if you're not, and he can't address that at all, you are going to wind up miserable.

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Neshama
1 minute ago, ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

Well that seems entirely unfair.  Why should you be the only one having to compromise here?  You clearly desire more.  It sounds like he's the one that's unaccepting of your sexuality to be frank.

I don't know, it seems that the topic itself make him uncomfortable and I don't want to push him

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Neshama said:

Okay. That makes sense. Sorry, I'm new to this community, so references might be unfamiliar to me.

It’s a running in-joke/tradition/meme, but I haven’t been here long enough to know the history (whether it dates back to the founder, e.g.).

 

As someone who’s not a big cake fan I’d vote for ice cream too.  :)

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ryn2
31 minutes ago, Neshama said:

I don't know, it seems that the topic itself make him uncomfortable and I don't want to push him

Is some help from a neutral third party (like, a couples counselor) an option?

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Neshama

We're in high school and entirely broke... lol... I have to laugh or it's just sad...

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ryn2
Just now, Neshama said:

We're in high school and entirely broke... lol... I have to laugh or it's just sad...

I don’t know where you live but some places offer free counseling to people that can’t afford to pay... but agreed that it may limit your options, especially as “but we have no money” may be a handy excuse for him to use to cover reluctance to talk about it.

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NickJ
On 4/16/2019 at 9:35 PM, Neshama said:

I'm new to aven and I'm mostly here because my partner is asexual and I'm very much not, and I don't really know what to do. He doesn't want to have sex at all and anytime the compromise conversation comes up he says that he feels that I'm being unaccepting of his sexuality and trying to coerce/guilt trip him into sex. At first, we thought I could just get sex elsewhere and he would be okay as long as I didn't emotionally cheat, but as soon as I went through with it he had an emotional reaction and said he didn't want to share me. So now I'm just celibate... can anyone with more experience than me give me some advice? I'm sorry if I'm bothering anyone.

My advice to you is to talk to him, openly and honestly. I know how hard that can be, but it really is the only way forward. My wife and I avoided those conversations for years because they were hard and upsetting. But avoiding them did far more harm to our relationship than having them would have. 

 

I can’t tell you those conversations will end happily, but if you don’t have them it is only a matter of time until something breaks. 

 

I hope you can work things out, and find a compromise that suits both of you. :)

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Neshama

Thanks, I took your advice and had the conversation! It was still kinda uncomfortable for him, but we got through it! Also, he is making me a LIST! 😍💗

 

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☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

There you go!  Awesome!  It will make everything soooooo much easier for the both of you.  🥰

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Neshama

Thank you!

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Telecaster68
7 minutes ago, ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

There you go!  Awesome!  It will make everything soooooo much easier for the both of you.  🥰

Depending on the list....

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Neshama

Why?

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