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Sexual Compromise & Support

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Down in Texas
Howdy, everyone! Sorry if this is TMI or overstepping my bounds for a first post, but here we go!

I, like many of those digging for information and support, am a sexual. I started dating my asexual girlfriend around ten months ago with a bit of a confusing beginning. She was under the impression that she might be demisexual (able to be attracted to someone under a solid emotional connection), and I thought that was the case after a rather rabid sexual life for the first few months. Though her profile- as we met online- stated her asexuality, her behavior suggested the opposite. She seemed more insatiable than my body could handle, but everything spontaneously hit a wall.

At first, I felt saddened by the lack of attraction from her. Like many, I thought that it was something I did to offend her or cause that lack of intimacy through physicality, but she assured me that wasn't the case. As someone who has had several sexual relationships, this was foreign territory no matter how much by brain tried to wrap around it. I've always had a fluctuation view on my appearance, and this caused my self-esteem to plummet. I consider myself an open-minded chap, but I was still dumbstruck when this came up.

I acclimated to the idea, though, but I've struggled since. We're both anxious people, but I've let my sexual frustration bleed into my general anxiety and have projected my vexations on her despite the knowledge that it's not her fault. Most of our arguments have stemmed from my sexual build-up erupting through vocalization, and I'm quick to alert her to that, but not much was solved at that point.

While she's been open to the idea of talking about it, I've been wary to bring it up. This comes from the last time we were physically intimate and, even though we didn't have sex, she had a look in her eye and tone to her voice that oozed violation via me. When she tearfully uttered that she felt uncomfortable, I knew that I couldn't possibly make an advance again, but I also couldn't relinquish my sexual nature with such ease.

We recently decided to sit down and hash out out completely natural feelings and behaviors. If this was a run-of-the-mill relationship, I would've likely booked it a while ago. I know that sounds insensitive, but we all need that emotional investment to make a mixed relationship work, right?

Well, get me a broker, because I'm invested.

She's all I've ever wanted in a relationship. She enjoys the same things I do, gets (and, more importantly, tolerates) my sense of humor, supports me in my dreams, allows me to do the same for her, and is comfortable being herself with me as I am with her. The only issue, in case it wasn't crystal, is our different orientations.

So, we hunkered down to discuss our options. As far as either of us can tell via this forum (she's a member), there were five clear options:

1. Break Up

2. No Sex for the Sexual

3. Meet in the Middle

4. Sex Despite Her Asexuality

5. A Poly Relationship for the Sexual

While #1 was the easiest option, it wasn't the one either of us preferred. We're both extremely emotionally invested in each other, our families, our futures, and everything that's a part of our lives. It could lead to friendship, but we've both struggled with maintaining closeness with exes. We're not willing to risk that disconnect.

#2 is clearly her preferred choice, but I wrestle with my own libido just to satisfy her privacy. We all have our orientations, and neither she nor I can turn off how we physically desire or lack attraction to satisfy the other.

We have talked about #3, and that's the option we've decided on for now. We're going with just making out to meet in the middle; I think I can handle that as my release, but we're both unsure. She is willing to go through with it once a month, but she's already unwilling to hide her disgust, and I completely get that.

#4 is like #2, but the roles are reversed. I will never violate her to sexual satisfy myself.

#5 has not been sincerely discussed. It was brought up in the options, but we both glossed over it. I'm not sure of her feelings towards the matter, and I might be willing to try it, but I would need her full acceptance. She might need to sign a permission slip so I can feel okay. I've had two exes cheat on me, and I absolutely refuse to make anyone feel the same way even if they don't experience sexual attraction. I'm just not sure how to talk about this option with her coupled with her jealousy and my unfaithful past partners. Has it found success with others?

Again, I apologize for this wall-o'-text for my first post, but I very much enjoy writing, and I get caught up in my emotions from time to time.

Backstage #5 would be one I would really have to consider. As I look at it and again only from my point of view and with out any true background to draw upon. I would feel it holds a lot of traps.

#1. for me I would have to be emotionally involved to get any kind of enjoyment out of the act to start with. Which would then lead in to problem #2 and #3 If you become emotionally involved and find you enjoy the sex now you are entangled or entangling someone else's emotions in to the mix. You then either hurt one or the other depending on who you chose to go with. or #3 you are back at square one where you have reawaken the deep longing that you were trying to remedy in the first place. Then there is #4 where your not really getting anything out of it to start with in which case why are you doing it?

For me and again I much say for ME I found in my rationalization of the choices that I could not justify trying it nor could I cheat on my husband. But once again I was years into my marriage before I realized what I was dealing with.

The Choice must be yours and yours alone but from my experience you are heading down a long and dusty road. Best of Luck to you both.

Another thing I failed to mention was that I bought a book of Massage and used it to do NON sexual massages on my Gray A. Trying to allow for non sexual touch. Again this was before I found AVEN. I also used Essential oils for sore aching muscles and My Gray A LOVED it often falling asleep while I would massage him. But his form of massage when it came time to touch me was stiff and much too firm. Often making me winch from his touch. Try as he may it is just beyond his ability to preform simple touch even in a non sexual form.

That does not mean he can not touch me. He can and he does often. It is just that it is stiff and non emotional. Though to him it is filled with emotion. I say this because I remember the touches he use to give but can no longer find. In the beginning, looking back they were often done while under the influence of alcohol. There was always a place in between totally drunk and tipsy that was a perfect spot for making LOVE. He was much more receptive and participated in a much more active role. But that was years ago. Now with all the other factors involved and with age and stress. When he is at that point now he simply falls asleep.

Though some may find or think I am complaining I am trying to simply inform those that have not yet gotten to the point I am at. Not only that they may choose to go some where different but to open their eyes to what may still lay ahead of them.

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dragonfly2013
And what I'm trying to figure out is... when did this all happen? when did we go from trying to have a regular sex schedule to just openly acknowledging that I have exactly ZERO control over my sex life? When did we go from compromise to my only option being a break up?

This is it! This is how I have been feeling yet didn't get the words right. Thank you!

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PlayfulSadism

And what I'm trying to figure out is... when did this all happen? when did we go from trying to have a regular sex schedule to just openly acknowledging that I have exactly ZERO control over my sex life? When did we go from compromise to my only option being a break up?

This is it! This is how I have been feeling yet didn't get the words right. Thank you!
Sweet sizzling bacon, that phrasing is perfect. Every time my partner rejects me, I can't help but wonder if we're already at this stage, and if not, how long until we are. At what point will my only options be to either completely surrender my needs to her several well-reasoned and fair objections, or terminate our relationship? Aging sexual couples often struggle with lack of energy or enthusiasm in their sex lives, so what can I expect? Will the words "I'm sorry, but I'm too tired tonight" replay on a loop when I turn 40, or much sooner?

I'm wondering if my struggle to maintain the dwindling sexual activity we have right now is even worth it in the long run.

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dragonfly2013

Each person has their own line in the sand. You are not alone!

I have myself on a timeline to draw my line..... I will not give up until I have done everything I can.

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Percivel

I don't have a timeline...I'm already vested. But I wouldn't blame those that do. This is a hard thing...for all involved. My wife married purely for companionship. For me, my challenge is to accept our "companionship marriage." My goal...to embrace it. But, boy, do I have a lot of work ahead!

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HonorboundLT

And what I'm trying to figure out is... when did this all happen? when did we go from trying to have a regular sex schedule to just openly acknowledging that I have exactly ZERO control over my sex life? When did we go from compromise to my only option being a break up?

This is it! This is how I have been feeling yet didn't get the words right. Thank you!
Sweet sizzling bacon, that phrasing is perfect. Every time my partner rejects me, I can't help but wonder if we're already at this stage, and if not, how long until we are. At what point will my only options be to either completely surrender my needs to her several well-reasoned and fair objections, or terminate our relationship? Aging sexual couples often struggle with lack of energy or enthusiasm in their sex lives, so what can I expect? Will the words "I'm sorry, but I'm too tired tonight" replay on a loop when I turn 40, or much sooner?

I'm wondering if my struggle to maintain the dwindling sexual activity we have right now is even worth it in the long run.

I feel all of your pain :( But we can't give up. Remember, we are in love with these people, am I right? :wub:

Though difficult it may be, we have to remember that they are trying their hardest to compromise as well, and hold strong reservations as far as sex is concerned. Try and focus on the positive sides of the relationship! Eat some cake now and again! :cake: :cake: :cake:

I think if we stay strong and keep in constant communication with our partners, then we should be alright. I'm glad we have such a strong support group here, since that's what a lot of us need here. Don't get me wrong; I am not fond of a life with little-to-no sex, but I try to remind myself that my partner has the exact same attitude in regards to having sex. We also should try and strengthen our emotional bonds so that we can feel better in our relationships even when we don't have sex as much as we'd like. They are trying too, and we have to remember that.

Best of luck to everyone in their personal mixed relationships! :D

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Percivel

That was very nice HB. We need chearleaders!

I have no control over when my wife and I have sex, either. She doesn't seem to want a schedule of any sort. We have an unspoken understanding that when it gets real bad for me then I should tell her before I become a grumpy crabtree (actually, that part was spoken and "grumpy crabtree" was me quoting her nicely)....and even then it's usually "table scraps" that I get. I really hate not having any control. She doesn't understand how hard it is to ask for sex with someone that finds it so distasteful. Sex and intimacy are suppose to be two way.

My wife does try (though it often doesn't seem like she does). She does love me deeply and she's a wonderful person.

It is hard, though. Fight the self-pity. Fight the depression.

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anchor31

Hi everyone! I don't want to highjack the thread, I think that it's wonderful that the sexual halves of a mixed relationship come here to vent. I admired everyone's effort and dedication. I have a very technical question though and I didn't want to start a whole new thread for it.

My husband and I have worked out a compromise and part of it is working around my semen repulsion. It would really, really help me be more participative and that would make my husband very very happy! We know about flavoured condoms for the oral sex and I read about gloves on a thread here for handjobs. My question is: What kind of glove would be best/more comfortable/more pleasurable for him? Accessories and stuff are just a whole new territory for me.

Any help is appreciated!

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Down in Texas

Anchor31 May I ask you a personal question and I understand if you do not feel comfortable in answering and do not wish to put any pressure on you to answer. I only ask because my husband seemed to have a problem touching me early on when I would be extremely wet. He would touch me but then hold his hand as if it were worse than when we worked cattle and he got poop on his hands. It seems to be better now that I have gone to the bathroom and washed myself with Listerine before sex. Therefore, for him this seems to work somewhat better. However, I would really care to understand more from an asexual's point of view and his only answer when I ask is "I don’t know". I am not sure, if he is just afraid to tell me or if he really does not know. What also seemed to help him was the TV program he stumbled upon on cable some years back called "Talk Sex with Sue"


Please do not feel pressured to answer... I wish to cause no one pain or embarrassment and I am not judging anyone’s degree of any ability.



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anchor31

Down in Texas, I don't mind the question, I'm just not sure I understand it.

We talked about gloves and condoms because I am repulsed by semen. I don't mind the actual touching him or whatever there, I just can't deal with what comes out. Your story about your husband makes me giggle because I've done the "holding hand like I have poop on it" thing. When I had an IUD (for about 3 years), we didn't use condoms and I would actually have bouts of nausea after sex. I didn't link the two until I realized that when we use(d) condoms, there was/is no nausea.

As to why I'm repulsed by it... I have no clue whatsoever. My husband was my first partner and I was never sexually traumatized. It's probably something similar to my extreme and irrational fear of heights. I can't explain it, it's just there, and I do my best to avoid situations that involve them.

Does that answer your question?

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Down in Texas

Some what Yes thank you. I think I knew the answer but I guess I just wanted to know if I was over looking something... Thanks..

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BJvirgin


What kind of glove would be best

ANY glove that allows you to touch, but I'm presuming the thin medical exam gloves would be nice.

if only it was that easy for me. sandpaper gloves would be better than ZERO contact

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Lady Girl

You can get a box of 100 non latex (vinyl) non powdered gloves for around $10 as a beauty supply store...I would also recommend using lubricant in conjunction with it.

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anchor31

Thank you Lady Girl. I wondered if medical gloves would catch on the skin, but the lube is a good idea.

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Queer As Cat

oh wow........... man.... i'm so happy that this thread exists and that i've found it that i could cry. i don't know why it never occurred to me that i wasn't alone in having a mixed orientation relationship, but now that i know i'm not... it's not just that i'm happy, but there's this huge sense of relief mixed in with a million other emotions...? i don't know, but geez is it awesome.

i don't really have anything to contribute at the moment. sorry if that makes this post spam. i just had to say how awesome this thread is and how awesome every single one of you is! i'm going to read through this thread from start to finish when i get the chance.

wishing everyone here the best in their relationship. please don't give up! :(

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jojo2003

Dear curlycats,

Compliments can never be spam :).

Good to hear that you are getting a good vibe of this thread. If there is anything we can help with, let us know.

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LibbyH

Hi All -- I'm new here and this is my first time posting (actually, it's my first time posting on any discussion board, anywhere!). I heard about this website on the Savage Love podcast, and thought I'd give it a look because I'm in a marriage with a man who isn't interested in sex, and we've been really struggling emotionally with it for the past 4 years (since his lack of interest began.)

I'm not sure whether my husband is asexual, but I thought I'd see how you all responded to my situation because I'm beginning to wonder if he is. We've been together for 6 years, and just married for 1 year. We had a fulfilling and satisfying sexual relationship for the first 18 months or so of our courtship until my husband's mother passed away from cancer. Since then (now four years ago), he's had little/no interest in sex, and it's become an enormous issue in our relationship. For some/much of that four years, he has been on an antidepressant that had strong sexual side effects. But even during when he wasn't on any meds, and now that he's on a different medication that doesn't prevent his sexual functioning, he still shows no interest. He knows how miserable I am about the situation, and (like many of the people who've posted here) I've tried everything that I can think of to interest him in sex and to also make him feel comfortable and emotionally safe. All this time I've kept telling myself that it was just his grief about his mother, and that things would "go back to normal" sometime soon. Now I wonder if I've been very very naive.

We've had a lot of talks, arguments, attempts at compromise, etc., but I know I haven't always been good at not guilting him about it, and of course it's not that I just "want sex," it's that I want him to WANT sex, like he did when we were first together. And, obviously, if he doesn't want it then he doesn't want it.

I went through a period last fall where I felt that I was on my last legs in the relationship because we were both so hurt by it. I get angry at him because I feel like he's depriving me of something that's so beautiful and fun and intimate, and that (I feel) there is no substitute for. Some days I feel that I'm "wasting my youth" because of it, not to mention the fact that we both want children. But now I'm trying to come to accept things. I don't want to leave him because I love him so much, and he's a great husband in every other way. I just don't know how I can come to terms with not getting one of my basic needs met for the rest of my life.

I'm trying a new plan now, which is to try and avoid emotional meltdowns about it (to take some pressure and guilt off of him). I just don't know what to do with all of the feelings I have bottled up, and what to do with all of the disappointment and pain.

Any thoughts would be very appreciated.

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Einy

LibbyH - And what does your husband think about his lack of interest? Does he think it's connected to the loss of mother, to depression or something else? Did he enjoy it and desired when you had sexual relationship? Does he miss it?

It may be connected to something that's happening in his life or he can be naturally asexual, human sexuality is very complex, however noone can answer it for your husband. Did you try counselling or therapy? How do you communicate to each other?

I understand how miserable you feel about it, I'm going through the same problems in my relationship. Hope you'll find some support here on Aven.

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jojo2003

Dear Libby,

I am sorry that you can not seem to talk about the issues that are bothering you.

I do not know if your husbands asexual or has other issues. Only he will be able to find out about that. But as I said many times before, does it matter what it is called? There is an incompatibility and it is clearly bothering you.

I understand why you have choosen to ignore your feelings for some time. But in the end it does not work. I know, I am doing the same periodically. Every now and then I am just tired of the discussions and talks and decide just to stop thinking about it so much. It always ends with me getting angry at something minor my partner does....

So in the end your husband will have to talk with you about it. And those talks are not easy, I know. But it will help and makes you feel better in the end. Take small steps in these discussions. What I have learned is not to try to solve everything at once. I will focus on what is important at that point for me and leave the rest aside. For instance, if I want to discuss the matter of lack of intimacy, I will not in the same discussion try to get the "bedroom"-compromis issues on the table.

I don't know if you can come to terms with the incompatibility in sexual needs between the both of you, but I always try to take it a day at the time. You never know what happens in the future and I have seen relationships strand on other issues I was not expecting. Start worrying about that when the time is right and try to deal with the smaller issues first.

I hope you can work with some of this, if not please tell me. We are all here to help eachother...

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Sally

We've had a lot of talks, arguments, attempts at compromise, etc., but I know I haven't always been good at not guilting him about it, and of course it's not that I just "want sex," it's that I want him to WANT sex, like he did when we were first together. And, obviously, if he doesn't want it then he doesn't want it.

I think that's the nub of the problem: no matter why he doesn't want it, the fact is that he doesn't, and you need him to want it. Communication is important, but all the talk in the world can't make someone want something when they don't.

What you must determine is how big an impediment that will be to your relationship, and whether you can look in the future and be content with things as they are now. That's painful, I know.

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jojo2003

We've had a lot of talks, arguments, attempts at compromise, etc., but I know I haven't always been good at not guilting him about it, and of course it's not that I just "want sex," it's that I want him to WANT sex, like he did when we were first together. And, obviously, if he doesn't want it then he doesn't want it.

I think that's the nub of the problem: no matter why he doesn't want it, the fact is that he doesn't, and you need him to want it. Communication is important, but all the talk in the world can't make someone want something when they don't.

What you must determine is how big an impediment that will be to your relationship, and whether you can look in the future and be content with things as they are now. That's painful, I know.

Sally,

As much as I appreciate your opinion, I do not agree with you on this point. I do not wish to tell that you can make your partner want something he or she does not want to. But talking can lead to a satisfying compromise in some cases or at least can make both partners feel more aware of eachothers situation. That is why I would recommend talking to eachother.

And maybe there is another reason why the incompatibility is there. Only through talking with eachother you can find out.

It can be painful, but (certainly in the beginning) one must try not to plan to far ahead. I've done that and it made me even more unhappy, whereas now we reached a stage in which we both are relatively happy most of the time.

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Down in Texas

There are so many variables, just as there are so many shades of Gray on both sides of the spectrums. There is no way for us to tell you Yes your husband is Asexual or even that he is a Gray A or even that he is sexual and needs some other form of treatment. As I have learned that is and has to be his call to make. It also may take him some time to be able to handle reading this site and deciding if he is or is not any level of a Gray A. When I first showed my husband this site he got very upset it was months later that I showed him a post written by someone and he ask if I was the one that had written it because he said it sounded just like him. It was then that we started some positive communication.


The medication can be a big factor and the depression will weigh heavily on the desire of sex for some. Some people need sex when depressed some run from it. I know both sides I live it. I am a highly sexual person for me when I am stressed I want sex but my husband is the opposite he isolates himself when he is stressed. In addition, none of us knows what type of relationship he had with his mother. It could have been a close one or it could have been one with turmoil and regret.


The most important thing you need to know is that both sexuals and asexuals come in a multitude of degrees of GRAY on both sides of all areas. You say you love him, so the most loving thing you can do is to not deal in ultimatums, and always speak compassionately of the problem being an US problem not a YOU or ME problem.


Best of luck and we will all be here to try to help if we can. However, you are the only one that really knows both yourself and your husband and whether or not what we offer is something you can or wish to use. By no means, take the advice as literal you must weigh it and use or discord it as to what you feel best for you and your husband. As jojo said, Yes, there will come a time that you must talk. However, you are the only one that will know when the best time for that talk is and what will be said. Also start slow and with the less serious first so that you both find some progress. You cannot expect him to make all the compromises you must give sometimes in order to get.

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BlissfullyYours

I'm not sure I can express how happy I am about this thread and this whole forum in general. I am the sexual in what we have dubbed a "romantic lesbian platonic relationship." And, as silly as it may sound, that "title" probably saved my marriage. Of course, I sort of felt like I'd spent the first 6-7 years of our relationship in a sort of sexual limbo, so once we knew where everyone stood it changed everything.

Well, mostly everything. I'm not super sexual, but I do enjoy the idea of sex and the idea of having sex. I masturbate when I'm home by myself. I think about it with my wife. I think about it with other people. But at the same time, I don't need to have it, either. I tend to take this as more of I don't tend to crave things I can't have or never experienced. For the first part of our relationship I didn't really worry about the sex part because 1) i didn't want to be "pushy" (i got accused of that once, even though i didn't feel like i was being pushy and it put me off of talking about anything sex relatated for years) and 2) it wasn't that big of an issue because i could live without it.

Before we got married we talked more about giving me at least a little more of a phsyical relationship. kissing, cuddling, even holding hands or just rubbing my back. i need to be touched. She improved, a lot. Her gestures were softer and more loving. She felt more relaxed over time. So I thought, surely this means we are getting closer!

Not so much. My darling is completely repulsed by the idea of sex. And after far too long of keeping silent and letting my thoughts run crazy, we had a serious talk about it. Browsing the internet I stumbled upon some asexual blogs and it suddenly all made sense. It wasn't me! I told her what I thought during our talk. And she burst into tears about being a freak. :( So after some serious comforting and telling she was absolutely not a freak - she was just asexual - I felt so much better about everything, and i think she did too.

Giving it a name helped us a lot as a relationship, but it certainly doesn't help with the need for sex. :( Some months are harder than others. Some times I don't get any time to myself. Other months just looking at her makes me want to rip her clothes off and go at it. Other months pass with ease. When it comes to compromising I feel like I'm doing all of it. She gets to enjoy the freedom of no pressure and knowing I won't ask her to do something that repulses her, but I get no sex. Recently we've talked about adding a 3rd to our relationship, but finding someone (preferring a guy at the moment, i don't think i could handle a relationship comprised of 3 women) that will love us BOTH romantically, but will be completely fine with her not being a part of the sexual relationship is hard. And also if it isn't the absolute perfect match there is no way she is going to be able to trust that we are all equal and that i'm not going to to run off with my sexual partner. So basically, unless that crazy idea of perfection shows up, I'm going to be a sexually frustrated virgin forever because I love her far too much to leave her. I'd venture to say that 75% of the time this isn't even a problem, but that other 25% makes me want to bang my head against a wall or curl up in a ball knowing I'm the only one compromising. It's nice to know that I'm not alone anymore with this, though. It has certainly felt like it for the last several years.

wow, that was really long. 0_0 i'm just glad to find other people to talk to about this. I read through nearly all the posts and it is such an enormous relief knowing i'm not alone.

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Sally

i don't think i could handle a relationship comprised of 3 women)

Just thinking of such a relationship makes my head hurt. :lol: My god, the amount of talking that would entail...

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Rain Girl

Blissfully yours, have you ventured into any polyamory forums? That might be helpful. There are some great blogs about couples in your desired situation. Your fantasy man is called a 'unicorn' in poly language for a reason. It is an elusive mystical figure and hard to find. Sally is right about the level of communication required. I have found the blogs in the poly forum very interesting ...and emotionally tiring. I am also a lesbian in a similar situation who has been exloring a poly / open solution. Welcome to AVEN !

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BlissfullyYours

Thanks rain girl! I will definitely check that out. I'm a little familiar with the unicorn term, especially since I happen to adore (real) unicorns it becomes an even more perfect way to describe what we want. Ha! Communications is such a big part of our current relationship now because of all the previous hurt feelings that we didnt always talk about very well, that I don't worry too much about talking. If it wasn't for all the recent opening up and talking and working on how to make us both feel loved the way we need it, I don't even know if we would still be happily together. Mostly just bitter and miserable and that never ends well. Or it just never ends because no one knows how to talk about it. >.< so glad we jumped that hurdle.

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Lydian

I find myself often switching between feeling very lucky to have a partner who understands to wondering if he really understands what he's agreeing to and whether he can actually deal with it. I've never done well with other people suffering for my sake but if me not being attracted or getting into it or maybe even repulsed by it gets to him...there's nothing I can do about it. We haven't done anything at all yet because it's still online but we're planning to meet over the summer. I really want to hope that I can enjoy sex in some way but it seems more likely I'll be neutral/somewhat uncomfortable with it if not repulsed. (Possible TMI here) I honestly feel nothing from trying to play with myself aside from almost immediately feeling uncomfortable and wanting to stop. If that's just me how would I be with another person?

I really want things to work, and I don't want to give the impression I dislike being ace. It's part of who I am and I probably wouldn't change it if I could but...when it comes to relationships it just makes everything so much harder. It's only recently I realized my way of thinking isn't the norm. For a long time I still thought of it as 'perverted' or thinking that it wasn't important to other people either unless they were a pervert. (Of course that was before, if you're a sexual reading this don't take that as offensive. It was just my ignorance at the time.)

I don't want to give the impression of having low self-esteem...I love myself very much. It's just when it comes to relationships, I feel a little disheartened to think it will always be a struggle for me and whoever I'm with will have to settle for 'less' for my sake and I can't even so much as understand why they feel the way they do. I'm too afraid to even try to bring up every time I feel down because I'm afraid he'll think the relationship is hurting me and break it off.

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Lydian

It's still somewhat hard to judge for sure whether or not I'll be able to allow myself to enjoy it since I have yet to do anything. I just know I had a lot of trouble trying to enjoy myself even alone. I think that stance might kind of work in my head to a point, which is mainly how I convinced myself to try in the first place, but it was a very quick 'no no don't like that' and was very hard to get my mind back into thinking I might enjoy it.

I do agree though that it's probably a good idea to at least try to relax and think that I might be able to enjoy it. It has better chances than going in assuming I'll hate it for sure.

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Lady Girl

It's still somewhat hard to judge for sure whether or not I'll be able to allow myself to enjoy it since I have yet to do anything. I just know I had a lot of trouble trying to enjoy myself even alone. I think that stance might kind of work in my head to a point, which is mainly how I convinced myself to try in the first place, but it was a very quick 'no no don't like that' and was very hard to get my mind back into thinking I might enjoy it.

I do agree though that it's probably a good idea to at least try to relax and think that I might be able to enjoy it. It has better chances than going in assuming I'll hate it for sure.

It sounds like it's worth giving it a try. If it's any consolation, I'm a sexual person and have no luck with myself by myself.

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